Guides:Thom Flask's Super Happy Funtime Item Guide

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Alright, let's do this.


Nectar of the gods, enabler of public nudity. Not only do these glistening bottles of awesome heal you, but they give you the ability to wrestle bears.


Much like real books, the majority of these don't do a goddamn thing for you. Every now and then you'll find a good one (don't even mention The DaVinci Code, you filthy illiterate loin-spawn) that teaches you something. By teaches, I mean gives experience points, and by something I mean two.

Christmas Lights

During the cold seasons, these provide survivors with something shiny to stare at as the shambling corpses pull off their arms.


Carry one of these with you everywhere you go. They don't do anything, but at least when you die you'll have someone to complain to.


These are fantastic for taking up your inventory space and telling you things that you could just as easily find on the wiki.

Plastic Christmas Tree

Because even after the apocalypse, you're still a boring suburban asshole.

Poetry Book

Do you listen to Bright Eyes? Do you practice self-mutilation? Do you hate your parents for not "understanding you"? Then you'll love this collection of mind-fuckingly depressing poetry!

Spray Can

Have you decided to claim some suburb as your own? Do you feel that [insert name here] is a filthy, shit-licking homosexual faggot queer? Tell everyone who passes by!


Demolish your liver while remaining classy!


If you should ever find some wire to cut, these will be pretty useful. Until then, you're pretty much fucked.


Great for prying apart barricades, or conducting lightning.

Baseball Bat

Until someone re-opens a Malton baseball field, you'll just have to hit people with this.

Length of Pipe

Shiny, heavy, easily swingable. I think I can see a use for this.


Sometimes, shooting the dead just isn't enough. Sometimes they need to be poked repeatedly in the stomach.

Fire Axe

Great for killing things, even better for smashing down doors while screaming "Heeeeeere's Johnny!"


Apparently Malton is somewhere in the Wild West, so you'll only have six shots with one of these. You can scream "YEEHAW" if it makes you feel any better.


You are required by law to scream "This is my boomstick!" when using one of these for the first time.

Flare Gun

Want to attract zombies from miles away? Want to light your enemies on fire? This is your (single use) weapon.


Those guns won't load themselves, you know.


For when you want to see your impending doom from miles away.

DNA Extractor

Know your zombies.

First Aid Kit

These mystical items can restore a person back to perfect health after being shot point-blank in the chest with a shotgun.

Flak Jacket

These useful items force your enemies to use a few extra AP when killing you.

Fuel Can

Powers generators, kills braincells if stored in a poorly ventilated room.

GPS Unit

Because you can't ask the walking dead for directions.

Mobile Phone

Can you hear me now? Can you hear me- AAAAAAAAAAAGH MY SPLEEN!

Revivification Syringe

Much to the consternation of many a Malton junkie, these just revive the dead.

Portable Generator

Powers radio transmitters, attracts zombies like a light bulb attracts moths.


Someone, somewhere, is very angry at another player, and he wants to tell you all about it.

Radio Transmitter

Tell the ENTIRE WORLD that [insert name here] is a filthy, shit-licking homosexual faggot queer.

--Thom Flask 20:24, 14 February 2007 (UTC)

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