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Funneh Ha Ha

Godly Moderator

Type: New Class
Tally: +9

Also called "Ruler of the universe" Godly Moderator Skill Tree

With some zed's and survivors chearting the is only one person who can stop them... GODLY MODERATOR!

  • HOLY BAN HAMMER! - Instantly remove the victims presence from the Time and Space continum making everyone forget that they ever excisted
    • Saw III Flip book - Insatanly drowns the victim in blood
  • The end - Destroys the world, Nuff Sed

Funny votes: {{{FunnyVotes}}}
Unfunny votes: {{{UnfunnyVotes}}}

Aristocracy of the Apocalypse

Type: New Class
Tally: +10

Also called "Aristocracy of the Wasteland".

Aristocrat Survivor Skill Tree

Malton is a savage place, a lawless place, a place desperately in need of an aristocracy. This skill tree allows you to become a fine gentlemen with a plethora of noble skills.

  • Sitting down to a nice cup of Tea - For every hour after 50 AP is gained you recover 1 Health Point, during that hours of 3:30 to 4:30 this is increased to 5 Health Point recovered +
    • Earl Grey Hot - Gives 20% chance that attacks between 3:30 and 4:30 will do 10 extra damage
    • Crumpets - Allows consumption of item by same name between 3:30 and 4:30 to gain 10 HP
  • A Gentleman's Game - Player gets +20% to hit with a polo mallet (new item).
    • Sportsmanship - Player automatically says "Jolly good show, old chap!" when hit.
    • Queensbury Rules - Player gets +20% to hit, but only when wearing boxing gloves (new item).
  • Fetching the Help - Player can summon other players by emitting a loud "I SAY! WEATHERBY! Dash it, man, where have you gotten to?" that can be heard for seven blocks.
  • Indignant Outcry - Upon death there is a 20% chance to exclaim "OH POPPYCOCK!" and gain an immediate extra 10 hp.
  • Dapper Gent - Player is hereby a dapper gent, allowing the use of top hats, canes, and monocles, and the hiring of a fine manservant to accompany him in his travels.
    • Indomitable Scrutiny - Player gets +25% chance to find an item when wearing a monocle (new item).
    • Damsel In Distress - Attractive female catches our hero's eye. Due to continual attempts to woo her, our hero often doesn't notice when he's being attacked. There is a 10% chance that any attacks visited upon our protagonist will just "miss".
    • Gentleman's Gentleman - Player has a faithful manservant who adds +10% chance to success for any attempted action. However, player is not allowed to use a Flak Jacket, as it clashes with his socks.
      • Jeeves - Servant has undergone extensive training at a premeire manservant academy and as such allows for an additional +5% to succeed at any action and an additional 25 inventory slots, however the player also loses the ability to use shotguns because they aren't "sporting."
  • Sherpas - Upon hearing on the imminent zombie outbreak, foresighted peers imported laborers from Nepal, who carry around the heavy items needed to support adequate qualify of life on the run.
  • Upperclass Twit - Player is hereby an upperclass twit.
    • Matchbox Jump - Player can leap into Heavily barricaded buildings (though not Very Heavily or Extremely Heavily).
      • Kicking the Beggar - +1 melee damage if your opponent is under half HP.
        • Hunt Ball Photograph - +10% to hit with a shotgun, 10% chance of the shotgun exploding in your face (lose 10 HP and the shotgun).
          • Wake Up Neighbour - Similar to Fetching the Help, except players within range will hear "I say, can't that twit keep it down?!?"
            • Insult the Waiter - Gains full experience from human-vs.-human attacks.
              • Shoot the Rabbit - Shotguns will now hold 3 shells each.
                • Unhook Bra - Player inflicts full damage on opponents wearing flak jackets.
                  • Shoot Self - Player has the option to kill himself at any time and rise as a zombie.

Aristocrat Zombie Skill Tree

Aristocracy is not something lost with mere death, in fact, the undead aristocrat can look forward to a variety of other skills well suited to one with such a refined nature. In particular, the Gentleman's Gentleman skill is retained even while undead. After all, a good manservant stays with his employer even through the adversity of zombitude.

  • Top Hat - If player has a top hat from his days among the living he may now wear it to protect him from up to 30XP of loss when headshot and allow him to say "Jolly Good!" in addition to the normal zombie sayings.
  • A Little Nibble Before I Retire to Bed - Gives the gentleman zombie a +25% bonus to all biting attacks between the hours of 9 and 10PM

Items of the Aristocracy

  • Monocle - Requires Dapper Gent and Indomitable Scrutiny to use.
  • Polo Mallet - Melee weapon similar to the axe, does 4 damage. Found in mansions and stadiums.
  • Boxing Gloves - Adds an extra +5% to hit for punching attacks, but half damage. "It's sporting!"
  • Top Hat - Requires Dapper Gent to use. Worthless to the living but with the Top Hat skill can be a powerful item in the hands of the undead.
  • Book by Rudyard Kipling - It's no longer the "white man's burden" but rather the "living man's burden", but the sentiment is close enough to assist in keeping a stiff upper lip.
  • Elegant Walking Cane An elegant walking cane used to beat the poor and zombies alike. 3 damage with a 20% chance to hit.

Funny votes: Andrew McM W! 17:53, 10 April 2006 (BST), CthulhuFhtagn 22:18, 17 April 2006 (BST), Zombie. Pure comic gold. I say!, --Mawhrin Skel 17:31, 8 May 2006 (BST) HamsterNinja 03:30, 6 June 2006 (BST) You should add a skill that lets Aristocracy get a bonus on killing Chavs! Tsuyoi 00:21, 11 June 2006 (BST) -tsk- But what about the LADIES, man? --Kenny Matthews 06:38, 15 July 2006 (BST) Heck, I live in the USA and even I find it funny! Of course I stay up till two on friday nights watching british sitcoms... --Paradox244 W! TJ! 01:08, 22 August 2006 (BST) GuesssWho 09:57, 28 December 2006 (UTC)Upper Class Twit of the Year: another great Monty Python moment. Vkkhamul 02:06, 25 August 2007 (BST) Good laugh, wot wot! I haven't laughed this hard in a month. I would really like to have a servant in the game --SirArgo Talk 05:28, 23 August 2008 (BST) I love this idea, if only for the idea of upright gents beating on zombies with canes! This would be a fun addition, if it ever got serious consideration. --Maverick Talk - OBR Praise Knowledge! 404 17:25, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: Another "just funny if you live on the UK" humorous suggestion --Matthew Fahrenheit YRC | T | W! 06:01, 17 July 2006 (BST)

Elvis Impersonator

Type: Misc
Tally: +6

A new Civilian class so obviously missing from a game about heroes, resurrections, madness and sheer bloody entertainment. The "Elvis" (plural Elvii) is a new breed of hero emerging onto the streets of Malton, inspired by their love of The King to fight evil and spread the gospel of Rock 'n' Roll. Elvii initially lack combat ability but have an inherent agility that increases their survivability in the face of zombie hordes.--Bfgsteve 22:55, 9 Dec 2005 (GMT)


  • Elvis The Pelvis - The default starting skill of the Elvis is the ability to maniacally shake their hips, a skill which has proved useful in Malton for evading attacks. All Elvii reduce incoming attacks' chance to hit by 10%
  • Vegas Elvis - Due to excessive Burger consumption, the Elvis is now a bloated, waddling version of The King. Increases maximum HP by 10 (cannot be combined with Bodybuilding), but reduces speed of the Elvis to that of a zombie (2AP per move). Burgers now heal 2HP each.
  • Vegas Showmanship - The Elvis is now a master of the Microphone, gaining an additional 20% to hit with that weapon.
  • A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action Please - The Elvis loses the ability to speak except for the standard phrases "Uh-huh-HUH!" and "Thanyoovrymush!", but increases their maximum AP to 51.
  • Karate - Mainly for show, Elvis' version of Karate increases the punch chance to hit by 5% (useful if the Elvis loses his Microphone).
  • Sing - Elvii don't start with this skill but can purchase it to open up a list of song sub-skills. The Sing skill has no effect until at least one of these songs is learned, at which point a "Sing" button becomes available under "Possible Actions" and the Elvis can perform one of the following from a drop-down list at a cost of 5AP; singing any song in a Pub earns the Elvis 1XP, singing in a Club earns 2XP, singing in a Stadium earns 4 XP:
  • Amazing Grace - If sung in a Church, this song fills all humans present with a religious fervour, healing 1HP in each of them.
  • Are You Lonesome Tonight - If sung in an open-air location, this song automatically moves all humans in adjacent locations to the same location as the Elvis. Less scrupulous Elvii use this song to provide themselves with human shields in a crisis.
  • Heartbreak Hotel - If sung in a Hotel when no other Human is present, this song causes the Elvis to die instantly.
  • Hound Dog - This song disables the Scent Fear skill tree in all zombies within a one-block radius for their next 50AP.
  • It's Now Or Never - Inspires all humans in the same building to make an extra effort, endowing all of them with +1AP. Best used for mass escapes from safehouses when zombies break in.
  • Jailhouse Rock - If sung in a Police Department, spurs all human occupants to reinforce the building, automatically adding +1 level to the barricades for every human in the building.
  • Love Me Tender - If sung in a Hospital, instantly seduces all Doctors to lavish the Elvis with Tender Loving Care. The Elvis regains 1HP for every Doctor present in the building.
  • Return To Sender - If sung inside a building, this song immediately forces all zombies present to move outside to a random adjacent block.
  • Suspicious Minds - This song inspires guilt in PKers, and provides the Elvis with a result showing how many humans have been killed by each character in the same location as the Elvis.
  • Burning Love When sung, it has a 15% chance to light every single zombie in the same square as the Elvis for 5 dmg.

Zombie Skills Zombie Elvii can purchase the following skills:

  • Undying Quiff - The Zombie Elvis' hair has become hardened by repeated applications of Brylcreem, hairspray and dried blood. The Elvis is now immune to Headshot.
  • 68 Comeback Special - When standing up, there is a 68% chance that the Elvis will stand up as a fully-healed human, not a zombie.
  • Return Of The King - Increases chance of resurrection when standing up to 99%


  • Microphone - The Elvis' starting item is the Microphone which is spun bolas-like by it's cord before being whipped out to inflict 2HP damage at a basic 10% to hit. Microphones can be found in Mall Tech Stores, Stadiums and Clubs. Hand to Hand Combat skill increases to hit chance to 25%
  • Burger - A special healing item usable only by or on an Elvis, the Burger can be found in Pubs, Clubs, Hotels and Parks (from abandoned burger stands). Using a burger restores 1 hit point.
  • Blue Suede Shoes - Can be found in Museums. Subtracts another 10% from incoming melee attacks only ("Don't you step on my Blue Suede Shoes!"), only usable by Elvii.
  • Rhinestone Suit - Can be found in Museums. Acts as a Flak Jacket usable only by Elvii.
  • Guitar Adds bonuses to singing, can be used as a 10 dmg weapon. 75% chance to hit and 1 use only.
  • DeTomaso Pantera No one can be a true Elvis Impersonator without this car! Basically a car that can run over zombies, although it has a 10% chance of not starting, and when it does not, the Elvis Impersonator automatically shoots it with a shotgun, or if one is not available, the car spontaneously explodes.

Funny votes: hagnat talk 01:51, 7 April 2006 (BST), Mattiator 23:35, 13 May 2006 (BST), Mia Kristos 23:46, 13 May 2006 (BST) AllStarZ 01:55, 14 September 2006 (BST) Waluigi Freak 99 22:58, 19 October 2006 (BST) Mainly because of the songs. -Mark 00:26, 15 December 2006 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: Insert vote here

Everybody Hates Chavs

(This suggestion was moved here by its author because, quite frankly, barely anyone reads all the way to the end of the fucking page and now people are adding their new suggestions to the top of the page rather than the bottom) Edit: my previous statement is now redundant due to the new page layout. --Lord of the Pies 18:49, 11 October 2006 (BST)

Type: Survivor Class
Tally: +7

Chavs are another Survivor character class, grouped under Civilians. They begin the game with a Baseball Bat and a Mobile Phone, and the Chavtastic skill. They are subject to the following limitations:

Alcohol Tolerance - Chavs are only able to drink 3 Bottles of Wine or Beer before they become drunk. Any further Bottles he or she drinks beyond this point will take away 1HP instead of healing 1HP. The Chav's tolerance for alcohol can be increased through certain skills.

Drunk - Chavs who drink more than their alcohol tolerance level in Bottles of Wine become drunk. Inebriated Chavs appear as Zombies on the map as they are indistinguishable from the shambling corpses. They take 2AP to move, suffer a -5% to hit modifier for any weapon, speak as if they have Death Rattle, cannot Free Run, Search or set up/fuel Generators. They can't Barricade and if they use an FAK they will deal 5, 10 or 15 (depending on skills) damage instead of healing it. Drunken Chavs may Sober Up for 10AP.

Cop-fearing - Chavs cannot attack Cop characters unless there is a 1:100 ratio of Cops to Chavs.

Immune to Zombification - becoming a mindless, brainless, rotting, swaying, walking corpse would be a step up for Chavs, and nobody ever heard of an intelligent Chav. Any Chav that is killed is assumed to have ran away. They may Come Out of Hiding and yell an insult at the cost of 10AP.

Chav Skills

Chavs may purchase Chav skills for 50XP. They may purchase skills from other skill trees for 1000XP. Other characters classes may not choose skills from the Chav skill tree.

  • Chavtastic - Survivors gain standard XP for attacking any player with this skill. The character with this skill may also use Chav items, but they will not gain any of the bonuses unless they have the appropriate skills.
    • Hoody - Any Chav with this skill, wearing a Hoody will always appear at the bottom of the list of Survivors in a block and any attacks made by Fists against them suffer a -5% chance to hit. Chavs may not put on Hoodies while inside Malls, or enter Malls if they are already wearing one.
      • Burberry - Any Chav wearing Burberry becomes immune to standard Infections as Zombies cannot bite through it.
        • Baseball Cap and Hoody - Any Chav wearing a Baseball Cap and a Hoody counts as wearing a Flak Jacket.
    • "Innit!" - A Chav deals 1 point of damage to everyone Within Earshot whenever he or she speaks.
      • "Bruv!" - The Chav deals 3 points of damage when speaking, however every time they speak they lose 1HP as someone throws a rock/broken bottle/brick at their head.
        • "Wot you lookin' at?" - There is only a 75% chance that the Chav will lose 1HP when they speak.
    • Hard - If you poke a Chav with this skill, they will die.
      • Argos Jewellery - Chavs have a 100% chance to find cheap chains and rings when searching Argos Jewellery Counters. For every piece of jewellery being worn, enemies suffer a -1% penalty on their accuracy. However, if more than 10 pieces are being worn then the Chav takes 2AP to move.
      • "'Avin' a fag" - When behind Bike Sheds, Chavs may smoke cigarettes. This costs 1AP. The Chav then counts as Infected (and may be healed by an FAK). However, due to the dense, toxic clouds that are the result of smoking 100 (packs) a day, the Chav, whilst Infected from cigarettes, gains a special 'Cough' attack. This has 50% accuracy and deals 4 damage.
      • Underage Drinker - The Chav's Alcohol Tolerance raises to 5. They gain +10% to find Wine or Beer when searching in Arms.
        • Binge Drinker - The Chav's Alcohol Tolerance level raises to 10. They gain a +15% bonus (on top of the +10%) to find Wine or Beer when searching in Arms.
          • Ungodly - Chavs have no limit on their tolerance for alcohol. They gain +2HP and +1AP for each Bottle of Wine or Beer that they drink.
    • Uneducated Twat - Upon entering a School, a Chav with this skill will utter a loud "What the bloody fuck!", which can be heard up to 10 blocks away in any direction.
      • Literary Ignorance - Chavs do not gain XP from reading Books. All written information aside from Spraypaint appears as if written in Death Rattle.
      • Mathematical Ignorance - A Chav with this 'skill' cannot count. Any attacks made with their fists will randomly cause between 1 and 5 damage and the accuracy will always vary in fifths (20%, 40% etc.). The damage and accuracy are inversely proportional (e.g. if a Chav does 5 damage, they will only strike at 20% accuracy, if they do 4 damage they will strike at 40% accuracy, if they do 3 damage they will strike at 60% accuracy etc.).
      • Scientific Ignorance - A Chav cannot use NecroTech items, GPS Units or Generators, but can attack by using them as weapons. The weapon has a 10% chance to hit and does 2 damage.
    • TXT SPK - Any Chav with this skill does not lose AP for using Mobile Phones.
      • "PTY 2NT" - Requires a Mobile Phone. At the cost of 1AP, this sends a message to all Chavs with Mobile Phones in the suburb you are in, provided that there is a powered Phone Mast. The message reads "PTY 2NT [Insert your current block]".
    • Script Kiddie - The online version of a Chav, Script Kiddies may not use Necronet Terminals, but can hack random websites and put homosexual porn on the main page.
    • "Oi! Bruv!" - If a Chav with this skill is attacked in any way, the player who attacked them will receive the following message: "[Insert username here]'s gangly, paling, gaunt brother yells an indecipherable threat at you."
      • Chavette - If a Chav with this skill is successfully attacked in any way, the attacker will lose 2AP as the Chav attempts to fight back to impress his girlfriend. In addition, the attacker will receive a message that reads "[Insert username here]'s girlfriend makes a grotesquely deformed face at you. Briefly you ponder whether she actually does look like that."

