Talk:RRF/Malton Herald & Sun

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Contents 1 Necrotech and Zombies Unlimited Press Release 2 Wire Service 3 Archives 4 News In Brief 5 Unlifestyles 5.1 New Heights in Trenchcoatery 5.2 Trend Watch 5.3 Veal Brainz: Cruel Practice or Nice Meal? 5.4 Zombah Love 5.5 Mistakes Were Made! 6 Excursion II: Son of Excursion 7 RRF Anthem 8 24 Hours of Pure Barhah 9 Ridleybank Special Olympics Commence 10 Group 0 Changing Hands 11 Sweet Zombie Dreams 12 Harmanz Take One Building, Claim Victory 13 Zombie Looks to Win Congressional Race 14 C4NT "Arrogant and Stupid" in Ridleybank 15 Better Know A Horde 16 Better Know A Papa 17 Better Know a Strike Team 18 Better Know an Ally 19 Better Know an Enemy 19.1 Quartly Study Group 19.2 USSR 20 Herald & Sun Editorial 21 Opinion 21.1 Letter From the Editor 21.2 Good mmmmmmmmmmorning Ridleybank! 22 Classifieds 23 Barhah History Month 23.1 The Formation of the Ridleybank Resistance Front 23.2 The First Recruit 23.3 The Horde Grows 24 Templates for all

[edit] Necrotech and Zombies Unlimited Press Release

As of April 1, 2007, Necrotech has initiated testing of a new "zombie socialization promoting pheromone". This scent attractant is particularly effective against the "young" zombies who have only been dead a short while. The pheromone causes those susceptible to gather in large, docile groups, where they are no danger to nearby survivors. The pheromone has a limited range (about as far as a zombie can travel in a day) and Necrotech has limited supplies and production capacity, though we are looking for ways to produce more.

As of May 1, 2007, Necrotech is proud to announce it's new partnership with Zombies Unlimited, initiated in an attempt to improve conditions for the survivors of the zombie outbreak in Malton. We will be providing this new technology free of charge to Zombies Unlimited, paying all production expenses out of our own pocket and forgoing any licensing fees. In exchange, Zombies Unlimited will (among other tasks) fly, land, and maintain drones planes, using them to emplace and maintain pheromone dispensers at certain key points in the city, in an effort to draw otherwise potentially dangerous predators to those areas and pacify them. The fact that this activity allows our employees (and hence the company and its properties) to benefit by studying a fairly "tame" mass of zombies is, of course, no sway on Necrotech's altruism. Designated target points for this effort are:

• Train Boulevard [76,74]
• Novell Walk [76,25]
• Doswell Lane [24,76]
• Silley Park [24,25]

[edit] Wire Service

The Malton Associated Press, a (relatively) unbiased wire service serving the Malton area, has begun operations. Feel free to reprint stories. --Halocakes 22:41, 20 October 2006 (BST)

• Update: For your convenience, a template has also been created that will place a list of the top headlines on your page. Insert {{MAP Current Top News Headlines}} in your wiki, and the most up-to-date headlines will be fed to your page. --Halocakes 16:40, 21 October 2006 (BST)

[edit] Archives

• Below are the archives of past issues. Please limit the discussion to above this point. Thank you.

[edit] News In Brief

Excursion Destroys SW Malton

• The RRF's Excursion has laid a path of destruction across Southwest Malton not seen in this area of town since the Big Bash. In a short period of time, the RRF has destroyed Marven Mall, South Blythville, Wykewood, Nixbank, Ruddlebank, Thompson Mall and Lockettside. While the elusive tanning bed has escaped the RRF, the horde has enjoyed Orange Juliuses in Marven Mall, ate Murray Jay's friends in Nixbank, ate the Fake RRF and saw a sneaky bastard in a C4NT van driving away from Thompson Mall to the Southeast....

GMT Breakfast Club Wins Special Olympics

• It has, in fact, been so long since the last edition of the paper came out that we at the Malton Herald & Sun never got to tell you about the thrilling conclusion of the Ridleybank Special Olympics. After going back and forth for much of the month, the GMT Breakfast Club and Auxunit 10 raced down the wire, each group killing hundreds of harmanz throughout the month. However, as the Olympics came to a close, the GMT BC was victorious. When asked to comment about the victory, GMTer Pookie Romero commented, "Of course we won. We're quite good at killing people."

Mall Tour Rolls

• After being held up at Stickling Mall for over a month, Mall Tour '07 has been chewing up malls and spitting them out in recent months. Recent victims include Dowdney Mall and Treweeke Mall. Right now the Mall Tour is in the process of destroying Giddings Mall. While their next target is classified information, there have been rumors swirling of the Mall Tour and the Excursion meeting at some point....

Militant Order of Barhah Forms

• A new horde has arisen under the guidance of Jorm and the Barhah Brigade. The new Militant Order of Barhah has formed under the doctrine of Radical Barhah Fundamentalism. These fundies completely reject any revivification even for death culting and feel that a zombie is corrupt unless it owns Brain Rot. While their stances may seem controversial, no one can doubt the efficiency of this new horde as it has destroyed much of Northeast Malton in the last month.

The United Front of Zombie Propaganda

• The United Front of Zombie Propaganda has formed as a means of countering vociferous harman misinformation about zombies. Current participants include the Ridleybank Resistance Front, the Eastonwood Ferals and the Minions of the Apocalypse. All zombie groups are welcome to join the UNZP and proudly post their work.

Special Olympics Update

• In a stunning upset, RRF legend Papa Petro was defeated in the Pantless Exercises category by Gore Corps upstart Heiki. While many zombies debated whether Heiki's use of ping pong balls was acceptable under the rules of competition, Papa Petro put the event behind him by crushing the field in the Squaredancing Competition. Also, the Packers won the Intramural Football event, sweeping their way past Group H's vaulted defense; Brett Favre was the game's MVP. Several zombies were heard joking that the only championship the Packers could win this year would be against opponents that weren't living.
• In the all-important group competition, Auxunit 10 and The GMT Breakfast Club have pulled away from the rest of the competition. At the time of publication AU10 had just taken a one point lead on the GMT's, 99-98.

Group 0 Descends on South Blythville

• In an ambitious attack, Deathbymoshpit has lead the depleted population of the Group 0 horde into South Blythville and Marven Mall. While Mr. Moshpit has acknowledge that Group 0 is facing an uphill battle, he maintains that the horde shall grow and the harmanz of Southern Malton shall make an excellent meal.

Nichols Ransacked for Millionth Time

• Gore Corps member Stray Zombie became the lucky winner of the Nichol's Mall "One Millionth Ransacker" contest. As he smashed through display cases and overturned fake plastic trees Ed McMahon and a camera crew showed up to give him his prize. Unfortunately Mr. Zombie did not get his award, as he ate Mr. McMahon before he was presented with the award.

Red Guards Eat Zombie Chicken

• Beloved Gore Corps mascot Zombie Chicken disappeared early Tuesday morning only to have his bones found -- picked clean -- in the Red Guards' HQ. Theories as to why the Red Guards did such a thing range from a Lo Mein noodle surplus to an attempt to intimidate the Gore Corps for the Special Olympics. Red Guard King Romero I, though, offered a different explanation: "Dude, we're zombies, not college students. We don't just eat the same thing every day. Besides, we couldn't find Zombie Dauchsund."

Ruskies, Drago Occupy "Security Zone"

• With the CMS and PTT both recently crumbling at the hands of zombies in Malton, the survivors have been looking for a new great hope. That hope may have come in the form of the USSR. While little is known about the group, they are every bit as annoying as either the PTT or the CMS and... they have Ivan Drago on their side. In a recent interview Mr. Drago told the Malton Herald & Sun, "You will lose... I cannot be defeated. No man can defeat me. I will fight real champion. If he dies, he dies... I must break you... To the end."

GMT Breakfast Club Takes Early Lead

• With the Ridleybank Special Olympics underway (see below), the GMT Breakfast Club has jumped out to a quick lead in the team competition. There's still a long way to go before the team competition is over, and even the Malton Herald & Sun newsroom has been the seen of continuous smack talk between Executive Editor Murray Jay Suskind and Staff Writer Goolina.

Ridleybank Cub Scouts Formed

• For those with a taste for brainz after work (or for those across the pond, before bedtime), the Ridleybank Cub Scouts just may be the strike team for you. Please submit all applications along with a bonewood derby racer to zosoxzepplinzfreak on the RRF Forums.

Shacknews Set to Retire

• The juggernaut known as Shacknews is officially retiring from UrbanDead. In a period of just over two months, Shacknews lead the charge against the Blackmore Building, Barhah Mall, Stickling Mall and Giddings Mall amongst many other harman enclaves. With the most powerful of survivor strongholds all smashed and ranshacked, the horde had nothing left to prove and has moved onto Nexus War. We here at the Malton Herald & Sun, and everyone at the RRF wishes them the best of luck.

Giddings Falls

• In the send-off party of the year, Shacknews and many other zombies (including the RRF) ranshacked one final target: The Giddings Mall. The battle was brief and saw a reappearance and another disappearance of the PTT. The brain buffet was massive and zombahz from all around Malton took part in the excellent sampling. However, there were some complaints of some of the brains tasting the exact same...

Barhah Mall Still Filled With Barhah

• Over a month and a half ago, Barhah Mall fell. Today, it still stands smashed and ransacked. The efforts of the CRF have managed to keep the Dunell Hills Police Department, Caiger Mall Survivors, Channel 4 News Team, Malton Rangers and others at bay. Could the site of the most miraculous of survivor stands become the home to another, equally amazing zombie stand?

Other News Sources

• The RRF is always open to other news sources, even ones that do not adequately cover the triumphs of the RRF due to unfounded perceptions of bias. Because of that, we have posted the Malton Associated Press headlines below.

Shearbank Renamed Shackbank

• In a brief ceremony at Stickling Mall, representatives of the RRF, Shacknews, The Big Bash, Eastonwood Ferals, and The Minions of the Apocalypse officially renamed the suburb once known as "Shearbank," Shackbank. Members of the PTT were also present, dirt napping after having their brainz eaten.

