Shacknews Resistance
| Shacknews Resistance | |
| |
| Abbreviation: | SNR |
| Group Numbers: | <30 |
| Leadership: | The Federal Republic of Threads |
| Goals: | Hershey's Chocolate |
| Recruitment Policy: | Shacknews members only, pulse required |
| Contact: | Faculty of Zombology |
The Shacknews Resistance was started after some of the more curious Shackers noticed there were a few zombies stumbling around. Now this isn't really such an unusual occurrence considering the general love of all things undead, so no one really thought much of it..at least, until a few days later when the infamous Shackhype virus had scourged the ranks of human survivors, leaving only a few brave souls to defend against the lurching masses of reanimated flesh. We now follow a man, a man who wields his monsterous Hershey candy bar, dispensing both zombie death and succulent chocolate.
Historical Context
Following the unholy uprising of many Shacknews members to the ranks of the undead, those few members still sporting a pulse decided the formation of a coalition to combat these minions would be a wise undertaking. After some informal discussion surrounding the use of 'resistance' in the organization name, the Shacknews Resistance was formed. Initial logos were submitted and distributed in order to entice new recruits to join the ranks, as well as intimidate enemy forces.
As of September 26, 2006, Resistance members are dispersed throughout Malton and attempting to form a tighter network of operations through various tactics.
Shacknews Zombie Horde
As you may have surmised by now, the Shacknews Resistance is primarily concerned with the rather disturbing zombification of Shacknews. This horde of unruly lamp loving brain eaters must first be understood before any exceptionally violent reconciliation can be forced upon them. Thus we will leverage the immense cerebral powers of the Shacknews Resistance to provide you the very best in Shacknews Zombie Horde hearsay, speculation and wild accusations.
Zombological Analysis
Brainivorous Law
The Brainivorous Law is the governing law for all zombie related analysis with which the Shacknews Resistance is concerned. The following axioms are the foundation for all scientific lab and field work on the subject. Resistance scientists take the utmost precautions in drawing their conclusions and consider the following as quintessential to their fields of study.
- First Axiom
- For any given Shacknews Horde member, the entirety of their behavioural process may be inferred from the set A={lamp, sand, lime, brain}.
- Second Axiom
- If B⊂A, C⊂A and D⊂A (where B≠C≠D) are in zombological equilibrium, then B, C and D provide a basis for the zombological space.
- Third Axiom
- The trivial solution to any zombological analysis is the Appleflappen vector.
Popoluation Growth: Determining Rates of Infestation
October 8, 2006 (00:13) Resident Zombologist ieGod
Intellegence agents are reporting that the Horde numbers can be estimated to be in the range of 150. My research indicates that the earliest mention of a zombie infestation within the Shack community can be traced back to August of 2005. It is, in my opinion, not unreasonable to surmise very low numbers of the Shack undead at such a time. Unfortunately, our resistance efforts have only recently been put into effect and a population rate or study of infestation rates are unavailable for further analysis. I would however, like to put forward the following mathematical model as a predictor for infestation rates within the community:
This particular function is at its core a normal distribution, as we would expect a peak value at a particular point in time, followed by a waning trend. The location in time of this particular peak value is determined by the fanboy function γ(t), which depends largely on the current industry gaming cycle. We would expect such things as console launches, gaming conventions, and major game distributions "going gold" to severely influence this function. The population rate function is also influenced by an additional non-linear component: the oscillatory-hype function h(t). This function, of varying frequency, is largely dependent on the particular hype coefficients associated with any discrete posting interval. This phenomenon has been observed for many years within the Shack, and are often categorized by two major news postings occurring early in the morning and again late in the evening.
An interesting property of this curve is that multiple maximum and minimum values may be obtained depending on the additional non-linear functions. My hope with putting this forward is to serve as a starting point for attempting to coordinate and prepare for future outbreaks.
Case Studies
December 18, 2006 (22:45) Resident Zombologist Kentor
As many of you have already heard, the time of the Shacknews Resistance is over, my people are leaving these suburbs. Who will you look to when we've gone? The PTT? They hide in their malls seeking riches -- they care nothing for the troubles of others. But enough of these vile matters, I come here with news which will effect all of mankind: I sort of lost a bit of Dark Neutronic Feynmanium (DNF)... not much mind you, and it wasn't really my fault, I just can't seem to recall where I left it.
Oh I know what you're thinking: DNF is a "theoretical element that has never been observed in the wild." Yes, I did say that some weeks ago, however, the mighty brains here at the Faculty of Zombology have solved the many perplexing mysteries behind this element and managed replicated 0.628mg of the substance. For security reasons, we would move those precious 0.628mg of DNF every few days and it just happens that I was in possession of the container when the Shacknews Zombie Horde attacked Giddings Mall. Of course the Faculty of Zombology rushed forth to study the zombies in great detail and that's... well, I don't really recall what happened to the container.
