Team Zombie Hardcore/History

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In The Beginning

There were two fundamental forces in the universe:

The Awesome - A force of badassness and Rock. This is the part of you that makes you want to beat total ass. Or to stomp zombie face. All feelings of Rock, Coolness, Sweetness, being Awesome, or Pwnage are but a small part of "The Awesome" shining through you.

The Suck - This is everything shitty and weak. This is popped collar frat boys. This is trenchie douche bags who need to get a life. Its emo drama-queens who need to get punched in the face. When you cut in line, when you kick a puppy, when you become a zombie... this is The Suck slowly eating your soul.

The Awesome and The Suck are two opposing forces. Like Yin and Yang they battle for control of the universe. But unlike Yin and Yang they are not equal, for "The Awesome" will prevail. Sucky d-bags are always lesser to those who are awesome. Yet the Suck is not without power. Always be wary of "The Suck" and remember that to be glorious and/or classy, you must be awesome! And the only true path to Awesomeness is through faith in the divine prophets of the awesome, such as the first Propet: "He Who Is Awesome". Faith in "The Awesome" has been shown to manifest in many ways. It is now generally known and accepted that those of The Church Of The Beyonder are also basking in the light of "The Awesome" as it pours forth from The Second Prophet of "The Awesome" - The Beyonder

TheAwesome.jpg TheSuck.gif


Team Zombie Hardcore has been present in Malton since September of 2005. But this was not the beginning. Oh no. To fully understand the glory of TZH one must first know the legend that is Mark Whalberg.

Once Whalberg came to Malton he stood amongst the hordes of shambling dead and he knew deep inside him that the root of the zombie evil was not NecroTech. The plague that had engulfed Malton came not from science, nor from mad geniuses behind lab tables. Nay, the root of the zombie infestation came from the citizens of Malton. It came from their Soft Cores and their Weak Sauce. For many were vegetarians and metro. Many of them spoke words softly and enjoyed Oprah's book of the month club. The had gone against the ways of the ancients and shunned those things which are sweet as hell: Beef, Whiskey, Rum, and Beer. As generations had passed the souls of those in Malton were worn thin, and eventually blew away on the farts of its citizens, the farts which they loved to eat so much.

But things would Change! Oh yes! They would change! For it was not long before Whalberg found Big Nixon, and his brother Papa Nixon holed up in an ancient ruins known as an "Arms". A place long forgotten by those that drank Zima and Shmirnoff Ice. And this place was besieged by the zombies, who uncomprehending in their suckitude sought to end their miserable unlife at the hands of Big Nixon and Papa Nixon's many guns and manly axes. But there were hundreds, nay THOUSANDS besieging this place. But with one might hip thrust Whalberg vanquished them, and in so doing save Big Nixon and Papa Nixon from being overwhelmed by the stank that is zombitude. It was then and there that Whalberg granted unto these two men, these survivors miraculous powers by which they could show Malton where salvation lay.

And so Team Zombie Hardcore was born. And in time more came to see Whalberg as the one true hope in Malton. One after another they came to him. To bask in the glory of his most manly of faces, and awesome of belts. And it was with the combined power of the Whalbergium that flowed through his veins and loins, and the power of the Foreigner Belt that he wore that Whalberg and his Team traveled throughout Malton. The Team knew not where they would go, nor why they were going. Whalberg in his infinite wisdom and inebriated state would say only that he sought out three more. Three more warriors that would become HorseMhen of Whalberg!

The Holy Land

And so it came to pass that in their wanderings Team Zombie Hardcore came to North Blythville And there they settled into their new home: Hardcore Headquarters. This was the beginning for TZH as a growing power in Malton. What had once been a wandering band of Saints had now become a settled group. "The Awesome" had taken its chosen and given unto them a land otherwise unsettled. They claimed this place as their own, and proceded to rock all the time and throw huge drunken bashes for the crunkification of face, and inebriation of spirit. Amen.

The Discovery of Team Strike Force

Many wars were fought and won by Team Zombie Hardcore, alliances made, friendships forged, and soon more and more new members swelled into the ranks of these Saints of Sweetness. It seemed that in time all of Malton would come to know the glory of Whalberg. It was during a great conflict though that perhaps the greatest of all discoveries was made. Big Nixon, while down in South Blythville spreading the word, happened upon a small band of Heroes known as Team Strike Force. Big Nixon was shocked to hear the holy words uttered by these men he had never met! BALLS TO THE WHALLS! they exclaimed! It was a miracle, here in South Blythville was another small group, who had come as if guided by "The Awesome" itself to the lands of TZH.

Big Nixon greeted these lost brothers, and rushed to tell Whalberg the news. Whalberg, who of course already knew said merely: "Big, of yeah of ironically little faith. I knew of the coming of these men. For this is Duke Cage, your brother. He will become the second HorseMhan. He is one hardest of Core. There is much beat assery within him, and there is nothing about him that doth suck. Go to him Big, and tell him that he has been chosen by "The Awesome" to ride forth and save Malton from the zombies. And tell Duke that he shall forever be known now as: "The Destroyer of Douche Bags!". And so it was that Team Strike Force joined their brothers, and TZH became larger and more powerful than ever before. And so Big and Duke became fast friends, but never gay with each other, grew in friendship and ass beatery!

