User:Specialist290/Huey P Long/07Elections

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Archive for the 2007 Mayoral primary campaign; don't touch.


Malton is a place of hardship, of sadness, of weary souls crying out for rest, for peace, for a warm meal to eat and a piece of cold ground to call their own. Our fair city has recently been struck by a Depression of catastrophic proportions, one from which we are even now only slowly recovering from. Thousands of lonely ferals, once happy and prosperous, have been reduced to abject poverty, forced to beg for scraps from the abandoned husks of buildings, or even to steal that which they cannot obtain in a day's honest work.

The problem is simple: Less than 50 percent of Malton's population controls the supply of more than 85 percent of Malton's brains. The corporations and retail conglomerates oppress the common man, squeezing out every last ounce of blood and sweat from them while erecting barriers to keep them down and protect their vast cerebral treasuries. The llttle man is being crushed under the burden of the monopoly of the elite, the men who wish to keep their brains to themselves and forget about the great problem under our heels.

Must this imbalance remain? Must this injustice to Malton's poor, undying masses continue? No! We will not allow it! I will not allow it! The oppressing hand of the self-proclaimed "survivor" must and shall be lifted from the shoulders of the downtrodden if Malton is to have any future. There must be a fair and equitable redistribution of Malton's grey matter.

It is upon this fact--no, this need--that the "Share Our Bra!nz" program is based. There must be a limit placed upon the amount of cranial matter any one individual may possess; the excess, the stuff that's left over, is to go to benefit the poor feral, the downtrodden shambler, the man with no brains and no opportunity to get 'em.

Take a look at any map of Malton's suburbs. In some places you'll see a pale, sickly green, showing clearly where the "survivor" stocks up his precious brains; only in a few will you see the healthy, vibrant blood-red of prosperity, of equality, where the common man of the street has a chance to earn his keep. It is our job--and my dream--to see this coverage extended to all of Malton, to see a city where a feral can work with his hands to earn his daily needs; where the barriers of ignorance and prejudice are torn down; where the big corporations and their enterprises are kept on a tight leash to keep 'em honest.

Left to itself, Malton is headed on the road to disaster. Only a change in direction can bring back the prosperity of the former times, and only the voice of the people can bring about that change.

When it's sunny June and December too
Or in the winter time or spring
There'll be peace without end
Ev'ry neighbor a friend
With ev'ry man a king.


Share Our Bra!nz!!

As I stated before, less than 50% of Malton's population controls over 85% of Malton's brains, the "survivors." Furthermore, these same statistics indicate that nearly 40% - forty percent! - of Malton's undead population are below the poverty level! Do the math yourself if you don't believe me; the figures check out. It pains my heart to see so many of Malton's ferals crying out for brains, while the humans smug in the security of their walls keep their greedy clutches on more brains than they can use, more than they deserve to have!

There's certainly more than enough brains to go around for everyone. Why, then, are so many concentrated in the hands of only a few? I'll tell you why--corporate monopoly! As I'll go into detail about below, the NecroTech Corporation serves to keep a tight chokehold on the brain distribution in Malton. It serves as a stifling influence, keeping what could otherwise be a city paradise so low under its heel.

Malton needs help, I say, and what better way to give this help than with my Share Our Bra!nz policy?

What we'll do: Share Our Bra!nz involves imposing strict, unbending regulations on the NecroTech Corporation and its corporate subsidiaries. Those containing an excessive amount of grey matter will have a 100% "cerebral tax" levied on their cranial holdings, which will then be collected and passed out to poor ferals. In short, we're not trying to wipe out big businesses like NecroTech; we're just trying to keep 'em honest. To wipe 'em out would be too akin to Harmanizm, and, to be frank with you, citizens, this plan is the only defense against Harmanizm we've got!

Let the Yagoton Revivification Clinic and Ron Burgundy and Caiger Mall and all those other groups use all the brains they need to make a living (figuratively speaking, of course). Then, what they're done with, what they aren't using, give to the poor, brain-hungry man on the street!


The NecroTech Corporation is a cesspool of corruption. Its hands are black from all the dark deals it's made and all the dirty secrets it has to carry. NecroTech and its corporate subsidiaries, the Malls of Malton, are all responsible for the "brain drain" that has swept so many of our ferals into poverty and hunger.

As Mayor of Malton, I will encourage zombie groups to impose strict controls on NecroTech facilities who are suspected of engaging in questionable activities. Furthermore, all those engaged in activities at said facilities will be required to pay the cerebral tax to compensate for the damage they have done to the city of Malton.

