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Welcome to the Sexiest Place in Malton

Have you found yourself walking the streets of Malton looking for company, only to find that people are only interested in eating your brains or pushing refrigerators against doors?

And do you have a fetish for hot and sexy firemen who will do anything to help those in "need"?

Cure your burningloinitis by calling Skitchipoo today! Skitchipoo is a voluptuous fireman who's looking to chop down the door of celibacy and put out the fire in your pants!


As advertised in your local paper

Homer fireman.jpg

All members of Ghetto Cow are eligible to receive free services from Skitchipoo.

Zcow.jpg Suck the Cow!
In the grim darkness of Malton there is only war. And rats.

For a small nominal fee, Skitchipoo will come to your private party, drink all of your liquor, flirt with your wife or husband, and prance shamelessly half naked around the room. Any "special" services can be performed, but will include extra small nominal fees.

Purple dino.gif

  • Special services include...
  • Sexily playing with non-phallic shaped toys and items
  • Making sexually suggestive comments towards senior citizens
  • Wearing a bikini that doesn't quite cover everything
  • Playful imitation of any creature of the Animal Kingdom (except manatees)


Just read these real comments from satisfied customers!

  • Oooh? Aaah? Chunka Cha? ... Anyway, your dancing sounds shouldn't sound funny. - Lachryma 11 April 2007
  • Er... Thanks... I think... - Specialist290 5 February 2007
  • So, I'm not sure I want a revive, I think I need some time to process the image of skitch and Icejedy totally naked, both covered in the omellettes cooking oil, dancing by a bad porno flick theme song. - Che13 9 May 2007
  • This one time, Lach whipped me and Skitch at the same time. It turns out that we had been holding out on her with our secret hoard of scotch. She beat us soundly. Afterwards, we had a cuddle party... at least I certainly remember a cuddle party. - Ev933n 27 May 2007
  • If you join Ghetto Cow, Skitchipoo won't freak you out with his male stripper/dancer-y-ness. He'll still do it, it just won't be creepy anymore. - Suicidal Angel 29 May 2007


Miscellaneous Information

June 7th, 2007

I'm still trying to figure out the coloring and formatting, so this page isn't completely done. Plus some actual content needs to be added. Templates too.

June 19, 2007

I just realized that I'm a jackass for not citing the page that I stole this brilliant code from. Many thanks to The Cap, who should come back as soon as possible and regale us with his fishing stories.

September 4, 2007

I feel that I have gotten everything that I could out of this game, so now I'm taking my services elsewhere. Plus, Malton's inhabitants are sick bastards in bed. If you want to inquire about my services, you can find me at Nexus War as Skitch, Jim Halpert, or Zombie Shakespeare.

March 29, 2008

If anybody really wants to inquire about my hot and sexy services, they can send a sex-e-mail to my wet and steamy address at "". You must be over 18 to e-mail me and have a credit card ready. I do not accept Discover.

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