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Watch your back, we are coming for you, make no doubt about it. You can kill us as much as you want but we will come back, again and again. BTW I like your new message for us, am I that much the celebrity that I get the center of the magazine cover. -- PhoenixwolfPR

Malton Murder Awards Nominees

MMA.JPG Malton Murder Award Nominee
This User or Group has been nominated by the general populace for engaging with in the murderous ways of Malton. Be sure to vote here for your choice by 23.00 GMT on the 15th!

Best Group: The Heathers

Best Single Attack (Group): The Heathers v. FedCom President

Good Luck! --Karloth Vois RR 00:55, 14 March 2007 (UTC)

I soooo love you guys! --Jenn Thrush 22:42, 15 March 2007 (UTC)

Whats up ladies, just wanted to welcome you to the lovely confines of Santlerville. If there's anything the Angels of Mercy can do to make you feel more welcome just let us know. Aom 22:03, 1 April 2007 (BST)


Grafitti removed by FOD. --Hibernaculum 18:20, 8 November 2007 (UTC)

I just wanted to congratulate you snassy girls on your work with Sgt. Jenkins. It's always fun to watch somone go totally ballistic when they're in your grip. Very stylish! Love -  Karth  FoD 15:02, 16 December 2007 (UTC)


I just love it when a good plan comes together--Severuuk 19:00, 12 November 2007 (UTC)

Interview Request from Devourer of Worlds of the BBC!

Yeah, I know it's a longshot but I'd like to do an interview with one of 'the heathers'. If interested, please contact me here:


Regards -Devourer of Worlds 18:42, 1 December 2007 (UTC)

The Forgotten

Hello friends,

Have a problem need fixing? Want REAL justice? NEED your rightful vengeance? We can help! Someone unfairly griefing you? Been Pk'd once too often and want payback? Being hounded by the law? We can help! Seasoned PK'ers Ex-Flowers of Disease, experts at tracking and killing can help solve your problems! Now accepting all kinds of contracts for those in need!
The Forgotten are here. Just thought I would let you know. --Roland


Word on the street is that every member of your group is in fact,male! Holy shi...nevermind,who the hell am I kidding. I'm not surprised at all. When you guys want a real fight let me know, until then make sure to lay down some cardboard or something during your circle jerk sessions,or shit will get messy.

-S.A.R.G. —The preceding unsigned comment was added by TexasXdooM (talkcontribs) at an unknown time.

oh hai thar! --Banana reads Scoundrell for all of Yesterday's News, Today! 17:20, 7 July 2008 (BST)
How's that postop coming along? Whores.--MARSHMALLOWLOL 20:29, 13 October 2009 (BST)

The Great Suburb Group Massacre

Stop hand.png Group Active? Request.
In order to maintain the wiki as an up to date source of information groups are occasionally removed from the Suburb pages when they are no longer active. Is this group still active? If so simply confirm here by writing something below. If not it will be removed from suburb pages in 14 days.

Currently the suburb in question is Whittenside but one response to this query will be all that is needed to protect your group link on all suburb pages. I know this is a random request but its for all groups regardless of size. Thank you.--RosslessnessWant a Location Image? 19:00, 14 July 2008 (BST)

Stop hand.png Group Inactive?
No reply has been recieved as to whether this group is still active. The 14 days have passed and as such the groups link has been removed from suburb listings. If the group is again active please feel free to revert these changes

--RosslessnessWant a Location Image? 10:24, 29 July 2008 (BST)

We shop. Therefore, we live. --Heather 17:28, 18 August 2008 (BST)

From the Desk of Albert Schwan

In reference to your group’s actions I leave this sole reply and reproduce what I believe the cause for the offense. I realize that you state that contacts on this page will not be acknowledged; this suits me as I know you will read it and do not wish a reply. Yesterday, when asked to a dance by a member of your group, I declined, she responded with vandalism for which I graciously did not reprise her. She repeated this vandalism whereupon I remarked “I suppose there is no rational explanation for teen angst.” And was promptly killed for it by one of what I am told are called your “manslaves”.

Now that we understand the “offence” I would offer that my actions in no way violate civility. I was within my rights to refuse. My comment, far from being an insult, is an accurate assessment of the situation. Angst, defined as an unwarranted feeling of anxiety or apprehension covers the realm of perceived slights. The actions of your group member were clearly not rational, and should you claim that they were, I would challenge the quality of your reason. As to the term teen angst, should teen be inaccurate, for that at least I do apologize though I have heard that women are often flattered by misinterpretations of their age that ere towards youth.

That said, where do we go from here? I realize that you are a greifing organization and that attacks like the one that happened today are not likely to stop. I feel though that I may need to clear up something first. My organization is devoted to studying the rot virus. By extension, many of us are not opposed to walking among the undead from time to time; it gives us a chance to appreciate the scenery and practice our Zamgrh. If you feel the need to kill me, you will always know where to find me, which brings me to my final point.