Zombie-Harman Relations

Naturally we are aware that not all survivors are responsible for this mess; in fact, a number have shown support for our cause by helping to take down the corporate machines responsible for keeping our citizenry under the thumb of NecroTech and its associates. Therefore, I give my unliving support to organizations such as the Quartly Study Group, who not only have an open-door policy but are also willing to give the occasional charitable donation to the cause.

However, in general, it is harman oppression that deprives thousands of zombies of their meals and homes every day. Therefore, we are certainly not against helping organize labor strikes and other such methods to get our point across to the filthy monopolists.


I, Huey Pierce Long, Jr., have pledged myself to ensuring that every feral receives at least one free textbook and to end the discriminatory practices that keep ferals from receiving a free education inside libraries and museums. Malton's culture should be free for all to see, not just a privileged, scotch-drinking, cigar-smoking elite.


When I was young, my parents would hitch up the zombie horse to the ol' zeppelin every Sunday and take my Church of the Resurrection grandparents to the cathedral for Mass at six, then turn around so they could take my Militant Order of Barhah grandparents to the church for the preaching at eight.

A religion is a man's personal choice, whether survivor or zombie, and as Mayor I can promise you that I won't show any favoritism to any religion or its followers whatsoever. There ain't gonna be no patriarch when the Kingfish is in power!


PKing is, ultimately, a survivor problem, and one they'll have to solve themselves. As such, we have no official opinion on the matter. However, if I may take the reader into my confidence for one moment and speak heart-to-heart, it saddens me to see so many survivors blowing each other's brains out when they could be donating 'em to the poor, hungry man in the street.

Death Cultism

The practice of death culting is, sadly, all too often necessary in order to get the point across to the survivor plutocracy. However, if I may again speak directly to the reader as a friend and not simply a candidate for office, it saddens me to see so many ferals swayed by the practice as to resort to outright stealing a revive simply in order to blow their foes brains out. Death culting is an unfortunate byproduct of a lack of adequate brains, or, to put it more accurately, the stubborn refusal of the elite to share those brains with the poor. The Long administration, however, officially has no stance on this practice; we neither condone it, nor will we make attempts to suppress it. As the Share Our Bra!nz plan goes into effect, this problem should solve itself.

Diet and Feeding Habits

As is true with all zombies, I believe that a heaping helping of harman brainz should be the foundation of every meal. However, as is written in the Book of St. Petroskjo in the BARHAH BAGH, "A zombie shall not live on brains alone." For a balanced diet, I recommend that every feral eat at least one banana a day in addition to his or her daily meals, as bananas are great sources of potassium,* which is good for maintaining healthy bones and plenty of energy!

*(In my Eastonwood speech I said protein; this is an unfortunate side-effect of the fact that I accidentally left my notes on this subject at home.)

Marriage and the Family

While the union of two undead souls in holy matrimony is of course a time-honored and cherished tradition, it is my personal belief that, in cases of true love between one feral and another, the union shall remain pure and consecrated under BARHAH regardless of the civil status of the individuals.

On Other Candidates

(Note: This section will be highly IC; Huey's statements may not necessarily reflect my own (aka Specialist290's) personal opinion of the candidates.)

Murray Jay Suskind

I have no doubt that Murray's really a great guy. No, really, he is. I'm sure of it, and I know how to read people, even zombies (I'd sure hope so, since I'm one myself!). He's on the right track with his "No Zed Unfed" platform; the problem is, he isn't taking it far enough.

Sure, five pounds of delicious grey matter a day sounds nice. In fact, I'm quite sure it sounds mighty appealing; I wouldn't mind going for a nice five-pounder myself. Murray's "No Zed Unfed" policy, however, fails to address the key issue at stake-- the problem isn't simply the imbalance of brains that is keeping Malton's less fortunate perpetually hungry; it's the survivors' refusal to part with their extravagant surplus. Sure, Suskind talks big, but let's look at things from another perspective:

The Ridleybank Resistance Front, which endorses the esteemed Mr. Suskind's race, is one of Malton's oldest and most powerful zombie groups. It has had a mighty impressive track record in its time on the scene, with many notable successes under its belt and a very capable leadership. The problem w/ the old and venerable RRF, however, is the very fact that it's so old. It's too well-entrenched, too set in its ways, too conservative to honestly be able to represent the new up-and-coming generation of zombies. To tell the truth, I think the RRF is too used to being on top, too concerned about maintaining their status, to really listen to the concerns of the common feral. Their leaders are a bunch of old rotters who do little else than sit around driking their bloody wines, going on about how things were so much better in "the good old days," and keeping good, honest, hard-working people with noble ambitions, like you and me, from getting a chance to put our ideas into action simply because they're worried that we'll try to knock that crown off of their heads. They're already trying to tell you what to think; why let them tighten their grip even further?

