The Pluto Press Issue 3

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The Pluto Press

Newspaper DORIS.jpg

Current Issue | Old Issues | The Editor | DORIS

Current Issue

NEVAR FORGET News
Sooper Sekret Special
Why You Need Moar DORIS
Sig of the Issue
Malton in Review

NEVAR FORGET News

  • Soviets Invading Georgia Leads To South Rising Again
    • In a confirmed report from the Kremlin, located near Cairo, the Soviet Union invaded the sovereign state of Georgia. Many Southerners trapped in Malton are outraged, flying Rebel Flags, chewing and spitting out tobacco, and drinking excessive amounts of moonshine. One Good Ol' Boy from Atlanta spoke to our field reporter in Athens, the former Greek City State that fell to The Spartans, saying "Now, firs' it was 'dem damn Yanks and now it 'dem damn Reds. My granddaddy left me an' my six brothers and twelve sisters a Winchester jus' in case this happen." Our translator was able to make sense of his statement, saying "He was both upset and outraged, feeling remorse and the need for unnecessary revenge."
  • The Lost City of Dunell Hills
    • In a rare glimpse into the red suburb, archaeologists from the University of New Baghdad were able to find evidence that the suburb once supported life. One scientist was enthusiastic enough to speak with us on the discovery. "It's like nothing we've ever seen before. We have proof of an ancient civilization that used to live here in our very own city. Now we're not sure what kind of creatures could survive in such a hostile environment but we believe that some sort of extinct species of reptiles used to walk up right, policing the area. Some of the artifacts make reference to some obscure leader named Conndraka, which translate to King of the Dragons according to our texts. It's so very exciting!" Exciting indeed.
  • Your Children May Be At Risk
    • A recent investigation shows children and teenagers sneaking out after dark to schools and libraries to read. Reading is dangerous to the minds of youths and can desensitize them to peace. Reading does almost nothing for youths while pure unadultered violence can improve a young one's skills. So talk with your child and explain to him why firearms and axes are better than literature.
  • EMLN: Pancake Group of the Dulston Alliance
    • Yes, you heard it here first. A leak in the FBI, KGB, and USAI has provided evidence of a EMLN and DA coordination attempt. Bottles of syrup, butter packs, powder sugar, and a sweet aroma was found in their possession. An on-going investigation is on-going.
  • "I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me"
    • Spai Fever is ravaging across Malton. Survivor Leaders in Malton want to remind everyone that spais are everywhere. Look over your shoulder several times before entering or exiting a safehouse because someone may be watching. Your grandmother, your dog Sparky, your high school sweetheart, and even your Pope for you Vatican Voodoo followers. Also remember not to talk about survivor movements. Just because you can't understand a zombie does not mean that it cannot understand you. Loose Lips Sink Safehouses. Literally, safehouses will fall into the water and sink.
  • Man Eats Fist
    • Last week the world watch in astonishment as the Pitneybank native, Desmond Styles, ate his own fist on live television. The Late Night TV Crue and the Radio Survivor covered the story for days. Today, in a rare stroke of luck we were able to secure and interview with the rebel rouser and non-conformist. Unfortunately all our questions were answered with an "Unnngghhh", "Uggggggghhhh", or a strange gagging noise followed by tears and bile being force out around his arm, which is still protruding from his mouth.

This Just In!: Desmond Styles has died in an unfortunate accident. Apparently he choked to death on his own vomit and suffocated. Rakuen, a native of Quarlesbank, has announced his plans to beat the late Desmond's record by eating both his fists.

  • Fort Creedy Gang-Rape Scandal
    • Military Police have just arrested several Junior Officers and the Commanding Officer of the Creedy Defence Force, the main military force behind the survivor presence in the Fort. They are accused of violently assaulting new recruits and quote "pretty boys" who stay overnight in the Fort. Most civilians of Pitneybank commented on the scandal calling them "Sickos", "Deranged Hill Billies", and even "Pederests".

Sooper Sekret Special

8/24 - NEVAR FORGET!: Already Forgotten?

It is a sad day when Heathens walk the streets and pray in their false idol worshiping Cathedrals while devout Sons of Pluto must hide or else face persecution. It is because of this that the second mourniversary of our Lord Pluto must be done in sekret...sooper sekret. For the followers of Pluto please be aware of the following message: "Jean has a large Mustache." I repeat: "Jean has a large Mustache." Also note: "Alphy has a vagina." Repeat: "Alphy has a vagina." With that in mind the targets for this 8/24 are New Baghdad, the Steve Irwin Statue, the Cemetery, the NRA Building, the Hole in the Ozone Layer, and the place where George Carlin was shut down for cursing, fuck shit cunt tits, etc.

More sooper sekret news of this week:

  • If you are playing The Game: Congratulations! You just lost.
  • Kill Skritz
  • Making fun of handicapped people is fun since they can't chase after you.
  • Apparently making fun of handicapped people can get you sued.
  • I owe some fuck with crutches over $20 million because of emotional damages

Why You Need Moar DORIS

You need more DORIS because...

