User:Deity

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The Lord God
You have new commandments.
† The "G" in "OMGWTF" †


A citizen of Malton dares to defy the will of God.
Pictured Above: Some jerks have a problem with shit.
  • 1. God
    • a. A being conceived as the perfect, omnipotent, omniscient originator and ruler of the universe, the principal object of faith and worship in monotheistic religions.
    • b. The force, effect, or a manifestation or aspect of this being.
  • 2. A being of supernatural powers or attributes, believed in and worshiped by a people, especially a male deity thought to control some part of nature or reality.
  • 3. An image of a supernatural being; an idol.
  • 4. One that is worshiped, idealized, or followed: Money was their god.
  • 5. A very handsome man.
  • 6. A powerful ruler or despot.

(From Dictionary.com)

God and Malton

A Maltonian neglects to say "God Bless You" following a nearby sneeze.
The earth sucks.jpg Our Lord God
This user created the world in 7 days. What did you do? You reached level 50 on Urban Dead? ... Well, that's nice, too.

Long considered cruel and vengeful, God has come to Malton and is dealing out some heavy Theophobia. He has done so largely in order to help facilitate the Zombie apocalypse. Secondarily, he has become tired of sitting in his cloud palace on Mars, listening to that damned harp music all fucking day. This is indeed the end of days, and the Lord himself is levelling his shotgun of divine retribution at whomever he sets his holy eyes upon.

Malton seemed like the best place for our Lord to begin armageddon. Full of sinners, fools, and liars, Malton has indeed become the next Sodom. We all know how God feels about Sodom.

(Sidenote to Lot. Dude. I told you not to let that dingbat look back. I really can't be held responsible.)

Long have theologists pondered this one question... "Can God create a zombie more heinous than he can headshot?" Finally, the world will have its answer...


Totally holy.jpg

God (pictured at right) forces a tastefully nude Kevan Davis to code "Urban Dead" by defeating him in a game of "Bet you can't not touch my finger with yours". Also pictured: The Lord's bitches.

God Loves You

Several students at Vaux Grove School mockingly mumble "Under Bob" during the pledge of allegence.
Singer Joan Osborne muses; "If God was one of us, would he bone me?" No Joan, no he wouldn't.

As you may well know, God does indeed love all of his creations. He in no way takes any pleasure in mercilessly slaughtering them like hopeless minks.

God so loves the Earth that he can no longer abide the rampant war and unimaginable vice that grips the globe. Malton is the starting point for complete annhiliation. Point A in a bloody scar that will be drawn across the face of this diseased planet.

The Lord has taken many forms during the outbreak.

First he became a mighty wind, which blew a particularly ominous-looking "BIOHAZARD" test tube off of a Necrotech shelf.

Secondly, our Lord God became a tremendous elephant which devoured and crushed all non-human life within the city.

The Lord's third and final form was that of a police officer in Malton, wearing a flak jacket as a bit of a joke and toting around seventeen shotguns, twenty pistols, three generators, and a thermonuclear device. In his all-encompasing wisdom, the Lord created a dazzling technicolor tenchcoat to conceal his divine weaponry.

Commandments

Vaudeville Comedian "Gabby Sternums" tells a joke which God does not laugh at.

"...God said to Moses, 'I will come to you in a thick cloud, so that all the people will hear when I speak to you. They will then believe in you forever.'...The third day arrived. There was thunder and lightning in the morning, with a heavy cloud on the mountain, and an extremely loud blast of a ram's horn. The people in the camp trembled. Moses led the people out of the camp toward the Divine Presence. They stood transfixed at the foot of the mountain. Mount Sinai was all in smoke because of the Presence that had come down on it. God was in the fire, and its smoke went up like the smoke of a lime kiln. The entire mountain trembled violently. There was the sound of a ram's horn, increasing in volume to a great degree. Moses spoke, and God replied with a voice. God came down on Mount Sinai, to the peak of the mountain. He summoned Moses to the mountain peak, and Moses climbed up...Moses went down to the people and conveyed this to them."

