Church of the Resurrection

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Church of the Resurrection
Sweet Zombie Jesus
Abbreviation: CotR
Group Numbers: 10
Leadership: Sweet Zombie Jesus (deceased)
Goals: Giving the gift of eternal life
Recruitment Policy: To join, make a post on the CotR planning forum with a link to your profile. After that, add Church of the Resurrection to your group under settings.
Contact: CotR Planning Forum

"Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day." - John 6:54


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The Church of the Resurrection is an evangelical group of those who seek to follow Christ in His miraculous resurrection to the undead. Members believe recent outbreaks are blessings from the Lord, sent so others may follow in the footsteps of Christ and be resurrected to eternal life. As evidence for this view, they also cite the holy nature of the blessing, as it removes the burden of rational thought which leads to individuality, doubt and sin, and which hinders a person's ability to follow blindly in faith.

The Church differs significantly from other established Christian churches over the issue of transubstantiation. Adherents reject the view that bread and wine can be transubstantiated into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ upon consumption, maintaining instead that only actual flesh and blood can fulfill this function.

The Church of the Resurrection is aggressively evangelical and is active in conducting organised doorknocking campaigns to obtain new converts. The Church considers those that have rejected Christ's gift of eternal life to be sinners whose minds must be purged.

The Church's primary goals are:

  • To eliminate the sin of rational thought through sacred cranial cleansing rituals.
  • To convert and resurrect unto eternal life all residents of Malton.
  • To persecute sinful "scientists". Science is a tool of the Devil, as are all he deceives into returning pure Resurrected to their former sinful state.
  • To destroy all non-believers, as anybody who does not think alike is certainly evil.
  • To adhere to the holy diet of John 6:54 for the health of our Children.


Organization

"Blessed and holy is he that hath part in the first resurrection: on such the second death hath no power, but they shall be priests of God and of Christ, and shall reign with him a thousand years." - Revelation 20:6

Amongst the Resurrected Children of the Church, there are several loose divisions based on the particular spiritual gifts members have been blessed with:

  • Inquisitors, those most effective at fully converting sinners one-at-a-time.
  • Evangelists, charged with orally spreading the seeds of faith to as many people as possible.
  • Doorknockers, who witness door-to-door to those reluctant to hear the Word, knocking extra loud and standing inside until forcibly ejected.
  • Acolytes, newly born-again followers who are shepherded through their religious education by more experienced parishioners. Acolytes are given first opportunity at the experience of re-converting those Church members who have been returned to their old sinful ways.
  • Institute for Creation Research, an elite cadre that uses enhanced speech abilities to droningly repeat utterances that may (loosely) approximate meaningful English sentences, in order to goad heretics (particularly scientists) into wasting actions by responding while other clergy make ad hominem attacks to their neck and upper torso areas.
  • Congregants, those who are not Church clergy but find themselves in the same area as a Church doorknocking campaign and decide to assist in the Lord's work. Though their minds have been purged of sin, they may still harbour heresy in their hearts.
  • Church Cultists, those whose hearts have begun to beat due to the evil scientists. Living members become cultists, and can spend their time tagging about the Church, or by spreading the good word through talking.

The Book of Life

The Book of Life contains the names of all members of the Church. Members are urged to register their names there and put "Church of the Resurrection" in their profile as their group affiliation.

Church Archives

The Church has archived past sermons for the growth of its members and the saving of the lost.

Church history

"And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent; And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many." — Matthew 27:51-53

The Church has a history of glorious deeds which is continually recorded by its divinely inspired, unbiased, and above all infallible scribes. The Church wishes to advise readers that if they believe they witnessed events unfold differently, then they have been deceived by Satan, and should immediately seek exorcism of the foul, lying demons that so pollute their minds. A handy rule of thumb is that if objective reality appears to flatly contradict the teachings of the Church, it is clearly objective reality that is in error, and Satan is likely involved somehow.

The Church of the Resurrection originated in Ridleybank and by unfortunate coincidence had planned a conversion of the Blackmore Building on the same day as The Ridleybank Resistance Front. It was thus decided that the Church should move on to more promising evangelical opportunities in Ketchelbank. The Holy Pilgrimage has begun, and whilst the members remain in Ketchelbank in spirit, their physical locations may be harder to nail down.