  • It's almost 8/24 and you NEVAR FORGET
  • You want to travel Malton
  • Your calender is empty and needs to be filled up with those neat little Holiday! stickers that came with it
  • You realize that some people just take the game way too seriously
  • You got the power
  • Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? Ooh heaven is a place on Pluto. They say in heaven love comes first. We'll make heaven a place on Pluto. Ooh heaven is a place on Pluto.
  • You want to make that previous reason to rhyme better

Sig of the Issue

ShaZam DORIS.jpg

Sha Zam was a master of touching little boys who joined DORIS around the time of the spread of Global Warming in Santlerville. His natural ability to be a horrible super hero helped DORIS spread ozone destroying spray cans to little children, when he was of course not trying to rape them. Sha Zam's title is Pedophile of the Populat. His duties as Pedophile include, but not limited to: touching little boys, raping little boys, felching little boys, molesting little boys, giving hugs to little boys, kissing little boys, hiding the bodies of dead little boys, and of course catering food to all DORIS sponsored events. He can make one helluva Veal Parmigiana with Red Wine.

Malton in Review

Our field investigators went to various places throughout Malton to find the best places for you to travel to. Some of these places are well known, while others are obscure little gems hiding in unknown corners of Malton. On the other hand, our agents of the truth went to places that some would call "dives" and what others would call "shit stains". Here is a list and reviews of the places that they visited:

  • City Zoo - Many residents of Ketchelbank take pride in having the only zoo in Malton within their borders. This 4x5, 20-block behemoth stands tall, as if providing covering over the northern part of the suburb. However, beyond first impressions the previous description is far from the truth. When you first walk into the Zoo you'll notice the lack of any actual animals. If there are no animals for you to ride through the streets of a post-apocalyptic city then what other point does the Zoo serve? None. Without Bear Cavalry you're not pretty much fucked. You're the opposite. You're unfucked. And unfucking enemies isn't very fun. The Zoo has nothing to offer. If you happen to be in Ketchelbank, stop and ask yourself..."What am I doing in this suburb anyway?" And then leave. Go somewhere else, like Roachtown. They have roaches, which counts as animals.
  • Club Cocker - The nightlife in Dulston is what most would call dull. However, in the western most point of the suburb you'll find a peculiar little dance club. When you walk in you are welcomed by men dressed in leather and ass-less chaps. You follow the host, past the bar that only serves lite beers and wine coolers, until you are seated in front of the stage that at this particular night has a troupe of male dancers impersonating the Village People. The crowd doesn't seem to mind that the dancers are more interested in grinding up against each other than actually keeping their lips in sync with the music. As I look around I notice some familiar faces. Notable survivors such as Kikashie, Ottari, Garviel, Alpharius, Secruss, and Ioncannon all sit in various sections of the club. I hesitate to stand up and interview one of them but decide to do it in the name of journalism. I pick up my banana daiquiri and walk to the back of the club and speak to Secruss, who's with his partner Alpharius. I ask the two what they are drinking and they look at each other, giggle, then smile and say Appletinis. I begin my interview asking how they heard of the place and they say that everyone of this lifestyle knows about the place. They say that at night defenders of Treweeke Mall sneak out into a warehouse and then hop into the back window of the club. After about twenty awkward minutes I excuse myself and go back to my hotel room where I proceed to shower in boiling hot water for several minutes. I then checked into Anne General Hospital, instead of St Anacletus's Hospital because as burned as my skin may be I do not trust a Catholic touching my Plutonian skin. Overall the club isn't a bad place in Malton. However, I am nostalgic for the Club Empress that used to stand in its place when the land was known as New Baghdad.
  • The Dann Hotel - When you walk into the hotel you can almost feel like you are being transported back into the days of the Five Families. In the early 1900's the Dann Hotel was used as a focal point for mobster activities. The interior reflects this with pictures of Maddaford, Cabell, Lorenzo, Johnstone, and McCulloch hanging in the lobby. A high chandelier hangs above you as you walk in. However, not is all what it seems. Unfortunately with the end of mob crime also came the end of proper security. I found my room to be less than adequate, while finding an actual zombie waiting for me in my bathshower. The editor, Canderous Ordo, later told me that this was due to the hotel being in the center of Stanbury Village, a very dangerous suburb. Note to editor: I want a raise after that.
  • The Old Towers - Despite the name the structure of the building is still in fairly good shape. The building looks as if it is only a decade or so old. Unfortunately I was not able to interview the inhabitants of the tower as no one was in it. The building is ripe for living in as it is very spacious and still offers Dish Network tv.
  • Caiger Mall - This review took the longest of them all as I died shortly after entering the Mall. In late 2005 the Mall was called "The Bastion of Survivor Hope". It symbolized the struggle against a zombie oppressor, which was ironically the much weaker minority. Today it is a dilapidated relic of a former empire. Vandalism covers the wall with slogans such as "BARHAH Mall", "Petro waz here", and "STREETS IS WATCHIN". However the Mall still attracts some brave crusaders and pilgrims who enter through the doors like clockwork. Everyday they are eaten and feasted upon and the next day they stand up from a fresh revive and repeat the process all over again. Darvall Heights and Chudleytown are a strange pair.
  • St. Jude's Cathedral - To wrap this review up I decided to visit a Cathedral down in Molebank. Now, I didn't actually enter the building (as I am afraid of Catholics and their evil witch powers given to them from the Pope) but I did admire the architecture from afar. And by admire I mean loathed and by afar I mean about six blocks away with binoculars. The building was designed in typical Gothic architecture and had a Roman-esque whiff to it that made my Plutonian body sick to my Plutonian stomach. Note to editor: I want another raise

Old Issues

The Pluto Press Issue 1

The Pluto Press Issue 2

The Editor

Canderous Ordo - Secular Leader of the Populat

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