The Church Of The Beyonder

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The Church Of The Beyonder are no longer active. Its group page is preserved for archival purposes. Please do not edit this page. This group was reported inactive on 13:56, 16 July 2010 (BST) Not Inactive?

The Holy Orthodox Church Of The Eternal Chalice of The Immortal God-Pimp The Beyonder

The Church Of The Beyonder
L a19b53a4ecc2b4d0488c9b7191fc58cd.jpg
Abbreviation: COTB
Group Numbers: 30, Plus (X) Amount of Outsiders
Leadership: The Eternal Pimp, The Exalted Perm, The Ho-Riffic Specific Kalifik, The Beyonder
Goals: Pimpin Ho's, both Dead and Alive, and Adhering to the Six Rules of Pimping
Recruitment Policy: Open to All players
Contact: We'll call you

Reports From The Block

November 14th, a day which will live in imfamy Wee are disbanding the Church. The Beyonder has gotten us Glorious Call Of Duty MW2 preorders, with Night Vision Goggles. We are too busy peeping at each others mom's in the bushes and pwning on He Who Eats The Apples Of Your Girl's Trees online. Farewell! Im nominating for historical shits, cuz we dont care about history rockrockrocknrollhighschool.--Paedobear 05:07, 15 November 2009 (UTC) November whatever the hell it is We all got lives out of the game and moved on, I got 6 of us back into it but we will see how long this lasts. Pimpslapping, hos, bitches, glocks, KFC, etc. etc. mehhh --Paedobear 07:26, 3 November 2009 (UTC) May 28th, 2008- All goes well, my children! I will enter Battle with you at Fort Perryn as planned. Only the lowly-levelled Gorkamork has had any problems with The Many-Crusty And Second-Rate Undying Ho's of The Wannabe Pimps. User:Mark Whalberg approaches, I can feel The Awesome emanating from His Holy Crotchplace! WE SHALT SMITE THE UPPITY BITCHES WIF DA POWAH COSMIC! BALLS TO THA WHALLS!!!!!!!!! --TheBeyonder 22:42, 28 May 2008 (BST) May 26th, 2008- Jihad on the glorious Southern Cross[1] that has appeared due to His Will. Obviously Our Dear Leader is pleased at our PKing of The Imperium, and has rewarded us with this Phenomenon. Make your way down VIA The Surveyor's Road and of course Kill everything in sight! --JheriCurlDrip 21:39, 26 May 2008 (BST)

May 24th, 2008-Per order of He Who Eats Ho's Children Alive, all Imperial territories are declared "Morgarg-durlurk-gulskar-dregsnikslag" and are now divided among all non-lame PK Groups. AHA! --Thesurveyor 03:59, 25 May 2008 (BST)

May 23rd, 2008- Ahh, my muthaphuckin Children, those pussyfarting Butthole-eaters by tha name of The Imperium are nowhere to be found in Dulston. Those Angrobitch He-Bitch Playa Hataz must have Fled from us, no doubt in part due to our Glorious Pimpitude. Also, Whatsup to my BFF Marky Mark BALLS TO THA MUTHAPHUCKIN WHALLS! GO GIT YOURS PLAYAZ, COZ IMA GIT MINES!!!!!AHA BITCH!----The Holiest Of Ho-Lies, He Who Stalks The Stars, The Slapper Of Ho's, The Beater Of Bitches, He Who Has Tha Power Of Pimp! May 23rd 2008, 12:20 PM (BST)

May 21st, 2008- Well, it looks as if The Imperium is a bunch of Sillynanny Doofuses yet again! One of our Special Ops Codename "Samuel L. Jackson" has entered one of the Imperial Safehouses... Wait for the signal, Gork! ---- The Surveyor May 21st, 2008 13:07 (BST)

May 15th, 2008- Thanks to J-Roy, WE HAVE RECOVERED THE RELIC! THE JIHAD ordered for Dulston due in part of a Vial of The Beyonder's Sacred Jheri Curl Juice sighted there is over. The Glorious Jheri Curl Juice of His Mane has been recovered, and put in The Cathedral Of The Ho-liest Of Ho-lies in expectation of His Return.

Beliefs of The Church

The Holy Guide To Keepin It Real, By The Beyonder.
The Church Of The Beyonder believes that prior to the Zombie outbreak in Malton there were many historical contacts with a Divine and Omnipotent Being known as The Beyonder. The most recent time The Beyonder came to Earth was thus: The Beyonder came (or returned) to Earth, and, seeing the potential for Pimpin Bitches, created the Original Outsiders, whose task it was to make the perfect Red Kool Aid for their master. Unfortunately, one of their Kool Aid mixtures was too Crunk, and killed all of the test subjects, only to re-animate them once again.