Chav Items

  • Burberry - An item of Burberry clothing. May be found in Clothes Stores in Malls. It takes 1AP to wear this.
  • Hoody - A hoody. May be found in Clothes Stores in Malls. May not be worn in Malls. it takes 1AP to wear this.
  • Baseball Cap - A baseball cap. May be found in Clothes Stores in Malls. It takes 1AP to wear this.
  • Argos Jewellery - A cheap, probably plastic piece of jewellery, commonly a chain or ring. It costs 1AP to wear this item. A total of 20 pieces may be worn at the same time. If you are already wearing 20, you will receive a message that reads "You don't want to have back problems when you're 20, do you?", or occasionally "If you put on any more then you might cut the circulation to your [Insert fingers/head/hand]".

--Lord of the Pies 13:55, 7 April 2006 (BST)

Funny votes: Dickus Maximus 04:56, 7 April 2006 (BST), RCG Tiburon W! 03:50, 2 May 2006 (BST), Abi79 The Abandoned 18:08, 6 May 2006 (BST), --Mawhrin Skel 17:24, 8 May 2006 (BST) You make me LAWL!!! Tsuyoi 00:08, 11 June 2006 (BST) Yay hurting chavs is fun. This should be a serious skill--Brendoshi 20:49, 6 July 2006 (BST)made me laugh like hell--Mr yawn 07:20, 28 September 2006 (BST) Oh, so very much win contained here... --Zap 12:32, 13 December 2006 (UTC) But now we need Chav Hunter skills! hehe--Kaisuke 11:17, 4 April 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes: Only funny if you're from the UK. Brainzors 18:51, 9 July 2006 (BST) Yah, funny only on the UK. --Matthew Fahrenheit YRC | T | W! 05:54, 17 July 2006 (BST)Not funny and it's just pointless

Old People

Type: New survivor class Dickus Maximus 04:57, 7 April 2006 (BST)
Tally: +7

Since Malton is a city, I guess there should be old people there. Old people have the following limitations:

    • Oh my hip - Old people, since they are old and can’t move very fast, take 2 AP to walk.
    • I’ve fallen and I can’t get up - Take +5 AP to stand up.
    • Where did I put that thing? - lose 10% chance for all searches (because they can’t see well).
    • I’m not as young as I used to be - Always suffer +2 damage from any attack because old people are frail.
    • Medicare – If old people don’t take their meds once per 50 AP, they die.
    • Cannot be zombified – Old people already look like zombies, so you really can’t tell the difference.
    • Old people start with no skills since old people are worthless to society.
    • Attacking an old person yields full XP for survivors, since no one likes old people.

The following are additional skills that would be added for old people:

    • Going to the optometrist for the first time in 50 years: Old person goes to the optometrist for the first time in forever. Coupled with Bifocals, the 10% penalty for searching is gone and old person gets +5% to search.
      • Plastic Hip: Old person gets a new plastic hip, combined with a cane, old person can move for 1 AP.
        • Back Surgery – Removes +5 AP to stand up penalty.
      • Taking a shot of whiskey before bed - If the old person uses wine or beer in their last turn before Aping out, they gain all of their HP back and cure infection. Based on the idea that really old people always have a drink of something before they go to bed.
    • Memories of War – Old person remembers fighting the Japs and the Krauts in “Da Big One.‿ +5% chance to hit with firearms.
      • This newfangled gun – Old person remembers when shotguns held 3 shells. This allows old people to put 3 shells into their gun at the 50% risk per attack that it will blow up in their face (because the dumbass loaded it wrong) and cause 10 damage per shell in the gun.
    • Yell at neighborhood kids – If anyone in the room says a curse word that is audible to the old person, the old person will yell “Godammit you kids and your rap music! Goddamn Snoopy Dog and 12 Pack!‿
      • Back in my day – Old people get an extra 1000 characters to talk so they can tell their long winded stories about how they walked to school in the snow and uphill both ways.
        • Shorts and Long Black Socks – Old men wear shorts that are hiked way the hell up and long ass black socks. Whoever tries to attack them laughs so hard at them that they lose 5% to hit.
    • Wrinkly skin – Old person’s appearance has become so distorted from their old, wrinkly, calloused skin that they are no longer identified by their name. Instead, there is a box that says “X Old People.‿ Old people stack the same as zombies.
    • Slow Ass Driving – Not really used for anything. Old people are just really slow fucking drivers.

New Items for old people:

    • Cane – Found in hospitals and malls.
    • Bifocals – Found in malls.
    • Meds – If old people do not take these once per 50 AP used, they die. Found in hospitals and malls.

Funny votes: #Insert vote here--Gerien 02:49, 13 April 2006 (BST), Velkrin 07:55, 24 April 2006 (BST) --Teksura 07:14, 5 May 2006 (BST) Saromu 16:54, 6 May 2006 (BST) Bermudez 01:08, 9 May 2006 (BST) -- Kenny Matthews 06:52, 15 July 2006 (BST) Well, once again I find that some people in this place need to lighten up. It's no Black People, but it's still pretty darn funny! --Reaper with no name 19:50, 16 October 2006 (BST) Agent White is no fun at all BoboTalkClown 22:52, 13 August 2007 (BST) Old people can't be zombies because they're too crotchty to die. Trust me, I know!Pakopako 04:16, 11 November 2007 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: Jenny D'ArcT[1] MPS 14:19, 15 July 2006 (BST)Offensive--Agent White WTFW!SGPCMS-MetaCMS 05:02, 10 October 2006 (BST)

Grail Knight

Type: Survivor Class
Tally: +4

A separate character class, the Grail Knight falls under the category of Civilian. Knights pay 100XP for their own skills and may not purchase other skills. Knights begin the game with a Sword and the Brave Sire Knight skill.

Grail Knight Skills

  • Brave Sir Knight - All Grail Knights start with this skill. It allows them to Repress Peasants.
    • Swordfighting - The character gains a +20% bonus in accuracy when using Swords.
      • You Fight Bravely, Sir Knight! - The character gains a +15% bonus in accuracy when using swords, on top of the original bonus. They may also Parry enemy melee attacks (with the exception of Fists and Bites), reducing enemy sword accuracy by 10% and all other melee attack accuracy by 5%.
    • Let's Go to Camelot! - This skill enables the player to turn any building into Camelot. Camelot has invincible Light Barricades and may be searched to finds numerous special items. A building will remain as Camelot for the next 50 APs, after which it will revert to its original purpose. It will also revert back its normal status if the player turns another building into Camelot. Any survivor may enter Camelot.
      • We Eat Ham and Jam and Spam a Lot! - A character with this skill may, as the name suggests, eat ham and jam and spam a lot. They also gain the ability to sing the Camelot song if within three blocks of another Grail Knight, doing 4 damage to anyone Within Earshot for every AP they use singing.
        • On Second Thoughts, Let's Not... - A player may loses the benefits of the last two skills, but gains +5CSP (Common Sense Points) per AP spent from that point onwards. CSP is the only way to buy Crafty Plan skills and Logic skills at 100CSP per skill. Players with this skill may still enter Camelots of other players.
    • Giant Wooden Rabbit - Crafty Plan. The player may construct a large, wooden rabbit outside any building. There may only be a single rabbit outside a building at any given time, and only a single person inside the rabbit. Characters inside the building gain the option of Bringing the Rabbit Inside. The rabbit ceases to exist and the character inside it is transferred from the outside of the building to the inside. Giant Wooden Rabbits count as Quite Strong Barricades for the purposes of attacks and, if destroyed, the character inside will lose the benefits of it.
      • Giant Wooden Badger - Crafty Plan. A Giant Wooden Badger is essentially the same as a Giant Wooden Rabbit, except it may transport up to five players and counts as having Extremely Heavy Barricades (though survivor players may still enter).
    • A Witch! A Witch! Burn Her! - Logic. The character may Burn Witches, because they weigh the same as ducks, which float, and wood floats, and witches burn like wood. Any other player that attempts to deny this logic immediately loses all of their HP and AP.
      • What Else do we Burn? More Witches! - Logic. The character may Burn up to three Witches for every AP they spend Burning.
    • Peril - The Knight gains +50% XP from all damage that they do to other players.
      • You were in Great Peril! - If the character is under 10HP then all attacks made against them are made at -20% accuracy.
        • It's a Knight's Duty! - The character must sample as much peril as possible, and thus gains an AP every 20 minutes, instead of 30.
          • I Bet You're Gay... - The player gains normal XP for attacking other Knights who steal their kills.
    • It's Just a Flesh Wound! - A Knight with this skill will never become a zombie. Instead, if they are reduced to 0HP then they will need 2AP to move and may not use any Firearms or Melee Weapons. They may Bleed On other characters for 1AP. They gain a special attack: Bite Legs Off. This always hits and does 2HP of damage. A Knight will continue like this until they are healed beyond 0HP.
      • Come back here you Yellow Bastard! - If an enemy attacks the Knight while they have 0HP then they will receive a message stating that "The Knight yells back at you "Oh, I see, running away, eh?! You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's comin' to ya!"".
    • No More Spoilers - There are no more skills for Grail Knights.

Grail Knight Items

Sword - Does 3 damage at 20% accuracy. May be found by searching Camelot or Museums.

Shield - Reduces enemy damage by 1, unless it would render the enemy attack unable to harm the bearer of the shield. May be found by searching Camelot or Museums.

Silver-Painted Wool Armour - Improves maximum HP to 60HP while being worn, and reduces damage of enemy melee attacks by 50%. May be found by searching Camelot.

Ham - Heals 2HP when eaten. May be found by searching Camelot.

Jam - Heals 4HP when eaten. May be found by searching Camelot.

Spam - Heals 10HP when eaten. May be found by searching Camelot.

The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch - Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9-21:

"And the Lord spake, saying, first shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, is counted, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."

The Holy Hand Grenade always hits and is a one-use item. It deletes the player who it hits from the server and completely removes their character from existance. It may be found by searching Cathedrals.

Minstrels - Minstrels may be found by searching For the Holy Grail. On a 15% chance, a band of between 3 and 5 Minstrels will follow you around. You may eat them to recover HP: 1 Minstrel gives back 10HP. Any surviving Minstrels are removed after 72 hours as you, or any other nearby character, kill them for singing bloody annoying songs.

Holy Grail - The Holy Grail may be found only by players with the Brave Sir Knight skill. The Holy Grail may be used as a melee weapon, doing 5 damage at 30% accuracy. there is a 1% chance per attack that the Gold Foil may peel off. if it does then the player must spend 5APs fixing the Grail. If the Foil has been peeled off then the Grail may not be used as a weapon until it is reattached. The Holy Grail may be found by searching...

-Lord of the Pies 13:55, 7 April 2006 (BST)

Funny votes: The hand grenade is too powerful but otherwise that would be a good idea. Cyberbob240CDF Biscuit 05:51, 9 May 2006 (BST) (grenade only) Mia 05:53, 9 May 2006 (BST) (Monty Python FTW) --Brendoshi 20:52, 13 June 2006 (BST) (you made me go get my dvd and watch it again) 343 U! 01:10, 21 June 2006 (BST) (Can a girl be a knight?)
Unfunny votes: #Insert vote here Eh, the hand grenade ruined it for me. If it weren't for the nightmarish visual of having my character deleted from the world, I would probably find this very funny. --Reaper with no name 19:45, 16 October 2006 (BST)


Type: New Class
Tally: +4

What game would be complete without monkeys as a playable character? Well probably all of them but imagine the potential of Monkeys in Urban Dead.
I propose 3 new classes to be added to the game:

  • Monkey Marksman: This Monkey is basically a monkey version of the military class and starts with a pistol, 1 clip of ammuntion and basic firearms training.
  • Monkey Medic: This Monkey is the monkey version of the scientist and starts with 3 first aid kits and the First Aid Skill.
  • Monkey Milita: This monkey is the monkey version of the civilian class and starts with a fire axe, a mobile phone and axe proficiency.

All monkey classes start with free running as they have brilliant agility. They gain access to all survivor and zombie skills and can use all items. They also get access to a specialist skill tree called Monkey Skills which can be bought for 75XP each. These skills are:

  • Tree Climbing: This skill allows monkeys to climb trees in parks and cemetaries. They are immune to hand to hand attacks from survivors and zombies but they can be shot at. The monkey also gains the ability to throw coconuts at people on the ground.
  • Home Sweet Home: When in a zoo, the monkey gains a 25% accuracy bonus to all attacks.
    • Banana Split: When in a zoo the monkey gains a +5 damage bonus on all hand to hand attacks.
  • Monkeying around: The monkey can throw poop at other players at a base damage of 2 and a base accuracy of 20%.

I hope you think this class should be added as much as I do.

Funny votes: Author Vote- Krazy Monkey W! 18:31, 19 July 2006 (BST) LOL --Desperado 20:25, 19 July 2006 (BST) MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY!!!! --DJSMITHCDF 15:04, 26 July 2006 (BST) Do you think they could be radioactive? Would that be another class to have? Kaylee Hans 14:06, 11 August 2006 (BST)
Unfunny votes:


Type: Stereotype
Tally: +4

Being stuck in a zombie-semi-apocalypse has taken its toll on some of the citizens of Malton.

They've seen their life flash before their eyes, and found that they liked what they saw.

New players would be given another option as their starting class: Hippie. Hippies would not be able to buy the normal skills.


  • Tie-Dye: The colorful clothing of the hippies amuses survivors and confuses zombies, causing the hippie to gain a 10% dodge chance while on the street.
  • Long Haired Freaky People: Hippies gain another 10% to dodge, but are unable to enter corporate owned buildings, such as banks and malls.
  • Hemp: Hippies clothing is replaced by hemp, giving them the abilities of a flak jacket

Sing: Hippies can sing in an attempt to create harmony around them. This opens up a subset of skills.

  • When Push Comes to Shove: There is a 30% chance that zombies in the same block as the hippie will heal him when they attack, instead of doing damage.
  • War, what is it good for: There is a 15% chance that everyone in the same block as the singing hippie will lose the will to fight and be unable to attack until after they spend 10AP.
  • Mellow Yellow: Increases chance to 30%
  • Another Brick in the Wall: Gives survivors a 10% increase chance to successfully barricade.
  • Yellow Submarine: Turns a building into a yellow submarine, which can then be driven around Malton for 1 AP/block. There is a 30% chance of the submarine 'sinking' and killing everyone in the building.
  • Ship of Fools: Increases the chance of sinking to 50%.
  • Manic Sexualized Dancing: There is a 70% chance of other hippies dancing when a hippie in the same block starts singing. The dancing hippies are immune to all attacks, but are unable to do anything until the singing hippie uses an AP for something other then singing, or they switch songs.

  • Psychedelics: 'Medical' herbs heal the hippie for 15 HP.
  • Special' brownie: Hippie gains ability to see who is inside a building, without entering the building. There is a 40% chance of people inside a building to be a figment of the hippie's imagination.
  • Bad Trip: When 'medical' herbs are used there is a 20% chance of a drug induced coma. The hippie looks like a normal dead body until they stand up.
  • Really Bad Trip: There is a 10% chance of seeing a drug induced coma monster while in the coma. When the hippie stands up, the coma monster will eat anyone in the same block, causing instant death, including those inside of buildings.

Zombie Hippie Skills

When a hippie becomes a zombie, there is a 50% chance that they won't notice and will continue on like a normal survivor. If they do notice, a small subset of skills opens up for them.

  • Vegetarian: The Zombie Hippie will be unable to bite survivors and other zombies, but will gain 5 HP per AP spent in a park.
  • Vegan: Zombie: Hippie's max HP increases by 10.
  • Free Love: There is a 5% chance that a zombie hippie will be healed in full for every other hippe, or zombie hippie that enters the block they are in.
  • Strange Additives: (Requires Really Bad Trip) Due to rampant drug use, the hippie's brain chemistry is so screwed up that there is a 15% chance of corrupting a syringe when used on the zombie. If the syringe is corrupted, it will summon Keith Richards, who will take half of the survivor's syringes, rounded up.
  • Flower Power: When ever 'the man' (Cops, military survivor) attacks a zombie hippie, the zombie hippie puts a flower in their gun and walks away, moving 1 block away in a random direction. 'The man' may then give the flower to their special someone.


'Medical' Herb: Increases the Hippie's HP by 5. There is a 25% chance of attracting Keith Richards whenever it is used. If he appears, he will borrow half of the herbs you have left, rounded up. Can be found in the city zoo, arms, clubs, motels, and schools.

Incense: Reduces chance of Keeth to 10% when using 'Medical' herbs. Can be found in wastelands, schools, towers, and junkyards.

Volkswagen Bus: Can be driven around by the player. Other zombie hippies may 'hitch a ride' onto the zombus, and get a free trip. Takes 2 AP to move, but it uses less gas then normal cars. Can be found in auto-repair shops. (

Funny votes: #Cecilia Green 7:01 AM, EST --Gerien 02:49, 13 April 2006 (BST) the part about the hippie not noticing they are a zombie and going on as usual cracks me up every time --Reaper with no name 21:34, 18 October 2006 (BST) Keith... Richards? I just imploded laughing... --Zap 12:45, 13 December 2006 (UTC) I like the Zombus! We should do a Zombus Malton toor 2008!--Valian 14:38, 21 June 2008 (BST)
Unfunny votes: #Insert vote here

Ninjas and Pirates

Type: New Class
Tally: +2

Ninjas and pirates are mandatory for any game.