None the less, you can be certain that SNR is doing everything within it's powers to locate and retrieve those 0.628mg of DNF and not declaring the substance lost and retreating from the suburbs for fear of some impending zompocalypse or otherwise unpredictable mayhem that would most likely occur if zombies should ever obtain even the most minute sample of DNF.
November 10, 2006 (21:31) Resident Zombologist Kentor
After a mere two weeks of siege, the supposedly impervious Caiger Mall has fallen, and fallen in the most conclusive of ways. Not one human still breaths in the crowded halls of Caiger, yet even now hundreds of lamp lusting brain eaters pour through Caiger's doors. I must conclude that the former residents of Caiger did not pay any heed to the bountiful harvest of succulent Zombological research reproduced here on this very page, or heed any of the many scientific portents of utter defeat strewn along the path to Caiger. Yet how could they not know of their impending doom? Even old man Burgundy, with his half empty bottle and impeccable hair knew.
But enough, we would like to announce that the Faculty of Zombology has two zombologists on the ground at right now in the region of Caiger. For the past two weeks, these two intrepid souls have risked even apple tinged death to bring you, the fearless of Malton, the very best in Zombological research. Unfortunately Resident Zombologist ieGod and myself were unable to attend this momentous expedition due to prior commitments, but rest assured our men and women on the ground did the best their feeble inferior brains would allowed.
We are still conducting our analysis, but the early results seem clear: the Shacknews Zombie Horde is a nomadic horde. In constant search of anything that will fulfill their terrible Brainivorous lusts, the Horde stumbles through Malton shambling to the door of anything that might satiate them never to stop for long. The most recent accounts have discovered what we believe to be a second more complex solution to zombological analysis: the DNF vector.
It is our belief that the Horde will seek out any location possibly housing Dark Neutronic Feynmanium (DNF), which is a purely theoretical element that has never been observed in the wild. Over a decade ago, it was hypothesized that DNF was a highly unstable element that could only exist in a constant state of flux. It remains a mystery how the Horde detects possible DNF locations and whether DNF can even be produced.
October 15, 2006 (22:31) Resident Zombologist ieGod
Intelligence reports are making the rounds regarding the Horde's latest feast at Ackland. As predicted by our prestigious colleagues, the Horde shows tendencies towards evolutionary and innovative tactics all derivable from the Brainivorous Law.
From first principles, we see the exquisite use of lime in two ways. First as a tool for attack, and second as a sort of pheromone marker for other Horde members. A hostile Shack zombie will squirt their limes most liberally into the eyes of their victims. As they writhe in pain and confusion, the lime has a chance to marinate the juicy cranial network within, which stimulates nearby Shacknews olfactory senses increasing the space-zombology density. This is indeed a startling discovery and has sparked enthusiasm within our Faculty laboratories. It is predicted that such tactics could only be conceived of the extreme voracious tendencies exuded by Comrade Maarten.
Additionally, there is growing momentum in support of the cloaking lamp theory, which states that as the implications of Shacknews activity in Malton increase, the ability to track and ascertain strikes diminishes. This inverse proportionality is merely a classic example of the Shacknews hive mind approach to battle tactics.
October 15, 2006 (17:36) Resident Zombologist Kentor
It has been a few days since Nichols Mall, and ultimately The Blackmore Building, fell. It is merely water under the utterly crushed egos of the Blackmore Bastard Brigade's devastating defeat. Now I know you're all thinking, "Dr. Kentor what can we buxom scantily clad 21 year old female survivors who hang off your every word and ever so slight movements learn from these exceptional events that might very well have been an experiment, but obviously can't be since they were conducted by a zombie horde?" Well, I'm glad you asked.
We here at the Faculty of Zombology at SNR have discovered that the Shacknews Zombie Horde is vastly more intelligent and single minded than many originally believed. Of course I was not surprised, but many of you might have been. The Shacknews Zombie Horde acts as a single entity with precise and detailed knowledge of each and every zombie no matter where they shamble. If you stray to close to one of these foul creatures of the dark abyss of the human soul, each and every Shacknews zombie will experience same event instantaneously. Absolutely phenomenal wouldn't you agree?
