User:Penguinpyro/PequilieatSurprise

From The Urban Dead Wiki

Pequileat surprise.

A zesty designer dish, incorporating tequila and pie to make certain normally disgusting varieties of harmanz palatable. Intended for nondenominational consumption- Survivors and Zombies of all factions can enjoy this wonderful mash of goodies.

Ingredients

• 1 living zerger, text rapist, or trenchcoater, aka zab-harmanz or sub-humans. One can determine the quality of a zerger by the quantity of visible alts- more alts, the tastier the zerger. Similarly, tastier trenchcoaters have a higher number of katanas & Uzis attached and tastier text rapists emit more obscenities.
  

Should you obtain a rare zergcoater or trenchrapist, use that instead. Do not use zergrapists in this recipe.

• 3/4 cups of Tequila. Any colour and age is acceptable, but you may wish to save higher quality tequilas for separate consumption with the Pequileat. If you know where the tequila came from, the Lowland Agave tequila is preferable due to being less vegan. Yes, I went there.
  
• A baked 12" single crust pie shell. The taller, the better (within reason).
  
• 1/2 neatly skinned and sliced banana, to be kept as clean as possible.
  
• 4 teaspoons of salt.
  
• 2 tablespoons of sugar.
  
• 10 ounces of condensed milk.
  
• 3 egg yolks.
  
• Various seasonings (optional)

Tools

• Carving knife or zombie claws. Zombies must have Rend Flesh before using claws.
  
• Crowbar, devoid of rust, if survivor. (optional)
• 1 loaded flare gun, if survivor. An additional flare gun is recommended for use as a back-up.
  
• Large, two-handed pan, if survivor.
  
• Various wooden barricade materials, if survivor.

Preparation

1) Non-lethally subdue the zab-harman in whatever manner you find convenient. Banana Gang Bang afterwards is optional but strongly recommended for additional tenderization. Do not use the ingredient banana in the gangbang.
-Be sure to restrain the zab-harman if necessary. Remember they are still living, even if marginally so, and can escape.

2) Immediately after, sprinkle the 3 teaspoons of salt onto the zab-harman. Disregard screams.

3) Begin rendering the zab-harman into raw harmanbargahrz. The exact methods will vary:
-Zombies should use their naturally powerful claws, gah zmazh zab-harman, magg harmanbargahr!
-Survivors should enlist the aid of a friendly zombie to perform the above.
-Alternatively, far less sane more adventurous survivors should use a crowbar to pulverize their fellow harmanz into goo.

About 1 man-hours of mashing by an experienced zombie for each harman or 1.5 man-hours if the mashing is done by a survivor. An assistant is recommended in order to halve the mashing time.

4) Use knife to remove bones and brain from harmanbargahrz. Continue mashing the zab-harman for an additional 30 minutes or until finely ground. Drain blood and fluids.

5) If you are a survivor, create a medium-sized fire using wooden barricade materials and the flare gun. Make sure fire is at full strength before cooking harmanbargarhz for 1 hour or until ready. Use back-up flare gun if the fire goes out. Zombies may skip this step.

6) Season the harmanbargahrz as appropriate. Avoid using salty or spicy seasonings, as these may conflict with the sweet tequila.

7) Carefully place cooked harmanbargahrz into pie crust, fitting as much as possible in until three-quarters of the pie is filled. Only a fraction of the zab-harman will be used. Save the remains.

8) Mix milk, the rest of the salt, sugar, tequila and eggs together until combined. Pour into pie crust.

9) Pour mixture into the pie crust over the harmanbargahrz until pie is filled.

10) If you are a survivor, cook pie over the fire for 20 minutes or until golden brown. Zombies may skip this step.

11) Top off pie with sliced banana. If a zombie, also garnish with leftover brains. If harmanz, burn said brains to a crisp if the fire is still going. Do not inhale the fumes.

12) Make offerings to Beerhah/Barhah/FSM using leftover remains of zab-harman.

Makes one pie, serves four.