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C4NT "Arrogant and Stupid" in Ridleybank

  • By Talunex

A senior Channel 4 News Team official has said that the C4NT has shown "arrogance and stupidity" in Ridleybank. The anonymous source has made the remarks during an interview with Talunex for the Malton Herald And Sun.

The C4NT says our source was quoted incorrectly - the Malton Herald And Sun experts say this senior official did indeed use those words. It comes after Ron Burgundy discussed changing tactics with top C4NT commanders to try to combat the unrest and subsequent beatings at the hand of the Ridleybank Resistance Front, Red Rum, The Feral Undead and the juggernaut known as ShackNews.

The senior source, a fluent zombese-speaker, who is director of public diplomacy in the C4NT'S Bureau of Central Malton Affairs, told the Malton Herald And Sun that the world was "witnessing failure in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole. That's not the failure of the C4NT alone, but it is a disaster for the region," he said. "I think there is great room for strong criticism, because without doubt, there was arrogance and stupidity by the by the C4NT and The Blackmore Bastard Brigade."

He also said that the C4NT was now willing to speak to any survivor group in an effort to reduce the bloodshed at the hands of the rejuvenated zombie hordes. "We are open to dialogue because we all know that, at the end of the day, the solution to the hell and the killings in Malton is linked to an effective Malton reconciliation. We must open dialogue to stop these maurading gangs of zombies before they're smashing our strongholds and ripping the flesh from our bones"

However, another C4NT spokesman Champ Kind said: "What he [name witheld] says is that it is not an accurate quote." Mr Kind also denied that the C4NT had been guilty of arrogance or stupidity saying that history would be the judge of C4NT actions in Ridleybank.

Mr Burgundy held a video conference on the new measures with top C4NT military commanders in Ackland Mall on Saturday against the backdrop of more survivor losses in Ridleybank and the surrounding suburbs - 7800 so far this month.

A new poll suggests two-thirds of Maltonians believe the C4NT is losing the war in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole, a proportion which analysts says could translate into a drubbing at the malls for Mr Burgundy's Channel 4 News Team in the upcoming 'Second Battle Of Blackmore.'

The Malton Herald And Sun's Murray Jay Suskind in Ridleybank says that while there is no official change in C4NT strategy, change is on everyone's lips.

But another report from the Zombie News Network (ZNN) stated that officials are drawing up a timetable for the C4NT to improve security. This has been denied by both Mr Burgundy C4NT officials.

On Sunday funerals were taking place for 17 people killed in an AU10 raid on Woodroffe Mall. Local survivor groups were quite vocal in their opinion that no exit strategy exists and that they've been abandoned by the Channel Four News Team in what appears to be their darkest hour.


By Exham

My name is Exham, and I've lived here in Malton all my life (and after). My memories of childhood are vague, but warming - a city that was safe, sunny, and friendly; a place to raise a family; a place where the people cared about community - and they always bring a tear to my one rotting, squishy eye. I remember peace on the streets of Malton.

Brothers and sisters, fellow Malton citizens, countrymen both warm-blooded and room-temperature, I am here to say that the fighting must end.

It's not the most popular stance in this city, but someone has to take it. Too long has Malton been a city at war with itself. One can hardly sleep here, either for fear of being attacked in the night, or simply because all the screaming is keeping you awake. Graffiti covers our once-pristine buildings. Life is a race for safe haven before the exertions of the day numb our clouded brains. Forget about living - we're too busy surviving. This town has gone to hell, and it's all because we can't learn to put aside our petty differences and make Malton whole.

This war has gotten out of hand, it's time to put a stop to it, and if the harmanz aren't going to do it, then I think I know who will. Ridleybank has long been an important battleground, both literally and in the civil rights movement. It was the birthplace of the Zombie Pride movement, and grew so quickly in its progressive ideals that it soon became a target, representing all that the more old-fashioned communities hated and feared. So synonymous with the progressive movement is Ridleybank, in fact, that it has even been dubbed the zombie "homeland." It has been the epicenter of the civil rights struggle in Malton since the beginning, and I think it only appropriate that Ridleybank be the community to step up to the plate and make the dream of peace come true.

Fellow Ridleys, we must serve as an example of what a truly great city Malton could be. If there is going to be peace in Malton, we cannot play the xenophobes, snubbing and repelling outsiders. We must go out of our way to extend our hands in brotherhood! We must break DOWN the barricades that separate us! We must EMBRACE the harmanz! I say we must embrace them, and share with them a great FEAST of brotherhood!

We must reach out and . . . touch somebody!

The Malton Peace Movement may be small now, but I have faith it will grow. To all zombies in Ridleybank who may see the truth in this message, let us show our solidarity! Let us gather at the Blackmore Building, our suburb's greatest symbol of diversity, and really reach out to the recent harman immigrants. Let's really make them feel like home, because who knows? Maybe if we do enough reaching out, we'll find that in the end, we're not that different after all.


Better Know an Enemy: Quartly Study Group

By Goolina

Ah, the fair city of Malton - home to zambahz and harmanz whose main goals are the eradication of one another. But wait! There's more to Malton than pitched battles between various groups. A lone candle of literacy and intelligent rhetoric has been lit in the besieged suburb of Roftwood, shining its light on all who hunger for more than blood or brainz in these trying times.

Overseeing this bastion of all thing literary is Sir Fred of Etruria, an affable librarian at the Quartly Library, as well as the leader of the Quartly Study Group. Beloved by harmanz and zambahz alike, the busy Sir Fred took the time to sit down with the Malton Herald & Sun for this exclusive interview.

