Assault on Stupid Survivors/Recruitment

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Malton's Cleanup Crew

Assault on Stupid Survivors is a small but extremely effective PKer group. Our mission is simple: destroy all of the stupid survivors in Malton. As a member of ASS, you will have the privilege of working alongside some of the finest soldiers in Malton, and serving under the command of ASS's highly-esteemed founders and commanders, Bob Hammero and Jimbo Bob — "the Bobs." ASS has successfully taken on and defeated groups many times its own size. Its strength comes not from raw numbers, but from the intelligence and coordination of its members.

Why You Should Join

Want to help make ASS bigger? Read over the short questionnaire below:

  1. Do you find idiotic people really fucking annoying?
    If yes, keep reading
    If no, you might want to look for another group
  2. Do you mind player-killing those same people, and mocking them savagely?
    If yes, keep reading
    If no, grow a thicker skin and go elsewhere
  3. Let's say someone says to you, "hay u r retraded two!!1 wnat 2 kill togethar!!1"
    If your response is "learn to type, you pathetic freak," keep reading
    If your response is "why yes, let's kill together," don't apply
  4. Do you mind working in an organized group, where you will be occasionally given (generally low-restriction) direction about what to do next?
    If yes, keep reading
    If no, ASS definitely isn't for you
  5. Do you mind doing your kills in the name of the group (while getting individual recognition)?
    If yes, keep reading
    If no, ASS isn't for you
  6. Can you tolerate flaming, insults, and hatred from lots of other players?
    If yes, keep reading
    If no, no player-killer group is right for you
  7. Let's say someone tells you that he's going to "lol sue you becas you are maeking fun of my stoopidity and taht is not niec"
    If your response is "hahahaha, stop threatening lawsuits, you pathetic fuck HAET," keep reading
    If your response is "please don't sue me, I'm scared," go the fuck away
  8. Are you currently a member of another group, and are unwilling to give up that membership?
    If yes, don't apply
    If no, keep reading
  9. Are you a Beardo?
    If yes, die in a fire
    If no, congratulations and keep reading
  10. Do you have a weak grasp of English, or are you painfully retarded or annoying?
    If yes, go away
    If no, keep reading
  11. Are you prone to Centaurisms?
    If no, keep reading
  12. Are you a high-level player?
    If yes, keep reading
    If no, the Bobs might make an exception for you, but high-level players are preferred
  13. Are you a zerger, a spy, a wiki vandal, an annoying asshole, on our enemy or trophy list, a member of an enemy group, or do you have an alt who fits any of those categories?
    If yes, then don't even think about applying
    If no, keep reading
  14. Do you think that healing people and barricading is a really fun and neat way to use your AP?
    If yes, go play with your stuffed animals, pansy
    If no, keep reading
  15. Amazing: righteous asshole or good guy?
    If you answered "good guy," fuck off
    If you vomited at the sight of his name, keep reading
  16. The word "ASS." Is it not awesome? IS IT NOT CRAZY BETTER THAN YOU? LAUGH!
    If you got scared, take your blankie and go watch a Disney movie
    If you admit the incredible awesomeness, keep going
  17. Atomic Bong: True or false?
    If true, know that nuclear power is the cocaine of my soul
  18. Are you, shall we say, "one of the slower cars on the highway"?
    If yes, that's okay, here's some pudding and a Blue's Clues DVD
    If no, keep reading
  19. Are you easily fucking offended? DOES SHOUTING MAKE YOU CRY? ADMIT OUR SUPERIORITY!
    If you're sad, we're sorry, now leave
    If you're amused, keep reading, maggot
  20. Do you believe violence is the answer?
    If yes, ASS is the group for you!
    If no, perhaps you'd be more at home arranging flowers

Congratulations! If you've gotten to this point, then you're probably a good prospective member. Follow the directions on this page and we'll get back to you.

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