  • Ninjitsu - Player becomes a ninja, takes .00000000001 AP to move a block, and gets a new Ubar Ninja Attack for 61HP, with 255% chance to hit. Player is also able to freerun into any building, even if standing outside, by jumping around and using ropes. Player also gets 200% chance to find a ninja stars item in schools and churches. The ninja star item can be throw across 5 blocks, and has an area effect, damaging any zombie in a 3 block radius by 20HP, and automatically decreasing all their XP to -20.
  • Pirateship - Player just outright dies when he meets a player with the ninja skill.
  • Pirate Crew - Player is assumed to be traveling with a murderous horde, as such, if he encounters a ninja the ninja falls victim to their biting muskets.
  • Skill Arrghh - Player loses the ability to speak in any manner except Pirate. Any utterance of "Arrgh", "Matey" and "Shiver me timbers" gives a 5% cumulative hit chance reduction for the next attempted hit on the character, as the opponent is distracted and intimidated by the obvious pirate leetness thus displayed.
  • Parrot All pirates must have a parrot, which will repeat dirty pirate pickup lines ("Arrh... you're like a fine seabass: I don't know whether to mount ye or eat ye.") Pirates with extra parrots take -5 damage from ninja wenches.

Funny votes: hagnat talk 01:26, 7 April 2006 (BST), HamsterNinja 03:15, 6 June 2006 (BST), Xoid 07:25, 13 June 2006 (BST)
Unfunny votes: Biscuit 05:50, 9 May 2006 (BST) >_< —Hinoa talk.un 23:14, 13 August 2007 (BST)

Airport Baggage Attendant

Type: Survivor Class
Tally: +2

Allows the player to reap all the benifits of being a baggage handler. Exclusive weapons included. Launching suitcases at zombies, psychotic rampages in baggage carts and of course the infamous in-flight meals which can be thrown at a zombie to infect it with something more deadly than some old zombie virus...

All Baggage Attendants have a -99% of finding anything that can be used as a weapon, such as pistols, shotgun shells, knives, ect. This reflects their real-life inability to find weapons. Nothing can ever offset this and there is no compensation for this loss.

20% chance of losing an item for each action, to reflect the real-life inability to get your luggage on the right damn plane!

Funny votes: LOL --Desperado 19:27, 14 July 2006 (BST) I like it. Sometimes it does feel like those people can't do anything right, as unfair of a statement as it is. --Reaper with no name 21:29, 18 October 2006 (BST)
Unfunny votes: #Insert vote here


Type: Survivor Class
Tally: +3

This class would replace Fireman, and start with Axe Proficiency, Bodybuilding, an axe, and a flannel shirt. The flannel shirt would function as a flak jacket, but it would absorb 40% damage instead of 20. It would not stack with the flak jacket.

  • The Lumberjack Song Lumberjacks have a 10% chance for each AP used to start singing The Lumberjack Song by Monty Python.
    • Male Chorus When you get this skill, you receive the companionship of a male chorus of 10 mounties, who each have 60 hp and sing when you start singing. They also possess pistols, and basic pistol training.

Funny votes: If you don't know this song don't search it up.--Brendoshi 20:29, 13 June 2006 (BST) Jenny D'Arc 10:24, 28 June 2006 (BST) GuesssWho 10:09, 28 December 2006 (UTC)YAY! More MP goodness!
Unfunny votes: #Insert vote here

LARP Player

Type: Survivor Class, Items
Tally: +3

A member of the countries elite LARP community and veteran of dozens of successful 'battles' when the zed hordes arrived you refused to leave Malton, donning your trusty Chainmail armour and weilding the sword and shield you took from the bedroom wall your self imposed quest is to rid Malton of the zombie scourge!

New items:

  • chain mail armour basically a flack vest that reduces melee damage by 1 point and is not stackable with other armours.
  • sword a modern reproduction of an ancient favourite, acts as a fire axeexcept flavor text added to successful hits so they will read "a nerd in shiny armour hits you for 3 damage; he yells 'DOUBLE' as he does so!"
  • shield another modern reproduction this one probably looks like the 'really cool' one off Troy. it reduces melee attacks hit chance by 10%
  • Stoning The person who suggested this idea will receive a barrage of 100 stones from the sky once a week. Each stone has a 15% of hitting, and doing 5 dmg. Each stone that hits also lands on your head and knocks away 10xp, although there is often nothing there to knock away.

Funny votes: Not only is this funny, but I could see it happening. Hell, tune it down and it might even make a good class! --Desperado 19:22, 14 July 2006 (BST) I'd do it.. .I mean.... Ummm... I wouldn't... yeah...--Agent White 02:29, 12 August 2006 (BST) Mostly just for the last skill. --Reaper with no name 21:23, 25 October 2006 (BST)
Unfunny votes: #Insert vote here

Super Zombie Hunter

Type: Game Improvement, Survivor Über Skillz
Tally: +2

For all the UD powergamers who have no concept of balance whatsoever and far too much XP.

  • Pistol Supremacy: An extra +35% to Pistol hit chance. Cost: 2,000 XP
  • Shotgun Supremacy: An extra +35% to Shotgun hit chance. Cost: 2,000 XP
  • Superior Searching: Guaranteed to find something on every search attempt. Cost: 10,000 XP
  • Battle Master: 100 extra HP, +2 extra damage with all weapons. Cost, 15,000 XP
  • I AM GOD: Congratulations! You've played Urban Dead for several years just accumulating XP for this. Here's your reward. 3 AP every half hour, 150 max AP, invisible to all players, 150 max items carried, attack with two weapons at the same time, inflict Headshot on humans, instantly barricade buildings to Very Strongly with one barricade attempt and Extremely Heavily with two, 1/2 AP movement cost, reload automatically with no AP cost, and are able to throw Fuel Cans into zombie hordes to do 60 damage to every single one. Congratulations. You're now the undisputed, reigning lord of a completely broken game. Cost: 100,000 XP

Funny votes: #Insert vote here Ah, this has got to be one of my favorites. --Reaper with no name 21:28, 18 October 2006 (BST) I took one look at this and though OMG this is just soo funny I can't stop laughing.. --Matt 13:44, 14 February 2007 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: #Insert vote here


Type: Survivor Class
Tally: +1

I know that everyone likes to complain about Newspapers and Wirecutters. So I was sitting here this morning, thinking to myself, "What could I do to make these things useful?" Well, frankly, I don't really care about Wirecutters, because you firefighters get axes too anyway. But papers! What a lot of rubbish. Therefore, I propose the following new Survivor class: Journalists.

Starting Items


The pen is mightier than the sword, as they say. We don't have swords, unfortunately, but you can still do some damage with this. It is functionally the same as getting beat with a crowbar due to papercut potential and general weight. (All Newspapers in the game are henceforth understood to be rolled-up Sunday Editions so as to provide this heft and smacking power.) Info is as follows:

  • Damage: 2 points
  • Base Accuracy: 5%
  • Locations: Mall bookstores; NecroTech buildings; Hospitals; Pubs; Auto Repair Shops; Schools
  • With Advanced Paperboying Skill: 25% Accuracy
  • Additional Info: They will have an inherent "ammo" quality to them called "smacks". After ten smacks, all the adverts and classifieds have fallen out of your paper and become too damaged to cause further anguish to the target, requiring you to have another newspaper on hand to keep attacking with.

Plastic Strap

  • Locations: Mall Hardware stores; Schools; Junkyards; Auto Repair shops
  • Additional Info: Useless on its own. May be combined with ten Newspapers to form a Paperweight if Journalist has Refill Newsstand skill.

Items That Require Finding

Printing Press

  • Locations: Schools; Junkyards
  • Additional Info: Used inside Schools in conjunction with fuel cans to have an easier time of getting ahold of Newspapers (not that they're hard to find anyway). Think of them like highly-specialized Generators, sorta.

Combination Item


After ten Newspapers have been bound by a Plastic Strap, you have a massively heavy bound bunch of paper--or, a paperweight! Ahaha, puns. Anyway, when thrown, these can cause fairly decent crush-based damage.

  • Damage: 10 points (Jackets do not protect from crush!)
  • Base accuracy: 5%
  • Capacity: One-Use Only
  • Locations: Can only be made by those with appropriate skill and supplies.
  • With Extra! Extra! Skill: 20% Accuracy
  • With Accurate Slinging Skill: 10% chance 1 extra damage point.

Skill Set

  • Printing (STARTING SKILL): When a School has a Printing Press set up and fuelled, a Journalist may attempt to use it to create Newspapers at 1 AP a try. He has a 20% chance of getting a Newspaper from using this.
    • Copy Editing: The Journalist has got a bit more experience under his belt and this will increase his chances to 30% of printing a Newspaper.
      • Media Bias: The Journalist is so determined to take the printed fight directly to the zombies that he has a 3% chance of getting 2 Newspapers instead of just 1 on a successful print run.
  • Advanced Paperboying: Your days of practice with aiming for roofs, mud puddles, and the neighborhood pets mean you are quite a bit more skilled. Your accuracy with a single Newspaper rises 20%.
  • Refill Newsstand: With your boss having become a zombie, you'll need to know how to supply the world with Paperweights yourself. This will let you combine 10 Newspapers and a Plastic Strap to make a Paperweight.
    • Extra! Extra!: Why make yourself a target for zombies by standing there and loading up a machine? "Take the news directly to the masses" for a 15% accuracy jump on Paperweights due to aiming for the target's face.
      • Accurate Slinging: You have gotten exceptionally good at throwing Paperweights--so good that you can do it to where the Strap snaps on impact, showering the target in a flurry of paper and causing 1 extra damage point due to massive amounts of papercuts.

Funny votes: #Insert vote here Smacking with newspapers...just that alone makes this deserving. --Reaper with no name 19:57, 16 October 2006 (BST) This pwnz BoboTalkClown 18:17, 14 August 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes: #Insert vote here

New Class: Total N00blet

Type: New Class/Satire
Tally: +3

A new kind of evil has emerged...

Several players already complain about being nerfed, dying, being PKed, etc. Why not give them their own class?

Nooblets are considered zombies with Brain Rot, (since, ya know, they are all brain dead in some form or another) but they have their own skill tree, and can use items:

13375P34K: similar to Death Rattle, except limitations are that they can use any letter as long as there are no letters next to it (ex. T@1K but not 74lk) (STARTING SKILL)

  • Whiney Voice: Causes sonic damage equal to the number of exclamation points beyond three to all who can hear it.
    • OMGWTFBBQLOL: Strings of capitalized lingo add +3 damage for each individual lingo
  • Begging: Begs for money, causing 1 damage for every AP, until one leaves or reminds the nooblet that there is no money by killing him

l33t H4x: Enables the use of basic hacks, such as a HP boost and damage reduction

  • Aimbot: Causes 100% hit rate, but has a 0.1% chance of getting banned from the game
  • X-Ray Mod: Can see inside buildings, outside buildings, through ground, etc. In fact, sees through everything, giving the n00blet a blank map and takes 2AP to move (because he keeps running into stuff)
  • SuPrAfOrCe C4NN0N: creates a super-modified gun that will kill anything in one hit. Due to tacky modification, though, the bullet object's spawn point has a 60% chance to be behind the player's head, killing him instead.

Healz plz: commands a player to heal the nooblet. If they do not have a FAK or heal someone who needs it more, they are infected by WTFD00D, which spams the players notices with about 10 messages saying things such as OMGWTFFAG, or D00DZIT3HDIEZ!! every action until FAK'ed.

SpamWitch: Gets 1xp for every Stupid Pointless Annoying Message shouted to a person

  • PoliceSpammer: Gets 5xp for every spam message on a radio station

OMG I T3H SI LOL FUNE NO????//slash

Funny votes: Impulse 11:02, 3 October 2006 (BST) Lol... BoboTalkClown 23:04, 13 August 2007 (BST) nice... Yeeth 05:50, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
Unfunny votes:

IRS Agents

Type: Survivor Class
Tally: +3

Now, IRS agents exist in Malton as a class for survivors.

An IRS Agents' only attack is their fists. They also have the ability to squeeze blood out of turnips, but no turnips have been found as of yet in Malton. Survivors and zombies can recognize an IRS agent by his suit.

IRS Agent skills include . . .

  • Tax Collection: A survivor starting as an IRS agent begins with this skill. This allows the IRS agent to take 10% of all XP from a survivor. Each survivor can be taxed only once by each IRS agent.
    • Taxation of Undead: Zombies can now be taxed by the IRS agent.
    • Income Tax: The IRS agent takes 25% of all XP from the survivor.
  • Repossession: The IRS agent can repossess buildings, clearing them of all survivors, zombies, and ransack damage. This also extremely heavily barricades the building.
  • Casual Friday: On Fridays, an IRS agent loses the suit and wears casual clothes, allowing him to blend with other survivors.
  • Identification: This IRS agent has an ID card which prevents him from being taxed. The ID card can be recognized by other IRS agents.
    • ID Plus: This IRS agent cannot be moved out of a building even when it is repossessed.

Funny votes: = Author vote, Waluigi Freak 99 00:45, 14 October 2006 (BST). BoboTalkClown 23:06, 13 August 2007 (BST). Yeeth 05:52, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
Unfunny votes:


Type: New Class
Tally: +1

With the new class of PK you will receive the following 1337 skillz Each skill will cost diffrently

1.Killing someone in their sleep(100XP)- as PKers do often, you will now be able to create uber pwnage if the victim has not been active for more than 30 minutes. As result you have to waste time listening to them rant on and on about how you're 'gai'

2. Rouge Listing(75XP)- You're listed as a PK. People fear you but your mom is yelling for you to come to dinner. Every move costs an extra 2 AP and you loose XP for every night you spend on the computer not having a life. Needed for the Pathetic Bill skill

2A.Pathetic Bill impersination (100XP)- with this people will crap their pants when you walk into a room, causing them 2 damage from embarassment, but everyone in the room has a +15% chance of hitting you with anything.

3. Zerging (150XP)- People have a decrease of 25% when trying to hit you because you have so many copies. needed for self revive

3A. Self- Revive(300XP)- You can revive yourself if you have a syringe, for your 'zergs' come to rez you. --Ralain 06:50, 20 January 2007 (UTC)

Funny votes: FUNNY - Yes, I think you've covered all the bases. --Uncle Bill 06:32, 23 January 2007 (UTC) Captures the PKer spirit well --Agent White W!SGPCMS-MetaCMS 03:19, 24 January 2007 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: The idea isn't bad, but work on delivery. Jenny D'ArcT MPSU! 14:48, 20 January 2007 (UTC)

Evangelist Class

Type: New Class
Tally: +3

Author Note: Would people please stop assuming this an attack on religion, christian or otherwise? This is poking fun at evangelists and what they would be like in the game, due to the lack of there being any sort of magic in the game.

With so many churches around, where are the evangelists? Apparently, they all ran away. But with Malton's faith waning, they have no choice but to return.

Evangelists can't get survivor or zombie skills; only their own special skills. Also, they automatically die if they don't have a crucifix on their person when they run out of AP. But since that's never going to happen, they don't have to worry.

Evangelist Skills:

  • Immunity to Logic and Reason----Evangelist cannot become a zombie, as there isn't really a practical difference between the two anyway. (Starts with this skill)
  • Faith----Evangelist can find bibles and crucifixes everywhere at a 20% search rate.
    • Conversion----Evangelist can give bibles to other survivors. If the survivor doesn't have enough inventory space for it, then the Evangelist will start yelling about how the survivor is going to go to hell and stuff like that. If they try to give it to zombies, they will stare at it for a few seconds and then bite it. The Evangelist will then go ballistic and take the ruined bible back, slapping the zombie with it for 1 damage. The zombie then gets mad and recieves a +1 damage bonus to all attacks against the Evangelist until the loud-mouthed harman finally dies.
  • Religious Ranting----Evangelist can spout religious nonsense at survivors and zombies. When zombies hear this ranting, there is a 50% chance that they will ignore them and not be able to attack the Evangelist for 3 turns. But there is also a 50% chance that they will become so annoyed with the Evangelist that they will automatically attempt to slap some sense into them for 3 damage with 100% accuracy at no AP cost to themselves.
  • Tithe----If in a church, Evangelist can order everyone to give a donation to the church. Other survivors then have the option of surrendering the first 5 items of their inventory. If they don't give it to the Evangelist, they will call them a heathen and hold a crucifix in front of themselves (or their fingers in a cross shape, if by some cosmic misfortune they don't have one). If the Evangelist gets enough items that they can't carry them all, they will then give the excess to the church.
    • Television Ad----Evangelist can order people to give donations anywhere.
  • Preaching----Evangelist has the option of annoying survivors and zombies with religious teachings, causing them to suffer a 10% decrease in accuracy for the next 3 turns. There is a 5% chance that someone will throw a random object at the Evangelist, cauing 2 damage to them. The Evangelist will, of course, respond to this by telling the thrower about how they are going to hell.
  • Exorcism----Evangelist can throw crucifixes at zombies and survivors (heathens). The crucifixes have no effect, but the Evangelist will insist that the zombie/heathen is taking 20 damage from them due to the power of christ.
  • Spiritual Healing----The Evangelist can heal the wounded through the power of the Lord. The affected regain 5 HP, but lose it again automatically the next time they perform an action, since it was really just the endorphins and adrenaline making them feel better. The Evangelist will conveniently ignore this.
  • Raising the dead----The Evangelist will prove to the world just how powerful the Lord is by raising a dead survivor from the grave. They will sprinkle some holy water on them (found in churches at a 10% search rate) and wake up the survivor. The survivor comes back to life. Unfortunately, they are no longer survivors, and the new zombie proceeds to automatically maul the Evangelist for 4 damage at no AP cost to themself.

