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26th July, 2010: Oil Slick harming zombies
A giant oil slick off the coast of the United States has caught local apocalyptic wildlife (mainly zombies) entirely by surprise, probably causing some kind of upset to the undead legions. Volunteer groups have already been spotted in the area, cleaning and scrubbing zombies, though it is a thankless task indeed.
16 October: Special News Bulletin!
2nd November: Public Notice
Northwest Auction Canceled - Plans to auction off the Northwest corner of Malton were scrapped on Sunday due to a lack of interest. The bidding was initially planned to start at $5.32 and two handfuls of bottle caps. "No one seems to want it," Northwestern Suburb resident Chuck Newman said. "We'd probably just give it to someone if they asked nicely for it. We don't really like it here anyway."
6th October: Area News
Bear unleashed in Caiger Mall CHUDLEYTON - A bear was sighted inside Caiger mall attempting to try on women's lingerie. A local shopkeeper reported that several employees at Elizabeth's Secret Lingerie Boutique tried to help the bear into their Plus-Size department but were savagely mauled and forced to just watch the bear continue to make a fool of itself. "It was automatically obvious to me that the teddy it was trying to put on just wouldn't fit," Elizabeth's Secret owner Slutty McHoebag said. "I would've said something, but it probably would've just cried and bitten my head off."
22nd August: Informative Bulletin
DEM founds Malton boyScout troop - The Department of Emergency Management announced Thursday afternoon that they wanted to establish a boyscout troop within the confines of the quarantine zone. They planned to kick off the endeavor with a sleep-over at DEM headquarters with all of the perspective scouters. "You bring the soda, we bring the sleeping pi...I mean uh...chips," a DEM member said. He then fled the scene before our reporters could obtain his identity. The plan largely fell apart Thursday night when the DEM realized that there are no children in Malton.
18th August: Area News
Suburb not "taking it anymore" - citing rising debt, lack of tourism, and general lack of anything in the upper left corner Dakerstown will shut down for good on Friday. Says local zombie to reporters.
Mannequin born to Buttonville Couple- A local area couple recently gave birth to a Mannequin. The couple, a hard working barricade pair, weren't quite sure that they were cut out for parenting 2 years ago but when they discovered the mother was pregnant they began visiting the local mall searching for the best window to leave the child at. They are thinking of leaving the newborn at JC Penny's. "It's a good spot at the mall and the discounts are great!" says the mother.
August the Fourth - Policification
Due to recent events concerning the emotional capacity of small woodland critters and baked goods, the Daily Ruminations staff has instituted a Bunny Observation and Chewy Cookie Picnic, set for the second Thursday of every month with the number of letters divisible by three. We welcome everyone to come out and celebrate this miracle of nature!
No solicitors, trespassers will be prosecuted. Bring bacon.
17th July: Special Report
Survey shows survivors decidedly anti-FLAk - In a recent survey of Malton's survivor population The Ruminations found that almost 94% of survivors wished to be shot less. The remaining 6% were found to be dead.
16th July: Early Edition
Brains "catnip" to zombies, leading scientists have revealed after years of enclosure with the creatures. One scientist had this to add: "Zah zambahz arh hangrah!"
Philosophe Knights to open fast food chain in an effort to make a quick buck.
South Carolina is gay
Scientists revealed yesterday the US state of South Carolina holds romantic intentions towards other states. It is understood that the Government has flown in teams of therapists to deal with such a public outing. A leading cardinal has damned the discovery, holding it responsible for the current zombie apocalypse. North Carolina wants to secede.
An argument has broken out
within the ranks of Red Rum. Experts believe it began when they conducted a study into "How to Get Shot Less" and members drew differing conclusions. The situation has yet to escalate into violence however, and this reporter deems a flak jacket "heretical... and wholly unneccessary". It is believed the potentially explosive study will be made public shortly.
July 3rd and Cultural Happenstance
Rumo(u)rs abound over the most recent call for peace, love and harmony between the living and the undead since the New Arkham Free Zone: Creedystock. Is it merely a ruse, meant to lull a false sense of security within the clouded minds of Creedy's inhabitants? A true demonstration of friendship, spanning all forms of (un)life? Will there really be free pudding pops? You heard it here first!
Brought to you by our reporter in the field, Mike LeGrande:
Serial lunatic Mike LeGrande has emerged from a hole in the ground somewhere in Malton, to begin his senseless spree killing once again.
With five victims in three days, the citizens should be wary of the man with his red spatula tie. It is rumoured he is targeting those whose existence on the other side of death has been vague and unfulfilling.
Should any Bounty Hunters be reading this, he's currently out of the office for a coffee.
Breaking News: June 22nd(?) Gulsonside
Blesley Mall, Gulsonside, recently topped a poll of Least Memorable Malls. The majority of respondents to the Gulsonside Tourist Office survey had no idea where Blesley, or indeed Gulsonside, was located within Malton.
Endeavouring to raise Gulsonside's profile, the GTO invited Red Rum to spearhead an awareness campaign in and around Blesley. The culmination of the publicity drive was a charity clay-pigeon shoot in the Mall's SW corner.
Even by their own standards, Red Rum surpassed themselves with regards to efficiency and safety. Bystander and participant casualties were kept to a minimum; and Red Rum's new 'bullet share' scheme, whereby Rummers pass spare bullets to each other at high speed, was judged a resounding success.