In the interest of full disclosure I will here outline how I will deal with this situation in which we now find ourselves. I here speak only for myself as my group is composed of like minded individuals who are fully free and able to speak and act for themselves should they wish to do so. Your group is no longer welcome at Colglough and I will do my part to remove you should I find you there. Beyond this, I will not hunt you nor provoke others to do so. Your actions have made your group an object of study, so I will catalogue and publish your membership for further examination whensoere I find them. In the interest of public safety, I will report any and all attacks to the proper authorities. Just as I will not pursue you, I will not hide. Should you feel the need to kill me, do so; I will use the opportunity to study what passes for mortality in Malton more fully and will publish the name of the minion who commits the act. Neither will I surrender, as you seem so fond of asking others to do, as I do not believe we are at war. You are a greifing group identical to many others in all areas but methodology and grammar, I have therefore merely accepted the actions that are sure to follow as another of the costs of doing business in Whittenside. Beyond this, I bear you no malice, wish only the best for you and your in you pursuits, and will not further contact you. Should you wish to discuss this matter or any other with me you may do so at Colglough under banner of peace.

Yours in science,

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  23:31, 6 May 2010 (BST)

The Whittenside database of behavioral anomolies

(A note to the Heathers: I realize that I claimed I would not contact you again, and I want to make it clear that, with the exception of this note, I am here posting this information not to you but about you. Since you also have breached protocol by responding to my last post (a thing which you claim you absolutely will not do) in game, I feel that my small trespass against my word gained by writing this note, will be forgiven by the readers of this page. To them, I commit the following information. To you ladies…adieu)

Readers of this page, the group page you are perusing will not give you very useful information on this group or its members. This group has however become the subject of our cientific sudy on behavioral anomalies in the Whittenside area. Should you wish to know more about their membership or methodology, please view the link in the title of this post. Should you wish to discuss this group with me in game, I can usually be found at the Colglough building in human or zambah form. According to this group, I am “the Boss” of that building.

Yours in science,

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  22:36, 11 May 2010 (BST)

Congratulations on your new taunt

Alright, I confess, it is very hard to resist posting here. Despite your talk to the hand logo it is clear that you do read these. Accordingly, I wanted to congratulate you on your new taunt involving a storefront for my new textile line. While in poor taste, it was actually cleaver and noticeably less tacky than the previous form letters. I am gratified to see that you are finally taking this greifing you are putting my group through seriously. I would also like to thank you for shopping with Schwan industries. Be sure to keep an eye out in coming days as I am currently working on a leather product that you may find of use. I noticed the saddles on your manslaves were getting a little worn. The first 10 customers will get a free Diva model revivification syringe sleeve In short, I still find your group trite, your narcissism wholly without basis in fact (honestly, did you notice that some of your core members are wearing torn and bloodstained clothing? Check the profiles if you do not believe me), and your motiveless violence troubling. But I am flattered by the amount of time and effort you are devoting to me.

Yours in science,

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  22:39, 16 May 2010 (BST)

Just a few pointers

Perhaps I spoke too soon in my last post. I have recently been made aware of banner that you posted portraying me as Henry Kissinger, selling Trioxin laced Chinese food. While previous posts have contained base and sophomoric humor, you have finally reached beyond the level of Larry the Cable Guy and his ilk into something approaching effective satire. If this is what it took to up your game, I am only sorry that you did not attack my group earlier. This post was relevant, witty, and well designed. I confess, I saved a copy. With taunting like this--were it not for your unfortunate method of delivering them which compromises the survivor effort in Whittenside as a whole--I could eventually even come to respect your group. What is more, If you were able to explain the creation and characteristics of a product like this without using the abbreviation OMG, I would even be inclined to offer one or two of you a job with Colglough industries in the product design department.

This is to say I am glad you are taking my suggestions to heart. Next I suggest you set your mind to improving the quality of your manslaves. Their design and interaction is now the most tacky part of your operation. I realize that your group is based around an ‘80s reference, (incidentally, you do know that the hero of that film was Veronica do you not?) and while that fact may be inescapable at this point, there is no reason to compound bad taste with characters like Johnny Lawrence. While trendy because of the remake, his overall affect detracts substantially from your organizational aims. Gay Fedcom President is an effigy of a defeated group and compromises what dignity you have. El Blanco Negro, Wasp biter (presumably some relation to dirk biter) and deathslap, are nonsensical at best and ridiculous at worst. Many of the others have no personality whatsoever. Dr. Munoz bears special attention as he claims to be from MU (my alma mater) but I would point out, MU requires special classes in avoiding domination by outside influence as part of their GE program; therefore, unless it is your intent to grief the Miskatonic University as well, it may be time to let him go as he is a bad conversationalist as well as a bad student. The only winner you have is Rikki Tikki Tavi who shows ingenuity. In short ladies, a group is defined by the quality of its help. If you continue to put more thought into your griefing and find a better class of manslaves you may at length begin to earn your place among the classy citizens of Malton.