Stickling Mall Ransacked

• Ding dong! The PTT's gone, the PTT's dead, the wicked PTT. Ding Dong! The PTT is deaaaad!

Mr. Whippey Tastes Gooooood

• A contingent of ferals, RRF squads and the Shacknews horde have taken the Whippey Building in Shearbank, a critical Necrotech facility adjacent to Stickling Mall. With other Necrotech buildings being further away and hundreds of zombies smashing against the barricades daily, it's only a matter of time before Stickling Mall, and the PTT, the self confessed defenders of Shearbank, are undermined. Zombie morale in the area is reported to be high, but then when is it not? BARHAH!

Mascot Stolen

• Unit pride and esprit de corps took a turn for the absurd on Friday, December 08, when the RRF Group H strike team, Auxunit 10, kidnapped the zombified mascot of Group 2(currently serving under the combined banner of the RRF’s Group 0), Pickles the Elephant. The inter-unit prank was spearheaded by Auxunit 10 member, pyromonkey, in order to add the putrefying pachyderm to the strike team’s already considerable menagerie of zombie-animal mascots. Immediately after his successful kidnapping, Pickles joined AU10 in their assault of the Nisbet building in southern Shearbank, apparently assaulting the harman barricades with great gusto. It remains to be seen whether Pickles will remain with his new caretakers or if the Group 0 strike teams will offer a counter to AU10’s jovial assault, inevitably plunging the RFF’s many units into a costly war of Mutually Assured Distraction (it is reported that the Gore Corps zombie chicken is already under extra guard, due to the Red Guards' desire to make Cashew Chicken brainz).

And The Blackmore Building is Toast! Again

• With great heroism on both sides the Second Battle Over Blackmore is over the building is smashed and the party has begun. One particularly religious meal wrote "If there is a god, he has no power in Ridleybank..." on the wall before swan diving into the horde

• This reporter managed to get in only hours ago but even then the situation was deeply hopeless, a growing number of 100 zombies vs a paltry shrinking 50, atlast the strain was to much, the final survivors, broken men, laid down their guns and were overtaken. The Malton Herald & Sun was on hand to hear a statment by Tenebrys who was heard to exclaim:

• "No, there's no use in fleeing, I'll just stay here, I can't take it any longer!" Cockroaches every one of us, cockroaches! We have no place fighting them, only in hiding from them. I only wish my bretheren had understood they never did they kept coming back here! Now, we are crushed once more! I can't take it any longer! I'm not going to take it any longer!! This time, I'm never going back, I'm never going to be human again, I've... lost my faith in humanity! All of you here, those who still draw breath, I say this to you: All ye survivors, serve your god well if he ever decides to call our souls to him as he once did, he'll honor you. Until then, I offer my flesh to the hordes"

• Tenebrys died shortly thereafter

Shacknews Levels Yagoton

• Shacknews, the shining young zombie group that has taken Malton by storm, completely leveled Yagoton this week. Included amongst the ransacked ruins of the suburb were Bale Mall and the Yagoton Revivification Clinic. The latest intel indicates that Shacknews has moved onto Shearbank to take on arguably the most powerful survivor stronghold left in the city. It remains to be seen whether the PTT and company can hold out longer than Barhah Mall did.

Barhah Mall Still Ransacked

• The efforts of the CRF and other ferals have left the Barhah Mall in a state of ransack for over two weeks. What was once the survivors' greatest beacon of harmanity is now nothing but smoldering ruins, occupied by only zombies. It truly is a beautiful sight to behold.

Caiger Resistance Front Formed

• In the aftermath of the stunning collapse of Barhah Mall, a new zombie horde has formed, dedicated to keeping Barhah Mall out of harman hands. Formed largely from RRF alts, Rezzens members, Brainstock Members and Big Bash members, the Caiger Resistance Front is rapidly becoming a zombie horde in Malton on par with the RRF and even the massively destructive Shacknews horde. Formed by the striking Fidel Castro (who bears a striking resemblance to Papa Sonny), the CRF shall make sure that the Barhah Mall stays the Barhah Mall.

Game Stats in Balance, Survivors Throw Shitfit

• With the revitalization of the RRF, sweeping success of Shacknews and the rise of the new CRF, a truly remarkable event is about to take place... actual game balance in UrbanDead.

• This has not sat well with harmanz. "Come on! 50-50 balance between zombies and humans! That's not fair at all!" Exclaimed one distraught harman.

• "If things keep going like this, there has to be a survivor walkout," explained a trenchcoater. "I mean, an even battle? That's just disgraceful."

Red Guards Threaten PTT For No Real Reason

• Chairman Suskind of the Red Guards (Full Disclosure: This is the same Suskind that runs the Malton Herald & Sun) recently made some bold, saber rattling comments to the PTT. "Shearbank is rightly a part of greater Ridleybank. In fact, we do not officially acknowledge the existence of Shearbank. Any harmanz claiming that our land across the straights of Roachtown is a seperate suburb called 'Shearbank' will be re-educated in a most brutal fashion." While the comments are quite bold, analysts say they stem from a Maoist's natural rivalry with anything from Taiwan. The Red Guards are currently in Ridleybank and appear not to be making any serious moves to Shearbank.

Zombie Shot Twice in Head, Gets Mad

• Bruno Tattaglia, a zombie shambling around the Blackmore Building, flew into a rage earlier today when he was headshot twice in one day. "Damnit! Now I have to stand up twice!" shouted Tattaglia. "I mean, I'm only gonna be able to attack with 38 ap tomorrow." When asked to describe his assailants, he simply said, "Uh... they were wearing trenchcoats. And one of them was carrying a sword for some reason."

Caiger Ransacked

• In a building with infinitely more real worth and infinitely more symbolic value than the Blackmore Building ever will be, the harmanz have suffered perhaps their greatest defeat. Last night the Caiger Mall was ransacked due largely to the efforts of the Shacknews horde, but also due to considerable help from area ferals and a small RRF presense. In celebration there has been extensive partying, square dancing, BARHAH! and Appleflappin... whatever that is.

Caiger Re-Christened

• In a brief cerimony on Friday morning attended by massive numbers of the Shacknews horde and various ferals, the RRF officially re-christened the Caiger Mall, Barhah Mall. The name is fitting, as this its fall exemplifies the single greatest moment of Barhah in Urban Dead history.

Ridleybank Attacked

• Harman insurgents attacked bases and zombese offices in Ridleybank, in central Malton, and then dispersed throughout the city, reports say.

• Heavily-armed insurgents fired shotguns, pistols and distress flares from the buildings and then briefly occupied several main buildings, residents told the Malton Herald and Sun. Ridleybank has been a zambah stronghold since the early outbreaks.

• AU10 spokeswoman Strike Commander Elizabeth Vignelli told the Malton Sun & Herald that the militants had simply fired a hand held distress flare at a joint RRF/Feral Undead observation post at 0930 (0630 GMT). "As of 1400 (1100 GMT), there were no signs of any significant insurgent activity anywhere in the city. The surrounding buildings have been barricaded and the harmanz are free running back to their one defensive structure." SC Vignelli accused the militants of exaggerating the scale of the attack. "They're claiming that they have liberated Ridleybank! They're all holed up in one Necrotech facility! This is clearly a sign of how desperate insurgents have become."

• With the sound of feeding groans echoing around the suburb, coupled with the sounds of small arms fire, the skirmishes appear to be dying down. "You only have to look at the sheer number of Comrades policing the streets to see how far their 'liberation' has actually got."

Blackmore Building Renamed "Green Zone"

• At a short dedication ceremony on Wednesday, a number of harmanz triumphantly renamed the Blackmore Building the Green Zone. "This is our bastion of freedom in Ridleybank," said one survivor. "We have liberated this land." The occupiers of the Green Zone have been completely unable to secure the rest of the land they claim to have liberated, being subject to frequent, devastating attacks everywhere else in Ridleybank. "At least the Green Zone is secure... except for the occasional attack," confided another survivor.

ZK'ers Continue to Waste AP

• Earlier this afternoon, undead residents of the Blackmore building and surrounding area noticed a suspicious zombie lurking around the premises, attacking other zombies and leaving them critically injured. The RRF constabulatory has tracked down the identity of this asailant through blood and tissue samples left at the scene. Thier name is One Angry Zed. When the constabulatory arrived at his last known whereabouts, he was nowhere to be seen. Be advised, this is one angry zed, and will attack without provocation. Members are instructed to use keep extreme caution when this zombie is spotted.

New Strike Team Formed

• There has been an increasing presence of Maoist Red Guards in Ridleybank, striking in the early afternoon, GMT (morning in the States). They are noted for their ideological devotion and their ever-present copies of the Little Book of Barhah! The Malton Herald & Sun will continue to watch this team's development.

Barhahween Costume Contest Winners Announced

• The RRF is proud to announce the following winners of the first ever Barhahween Costume Contest.
• First Prize goes to the Herald & Sun's own Exham for his "French Maid"
• Second Prize goes to Pyromonkey for his truly scary "Michael Jackson"
• Third Prize goes to the Herald & Sun's own Murray Jay Suskind for his "Giant Centipede Trenchcoater Voodoo Doll"

ZK'ers Waste AP in Blackmore

• Recently harman (or harman sympathetic groups) have started sending ZK'ers into Ridleybank, particularly, the Blackmore Building. Some of these ZK'ers seem to have odd group affiliations as well. Their numbers include the BBB, the US Army Infantry, the Zombie Extermination Unit, NAV MED, the Yagoton Revivification Clinic, the Ridleybank ZK'ers (clearly a harman front group), and the Cannonball Crew. When asked to comment after being ZK'ed, one member of the RRF said, "Damnit, that one AP it takes to stand back up is so vital!" Despite the fact that such attacks are extremely inefficient and ineffective, the staff at the Herald & Sun can't help but notice that such tactics are -- dare we say -- unclassy.