The Beyonder, upon seeing this, imparted his followers with the Six Rules Of Pimping in order to help them continue "gettin theirs" despite the fact that their ho's were rotting corpses. He then climbed back into his Cadillac Car, and drove off to find more Irons to Perm his Great Mane.

The Coming Of The Beyonder

Religious texts maintain that The Beyonder came on a crisp, clear day at 4:19 PM, on a rainbow that descended from Mars. He was driving a Pink Cadillac, with Chuck Berry and 2 Llamas in the backseat, and a Overgrown Banana Slug Eating 3 Pies in The Front Seat. Sources differ on what color the Caddy was- Orthodox Beyondites claim it was Baby Blue with Zebra stripes, while The Outsiders claim it was Pink, like His eyes.

What is agreed on is that he taught the Human race how to farm watermelons. His next act was to teach Blacksmiths how to mine and produce gold, silver, and platinum. Then, he gave the Human Race the gift of Hydraulics for our cars, and Jheri Curls For Our hairs. Virgins were sacrificed to him the world over, and the world was good.

Then, he brought the wonders of Pimping to the world. It was this tool that motivated ALL progress in the world, the simple fact that for a small fee men (and women) could be satisfied. The SEX INDUSTRY was born, and it was So, So Good.

After His Prophets Mac Dre and 2Short Created His Church, the Golden Age Began.


Then, Terror Came.

Mac Dre and 2Short

Mac Dre, the now-deceased Bay Area Rapper, befriended The Beyonder and followed his creed. In return, The Beyonder appointed him The Right Pimphand of God, a respected honor. He traveled the world, preaching His Word, and smacking uppity bitches with His Hand. The Cult of The Right Hand of Him was born, the predecessor to The Church Of The Beyonder.

The Tenents Of The Church.

Around the same time, the Rapper 2Short was making his Grand Pimp-gramage to Mecca Strip Club. On the way, The Beyonder appeared to him as the "Burning Bush," a red-haired Hooker's exceptionally long crotch-fro. From her loins sprung The Divine Pimprod Of Nod, making 2Short the leader of The Cult of The Sepulcher Of His Bitches. 2Short then went about the world, Speaking His Word, and bashing customers that were short of their fees.


During the holiday of Free Ted Bundy, the two Prophets met while preaching to their respected flock. The Two were denouncing each other's Words, calling one another Liars and False-ifiers. Then The Beyonder, Him who Cracks Beers With His Many Bitch's Tongue Rings, came to them in All of His Glory, and they were Joyous. After that, the Pimpcult of The Right Hand of Him and The Cult of The Sepulcher of His Bitches joined in The Grand Funk Railroad Union, thus creating both The Church Of The Beyonder and 8 tracks.

The Age of Strife

There was a Golden Age in the land after His Church was born. The Crops Grew Strong, the Ho's and bitches grew fast grazing on the range, and Pimps everywhere had Frankensteins and Murr. Then, suddenly a Great Spell fell over the Earth. The Beyonder left this world, promising that whoever Had Smoketh The Herb would join him. He appointed 8 Apostles to serve the Human race in his absence, granting these Heralds the gifts of his Glovebox. Humanity chose to worship "False Gods" like Allah, Satan, Jesus, and The Flying spaghetti Monster, unaware that these Deities were just fragments of He Who Leans and Rock With It. Many wars were fought, many plagues fell on the Human race, and chaos ruled.

The Beyonder In Action In The Age Of Strife, Taking care Of Uppity Bitches.

The Second Coming

With the Ascension of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett into the Boston Celtics hall of fame, He Who Eats The Chicken had returned. He set about making the Perfect drink, for he was thirsty. His scientists experimented with Red Kool Aid, trying to make the Perfect "red drink."

Eventually the Undead were born, and He Who Fucks Bitches In The Ass was displeased. His Apostles and Him went into battle, where The Blessing Of The Perm occurred. The Red Kool Aid Chalice of Pimpery, with the secret elixir that could cure Necrosis, was lost in Malton. The High Lord Snoop Dogg was imprisoned for marijuana possession and fuckin' Lindsay Lohan.

Mark Whalberg and TZH

In The Glorious And Radical Gospel Of Hardcore Men, the story of The Hardcore Union is told. According to The Church, The Beyonder was transversing time and space, kicking ass and pimping bitches, when he came upon Mark Whalberg, a Sun-God who had been created prior to He Who Ghost Rides Da Whip. The Beyonder, who had battled Greater Tentacular Pokemonsters in The Land Of Lame, and had laid eyes on the Putrid Harem Of Androgobitches on Planet Clitoria Phallus, never flinching nor hesistant, was nonetheless stunned by Mark Whalberg's engery and lifeforce.

Mark, who sensed the raw Hardcore and Awesomeness, did challenge He Who Cripwalks In Puff Daddy's House to a series of Hardcore Quests, believing him worthy of sharing his place on The Throne Of Awesomeness.

