RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0206right
Group 1 Razes Lumber and Joachim Malls
Group 2 Shatters Havercroft, Continues March Toward Chudleyton
"Mrh,Mrh,Mrh,Mrh," Say Jubilant Survivors
PENNY HEIGHTS,HAVERCROFT,EASTONWOOD - In a packed press conference Wednesday, Ridleybank Resistance Officials announced that the Lumber and Joachim Fortresses had fallen to Group 1, and that harman invaders were being driven out of Havercroft and Eastonwood by Group 2.
"Today, we mark a turning point in the war against harmanity," said RRF Warmaster Gorbonzo. "Joachim and Lumber, two staging bases for invading harman forces, have finally been shattered by Group 1 of the RRF. No longer will these two fortresses serve to harbor forces bent on the destruction of our simple way of life. Today, our forces march into Havercroft and Eastonwood, breaking through the weak harman lines on the Western Front. Today, the remaining survivors of Penny Heights and Havercroft join us in welcoming a return to barricade free buildings, a return to a brain based economy, and finally, a return to joyous squaredancing on the bones of our enemies."
Lumber Mall, a noted torture and zombie experimentation camp, fell to Group 1 in less than day, its occupation force quickly put to the claw. Joachim Mall, a suspected feral zombie brainwashing center and deathstick supply depot, fell three days later to the RRF following a two day siege. While details from the front are still sketchy, scattered reports from Joachim Mall indicate that Group 1 zombies were last seen in Tina's Tast-E-Freeze, squaredancing on the tables and drinking brain slushies. With the fall of the two Malls, RRF officials expect organized resistance in Penny Heights to collapse quickly.
"The reality is that harmanz, for some unknown reason, are addicted to searching for items in Malls," said Group 1 leader Father Phungus, holding a useless FAK kit in Joachim Mall. "Bullets, guns, GPS units, FAKs...who the hell uses these things? I can't even turn on this so called cell phone. Now that survivors are entering what we call "Mall withdraw," we expect the remaining area to fold quickly. Its sad really. I entered a bank today and saw a group of huddled survivors, shivering in the corner and mumbling something about their "mall item fix."
Group 1 in their "March to the Sea"
The liberation of the two malls concludes a nearly two week offensive by Group 1 on the Eastern Front. Following the defense of the homeland, Group 1 quickly moved through the barricade-torn and harman-devastated suburbs of Edgecombe, Crowbank, and Osmondville, leaving behind only rumors and a string of smashed safehouses. After shattering the dreams of survivor groups in Osmondville, the squaredancing band quickly smashed through the Tomkins, Rothwell and Shelley School in Penny Heights before turning its attention to the humans Malpractice Centers of Josephine and Odo.
"War is brutal, and the use of medicine, surgery, and other barbaric medical tools to treat wounded harmanz instead of relying on the gentle and loving massage of sharpened claws is the most brutal crime of all," said Phungus. "Josephine and Odo Hospitals were the worst. Never before I have seen such gross misdiagnosis of infectious bite. Typically, we treat infectious bites by having the humans run on a treadmill until succumbing to the liberating spector of death. I have never before seen so many unnecessary surgeries until I came to Penny Heights"
Group2, establishing homes and habitats for ferals during Operation "Habitat Against Harmanity
Following the announcement of victory at the malls, Gorbonzo quickly calmed the BARHAHing crowd before updating the situation on the Western Front.
"Equally as encouraging, Ridleys, is the success of Group 2 on the Western Front in bringing peace and habitats to feral zombies in wartorn Havercroft and Eastonwood," said Gorbonzo."These two suburbs, once known as centers of zombie culture, have recently become devastated by invading humans following the setback at 'The Mall That Shall Not Be Named.' As of today, we are pleased to announce that Group 2 has swept through Ketchelbank, Richmond Hills, and Havercroft on their way to Chudleyton.
Group 2, led by Father Barbecue, quickly smashed through the suburbs of Richmond Hills and Havercroft. Following the shattering of Club Bestall, Carle Street PD, St Francis Hospital, and the Laimbeer Building, Group 2 turned their attention toward peacekeeping efforts with Operation "Habitats Against Harmanity," a humanitarian effort centered around the creation of zombie safe havens in Western Malton.
"This is why we are here Group 2," said Father Barbecue, holding a small, feral child who had not seen the inside of a building in months. "Too long, have zombies wandered the streets in the rain and the snow. Too long, have the survivors west of Ridleybank enjoyed their posh and decadent safehouse lifestyle. We fight to bring hope, food and homes to ferals all over Malton. With "Habitats Against Harmanity," every zombie in Western Malton will have a place to call home."
With the construction of a network of zombie safe havens in Havercroft and the conclusion of "Habitats Against Harmanity," RRF Officials announced that Group 2 would continue their offensive along the Western Front, codenamed "Operation Warpath, aka Mr Feral Goes to Chudleyton."
"Celebrate your hard earned victories, Ridleys in Groups 1 and 2," said Gorbonzo.
"Malton is now a safer place because of your efforts. Celebrate, but remain vigilant. Harman spies are always watching."