"But Dr. Kentor, even with your astoundingly big brain, how did you discover such a thing?" you might be asking yourself. It's rather quite simple. I died several days ago when a passing female zombie was completely smitten by my stunning good looks who then attempted to ravish me, which resulted in my untimely yet fortunate death. Yes, I became a zombie and experienced first hand the collective super consciousness of the horde. If we ignore some of the more,lets say carnal lusts of the horde, we are left with a single mind that thinks of nothing, but Comrade Maarten and his immense experience with limes.
Due to this collective mind, the Shacknews Zombie Horde moves with a speed unknown to any of its kin. They move and strike as one brain lusting lamp wearing appelflappen eating machine. Subsequently, any attempt to segregate the horde, or address the horde on a zombie to zombie basis, will but utterly ineffectual.
Further analysis is pending.
October 3, 2006 (12:00) Resident Zombologist Kentor
Disturbing reports are now flooding in of the Shacknews Zombie Horde having assaulted the Pole Mall in West Grayside. The shear force of our meticulous scientific methodologies have yet again triumphed against all adversity, and our many theories of horde brain lust have been confirmed. This zombologist salutes all those valiant souls at Pole Mall who gallantly gave their lives for the sake of zombology. This tragic yet wonderful experiment was the first validation our tenuous brainivorous theory of zombology. Yes, this celebrated event reinforces our near rock solid theories. That's right, it's just another drop in the vast ocean of experimental evidence supporting our widely accepted Brainivorous Law.
However, this most recent slouching raid has demonstrated far greater organization than the Shacknews Resistance anticipated. It was our assumption that brainivorous zombies would simply flock towards wherever brains may congregate, forming a haphazard orgy of brain, rare lighting implements, and squeezed limes. No, these naive views have no place in our new exciting world of zombology. I would suggest we view these raids as more of an assembly line. Zombies line up in an orderly fashion, which for a zombie really isn't that orderly at all, then proceeds to sequentially beat the living hell out of any brain containers within arms reach. Typically this so called "hell beating" is facilitated by the use of the hands and teeth.
I would strongly recommend that all brain containers stay well outside of arms reach of all brainivorous zombies.
October 3, 2006 (03:25) Resident Zombologist Kentor
By carefully examining all the available facts and deliberating for weeks upon the situation at hand, it is the opinion of the Shacknews Resistance that the Shacknews Zombie Horde is not only after lamps, sand and limes, but also brains. The shambling horde first groaned their way towards various Necrotech facilities, police stations and even libraries in what we first believed was a haphazard search for lamps, but after the sudden disappearance of the horde from Kempsterbank we came to understand the horde's primary goal is brains.
In all the recorded horde incidents we find two common threads: lamps and brains. Now Kempsterbank is host to a variety of survivor groups with a cornucopia of lighting implements. We have library reading lamps, office desk lamps, reception lamps, end table lamps, those handmade IKEA lamps with the rough woven exteriors or nice light paper covers in both floor standing and table sizes, decorative lamps... you know the ones with those wonderful floral patterns? Ah yes, those are excellent. Returning to the subject at hand, Kempsterbank may have an incredible wealth of the most precious lamps, but a fortunate lack of sufficient human population. Why did the Shacknews horde suddenly leave the region? It was certainly not from a lack of precious precious lamps, but rather from a lack of succulent human brains.
| Resident Zombologist ieGod |
|---|
| There is some contention among resistance members as to the answer to this question, but a common theme is definitely cranial capacities. Recent observations also suggest a preference for such craniums with a dash of sand, and soaked in the proper amount of lime. |
It is unknown where the Shacknews Zombie Horde currently shambles, but you can be certain it is somewhere near brains... and possibly lamps... and probably sand and limes as well.
Rumours and Speculation
Rumours originating from West Grayside indicate that the Shacknews horde may also be attracted to the words "Maarten" and "Appelflappen". This was witnessed recently at The Copeland Building and the Pole Mall, where a practical joker spraypainted the words "Maarten's house of Appelflappen" and "Maarten's mall of Appelflappen" on the side of the buildings accordingly. Within minutes, the horde descended upon these locations and laid waste to the buildings and the many human survivors within. It is clear that these simple words attract the horde like a magnet. It is unknown what they mean, however many of the survivors recalled the advancing zombie horde murmering "Maaaarten ... Maaaarten ..." before fleeing in terror. Perhaps the horde is seeking Maarten, believing that he is a leader, a saviour, a God, that will guide them to the promised lands of succulent human brains? No such connection can be made on the word "Appelflappen", which is not found in any English dictionary.
In light of this disturbing information, all Shacknews Resistance members are advised to exercise extreme caution around buildings and the surrounding areas where the words "Maarten" and "Appelflappen" have been written. Immediate evacuation to safer areas and suburbs while flailing arms in the air and screaming like a little girl is also strongly recommended.