  1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
  2. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain.
  3. Thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath day.
  4. Thou shalt honor thy father and thy mother.
  5. Thou shalt not kill.
  6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
  7. Thou shalt not steal.
  8. Thou shalt not bear false witness.
  9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.

Factoids

The standard Atheist.
God speaks to a young Joan of Arc.
Satan, enemy of God.

It has been said that the Lord God works in mysterious ways. Even the most learned of holy men do not claim to understand the entirety of his greatness.

Since the apocalypse is nigh, the Lord has seen fit to release a few little-known facts about himself. What follow are declassified secrets pertaining to the Lord God. Perhaps this will answer some questions and help bring some unbelievers to the light.

  1. The Lord named Adam after 60s television Batman, Adam West.
  2. The Lord frequently refers to mortals as "breakables".
  3. The Lord enjoys light jazz.
  4. The Lord owns the only working Time Machine in existence.
  5. The Lord is an avid collector of Beanie Babies.
  6. Six of the seven ingredients in KFC's secret recipe are God.
  7. The seventh ingredient is thyme.
  8. The Lord has high score on all existing Ms. Pacman arcade games.
  9. The Lord enjoys shopping at Hot Topic.
  10. The Lord has retractable claws and a healing factor.
  11. The Platypus was created while God was suffering a seizure.
  12. Noah was actually told to get four of each animal. Lazy fuck.
  13. The Lord won a DDR competition using only his index finger.
  14. The Lord had a walk-on part in "Bedtime for Bonzo".
  15. The Lord created the Earth in 3 days, but didn't want to brag
  16. The Lord has never found time to actually proof-read the Bible.
  17. When you're in the shower, yes, the Lord is usually watching.
  18. The Lord double-dog-dared Lee Harvey Oswald to shoot JFK.
  19. The Lord rolls into a ball when threatened.
  20. The Lord coined the phrase "How's it Hangin'?"

The Lord's Templates

For no one has more respect of the dead than God himself...

Sgpicon1.gif Sacred Ground Policy Supporter
This user or group supports the Sacred Ground Policy and acknowledges that all Cemeteries in the city of Malton are considered Revivification Points.


Pentagram.JPG
Antichrist
The Lord God thinks that somebody here is the Antichrist.


God.jpg Worship God!
This user believes God is amazing and that everyone should worship Him.


Crucifixion.jpg This User > Jesus
This user claims to be better than Jesus


Noob.gif I'm Smarter
This user is smarter than you.


Sinq.jpg Well!
This user certainly didn't expect some sort of Spanish Inquisition!

Ask the Lord

An early attempt at direct communication with one Mrs. Eunice Nardlery of Liverpool, age 93.
  • If you are the One and the All, Creator of the Infinite (sorry, my religious title recognition is sub-par at best) how can you create a wiki account that can be perceived by individuals such as us without shattering out minds a la Cthulhu? You are, after all, something that can create not only a fully functional ecosystem, but several other planets, stars, and galaxae in under a week. How is it possible for us to even interact with such a powerful force on a simple, easy-interface level? --Kalir 07:34, 8 August 2006 (BST)
    • The Lord is very careful to safeguard your fragile minds. I communicate to you now as a human would communicate to an ape with sign language. Post. Post Wiki. Water drink? Water drink good. Kitten soft. -- (GOD) 18:19, 8 August 2006 (BST)

"Honest" Abe Vigoda, pictured above in the process of surviving.
  • I don't believe you exist. What now? --V2Blast TP!CSR 19:32, 8 August 2006 (BST)
    • Many a man hath erroniously thought acting sensation Abe Vigoda to have passed long ago. This be not true, and Mr. Vigoda hath suffered no ill fortune due to the mistaken notions of the masses. -- (GOD) 05:01, 9 August 2006 (BST)

  • I was just reading this page about masturbation, and it said that "God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason." Is this true? Because if it is, then I must withdraw myself from your holiest dance team. --Niilomaan GRR! 14:36, 11 August 2006 (BST)
    • Absurd. If God did not intend for people to masturbate, he would not have made their hands reach. -- (GOD) 17:57, 11 August 2006 (BST)
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