User:Biff Chitts

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FULL NAME: Bifford Samson Chitts. (Born Bifford Samson Chornley)

AGE: 42.

BIRTHPLACE: Rural Wiltshire, U.K.

HAIR COLOUR: Black, though slowly greying at the sides in a handsome, rugged kinda way.

EYE COLOUR: Very deep green.

HEIGHT: 6'1"

WEIGHT: 14 Stone

PHYSIQUE: Fairly broad/muscular (due to his profession), though beginning to loose it round the midriff.


Biff was born to Clifford and Delilah Chornley, a wealthy upper class family. He was the only son of the 6 children. The entire Chornley family (every living generation of Chornleys) lived together in a massive mansion named Chornley Manor, though he does not have any memory of his origins, as the entire crowd were wiped out in a horrifying picnic/combine harvester unpleasantness when he was only 8 months old. Sent to live in a London orphanage, it wasn't until the age of 4 that he was adopted by an American couple (Kaleb and Talia Chitts) who had lived in London for the last 3 years. Within the year they had moved back to America residing in Manhatten.

His school years were uneventful. He was an average student, never particularly excelling at anything. His lecturers always commented that though he put in the effort, his mind never seemed completely focussed. By his mid teens he still had no direction in life or in school, and as many young males his school choices seemed to be dominated by his infatuation with a pretty young girl. Cass Randall was all his mind could focus on and it was only through his hidden feelings for the her that he found himself enrolled for drama classes. Bizarrely this was something he did excell at and within 5 months found himself in the male lead of the first class production, with Cass as the female lead. The 3 months spent learning this production, spending productive time with the girl of his dreams were the best few months of his early life. The production itself, though, never happened. Cass was killed in a freak accident involving a heavy duty pneumatic drill and a roadside cucumber seller two nights before the opening performance.

The months that followed were dark times for Biff. But two good things came out of it. He threw himself into both his acting, and also building his physique. This paid off, and by the age of 17 he bagged his first role in the low-budget shlock-horror action flick 'Like them apples?', credited as 'nude thug with chainsaw'. It was about this time he exprienced his first real romance with a young actress who also starred in the film 'Like them apples?' named Stacie Hammers (unusual surname, but bizarrely enough her dad was a panel beater!). Their defining scene in the movie involved Biffs character mutilating her character with his chainsaw shortly before being disemboweld with a garden rake by the male lead of the film.

Their love blossomed quickly, but as was often the case with young Biff, this was at a price. It was during this romance that Biff discoverd his adoptive parents were swingers, who dabbled in serious mind-bending acid. He was always puzzled by their many three day trips away, and it was by pure accident that he discovered their sordid double life. He and stacie had been away, (Biff had been filming his second film role in 'Get off my face!') and he returned unexpectedly to his family home only to find an orgy involving 27 people, a llama, and 4 king cobra taking place. The shock he felt then was immediatley trebled when his parents, stark naked and off their faces on acid, made them both an indecent proposal. Enraged, Biff punched his father clean on the nose, sending him flying into a a small group of men and an enamored llama. By this time his mother was shrieking madly at him, so he punched her out cold. He and Stacie promptly left the house never to return. Such a rage had built up inside him that he drove away at a ridiculous speed, only to lose control at the first bend he came to. The car flipped twice before crashing passenger side on into an oncoming fire truck. Stacie was killed instantly, but Biff got away lightly, with only several cracked ribs, his right arm broken on two places, a dislocated right shoulder, and concussion.

During his recovery in hospital, throughout which he refused all visitors, Biff completely disowned his adoptive parents, and decided he needed an agent for some serious roles. The small roles in the shlok-horrors he had done had been fun, but would not pay his way in life. He sought an agent, and found one who commanded very little commission by the name of Arthur Pewty, a small and a little unkempt scotsman based in LA. By this time, Biff had relocated to LA, and it was here where his next screen role was filmed. Though glad of his new film direction, Biff was a little perturbed by the role aquired for him as fourth rape victim. Against his better judgement, he took the role which unsurprisingly had only one major scene. His next two roles were in run-of-the-mill low budget action movies, both medium castings as henchmen to the lead bad guy. The following film was the last with Pewty as his agent. It was a low budget 'psychological thriller' entitled The Biscuit. With a cast of only 4, this role initially intrigued Biff, though whilst researching the role in the U.K. it became apparent to him that this was a role he should have avoided, and also that his agent was utterly useless. One good thing to come from it was that directly from the research he made 3 good friends, Blandnothing, Silent badger, and gavinthepig(a.k.a. happypig), with whom he had since kept in touch with intermitantly.