Operation: Spiritual Revival

On September 20, 2008 a call was put forth to rebuild the Church and it's faithful. The remaining members were called upon to shamble and gather at St Luke's Cathedral. Our efforts met minimal resistance and the Cathedral fell to the LORD in short order. We invite all the remaining faithful and anyone wishing to join our number to come to Shearbank and help us spread the WORD of Sweet Zombie Jesus to one and all. By force, if necessary.

Operation: The First Crusade

On February 14, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection received a vision from Sweet Zombie Jesus instructing the church to reclaim the Holy Land of St. Jude's Cathedral in Molebank from the Knights of St. Jude and to convert the heathens. Five days later, the Church of the Resurrection completed its ministrations, making converts of all the inhabitants of St Jude's Cathedral and resanctifying the Cathedral to Sweet Zombie Jesus.
On February 22, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection after conversion of the Curme Building, continued its crusade west into Owsleybank. In a show of compassion, on the 23rd the Church entered Aloysius Hospital and laid hands on the sick and healed them of their infirmities. From there, the Church sanctified St. Columbanus's Church in the name of Sweet Zombie Jesus.
On February 26, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection arrived at the Moodborn Library to protest this center of false knowledge. They entered to find it empty. The Church praised the Lord for keeping the library free of the naive before they could be corrupted by the lies the Moodborn Library contained. The Church sanctified Moodborn Library and left copies of the Holy Groanings of Our Lord, Sweet Zombie Jesus.
On February 26, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection continued heeding our Lord's call and continued to search for the lost so that we might reunite them with Sweet Zombie Jesus. The Church's search led them to Ivins Tower where again the Lord blessed them with an empty building that they might rejoice in his wisdom.
On March 2, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection reached Nixbank and delivered sermons to the parishioners of St Patriarch's and began ministering at St. Eugene's Churches.
On March 3, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection hosted a morality conference inside Deakin Alley Police Department. There, the Church preached the inspiring story of Sweet Zombie Jesus and relayed timeless messages on moral truths including conversion techniques. Two members of the Deakin Alley PD fell to their knees and surrendered their lives to Christ on the spot. The Church wishes these members well in their goal of spreading the way of Sweet Zombie Jesus to others.
On March 4, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection completed ministering to St. Eugene's. Now thoroughly satisfied that Churche's faith was strong enough, the Church proceeded to the Penning Building, a site where they experienced such hostile resistance to the word of our Lord.
On March 5, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection knocked on the doors of the Penning Building to offer the Good News. Initial door-knocking succeeded, but closed-hearted heathens rebuffed the Church's offer. The Church continued knocking and entered, laying hands on the lost and winning lives for Christ. A few members of the Church of the Resurrection experienced crises of faith. The Lord had strengthened them with the Helmet of God which guarded their brains from the deceptive ploys of the drug-pushers, but the heathens' lies overwhelmed certain members. It was short-lived however as the Church members recognized the Zombie-Christ-shaped hole in their skin, rib cages, and hearts and mounted the steps of the Penning Building and made the leap of faith back to their Lord. The Lord blessed others with Good Samaritans who brought them back into his flock. Following this doubtful time, there was a Great Awakening. A saint rose from his grave. A church elder returned and amassed along with the other members outside the Penning Building. Sweet Zombie Jesus kept knocking on their hearts waiting to be let in and the heathens kept erecting the barricades to keep him out. Church members began to question whether they could overcome these unrepentant sinners, and morale began to decline, until our Lord brought us unaffiliated faithful, who like us desired barhah. The barricades fell once again. Now, the Church knew the sinners inside the Penning Building. They were the Brotherhood of Steel. The Brotherhood put up a last feeble attempt to shut the Church out, but once the barricades fell, they fell for the last time. The Church spilled into the Penning Building and a frenzied bout of conversion occurred. So, at last on March 26, Sweet Zombie Jesus entered the heart of the Penning Building and sanctified the ground it stood on. Amen.
On March 27, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection, fresh off their victory against the heathen stronghold, the Penning Building, advanced on Foulkes Village, preparing outside St. Aelred's Church. From March 28-29, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection preached on the church grounds and sanctified St. Aelred's Church in Sweet Zombie Jesus' name.
On March 31, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection arrived at St. Hormisdas's Church (New Arkham). The Church entered and shared the word of Sweet Zombie Jesus: "Graaah." Once again our Lord opened a grave and returned to us another elder.
On April 1, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection sanctified St. Hormisdas's. The Church heard the call of the Henley Building to the north and returned to the previous suburb, and on April 2, 2009, began knocking on the door of the Henley Building. Upon entering the Henley Building the Church knew the Lord had in store for them a test of their faith. The sinners inside outnumbered the Church greatly. The Church sent out a prayer and the Lord swelled the Church's numbers. Over the course of the next four days, many surrendered their lives to Christ or fled their chance for salvation. On April 6, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection sanctified the Henley Building. After making sure St. Hormisdas's remained faithful to Sweet Zombie, the Church proceeded to Old Arkham.
On April 8, 2009, the Church of the Resurrection began knocking on the door of St. Daniel's Church 12,94. Two lost souls inside quickly gave their lives to Sweet Zombie Jesus and the Church sanctified St. Daniels.
On April 9, 2009, the Church blessed St. Neot's Church and sanctified the building.