Goolina: How did the Quartly Study Group get started, and what are their goals?

Sir Fred: At first the librarians were lost without cause. The friends I knew in life who'd entered the battle in Malton were divided and spread to the four corners. But in the center of this maelstrom of zombie activity, we found the Quartly library. At first the Quartly Library was a way-station, a meeting place, a safe-house out of the way. Fairly centrally located, and near enough honest resource points to make the library a very low priority target but guarantee nearby action... I was surprised a group wasn't based there already. Only after my friends told me that "we are the only lit building in the suburb" did I realize we had made Malton a little more intriguing.


Ready for some reading?

The goals of the Quartly Study Group are thus: To protect the Quartly library, QSG members, and the head librarian; to operate our revive point for friends, guests, and the little ones; to survive in unrealistic situations; to spread interest in great authors like Vonnegut; and to secure libraries, and should a library not be available a school or museum should suffice.

Goolina: I've heard of the Apocalypse Horde Slow Readers. Are you guys connected with them in any way?

Sir Fred: During a particularly nasty battle with the Apocalypse Horde, we were the last group to stay in Roftwood. After they'd driven all the other groups out, they had the troops to dedicate sixteen of their members to the continued assault of the Quartly Librarians. Mz. Tonin did coin the phrase the Apocalypse Horde Slow Readers Group, but we are not affiliated. We have vendetta.

Goolina: Seriously though...why librarians?

Sir Fred: Being fans of the zombie-survival and one-liners, we quickly realized a more 'role-play' oriented group was needed. The professions in Malton are combatants, healers, zombies, and the rare civilian. The civilian was embraced, fleshed out, and given a classy home in the Quartly Library.

Goolina: And it’s a classy home indeed. However, you’re not just shelving books all the time. What are some of the major battles the QSG has participated in?

Sir Fred: I first cut my teeth at the Bear-Pit II, but then after the glory of combat the Big Bash crushed all of us on July 19th/20th. Next we had the victorious operation “Roftwood is for Readers.” Upon securing our homestead, we took a trip over to Ridleybank, to the Blackmore NT. During the first week of the Blackmore Occupation, the Apocalypse Horde started attacking our home suburb. We were in sieges everywhere we went... We were buried by the Apocalypse Horde at home, overwhelmed by four times our numbers. Eventually we recruited the Rangers to clear our namesake. This period of occupation by the Apocalypse Horde was on and off for four months. Then when Blackmore II happened we were invited, but it was entirely someone else's conflict. When the zombies were finally freed from Blackmore II they celebrated by visiting Roftwood. The Library held against a horde that exceeded the three-to-one ratio... twenty zombies to the six librarians within. Since then we prefer to keep the battle-lines outside of our neighborhood - the recent pre-Christmas trip to Caiger mall, and the current crisis in Stanbury Village, for example.

Goolina: The Zombie lecture series has been pretty popular. Are there any particular zombies you'd like to have as guest speakers? If so, who are they and why?

Sir Fred: Other than any of the RRF papas? I guess people we've fought. I already saw Graaaaaargh walk through here once. That was a huge surprise. I think Brett Favre and Spooge McDuck are members of the RRF that I'd like to swap war stories with. But the guest who would probably give an intriguing lecture is BaronSamedi, a level 42 who logged in a year before I started!

Goolina: If you suddenly decided to leave the harman life behind, which group would you want to join? Or would you want to start your own horde?

Sir Fred: Oh, a lovely question. Zombie skills are aimed at getting zambahz of different races and creeds to work together. Of course, I would join the Ridleybank Resistance Front, but the true spirit of barhah is found in the hearts of the ferals who brought the cades down to quite-strongly. Barhah to the non-affiliated!

Goolina: There's been talk of wild parties and other scandalous happenings at Quartly, and rumor has it that Paris Hilton has been seen leaving the library at the wee hours. Care to comment on these sordid tales?

Sir Fred: I will confirm that we have had some sordid exchanges in the Quartly Library's large print annex, but the rumors about Paris are lies and slander. I think you had better apologize to her before she sues you for implying she was in a library! How un-trendy...

Goolina: What's on your recommended reading list for harmanz and for zombies?

Sir Fred: For humans I recommend a book that celebrates the strength of individualism over an ever-pervading social structure: We the Living, by Ayn Rand. And for the zombies, a tale of triumph over sole-crushing evil through trust and cooperation: Divine Invasion, by Phillip K. Dick.

Goolina: What does the future hold for the Quartly Study Group - and indeed for literacy - in Malton?

Sir Fred: Well, the zombie lecture series is ongoing. Just recently a brain-rotted zombie broke through our barricades to join the discussion. And we will continue to go on daring suicide missions. For example, we slept in the Accourt Library, in Ridleybank, on the night of Jan 4th. Otherwise, we will attempt to spread class to the rest of Malton, for we have discovered that class is the delivery mechanism for literacy.

Goolina: Final question - which leader is classier, Ron Burgundy or Papa Patrucio?

Sir Fred: Hey, I want to go drinking with both those guys. They exhibit class on many levels and always encourage people to make more of Malton for themselves. But I've seen Patrucio's humor and good nature with some of the younglings on his forum, it was quite classy.

Goolina: Right, so I'll put you down as saying Papa Patrucio is the classier leader. Thanks for your time, Sir Fred. As always, it's a pleasure.

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