Barhahween Tomorrow

• With the upcoming Barhahween festivities, the harmanz have grown increasingly confused as zeds have started shambling about Malton in various tattered Barhahween costumes. The harmanz may be confused, but the RRF knows exactly what they're doing and may come by to explain the holiday with a good ransacking or two.
• Also upcoming is the RRF costume contest. Be sure to submit your costumes on the RRF Forums by the end of Barhahween for your chance to participate and win lame prizes!

All Quiet in Caiger, Latrobe Attack Repelled

• After reports of over 70 zombies in the Latrobe Necrotech Building near Caiger Mall, the CMS demonstrated some of their legendary defensive prowess by clearing and rebarricading the building within an hour. While the RRF certainly lends its moral support to the Shacknews effort to plunder Caiger, we can't help but wonder our zombah comrades' eye sockets did not get too big for hole at the end of their esophaguses.
• Almost immediately after the below post, our disgraced correspondent redeemed himself, calling the main H&S offices in Ridleybank. "Latrobe Building... Necrotech... Next to Caiger... Under attack! There are hundreds of them! Ahhhhh!!" From the sounds of it, Shacknews has struck next door to Caiger Mall as the initial blow of their attack. More to come.
• 23 October -- The standard strike times of the Shacknews horde have passed without incident. A Malton Herald and Sun correspondent on scene says, "Things are a little quiet here. A little too quiet." He was fired on the spot for using such a horrible cliche. In other news, the Malton Herald & Sun is looking for a new Caiger Mall correspondent....

RRF Lays Waste to Central Malton

• It's hard to imagine that a few weeks ago, Ridleybank was the only "red" neighborhood in Central Malton. With survivor resistance shattered and attempting to regroup before the "invasion" of November 5, the RRF has taken to cleaning up all of suburbs neighboring Ridleybank. Barricades lay smashed and most buildings are now ransacked in Pimbank, Roachtown, Stanbury Village, Roftwood, Barhahville, Galbraith Hills, Tollyton, Shackleville and Mockridge Heights. One zombie, surveying the scene from a hilltop, was heard to comment, "Wow! I haven't so much beautiful wreckage since Malton's last soccer riot!"

Caiger Mall Actually Threatened

• With the ascendance of the zombie group Shacknews, the survivors' own eternal stronghold, the Caiger Mall is under genuine threat for the first time in months. When a Herald & Sun correspondent showed up on the scene, he thought the mall had already been overrun as it was filled with pale, misshapen bodies lurching about, but he was mistaken. "Oh, that's just the Rickets," explained one CMS member, "some of us haven't been outside in over a year. Hey can you see anywhere that I can add to the 'cades?" When asked about the specific threat of the Shacknews horde another survivor commented, "I Robocade X394P2392ZX1. Insert plastic tree."

Barhahween is coming...

• With the ransack of Tynte Mall and its famous costume shop, the RRF has decided to hold its first ever Barhahween costume contest. The rules are simple: tell us what your Barhahween costume is (zombie werewolf, zombie vampire, etc.) and describe it in your UD profile. Link that profile to the RRF's message boards and the War Council will judge who has the best costume in various categories.

• While the ultimate determinations will be made by the written description in your UD profile, it cannot hurt (and it will certainly be more fun) if you include a picture, drawing or photoshop of your idea while posting your submission. Also, there will be a few lame prizes awarded (special RRF forum titles! Special signature pics! Mention in the Malton Herald & Sun!) because we at the War Council are cheap and don't want to buy a nice prize and pay for postage to ship it.

• Categories include: Best Trenchcoater, Most Sexy, Most Disturbing, Funniest, Most Bizzare, Best Caricature, Best Overall

• All submissions must be made by midnight GMT Barhahween (October 31st) with the winner announced shortly thereafter.

Anti-Caiger Falls

• The RRF followed-up their victory in Blackmore with a convincing rout of the Anti-Caiger Mall. The zombies were overhead groaning "Barhah" and talking about how their new opponent was much less up for a fight than the Blackmore Bastard Brigade. However, this is another definite feather in the RRF cap. The harmanz of Malton need to look out, because the RRF is back and firing on all cylinders.

Blackmore Falls

• The RRF with considerable help from Shacknews (a shining new Zombie group), Feral Undead and Red Rum finally crushed the resistance at the Blackmore Building. It should be noted that victory wouldn't have been possible without these groups and the RRF sincerely thanks them. At the same time it was a member of the RRF that scored the final ransack, fittingly defending the Zombie homeland. While Shacknews has followed the Blackmore Bastard Brigade to the Ackland Mall, the RRF has decided to let the Bastards regroup after an excellent battle and are currently tearing apart the Anti-Caiger Mall (aka Tynte Mall).
• Look for a full report later in the week.

Barhahween Coming

• The RRF is preparing to bring Barhahween to Malton. This holiday is very similar to the only enjoyable harman holiday of "Halloween." On October 31st, look for zombies dressed up as other "monsters" to lurch up to neighborhood barricades, knock, and groan "trick or treat" in their native tongue.

[edit] Unlifestyles

[edit] New Heights in Trenchcoatery

• By Murray Jay Suskind

Across Malton there are survivors wielding usless Katanas, automatic rifles without ammo, scars too numerous to count, staring off into the distance and, of course, wearing trenchcoats. However, there is a sense of restlessness within Malton's trenchcoating community. It hasn't been as fun for them to ignore crumbling barricades and fellow survivors in need of a revive in order to shoot zombies outside -- no, there is a movement afoot to create a whole new generation of cliches for the benefit of future trenchcoaters.

"Well, some of the modifications we're attempting to implement are quite obvious," said Captain Rodgers 31. "For instance, camouflage. That's a really obvious thing for us to be wearing under our trenchcoats. Also, the cargo pants give us plenty of room to stuff the never-ending supply of shotguns we have because, of course, we carry nothing else."

However, some trenchcoaters have come up with quasi-creative ways of embarrassing themselves and making survivors look bad. "I'm not going to rest until every last zombie in Malton is dead," explains paulssj58902802843. "That's why I've taken up Falconry. Just imagine how scared those stupid-ass zeds are going to be when they see a Falcon swooping over their heads!"

Some ideas, are just lame extensions of already terrible ideas constantly advanced by the trenchcoaters of Malton. "I'm a ninja!" exclaimed Michaelangelo42. "I am a master of the Katana and can take a zombie's head off in one swift kick!" After our intrepid reporter vomited, Michaelangelo42 started another bout by saying, "I've also got a bunch of shirukens!"

When asked to explain the general phenomena of trenchcoating, Dr. Jennifer Miles of a local psychiatric hospital said, "Well, a lot of these people were around before the zombie apocalypse. They sat around in their basements playing computer games non-stop and fancied themselves to be total badasses. After the undead started walking, instead of contributing to survivor efforts in any meaningful way, they started carrying a bunch of ornamental weapons they had no idea how to use and just shot a bunch of zombies in the streets instead of protecting what the survivors had or taking back ransacked buildings."

When asked to rebut these charges, Rodgers said, "Whatever. The zombies are totally scared when I come walking up to them. Just check out this blood spattered shirt and these grime-covered combat boots."

[edit] Trend Watch

• Harman Pez Dispensers
• By Murray Jay Suskind

As the RRF shambles around South Blythville, there have been more and more zombies carrying around harmanz with their necks slashed open, frequently pushing their head back and taking a small chunk of brainz out through the neck. This gruesome yet delicious treatment of survivors has been dubbed, “The harman pez dispenser.”

“It’s almost as much a fashion statement then anything else,” explains RRF fashion expert Goolina. “Like our refusal to wear pants, our mad squaredancing and our propaganda posters, the harman pez dispensers just make us look cool.”

However, appearances may not be the only factor at work. According to Zahgmahnd Freud, an expert in zombie psychology, the harman pez dispensers may also be used in zombie courtship rituals. “The zombie male rips open the throat of its victim and woos his mate by presenting her with this convenient brain dispensing conveyance. It’s a display of strength as well as an indication that he’s able to provide for the female zombie and any potential baby zombies.”

This new practice does have some detractors, though. A Malton Ranger, who wished to remain anonymous, felt that ripping open the throat left too many lingering effects. “I mean... even... after a revive... your throat... really... really... really... hurts.”

Dr. Freud understands the lingering effects. “Well, revivification does wonders in repairing damage done by various wounds and healing the human brain. However, the violent ripping open of their throats leaves extensive scarring that no amount of revivification can remove.”

Members of the GMT Breakfast Club have been amongst the biggest fans of the harman pez dispensers, ripping open the throats of over ten harmanz a day to provide a sweet snack after finishing the main course of their breakfast.

Additionally, Auxunit 10 has made a business of selling harman pez dispensers to zombies who may have a difficult time procuring their own harmanz. “Well, we tear down barricades, tear open harmanz, and give to the younglings of the horde,” said AU10 strike leader Talunex. “It’s our way of giving them a fun little treat.”

The Ranger, however, hopes that this trend comes to an end. “Seriously... stop... it really... hurts... god-ah!... goddamn-ah!... goddamnit. If... this... keeps... going... we’ll... end up... talking... like... you guys.”

[edit] Veal Brainz: Cruel Practice or Nice Meal?

Known for being a flavorful and tender delicacy, Veal Brainz have been part of the zombie diet in Malton since the beginning of the outbreak. However, a new movement lead by “Harmane Treatment for Harmanz” is decrying the practice of raising and eating the popular dish.

Harm for Harmanz spokesperson Mrh? Gangbang! asserted, “These sadistic harman ranchers immobilize their own babies inside of Malls, force feeding them Sbarro Pizza, Panda Express and Orange Julius until they’re ready to burst. A diet of fully grown, free range harmanz is available all over Malton, so why do we continue to eat their young?”

RRF member and chili afficionado Braggledorth begs to differ. “Veal brainz are the perfect compliment to the four different peppers that I use in my chili. We are zombies following our nature, which is to eat brainz. Whether those brainz come from babies or adults, free-range or cage/mall-fed, they nourish the decaying corpse.”