Read of the church's crusade to convert the heathen.

Future Plans

"At the wrath of the Lord of hosts the land quakes, and the people are like fuel for fire; No man spares his brother, each devours the flesh of his neighbor." - Isaiah 9:18

The Church of the Resurrection has engaged in a city-wide pilgrimage to visit all five of Malton's Cathedrals. The Pilgrimage started with St. Jude's Cathedral then moved to St. Mark's, St. John's, and most recently St. Matthew's. As with St. Jude's, once sanctified, each Cathedral becomes the rightful possession of the Church for all eternity.

The next leg of the Church's pilgrimage will lead to the fifth and final of Malton's Cathedrals, St. Luke's. Along the way, the Inquisition is planning its next wave of informative preaching, teaching, and correction. Some Inquisitors argue in favor of focusing on Apostates (zombies seeking to immerse themselves in the foul stench of revivification), others in favor of converting Necrotechs, and still others in favor of punishing blasphemers who speak or tag buildings with words offensive to Sweet Zombie Jesus. Of course, the Church includes among blasphemers those humans and zombies who choose to sleep in the "shelter" of such vile graffiti, as they obviously support the sentiments. Likewise, not only zombies huddling in posted revive points, but also those lurking inside known Necrotech buildings, are considered Apostate unless proven otherwise.

Notice Board:

As of October 9th of this year, St.Peter's Church in Rolt Heights is currently in the hands of Brother Christopher Wyche, and is now an abbey of the CotR. The church is unbarricaded and open to the public. The church is open to zeds and suvivors, so they may know the glory of Zombie Jesus.

Criticisms of the Church

"For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly, and that they might have no favour, but that he might destroy them, as the LORD commanded Moses." - Joshua 11:20

Some critics have argued that the Church of the Resurrection's conversion techniques border on brainwashing. The Church has officially responded to this, explaining that significant amounts of splattered gore generally remain in the cranial region of converts who have undergone the ritual, and therefore the term "washing" is inappropriate.

Critics have also suggested that the Church's refusal to demand tithes or other monetary contributions from members is contradictory to its stated purpose as a religious organisation. Others have noted its apparent lack of misogyny, as evidence suggests it may have significant numbers of female clergy. In what some have decried as a cynical move to counter such criticism, the Church has proposed the establishment of Operating Zetan Level IX, a higher level of spiritual enlightenment to which Church members could aspire for a cost of approximately fifty thousand pounds, and from which female members would be barred on the grounds that they have "spiritual cooties". As most Church members have a pronounced inability to hold paying employment, such a move would likely be little more than a smokescreen, at least until gnawed human femurs are recognised as legal tender.