Funny votes: I've actually been thinking about this one for a while now, and I just figured it was time to stop thinking and just submit. --Reaper with no name 16:59, 30 October 2006 (UTC) When someone makes fun of Muslims, it's all right for you Agent White, but when someone goes in and makes fun of Christians, you have to get all offended and huffy about it. Lighten up, it's only fair that if you can insult another religion freely that you can handle yours being insulted freely. Lighten up and handle insults to your own religion. It's only fair. This one I find funny because Christians are a bunch of hypocrits when it comes to religions being insulted, which makes it funnier when they come in to say they are offended Kaylee Hans 07:54, 3 November 2006 (UTC) This is hilarious. I agree with every word of it, in fact, Kevan should put this in the game. It would make it more realistic. I don't see what problem the unfunnies down there have, though. If they can't handle having their religion insulted, then they can just not read this.--SteelVortex2 11:28, 13 November 2006 (EST) Not religion bashing, and the last skill is pure gold. --Zap 13:06, 13 December 2006 (UTC) yeah, kevan definetly should put this in the game. it's funny, and realistic! --AlexanderRM 5:21, 26 December 2006 (EST) GuesssWho 04:30, 29 December 2006 (UTC) I love you I love you I love you!!! God, I hate those guys . . . Why do these people KEEP BOTHERING US! Just move to pluto, or something... BoboTalkClown 23:08, 13 August 2007 (BST). Ah, someone who captured the essence of it all... Yeeth 05:55, 29 February 2008 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: I don't condone any religion bashing, Christianity, Islam, anything. We can be funny without offending someone.Waluigi Freak 99 22:06, 1 November 2006 (UTC) Er, no... -Mark 22:15, 1 November 2006 (UTC)BAH I hate this wiki christian bashing. SHUT UP--Agent White WTFW!SGPCMS-MetaCMS 03:22, 2 November 2006 (UTC) What's with the religion bashing?--Grigori 23:07, 4 November 2006 (UTC) Agreed with all of the above. This hits ME PERSONALLY, as I am a Southern Baptist, and an ardent believer in soulwinning. Nalikill 19:59, 3 June 2007 (BST)


Type: New Class
Tally: +4

Survivors can now choose to be n00bs (or, n00blets, n00bers, or n00bn00bs).


  • Human n00bs have a form of communication similar to regular zombies; they can only use the following voice commands:
    • LOL!
    • PWN!
    • ROFL!
    • AWESOME!!!!!!1111SHIFTSHIFT!!!
    • I'm a stupid n00b!
  • n00bs cannot do anything except annoy other users and punch stuff, because they don't understand the concept of Action Points, searching for things, barricades, XP and skills, and basic game ettiquete.
  • Killing a n00b earns you 100 XP. You also get 10 XP every time that n00b complains to someone that you cheated, and 1000 XP if they e-mail Kevan to cry because you're unfair.

If a n00b can scrounge up enough XP to purchase a skill, they can purchase the following . . .

  • This skill doesn't do anything but i bought it anyway cause i have no idea what im doing lololololol! - Title says all.
    • Better punching stuff - The n00b's punching skill now has 20% accuracy, capable of dealing 2 damage points.
      • Get stuff - The n00b can now search buildings, or, as they call it, get stuff.
        • Go to the buildings i couldn't get in b4- The n00b can now use what we experienced gamers call Free Running.
          • it's too hard i always die!!1 i want more HP - The n00b now has 60 HP.
            • i wanna talk! - the n00b can now speak
              • i dont wanna be a n00b - The n00b is now a regular player of Urban Dead. This skill cannot be purchased until every other skill is purchased.

Funny votes: Author Vote- Waluigi Freak 99 01:26, 20 October 2006 (BST) You forgot "OMG!!!"--Grigori 04:38, 20 October 2006 (BST) I think this sort of thing has been done before, not not in this way. I like it. But why do you get so much XP for killing a n00b? Shouldn't you get, like, less? I mean, it's so easy... --Reaper with no name 22:51, 21 October 2006 (BST) Death to really pathetic n00bs! And you forgot LMAO, WTF, and OMG! --Axe Hack 00:16, 22 October 2006 (BST) You forgot zombie n00bs. Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? BoboTalkClown 23:11, 13 August 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes:

New Class: UD Wiki Member

Type: New Class, Satire
Tally: +15

Author Note (11/03): I made some huge additions to this one, mainly the troll skills. Anyone who wishes to change their votes may do so (though I can't see why you would want to, since they're only additions and nothing was actually removed...).

Yep, this is you and me. The members of the UD Wiki community.

The UD Wiki member plays like a survivor in most respects, but differs in some key areas.

Instead of punches, UD Wiki members attack with Comments. Each Comment does 1 damage and has a 10% chance to hit, simulating how many people often just don't listen to reason.

When killed, UD wiki members don't become zombies, but Trolls. And not the kind of troll that makes you pay a toll on a bridge. Despite that, however, they play almost exactly the same as zombies, since it's so hard to tell the difference anyway (more on this later).

Another difference between UD Wiki members and standard survivors is the items. Standard items cannot be found by UD wiki members. Instead, they can only find these 7 items: Good Suggestions, Bad Suggestions, Dupe Suggestions, Humorous Suggestions, Warnings, Messages, and Templates.

Warnings can be found in NecroTech buildings, malls (many disagreements and arguments start over the issue of whether or not they are too powerful, making warnings very common here), and hospitals. They have a 10% search rate. When a character uses one on a troll, they might be revived and become a contributing member of the UD wiki. As one might guess, convincing a troll to give up their ways is not an easy thing to do, and so costs 5 AP. Of course, this still only has a 15% chance of success, since trolls often don't listen or just make alt accounts.

Good suggestions can be found in forts (they are breeding grounds for many good suggestions), hospitals, police stations (they're under heavy guard, you know), schools (good education equals better suggestions!), and NecroTech buildings. They have a 10% search rate.

Bad suggestions, on the other hand, are everywhere. They have a 15% search rate at every building and even outside of them (the reach of bad suggestions knows no bounds).

Dupe suggestions can also be found everywhere, but have a 10% search rate everywhere except cemeteries ("let's give the zombies something to do here!"), power stations (many a powering-the-city suggestion have come from these, failures though they were), churches (wherever there are crucifixes there are tried-and-failed ideas), and junkyards (it appears suggestors are incapable of understanding the basic principles of wire fence construction, as they continually attempt to repair the damaged ones only to fail each and every time). The aforementioned buildings have a 15% search rate for dupe suggestions.

Humorous Suggestions can be found in libraries (hey, boredom breeds humor!), schools (where do you think this suggestion came from?), mansions (Let's try sliding down the stair rail at high speeds!), and churches (hey, why not? The places need to loosen up a bit) at a 17% search rate. Why 17? I don't know. It's just a funny number.

Message items are unique in that they aren't found in any particular building type, per se, but they can be found in any building that has a mobile phone mast on it at a 15% rate. This is mainly due to the fact that roughly 90% of the spam (a key ingredient in most messages) people recieve these days comes through phone communication in the form of e-mail, pop-up ads, and telemarketers.

Templates can be found anywhere at a 5% search rate. What do they do, you wonder? Absolutely nothing. But you gotta admit, they look pretty cool.

Now that the items are out of the way, let's get to the skills that UD Wiki members can look forward to rather than those boring survivor skills:

UD Wiki Member Skills

  • Intelligent Commenter----This member has learned how to make decent comments, increasing the accuracy of their Comment attack by 20%. Of course, since this is something anyone with half a brain can do, it's the starting skill for UD wiki members.
  • Keep Vote----Can use the "Vote Keep" command to restore 5 HP and cure infection. Uses up one "good suggestion" item.
    • Revision----Can now restore 5 extra HP with "good suggestion" item.
  • Kill Vote----Can use the "Vote Kill" attack. 5 Dmg, 50% Accuracy, Uses up one "bad suggestion" item
    • Spam Vote----Replaces "Vote Kill" attack with "Vote Spam" attack. 5 Dmg, 50% Accuracy, causes instant death to opponent if it hits 7 times in one day, uses up one "bad suggestion" item
  • Dupe Vote----Can use the "Vote Dupe" attack. 5 Dmg, 5% Accuracy, causes infection (Dupe votes are very infectious), causes instant death to opponents if it hits 3 times in a day, uses up one "dupe suggestion" item.
    • Longtime Member----Accuracy of "Vote Dupe" attack becomes 15%, because the member has been around so long they remember and can quickly pinpoint a large number of duplicate suggestions that have been made in the past.
  • Humorous Suggestion----Can use the "humorous suggestion" item (has a 10% chance of getting 1 XP).
    • Funny Vote----10% chance of getting 5 HP when using a "humorous suggestion" item.
    • Unfunny Vote----5% chance of getting a "bad suggestion" item when using a "humorous suggestion" item.
  • Idea----Can use the "Make Suggestion" command for 20 AP (15% chance of getting a "good suggestion", 30% chance of getting a "dupe suggestion", 30% chance of getting a "bad suggestion", 5% chance of getting a "humorous Suggestion", and 20% chance of failing to come up with anything).
    • Suggestion Experience----Member has become very good at making suggestions and puts well thought-out counter-arguments into their suggestions before they even submit them. It guarantees that many hostile votes will not be cast and functions suspiciously like barricades. But they have to make sure not to put in too many or else other players might deem it too long to read and skip to the next one.
    • Frequent Suggestor----Member tends to make a lot of suggestions in rapid succession, many of which end up being pretty bad. Making a suggestion only costs 10 AP, and there is a +5% chance of making a bad suggestion. There is also a corresponding -5% chance to not come up with anything, as they're always full of new (if bad) ideas. And in addition to all this, there is also a 3% chance that every time another player makes an action, they will read the member's name as "Mr. Aushvitz", "Reaper with no name", or the name of some other person who makes way too many bad suggestions in a short time period.
    • Discussion Page----+10% chance of making a good suggestion (and a corresponding -10% chance of failing to come up with anything, as the Discussion page is full of ideas that never went anywhere).
    • Sense of Humor----+5% chance of making a humorous suggestion, plus a corresponding -5% chance of failing to come up with anything.
  • Maturity----Member is not a noob. As a result, it is a lot harder to turn them into a Troll (Max 60 HP instead of 50).
  • Reply----This member will not give up in the face of negative votes, using replies in an attempt to persuade the voter that they are correct. As a result of this, there is chance that whenever someone attempts to vote negatively on their suggestion they will end up being convinced that the suggestor is right and change their vote to keep, healing the suggestor instead of damaging them. Of course, the chance of this succeeding is only 2%, since replies almost never convince people to change their votes.
  • Talk Page----This member leaves messages on talk pages. It works a lot like graffiti, now that I think about it, right down to the number of uses per message and XP...
  • Previous Days Voter----After going through the Current Day's suggestions, this user will jump to the suggestions of the previous days and vote on them too. It works a lot like free running, only it's more like page running, or something like that...
  • Overcommunicator----This member has too much to say and not enough space to say it, especially when they're voting. So to make room for all the things they have to say, this member gets to have twice as many characters for speaking.
  • Moderator (must be level 10 or above)----Is immune to becoming a Troll. Any moderator who is "killed" is assumed to have gotten so tired of dealing with you and your noobish ways that they have decided to leave you alone and let someone else deal with it. Either that, or they're busy planning to have you banned. Hopefully it's the former.
    • Warning from Mods----When some average UD wiki member tells you that you need to shape up, chances are you'll just laugh in their face (or at least you would if internet accounts HAD faces). The warnings of moderators, however, carry a bit more weight. Warnings from them have a 50% chance of success instead of 15%.
    • Ban----Banning is a act that one doesn't recover from easily. But even the almighty ban can't keep trolls down forever, since they tend to have several different accounts in case of just such an occassion. But at least the mods can inconvenience the trolls a bit by forcing them to use another 5 AP to get up after being killed.
    • Deleting Crap----This mod just loves deleting pointless pages. In fact, they often go a little overboard and "accidentally" destroy a random item in a person's inventory when they kill them. Ah well, democracy's better without all that pesky democracy anyway.

Troll Skills

As mentioned a while ago, UD wiki members become Trolls when killed. Trolls are unaffected by revivification syringes, and can instead only be brought back to UD Wiki memberhood by a "Warning" item. Talking doesn't cost trolls any AP, as they're always ready to say something stupid.

Other than the differences listed above, the only differences between Trolls and zombies are merely labels. For example, Their attacks are re-named "Vandalize" (replacing Claw attacks, because vandalism is such ugly handiwork) and "Invalid Voting" (replacing Bite attacks, because these can be infectious). Players who wish to start as Trolls select the "Vandal" class. Finally, the skills a Troll can acquire have been renamed as well:

  • Scent Frustration----Troll is able to sense when a member has just about had enough of them. Naturally, this is like a big neon sign telling the troll to continue bothering them (Identical to Scent Fear).
    • Scent Annoyance----Through subtle cues the Troll is able to sense just how annoyed a person is with them (Identical to Scent Blood).
    • Scent Target----Troll is adept at finding targets they have lost or previously attacked. After all, it's so much more effectice to annoy someone continuously than to just do it once (Identical to Scent Trail).
    • Scent Troll----Troll is able to recognize their own kind, and those whose spirits have been crushed to the point that they have given up the noble causes of trolling and vandalism (Equivalent to Scent Death).
  • Attention Whore----The troll not only loves attention, but thrives on it. They will do anything to get it, no matter how obnoxious (Same as Digestion).
    • Irrelevancy----Once of the best ways to affect the voting of a suggestion is to mislead the other voters. This can be done by mentioning what the Troll refers to as "reasoning" (non-trolls tend to call it bullshit) or by attempting to interpet the suggestion to mean something that it isn't. In either case, this troll has become a master (same as Infectious Bite).
  • Font Abuse----Trolls love attention. And there is little else that grabs attention like typing in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. Or all bold letters. Or all italics. OR ALL THREE AT ONCE (Identical to Vigour Mortis and the starting skill for the Vandal class).
    • Invalid Reply----This troll loves to make replies, even when it's not appropriate. Whether it's a "re" to someone else's "re" or a reply to a voter's comment when they're not the author, it makes no difference to the troll, just as long as they get to type those two perticular letters over and over again (Identical to Neck Lurch).
    • Over-editing----This troll will edit anything. It doesn't matter if it's an already submitted suggestion, another person's comment, or even another person's page. They're not real particular about it, as long as it's annoying (Identical to Death Grip).
    • Offensive Content----Few things stir up trouble (and attention) like inappropriate pictures. Anything over an R rating is guarranteed to get you some attention and a strong response. (Same as Rend Flesh).
    • Mountains of Text----In general, people don't like to have to read more than they have to. So one of the best ways to annoy them is to edit one of their favorite pages and smother it with random text like "OMGWTFLOLBBQ!!!!!1!one!". Especially if that page happens to be their talk page. Continued harassment makes this all the more effective. Just remember: the more text, the better! (Identical to Tangling Grasp)
    • Flamebait----Making people angry is a troll's purpose in life. A great way to do that is to bring up a touchy subject when they're weak. Chances are, you won't even have to do anything geniunely annoying before they start flaming you. And that's when you bring out the barbecue sauce, cuz they're in your house now, and it's ON! (Same as Feeding Drag)
  • Memories of Intelligence----The troll remembers a happier time of their life, back when they actually had one. A time when they were courteous and understanding of other people. A time when they were bored as heck. Oh well, maybe they can use this knowledge for something? (same as Memories of Life)
    • Inane Babbling----Troll has no concept of the words "grammar" or "spelling". But they've discovered that by expanding their "vocabulary" past the mundane emotes they usually use to aggravate people, they can annoy people and attract others like them at the same time! (Same as Death Rattle)
    • Cry For Attention----Sometimes, Trolls are so desperate for attention that they will even seek it from rejects just like themselves. (Same as Feeding Groan)
    • Breaking Format----Nothing throws a suggestion's votes into disarray like a vote that ignores said formatting. With a little work, you can get kills in the spam section, spams in the keep section, and keeps that are outside the voting section itself! (Identical to Ransack)
    • Misleading Links----UD wiki members and trolls alike are curious creatures. Point them towards a particular site, and there's a good chance they'll go there. Sure, they might not go to a site about prostate health if you mention that in the link text, but label that same link as "Caiger Mall's been taken over!" and the results might be very different. Just sit back and enjoy the horrified responses (Same as Flailing Gestures).
  • Frantic Typer----Faster typing means more time for vandalism and more mistakes. And more mistakes mean more pissed-off grammar nazis, so it's always a good idea for trolls to type things as fast as they can, without even checking what they type for mistakes (Identical to Lurching Gait).
    • Alt Accounts----If nothing else, trolls are prepared. Well, also annoying, but that's not important right now. What is important is that in the rare occassional case where the troll gets banned or killed, the quickest way for them to get back to their chosen occupation is to always have an alternate account ready to go (Same as Ankle Grab).
  • Utter Stupidity----This troll's mind has degenerated so much that there is absolutely no hope whatsoever that they will ever again be able to do anything requiring more intelligence than that which is required to beat a goldfish at Checkers (equivalent to Brain Rot).