The Beyonder travelled to strange worlds and alternate realms, doing Mortal Kombat with various Powers of The Lame. He did rage and beat, and There Was Wailing and Gnashing of Teefuses, but in the end, He was found Awesome.

At that moment, he was elevated to Pimp of The Awesome, destined to sit alongside Mark Whalberg to rule over The Universe, and the ability to Smack Bitches With The Power Awesome. The two Cults of Team Zombie Hardcoreand The Church of The Beyonder Did celebrate long and hard, with much Harcore BBQing And Hardcore Dance Dance Revolution, and there was peace in Malton, except for the Zombies because they are Lame. And this picture was taken, forever cementing the Two Deitie's status as BBF. BFF.JPG

Tenents of The Church

There is one God-Pimp, the Supreme Pimp.

All Bitches is Ho's.

Mark Whalberg is not Our Pimp-God, but he's a close second.

Tuesday is the new Friday.

Wednesday is the new Saturday.

The Most Exalted One and First Captain Paedobear Doing Battle With The Red Kool Aid Drinkers.

All Ho's is Bitches.

All jokes made must be irrelevant and interchangable with one's plot.

Herman Munster is to be the Object Of Beauty.

Gall Bladders are to be removed every 4th Of July, and replaced with an avocado.

Baby Seals are to be Clubbed, not Stirred.

The Perm is now the Patron Hairdo of Pegton. Dulston is the Jheri Curl.

Black people are funnier than White people, especially Jewish men.

Thousand Island Sauce is just Ketchup and Mayonnaise

Rock Does Not Beat Scissors. Gun Beats Scissors.

There Is No Sex in The Champagne Room.

A picture of The Beyonder

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The Six Rules Of Pimping

Just before leaving Malton, the Apostles asked The Beyonder what the secrets of Pimping were. The Beyonder scribbled a few lines on a McZed's burger wrapper with his favorite ho's lipstick. This list is known as The Six Rules Of Pimpin, and is greatly held in the eyes of true Believers. It is held onto by The Holiest Of Ho-Lies, the Chosen Ho of The Outsiders.

1. Keep thy Pimp Hand Strong. (this is believed as holding large quantities of pistols, fireaxes , and shotguns

2. Ima Git Mines. ( This is believed as pking is considered a part of Pimpin, but not necissary)

The Holiest Rules Of Pimping, At The Basillica Of Hooking.

3. All Bitches is Ho's. (This is believed as kill all undead if possible)

4. (There is no Rule four)

5. Do you think Vida Guerra's ass is bangin? I do. (This is believed as help others if necessary, and also to worship Vida's ass as perfection)

6. Hataz Suck a Fat nutt. (Kill Rivals, and Bounty Hunt if desired)

7. Go head playa, protect ya neck. (Barricade when possible, keep Harems protected)

And Of Course, Bitches BETTER Give You That money.

Or else.

You smack them. WIF DA POWAH AWESOME (formerly DA POWAH COSMIC).


The 8 Apostles Of The Mack

There are 8 Apostles to the Church, the first 8 Humans that came to The Beyonder's side when he pulled up to Malton. Each Apostle is evoked when committing an act they are Patron Saints of. Last pimper.JPG THE WHUPPIN APOSTLE. (aka LORD OF GUTSMASHING, THE SUPREME HEADKICKER) - Chuck Norris- Chuck Norris was the first to learn the Art of Pwnage from The Beyonder. He is the Patron Saint of killing, and Owning.He Is The Patron of Firefighters. He also founded The Outsiders to better serve The Master Plan.

The Beyonder found most Apostles, but not Chuck. Thats not how Chuck Rolls.


Chuck found Him.


THE APOSTLE OF CRACKROCKS. (aka THE ANGELDUST ANGEL) - Old Dirty Bastard- Old Dirty Bastard (ODB) is Master Of The Divine Pimplore. He is The Patron Saint of Pimpology. Patron Saint of Medics. This Fallen Soldier was rescued from heaven by The Beyonder. ODB called him, asking for his help escaping, because there were "No drugs in HERE!???"


THE BRAINIAC BITCH APOSTLE. (aka THE HIGHWATERED ONE) - Urkel- Urkel is the Patron Saint of Science and Nerds. He is the Guardian of Red Kool Aid Mixers ( Necrotech Pimps) This nerd was bullied by The Beyonder constantly at Ryan Seacrest High School.


THE HYPHYCACAPOOPOOCALAWEEWEEDUMMYSTOOPID APOSTLE (aka THIS MUTHAPHUCKA HERE) - The Baby From the TV Show Dinosaurs- The Patron Saint of Newbies. His phrase " Not The Momma" is evoked when Newbies need help with a subject. Zombie Lifecultists. This puppet was re-animated by 20,000 pills of ecstacy The Beyonder threw out of his car, after the LAPD tailed him. His subsequent beating video was broadcast on the 9-0'clock News, causing National Riots, in which Todd Bridges got a new TV.