Representatives of the moneylending community have reported that, contrary to the Church's stated policies, they were on two separate occasions driven out of the Burlton and Edson Banks respectively by known Church members. The Church has officially denied any involvement in these alleged actions allegedly performed by its alleged members, stating that any security camera footage that may exist is clearly a fraud of Satan, and in any case assuredly only depicts individuals who merely bear a coincidentally strong physical resemblance to ranking Church clergy. It has further responded by calling into question the moral fibre of the moneylending community, as well as the marital fidelity of their mothers.

An anonymous source has pointed to statistics that the majority of Church members lack grade-school level reading comprehension skills, and suggested that some may have misread "Edson" as "Edison" and thus been driven into a frenzy of anti-scientific zeal. This explanation, however, fails to take the alleged attack upon Burlton Bank into account. The Church has refused to comment.

For further ignorant bleatings of assorted unenlightened troglodytes, please see Church complaints.

Witnessing

"And he said unto them, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Put every man his sword by his side, and go in and out from gate to gate throughout the camp, and slay every man his brother, and every man his companion, and every man his neighbour." - Exodus 32:27

Why?

  • We witness to show other people the Truth, these sinners and non-believers do not understand how to be pure and allow Sweet Zombie Jesus into their hearts. Such beliefs lead to Moral Decay. Worse still, these sinners will receive no immortality, and their names will not be written in the Book of Life!
  • By witnessing, we ensure the afterlife and morality of many... and we also get fed.

How?

  • Only a member who is pure of heart and a lover of Sweet Zombie Jesus will be able to preach the 'truth'. One witnesses by forcibly converting any living members who hide in their evil buildings. This is usually achieved in large numbers, as it is well known that the more believers you have, the more correct you are!

Techniques

  • Brutal Faith. Quite simply, show them how right you are by slamming them a few times. A simple hand attack can often be an effective theological argument.
  • The Word. Just a bit of debating with these non-believers will show them the way. That is, we do bite.
  • Planting a Seed of Thought. Just as a plant grows over time, so too can a simple infected bite grow to a gaping, pus-spewing orifice of rotting flesh virulent with the Truth, and cause the heretics to join our side.
  • Patience for God. For those members who are so advanced in their learnings of Sweet Zombie Jesus that not even a heathen scientist can revive them. These 'rotters' can choose to wait in a 'revive line' in order to waste the resources of the heathen scientists.
  • Door Knocking. Get a few of the faithful together and door knock. Break down those barriers and bring 'the word' to the people.
  • Hymn of Thanksgiving. When a member of the Church first gains entry to a Feast, that member should Sing to the Heavens. Those still wandering in the wilderness will want to know how happy we are, and may decide to join in.
  • Protest the Works of Heathens. After eliminating all heathens in a building, ransack it. Then stay in this building with fellow brothers, as long as you reside in the building it is unable to be used. Good to do with evil netrotech buildings,

Church Edicts

"But if ye will not hearken unto me, and will not do all these commandments; And if ye shall despise my statutes, or if your soul abhor my judgments, so that ye will not do all my commandments, but that ye break my covenant: I also will do this unto you; I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it. And I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies: they that hate you shall reign over you; and ye shall flee when none pursueth you." - Leviticus 26:14-16