His next agent actually sought to work for Biff, being a fan of The Biscuit and realising a mass of potential in him. Cooper Danowitz specialised in the 'not-quite' blockbuster action movies, and though Biffs next role was in a Vietnam movie, Danowitz had an idea that might just push not only Biff, but also himself into the big league. The role of 'Batman' Batty in 'I lost my arm in 'Nam' gained a considerable ammount of industry commendation, especially because of the harrowing injury sustaning/recovery scenes. Ears were pricked. Along with up-and-coming young writing talent B.S.Brown, and with full creative divulgance with Biff, they came up with the idea of the 'Justice' films. These four films (though at the time, it was not known how many they would produce) starring Biff as the lead hero, ace private investigator 'Dink Justice', succeeded in making a name for Biff within the film world.

Violence, retribution, and a whole lotta Justice went down and absolute storm in the budget action movie world, and was swiftly followed by In the arms of Justice less than a year later. Both Biff and Danowitz were so into the character that they initially planned to do another 2 films right off the back of the first two, but the writing partnership with B.S.Brown faltered as he had been diagnosed with cancer, his colon and rectum having been ravaged by the disease. He had been suffering with acute abdominal pain during the first two films, but had put that down to the fact that he was an raging homosexual smackhead that never knew where he'd been or what he'd done the day previous. He had to detox and get treatment, which was unsuccessful resulting in the removal of both. Unable to accept how his colostomy situation interfered with his insatial homosexual appetite, Brown quickly slipped back into his smack habit, and was found many times in his flat unconcious and naked, himself and the flat covered in faeces.

During this time, Biff had a fairly big budget offer for the lead in a supernatural revenge thriller entitled Died Smiling, which he took, but it didn't fair too well with filmgoers. He also took the role of Dick Spitz, a fallen 80's porn star who'd developed SVED (sudden violent ejaculation disorder), and his failure to find post-porno love, in the gross-out rom-com Milk 'Tache.

Then came Pumped full of Justice. With B.S.Brown having finally come to terms with his new life, they had began writing this as Milk 'Tache had hit the screens. It was what Biffs fans had been crying out for. The third of the Dink Justice films made a massive impact, even pushing its way into mainstream cinema, and earning Biff a small ammount of interview time on the Jay Leno chatshow. It was a far more violent and bloody film than even the original Justice film was, and included one or two extremely racey love scenes that had some critics wondering 'was it-wasn't it' real. One of these love scenes created a fair ammount of unnesessary controversy, as it was with the female lead who was actually a dwarf actress by the name of Fanny Doolally (whose previous claim-to-fame had been playing an ugnaught engineer in 'The Empire Strikes Back). Biff and Fanny actually became an item for several months, but once again misery was not far around the corner, a misery by the name of Kojak Whatamassafallas.


Credited Films

SH=Shlok horror AT=Action Thriller W=War movie SAT=Supernatural Action Thriller RC=Romantic Comedy PT=Psychological Thriller

'Like them Apples?' {SH}- credited as naked thug with chainsaw (very minor character)

'Get off my Face!' {SH}- credited as Jon Smallberries (youngest brother of male lead)

'The 'screw' screw crew' {AT}- credited as fourth rape victim (minor character) - Biffs least favoured role

'Kill with big guns' {AT}- credited as corrupt FBI agent 2 (one of head bad guys cohorts)

'Kings of death' {AT}- credited as Irish Ken (2nd of 3 secondary bad guys)

'The Biscuit' {PT}- credited as Gerry Garibaldi (3rd male of the only 4 all male cast)

'I lost my arm in 'Nam' {W}- credited as Rob 'Batman' Batty (one of lead males unit)

'Violence, retribution and a whole lotta Justice' {AT}- credited as Dink Justice (male lead) - Biffs first lead role, first of the Justice films

'In the arms of Justice' {AT}- credited as Dink Justice (male lead) - second of the Justice films

'Died Smiling' {SAT}- credited as Reuben Primus (male lead)

'Milk 'Tache' {RC}- credited as Dick Spitz (male lead) - Biffs one and only foray into romantic comedies

'Pumped full of Justice' {AT}- credited as Dink Justice (male lead) - third of the Justice films

'Stop! It Hurts!' {PT}- credited as man dressed as Rambo (cameo in a friends independant film)

'Without Mercy' {AT}- credited as Biff Johnson (male lead)

'Triple Subb' {AT}- credited as triplets Jon Subb, Adam Subb, and Tarquin Subb (all 3 male leads) - Biffs only multi-part film

'Laying down the Justice' {AT}- credited as Dink Justice (male lead) - Fourth and final completed Justice film

'Fighting Chance' {AT}- credited as Randy Chance (male lead)

'Running Scared' (AT}- credited as Jeff Barron (male lead)

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