The Rise of Superdot

And for a time there was much ass beatery. And then there came another conflict, this one was with PKers who are naught but zombies in human skin. Betraying all that it means to Rock Hard and Be Awesome. And in this conflict the Wharriors of Whalberg were tested, in a trial by fire against the worst that Malton could offer. And it was during this time that one Wharrior in particular rose in reputation by great deeds and unwavering pwnage: superdot. And so it was the superdot was given to lead a squad of his own. It was not long until Whalberg came to superdot and said "superdot my son. You have shown yourself to be as great as I knew you would be. For when you joined us, I knew, knew that you would be badass. And so it is. And so you are my third HorseMhan! And from here until the end of time and zombies, you shall be known as "Superdot, the Sultan of Swat!".

The Dark Times - The Suck Fights Back!

As with all great things, Team Zombie Hardcore did not go unchallenged. Much as awesome things throughout history have been stricken down by those that suck, so was Team Zombie Hardcore attacked. It was not long after superdot came to know the light of Whalberg that a sinister group began to rise in the Blythvilles. These pathetic agents of popped collars and tofu-meat substitute known far and wide as the Malton Skeet Club came and began to grief the innocents of South Blythville. And so Team Zombie Hardcore did what they had to do. They took up the banners of "The Awesome" and quested against these softcored Douch Bags. And as they were Douche Bags it was most awesome that Duke Cage was the first to strike. He rode forth atop the tank he constructed with his feet: "The Polar Express To Pain" that fires brimstone and Pabst forth from its mighty cannon, laying waste to all that would stand in his way! And so the MSC war was started.

This began a dark time for TZH for in our vanity we underestimated the power of "The Suck" that was within these villains. They were crafty, and used many dark tactics to face Team Zombie Hardcore. Racist Alts were created, they posed as only posers know how, to tarnish the name of the Wharriors. They griefed, sacked cades, and did unspeakable things! The name TZH was tarnished throughout Malton. Yet still, the MSC were so terrified by the light that would banish their darkness that they traveled to the Astral Plane, and there at the Astral City of Brainstock they cried and whined for help. Taking anyone, regardless of how wicked to come and face those Hardcore Heroes that they knew they could not defeat, nor even approach themselves.

There were many battles fought after this, and the war continues to this day. The Wharriors of Whalberg will never cease in their efforts to drive the minions of suckitude from the Holy Lands.


The Jhihad!

The war with the MSC continue to intensify. Like might angels fallen from heaven so too did some of the Wharriors fall to the griefing and murderous ways of the MSC. Members of TZH whose cores were not hard enough fell to the streets, and were devoured by the ultimate agensts of "the Suck": zombies.

And in our darkest hour, when Whalberg was nowhere to be seen, there shined a shiny light. And there in the road stood a magnificent creature of unrivaled glory and machismo: BuckNaked Jihad. Like a flaming sword sent from "The Awesome" he stood naked on the streets of North Blythville. His dangling unit challenging any and all comers to die at his feet in shame. Even the Three HorseMhen were so shocked by his presence that they could not approach him. No there was but one Wharrior who had the gall to step foot in his presence and it was Scooty Puff Sr: THE DOOMBRINGER. Buck, who had recently finished eating a 12 foot long sub in just under 43 seconds faced this Hardcore Hero and knew immediately that he had found a brother long lost. Scooty Puff, bowing before Buck in reverence said these fateful words: "Awesome one, surely you are the Fourth Apostle of Whalberg, surely you are the last HorseMhan!". And indeed, in that moment "The Awesome" sent a revalation to Buck, and he knew that this was why he was created, to carry the flag of Whalberg, to be a HorseMhan, and so he replied: "Yes DOOMBRINGER, your master has spoken to me know, I am the fourth, and I shall be called: BuckNaked Jihad, the Bringer of Badass. And in my coming so begins the Jhihad!"

And it has been so, from that day forth that Team Zombie Hardcore has begun the Jhihad against those that suck in this city. And the battle fought against "The Suck" was awoken anew. It was in our darkest hour that the last HorseMhan was brough to us. Now the Team surges forth into Malton to realize their Dhestiny., and the Exile of the Awesome

As a side note, it was during the Jihad that members of Team Zombie Hardcore punched everyone in at Brainlessstock right in their minds with an awesome-nami (Think tsunami, only made of awesome). Everyone at Brainlessstock that wasn't fully stocked up in awesome was flabbergasted and didn't know how to react. At first there was bullying, but TZH didn't back down. Then there was spamming, but TZH fought back, and at last they did the only thing that impotent nerds with a modicum of power can do... they censored us. And there was no crying or gnashing of Teeth on our end. Victory has been achieved! TZH wins the day and Brainlessstock can suck a Cockstock for all we care! BALLS TO THE WHALLS! A photograph was taken and posted below, observe how is dressed up as a police officer because they think they are some kind of authority:


Too bad TZH brought the boot down upon them. GET SOME!

Hey wait a second... Brainstock... ShitStock... ShitRock... coincidence? I think not. The Awesome works in mysterious ways, these lame as chumpa-lumpas name themselves "Brainstock" and then they get their Shit ROCKED. BY MY LEG! BALLS TO THE WHALLS!

Jack's Cold Sweat and Chimera7

These douche bags are so sucky, they even get their own section. Click on that link if you think Cookie Monster rules everyone's face, if you like puppies, if you hate mosquitoes, or if you're cool.

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