15 October 2005

The most holy Church of the Resurrection hereby issues a Holy Edict concerning the following:
i) Usurers
The Church decrees that banks are Houses Of Satan too foul for any Church member to withstand their powerful Corruption. Money is a source of Sin that only the Sacred Elders (Accountancy Division) are holy enough enough to resist, and thus banks have been decreed Anathema to all but these most righteous individuals. It is further recommended that Church members free themselves from the grip of the Temptation Of Avarice by allowing these self-sacrificing individuals to bear their heavy burden for them, in the form of cash or personal cheque.
Although sinners must be abhorred at all times, it is necessary for the Greater Good that the heretics already resident in the city's banks be left to tend the Church's Accounts, as in this way only already-corrupted souls will be further tarnished by the sinful presence of Worldy Lucre.
The Church is aware that, in the past, certain parishioners have in their righteous zeal entered these buildings to give the Word to heathens residing there, and is offering Indulgences for such trespasses. Henceforth, however, any Church members found at a bank without Church authorisation will be treated as corrupted, and are liable to immediate excommunication.
ii) Houses of the Holy
Mansions are sacred gifts that have been granted to the righteous by God's Own Will. Such righteous First-Handers are entitled to all the benefits of their moral rectitude, and as such their property shall not be impinged upon by Church members. Their homes exist as a reminder to the faithful of what they may aspire to if they are pure in their Faith and meek in their acceptance of the Natural Order.
iii) Apostasy and Redemption
Those who have Fallen from Grace and been seduced to the side of Satan by the sinful influence of Drugs may only return to the flock once they have repented their apostasy and put on the Whole Armour Of God. Building the body also helps shield the soul, and would be looked upon favourably for those seeking to return to the Light. Once protected by the Whole Armour Of God, the penitent are expected to immediately abandon the scientists in their Ivory Towers and make the leap of Faith back into the fold. Those who have Fallen may do pennance for their sins by using the Holy Spray Can and writing of the Church's teachings, or by standing among the unsaved so that Sinners can hear the Word. Those who have Fallen are not expected to Convert using the Doorknocking or Speech techniques, as this will make them Unclean.


26 October 2005

The most holy Church of the Resurrection hereby issues a Holy Edict concerning the following:
Operation: Crucible
In the near future, the Church proposes to cleanse East Becktown, which has fallen under the control of a band of godless Communists known as the People's Liberation of East Becktown. This group should be considered extremely dangerous, as it attempts to brainwash the masses with propaganda, repetitive chants and violence, thus making them into mindless drones to blindly follow its tyrannical dictates. Heavily barricaded behind their Iron Curtains, they commit unspeakable evils, poisoning the peoples' minds with ungodly concepts such as sharing, equality, fancy book-learning, and refusal to bow before an all-encompassing theocracy.
In response to the Church's approach, they have enacted Operation Tumbleweed, a cowardly plot to hide themselves away in universities and media buildings rather than face the Light of the Word, as they know in the depths of their wretched hearts that a hammer and a sickle are no match for the Sword of Truth.
They are aided by the Malton Fire Department, a group whose concern about fighting fires does not appear to extend to the Lake Of Fire that shall surely be their eternal home. Church members should be aware that Fire Departments are known breeding grounds for Trade Unionists, and thus this group should be considered just as dangerously Red as their PLEB comrades.
A second coven of the Harry Potter cultists, inexplicably calling themselves The League of Extraordinary Mordheimers, has also been found in Billet Row School. They undoubtedly seek to shamelessly exploit the malleability of the young minds of the LORD's children, in order to indoctrinate them with their vicious propaganda, as well as their false Satanic spells that can supposedly make monkeys magically give birth to people.
The LORD has assured victory for the Church, and the joyous bonfire of Satan's lies burning away shall be far too great for any 'firefighters' to extinguish, fueled as it will be by thousands of copies of Das Kapital, The Demon-Blood Prince and On The Origin Of Species, along with any and all who remain unrepentant.

Church Art and Hymns

"And when he had consulted with the people, he appointed singers unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD; for his mercy endureth for ever. And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten." - 2 Chronicles 20:21-2


The Church Art and Hymns page is a place to view all the church posters and read all the Church songs. Members should view no other materials then what is on the Arts and Hymns page, as it might poison their minds and lead them away from the church. Remember, popular culture and post modernism are evil!

Complaints Page

"O LORD, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived; thou art stronger than I, and hast prevailed: I am in derision daily, every one mocketh me." - Jeremiah 20:7

Although the Church strives for the perfection of Sweet Zombie Jesus and his tasty father, many people hold complaints about the Church. Such people are usually anti-god, atheists, Harry Potter cultists, etc. All promoters of evil should forward their unholy words to the very holy complaints page so that their worries are taken into consideration, and their names can be recorded by Sweet Zombie Jesus (to be smited later).

Dinner Prayer

"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." - Leviticus 26:29
"Tasty Father, we thank you for this food,
And for all your blessings to us.
Sweet Zombie Jesus, come and be our guest,
And take your place at this corpse.
Groovy Ghost, as this torso feeds our bodies,
So we pray you would nourish our souls. "

Ghraaah!

Amen.

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