The Petorians

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The Petorians
Abbreviation:
Group Numbers: 34
Leadership: unknown
Goals: unknown
Recruitment Policy: unknown
Contact: unknown

Disclaimer: This article is intended as a satirical take on The Pretorians and should not be taken seriously by anyone. This article has no affiliation with the Pretorians, the Griffin family, or reality.


The Petorians are an organized group of survivor players. They were created for satirical purposes by some users of Slashdot.org as a response to what some members felt were exaggerated claims made by The Pretorians; as one player put it, "We can make things up too, and no one will be able to complain. Hahaha!"

Membership as of middle September 2005 stands at 34 Petorians who have carefully been culled from more than a hundred Slashdotters, and interested/qualified applicants, who have signed up for the game so far.

Group Statements on their Missions

NOTE: The following are 100% true.

The Petorians' tagging sign is "--00--", and allegedly the reversed "--00--" is supposed to be an indication that a mission is about to begin in a particular place. The group uses mission titles that are unintentionally silly but in the incorrect military format to appear less militaristic.

Mission: Newborn Panda

On September 9th, 2005, the Petorians began a pre-emptive counter-offensive on the undead in Malton, working closely with the USMC and Santa Claus. Utilising state-of-the-art metagaming techniques from Sweden, the Petorians single-handedly killed all the zombies in Malton twice within thirty seconds. In particular, the zombie group known as the Many was made to explode, and rained delicious candies down upon the streets of Malton. For seven years afterwards, the Petorians were celebrated in word and song, and to this very day you can find the mile-high, solid gold statues that were constructed in their honour.

Some groups claim that none of this actually happened, but their statements have been dismissed as post-emptive brainwashing counter-offensives made of taffy.

Mission: Lady Luck

On September 10th, 2005, this high-powered pinstripe mission was executed over the course of several months by several groups (some unwittingly) and coordinated by the Petorians, who gained their valuable metagaming insight from a sacred engraving of the Virgin Mary.

Mission: Lady Luck was a 100% successful attempt to build a rainbow bridge to the moon, so that the Petorians could feast upon the succulent cheeses the moon is formed of and thus gain superpowers. However, they were hampered in this endeavour by the machinations of the evil Baron von Wigmonster, whose gargantuan hairpiece (gathered from Satan's armpit by the wizard-lords of Krun) devoured all of Los Angeles before he was driven back to his subterranean lair by the power of love.

Immediately after the victory party, the Petorians began Missions: Cat's Pajamas and Bee's Knees.

Mission: Cat's Pajamas

On September 12th, 2005, the Petorians coordinated and enacted a multiple-front offensive-defensive pre-emptive counter-strike in Malton. It was a direct follow-up to the events of Mission: Lady Luck.

With the foul Baron von Wigmonster hiding somewhere in the jungles of Eastern Romania, the Petorians were free to divert their attention to Malton. Once again the dead had begun to rise, and only the Petorians and their super-powered pet armadillo could stop them. By cunning use of toothpicks and a travelling band of rambunctious lesbian jugglers, the Petorians turned all of the zombies into fluffy kittens that everyone loved.

Each Petorian gained ten billion XP as a result of this heroic action, and spent all the points on buying a car once owned by John Lennon.

Mission: Bee's Knees

At exactly the same time Mission: Cat's Pajamas was being enacted, Mission: Bee's Knees came into play as a multi-coordinated, pre-counter emptive-offensive with defensive capabilities and subtle variations on a theme of "trust". It involved every survivor in Malton, whether they realise it or not. Really.

After discovering a map to the fabled lost city of El Dorado inside a jam sandwich, the secretive (and handsome) Finding Lost Cities caste of the Petorians sprang into action. Within minutes they had located the lost city, all thanks to a mild-mannered wizard who owned the world's largest collection of spectacles. The result of completing this epic quest was that the Petorians now knew the true meaning of Christmas, and spread joy and cheer to the children of Malton.

Mission: Fission

On September 17th, 2005, the Petorians launched their largest mission to date. It was both an offensive and a defensive, pre- and post-emptive, with coordinated and arranged aspects integrated by a team of skilled mechanics. It is widely considered by everybody in the world to be the finest example of metagaming ever.

At a pre-arranged signal, timed the the very nanosecond by Professor Humphrey L. Steinbergenstein (the eminent Jewish psychologist), the Petorians instantly became ninjas. The known death count of this operation was fifty hojillion, but they were all mean people so nobody minded. The post-mission debriefing was a fun time had by all, with plenty of cake and biscuits for everyone.

Mission: Duck Duck Goose

On September 21st, 2005, the Petorians caused world peace. The shocking fallout from this sensational act has yet to hit the Urban Dead community.

Mission: Thunder in Paradise

On September 21st, 2005, mere seconds after causing world peace, the Petorians engaged in a mysterious subterfuge in order to entrap a world-famous jewel thief, as sexy as she is dangerous. Making good use of pre-emptive metagaming offensives, the Petorians succeeded in saving the day and making contact with a race of peaceful alien explorers. This adventure can be bought in audio book format from all good stores.

Mission: Caribbean Cruise

On September 23rd, 2005, the Petorians ruled the school for approximately sixteen minutes. For completion of this task they were all awarded giant novelty sunglasses and a packet of ketchup apiece.

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