Yours in science,

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  23:48, 18 May 2010 (BST)

P.S. Comparing notes with some of my group members we have discovered that one of your more recent form letters repeates a previous one in its postscript. You may want to keep an eye on that.

You are getting better

I received your newest magazine and wanted to let you know that I noticed the absence of Henry Kissinger, thank you for that. I also wanted to let you know that in my recent assassination by Youthinasia I noticed he spoke in an almost witty fashion. The most intriguing part is that you seem to have written me a poem. Rhyming couplets, half rhymes, lack of metaphor… a simple poem lacking great sophistication, but I do appreciate that you are trying. For poetry tips, try talking to the FU, their group poem, while still intentionally crude in character, is a work of art stylistically. Oh yes, and lest I forget, Munoz is still a disappointment.

Yours in science,

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  04:38, 22 May 2010 (BST)

Study Complete

We at the D.S.R&D would like to thank you for the opportunity to study your group. Today marks one month since your hostile actions against us began, and on this day we completed our research. We would further like to thank you for your cooperation in this matter and the efficient way in which you responded to the experimental stimulus we provided on this page. Below you will find code for a certificate of study that links to our findings. Should you find inaccuracy in this report, please feel free to contact us, as though the report is concluded, we are still willing to work with you to correct any inaccuracies in the name of ethical investigative technique.

Phrenology.jpg Study Subject
This certifies that The Heathers have been the subject of a completed study conducted by by The D.S.R&D

Yours in science,

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  07:26, 5 June 2010 (BST)

& the rest of the D.S.R&D Team

Heather ran off too quickly

Heather Lovecraft and I just had an interesting session of "yell your ideas as quickly as you can and run off" in the Wicksted building. She departed before I could enter my final response. I reproduce it here for your benefit.

"Suit yourself, it is good tea. I await your next manslave. And talking to me is not what you have done Heather, you have created a situation in which we talked at each other. I would like it to be known that I tried while you just put in an appearance."

I do appreciate the attempt and it was quite entertaining for the rest of the building.

Untill next time,

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  01:14, 8 August 2010 (BST)

I've read up a bit of Heather Lovecraft's banter with Shwanny about his accusations of Heather zerging (as far as the RG reports cover it), and feel the need to intercept.
This time, Shwanny isn't _completely_ off-track as there are indeed three Heathers zerg-listed
However, as you can see in the evidence they were solely added for the similarity in name, by someone who probably doesn't know that similar names are part of the Heathers' style. There's no more weight behind the claim than behind FedCom Prez' olde mad ramblings based solely on the similar names, as they don't prove that the Heathers are run by the same player. It can't even be used to show that they are close in activity stack, as there are just 4 harmanz inside the building - and there's even a non-Heather inbetween them in the stack, making that claim even more ridiculous.
This is just FYI, as I doubt that the Heathers will go through the ZL Removal Procedure. (It would require them to reveal their IP adresses to the Resens mods, possibly also revealing who else they are in UD.) -- Spiderzed 19:30, 8 August 2010 (BST)
I would remind those who are familiar with this conflict that we did not mention anything about the heathers being zergs in our original report. Their assassination tactics and social interaction are suspicious but not conclusive. Also suspicious are the 26 designated Heathers and 16 known manslaves who remain mostly inactive but become active in observable intervals. That modification was made when they started using the zerg street-spies to gather intelligence. Those were easily traced to the Heathers by the activity surrounding their arrival and by the way some of them were used to carry Heather messages. These characters, some of whom have links on our page on this subject (linked to previously on this page), constitute multi-player abuse. The entries on the zerg liste, which I assume were suspected for the name similarity and verified through other means, are an added point but not the crux of the argument. My message on this page said nothing of this accusation as, though I find the Heathers repugnant by the way they drag others into their petty little game thereby attempting to ruin the Malton experience, it was not my intention to clutter their talk page with such arguments (I try to clutter their talk page with more flavorful text). I have an already cluttered page for such things and I would appreciate it if my accusations were disputed on the page on which they occur in future so as to allow them to appear in context. I mean this in no mean-spirited or reprimanding way but merely as a suggestion to facilitate greater understanding of the issue at hand.
--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  01:39, 9 August 2010 (BST)

Munoz just inspired me.

I have created a new product as part of my novelty line that was inspired by you. I thought you might be interested to know that, despite your best efforts, you are improving the community.

--Albert Schwan Albert Schwan  03:38, 20 August 2010 (BST)

A Rat's Nest

One hundred Survivors pile into Ridleybank. Their goal? To hold Blackmore. Within 5 days their grunts are dead, and their leaders have fled.
Now they claim victory. But they have been found guilty of Treason against the Living.

Everything is proceeding exactly as I have foreseen.

--DTPraise KnowledgePK 22:17, 8 November 2012 (UTC)