With the recent restoration of the harman population to Caiger Mall, veal brainz production has skyrocketed. A visit to Caiger revealed harmanz packed so tightly into the building that they are unable to lay down. Muscles – with the exception of trigger and needle fingers – are completely atrophied from lack of use. Bones are misshapen from lack of sunlight. Waste is cleaned by hosing down the floors of the mall once a week.

These practices begin from harman birth when most harman babies are contained in the mall food court and begin feeding on nothing but powdered milk and low grade cheese used by food court eateries.

“Sure, zombies love to eat brainz, but don’t want to see how they’re made,” says Bale Mall head rancher Jack McPherson. “I’m not claiming that this a clean business. But at the same time, most all these babies want to do is eat.”

It is at infancy that many zombies insist that the flavor and texture of the brains reach their greatest potential. The product isn’t corrupted by the excessive and bitter synapses that exist in adolescent brainz or the tough, rubbery texture of adult brainz.

“We need to understand the cost of our habits,” Gangbang! explains. “I’m not saying that we need to stop eating brainz altogether, but there are so many free-range harmanz that run between buildings and actually have higher quality and higher yield brainz. I just don’t see why we can’t satisfy our brainlust with those.”

However, Braggledorth has a rebuttal: “Free range brainz are excellent after they’re rubbed, smoked and covered with barbeque sauce before serving. However, we zombies need a little variety. Whether it be chili con brainz, harmanbargars, or some nice medulla oblongatas on the half skull we need to have a little spice in our diet.”

Perhaps McPherson put it best when he said, “as long as there are zeds smashing at the cades, I’ll have some harman calves waiting for them. Better them than me.”

[edit] Zombah Love

• Editor's Note: This was originally a Q&A session given by Goolina and Stray Zombie at the Quartly Library.

MoreThanDork: "Undead love? You've found undead love? As a zombie I found this near impossible as everyone time I feel for a fellow zombie, they turned out to be my own sex... And kissing with no lips is really awkward. How do you express your love for one another? And how did you meet? I frequent all the zombie hang outs but it's always crammed full of guys trying to get some quick satisfaction. No zombie I know has shown the patience for an extended relationship. My greatest love, Marte the Moocher, is always wandering off on me. It seems the groaner is always meatier on the other side of the street"

Goolina: "Well since we play as death cultists, we tend to stay fresher than the average zambah. Thus, we have full use of our lips and um other parts. Also, we were a genuine couple before he started playing, so you can say I lured him into the undead world and on to my strike team. There's something sexy about a woman who's not afraid to take command, if you get what I'm saying."

Sir Fred of Etruria: "But how do zombies couples look out for each other ? How do zombies pine for each other ? I wish I could recognize a zombie from more than a block away ! Through familiarity I should gain the ability to recognize the feeding groans of my beloved undead...but alas, cupid seldom visits Roftwood. And when he does his arrows yield not amorous intentions, but instead zombie incursions. The tangling grasp yields more tenderness than any zurvivors greetings, and an axe expresses more succinctly than any word whose true meaning is fleeting. For only through the cold machinations of a powered cell phone tower can I contact my distant librarians, whereas the zombies sense of smell will always reveal fellow companions"

Goolina: "StrayZombie and I watch each other's backs. Remember the thunderous cockslap he gave DHS? That's just one of the many examples of his manly protectiveness."

StrayZombie: "I wanted him to feel my Thunderous Cockslap, no one messes with my woman, whether undead or not."

Goolina: "Just like I feel his thunderous cockslap, though in a totally loving and consensual way of course. Yes, Virginia, there IS undead sex. And it doesn't consist of lying there with your eyes closed, waiting for it to be over."

StrayZombie: "But there is a lot of moaning and feeding groans, so it makes it really hot."

Goolina: "Though truth be told, StrayZombie, you're not one to share this hot dish with the rest of the horde. He doesn't mind the occasional zambah girl dropping by for a little menage, but other than that it's a totally monogamous undead relationship."

StrayZombie: "Yeah, I'm waiting for that little red headed undead girl you mentioned to wander back to Ridleybank."

Goolina: "Oh my *fans self briskly* it's getting a little hot in here, isn't it? Perhaps we should retire to a cool, dark spot to lie down a bit? What say you, StrayZombie?"

StrayZombie: "Any spot you choose is fine with me, barbah."

[edit] Mistakes Were Made!

The Malton Herald & Sun is proud to syndicate the UrbanDead inspired comic "Mistakes Were Made!" by BigJ. The MH&S will syndicate the series in order, but to see BigJ's latest work, be sure to visit The Comic's Homepage.

[edit] Excursion II: Son of Excursion

Deep Movie Voice In a world where zombies have pasty, rotting skin; the tanning bed is king.

Zombie Gah mah dannan bahd!

Deep Movie Voice But this quest for a tanning bed is no ordinary quest for a tanning bed.

Younger Zombie ! anna ahgzarzahn!

Deep Movie Voice Now playing in South Blythville....

Zombie Banana Gangbang!

Deep Movie Voice The movie AND tanning event of the century.

Younger Zombie ! zee dahd harmanz!

Deep Movie Voice Excursion II: Son of Excursion. Rated R.

[edit] RRF Anthem

Here is where you can find the official anthem of the RRF (click on the "re your brains" link to hear it).

Also there is an amusing YouTube video for the song made by someone with even more time on their hands than our Executive Editor.

[edit] 24 Hours of Pure Barhah

Blackmore and Nichols ransacked on the eve of Barhahgiving

The survivor efforts at the Blackmore Building and Nichols Mall, as well as the entire 5th of November incursion were utterly smashed at the hands of the RRF, Minions of the Apocalypse, Feral Undead and other zombie allies. What's more remarkable is that this sea-change took place in less than 24 hours.

While many survivors claim the brief occupation worked to de-mythologize the RRF, the fact that this incursion lasted for a much shorter time than the first Battle of Blackmore as well as the fact that the Shacknews horde was not needed to rid the zombie homeland of this plague is indicative of an RRF Renaissance. The power of the Group 0 and Group H hordes was prominently displayed and the RRF's strike teams showed a great level of coordination in bringing down both Blackmore and Nichols.

The combined might of the 5th of November coaltion, the NMC and the PTT were not enough to hold off the RRF and their allies.

With the RRF resurrgent and hundreds of harmanz desperately fleeing Ridleybank, various aspects of the RRF have undertaken new projects.

"I want all of central Malton leveled," Papa Patrucio was overheard as saying. "We need to round up and get rid of any harman presence remaining anywhere near our homeland."

In addition, Group 0 has regrouped under the new leadership of the Malton Herald & Sun's own Deathbymoshpit. Mr. Moshpit was unavailable to comment on his current plans, but is currently rumored to still be in central Malton.

Finally, Murray Jay Suskind, the leader of the Red Guards, ramped up his rhetoric to the denziens of Shearbank. "The KMT must be smashed! The citizens of this so-called Shearbank re-educated! We shall march through Stickling Mall victorious!

[edit] Ridleybank Special Olympics Commence

By Murray Jay Suskind

In fields across Malton, a grand new tradition has begun: The Ridleybank Special Olympics. RRF zombies have gathered to compete in a variety of events throughout the month of January in an inspiring display of zombie will, skill and determination.

For instance, there is the story of Red Guard Roddy A, who grew up in a small Chinese village without running water and didn't have his brains eaten until the age of 24. Despite such adversity, he now holds a gold brain for possessing the fastest feeding drag in the RRF.

Other winners include Braggledorth of Auxunit 10 for the most vicious ransack and Morificant of the GMT Breakfast Club for the 100 yard lurch and the title of fastest zombie in Malton.

However, the crown jewel of the Special Olympics has to be the group competition to see which Group or Strike Team can score the most kills and ransacks. The trash talk has already commenced.

"We're quite good at killing people," explains hairyjim of the GMT Breakfast Club. "It's what we're best at, and it's a mere formality before we're crowned the champions."

This view is disputed by the leader of almost every other group. "Group 0 levels entire suburbs at a time. The only thing that could stop us from winning this is getting our zombahz to actually post their kills on the forums," said Group 0 leader deathbymoshpit.

Goolina couldn't help but voice support for her death cultists in the Gore Corps. "Our members kill at rates equal to the harmanz, because we're frequently harmanz ourselves. Other groups may have the hype, but we all know who will pull out the victory."

According to Red Guards leader Murray Jay Suskind, "Re-education of the harmanz is the ultimate goal of the Red Guards. Fortunately the beneficient re-education process will gain us ever more glory in these events. All of the harmanz in Malton shall tremble before our Little Books of Barhah and our gold brainz."

Also not to be discounted are the Packers, guided by Papa Patrucio himself, the new Ridleybank Cub Scouts, the ransack machines of Auxunit 10 as well as the veterans of a certain strike team that may not actually exist.

One thing is for certain, though; a lot of Barhah will be brought to Malton in pursuit of the gold brainz.

[edit] Group 0 Changing Hands

For the past months, Group 0 has been led fearlessly by resident brain enthusiast Droggog. His campaign led to memorable sieges on Tynte Mall, St Matthew's Cathedral, and many other (formerly) well defended Police Departments and Nerotech offices. Under his command, he led group 0 to new level of feasting and dismemberment; prosperous times for the RRF

However, as of earlier this week, the fearless leader stepped down from his comfortable position to pursue other matters close to the horde, leaving his former capo, Deathbymoshpit, who is actually superhero Reed Richards (A.K.A. Mr. Fantastic) of the Fantastic Four, in charge of running the ever-growing horde.

“This is a great experience, I’m glad I finally have the chance to…..brrrraaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnssss….sorry…force of habit. I’m glad I finally have the chance to lead a formidable section of the horde”, says the newly appointed leader. He promptly lead Group 0 during the ransacking of both Blackmore and Nichols.

When asked about his commitment to the Malton Herald and Sun, Richards replied, “This will only help my journalism. I now have ample opportunity to head where the stories are. ‘Join the RRF! Meet lots of interesting people…and eat them’ couldn’t apply better to this situation. As we move away from home, I’ll be able to interview our brethren fighting far from home, and have the opportunity to take photographic evidence of our horde's continued prevalence in Malton.”

