Lexicon:Blondes and brunettes
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- You are watching grainy and shaky footage apparently intended to become a documentary, filmed within the city border, as yet unedited. A young, blonde anchor woman comments in the foreground, her face and clothes dirty with black soot or bruises. The background is apparently a wide and empty city street, mostly dark, fires here and there.
ANCHOR WOMAN: Life in a quarantined city trapped with the walking dead changes people. While the average survivor's first impulse is to stay alive, perhaps even fight the undead scourge, this quickly becomes frustrating, as realisation settles in that zombies cannot be kept down. Many survivors find this so depressing they just can't be bothered to shamble over to the revive point yet one more time. And so they join the hordes, or lie down and are forgotten.
- The camera pans over the empty street. The camera operator attempts to zoom into what appears to be a sizeable group of slowly advancing human shapes, about a block away. This makes the video even shakier.
CAMERA OPERATOR: (unintelligible)
ANCHOR WOMAN: People who do overgrow this stage tend to question the reason of their existence. "Why?" they ask, and go around hoping to find a reason to keep on breathing. This is yet another expectation waiting to be dashed, as there really is no goal that can be achieved. It doesn't matter what you do, or how effective you become at doing it, it is always undone by zombies, eventually.
- The camera has focused back on the young woman, and now zooms out to show she is accompanied by a stocky, unshaven, round-faced older man, with a huge grin, wide open eyes, wearing a dirty lab coat and holding up an enormous blue syringe, which drips from the tip. He does seem to be completely out to lunch.
ANCHOR WOMAN: A very recent research paper by Dr Montgomery Blake seeks to revisit the issue of survivor motivation, by reducing it to it's essential components, and eventually develop effective psychological guidance for the troubled Malton inhabitants. How do you do, doctor?
DR MONTGOMERY BLAKE: Hello, Cindy <cough cough cough> Yes, love, indeed, we've been spending months around Lumber Mall, studying survivor behaviour. Our conclusion, as shown in the paper, is that the only way to keep a survivor sane and kicking zombies is keeping alive his or her faith of getting nookie.
ANCHOR WOMAN: I beg you pardon?
DR MONTGOMERY BLAKE: Yes yes, it's all about the sex, dear. <cough> The ultimate goal of survivors is to get laid. Indeed, a remarkable pick-up technique we've developed involves finding a zombie that would have been good looking when alive, and sticking a needle, like this one, precisely, in his or her spine. Like so... could please bend over, my sweet thing, so we can demonstrate to the audience?
ANCHOR WOMAN: ...
ANCHOR WOMAN: No.
DR MONTGOMERY BLAKE: Uh, right. Now how to discern a plausible date while he or she is zombified is a delicate subject discussed at length in the paper. Even if large chunks of <cough cough> body tissue appear to be missing, bear in mind that the regeneration process will restore them. When selecting candidates from the walking dead, it is irrelevant if the hunky zombie seems to be missing <cough cough cough> his nose, or the cute brunette has had one of her buttocks bitten off. What you do need to mind is whether your subject exhibits the proper zest and appreciation for life...
- At this point, the camera operator remembers to check on the advancing mob, which is so close the white of their eyes is discernible now. There's nothing but white in their eyes, of course. The camera operator urges them to finish the interview. Cindy has turned around, her eyes still unable to pierce the darkness. Dr Blake is checking her out; a tiny drop jumps out from his syringe.
DR MONTGOMERY BLAKE: ... you see, at the time the subject will be swaying slightly or, if you are very lucky, running towards you with claws extended, groaning loudly and aiming for your throat. This is a good sign! Because it...
CAMERA OPERATOR: Sod this get the fuck out...
- Video becomes a blur, there's screaming in the soundtrack, followed by static noise. The tape ends.
--Sophie ◆◆◆ CAPD 10:42, 23 October 2009 (BST)
Citations: Survivor Motivation. --
TCAPD(╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ 19:51, 31 October 2009 (UTC)