Funny votes: Author Vote - This idea came to me like magic a couple days ago, and was just begging to be put up. --Reaper with no name 00:46, 18 October 2006 (BST) Keep - Don't forget the Drama Llama, or the Vandal class.--Canuhearmenow Hunt! 01:36, 18 October 2006 (BST) Hilarious - He he, nice job. Now only if Kevan would implement it =P - Jedaz - 06:25/21/01/2019 01:54, 18 October 2006 (BST) Heh --Funt Solo 08:29, 18 October 2006 (BST) I'll bet this is going on the all-time funniest list. Nice job. -Mark 15:37, 18 October 2006 (BST) Awesome! - Just plain freaking awesome! Kaylee Hans 07:33, 19 October 2006 (BST) Very nicely executed suggestion - Humorous.Waluigi Freak 99 22:58, 19 October 2006 (BST)Well done--Agent White WTFW!SGPCMS-MetaCMS 21:14, 22 October 2006 (BST) Just reading this made me laugh so hard that I feel off my seat! Now all we need is the Vandal class.... --Axe Hack 21:53, 22 October 2006 (BST) As the admin of a large forum elsewhere, I can vouch for just how much WIN this is, applied to any Internet setting. --Zap 13:00, 13 December 2006 (UTC) I have to admit this is well thought out and very funny... thou some do have to admit that spelling mistakes happen.. not all of us have A-level English certifacates. But still this is a classic worth reading again. :) --Matt 14:38, 14 February 2007 (UTC) I love this. Made me laugh so hard! --Ducis DuxSlothTalk 14:56, 15 September 2007 (BST)--LMAO nice one man! --Darth LumisT! A! E! FU! U 01:21, 2 November 2007 (UTC)Teh funneh awesomeness! --Darth LumisT! A! E! FU! U 01:21, 2 November 2007 (UTC) I'd pick this class in a heartbeat!Pakopako 04:14, 11 November 2007 (UTC)
Unfunny votes:

Cynical Bastard

Type: New Class
Tally: +5

I personally feel that us cynics aren't represented at all within Urban Dead. Really, with so many morons wandering around (given that it's on the internet that was inevitable) I'm surprised at the lack of attention given to cynics.

Well, actually, no I'm not.

But anyway, here be the Cynical Bastard character class. There are certain restrictions and benefits involved in choosing the Cynical Bastard character class:

Everyone is an Idiot - everyone else is an idiot. That is a plain fact. Of course, naive people will say that this view only leads to depression and hostility, but fuck them all. They're just a bunch of idiots, after all. As such, Cynical Bastards gain full XP when attacking Survivors from other classes. Additionally, they gain double the full XP if they attack any survivor with any of the following words in their profile: 'trenchcoat', 'katana', 'badass', 'psycho', 'awesome', 'assault rifle' (it's two words, but hey) or 'shades'. There is no XP bonus in killing zombies.

Why do People like this Shit? - a Cynical Bastard's basic attack is not to punch other players but it is instead to Criticise them. The Criticism attack does damage based on several factors; if it is aimed at a Survivor it does 2 damage at 20% accuracy. However, if the Survivor has 0AP left they will be unable to listen and so the attack will do 1 damage at 10% accuracy. When used against Zombies it does 1 damage at 10% accuracy due to the fact that they're so stupid that they can't even comprehend how stupid they are.

Amnesia - when a Cynical Bastard's HP is reduced to 0 they won't die, but will instead suffer a temporary bout of amnesia. As a result, they will instead become peace-loving, optimistic pacifists; they will see all other players as 'Happy Fun Guys' and other players will see them as 'Creepy Happy Guy'. As if that wasn't bad enough, they will lose all of their attack options; these will instead be replaced by the option to either 'Hug' another player, doing no damage but making them feel better, or 'Smile for no Fucking Reason' which will just plain scare the shit out of people. The item 'Rose Tinted Glasses' are added to the Cynical Bastard's inventory; these may only be broken by another Cynic (see below). If a Creepy Happy Guy dies they will simply rise again as a Creepy Happy Guy. Tenacious bastards.

Huh? Antisthenes? - there is a 10% chance that, if a Cynical bastard reads a Book and gains XP from it, they will somehow learn about classical Greek Cynicism. This will greatly confuse them and as such they will lose the book and any XP gained from it, as well as wondering just what the hell 'virtue is happiness' means. This pondering will preocuppy them, using 5AP. However, they will eventually realise that their world view is a twisted version of a school of philosophy.

Cynical Bastards may purchase their own skills for 100XP and skills from other skill trees for 150XP.

Cynical Bastard Skills

  • Critic - Grants the Criticism attack. All Cynical Bastards begin with this skill.
    • Perceptive - Criticism attacks gain a +15% bonus to accuracy. Alternatively named 'Emos are too easy to make fun of'.
      • Sarcasm - Criticism attacks gain a +25% bonus to accuracy due to large quantities of sarcasm and misleading remarks drawing the dumbasses in before insulting them.
    • Scathing - Criticism attacks gain +1 damage due to harsh insults.
      • It's Personal - Criticism attacks Personally Offend players hit. This reduces that player's HP by 1 for every action they perform until they attack the Cynical Bastard back.
    • Apathetic - The Cynical Bastard is so bored and apathetic that they have a 20% chance of keeping the AP that would have been lost if their Criticism attack fails to hit the enemy, because they just couldn't give a shit, really.
  • Bitterness - The Cynical Bastard is so bitter and annoyed that there is a 50% chance that they will not suffer from Amnesia if their HP is reduced to 0; in this event, regain all of their HP.
    • Misanthropy - The Cynical Bastard hates the human race so much that they will not suffer Amnesia when reduced to 0HP; they will instead regain all HP and punch that bastard in the face, automatically dealing 3 damage to the enemy that dealt the final blow.
  • Religion? The Hell? - The Cynical Bastard cannot enter a Church without laughing hysterically. As a result, they become oblivious to goings-on in reality. When in Churches enemy attacks lose 1 damage. However, they cannot hear other people speak when in Churches. Not that they'd want to.
    • Imaginary Friends! - The Cynical Bastard now has an Imaginary Friend called Bob. Bob created the world in seven days. Go figure. Bob protects the player from harm by reducing the accuracy of enemy attacks by 10%. This effect can reduce the accuracy of an attack to 0% or less, in which case the attack is rendered useless. Again, go figure.
      • Iconoclast - The Cynical Bastard gains no benefit from carrying or using a Crucifix. Oh, wait...

Cynical Bastard Items

Rose Tinted Glasses - not actually an item for Cynical Bastards as such. Cynical Bastards receive a pair if they suffer from Amnesia. They may only be broken by a fellow Cynical Bastard, to whom the option would be presented to 'Break Rose Tinted Glasses'. This is the only way that a Creepy Happy Guy may return to being a Cynical Bastard.

Pen - the pen is mightier than the sword, especially considering that there are no swords in Urban Dead and therefore the sword doesn't even exist. However, the surrogate for swords in Urban Dead is the Knife. As a result, the Pen has better statistics than the Knife; whatever the statistics a Knife would have when used by the Cynical bastard, the Pen will do 1 more damage and will have a +10% accuracy bonus.

Middle Finger - all Cynical Bastards begin with this weapon. It does no damage but the enemy receives 20 identical messages of 'FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE' on their screen, making it extra hard for them to find important news. Middle Fingers may only be used against non-Cynical Bastard Survivor classes.

Il Principe - there is a 10% chance that, should a Cynical Bastard find a Book, it will be a copy of Il Principe. Please ignore the fact that this makes no sense. If they read it then they will become a Machiavellian Bastard for the next 10APs; this grants them the ability to coerce other Survivors into giving them random items from that Survivor's inventory, as well as the ability to change their name and character type until the 10AP period ends (this allows them to replace their name with 'A Zombie' or 'Creepy Happy Guy', for example).

The Devil's Dictionary - self-explanatory, really.

EDIT: sorted out the items section.

--Lord of the Pies 22:36, 30 October 2006 (UTC)

Funny votes: Not the best I've ever heard, but decent. --Reaper with no name 17:39, 1 November 2006 (UTC) Pretty good most of the way through, but then you hit the Middle Finger, and I can't stop laughing over that one... --Zap 13:08, 13 December 2006 (UTC) GuesssWho 04:27, 29 December 2006 (UTC) We need more thinkers! I don't care if this hasn't been voted for in like, forever, but the 'FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE' just put me in fucking stitches. Good job. Tryce of Thunder 19:27, 19 April 2007 (BST) Middle Finger gets my vote.Pakopako
Unfunny votes:

Milton Waddams

Type: New Class -- Kaylee Hans 09:04, 14 November 2006 (UTC)
Tally: +5

When you begin the game, you have a new class to play under the Office Space Class. Milton Waddams (the Milton). The Milton begins with a red swingline stapler and staples for it and a box of matches. Initech Worker skills for the Milton are 150XP as he isn't really an employee there, and the Milton's Skills? are 100XP each. Only the Milton can buy from the Milton's Skills? tree


No matter how many times Bill Lumbergh tells the Milton to move his desk, the Milton has to move it.

Since the Milton sits at his desk and mumbles, the only things he can say normally are "I believe you have my stapler" and "I'll set the building on fire". Everything else is mumbled.

The Initech Employee's Skills

  • Initech Worker- Person can recognise the Initech building from the street and can enter it. However, they do suffer static damage when they open the doors, which causes 2 damage straight up
    • Hand Drill- Stealing a drill from a construction worker means that you no longer take static damage upon entry as you just knock out the door handle and kick the door open. This skill can also be used to rearrange cubicles and knock them down

The Milton's Skills?

  • Stapler Possesion- The classic red swingline stapler cannot be dropped from his inventory. The Milton already begins with this skill. Whenever a player talks about the stapler, he gets possesive of it with a message saying "Milton moves his stapler back and puts a strong grip on it"
  • Collating- If in posession of a radio, the Milton can listen to news reports as long as it's at a reasonable volume of at least 9 to 11. If anyone like Peter asks the Milton to turn the radio down, the Milton tells them about Sandra and how she can file with her headphones on, then the Milton can collate with the radio at a reasonable volume of at least 9 to 11
  • Office Work- The Milton was laid off a few years ago and nobody has bothered to tell him and through some glitch in the system, he still gets his paycheck. The Milton can find Paychecks at any office building at a 3% search rate (8% at Initech).
    • Computer Glitch- The Milton cannot find paychecks in Initech as the problem got solved. If the Milton tries to ask Lumbergh why he's not getting his paycheck, he's told to see Payroll, and Payroll tells him to see Lumbergh. This makes the Milton angry, causing 10% extra damage to Stapler Attacks
      • Lumbergh's birthday- When a party is happening and cake is passed around, the Milton cannot get a piece because some fat receptionist says "You must share so everyone gets a piece". This doubles the damage from Stapler Attacks as the Milton is so angry that he hasn't got a piece and is thinking about burning the building down
  • Storage Room B- The Milton is moved down to storage room B because Lumbergh told him to. The Milton can find flashlights and cans of pesticides for 4% at any basement of Initech. The Milton can then attack cockroaches at a 25% chance to hit and gain 2 XP per cockroach death
    • Not my job- The Milton gets a 75% chaance to hit cockroaches and gains 4XP from them
  • Arson Threats- The Milton is so angry that matches have a 20% chance to attack
    • Stapler Stolen- The Milton loses his stapler and becomes angrier. Match damage is increased to 20
      • That's the last straw- The Milton can burn down the Initech building, causing it to become smoking ruins. This is one skill that can only work once because there wouldn't be another Initech. Burning Initech gives the Milton 10000XP because it's a one-shot skill unless the managers I mean Kevan decides to build a new one
        • Vacation- The Milton no longer has to worry about Initech now as he's on vacation. However he has to complain about the salt in his drinks. Tequila has a 10% chance to be found in Hotels, Arms, Clubs and Liquor stores. "I ate the worm" T-shirts can be found in Mall Clothing stores, Hotels and Junkyards for about 5%. Oh and the Milton gets his stapler back, but its burned
          • Salt in the Guacamole- The Milton puts salt in the Guacamole and then writes a letter to the Board of Tourism. The Milton can write angry letters about Hotels, Arms, Clubs and Liquor Stores and vacation resorts on beaches and get them shut down so nobody can enter, not even zombies because the Milton is upset about the salt in his drinks


  • Initech- Requires the Initech Worker skill to notice. Initech is located in a random suburb and is 6x4 blocks big. It is full of paychecks and corporate bosses, who you get 8 of them coming down on you if you make a single mistake. Has a cockroach problem in the storage room. All door handles are made of metal and are good at absorbing static electricty.
    • Cubicle farms- Inside Initech are many cubicles too small to work in. They can be entered for 1 AP These can be used to hide from zombies, PKers and that whatnot because there are so damned many of them. You can be seen by others in the cubicle farm but not outside. With the hand drill skill, you can knock down cubicle walls and use the new layout to make you invisible to Pkers, zombies and the whatnot, even if they are inside unless they have the Hand Drill skill.
      • Cubicle Walls- If you knock out a cubicle wall, it has a 30% chance of falling on someone in the building and causing 10 damage, regardless of flak jacket (see if a vest of metal plates saves you from a light, plastic wall... wait a second)


  • Red Swingline Stapler- Causes 2 damage with a 20% chance to hit. Cannot be found, all Miltons start with one. 30% accuracy with Computer Glitch skill, 4 damage with Lumbergh's Birthday skill. Carries 30 staples before reloading
  • Red Swingline Stapler Staples- Contains 120 staples and can be found in Mall Hardware stores for 5% search rate, 10% at an Office, and 20% at Initech
  • Boston Stapler- Absolutely useless. Can be found at Initech for 5% search rates, but cannot be used for anything as it binds up too much
  • Paycheck- Can be found in offices for a 3% search rate, 8% at Initech, only if they have the Office Work skill. If click on, it has a 5% chance of giving the Milton 3XP. It has a 5% chance of bouncing away on every click, making the Milton lose the paycheck.
  • Matches- Does 10 damage for a 5% hit accuracy. 20% accuracy with Arson Threats skill, 20 damage with Stapler Stolen skill. Can burn down Initech with That's the last straw skill.
  • Flashlight- Provides light for the pesticide
  • Pesticide- Used to kill cockroaches for Xp, even though it isn't the Milton's line of work...

I'll add more later, but please vote on what you think of the suggestion, not on the length

Funny votes: Long I know, but it has room for more characters and stuff Kaylee Hans 08:56, 14 November 2006 (UTC) Do it, I want to see the rest --Agent White WTFW!SGPCMS-MetaCMS 18:22, 15 November 2006 (UTC) Waluigi Freak 99 21:09, 16 November 2006 (UTC) Some of it took a while to drudge through, but other parts of it were funny enough to keep the average funniness high. --Reaper with no name TJ! 23:53, 18 November 2006 (UTC) What happens when they die? "I believe you have my Mrh?" --Zap 13:18, 13 December 2006 (UTC)
Unfunny votes:


Type: New Class
Tally: +6

You know, there's one thing you don't see very much of in zombie outbreaks, and that's kids. What happened to all of Malton's children? They couldn't have just disappeared. No one in Malton disappears. They either become survivors on the run (or hiding out in malls, but that's an entirely different story...) or zombies. So, why don't we take the children out of hiding to see the zombies? I mean, you just know they're gonna be begging you to take them anyway...

As we all know, kids have a LOT of energy. This, of course, has to be reflected in their gameplay. So, kids only have to pay 1/2 an AP for movement (remember, when you're a kid things don't have to make sense). They can also get into any heavily barricaded building because they got so much practice on the jungle gyms at the park before the outbreak.

Children generally aren't very strong. The same will be true for UD. Children have only 20 HP and suffer a -2 damage penalty for all melee attacks (this makes their punch do negative damage, but like I said before, things don't have to make sense when you're a kid). However, there is a 1 in 10 chance that their melee attacks will do double the damage that an adult's attack would have. This is because the kid managed to hit the adult in a "sensitive" area (shins for the females...and I think you can figure it out for the males...).

"But what about guns?" you may be asking yourself. Well, it's not easy for a child to get one. They are unable to find a firearm when searching if an adult is in the building. But if they are unsupervised, they can find them at normal rates and use them. When they do attempt to fire the gun, there are several differences between them and an adult. For one thing, they suffer a -20% hit penalty, because guns (hopefully) aren't made for that size body. There is also a 50% chance that the gun will not fire due to child safety locks. Finally, if the gun does fire, there is a 20% chance that the kid will accidentally shoot another survivor instead of a zombie (assuming they shot at a zombie in the first place, of course). This accidental target can be another child, an adult, or even themselves. Kids aren't very smart when it comes to guns.

Now, by this point, you're probably wondering, "What happens if the kid gets killed?". Oh, you silly goose; That doesn't happen. You don't "kill" kids; you just discipline them with physical force. When a child has been punished enough, they get tired and have to take a nap. It's the way of the world. I mean, even PKers and zombies have some morals.

Children are also somewhat limited in what skills they can acquire. After all, it's not easy to explain the finer points of barricade construction to a hyper-active 5 year old. To balance this out they have one skill (the starting one) that is unique to them and can also purchase 2 zombie skills that they can use at any time. Below is a listing of the skills they can buy:

Hyperactive (can move for 1/2 AP per block, starting skill)

"BANG! BANG!" (Basic Firearms Training)
"TEW! TEW!" (Pistol Training)
Better "TEW! TEW!" (Advanced Pistol Training)
"BOOM! BOOM!" (Shotgun Training)
Better "BOOM! BOOM!" (Advanced Shotgun Training)

Horseplay (Hand to Hand Combat)
Pointy Stuff (Knife Combat)
Playing With Sticks (Axe Proficiency)

"Mommy! Mommy! I want this!" (Shopping)
Temper Tantrum (Bargain Hunting)
Drawing on the Walls (Tagging)
Play with the Knobs (Radio Operation)

"That's where my Daddy works"(NecroTech Employment)
Poke (Lab Experience)
Push all the Buttons! (NecroNet Access)
Playing Doctor (Surgery)

High-Pitched Squeal (Feeding Groan)
Making a Mess (Ransack)

As you can see, adding children to the world of Urban Dead would make for a much more interesting play experience. Sure, it would probably be somewhat more stressful, but it's not like taking care of kids is THAT hard, right?