With the aid of a superhero at the helm, the future for Group 0 can only be full of bloodbaths, raids, and a good barhah for all. All devoted Group 0 followers are advised to watch thier forum thread closely for updates, objectives, and parties.

[edit] Sweet Zombie Dreams

Whilst Malton's struggle rages on, a solitary zombie sways in dreamlike slumber.

Part II in a serial

By Olam

This evening our dreamer is a professional zombie speaker, a scholar through and through. He has read Plato, he has studied Nietzche and, if he says so himself, he's damn good at this speaking lark.

Zombie Speaker finds himself at a stand, to his right is a composed, relaxed human and in front is an audience comprised of both zombie and humans, all watching the discussion eagerly.

Eagerly, for today they are to decide who has won, the humans or the zombies. The human made his case:

"Friends, enemies and those in between, I declare humanity the victor for, although we have lost several strongholds, we have since reclaimed them. The zombies may have bulldozed that which we built and shattered our numbers, but they cannot stay - they may destroy us, but we live on - and once they go we return, surely our perserverence is the key? Surely we are the victors. Our buildings are gone, but the survivors are not."

The screen left the human, whose arms were left victoriously high, and focused instead on Zombie Speaker:

"I dare not suggest that humans are not perseverant, that is shown more or less in their choice of choosing to attack the same building twice, but I do suggest that in fact zombies are the victor. We have razed their foundations to the ground, answered their brags with roars and hit back against the legions of trenchcoaters, firemen, military SAS and whatever other stereotype the humans like to portray themselves as. They might very well reclaim their buildings, but it does not take us long to stand up and take them back again. They live in fear of us, we do not live in fear of them. Why else would they barricade their buildings in the first place?"

At this point our lone zombie wakes up, returning to his life as a simple zombie man - certainly no public speaker. As he descends upon a mall's broken barricades, he truly wonders whether the word 'victory' has any meaning in Malton. Surely, if any side could 'win', the other would 'lose'? Yet both sides remain adamant that they have in fact won, and neither side has left the game completely.

The doubts seem to subside when our lone zombie makes his first kill of the morning.

Editor's Note: This is the first serial story to run in the Malton Herald & Sun by our very own Olam.

Sweet Zombie Dreams

• Whilst Malton's struggle rages on, a solitary zombie sways in dreamlike slumber.

By Olam

And what does our dreamer see today? This day he is Zombie Special Op, a highly trained, highly competent zombie assassin designed to combat and destroy the masses of enemies who hunt his kind down. Outnumbered, outgunned, with all odds against him, what chance does Zombie Special Op have? In a city where every enemy is an expert shopper, scientist and soldier all in one, how can a lone zombie turn the tide?

Zombie Special Op is infiltrating a Necrotech building, inside are hundreds of humans huddled together, the smell of excrement and body odour permeates the air, so much so that Zombie Special Op is forced to pull off his nose and deposit it safely in his pocket. Zombie Special Op finds the radio transmitter, which is barely visible for the crowd of humans who, for the most part, are so numerous they are unable to breathe. Zombie Special Op heads for the transmitter, which is broadcasting the important: "ZOMBIES SMELL!!! I HAVE A BIGGUN! I'M CLASSY!!" a sentence that humans are willing to fight for, to protect the brave transmitters and their useful banter. Zombie Special Op terminates the broadcast and instantly meets the attention of those around him.

Zombie Special Op absorbs the bullets, feeling a certain familiarity with them. Though there are only two people awake, they are, despite the hundreds in their way and the excrement stuck to their faces, quite capable of pulling a trigger and shouting conceited phrases. Zombie Special Op manages to maul them back but, horror, Zombie Special Op is headshot and collapses.

Surely this is the end for Zombie Special Op?! But no. Several hours later the humans still have difficulty dumping the body outside, after all, there's over two hundred sleeping people in their way. Zombie Special Op manages to stand up again before being dumped, realising that all it'd take to remove the enemy is a single bomb - after all, they're all in the same place, more or less unable to move.

At this point our lone zombie wakes up, returning to his life as a simple zombie man - certainly no special operative. He throws himself against the barricades to the Necrotech building, the stench is truly greater from within.

[edit] Harmanz Take One Building, Claim Victory

By Murray Jay Suskind

Recently, harmanz have again taken hold of the purely symbolic stronghold of the Blackmore Building. Blackmore fell on November 6, 2006, one day later than the claimed survivor "liberation" of Ridleybank.

"Truly all of Ridleybank is now liberated, right on time, too," commented one survivor. "This one building, and it is a fine building at that, encompasses the entirety of Ridleybank. The entire suburb is now liberated!"

In fact, the stated goal of the 5th of November "liberation" is, according to Codename V: "The 5th day of the Holy Roman month of April, I decree that in seven months time we converge on Ridleybank, our true home, and we take back what we have lost."

With the harman occupation of the Blackmore Building, now all of Ridleybank has been symbolically occupied by harmanz who would take the rest of Ridleybank, if, well, they were able to.

"Sure the Zombies are constantly taking down Acourt, Aldabert and Blomfield Grove. But the true victory is this one building." The survivor further explained, "After all, if 200 humans can successfully defend a single Necrotech building, then the entire 100 block suburb has achieved freedom."

The change of the harman scope has gotten to the point, where the original plans of harman occupation of all of Ridleybank has been scaled back to the much more modest, "Second Battle of Blackmore."

According to Dr. Groan Chomsky, professor of Zombie Linguistics at the Malton Institute of Technology. "This is typical harman behavior. They come up with grandiose plans, coordinate dozens of groups against the RRF and feel that holding onto one building is an accomplishment."

"It's really kind of sad," he added.

One anonymous War Consigliere of the RRF further expounded upon the point. "I guess Blackmore is a small loss, tactically. Although, I did ransack Moggridge Place Police Department today. It was really quite easy."

However, this has not stopped the harmanz ecstacy. One piece of graffiti even exclaimed, "Blackmore -- err Ridleybank is completely broken!"

"It's just indicative of the harman mindset," Dr. Chomsky concluded. "A minor, purely symbolic victory is the same thing as a decisive, crushing victory in their delicious brains."

[edit] Zombie Looks to Win Congressional Race

By Murray Jay Suskind

New Mexico's fourth Congressional district is noted for its striking desert scenery, majestic mountains and its long border with Mexico. And it shall soon be known for something else, electing only the 42nd zombah to the United States House of Representatives.

Grragh Barhah! Bra!nz! currently holds a commanding 73%-19% lead over his opponent, Andrew Miller, in their race for the open seat. Right now Mr. Bra!nz!'s platform seems to largely revolve around bringing competent leadership to Washington, DC.

"When I asked him how we were going to resolve the situation in Iraq, he talked about getting more brains," explained prospective voter Tami Sanderson. "I think it's so refreshing to hear someone talk about bringing intelligent leadership to Washington."

This doesn't sit well with Mr. Miller, though. "All he does is bellow 'more brains!' More brains is not a platform and it is not an option! He's also not doing enough to keep the foreigners out of our country."

In fact, Mr. Bra!nz!'s stance on immigration has not been an impediment to his juggernaut candidacy, even though he controversially started tearing into a section of border fence on a campaign visit. When asked about the border fence, Mr. Bra!nz! was quite passionate, shouting, "Rahm urr barr!cahds!"

Furthermore, while Mr. Miller has tried to paint Mr. Bra!nz! as a liberal out of touch with Southwestern US values, Mr. Bra!nz! has been able to counter these charges with tough law and order stances. When asked about the death penalty, Mr. Bra!nz! enthusiastically said, "Kill harmanz! Kill harmanz!"

In addition to his stances on the issues issues, Mr. Bra!nz! seems to have something else over Mr. Miller: personality.

"I'm sorry, but Andrew Miller is just a boring, politics-as-usual kind of guy," explained Bra!nz! for Congress spokeswoman Jennifer Reed. "He doesn't have the charisma, the energy or the youthful appearence of Grragh Barhah! Bra!nz!."

This personality has animated itself in many ways. Bra!nz! will playfully bite babies, grasp people he meets by the shoulders and brings them in for "Bra!nz! hug," and let out loud, threatening groans when he enters a room full of people. This is directly contrasted by Mr. Miller who is considered by some to be distant, aloof and uncomfortable around harmanz.

Perhaps it was summed up best by Caledonia resident Barney Peterson when he said, "Frankly, I thought it was this Miller fellow who wasn't even alive."

[edit] C4NT "Arrogant and Stupid" in Ridleybank

By Talunex

C4NT 'Arrogant And Stupid' In Ridleybank

A senior Channel 4 News Team official has said that the C4NT has shown "arrogance and stupidity" in Ridleybank. The anonymous source has made the remarks during an interview with Talunex for the Malton Herald And Sun.

The C4NT says our source was quoted incorrectly - the Malton Herald And Sun experts say this senior official did indeed use those words. It comes after Ron Burgundy discussed changing tactics with top C4NT commanders to try to combat the unrest and subsequent beatings at the hand of the Ridleybank Resistance Front, Red Rum, The Feral Undead and the juggernaut known as ShackNews.

The senior source, a fluent zombese-speaker, who is director of public diplomacy in the C4NT'S Bureau of Central Malton Affairs, told the Malton Herald And Sun that the world was "witnessing failure in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole. That's not the failure of the C4NT alone, but it is a disaster for the region," he said. "I think there is great room for strong criticism, because without doubt, there was arrogance and stupidity by the by the C4NT and The Blackmore Bastard Brigade."

He also said that the C4NT was now willing to speak to any survivor group in an effort to reduce the bloodshed at the hands of the rejuvenated zombie hordes. "We are open to dialogue because we all know that, at the end of the day, the solution to the hell and the killings in Malton is linked to an effective Malton reconciliation. We must open dialogue to stop these maurading gangs of zombies before they're smashing our strongholds and ripping the flesh from our bones"

However, another C4NT spokesman Champ Kind said: "What he [name witheld] says is that it is not an accurate quote." Mr Kind also denied that the C4NT had been guilty of arrogance or stupidity saying that history would be the judge of C4NT actions in Ridleybank.

