The Burchell Arms Regulars/Goldenhandshake Test

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The Burchell Arms Regulars

The Snug - Crumpled Up Newspaper - Staff Cleaning Rota - Broken bottles, Painkillers & the Jukey - Syzpid's Hobby Cupboard
- No! No! The beer barrels go in the cellar! - Cabbie Sam's Dartboard (AKA The Deadbeat List) - The Burchell Arms Employee Of The Month! -
Jesus Sante's Patented Drinks & Cocktail Menu


June 1993 - Rockefella Plaza


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Rocky, 52, was nominated as Employee of the Month for June 1993 due to his unstinting devotion to cheap sherry, having disposed of 18 bottles that'd been hidden away in the Burch. Rocky likes collecting model trains, backing sheets from salted peanuts, Grattan catalogues and Thermos flasks. He is most well noted for his famous carpet slippers and Farah trousers which he wears to stunning effect. Always a ladies man, he does find wearing their smalls is most gratifying.

Voted person most likely to gnaw scrotum in his school yearbook.





May 1604 - Jesus Sante


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Sante loves the outdoors! He can often be found in his cagoule and sou'wester braving the elements. The fact he's wearing nothing else but these PVC items is a moot point! It was Sante who'd designed the menu in the Burch, having decided that gruel and oats weren't for him any more. People queue for miles around to get some fresh air when he enters the room. Favourite comic: Garfield. The one where everyone NEVER existed.

Person he'd most like to invite to a dinner party: Dwight Shultz










August 1920 - Danger Lightfoot


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Fabled Mummy's Boy, Dinger was weaned on Newcy Broon, which was a shock to his system as his Mam's milk was 90% proof. Dinger was voted Employee Of The Month as he drank Father O'Keefe's slops in a dare. Coming round three weeks later he claims the coma didn't effect him that badly; the simple fact he's now left-handed, and can't wee straight gives lie to this. It also gives him wet patches on his denim hot-pants.

Favourite Gadget: Automatic can opener

Jan 2000 - Rebecca Sensecal


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Dr Sensecal, as she insists on being called... Or is that Ms Sensecal (we just cannot handle this Mrs/Dr thing)? Becca, in honour of her ability to set bones, fix sniffles and make people whole again has been voted as employee of the month. The simple fact that the diploma from Universidad de El Salvador hasn't yet arrived to be framed, honourably, behind the Bar is something we've conveniently hidden behind what has been termed as... closed doors... Still, our resident tee-totaller is an honoured member of the BAR.

Favourite Shop: Wallis










December 1830 - Cabbie Sam


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Sam... Sam, Sam, Sam... Now where do we start with Sam? He's as hard as nails. As hard as tungsten if we're honest. But, BOY! Does he have problems with authority. That is.. if 'authority' is deadbeats and text rapists and other small-dicked ballsacks. Well, yes, YES he does. But he also has problems with directions, with understanding orders not to 'just go out and shoot the innocent' and also step-by-step instructions for Swedish furniture. Voted as Employee Of The Month out of some misguided sense of loyalty.

Favourite Holiday Destination: Scunthorpe

October 1973 - Syzpid


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GOOD GRIEF MAN! What are you doing with that HOTDOG?! That's something we once asked of the hugely barnet-ed Syz; he couldn't really answer as he had his mouth full of cheap-ass ravioli at the time. After ten minutes of committed wiping, he was presentable enough to come and order us off his land. Syz was voted employee of the month because he felt sorry for us.

Favourite Film: Mighty Ducks II










February Stardate 2525.2 - Zabuden


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SHITTING HELL! Shouted the person in charge of the Women's Institute as Zab burst past the barrier to their bring and buy sale. And we'd all agree with her. Zab would have been an Underworld Don, had he just not suffered so badly with a mild form of dyslexia. As it stands he's an Underpant Don. That's pretty harsh on his family, and that's why, in opposition of all that's good and holy, he's been voted as Employee Of The Month.

Favourite Song: Anything by the B52s

July 3000 - Alice Gravesend


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Thank GOD above for Alice Gravesend. She's a one-man anti-zerging robot from the year 3000. And she wears skimpy pants. It's for that reason, and that reason alone that Alice has been voted as our Employee of the Month.

Favourite Item of Clothing: Plastic rain hood.










11 November 1917 - Mycrof


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Mycrof was instrumental in ending the War To End All Wars, however, when he realised his carpet-fitting business would be effected by the cease-fire, he took some fairly egregious steps to start hostility once more, including forcing the Germans to sign the Treaty of Versailles, and also stop them from drinking beer for thirteen years. What an absolute bastard. For this, he was voted in as Employee Of The Month.

Favourite food: Stollen

September 1952 - Father O'Keefe


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Dear old Fr O'Keefe; much loved by children, small animals; tobacconists; serial killers and truck drivers the world over. He brings spiritual solace (hard spirits) to those in the BAR, and for that reason he achieved the Employee of the Month award. What is never mentioned is his propensity to display his wrinkly ballsack to all and sundry and claim it's just due to Alzheimers.

Favourite Phrase: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell."










Mayo 1986 - Dani Do


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Dani is Dinger's flat mate, but she's not flat! Luckily for the Burchell Arms Regulars this hasn't led to a cacophony of lies, untruths, sophistry, fallacies and deceit; no, as a matter of fact, Dani is extremely forthright in her views, and has upset griefers all around by describing them as "sad, unhappy little men, stuck in their bedsits, furiously tapping out their messages of fury, impotent and enfeebled". She enjoys collecting milk bottle tops, but has been baulked by Tetra-Pak, so much so that the Rausing family have taken out a restraining order against her.

Favourite biscuit: Custard Cream











Oktober 1966 - Ed Zeplin


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Ed, age 18 was shy, nervous and gauche around women, who often kicked sand in his face. Often they'd bring the sand from the nearest beach, 60 miles away in order to ensure he got a good sandy kick. Then Ed discovered what happened whenever he licked the end of a battery. Now, he's still nervous and gauche, but has a slight twitch.

Ed was voted Employee of the Month as part of his course of therapy.

Favourite Philosopher: Emmanuel Kant.










July 1979 - John Holmes X


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John is the BAR's resident terpsichorean ecdysiast; he loves to perform contemporary dance for enraptured colleagues who look on, slack-jawed; possibly the leotard and tights have something to do with it. It's never nice seeing a flying chipolata.

Favourite period of history: The Luddite Rebellion.











Watch out for next month's Employee Of The Month Award; an award awarded monthly to the best employee of the month.


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