THE TENTACLED RAPING APOSTLE. (aka THE GREAT TANGLECUNT) - Cthulu- The Patron Saint of Smoking Headies. He is the Patron Sain of Doctors. This Inter-dimensional being was shat out of The Beyonder after eating a 7-11 Hot Dog.


THE STINKFACE DIRTY APOSTLE. (aka CROOKED MOON) - Jackie Chan- The Patron Saint of Zed killings. He is The Patron of Privates. He was once an illegal immigrant about to be deported by the INS for living in a Sweatshop in Chinatown, Mississipi. The Beyonder rescued him using Suicide Al-Quaeda Action Figures, escaping from the Chinese Illegal Internment Camp in Klux-Klansville, Kentucky.


THE BUTTBUNGLER APOSTLE. (aka THE ANDROGOBITCH) - Chris Crocker- The Patron Saint of Ho's. He/She is the Patron Saint of consumers. He/She was once a Slaveho owned by Pimp-Overseer Britney Queers. The Beyonder did battle with the vile Pimp-Overseer at Jaba's Palace, finally destroying the enemy by depressing The Evil Pimp-Overseer with tales of Mark Hamil's shitty acting career.


THE OLDER ELDER APOSTLE. (aka THE MOTHBALL SMELLING CHIMPANZEE-MAN)- Alexander Graham Bell- The Patron Saint of Radios. Policemen worship him as the Creator of The Calls. He was brought forward in time by Bill and Ted, and The Beyonder bought the Primitive He-bitch from the absent-minded Crackaz for 3 grams of Heroin.

Adherences And Policies

BALLS TO THA WHALLS HARDCORE ACTION

The Imperium Must Die

Protect Our Hookers

(Some) Barricade Policies

McZed's Supporters

Preach The Gospel Of Pimpage to ALL.

Kill Everything but Your Homies.

Heal Friendly Survivors.

Thumb pimpslap.gif Keep Yo Bitch In Check!
"Bitch, Where My Revives At?!"

This Group Will Smack An Uppity Griefer.

Zombie hooker.jpg Zombie Hookers
"Pimpin Aint Easy, 'Specially If They're Dead."

This Group Supports Using Zombie Hookers.

Hat.jpg Honor Among Thieves
This user supports the
Honor Among Thieves Policy.
Fred sanford pimpin.jpg Pimping For Real Group
"Pimpin Aint Easy."

This Group is a Pimping Group and Supports The Malton Pimping industry.

Whoopass.jpg Protect Ya Neck, Fool!
"Protect Ya Neck"

This Group is a Protectionist Group and Supports Revenge Pk'ing.

Jihad1 380.jpg Jihad Bitch!
"Weed Ain't The Only Thing Burnin Here!"

This Group is a Religious Fundamentalist Group and Supports Crusades/Jihads.

Petoriagif.GIF Secession
"Sometimes, its just gotta happen."

This Group is a Secessionist Group and Supports Separatists.

Munsterz.JPG Zombie Reintegration
"They Can Still Be Useful..."

This Group Supports Zombie Reintegration Programs.

The 9th Apostle

Amongst The Outsiders, there is a 9th Apostle, Gary coleman. He secretly led The Beyonder away from the Undead Scourge that had overtaken his Pimplair and in thanks, The Beyonder Ascended him to Pimphood. Gary Coleman is the Unknown Apostle, the Patron Saint of Free Running, Scouts and Spying.

-Gary-coleman.jpg


Jihads

Avatar1212.JPG Take the Shot! Take The Shot!
"In Urban Dead, Just Like Real Life, Nerds Get It First."

This Group is Active During The Imperium Must Die Campaign, And Probably Made A Fanboy Cry.

Allies

-The Outsiders Militant Order of The Church Started By Chuck Norris

-THE GLORIOUS AND EXALTED Team Zombie Hardcore, FOR WE ARE BUT TWO HEADS OF THE SAME HARDCORE HYDRA OF AWESOMENESS

-All Involved In The Cleansing

Haters

The Imperium This Aint Warhammer 40k, now The Beyonder does have a 2,000 Pt Iron Warriors force, but that's outside of Malton in here its all about zombies, not Chaos.

Contact info

If you wish to join this group, Leave a message below and we Shall ask our exalted Apostles if you are worthy.

  • HAHA I love this, I'm joinin this shit! Can I?--JheriCurlDrip 01:04, 22 May 2008 (BST)Jheri Curl Drip
  • Lol This Is Hilarious !!! --Smith606 21:49, 26 May 2008 (BST)
  • Wow, finally I can "help" all of the Little Children Of Malton! --Paedobear 02:16, 30 May 2008 (BST)

And to all the haters...

suck a fat one.

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