Mr Burgundy held a video conference on the new measures with top C4NT military commanders in Ackland Mall on Saturday against the backdrop of more survivor losses in Ridleybank and the surrounding suburbs - 7800 so far this month.

A new poll suggests two-thirds of Maltonians believe the C4NT is losing the war in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole, a proportion which analysts says could translate into a drubbing at the malls for Mr Burgundy's Channel 4 News Team in the upcoming 'Second Battle Of Blackmore.'

The Malton Herald And Sun's Murray Jay Suskind in Ridleybank says that while there is no official change in C4NT strategy, change is on everyone's lips.

But another report from the Zombie News Network (ZNN) stated that officials are drawing up a timetable for the C4NT to improve security. This has been denied by both Mr Burgundy C4NT officials.

On Sunday funerals were taking place for 17 people killed in an AU10 raid on Woodroffe Mall. Local survivor groups were quite vocal in their opinion that no exit strategy exists and that they've been abandoned by the Channel Four News Team in what appears to be their darkest hour.

[edit] Better Know A Horde

Group 0

Well, we've covered a lot of strike teams in our time at the Malton Herald & Sun, but what about the greater horde? Those shambling zombies who crack open buildings and groan to alert other zombies. Those zombies who level entire suburbs at a time. Who is it that leads them? Good question, and it leads us to Part 1 in our one part series, "Better Know a Horde."

Group 0: The Fightin' Group! Shambling through Malton one suburb at a time, this group has always struck terror into the hearts of harmanz. And despite a recent downturn in horde numbers, it's thriving again under Excursion II: Son of Excursion. And who leads this horde? Well, it's none other than the Malton Herald & Sun's own Deathbymoshpit. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Moshpit in South Blythville. Here's what he had to say.

MH&S:You've been tasked to carry on the tradition of the RRF's great roving horde. What are your goals for Group 0?

DBM: Well I don’t know how good a job I could have been doing if since my ‘coup des grace’ , the numbers in Group 0 fell to an all-time low. But this is good. Now I can rebuild the horde in my own demented image. No sympathy, no limits, no stopping us. I plan to rebuild faith in the horde. We have a history of being the mob mentality of the RRF, and I plan to use that effectively to tear Malton apart.

MH&S:The rise and fall of Shacknews has reinforced a trend amongst zombies to be more and more organized. How has this impacted the life of the shambling horde?

DBM: Well the horde has always had rudimentary organization. We work on a freedom basis. The leader would suggest the most palpable targets for the horde to attack, but the ferals were always free to post their own finds. But I believe organization is the key now more than ever with the arduous task ahead of rebuilding the horde.

MH&S:It has been established that you are a Canadian. How does your corpse not freeze solid during the long winter months, eh?

DBM: It has a lot to do with the Canadian beer. Little known fact: Canadian beer actually contains trace amounts of anti-freeze, so we can stand the cold winters. And in death that helps a lot. Though congealed, the anti-freeze must have seeped into my putrid flesh by now, so its win-win. While the rest of the horde will freeze, the Canadians can run the show. We’ve adapted.

MH&S: Wow. Sounds even more fun than Chinese formaldahyde beer. You are known to be quite the zombie photographer. Do you have any favorite works you wish to share with us?

DBM: Nothing at the moment. Been too busy with the University shite to have any fun with the photoshop. Hmm. I did have some ideas in mind. I should really have something out soon which I was thinking aboutaround Barhahmas.

MH&S: You are known as one of the more firey and passionate leaders of the RRF. Where did this great passion for destroying harmanity come from?

'DBM: I believe it all started when I was a youngling, and had all the hopes and dreams of the world on my back. Then I moved into the real world and found everything to be a lie. Everything I was taught, everything I was told to believe in, it’s all a false charade. Because harmanity insists on perpetuating this lie, and does not instil the truth in us from a young age, I have made it my task…nay…my DUTY to exterminate them from the face of this planet. That is why I offered my soul to the undead. They never lied to me, they never sent me on tasks I could never achieve; that I was doomed to fail in. Only when I embraced the cold clutches of the grave did I realize the full extent of the misery the fleshies exist in.

Also, I attribute my fireyness to the music I listen to while travelling around town. Nothing makes harmans taste better than listening to some Dark Funeral, Naglfar, or Emperor. Of course, Cannibal Corpse and White Zombie add some nice imagery to the situation. I tend to switch over to those during mall sieges. So anyone who’s near Marven Mall in South Blythville, just follow the distant sounds of Cannibal Corpse classics such as “Under the Rotted Flesh”, “Scattered Remains, Splattered Brains”, and my personal favourite “Unleashing the Bloodthirsty”. Oh, and one more thing, heavy metal doesn’t encourage the violence; it enhances it.

MH&S: Wholeheartedly agreed. Final question... Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

DBM: Well what defines the quality of greatness? Who is to decide what elevates one leader above another? Where are the praises of all the former leaders who led us to victory? Am I just asking questions to avoid giving a straight answer? The answer to these questions and more…the next time I’m interviewed.

As always my children, in the words of the almighty Manowar, Hail and Kill….

[edit] Better Know A Papa

Papa Sonny

By Murray Jay Suskind

What happens when you up the cheesy 80's comedy My Two Dads? Well, you get the RRF with a whopping three Papas. The Malton Herald & Sun is very aware of the horde's glorious past, and in the interests of educating some of our younger members, we wish to bring you a bit of our glorious history. Hence, Better Know a Papa. And who is the first subject in this feature?

Well, it's Papa Sonny, of course. The Fightin' Sonny! Originally a harman, Sonny worked his way through the ranks of the RRF to succeed the legendary Papa Petro. Under his firey brand of leadership, Papa Sonny led the RRF through the original excursion, oversaw the original zombie renaissance and made a lot of enemies.  :)

We recently had a chance to sit down with Papa Sonny, here's what he had to say.

MH&S: Your time as Papa immediately preceeded my personal experience with the RRF. What would you say were the high and low points of your time as Papa?

Sonny: High Points would be the IRC chats and the fun little raids we had with Big Bash. Low Points were Morrish bots, losing the horde, and just the overall hate from harmanz.

MH&S: Do you feel that you were given a difficult task in succeeding Petro? Did things ever become an issue just because you thought differently on certain matters than Petro?

Sonny: I actually did everything Petro wanted me to do. He gave me instructions and I followed them. People criticized that I did things Petro wouldn't but I did exactly what he wanted. I guess people just didn't like what I did because it wasn't Petro doing it directly.

MH&S: You're currently "raising money" to buy the Sealand island off the coast of England. I couldn't help but notice from the pictures that it seems to be an island that is easily defensible from a zombie attack. Will you build a nice ramp for the climbing impaired to gain access?

Sonny: Actually that idea was scrapped after my friends all said it was more fun to pretend taking it over than actually doing it. I'm now trying to catch PhonePoleDeer.

MH&S: You seem to have somewhat of a mixed reputation in the game depending on who is asked. There are many players who are fiercely loyal to you and enemies who are very much respectful to you, but there are also some players (most all of whom frequent other forums) who seem to not like you at all. What do you think this polarization is a function of?

Sonny: Well people who like me like me because I'm also fiercely loyal, one thing Petro took into account when he allowed me into the horde. Those that respect me on other sides do it because I show respect when it is deserved. Those that hate me are just angsty teenage boys that don't like people disagreeing with them. I guess it also has to do with me joining the zombies.

MH&S: You've recently taken a break from UD and (if I remember correctly) NW, even though you're still somewhat active in the community of forums. Will the old games ever lure you back, or are you just chatting with friends and answering the occasional interview?

Sonny: I'd come back to UD if it was heavily updated. I do log on once a night for Mall Tour because Xyu is such a cool guy. I'd never come back to NW because it is too fast paced, too time consuming, and just too hard to grasp when you're gone for a few days.

MH&S: Final question... Papa Sonny: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Sonny: Not even close. Rating me from the three total Papas I'd score 5th place.

MH&S: I'll just mark you down as saying "great" because you don't think you're the greatest.

[edit] Better Know a Strike Team

The Red Guards

By Goolina

From intrepid reporter to RRF strike-team leader to brand-new Malton Ranger...this rising star of Urban Dead is known to many, and respected (or feared) by most. The Malton Herald & Sun's own Murray Jay Suskind recently took time out from his varied activities, washed the blood and brainz off of his hands, and sat down to talk to me for this exclusive interview.

MH&S: Murray, how did you get involved with the RRF and the strike teams?

MJS: Well, I started off with AU10 because I asked about strike teams when I got on the boards, and Silent Sister was the first one to get back to me. From there things really took off. While I really enjoy being a strike team leader now, and while I have a good crew in the Red Guards, I'm still an AU10 member at heart. The camaraderie and the eclectic mix of people with overlapping talents is pretty amazing. That and they're quite good at killing people, getting up to almost GMT levels of good.

MH&S: Tell our readers more about your current strike team, The Red Guards, and their efforts at reeducating the harmanz of Malton.

MJS: With the Red Guards I just took the fascination I have with Mao's China and redirected it into a strike team. The real Red Guards were taught to disregard everything, including human life, in their veneration of Chairman Mao and opposition to "capitalist roaders." Well, I decided to apply the same principles and disregard for harman life to a new strike team. And we've got a great group. I'd love to see us grow a little more, but our handful of members are very enthusiastic and are great to play the game with.

MH&S: You seem to be a rising star in the RRF. How does it feel to have the admiration of so many of your zethren, yet the animosity of so many obviously jealous harmanz?

MJS: Well, I'm only a rising star in the RRF because anyone is given a chance to rise in the RRF. We're a very open community, and that combined with the fact that I have a lot of free time on my hands allowed me to rise quickly. However, a lot of the credit has to go to Silent Sister and Patrucio; they've fostered many of my insane ideas and have let Murray Jay Suskind grow into the harman killing monster that he is.

MH&S: What prompted you to start up the Malton Herald & Sun again? Some of that free time you spoke of, or something deeper?

