The Pluto Press

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The Pluto Press

Newspaper DORIS.jpg

Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS

Current Issue

NEVAR FORGET News
Sooper Sekret Special
Why You Need Moar DORIS
Sig of the Issue
Religion in Malton

NEVAR FORGET News

  • Man Worries About Neighbors
    • Edgecombe resident, George Wallen, has expressed his concern for his neighbors. "I haven't seen Bill or Marianne in well over three years. I'm beginning to worry." George claims that he still hears them making noises from inside their house but that they refuse to leave. "I suspect that they may be having some marital problems," said George as he looked out his window at their residency.
  • Lord Moloch Declares Himself Creator of Everything
    • Papa of the RRF, Lord Moloch, has just released a press conference where he introduced his new book: Why I Am Right, Have Always Been Right, And How I Went About Making Everything Myself Because I Am Amazing. In this book he declares himself "Creator of Everything", most notably the RRF, Barhah, and zombies in general.
  • Garviel Loken: "I Was Wrong"
    • Everyone else: "Tell us something we don't know."
  • Zombies Tour Malls
    • It's the time of year again when zombies get together on the bus to tour the various malls of the city. But this year is different than others. The tour has its 4th mark, making it the oldest zombie get together. But what can these geriatric zombies really do? One survivor in Blesley Mall stated, "I'm not expecting much. Maybe a couple of groans. Old people groan a lot...or is it moan?"
  • Imperium Violently Annexes Santlerville!!!
    • Natives of Santlerville awoke to a roar as the might of the Emperor shook the very land that the Imperium Space Marines walked upon. Spaceships flew from the east and bombed he Beavers' damns into oblivion. Inquisitors interrogated little girls on what color panties they wore. When the battle was over the Imperium clearly decimated Santlerville. Only rubble of the suburb remain.
  • Attention Whore Marries Someone Nobody Cares About
    • In a picturesque marriage that the bride's mother would have wanted for her, the bride and groom tied the knot somewhere. Many survivors dressed in their White Suits of Armor came to watch the text of one attention whore marrying someone nobody cares about. Each Knight dressed in White congratulated the Attention Whore and praised her for her obvious good looks. She was quoted saying, "I'm just so happy that everyone here is getting along!"
  • Man Feels Hungry
    • Over three years after the quarantine was put into effect, a man from Yagoton feels...hungry. When he went outside to the local super market he realized there was none. Even more to his surprise was the lack of food anywhere. "How have I been surviving?!", shouted the man. "I haven't eaten in over three years and there's no food left!"
  • Blane Shoots Self, Declares Victory
    • The legendary PKer known as Blane shot himself on accident while gleefully gnawing on the barrel. Assuming that there were people standing around that cared he announced that he was fine and triumphed over the bullet. "This in another victory for me!", he announced to no one in particular. "I have blown a hole out of my right cheek and survived. Nothing can stop me." He then promptly declared war on firearms.

Sooper Sekret Special

DORIS is...Dead?

With the dangerous lack of DORIS rising in our fair city, this reporter noticed the decline in survivors. A flowchart was then drawn up to show how the moar DORIS you have the more likely you are to stay alive. But is this enough to save humanity? Canderous Ordo refused to comment but said that as long as people fly the DORIS flag, which coincidently looks like the Guyanan Flag, there will always be DORIS. He then predicted that someone will die in the next month worthy of honoring.

Why You Need Moar DORIS

You need more DORIS because...

  • You're the angel of the morning
  • You want your cheek touched before he leaves
  • You need to be waken up before she go-go's
  • Just like the white wing dove sings a song
  • It sounds like she's singing
  • You're walking on sunshine
  • You hate boxxy

Sig of the Issue

DORIS Global Warming.png

Global Warming is a DORIS term for Jihad, or Holy War. As a Destroyer of Worlds, Global Warming would be declared on suburbs like Santlerville to increase carbon production and Green House Gases. Global Warming's title is Myth of the Populat. Its duties as Myth include, but are not limited to: making people believe it doesn't exist.

Religion in Malton

By: TheUnremarkableHulk

There are many different religious beliefs in Malton, and this reporter went deep undercover to sift through the layers of religious dogma to provide our readers with an unbiased account of religion in Malton so that they might make an informed decision on which collection of crazy stories to believe.

  • Church of Kevan - These nutjobs think that Malton is some sort of universe unto itself and was created by some guy named Kevan. Sounds like a load of bull to me.
  • Christianity - Believe some Jewish dude died and came back to life, which is complete and utter nonsense. Has anyone in Malton ever died and come back to life? No. End of story.
  • Protestantism - A branch of Christianity whose dogma is centered around sexual repression and disliking foreigners.
  • Catholicism - Bunch of bloody drunks. There's a reason people burn Catholic effigies on Guy Fawkes Day... something about traitorous gunpowder or some such nonsense.
  • Cult of the Stuffed Crocodile - These guys find stuffed crocodiles and sit around worshiping them. To their credit, they can prove that stuffed crocodiles exist. To their discredit, Pluto isn't a crocodile.
  • Judaism - No one knows what the hell Jews believe these days. Not even Jews do, and they should be ashamed of themselves for forgetting their rich religious heritage. At least, that's what their mother told me last week when I asked her what the hell Jews believe. She also told me to ask them why they never call.
  • The Imperial Creed - They believe they were sent by some God-Emperor. You know who else believed in a God-Emperor? Romans. And you know what their emperors did? In certain cases, they had sex with donkeys. Ipso facto, the Imperium's God-Emperor fucks donkeys.
  • Buddhism - I don't like their statues. Fat guys shouldn't be that happy; they should be burying their shame under another bag of Cheetos.
  • Sons of Pluto - Finally, someone with the good sense to worship a silicate body flying through space at the edge of the solar system. These guys have got their heads on their shoulders.
  • Paganism - They worship personifications of nature representing cultural values completely alien to humans in the modern West. I don't see how you could possibly phrase that in any way that would make it seem absolutely ridiculous. Besides, with Ron Burgundy gone, shouting Odin's name as you rush into battle is so 2007.
  • Zombie Religions - How the hell should I know what the rotting bastards believe? You can barely understand the buggers. When do I get paid?

The Winner - The Sons of Pluto, duh. Who wants to worship some homeless Mexican named Jesús?

Old Issues

The Pluto Press Issue 1

The Pluto Press Issue 2

The Pluto Press Issue 3

The Pluto Press Issue 4

The Pluto Press Issue 5

The Pluto Press Issue 6

The Pluto Press Issue 7

The Pluto Press Issue 8

The Pluto Press Issue 9

The Editor

Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat

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