Heathers

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The Heathers
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Abbreviation: O.H.S.H.I.T.
Group Numbers: Unknown
Leadership: Heather
Goals: Look good at all times.
Recruitment Policy: You wish.
Contact: Unavailable


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What is a Heather?

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A Heather is a fashion-minded girl who loves to spend money and make grown men cry. We are the lovely ladies who sat in front of you in homeroom and wouldn’t give you the time of day. Our teen-angst bullshit now has a body count. A Heather uses manslaves to do dirty work such as griefing selected individuals, scouting for targets, and throwing rose petals for her to walk on. A Heather prefers to stay in the malls, where she feels most at home.

What do the Heathers do?

Not much, truth be told. When you look as good as the Heathers do, you can afford to be useless during a time of crisis. Mostly we wander around the city, talking on our cell phones, directing various manslaves, and spreading Heathery goodness and better fashion sense. We engage in conversation with the more chic of Malton, while giving fashion tips to those who insist on wearing trenchcoats and ninja masks. A Heather by herself is relatively harmless. Talk to her, kiss her aerobicized ass, say Thank You, and back away slowly. If you did well, you may get a response, maybe a nod. If you fucked it up, expect some sweaty manslave to come for you.

How do the Heathers operate?

We get this one all the time. And the standard response is none of your fucking business, but since you asked, like a well-fucking-oiled machine. Do not try to comprehend the motivations of such an amazing group of ladies. Just stand back and admire us with doe-eyed wonder. We can tell you that zerging is not involved, although our targets always seem to think so. Is it our fault that the coolest people in Malton always end up on our side?

Are the Heathers PKers?

No. Not in our definition. The Heathers themselves rarely risk a chipped nail by killing anyone. Most of the work is done by others (manslaves) who have agreed to do our bidding for a time. Many known PKers have worked for us, but always end up using the safe word after a few months. A mans heart cannot take much of our play. We also like to give a wide variety of individuals the chance to don the leather saddle. Some of our manslaves were even former members of groups we targeted! The Heathers prefer to think of themselves as griefers for the greater good. Random individuals rarely find themselves the victim of a Heathering. Our targets are meticulously selected based on criteria the Heathers developed. They get more than the standard PK in a mall - they get an exercise in humiliation.

How do I contact the Heathers?

You do not. Any message left on this wiki will not receive a reply. Critics and fans alike will be greeted with silence, so do not take it personally if you do not receive a comment (or do take it personally, whatever makes you feel better). If the Heathers want to contact you, they will find you. But friends who leave fan mail should know that the Heathers appreciate it and we'll be thinking Prada for you!

Can I be a Heather?

Are you a super awesome rich beautiful female with a fetish for dominating men? No? Then your chances are slim. Non-existent, actually. You may have the opportunity to work as one of our manslaves, depending on how well you hold up during the spanking sessions. You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. WE WILL CONTACT YOU IF WE WANT YOU TO WORK FOR US. DO NOT FUCKING HARASS US, YOU PAPARAZZI SCUM.

I and my group are being targeted by the Heathers. How do I make it stop!?!?

If you are being Heathered, you deserve it. If you cannot nail down a specific incident that led to your griefing, perhaps you should re-evaluate your manners in-game, on the wiki, on the forums, etc. Ask yourself: now that you are dead, what are you gonna do with your life? After we feel that you have suffered long enough, we will give you a link (via in-game graffiti) to the surrender terms that you must adhere to in order to live a Heather-free existence in Malton. The terms will be as severe as we deem necessary, and there is no negotiation. Accept your punishment and muster whatever dignity you have left and continue playing the game.

Why are you such mega-bitches?

Because we can be.


Heather communications with Malton

Christmas 2006

Hello Shackleville!

Excuse the mess

And watch those news stands for the latest issue of Heathers magazine!

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Groups that have disbanded rather than swallow their pride

FedCom - Very reasonable surrender terms offered

Last Hope - Even more reasonable

And should we even mention SARG, who collapsed after only ONE DAY of Heathering with a little help from some wonderful sweetie zombie friends? Hee hee, we hear they are desperate for our attention again, but we're sorry, they had their time in the sun already, and little boys who can't keep it up for more than one day just don't get second glances.


Also of note

DATA LOL - Woefully inaccurate, but extremely entertaining.

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