User:Mal Catherwood
From The Urban Dead Wiki
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Well hello there, citizen of my wonderful city of Malton! Or, I would assume that the fellow (or felless) to find my humble little journal is a man or woman from my fair city of Malton. Hello there, whoever you are! I am Malcolm Catherwood, the new mayor of Malton, and I do hope you have enjoyed your time in my greatest of homes. The scenery here is nothing short of beautiful. Don't you agree?
In this little bland book you will find my notes and recollections and many fun tidbits of information! I implore you, do read on! The many things you will find in this most featureless of books will no doubt shock and please you into a surreal form of ecstasy. If I do say so myself - and I do, for there is nobody breathing around to tell me not to - I am a rather interesting man.
Of course, I would never put my life story in this journal of mine, oh no. I would not want to bore you, sir or madam, with the boring facts of my life. My childhood, my education, the time leading up to my, shall we say, reign over this city. All these things and more will not be found in my journal, for they are not worthy of mention. Instead you will find the happy joyful truth of your good mayor Malcolm Catherwood!
Following is a very well-drawn picture of a skeleton in a business suit tipping his hat with one hand and holding a bleeding heart in his other.
Contents |
September 2006
September 10th, 2006
Well, I have been having a perfectly wonderful life as of late! The less articulate and hygienic members of Maltonian society seem to have decided to keep away from me lately, which is good for my lungs, you know. Not to say I don't enjoy spending quality time with all of the citizens of my joyful city, but the grayish ones I speak of have a way of expressing their thanks in odd ways. They have bitten me countless times, and it has not been good at all for my complexion!
I kid, of course. Their bites mean nothing that is not graciously accepted. They may express their thanks very oddly, but I understand. Their command of the English language simply isn't as cultured as mine, but of course they mean well. It is often the inarticulate ones that are the most hard-working, genuine good men and women, you know. Time and time again the ones that seem respectable are actually the true low-lives (who deserve my time just as well as any other, of course)!
Oh, how I travel off the topic at hand. The topic at hand... Well, I sat down just now to note in my journal that I have finally gotten ahold of Mr. McJones once again. Mr. McJones, my most trusted assistant and a man that fits quite well into the hierarchy of the men and women I have just written about. I do not think I can express my feelings to this wonderful chap in words! He is just always there to help me in my worst moments, the times when my hands aren't steady and my firearms are empty.
Oh, look at this, I am tearing up!
Following is a very detailed drawing of two men sitting side-by-side on a bloody couch, their eyes rolled up into their sockets and their T-shirts riddled with bullet holes.
September 2nd, 2006
Well, I helped two more nice men with their lives today. One 'Wolfskinz' and one 'Szabo Pigwanker'. Odd names, but I, the wonderful mayor of Malton, do not discriminate! I helped them just as well as I helped any other, and they were wounded when I came upon them so I am quite sure they needed my help. I found them in a rather rundown little church. Shame that the religious types of my city are apparently abandoning all their places of worship.
Of course! As soon as I get more funds I will make it a point to send as much money as I can to these churches and mosques and synagogues. I'm sure the faithful citizens of Malton will be very thankful, and they do deserve it. It will not be a problem. If I may say so myself, I do not think my generosity knows any bounds. I am the man I have always wanted to be since I was a young boy with large dreams and a larger knife.
Oh, my childhood... It went by much too fast, I say. Everyone's childhood should last longer than it does, but such is life.
Following is a drawing of a large, fierce-looking rabid dog that is foaming at the mouth, its body covered in stitches.
August 2006
August 31st, 2006
Well howdy there, neighbor! Welcome to my little black book! I trust you find the accomodations are suited to your liking? I have put in my best efforts to make this book of mine look inviting, so that you aren't scared away from it by the rumor-spreading violent democrats I have so recently heard from. Why, I even heard somebody say that I was a murderer! Can you believe that? A murderer? This person calls me a murderer and yet lives in my city. My city, my rules, sir! And you can just go right out the door any time you want, unless those army fellows are not the kind you would like to meet with, with their guns blazing and so on.
Nevermind that drivel. There will always be people opposing a political figure's reign, and the majority of them turn out to be mindless conformists who merely want to be heard, even if their political views from taken straight from some other fool's tongue. Nevermind, I say! There are more pleasant things to write about at this moment, in the first of my many entries to come, oh yes!
Just today I managed to help two young survivors on their way to a better life. One Mikau Zoran and one fellow whose name I cannot recall. They will no doubt be thankful for my help, though of course they must have expected it. I encourage you, citizens of Malton, to take my aid for granted! I will always be here for you and there is no need to feel indebted to me. Simply vote for me at the next election, as if there was anybody else to vote for! But, honestly, your vote is important to me, and I will still aid you whether or not you support me for mayor. I am just this kind of generous man, you see.
Well, I don't have anything else to enter today, I fear. I must go off to rest for the night, and I will have to search out Mr. McJones soon. That wonderful quiet man, my personal assistant, has been missing for quite a while and he must be found!
Following is a series of macabre doodles of many stickman zombies eating many dying, screaming stickmen. Drawn carefully and colorfully above these doodles is an apparently anatomically correct heart, with the words 'MAL & FLUFFY 4 LIFE' stitched into it.