MJS: Patrucio was asking for people to start up the Malton Herald & Sun again. I suppose it's something where the deeper I got into the meta-gaming the more fun it got. I've always fancied myself a decent writer so I took a crack at it. As I got people to start working with me, then the paper really took off and became truly fun. Again, meta-gaming and camaraderie. The Malton Herald & Sun is probably the most fun part of the game for me, except when it comes to posting it on the wiki page. Posting stuff on the wiki page sucks.

MH&S: What does the future hold for zambah news sources in Ridleybank?

MJS: The future holds good things for zombie media. As long as there is an Urban Dead, and as long as a lone feral zombie is hamstrung by the way the game is set up, there will have to be metagaming. Zombie news is a great way to metagame, get your name out there and to coordinate.

MH&S: You recently interviewed the formidably classy Ron Burgundy. What was that experience like?

MJS: It was great. He's a really nice person and, of course, has a great sense of humor mixed with perfect hair. Since RRF utterly devastated the NMC at Blackmore and Nichols, I suspect we won't be seeing him in battle for a while, but he's definitely a worthy foe.

MH&S: Do you have any plans to interview other notable harmanz? If so, which one would you most like to interview?

MJS: Well, I did interview Dickhole Guy, but most of the questions were about Blackmore and then it fell making what we were talking about irrelevant, so I had to interview him again. But I have all sorts of ambitious plans. I'd like to talk to the past Papas, Jorm, some of allies like The Minions of the Apocalypse and Shacknews, as well as other harmanz like Padre Romero, Vito the Don [Editor's Note: See below] and maybe Imperial Red Dragon. I like what IRD has done with his new Power Rangers group. Not as good as my Ivan Drago Death Squad suggestion, but it's still a good theme.

MH&S: Many of us have heard rumors of a "bet" with The Malton Rangers' Dickhole Guy. Care to tell your readers about this bet?

MJS: Oh, after he told me that the RRF couldn't get the survivors out of Blackmore without the help of Shacknews, I bet him. The terms I laid out were if we won DHG would have to be a dedicated Red Guard for a month, if he won Murray Jay Suskind would have to be a dedicated Malton Ranger for a month. He backed out of the bet shortly before the fall of Blackmore.

MH&S: However, I noticed that you and DHG did make good on the bet later on. Please elaborate on what your alt is doing now, plus the idea of Life Cults kicking around on the NMC boards.

MJS: Walter Sobchak is fighting to take back Caiger right now, fighting what he insists are anti-semetic nihilists. I'm pushing this life cultist thing hard because I think it sounds like a lot of fun (I always prefer being a zombie) and I still make good on having an alt that actually helps the survivors. Although Walter needs to pick up some XP before going life cultist -- he has no zombie skills.

MH&S: Now Murray Jay, there's general knowledge of the Red Guards' link to Jack Abramoff. What few people know about, however, is your link with Britney Spears. Any comment on her recent split with K-Fed?

MJS: First of all, I never took money from Jack Abramoff. He just put me up in a nice hotel, paid for my flights and my meals and took me golfing at a resort. That's all. Secondly, it's fairly obvious that Britney's a zombie. I mean her brains were eaten when she was very young. Now what happened with K-Fed was that she mistook someone with rather severe mental handicaps for another zombie. It's really tragic, when you think about it. Anyway, it couldn't last, the harman / zombie relationship. The world isn't ready for it yet.

MH&S: Back to serious topics. Caiger, Blackmore and Stickling are all in zambah hands. Is this the beginning of a new zambah renaissance? Or will the PTT recover from the humiliating defeat in Shearbank and pull off a Hail Mary at Giddings?

MJS: I'd say it is a zombie renaissance. My big concern at this point is that the survivors will get some new nerf right as Shacknews is leaving. But as the game stands right now, the various zombie groups are working together in a much better fashion than the survivor groups and we're routing them because of it.

MH&S: Final question. Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

MJS: Well, I wasn't around for Papa Petro or Papa Sonny. Patrucio is most definitely great, but I'm not qualified to say whether or not he's the greatest.

MH&S: Oh, no way are you getting off easy on this one. Your choices are "great papa" or "greatest papa."

MJS: *sigh* Okay, just put me down as saying "greatest."

Better Know a Strike Team -- The Gore Corps

By Murray Jay Suskind and Goolina

Ah... the combat revive. The bane of every zombah'z existence. Just when you think things are going well, bam, you're on the ground and are a useless harman, nonetheless. But wait! There is hope! Sometimes this freshly made harman stands up and begins smashing generators, headshotting harmanz and making what little is left of the harmanz lives a living hell. And that brings us to part four in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.

The Gore Corps: The Fightin' Corps! The resident death cultists of the RRF, these members reign blood on the harmanz in either zombah or harman form. The lure of the death cult was first formed during the Big Bash when during the siege of the Besley Mall, a certain young zombah kept getting combat revived. Instead of merely jumping out a window or sacrificing the temporary and disgusting harman viscera, this RRF member made it her job to torture the harmanz by causing destruction as one of their own.

When Papa Patrucio was looking to form new strike teams, a good word from Papa Sonny lead this rapidly maturing dual-threat killing machine to be entitled her own group. Hence, the Gore Corps, the RRF's death cultists were born.

And who is this brave leader? Well, it's none other than Goolina, a zombah that may have made it on as many harman shit lists as any other RRF member. We recently had a chance to talk with Goolina, in her much less disturbing zombah form, in her home in Woodland Towers.

MH&S: What would you say is the overall philosophy of the Gore Corps?

Goo: Our philosophy is simple: We assist the RRF in securing and preserving Ridleybank as a harman-and-barricade-free homeland for all zambahz. We lend a hand to other RRF strike teams as well. Two things we do not do are spy for the RRF (even though it's an accusation that follows us, it's patently untrue) or willingly enter Ridleybank (or the greater homeland) as harmanz. The exception would be during a siege situation inside Ridleybank - then the kid gloves come off!

MH&S: That's understandable. As the resident death cultists of the RRF, I'm sure you guys have been a lightning rod for the new RRF policy allowing death cultists. What pisses off harmanz so much about their brainz being sprayed about by a gunshot rather than having them merely eaten?

Goo: Harmanz like to think of themselves as benevolent protectors. Being blown away by their own kind shows them how truly vulnerable they are. It also strikes a chord of fear, because they know that there are people out there who would do the same thing in a real situation. Their greatest enemy isn't the zambahz, but each other.

MH&S: Is there anything that a harman can do that actually works against a death cultist?

Goo: Actually, yes. Accept the gift of barhah when it's offered, and don't make us come looking for you. We're like process servers...we always get our man.

MH&S: Yes, but are the harmanz smart enough to figure that out?

Goo: Come to think of it...no.

MH&S: What's the funnest part about being in the Gore Corps?

Goo: One thing I love about the Gore Corps is the comraderie. We like to have a laugh, and we're all about the funny. We spend a lot of time talking back and forth with each other about silly things that have happened to us, kills we've made, and the reaction of harmanz to our shenanigans. One of my favorite quotes is from the first person to join the Gore Corps:

"I took out Padre Romero a few minutes ago while listening to 'Natural Born Killaz', cause that's how I roll."

And then there's this particular gem:

"I racked up some XP against a PTT member the other day. Wore him down to 9 HP, healed him, shot him, healed him, shot him and killed him. Heh, I enjoyed it."

MH&S: Nice. Now, on a slightly more serious note.... Have you ever taken any contributions from Jack Abramoff?

Goo: I will neither confirm nor deny those allegations.

MH&S: Really? I have pictures.

Goo: *clicks off safety on gun*

MH&S: Why don't we move on to the final question. Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Goo: That's a difficult question. When I joined the RRF, Papa Sonny was the boss. I have a lot of respect for Sonny, and he always put a smile on my face with his devil-may-care attitude. He meant business too. Sonny was an all-around great Papa, and I miss the guy.

That's not to say Patrucio isn't a great Papa too. I think the RRF is blossoming under his leadership, and he's gone to great lengths to ensure that we still have a laugh while working on our goal of bringing the barhah to those in need. I think that if Patrucio continues in the same vein, he will become "greatest Papa" in the eyes of the Gore Corps.

MH&S: I'm sorry that wasn't an answer. Your options are: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Goo: Clawing his way towards "Greatest Papa" honors, most definitely.

MH&S: *Sighs* I guess I'll just mark you down as saying Greatest.

Better Know a Strike Team -- The GMT Breakfast Club

By Murray Jay Suskind

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Oooooo-ooo-ooo-ooooo woah! Nothing like some cheesy eighties music to lighten the mood. That was, of course, "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds. That song is most famous for two things: 1) Being incredibly annoying. 2) Being the theme from a famous eighties movie. Which brings us to part three in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.

The GMT Breakfast Club: The Fightin' Club! Formed in late 2005 during the Battle for Caiger Mall, this crack unit of some of the RRF's finest and highest level zombahz have been busting barricades and eating brains ever since. The official roadies of the RRF, they have been organizing tours and groaning "GRAHH one, two, GRAHH one, two," throughout Malton. Perhaps their greatest claim to fame is the fact they have eaten over 2000 brains to this point.

Known for their cheery spirit and cake distribution (they know how to put on a fantastic breakfast), they are always sure to mention that the GMT in their name stands for "Good Morning Tasty" as brains are so tasty to eat in the morning. They are lead by the charismatic cross-dresser HairyJim.

We recently had a chance to sit down with a few members of the GMT Breakfast Club while on tour in Darvall Heights.

MH&S: The GMT Breakfast Club has zombified over 2000 harmanz during its run. What would you say makes the club such a fearsome harman killing machine?

HJ: Surprise, Fear and a dedicated group of core members.

MH&S: Has there ever been a team of harmanz who have posed even the slightest impediment to the success of the GMT Breakfast Club?

HJ: We pretty much steam roll everyone we target -- just ask the inhabitants of The Whatmore Building for a recent example of a very successful GMT campaign; 100+ to 10~ inhabitants in under a fortnight. It's not the harmans that are the impediment it's the stuff they pile in front of their doors...