And have you ever wondered about how much they're actually stealing from the ferals of Malton? Consider their endorsement of the Gore Corps; I have no objections to putting a little pressure on those survivors who bask in their tall towers and look down on the rest of us, but think about how many fresh, ripe brains are going to waste due to premature spoilage--by the time the hungry feral, who's the one who really needs those brains, gets there, all they're left with is a stale, dried-up husk, and you what's even worse? Well, think about what a little lead pellet can do to the teeth of a hungry zombie so desperate for food that it'll even turn on its fellow ferals if given the chance. How many teeth have been permanently ruined by these careless maniacs? How many ferals have been condemned to eating stale scraps because they have no dentures left to crack open a skull and get themselves a nice, juicy brain? Will Mr. Suskind, by any chance, be offering a comprehensive dental plan along with his five-pound handouts?

Finally, let us take Mr. Suskind's very own words, as expressed in one of his campaign posters: "What about the other guys?" I'm sure that Mr. Suskind has only the best of intentions in mind when making this statement, and it's only his shrewd campaign staff who has altered the intent of these words to somehow denigrate his fellow running-mates. However, when viewed from a different light, as presented above, one begins to question exactly what those words mean. "What about the other guys?" could be an innocent attempt at poking fun at the other candidates (of which I am one)--or it could mean something entirely different and far more sinister. I find myself wondering sometimes exactly who these "other guys" were, and though I'd hate to accuse Murray of sounding selfish, it's entirely possible that, within the privacy of his own mind, the "other guys" might refer to anyone other than himself. I will not go so far as to make that claim myself, of course (despite his apparent disregard for the condition of Malton's teeth), but it is enough to get one thinking, of course. I will, however, say that you won't catch me saying "What did the other guys do?"; instead, dear voter, what can I do for you?


I appreciate his desire for honesty in politics, but in his case I think he's taking it a little too far. I'd rather have the spoonful of fairy dust in my stomach than a heapin' spoonful of nothin', which is all he's got--I mean, his entire platform basically says that he'll be doing the same thing he's always been doing. If that's the case, why's he even running for Mayor?

The Humanitative Party

The entire party stands for only one thing in the eyes of the Kingfish: keeping their thumb pressed on the poor, hungry ferals of Malton and not letting them get the nice, juicy brains that have so logn been denied to them as the price for their labors. Since I don't like repeating myself twice in the same place, I'll kindly redirect you to my "Share Our Bra!nz" program.


I'll be honest and say that I think that Mr. DT's "New Deal" is, in fact, a Raw Deal for Malton--it's inefficient, unfeasible, and grossly extravagant. Think about this--one part of his program calls for a group that puts up barricades, while another is devoted to tearing them down! What makes him think that forcing an artificial circulation of brains by creating thousands of useless jobs simply for the sake of putting people to work on pointless projects that are only going to be undone when the next group of guys come around to tear it all down again? All this "make-work" will probably do Malton more harm than good in the long run.

The most objectionable part of this "New Deal" is Mr. DT's DPC. Sure, he dresses it up as a way for Malton's starving ferals to get at, but take a look for yourselves at how much of a colossal waste the whole thing is--why only give the ferals second-rate, secondhand, dried up, unpalatable churned cerebral mush which might also contain a potential dental hazard as well? Has he even considered that through the means of preparation he has outlined, he might be killing off our very foodstock and leaving it to rot, thus agitating the very problem I'm trying to solve? Has he given the slightest though to the fact that a brain that has been exposed to the elements and to Malton's unique strain of necrosis becomes almost inedible very quickly if it isn't consumed immediately upon extraction? And what about all those bullets? Is he going to try to give every zombie free dentures on top of this already-extravagant mess?

If you're content to take second-rate, tainted hogslop from the government's food trough, vote for DT. If you want to get a nice, juicy, fresh brain free of teeth-eroding "goodies," then exercise your right to possess common sense instead.

Campaign Itinerary

Our state-of-the-art campaign zeppelin

That's right; rather than simply keeping his campaign going on the Wiki, Huey Long will be actually visiting several locations in Malton in order to speak on behalf of his candidacy!

The Gameplan

Currently, Huey's staff is in the middle of a big rethink of their campaign tactics. Instead of simply stopping and making speeches everywhere, Huey and company will be Sharing the Bra!nz with the generous assistance of their good friends in Lebende Tote. Watch this space for updates.

