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RRF Offers Handy Tips For Coping With The Inevitable
by Marina
Zombies and survivors alike have taken notice of a surprising development in Malton: after falling steadily for months, the number of zombies has risen sharply in recent weeks. 46% of Malton's inhabitants are currently survivors while 54% are zombies. The rise in numbers apparently started when zombies learned how to drag their prey outdoors and how to refine their ransacking technique, making barricading harder. It is unknown whether these specific techniques are the major factor behind the rise, or if zombie morale has simply improved, but either way, survivors are faced with making major changes to their current tactics if they want to regain the upper hand.
Up until recently, Malton was becoming increasingly dangerous for its dwindling zombie population. "If you weren't lucky enough to be in a zombie-friendly area, you often had a pretty lousy time," one zombie commented recently. "We huddled together in groups, hoping to avoid that headshot, and the barricades went up faster than we could tear them down. But now we're stronger and more energized than ever. This marks the beginning of the zombie renaissance! Humans will remember what it means to fear, and we will forget those sad times of hunger and powerlessness."
RRF researchers say that the rise in numbers comes as no surprise. "Something like this was bound to happen, of course," reports one. "Zombies have always been more altruistic than humans, and with the new ability to drag bodies out of buildings, these natural tendencies have become even more pronounced. Older zombies take pride in their ability to provide for their younger and less experienced friends by weakening and delivering prey, and most groups have highly developed systems for raising young zombies, thus strengthening them and securing their dedication to the horde. Zombies understand that the horde is only as strong as its weakest member."
Survivors, on the other hand, seem to have abandoned the higher benevolent impulses in favor of base self-preservation, preying on each other or attempting outlandish suicide missions. "Many humans have an 'every man for himself' attitude," stated a RRF specialist in survivor culture. "For example, it's common to see wounded, desperate survivors lying miserably outside of buildings they are unable to enter while those responsible for their suffering hole up inside, oblivious to their pain. Another surprising development is the willingness of humans to prey on each other. In the early days of the outbreak, such a thing would have been unthinkable, yet now they've regressed to the point where it's common for them to slaughter each other on the flimsiest of pretexts, or even just for fun. Finally, many experienced survivors who really should know better expend their time and energy on foolish, hollow attacks on the zombie homeland. Not only are their efforts easily countered, but they serve to put other survivors in danger, for by giving the illusion of safety in dangerous areas, they attract less experienced survivors to the area. The experienced survivors know that sleeping in the buildings they barricade is foolhardy, but they don't even spraypaint warnings to those who come after them. Although their intention is to harass the zombie population, they only end up adding to it."
The RRF wants to aid survivors by making it easier to adjust to the new state of affairs. If you're a survivor, the odds are good that, like it or not, you'll spend some time as a zombie yourself. Your transformation may be as temporary as you can make it, or it may be of some duration, but in any case, you'll find it worthwhile to prepare for the inevitable. Enjoy three easy tips on how to make the transition from survivor to zombie, courtesy of the RRF:
1) Liven up your daily meal of spam or canned beans by foregoing utensils and eating with your hands.
2) Brush up on your Death Rattle. Most survivors have already mastered "Mrh?" but don't limit yourself to that. Try a few of the easier words -- "harman," "zambah," "banana." With practice, you can master the tricky ! sound, as in "bra!nz."
3) Try thinking like a zombie. Look around at the people in your safehouse: if you were a zombie, which one would look the most threatening? Which one would make for the easiest target? Be honest with yourself -- which one have you always wanted to slowly dismember?
Some survivors are taking a different tack, and trying to make their new zombie neighbors feel at home. "With all the knee-jerk anti-zombie prejudice out there, it's no wonder they're always trying to kill us," says a Mockridge Heights survivor. "Maybe we should bring some good old-fashioned hospitality back to Malton. People call zombies 'filthy' and 'evil,' but after all, so many of them used to be our friends and neighbors. Should they now be shunned for their unfortunate habit of brain eating?" The RRF is in complete agreement with this point of view, and offers three easy tips on how to get along with your new zombie neighbors:
1) Spraypaint clear directions to your safehouse so lonely zombies know where to go for some company.
2) Invite some zombies over to dinner. Although zombies generally prefer their meal alive, they're not above sampling human cuisine. For the main course, kill that trenchcoater no one likes and make him into a lovely casserole or a stew. (If you're squeamish about this step, your friendly local PKer group will be happy to assist you.) Go heavy on the salt and spices, as zombies prefer strong flavors.
3) Moving day is always a pain for zombies and humans alike; help your new neighbors by removing the barricades standing in their way.
Any survivors interested in skipping the formalities and getting right to being a zombie are invited to visit Dufferin Park in Ridleybank, which the RRF's Group H is maintaining as a devivification point. Drop your weapons (but keep your flak jacket!), wait in line, and a helpful Group H member will be with you shortly.