MH&S: Is there any connection between your group and the John Hughes film "The Breakfast Club?" Would you say that you're more like Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Ally Sheedy or Molly Ringwald?

HJ: Well there is only one connection with us and the film and that is Molly Ringwald stole my wardrobe and she copies everything I wear. Other than that no. We would however like to meet them and have a nibble on Molly.

MH&S: Do you have any advise to the younger zombies and strike teams out there aspiring to GMT Breakfast Club status?

HJ: IRC is good. Harmanz are bad. Say that several times a day and well you are welcome on board. "Themes" and variety keep the troops entertained as well (check out our wiki page for some examples).

MH&S: What kind of brain goes best with a nice cup of Earl Gray and scones?

HJ: There is no clear answer to this, each of us have our own preference.

Mardigan: A soft, spreadable one that's rich in XP and contains generous chunks of Headshot.

Distinguished: A warm one.

Bundolo: Well, I have to disagree with Mardi on this one. I mean, the bergamot in Earl Gray has a strong aroma to it, so it needs something strong to go with it. I'd definitely choose a dark brain rich with flavour and sarcasm - such as that of an ULC member. By the way, my personal favourite for those long sieges is a strong Oolong tea. It really keeps your bowels working when you need to eat more than two survivors a day. Remember kids: keep those small intestines working when you need to just pass it through, but savour the feeling of a Gingerbread Man.

MH&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

HJ: Now only I can answer this question since i have shook hands with the "big man" personally, wihtout pants! See this video: Meeting the GREAT Pappa Petro.

MH&S: Truly an inspirational video.

Better Know A Strike Team -- The Green Bay Packers

By BongoBrain and Murray Jay Suskind

Mmm... nothing smells quite as good as an undead corpse. The only thing I can even compare to it is a nice fragrant cheese. If I could lurch around with some Limburger on my head, I’d be a happy zombie. Speaking of undead Cheeseheads, it's time for part two of our ongoing series: Better Know a Strike Team.

The Green Bay Packers: The Fightin’ Pack! The Packers strike team was formed in the Siege of Caiger, and as such is one of only two teams left from that time. From November of 2005 to the present day, the Packers have faithfully joined within their operating hours of 0000-0400 GMT to bring the spirit of Barhah to the cowering harman masses, on a campaign that has stretched from one end of Malton to the other.

As their name implies, the Packers are formed in the spirit of the famous American Football team, the Green Bay Packers. They are, in fact, lead by the undead incarnation of Brett Favre himself, still wearing his football jersey on which, despite the layers of blood and gore, the great white number 04 can still be seen. More importantly however, the Packers embody the spirit of Lambeau. Where blood still runs in their rotted veins, it is the blood of Vince Lombardi, of Ray Nitschke, of Reggie White and Gilbert Brown. They are the workhorses of the RRF, and with as much discipline as can be mustered in a “raging ball of square-dancing chaos”, they hold the line.

This spirit can be seen most strongly in what was likely the team’s finest hour thus far. While the rest of the horde was off on Excursion, it was the Packers along with a small group of other hardy volunteers who kept the zombie homeland free of harman vermin. While suburbs were torn up like tissue paper and brains ran in the streets like lumpy gravy, the Packers roamed Ridleybank and Barhahville, devouring what brains they could find squirreled away in the fetid hideyholes still scattered through the buildings. The Packers lived up to their reputation and kept on the job nonstop, ceasing only to conduct line drills in Foley Stadium, and hold the occasional towel fight.

And the Packers have still not stopped. They continue to strike every night, bringing on the spirit of the Barhah to the huddled harman masses, in that special, towel snapping, trenchcoat sacking way that only they can. On their rotten shoulders, moreover, rests the honor of the horde, for it is Patrucio himself, as the avatar of the great number four, who leads them. The Packers are now, for better or worse, the Honor Guard of the horde, and they bear the responsibility with pride.

Be you a zombie, and looking for a place for fun, comradeship, and towel snapping, then look no further. Be you a harman, then just know that we will see you soon

We recently had a chance to sit down with Strike Team leader Papa Patrucio in his Ridleybank office.

H&S: You model yourselves after the classic Packer teams of Lombardi and Holmgren. But what ever happened to the Packers of Don Majkowski?

Papa: We ate them.

H&S: The Magic Man? Why? He was such a juggernaut with Sterling Sharpe in Tecmo Super Bowl.

Papa: He wandered into Ridleybank. Packer or no, we don't distinguish between harmanz in the 'bank.

H&S: What stereotype would Reggie White have praised zombies for before the Wisconsin State Legislature?

Papa: It is usually left off of most transcripts, but he actually mentioned Zombie-Americans in that speech. It was right after he mentioned Hispanics, "Zombies, they have a gift for community. You see them standing around outside together in the rain and the snow and just about everything else, and they seem just as happy to be standing together no matter what. Plus, they love making new members to join them. I ain't ever seen a racist zombie."

H&S: In addition to leading the Packers you also lead the larger RRF. I suppose the next logical step would be Mayor of Malton. What's your platform?

Papa: Grah! Nah mar harmanz! Harmanz baad! Zambaz gaad! Braaaaa!nz!

H&S: As an elder in Urban Dead, you have surely sampled some excellent brains over the years: Which one was the best?

Papa: Oh, now that is a difficult one. There's the general debate between free-range brains and cage raised (aka Mall) brainz. They both have their different charms and such. But the finest brains I've ever had would have to have been Judge Judy. We've killed her regularly over our year of service, and each time I eat her brains they always seem a little better.

H&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?

Papa: I would have to say adequate for now. Petrosjko is clearly our greatest Papa. I just hope I can keep the horde lively and fun.

H&S: I'm sorry, but the only two options I have here are Great and Greatest.

Papa: (Vacant undead stare at Murray Jay)

H&S: I'll mark you down as "Great" because you don't think you're the greatest. Besides "Patrucio: I'm Great" makes you seem modest.

Papa: (Continued vacant undead stare)

H&S: Thank you for your time, sir.

Papa: You're... hey wait. Aren't you supposed to be on assignment? What are you doing here interviewing me? You've got harmanz to kill!

H&S: Aye aye, sir!

Better Know a Strike Team -- Auxunit 10

Mmm... who enjoys a good ransacking? I know I do. Well, guess who scored the biggest ransack in recent memory this week. That’s right. It’s part one in our ongoing series, Better Know a Strike Team.

Auxunit 10, the fighting tenth! This young strike team has made quite a name for itself in the short time that it has been around. Not only have they ransacked the Blackmore Building – as part of a larger effort that saw many friends smashing ‘cades and eating brains – but they have ransacked nearly half their targets. This is despite numbering only eleven Zombahz: “It’s not the size of the strike team that matters. It’s what you do with it,” explained an anonymous strike team member.

However, ransacking important harman buildings isn’t the only thing that AU10 is good at. They are also well documented for their insatiable desire for brains and the death of harmanz. Perhaps AU 10 Minister of Information, Murray Jay Suskind put it best when he said, “Chairman Mao killed 30 million harmanz in China. I think we can do much better right here in Malton.”

So who leads this great strike team into combat? It’s none other than Elizabeth Vignelli (aka Silent Sister). The Malton Herald & Sun recently had a moment to sit down with Ms. Sister in her Ridleybank office. Here’s what she had to say.

MH&S: What contributions has your team made to the greater Barhah of Malton?

SS: Well, we're ransacking fools for one, and that's always going to boost the average zambah'z morale. Most of our brethren find it refreshing to enter a building that's been torn to shreds, and we're more than happy to oblige. We've also been making great strides in helping our younger brethren gain experience and skills - bigger, stronger, more experienced zambahz are deadlier zambahz. And by powering through cades like a hot knife through brain butter in order to give everyone access to the delicious harmanz inside a building, we're exemplifying the spirit of BARHAH. It's about looking out for the success of your brethren - we don't really care who kills the harmanz as long as they get killed. Compare that with the survivors who compete with each other and I think you'll see why BARHAH is so special. It's more than a battlecry; it's a way of life.

MH&S: Sometimes your team ransacks two buildings in one day. Do you think it's fair to so thoroughly out-class the harmanz?

SS: I know this is a hot-button topic, but it's got to be said: Zambahz are classier than harmanz, and we're not going to hide it any longer. We've always had to work harder than the harmanz for our victories, so if ransacking two buildings in one day is going to boost my team's morale and strike fear into the fleshies in the area, then by BARHAH we're going to ransack two buildings. It really comes down to the team, though - our numbers are small, but each and every member of Auxunit 10 is as classy as five harmanz combined. That kind of awesomeness is hard to hold back, so we just go at it like the crazy zambahz we are.

MH&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa, or Greatest Papa?

SS: It's early yet, but I suspect it just may be the latter (with all due respect to our former Papas, of course). Papa Patrucio inherited a lot of problems when he took over the RRF and he's done a good job leading us - he listens to what the horde is saying and takes that into account, but in the end the decisions are his own. He's quite the level-headed zambah; I mean, great leaders are always going to have their quirks, and I think we've all heard the rumors that when nobody's watching, Papa Patrucio likes to dress up in strange outfits and shout "GAH LAHNG!" while gesticulating wildly. But that doesn't change the fact that he's doing a bang-up job of helming one of Malton's most notorious hordes.

MH&S: What's Auxunit 10's fight song?

SS: "Ghouls' Night Out" by the Misfits. It's good music to kill by. Sometimes we even have impromptu song and dance parties in the streets when we're feeling particularly spry after our daily dirt naps. We usually invite the harmanz to join in, but they always refuse. That's okay, though, because when that happens we just go in and drag them out. They're a little shy and need some encouragement to have fun – I guess we'd be pretty cranky too if we spent our entire lives holed up in the dark.

• If you wish to find out more about Auxunit 10 visit their wiki page. If you wish to join Auxunit 10, make sure you're a member of the RRF first, then contact Silent Sister on the forums.

[edit] Better Know an Ally

Shacknews

By Murray Jay Suskind

As quick as five dollar whore, the Shacknews horde descended upon Malton, and set a path of destruction the likes of which Malto