  • A few days before the big event, a dedicated team of sprayers will move into the area and begin tagging the location and time of the speech. Huey himself will shamble into the square the day before the event to await a revive, in order to better get his point across (Death Rattle is cumbersome for political speeches and well-nigh useless for links).
  • At the appointed time, in whatsoever state he is in, Huey will give his speech before the assembled audience. Even if there's only one other zombie there, he'll still give a speech just because he's that dedicated.
  • After the speech, refreshments (including the candidate himself) will be distributed to the crowd before they go home. Can't have 'em leaving on an empty stomach, now, can we?
  • Depending on various factors (time, friendliness of the local crowd), once back in his zombified state, Huey may participate in raids with other local groups in the area. Huey hopes that by doing so, he can earn the trust of the locals and help local brain-starved feral populations get the daily diet of bra!nz that they need!

Previous Appearances

  • May 29: Huey's appearance at the Quartly Library in Roftwood was well-received by the locals, although one of the zombies present apparently wasn't willing to wait for refreshments to be served and tried to cut the line. Nevertheless, Huey's spirits are bright as he gets ready to head to the next stop!
  • April 2nd: Huey's speech at the Blackmore Building was also met w/ adulation from among members of the crowd, despite the difficulties imposed by a slight impairment of Huey's speaking abilities in his undead state.
  • April 8th: Huey's speech at Pooll Crescent Police Department, !zanbah was a resounding success, being delivered to what was apparently a receptive and enthusiastic audience. After the speech Huey took questions from among those present, after which the crowd was entertained by the sublime voice of one of the Shambling Crooners as refreshments were served. Huey is brimming with confidence after this smashing triumph!

Status / The List

Next Stop...

  • There's been talk of holding a speech in Danversbank, but Huey & Co. still haven't quite finished planning all the details and making arrangements. Watch this space as more info gets filled in!
  • Well, he's made it to the suburb, but he hasn't really had the time to scout around much, so he'll probably be speaking to the largest concentration of ferals he can find within a couple blocks of Angerstein Park. Due to scheduling considerations he hasn't really had time to come up w/ a solid, set location, but if you're in the area, gather together into one big group and Huey might be there to speak to ya!
  • Scent Death can truly be a useful skill sometimes... Anyway, Huey's finally got a place to speak at: Servatius General Hospital! Be there or be harman!

Primaries will be held on April 17th. After that, who knows?

Places Huey'd Like To See in the Near Future

*The Blackmore Building - Situated in the fine suburb of Ridleybank itself, Huey plans to give a speech commemorating those who fought in the effort to bring bra!nz to Malton's poor ferals. Done!

  • Yagoton - Right now the zombies are having a grand ol' time partying up in the suburb of Yagoton, and when has Huey Long ever passed up the opportunity to crash a party?
  • Sadly, due to scheduling considerations, Huey has had to axe Yagoton from the pre-primary itinerary :( However, that doesn't mean he won't try to pay a visit if he's still in the running for "the Main Event"!
  • The Mall Tour, wherever they happen to end up - More than any other group, the Mall Tour serves as the embodiment of Huey's desires to put a severe curb on the brain-hoarding harman elitists. Huey'd be delighted to speak before their assembled bulk if he happens to have the time.
  • Grigg Heights - And, of course, where better to hold a speech than in Huey's old home suburb, the territory of his groupmates the Lebende Tote? Swell folks, all of 'em. No, really, I mean it.

Of course, those aren't the only stops Huey has planned--be sure to check the itinerary regularly to see where Huey'll show up next!


  • Share Our Brainz! - Huey Long in '07 (Death Rattle translation for slogan-chanters: Zhaar Ahr Bra!nz!)
  • Every Man a King - Long '07
  • Long will go the distance - Vote Huey Long 2007

So, What Can *I* Do To Help?


  • Endorse Huey P Long as your official candidate for Mayor of Malton! Others have already done so; all we want is your name.
  • Are you a groupless, unaffiliated feral? Put Share Our Bra!nz! in your profile's group box to show your support!
  • Spread the word! Huey may like to talk, but he doesn't mind having others to speak on his behalf once in a while. If you're voting for Huey, tell all your friends to vote, too!
  • If you're looking to have a more active role in supporting your favorite candidate, Huey has open positions on his campaign staff that he'd love to fill with loyal supporters! Just contact him with the role you want to fill, and you should get a speedy response.
  • And on primary day (April 17th) don't forget to register on the Wiki and vote for Huey P Long as your choice for Zombiecratic candidate!


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