Funny votes: I've been thinking about doing this one for a while, and I think it came out pretty good. --Reaper with no name TJ! 19:46, 29 November 2006 (UTC) You stole my suggestion! I was working on something like this too, only with babies. Guess I'll have to do it sometime later.Waluigi Freak 99 22:18, 30 November 2006 (UTC) Very good. -Mark 23:26, 11 December 2006 (UTC) I like this one. Though I would have allowed for Zombie Children...aka - Ankle Biters. –Ray Vern Pig.gifphz T 11:38, 30 April 2007 (BST) Nice, I approve! Adept Omega 00:23, 3 December 2007 (UTC)
Unfunny votes:


Type: New Character Class
Tally: +8

The nerds have now begun their stay in Malton. An independent class all their own, the nerds have joined together. They see the zombie epidemic as a perfect opportunity to take the city as their own.


  • Nerds cannot gain XP from books. It is impossible for them to learn anything new from books, because they know everything already.
  • A nerd must carry a pair of eyeglasses in their inventory at all times. If they ever drop their glasses (or have them stolen), their vision will suffer, and they will be unable to see anything beyond the block they are in.
  • Every nerd must pay a visit every month to the Malton Dental Services building to have their braces tightened.


  • Big Words: The nerd can confuse players with big words. Other players enter a confused, dazed state whenever the nerd uses the following words: "calculus", "phototropism", and "straightedge". The dazed survivors cannot do anything until they exit the confused state of mind, at the cost of 3 AP.
    • Advanced Vocabulary: Survivors go into a totally dumbfounded state whenever the nerd says "extrapolation", "hyperbolic", "asymptotic", or anything in Latin. The dumbfounded state can be reversed with 5 AP.
  • Pythagorean Theorem: The nerd can now build barricades. Due to their knowledge of the Pythagorean theorem, their barricades are twice as strong.
  • Star Wars Geek: The nerd now weilds a light sabre to battle the forces of the Dark Side.
    • "May the Force Be With You": Whenever the nerd says this famous movie line, every other Star Wars Geek in the building will gain 5 AP.
      • Yoda Talk: Everything the nerd says is translated into Yoda.
  • Pizza Delivery: The nerd will have pizza delivered to their safehouse every Thursday because they're too geeky to eat anything else. Of course, they'll always eat it cold, because they like it that way.
    • Moldy Pizza: The nerd has left his pizza in the fridge for so long it has become a moldy, moving, living thing. The nerd can now perform science experiments on it to gain XP.
  • H2SO4: The nerd can splash sulfuric acid in other people's faces.
  • Technical Jokes: The nerd can tell jokes about DNA, RAM, and LEDs. Of course, no one around will understand what he's talking about.
  • Hacking: The nerd has hacked into Urban Dead and made themselves king of the game. This skill cannot be purchased until the nerd owns every other skill.

And of course, what are nerds without nerd hunters?

Nerd Hunter Skills

  • Glasses Theft: The nerd hunter has stolen the nerds glasses! They now have the opportunity to play keep-away with them. Of course, they will probably fall and break, at which point the nerd will have to tape them together with boogers.
  • Wedgie: The finishing blow for nerds. Similar to headshot. The nerd, after standing up, will have to spend an extra 5 AP digging the wedgie out.

Being a nerd myself, I just wanted to give this tongue-in-cheek view of a new class.

Funny votes: Waluigi Freak 99 01:02, 2 December 2006 (UTC) God help Malton if people don't know about the Pythagorean Theory...--Labine50 MH|ME|P 23:36, 3 December 2006 (UTC) Man, I wish I had thought of this! --Reaper with no name TJ! 15:44, 4 December 2006 (UTC) Very nice. Very nice. -Mark 17:46, 7 December 2006 (UTC) GuesssWho 04:13, 29 December 2006 (UTC) No kidding . . . but you forgot Star Trek! And D&D! Barharh! --SporeSore 19:11, 12 January 2007 (UTC) Wedgie! --MordredMalTel 21:00, 16 January 2007 (UTC) Boooo! 'May the Force Be With You' has zerging potential! Very funny suggestion. --The Trichloroethane Potato SGP E! RQ! Winner 1! 00:16, 28 November 2007 (UTC) Go nerds--CorndogheroT-S-Z 18:26, 9 April 2008 (BST)
Unfunny votes:

Animals in the game

Type: Satire -Kaylee Hans 20:47, 16 December 2006 (UTC)
Tally: +7

EDIT: Now seriously, don't vote on the grammar, vote on the suggestion itself. Change your votes accordingly

i say we should put animals in da game cause itd be cool. i say we have two types dogs and wolfs lololol! dogs can chase after other surviours and infect them with rabies olololo!! wolfs can go around fghting in packs and hurt humans and are useless when zombies! i'll keep making suggestions on how to put animls in the game and each 1 worse than the next1

dog skills:

bark - the dog can bark up to a gazillion blocks away because they can

rabieslolol- dogs can infect surviours with a zombie's infection even though zombies don't have rabies

chase - dogs can use 1 ap for moivng a hundred blocks

scent - dogs can smell any human and find them

wolfs skills lol wolfs:

howl - like bark expect it goes 30 blocks more

alphas male - the wolf can cause more damage because it is the alpha lol!

pack hunt - when with other wolfs, the wolf can cause more damage to humas

when the animals are zombies they can buy the same skills and have no diffrence this can lead to the rise of animal hunters, like AKers or DKers or WKers and organised groups like wolverines or animal hunters plz vote for my suggestion lol, animals are needed in the game nevermind the poor speeling plz vote lololol11111oneoeneleveneelven

edit: i also say we should hav parrots.

parrots can fly across 2 blocks for 1 ap because theyre parrots lol!

they can attack with their claws for 2 damage with 30% chance to hit

if the parrot isn't in a building when it runs out of AP it spontaneously combusts and dies, becoming a dead parrot and made fun of accordingly

the parrots can learn the following skillz:

squwark - the parrot can be heard up to 15 blocks away

repeat - if a surviour says something the parrot can save it and repeat it for later for 1 ap good 4 knowing who's a PKer and who not to revive and stuff

talons - the parrot can attack for 4 damage

bite - the parrot can bite for 4 damage and infect them because thy can lol!!

Funny votes: It's clearly a troll. I refuse to believe that anyone could really spell that badly. Matt the Zombie 07:56, 26 December 2006 (UTC) Some people just don't get the point - Kaylee Hans 20:47, 16 December 2006 (UTC) Great making fun of the "real" suggestion. -Mark 01:59, 17 December 2006 (UTC) Okay, I'm changing my vote... but only because you added a reference to the "dead parrot" sketch. Now if only it could poop on somebody's head... --Uncle Bill 16:31, 17 December 2006 (UTC) It's organized like a real suggestion, which is what makes it funny when one considers the grammar. --Zap 23:58, 17 December 2006 (UTC) Normally, bad spelling doesn't equal humor to me, but in this case the spelling isn't just there for no reason; it is actually used the way it is supposed to (in a supporting role to the stupidity, not the defining aspect of said stupidity). It works well. I don't get what the dead parrot reference was, but the statement cracked me up all the same. --Reaper with no name TJ! 02:59, 18 December 2006 (UTC) GuesssWho 04:07, 29 December 2006 (UTC) Dead Parrot Sketch! Yay! Now do the Lumberjack Song! Cap'n Silly You couldn't tell this apart from the suggestion it parodies! Loved the parrot thingy.16:12, 5 January 2007 XD --MordredMalTel 20:45, 16 January 2007 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: I don't know, maybe it's just me, doesn't seem funny. --Agent White W!SGPCMS-MetaCMS 02:26, 17 December 2006 (UTC) The 'lols' killed the joke. They often do. - BzAli 23:04, 28 December 2006 (UTC)

Babies, Kids, and Parenting

Type: New Class
Tally: +5

NOTE: This is NOT a rip-off of Reaper with no name's suggestion. I was actually considering suggesting this way before he did, I just have it finished now.

It seems very odd that the only characters of Urban Dead are adults. Where are the kids? This suggestion remedies that problem.

Making Kids: Step One Step One usually occurs in a bar or in a hotel, although it's happened in other locations, as well. I won't explain the details of it; ask your parents.

Making Kids: Step Two Nine months must go by before Step Two can occur. During those nine months, the mother looks like a bloated hippo and thusly takes 2 AP to move around. After those nine months, the baby can only be delivered in a powered hospital by a doctor with the "Surgery" skill.

Once all this is done, the baby is born and is taken back to a safe house with his or her parents.

Babies: Limitations

  • Babies can only crawl around, taking 2 AP. However, the minute they are in a block different from their parents, they will begin screaming uncontrollably, at which point someone will scream, "Shut that kid up!", at which point the baby will scream louder, at which point dogs will bark loudly, at which point the baby will cry even louder, at which point the National Guard will show up, at which point the baby will scream so loud it will be undetectable to the human ear, but will be detectable to dogs ears, at which point the dogs will go wild and attack whoever they see, tearing down the border to the city, at which point the zombies will escape Malton and infect the rest of the world, at which point the entire planet will be doomed to the zombies.
  • A baby's speech is limited to, "Goo-goo", "ga-ga", "da-da", "mom-mom", and "Gimmee!".

Babies: Advantages

  • Babies cannot be attacked, as they're so cute.
  • A baby's only attack is "Bite". This is similar to a zombie's bite attack, but it's totally different, because the baby doesn't gain HP, doesn't infect the victim, doesn't gain the baby XP, and doesn't cause any damage, because, although it hurts like heck, it doesn't deal any actual HP-loss in the long run.
  • A baby can purchase any Baby Skills for 1 XP, because life is simpler when you're a baby.

Babies: Skills

  • Cry - Every baby's starting skill. Every time they click the "Cry" button, every survivor in the area receives the message, "You hear a loud, obnoxious baby crying nearby." This can get incredibly annoying if the baby cries repeatedly. Every adult has the option to plug his ears for 1 AP, allowing them to ignore the crying. However, for every adult that plugs his ears, the baby earns 1 XP to purchase more annoying skills.
    • Loud Wail - The baby's crying can be heard within a ten block radius.
      • Extremely Loud Wail - The baby can be heard throughout the city.
        • "Honey, what the heck made us think that having a kid was a good idea?" - The baby's crying is now unbearable. Now, everyone in the city has gone deaf. They can no longer hear what other people have to say.
  • Wet Diaper - The baby has wet his diaper and will now keep crying, making it impossible to hear what other people in the building say unless the diaper is changed. New diapers can be found in nurseries. A diaper can only be changed by a parent with the appropriate skill.
    • Number Two - The baby's diaper is more than wet. The smell can be sniffed within a ten block radius.
  • Hungry - The baby is hungry and will eat anything if it is not fed baby food (found in nurseries). The baby can only be fed by a parent with the appropriate skill. If the baby is not given food within 2.5 seconds of becoming hungry, its screams will be audible and it will eat the first item in one of his parents' inventory, at no harm to himself, but that item will disappear from the parent's inventory. Of course, if the baby happens to grab beer, wine, or something dangerous, it will be taken away by the parent before the kid can eat it. The downside? WAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
  • Talking - The baby can now use the characters "a", "b", "c", "d", "e", "w", "m", and "You do know that we babies are far more intellectually advanced in real life, and that we only pretend to be mindless, defenseless humans to prevent you stupid parents from uncovering our plot of world domination."

Babies: Parenting Skills These skills can be only earned by the baby's parents. They cost 150 XP because they are so difficult to learn.

  • Diaper Changing - It's an unwanted job, but it's one that has to be done.
    • Toilet Training - The baby is now toilet trained and cannot use the "Wet Diaper" and "Number Two" skills.
  • Pacify - The parent can stick a pacifyer (or binky, or whatever you call it) into the baby's mouth, stopping it from crying for a few seconds before the baby spits it out.
  • Spank - Whenever the baby does something the parent doesn't like, they can spank the baby. Crying ensues, and the parent is arrested for child abuse, 'cause it seems nowadays that every kind of discipline is child abuse.
  • Feeding - The parent can feed baby food to the baby, of course, the baby will spit it out right back on them. All other survivors in the area will see the parent as "covered with chewed-up banana."

From Babies to Teens Babies become teenagers in two weeks (they grow up so fast!). Teens have no special skills (none that I can post in a G-rated suggestion, anyway), but parents do.

Parenting Teens

  • "Over my dead body!" - If the parent says this, the teen will not be able to do a desired activity (combat zombies, go to the mall, etc.). The minute the parent dies, the teen will be free to perform the activity.
  • "When I was your age, I had to walk to school, in the snow, uphill both ways, with a warm potato in my freezing hands, and then I ate the potato for lunch!" - The parent exaggerates about growing up in the Great Depression, and, frankly, the teen doesn't really care.
  • "Do I look like I'm stupid?" - A question asked to the teen. An honest answer is always the wrong one.
  • "Answer me when I talk to you!" - The teen is forced to speak whenever the parent does.
    • "Don't you talk back at me!" - The teen cannot talk if the parent speaks.
      • "Do I look like I'm speaking to hear myself talk? Answer me!" - The teen once again has to speak if the parent asks them a question.
        • "When I was your age, I'd be struck for talking without permission!" - The teen cannot speak when the parent does (again).
          • "You know, it's really rude to just ignore someone when they're talking to you." - The teen is so confused, their AP is reduced to 0.

Entering Adulthood Within two weeks of becoming a teen, the player will become an adult.

That's pretty much it.

Funny votes: Author Vote - Waluigi Freak 99 21:30, 20 December 2006 (UTC) Yeah, that sounds about right. And as a bonus, you found a way to use crucifixes, newspapers, and wire cutters... as baby food! Brilliant. (Well maybe not the wire cutters, they're kind of dangerous.) --Uncle Bill 22:45, 20 December 2006 (UTC) Nice one. Good job. --Reaper with no name TJ! 02:41, 25 December 2006 (UTC) my sister says "this is really funny, but I would like to suggest an intermediate stage between baby and teen, perhaps 'child' or 'toddler', with such attacks as 'whine' or 'temper tantrum' or 'whack with toy'." wonder where you'd find the item "toy"... mall toy stores? --AlexanderRM 3:33 PM, 26 December 2006 (EST) agree with AlexanderRM... Mattiator 05:10, 28 March 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes:

Necronet Item change and new character class

Type: Stereotypes - Kaylee Hans 02:04, 6 January 2007 (UTC)
Tally: +9

Edit: I've added some more things

When scanning a zombie with a DNA Extractor, there should be an 80% chance of it crashing and displaying a windows error message such as "This DNA Extractor -service number- has commited an illegal operation. The DNA Extractor -service number- will now terminate your scan" wasting an AP. It's a 99% chance when you scan a rotter because if Windows NT can't turn up a scan on a regular zombie, there's no way it can on a rotter.

When accessing Necronet, there's a 75% chance of the terminal crashing and instead of showing you the map of the area, it'll just show a blue screen of death (which will then kill you) because Necronet is cheap and uses Microsoft Windows NT for all it's computers (Necrotech= NT. See what I mean?).

Also, when using a syringe on a Brain Rotted Zombie in a powered Necrotech building, it should also have a 60% chance of crashing. When it crashes, it releases the syrum, but instead turns the target zombie to lose all their skills of both sides and turn them into a Microsoft Employee. When a Microsoft Employee attacks a surviour, they get multiple subliminal messages to go buy the latest Windows at the local mall.

Microsoft Employee's only attack is Speech. It causes 2 damage at 20% accuracy.

Microsoft Employees cannot be killed. When they die, they just "crash". They can restart for 10AP, or 1AP with File Backup.

When you ask a Microsoft Employee a question like "Where am I?", they won't give you GPS co-ordinates or even the type of building or location. They'll just say "You are in/out of a building/open space". In other words, they give you an answer that is 100% accurate, but 100% useless.

Microsoft Employee's Skills -

  • Cost: 100XP each, unavailable to any other class
  • Subliminal Messages - The starting skill for all Microsoft Employees after a syringe crash. Causes their victim to go to the local mall after an attack and buy the latest Microsoft products.
  • Loyalty to Gates - The Microsoft Employee had 60HP now because Bill Gates gave them an upgrade for all the loyalty
  • Windows 3 with DOS - Using older, crappier versions of Windows, the Microsoft Employee can cause 3 damage per Speech at 40% accuracy now
    • Windows 95 - Using an old, crappy version of Windows, the Speech has a 60% chance of hitting
      • Windows 98 - Speech is now 70% accurate
        • Windows NT - When the Microsoft Employee attacks, it causes an infection because NT is based off new technology, not DOS, so it's more prone to viruses and viruses can spread to others
          • Windows XP - Infections now cause 2 damage if hit by a Microsoft Employee with this skill
            • Windows Vista - A program so crappy that can't play many games. This skill causes infections from Microsoft Employee only can be cured in a powered hospital with Surgery and a First Aid Kit and if the healer has the skill "Virus Removal"(subskill of Surgery). Infections are upped to 5 damage for any action including speaking with a 10% chance of causing 7 for speaking
  • Anti-Virus - There's a 75% chance of the Microsoft Employee not getting infected from a zombie or another employee because they use an anti-virus program. Why it's not 100% because some people invent ones that the program is not updated to protect against yet.
    • File Backup - If a Microsoft Employee crashes, he can get up for only 1 AP now
      • Reformat Hardrive - When the Microsoft Employee attacks, there's a 25% chance of the victim having all their skills disabled until they get all the useless files and viruses off their computer for a 15AP cost
        • Format Hardrive - All the victim's skills are disabled for 24 hours and can be re-enabled afterwards for a 20AP cost because they have to re-install EVERYTHING
  • Microsoft Conference - The Microsoft Employee can go into any all and turn it into a Microsoft Conference for 20AP. The Conference goes for a week and you cannot find anything in the mall except for useless Microsoft-labelled trinkets including Mousepads (2% chance), foam balls (1% chance) and copies of older windows (50% chance). Those items canno be used for anything, and if you use the Windows in a Necrotech building, you get 50 error messages on your events log and you die. There's a 1% chance that during the convention, Bill Gates turns up, but only on the screens. If a surviour or zombie is at the Convention when Bill Gates is present, they die and turn into a Microsoft User because Gates puts out so many messages that the victim's head explodes...
    • Developers, Developers, Developers - If the Microsoft Employee attacks in a Microsoft Conference with this skill, the victim gets 35 messages on the events log that just say one word - Developers. This can be stacked with multiple attacks.