Special Edition: June 15th
Monroeville is hungover, analysts say. The entire population went out on a bender to celebrate the lifting of the quarantine and productivity in the city has since ground to a halt. Much of the city remains in a critically drunk state, with inhabitants often so drunk they can barely walk. Our expert has been contacted, but he was unavailable on account of being tied to a chimney.
On a similar note many zombies have been fired by Malton Council for coming to work drunk, post-revelling. Several were simply unable to perform their daily routine- to the state where even pensioners are able to fend off the dead's efforts. A spokesman for the council issued a general apology for citizens suffering a sub-standard zombie service and promised to ship in replacements should the current shortage continue.
Music News - volunteer crews are making sporadic, unco-ordinated efforts to clear up Fort Creedy ahead of TrenchFest 2008. Already postponed twice due to zombies stopping play, festival organisers are promising a weekend of the finest trenchcoater-themed music anywhere in Malton. Headlining on the Saturday will be ever-popular rockers Status Report, known for interspersing three-chord crowd-pleasers with regular news on how many zombies are outside. Sunday's main draw will doubtless be The Revive Point Killers as they run through their catalogue of hits such as All These Zeds that I Have Pwned; Read My Profile; and Shotgun Ed, You're a Star. There's even a good chance that the living dead will be represented on the bill, with Amy Winehouse rumoured to be making an appearance.
12th June Issue
House prices continue to fall despite estate agents pushing the "worn" look.
Brad and Angelina plan to adopt baby zombie, friends say.
Necrotech announces new cosmetic line, claims skin cream is age-defying.
The Dancing Banana to open a new restaurant chain: franchise for "carnitarians," no plant matter on menu. Says noted food critic: the food is a-"peel"-ing. (He was later stabbed to death by the restaurant staff for making such a bad pun.)
Analysts: Clinton's failure to get the crucial zombie vote cost her the nomination.
An insider from the FEZ
has revealed that, less an anarchic commune, they are actually a capitalist front. They have apparently followed the "cultist" angle to appear hip and, following their retirement this month, plan to release a series of commemorative mugs, T-shirts and candles. You read it here first.
Interview with a Bystander: Part le Deux
It seemed the bread was increasingly reluctant to reveal anything. In a show of force and raw power, fifteen Rummers descended on the loaf shotguns a-blazing. They regret that twelve civilians lost their lives during the interrogation, but insist it was a necessary use of force.
The Malton Brainies
have been mired by corruption rumours since Tuesday, when the independent adjudicators were eaten. Murray Jay Suskind continues to deny all such accusations and has openly invited more independents to oversee the elections.
March of the Trenchies
The Philosophe Knights have released a two-hour film documentary which chronicles the migration of trenchcoaters back into previously-ruined suburbs after The Dead's departure from Malton. Morgan Freeman narrates.
American Gladiator: Malton Edition
For a special episode of American Gladiator, the producers are hoping to pit two human contestants against a team of zombie bodybuilders. Tryouts begin next week.
Scandal in the MPD?
A high-ranking officer in the Malton Police Department has recently appeared on a PKer's radio show. What are the implications for the relationship between the DEM and PKers? Does this mean that Red Rum are undercover DEM operatives after all?
Store Refuses to Sell Woman BBQ Sauce
Salmonella Fears Shut Down Fruit Imports
After Salmonella was discovered in a crate of bananas airdropped into Malton, the government has stopped all importation of fruit into the Quarantine Zone. The shortage has left many zombies with nothing to RAM RAM GANGBANG with. Some zombies are trying to make do with other foods like pudding or toast. Others, depressed at the loss of their signature fruit, merely sit on street corners and wait.
The Shipping Forcast
Widespread schooners in the morning, giving way to sloops as the day progresses. Tomorrow evening should see a number of paddle-steamers sweeping in from the South-West.
11th June Issue
The Ministry of Misinformation has been formally disbanded again.
Red Rum's share price recently rose by 14.9. It currently lies approx. 16º to the East.
The Education Budget has been slashed to fund Malton's first Space Program.
Rising gasoline prices forcing Maltonians to ride zombies to work.
Happy Birthday to sIllylIlypIly
The DEM Not Historical
Say voters. It failed a historical bid, gaining just 20% of the public's support- far short of the 66% required. Surely, a dire day for the survivors of Malton.
Interview with a Bystander
Your reporter in the field caught a loaf of bread to gain a neutral perspective on the Imperium War. Unfortunately, it proved to be illiterate. Torture has so far proved "inconclusive". We may yet resort to cannibalism. Red Rum's reporters- doing what it takes to bring your the news you want.
Lost on the Underground
Boxing Match Scandal!
Rumors abound that bounty hunter Buff McHugeLarge threw his boxing match to Ciscokitty in exchange for a jelly-filled donut. Mr. McHugeLarge denies all rumors, stating in a public interview that "its a lie and must of been thougt up by some pker loosers."
The Trial of the Century: A Sham?
Our paper has received an anonymous tip that Akule, the judge presiding over the "Invasion of Gibsonton" Trial, is in fact none other than Ioncannon11 in disguise. This would explain why the two are never seen in the room at the same time, and why Ioncannon did not show up to give his opening statement. Sonny Corleone is expected to appeal.
1 in 4 New Yorkers Have Herpes
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