RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text1206
New Heights in Trenchcoatery
- By Murray Jay Suskind
Across Malton there are survivors wielding usless Katanas, automatic rifles without ammo, scars too numerous to count, staring off into the distance and, of course, wearing trenchcoats. However, there is a sense of restlessness within Malton's trenchcoating community. It hasn't been as fun for them to ignore crumbling barricades and fellow survivors in need of a revive in order to shoot zombies outside -- no, there is a movement afoot to create a whole new generation of cliches for the benefit of future trenchcoaters.
"Well, some of the modifications we're attempting to implement are quite obvious," said Captain Rodgers 31. "For instance, camouflage. That's a really obvious thing for us to be wearing under our trenchcoats. Also, the cargo pants give us plenty of room to stuff the never-ending supply of shotguns we have because, of course, we carry nothing else."
However, some trenchcoaters have come up with quasi-creative ways of embarrassing themselves and making survivors look bad. "I'm not going to rest until every last zombie in Malton is dead," explains paulssj58902802843. "That's why I've taken up Falconry. Just imagine how scared those stupid-ass zeds are going to be when they see a Falcon swooping over their heads!"
Some ideas, are just lame extensions of already terrible ideas constantly advanced by the trenchcoaters of Malton. "I'm a ninja!" exclaimed Michaelangelo42. "I am a master of the Katana and can take a zombie's head off in one swift kick!" After our intrepid reporter vomited, Michaelangelo42 started another bout by saying, "I've also got a bunch of shirukens!"
When asked to explain the general phenomena of trenchcoating, Dr. Jennifer Miles of a local psychiatric hospital said, "Well, a lot of these people were around before the zombie apocalypse. They sat around in their basements playing computer games non-stop and fancied themselves to be total badasses. After the undead started walking, instead of contributing to survivor efforts in any meaningful way, they started carrying a bunch of ornamental weapons they had no idea how to use and just shot a bunch of zombies in the streets instead of protecting what the survivors had or taking back ransacked buildings."
Better Know a Strike Team -- The GMT Breakfast Club
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Oooooo-ooo-ooo-ooooo woah! Nothing like some cheesy eighties music to lighten the mood. That was, of course, "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds. That song is most famous for two things: 1) Being incredibly annoying. 2) Being the theme from a famous eighties movie. Which brings us to part three in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.
The GMT Breakfast Club: The Fightin' Club! Formed in late 2005 during the Battle for Caiger Mall, this crack unit of some of the RRF's finest and highest level zombahz have been busting barricades and eating brains ever since. The official roadies of the RRF, they have been organizing tours and groaning "GRAHH one, two, GRAHH one, two," throughout Malton. Perhaps their greatest claim to fame is the fact they have eaten over 2000 brains to this point.
Known for their cheery spirit and cake distribution (they know how to put on a fantastic breakfast), they are always sure to mention that the GMT in their name stands for "Good Morning Tasty" as brains are so tasty to eat in the morning. They are lead by the charismatic cross-dresser HairyJim.
We recently had a chance to sit down with a few members of the GMT Breakfast Club while on tour in Darvall Heights.
MH&S: The GMT Breakfast Club has zombified over 2000 harmanz during its run. What would you say makes the club such a fearsome harman killing machine?
HJ: Surprise, Fear and a dedicated group of core members.
MH&S: Has there ever been a team of harmanz who have posed even the slightest impediment to the success of the GMT Breakfast Club?
HJ: We pretty much steam roll everyone we target -- just ask the inhabitants of The Whatmore Building for a recent example of a very successful GMT campaign; 100+ to 10~ inhabitants in under a fortnight. It's not the harmans that are the impediment it's the stuff they pile in front of their doors...
MH&S: Is there any connection between your group and the John Hughes film "The Breakfast Club?" Would you say that you're more like Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy or Molly Ringwald?
HJ: Well there is only one connection with us and the film and that is Molly Ringwald stole my wardrobe and she copies everything I wear. Other than that no. We would however like to meet them and have a nibble on Molly.
MH&S: Do you have any advise to the younger zombies and strike teams out there aspiring to GMT Breakfast Club status?
HJ: IRC is good. Harmanz are bad. Say that several times a day and well you are welcome on board. "Themes" and variety keep the troops entertained as well (check out our wiki page for some examples).
MH&S: What kind of brain goes best with a nice cup of Earl Gray and scones?
HJ: There is no clear answer to this, each of us have our own preference.
Mardigan: A soft, spreadable one that's rich in XP and contains generous chunks of Headshot.
Distinguished: A warm one.
Bundolo: Well, I have to disagree with Mardi on this one. I mean, the bergamot in Earl Gray has a strong aroma to it, so it needs something strong to go with it. I'd definitely choose a dark brain rich with flavour and sarcasm - such as that of an ULC member. By the way, my personal favourite for those long sieges is a strong Oolong tea. It really keeps your bowels working when you need to eat more than two survivors a day. Remember kids: keep those small intestines working when you need to just pass it through, but savour the feeling of a Gingerbread Man.
MH&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?
HJ: Now only I can answer this question since i have shook hands with the "big man" personally, wihtout pants! See this video: Meeting the GREAT Pappa Petro.
MH&S: Truly an inspirational video.
When asked to rebut these charges, Rodgers said, "Whatever. The zombies are totally scared when I come walking up to them. Just check out this blood spattered shirt and these grime-covered combat boots."