When a Microsoft Employee kills a survivour, they can get up and become a Microsoft User. They turn back into a surviour if they are killed, but stand up as a Microsoft User if killed again by a Microsoft Employee (Same happens to zombies upon death by a Microsoft Employee. Microsoft Users cannot attack other Microsoft Users). Microsoft Users look and behave like zombies except they can only search for Microsoft products in the Mall Tech Stores (the only stores they can search!). Microsoft users can give out complaints to Microsoft Employees, but there is a 90% chance of Microsoft not giving a shit and causing 50 error messages on your events box

That's about it really. Just remember, this is just a joke, apologies if I offend any Microsoft users (Hey I am one too you know)

Funny votes: This funny vote has committed a illegal operation and must be shut down. If you want to do a Mac user or a Firefox user, then go ahead, make a suggestion. Kaylee Hans 06:23, 5 January 2007 (UTC) I get the feeling you're gonna be sued for suggesting that.Cap'n Silly 16:12, 5 January 2007 I use both Linux and Firefox! You think though, would it not be that Necrotech would use the cheaper Linux if they were cheap?--Agent White W!SGPCMS-MetaCMS 15:57, 8 January 2007 (UTC) Some parts took a while to dredge through, but I still like it overall. --Reaper with no name TJ! 20:36, 9 January 2007 (UTC) Are you going to send a detailed error report to Microsoft? --MordredMalTel 18:25, 15 January 2007 (UTC) Hey all you UD players! Only today and only from here you can buy an absolutely NEW and STABLE version of Necrosoft Necronet Explorer for just USD 599.99! Hurry! The quantity is strictly limited! --L33tLV 05:43, 20 January 2007 (UTC) -- You forgot the Customer Service skill!--SporeSore 17:52, 29 January 2007 (UTC) "Microsoft Employee" and "Customer Service Skill" don't really go together, SporeSore, except in the sentence, "Microsoft employees do not have customer service skills." -Cutlet 08:40, 6 February 2007 (UTC) HAHAHAHAHA!!! Mattiator 05:02, 28 March 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes:

Class: Kevan

Type: New Class, duh.
Tally: +4

Urban Dead is generally assumed to be a non-religious game. I say “generally”, because there are a couple of huge exceptions. The first is the BARHAH religion that is so popular among the zombies of Malton. The other isn’t so much a religion as a religious figure (as he is prominent among both the followers of BARHAH and the normally non-religious survivors). This religious figure is, of course, the God of Malton, Kevan. None can deny the effects he has had on Malton, as he is the entire reason that it exists in the first place. Yet, despite the fact that anybody who’s anybody knows who Kevan is, you rarely ever see him directly exerting his influence upon Malton. Well, I say it’s about time Kevan started becoming a more visible figure in the struggle for Malton. This will be achieved by making him a playable starting class.

A new option will be added to the starting classes, labeled as “Kevan”. However, because Kevan is sorta like the highlander (There can be only one!), only he will be able to choose the Kevan class. Anyone other than Kevan who tries to select the Kevan class will instead end up with the “Kevan Impersonator” class (more on this in another suggestion, as diverting our attention from Kevan in a suggestion devoted to him would be a sacrililege).

Now, let’s see what skills Kevan gets.

  • God Mode: As is fitting for the creator, Kevan has an infinite amount of HP, AP, XP, IP hits, ammo, and inventory space. Of course, this is his starting skill.
  • Followers: Anyone designated as a “Follower” in Kevan’s contacts list (which can be infinitely long, by the way) may attack non-believers with crucifixes, doing 60 damage every time regardless of flak jacket at a 100% success rate without any ammunition necessary.
  • Control RNG: As we all know, the Random Number Generator isn’t truly random. Like all other things in UD, it bends to Kevan’s will. He has a 100% success rate for every action. Furthermore, he may also manipulate the RNG to return any value he wants for a given player’s action.
    • Anti-Zerg Measures: Zergers are bad. Not only are they refusing to play fair, but they are defying Kevan’s law. But Kevan is merciful, and willing to forgive if a zerger simply accepts the spirit of fair play into their heart. All zergers automaticallt have 0% attack and search rates without the need of RNG manipulation. And since Kevan is infallible, anyone he calls a zerger is classified as one for the purposes of this ability.
  • Accept Donations: Kevan may accept monetary offerings made by players.
    • Control IP Limit: Kevan controls all, including the number of IP hits allowed for a particular address. Offerings that please Kevan may result in the complete removal of IP restrictions for a given character. Offerings that do not please him (or none at all) may bring IP limits as low as -1!
  • Supply Crate Drop: When Kevan is feeling generous, he may so choose to drop supply crates containing whatever items he sees fit in whatever suburbs he wishes.
    • Crate of Smiting: Lightning bolts are out of style. So when Kevan is feeling vengeful, he may so choose to smite ungrateful heathens by dropping supply crates on their heads. The crate always hits the target, no matter where they are (holes left in ceilings due to indoor bombardments are instantly repaired in much the same fashion as the infinitely recyclable materials used in constructing barricades). The crate of smiting is also effective regardless of the target’s state (yes, even if they are idle or already dead). Those who have been smote by a supply crate lose all HP, AP, XP, skills, and items. They also take a headshot, get dumped outside, have their contacts list blanked, and max out on IP hits (even if the IP limits have been lifted). They would lose all functioning brain cells as well, except that they clearly didn’t have any to begin with if they were stupid enough to anger Kevan.
      • Banish to Oblivion: Just in case anyone is actually stupid enough to really piss Kevan off, he can forego the whole “crate-dropping” thing in favor of outright banishing the player to oblivion, locking the account behind them.
    • Holiday Events: Supply crate drops don’t have to be the only thing that happens on or around holidays. Kevan may temporarily introduce any game mechanics, items, or messages he wishes in order to provide a refreshing break from the gritty and terrifying unique and unmistakable atmosphere of UD.
  • Omniscience: Kevan knows all. Therefore, Kevan also has all skills, be they survivor or zombie.
  • Omni-Dimensional: Some say Kevan is everywhere, and they’re almost right; Kevan is anywhere he wants to be. It doesn’t matter if that place is the Blackmore Building, Holloms Auto Repair, both at once, or even a place outside of the map itself. If Kevan wants to be there, he’s there.
    • Border Control: Kevan can designate any block (outdoor part, indoor part, or both) as a “border area”. And just like the normal border areas, no one except Kevan may enter. Kevan is also the only person who can make the area transversible again, as he’s the only one allowed to even dare consider changing the map.
  • Implement Peer-Reviewed Suggestion: Kevan may implement any Peer-Reviewed Suggestion he sees fit. In the process, he will also make some suggestor out there very happy and help restore people’s faith in the idea that the suggestions page actually has a purpose.
    • Implement Undecided Suggestion: Sometimes the players don’t know what to think about a particular suggestion. Not so for Kevan. Implementing a suggestion they weren’t sure about is certain to help clarify things.
      • Implement Peer-Rejected Suggestion: As a general rule, people rarely know just what it is that they want. Even less often do they know what is good for them. But what they do know is that Kevan knows best. So even if they reject a suggestion that would improve the game, all Kevan has to do to make them see the suggestion’s greatness is implement it into the game. At that point all the nay-sayers will turn the other cheek and hail the suggestion as a great addition to the game.
    • Implement Unique Idea: Kevan’s creativity is not limited to that of his chosen peoples. Kevan may also implement changes that no one has thought of.
      • Rekindle Faith: Curiously, despite the fact that Kevan knows best, players are often much more supportive of additions that have come from a suggestion (even if they rejected it) than they are of those envisioned by Kevan. This is a clear sign of a lack of faith. Therefore, whenever Kevan implements a unique change, he has the option of rendering those not supportive of it unable to find any item other than crucifixes or enter any buildings besides churches and cathedrals. Ideally, the vast amounts of religious stuff will help to rekindle the lost player’s faith in Kevan; even if for no other reason than to get the penalties lifted.
  • Elastic Clause: Kevan is not limited to the abilities listed here. He may modify, remove, or add any ability he wishes, because he is Kevan.

Funny votes: What do you know, another really long humorous suggestion from me. Who saw that coming? Well, anyway, I figured that since Kevan does play the game, he deserves to have special powers. I mean, he is the supreme authority in Malton, you know. --Reaper with no name TJ! 17:56, 24 April 2007 (BST) Very, very funny.--Grigori 01:23, 25 April 2007 (BST) Another masterpiece of humor, Reaper :D --Specialist290 23:08, 25 April 2007 (BST)*bows to Kevan* --Darth LumisT! A! E! FU! U 01:24, 2 November 2007 (UTC) Proof that you don't need laser-bearing WTF centaurs to be overpowered. --Aeon17x
Unfunny votes:

Class: Kevan Impersonator

Type: Punishment for anyone who tries to impersonate Kevan
Tally: +3

Note: You may or may not want to read the suggestion below this one first, as it's related to this one.

For hundreds, maybe thousands of years humanity has been plagued by people claiming to be Gods. Well, these fakers aren't going to get away with it in Malton!

Anyone other than Kevan who attempts to choose the "Kevan" class will instead be given the "Kevan Impersonator" class. As far as the player knows, they will be the same as any other survivor or zombie. However, every other player will see them as "A Kevan Impersonator". This way, they will be easily targeted and griefed by the rest of us as punishment for trying to play God.

The skills a Kevan Impersonator can purchase will have the same names and descriptions as normal skills, but will have different effects. They will also each only cost 10 XP, as it will quickly become evident that we will want them to get these as quickly as possible as further punishment.

Kevan Impersonator Skills:

  • Kevan Impersonation: The Kevan Impersonator is seen as such by all other players. This is the starting skill and does not show up on the Kevan Impersonator's list of skills. However, it is always active.
  • Basic Firearms Training: Any successful firearms attack has a 50% chance of hitting the Kevan Impersonator instead of the target.
    • Pistol Training: -2.5% Accuracy with Pistol.
      • Advanced Pistol Training: Reloading Pistols costs 2 AP.
    • Shotgun Training: -2.5% Accuracy with Shotgun.
      • Advanced Shotgun Training: Reloading Shotguns costs 2 AP.
  • Hand-to-Hand Combat: Accuracy with all Melee Weapons except Axe and Knife are reduced by half.
    • Knife Combat: -10% accuracy with Knife.
    • Axe Proficiency: -5% with Axe.
  • Free Running: Cannot enter barricaded buildings.
  • Shopping: Has a 10% chance of auto-dropping any items found.
    • Bargain Hunting: -25% chance to find something in a mall.
  • Construction: Cannot close doors, repair ransacks, or dump bodies.
  • Tagging: Cannot use spray cans.
  • Body Building: -10 Max HP.
  • Radio Operation: Cannot use Radio Transmitters.
  • NecroTech Employment: Cannot enter Powered buildings.
    • Lab Experience: Cannot set up or fuel generators.
      • NecroNet Access: Radios, GPS Units, and Mobile Phones do not work for player.
  • Diagnosis: Cannot cure infections.
  • First Aid: First Aid Kits do not recover any HP.
    • Surgery: Beer and Wine do not recover any HP.
  • Headshot: Standing up after being killed costs +5 AP.
  • Scent Fear: Cannot see powered buildings on the map.
    • Scent Blood: Cannot see own HP.
    • Scent Trail: Sees all survivors as “a survivor”.
    • Scent Death: Cannot see dead bodies.
  • Digestion: Loses 4 HP for each bite attempt.
    • Infectious Bite: Loses additional 1 HP for each bite attempt.
  • Vigour Mortis: -10% accuracy for hand attacks; -5% accuracy for bite attacks.
    • Death Grip: -5% accuracy for hand attacks.
    • Neck Lurch: -1 damage for bite attacks.
    • Rend Flesh: -1 damage for hand attacks.
    • Tangling Grasp: Accuracy with all weapon attacks reduced by half.
    • Feeding Drag: When killed, is automatically dumped out of building (killer gets the dumping XP).
  • Memories of Life: Cannot wear a Flak Jacket.
    • Feeding Groan: Cannot hear groans or see flares.
    • Death Rattle: Cannot speak.
    • Flailing Gestures: Cannot see the profiles of others.
    • Ransack: Cannot enter unransacked buildings.
  • Lurching Gait: Each block movement costs +1 AP.
    • Ankle Grab: Standing up costs +5 AP (whether killed or revived).
  • Brain Rot: Standing up after revivification costs +5 AP.

Funny votes: This was originally going to be part of the "Class: Kevan" suggestion, but I decided that this would make it too long and didn't fit in with the suggestion's theme well enough. Hopefully, it stands well enough on it's own. --Reaper with no name TJ! 18:13, 24 April 2007 (BST) Another masterpiece of humor, Reaper :D --Specialist290 23:07, 25 April 2007 (BST) This is hilarious! -Mark D. Stroyer SoH 22:51, 27 April 2007 (BST) Woohoo! A class for punishment! --JudeMaverick 09:56, 14 May 2007 (BST) LOL, punishment for all! --Fippe 11:08, 20 May 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes: You just reversed all the skills. Where's the punchline? Why does everyone think it's funny?--Bluish wolf 06:51, 16 May 2007 (BST) Yeah, what he said. Kalir FTW! Z/S UD Potato Words 20:20, 18 June 2007 (BST)

Coffee Addict

Type: New Class
Tally: +1

Most people these days live off of coffee. I mean, how many times have you (or someone you know, just in case you happen to be one of those mutants created by the aliens codenamed M.O.R.N.I.N.G. P.E.O.P.L.E) woken up and felt like tiredly smashing everything around you, only to feel better once you had some coffee? Well, I think we should bring that dynamic to Malton. I mean, having what appears to be billions upon billions of guns, fire axes, first aid kits, and shotgun shells is one thing. But they've got to be running out of coffee by now.

So, I propose that new players be allowed to choose to play as Coffee Addicts. They will be like zombies in many respects. They will not be able to bypass any level of barricades, will be able to attack with their hands and teeth, will have trouble getting around quickly (2 AP per block movement), cannot use guns, will not be able to speak coherently (limited to pre-Death Rattle groans and growls), and will not turn into anything else upon standing up after death (which in this case is really more like falling back to sleep). Unlike zombies, hoever, Coffee Addicts will be unaffected by syringes and will be able to search buildings. However, they will only be able to find Coffee and Coffee Cups (5% and 20% odds, respectively). Only through the use of Coffee can a Coffee Addict rejoin the ranks of the productive and be a survivor again.

Coffee Addict Skills

Caffeine Addiction - As one might guess (assuming they have more brainpower than, say, a squirrel), Coffee Addicts are addicted to coffee. Coffee Addicts ignore most items when searching buildings and instead can only find Coffee and Coffee Cups. Of course, unless you were on a coffee break yourself until now, you would already know they could do that, demonstrating that this is their starting skill.

  • Longtime Caffeine Addiction - The Coffee Addict has been drinking coffee for as long as he can remember. As a result, he knows exactly where to look for coffee (and coffee cups). The search rates for both items are doubled.

Alarm Clock Prejudice - As we all know, Coffee Addicts hate alarm clocks. They will smash them at every opportunity. Unfortunately, their zeal often causes them to go a bit overboard and smash other machines as well. Coffee Addicts get +5% accuracy for all attacks against generators, radio transmitters, and anyone carrying one of the following items: radio, radio transmitter, mobile phone, portable generator, GPS unit, DNA extractor.

  • Hatred of Light - Coffee Addicts don't like bright lights early in the morning (read: anytime before 3 PM). The annoyance they suffer from this allows them to quickly pinpoint the sources of the infernal lights so that they can destroy them. Really, it's a lot like Scent Death for powered buildings, if you think about it.

Exceptional Grumpiness - The Coffee Addict is very grumpy when he doesn't get his coffee, you know. As a result, he gets +10% accuracy to all non-coffee-cup attacks.

HOT! HOT! HOT! - The Coffee Addict has spilled coffee on him/herself many times. Their skin has become hardened as a result, offering flak-jacket-like protection and a +1 damage bonus to hand attacks.

Flailing Arms - Coffee Addicts often get around by using their sense of touch, as it lets them travel without opening their eyes. Hand attacks gain +10% accuracy.

Stained Teeth - Drinking coffee for so long has stained the Coffee Addict's teeth a gruesome yellow. Now whenever they successfully bite a survivor, that survivor will automatically say either "Ew!", "Yuck!", "Gross!", or "Go brush your teeth, man!". In any case, it causes them to waste an AP.

Withdrawal - The Coffee Addict has been deprived of caffeine so long that he can now tear apart rooms that he knows don't have coffee out of desperation. The results are very similar to ransack.

Out of Filters!? - The Coffee Addict has run out of coffee filters. This makes him angry. Very angry. Thrown Coffee Cups gain +15% accuracy.

  • Stupid Coffee Pot!!! - The Coffee Addict's coffee pot is no longer working. Thrown Coffee Cups gain +20% accuracy.

Brewing Impatience - The Coffee Addict is getting tired of waiting for his coffee to brew. Coffee cup smacks gain +15% accuracy.

  • Coffee Ninja - This Coffee Addict has been trained in the deadly art of Cup-Ass! Coffee Cup smacks gain +15% accuracy.

Caffeine Resistance - The Coffee Addict has become so resistant to coffee that it no longer wakes him up, ensuring that he will never again be a normal survivor.

Coffee Addict Items

Coffee Cup: 3 damage and 15% base accuracy when used for smacking. When thrown, does 6 damage regardless of flak jacket at 25% accuracy.

Coffee: When used, the Coffee Addict is momentarily woken up enough to function as a normal survivor. However, if he or she does not drink coffee at least once every 24 hours (or is killed), they revert back to their previous state of crankiness. Also, there is a 20% chance that the coffee will turn out to be decaf, which as we all know, doesn't do jack squat.

Funny votes: Finally got around to moving the "test" suggestions people made for the new suggestions system to humorous. This is the one I made. --Reaper with no name TJ! 18:42, 9 May 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes:

Trenchcoater Class

Type: New Class
Tally: +3

Trenchcoaters comprise a significant portion of the UD player base. So to reflect that (and give the people what they want), I propose that we create a new starting class just for the Trenchies.

Syringes are like anathema for Trenchcoaters, so using them on living Trenchcoaters has a 50% chance of instantly killing them.

Trenchcoaters get to start off with a trenchcoat, a flak jacket, an AK-47 (empty), two MAC-11’s (both empty), a loaded shotgun, a loaded pistol, and a katana. They don’t start with any skills (or brain cells), but they can buy certain skills for 100 XP. As for the brain cells, they’re on their own.

Trenchcoaters may buy any survivor skills EXCEPT the following:

Radio Operation
NecroTech Employment
Lab Experience
NecroNet Access
First Aid

Trenchcoaters also get a few unique skills of their own:

Bad-Ass-ness: This Trenchcoater intimidates everyone they meet. Whenever a Trenchcoater enters a room, all non-Trenchcoaters there will receive the message “You have been intimidated by <insert player name here>” unless they have selected the “ignore Trenchcoater bullsh*t” option on their game settings.

Boast: Trenchcoater has a counter on their screen indicating how many zombies they have killed that day. Whenever another player says something, they can reply with “Yeah? Well I just killed <insert number here> zombies!”. This does not cost any AP, and is ignored by players who have selected the “Ignore Trenchcoater bullsh*t” option.

Automatic Weapons Training: Requires Basic Firearms Training. Increases Trenchcoater’s accuracy with MAC-11’s and AK-47’s by 15%.

  • Advanced Automatic Weapons Training: Increases Trenchcoater’s accuracy with MAC-11’s and AK-47’s by a further 15%.
  • John-Woo Style: The Trenchcoater may attempt to fire two MAC-11’s at once. This doubles the damage dealt and ammunition used. Unfortunately, since submachine guns aren’t meant to be used in this fashion, accuracy is reduced by 30%. Furthermore, the Trenchcoater will take 1 HP damage due to the strain on his hands. Finally, there will also be a 5% chance that the Trenchcoater will accidentally drop and lose both of his MAC-11’s.

Slight Katana Experience: Requires Hand to Hand Combat. After having actually held a katana for a while, the Trenchcoater now has a slightly better idea of how to use it. He gets +5% accuracy with it.

Disfiguring Scar: This Trenchcoater has a really ugly, disfiguring scar that miraculously does not interfere with their combat abilities. All other characters are at a -5% to hit against the Trenchcoater because they are repulsed by it’s ugliness.

Slight Intellect: This Trenchcoater has begun to realize that hey, maybe syringes and barricades are useful in some small way. Of course, they still don’t want to bother with them, but they’ll be slightly more appreciative of those who spend their time barricading and reviving. Syringes used on this Trenchcoater while he is alive now only have a 25% chance of instantly killing him.

  • True Intellect: This Trenchcoater has seen the light. He has realized that killing zombies outside is pointless, that barricades are the only way to stop zombies, and that reviving is essential to keeping survivors…well, surviving. Upon buying this skill the Trenchcoater loses all of his exclusive skills and items and becomes a regular UD player.

Trenchcoater Items:

Trenchcoat: Gives Trenchcoater twice the inventory of other players. Cannot be found in any location, but the Trenchcoater starts with it.

AK-47: 25 dmg, Base 15% accuracy, Max 70% accuracy, Holds 10 bursts (3 shots are fired with each attack). Found in Armouries at a .05% search rate, as no western country (or eastern, for that matter, as they stopped using these decades ago) would have a rifle as crappy as the AK-47 lying around except to point and laugh at. The weapon may or may not be gold plated.

AK-47 Magazine: Found in Armouries at a 1% search rate. Can be found only because the ammo for all the good weapons has long since been used up.

MAC-11: 20 dmg, Base 5% accuracy, Max 60% accuracy, Holds 8 bursts (4 shots are fired with each attack). Found in Cinemas at a 2% search rate, as Hollywood is practically the only party to ever actually use this weapon.

MAC-11 Magazine: Found in Mall Gun Stores at a 2% search rate, since there is almost no market for real MAC-11 magazines; only blanks.

Katana: Can be found in Museums at a 5% search rate. Unfortunately, because it is only meant for decoration, the edges have been blunted and it only does 2 damage. And since the Trenchcoater learned everything they know about Japanese sword-fighting from anime, their base accuracy with the katana is only 5% (Max 20%), as they have no clue what they’re doing.

Funny votes: Late night/early morning insomnia apparently equals inspiration. --Reaper with no name TJ! 19:28, 9 May 2007 (BST) Too bad the AK47 is a superior gun to the M-16 and the civilian models... It's like comparing something made out of steel with something made out of wet cardboard in durability...--SomethingsAwry 18:36, 10 May 2007 Re- Actually, they fixed the M-16's problems in the A1 model. Still wasn't quite as reliable as the AK-47, but reliable enough to make use of it's far superior firepower, accuracy, etc. Just ask the Vietcong; they used it every chance they got. --Reaper with no name TJ! 18:50, 14 May 2007 (BST) Applies to enough people. --Uncle Bill 12:13, 1 June 2007 (BST) You do all know that most people stop playing the game when they get bored of killing zombies... right??? Oh and the VC used em cos it was easier to take bullets of dead marines than ship em in from China!--Honestmistake 15:02, 21 July 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes:


Type: Class, Parody
Tally: +4

With all this death going on in Urban Dead, somebody has to investigate, right? Enter the CSI's! This new class of human will be able to figure out with cool yet-to-be-invented forensics technology exactly what happened (either the guy got his guts eaten by a zombie or blown out by a PKer), have an unrealistic conflict of interest relationship with a co-worker, and meet the killer in a dramatic confrontation where the CSI always puts a slug in the guy (this usually happens in Miami).

CSIs gain XP by lifting fingerprints and getting the results back (this generally takes about five seconds), flashing back to the crime with exact detail and knowledge of everything that happened, and displaying their character traits (ignoring what everybody says, neglecting your daughter, trying to ruin everybody's lives, etc.). The CSI's mission? To deal justice to criminals. To solve new crimes in new spin-off cities. To incorrectly portray the police's line of work and screw the minds of juries everywhere! CSI!!!

Each CSI can be divided into two classes:


  • Keep Your Nose in the Microscope: All Grissoms start with this skill. The Grissom is now so involved in his work that he gains double the XP that he normally would from being an all-knowing one-line-wisdom-spewing sage.
    • Workaholic: The Grissom is now extremely devoted to his work. He can notice extremely little things that no one else would that have a major connection to the case and solve it. The downside is that this Grisstom now no longer hears what any attractive female player says.
  • Follow the Evidence: Grissom can remind his fellow CSI's on what to do. Yeah, when you're a CSI, the LAST thing on your mind is to look for evidence, and you constantly need to be reminded. Grissom must earn a bunch of XP with this skill.
    • The Evidence Never Lies: No, really, Grissom? I never knew that! This addition to the Wise Sayings list earns XP, too.
  • Sleep with Your Co-Worker: This skill allows Grissom to pursue a relationship that will get thousands of players angry and Conrad Ecklie breathing down his neck.
  • Ant Farm: Despite having countless murder cases to solve, the Grissom must always take time caring for his ants.


  • Grissom Copycat: Basically, Horatio just tells everyone that the evidence doesn't lie, just like Grissom does. Only this time, HE'S IN MIAMI!!!! WOW!!! DIFFERENCE!!!!
  • Put a Slug in Him: This CSI uses deadly force on the criminal after every case he solves.

And where would a CSI be without criminals?


  • Stupid Left-His-Fingerprint-at-the-Crime-Scene Criminal: Nuff said.
  • Smart Serial Killer Criminal: After several murders, the CSI's find him, but he always escapes and commits suicide.


  • Never say anything to Grissom, he'll ignore you.
  • DON'T urinate in a toilet at a crime scene.
  • When you're working on boring forensics work, no dialogue will take place and upbeat pop music will play in the background. This is totally natural.
  • When you've got a naked body on the slab, always have her (never him) positioned so that only her butt is showing.
  • Show guts every moment possible.
  • Remember that you'll never have a simple "find the fingerprint and arrest the guy" case. Something will always get in the way.

Funny votes: Author Vote--Waluigi Freak 99 00:59, 20 May 2007 (BST) I'm a fan of the show, and this one's worth a chuckle or two :p --Specialist290 22:55, 20 May 2007 (BST) I'd made me laugh, I must admit. 'arm. 07:20, 22 July 2007 (BST) You forgot the non-stop drama, blood and gore of CSI: NY! It's probably the most realistic of all CSI shows!--Labine50 MHGMEMS 22:57, 25 August 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes:

Politely Ignored

Cheesemaker Skills

Type: New Class, new items
Tally: 0

Before the outbreaks, cheese was the food of choice in Malton. There were several cheeseshops in the malls and the Malton Cheesemakers were the best in the world. When the zombies first appeared the Cheesemakers put down their cheesemaking equipment, picked up several chunks of their finest cheese and best cheesewire and went out to help as best they could.

Cheesemakers start with the skill Fridge Raider Player gets a +10% chance of finding cheese in a building. They also get 3 pieces of cheese (more above) and a strand of cheesewire (more below).

Also in the skills tree is:

Quality Control- which gives them an extra 10% to hit with both mouldy cheese and a cheesebox

Expert Cutter- players cheesebox can hold an extra 2 chunks of cheese causing an extra 1 damage when box is used as a weapon.

Deadly Assassin- player gains to ability to strangle zombies with cheesewire causing 10damage once at 100% accuracy. After that one attack, cheesewire regains it original properties until a new target is attacked.

Stinky Cheese- player can make stink bombs from mouldy gorgonzola and use them to make all zombies in a block lose skills for one turn while they recover from the smell. Survivors in the area take one extra AP to leave as they extract bits of cheese from their ears and noses.

Cheesewire is used by a Cheesemaker to cut the cheese to the size a customer wants. It is also used by assassins to strangle their targets. Cheesewire- 'Base attack'= 2 damage at 20% accuracy, 'Deadly Assassin' attack= 10 damage at 100% accuracy once per target

In addition to their combat uses, cheese can have effects beneficial to the user. Anyone who eats a wheel of cheese would gain 10 hp back.

Funny votes:
Unfunny votes:


Ninja Centaur

Type: New Class
Tally: -4

This is a new class, available in zombie or survivor flavour.


  • Silent Hooves of Ultimate Shadow: This ninja centaur cannot be seen by anyone, and is so skilled in the dark arts that even the smell of it's horsey-poo is masked.
  • Arrow of Gunja Doom: When the enemy is hit by this poisonous arrow, anything they speak is translated into random lyrics from The Rolling Stones or Pink Floyd.
  • The Gallop of Burgundy: Should Ron Burgundy ever be struck, the Ninja Centaur will immediately gallop to his aid, crossing the intervening distance for free, destroying any buildings in it's path (they become wasteland) and arrive armed with a Trident of Death, galloping over the attackers head in the process (which acts as a double headshot).

Funny votes: The smell of it's "horsey-poo"? That's the only reason I'm voting funny. The rest of it is crap. --Reaper with no name TJ! 20:00, 30 April 2007 (BST)
Unfunny votes: Umm... what? Kaylee Hans 07:31, 19 October 2006 (BST) *Crickets.* -Mark 16:50, 19 October 2006 (BST) Nope.Waluigi Freak 99 01:26, 20 October 2006 (BST) GuesssWho 10:12, 28 December 2006 (UTC) WTF? . . . Not sure if this is funny or not, actually. () some1 forgot to put their sig on their comment (previous vote). Anyway I don't realy get this 1 its not funny in anyway, just plain... hmm... odd. That and the whole turning buildings into wastelands is a 'very' bad idea. And who is Ron Burgundy anyway??? --Matt 15:02, 14 February 2007 (UTC) Ron Burgandy is the leader of the C4NT. And this is a sucky suggestion. BoboTalkClown 18:13, 20 August 2007 (BST)


Type: New Class, Gameplay tweak, Stereotype
Tally: -1

As a person of Scots heritage, I think that it's a nation thoroughly under-represented in UD, hence some proposed changes. This would be determined by a new drop-down box upon character registration, choosing the player's country of origin. Entering "Scotland" into this would enable the following option on player setup.

Starting Class: Scotsman

  • Starting skills: Hand-to-Hand Combat
  • Starting Items: 5 bottles of whisky

Choosing the "Scotsman" starting class would enable access to a special skill tree in place of firearms:

Highland Fling (Gives player a further +10% to all HtH attacks)

  • Grudge (Player has a chip on their shoulder, grants +1 to all physical attacks against zombies, PKers and griefers)
  • Glaswegian (Player gets a new attack, Head-butt, doing 4 damage with 30% to hit)
    • Well-balanced Scotsman (Player has a chip on both shoulders, gives +2 to all physical attacks against zombies, PKers and griefers)

Incidentally, use of the attack granted by the Glaswegian skill would show the following flavour text to the recipient, at no extra AP cost to the attacker:

"Has yon mitha got a sooin masheen? Weel, Stitch this!"

Finally, I propose that players with the Scotsman class would have access to a new button in safehouses and structures where alcohol is available: Get Pished

  • Get Pished This function costs 1AP to use, and immediately removes all remaining AP, displaying the following message: "Numbed from your exertions in consuming alcohol, you pass out on the floor"

--Garrett Fisher 21:13, 11 November 2006 (UTC)

Funny votes: Aye! You fergot the kilts you wee piece of haggis! Yer need a kilt to be a Scotsman! Don't ferget me bagpipes! (Perhaps with the kilt, you do extra damage if someone calls it a skirt because you're so angry at them getting it wrong! Don't forget the haggis and the bagpipes) Kaylee Hans 06:23, 13 November 2006 (UTC)
Unfunny votes: Ya bam. --Funt Solo Scotland flag.JPG 14:28, 1 December 2006 (UTC) I'm partially Scottish, and while I don't find this offensive, I've heard better. I like to laugh at myself sometimes, and this didn't do it. --Zap 13:12, 13 December 2006 (UTC)

Evil Self-Centered Jerk

Type: character class
Tally: -2

You know that we have millions in real life, but now is the time to bring this evil peice of sludge into the modern age! All evil self-centered jerks start with a super storage unit, a compact little device that has infinite space in it to put everything the evil self-centered jerk finds, making their encumberance level at -100% at all times. They have their own skill tree, and start out with the "Mooch" skill. They also are unable to die, because true evil never dies. The evil self-centered jerk skill tree is as follows:

  • Mooch-Allows the evil self-centered jerk to mooch off survivors and zombies alike by sucking the XP, HP, and AP right out of them.
  • Clear House-When ever the ESCJ searches a building, every item a survivor finds in a search for that building will disappear, giving the flavour text, "You don't really matter, so we're giving this to the evil self-centered jerk."
  • Call In Air Support-Since the ESCJ wants everything to go his way, we are giving him the option to call in air support. Unfortunately, the air support is actually a nuke. But, since the ESCJ does not need intelligence to stay alive, they will inevitably press that big, bright red button that clearly says 'DO NOT PRESS'. When a nuke hits Malton, every survivor (except ESCJ) goes down to -50 on XP and HP, but AP just goes down to 0. The cost of standing up is 100 AP, making everyone have -100 AP that day.
    • Armaggedon-Sends an entire barrage of about 100 nukes, reducing AP for every one else in the game to -1000 each.
  • God Loves Me-Makes the ESCJ have infinite HP with a crucifix.
    • God Loves Me More-Gives the ESCJ infinite AP with a crucifix.
      • God Loves Me The Most-Gives the ESCJ infinit XP with a crucifix.
  • Yo Momma-The ESCJ now has the power to choose a yo momma joke from a drop-down list to say.
  • Unbearable-The ESCJ is so outright evil, he causes everyone (survivor or zombie) to commit suicide.

Funny votes:
Unfunny votes: Not that funny, just sounds like someone pissed you off so you decided to make a suggestion to vent.--Sipex 12:44, 11 April 2007 (EST) I don't really get it. You should have elaborated more on how their "evilness" relates to their inability to die and the other stuff. --Reaper with no name TJ! 21:44, 16 April 2007 (BST)

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