User:Stephen Colbert DFA

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A git who goes by the name DCC stopped by last night (10/8/08) to vandalize my user page. Three edits later and once he realized that I wasn't going to stand for it he reversed course. What a chump. Unlike the noted wikivandal Izumi, I don't know the ID of whatever character he plays, but I wouldn't feel bad spending the next year or so griefing him the way we've done Zoomy and her pals.


I've seen enough of the Illusionist to know. This person is a cheater. Bad for the game and overall useless sack of meat. I shall kill, kill, and kill again all who associate with the known cheater.



Here's a nice iWitness account of my glory. St. Alex's slaughter

Who am I? And why did I PK you?

The name's Colbert, Stephen Colbert DFA

I PK'd you because I have a license to kill. It's what I do, and I'm damn good at it! Did I forget to mention that I'm devastatingly handsome?

I'm also a founding member of the Late Night TV Crue. Please visit our group page for exciting news and events!

Big Bash

I want to give a shout out to The Second Big Bash for their recent clearing out of Lockettside. When the zed hoard saw me killing Valkyries, they promptly assumed that I was some sort of god. (which I might very well be)

Anyway, they hoisted me upon their collective rotting shoulders are carried me off in celebration! In their zeal, a couple of them got overexcited and actually killed me... But that's OK, because they really were well meaning and I was revived in record time.

Here's a photo that someone shot of the celebration.

I am a living GOD!!
Carry me to heaven, my minions!!!

After my untimely death, I was briefly "the most handsome zombie" in the hoard. Although being mistaken for "The Joker" by a few, I was most definitely dead and in need of a revive.


The Wørd: Retribution

Nation, it's well understood at this time, that the Pub Crawl turned out to be a poorly planned event that yours-truly was convinced would turn out ok. I felt justifiably disappointed when the so-called "pub crawl" turned into more of a one man show of me killing unsuspecting drunks in East Malton. Well, I returned to the Southwest corner only to find my good friend and colleague Sarah Silverman lying face down in a red-stained snowdrift. After a timely revive, she explained to me that the Tikhon Medical team had PK'd her. I promptly made a "house call" of my own to Tikhon General Hospital where I wrote a prescription for Retribution. And that's The Wørd.

We'll be right back

The Wørd: Preemptive Strike

Nation, as the Late Night TV Crue gains international acclaim, we are also building a longer and longer list of enemies. Friends of our show are telling us of mistaken identity PK'ing and backroom scheming by would be PK'ers who are still hatching their plans to attack us.

Now, I could kill them with my good-looks alone, but I prefer to treat the enemies of the LNTVC to a sample of my wrath. As such, the inhabitants of the Hazeldine Building in South Blythville were subject to a brief and glorious killing spree. RIP FireChick, Paddy oFurniture, Nurse Sakura (if that's your real name), and Ghostmite (possibly just an innocent bystander). I hope you've enjoyed our Pre-emptive Strike. And that's The Wørd.

We'll be right back.

The Wørd: Righteous Indignation

As the denizens of Malton huddle inside barricaded Firehouses and Malls, the undead walk the streets. Shambling from block to block attacking the random survivor who has lost his or her way, the zombies of Malton slowly convert their victims and repopulate their ranks. As we face an apocalypse of biblical proportions, there are those who embrace the very menace that we face. These survivors are aiding and abetting the undead, the Brain Rotted, and those who refuse to fight the fight on the side of god. Those who claim to seek peace with the undead are paving the way for terror, death, and the end of humanity. There is only one response, there is only one path, and the path to freedom from the scourge begins with Righteous Indignation. And that's The Wørd.

We'll be right back.

Body count

Here's a list of people who are "Dead to me". Since I have killed them. Some of them simply won't stay dead.

  1. Dragon Fang (Izumi's dumb pal)
  2. Dragon Fang
  3. Izumi Orimoto (Useless Valkyrie #1 and zerging nitwit)
  4. Izumi Orimoto
  5. Izumi Orimoto
  6. Izumi Orimoto
  7. Izumi Orimoto
  8. Izumi Orimoto
  9. Experimental Corpse (another useless Valkyrie)
  10. Experimental Corpse
  11. chillpill1 Useless Valkyrie number whatever
  12. Bastian Hawkins (another useless Valkyrie)
  13. Bastian Hawkins
  14. Zhil00o (another useless Valkyrie)
  15. Zhil00o
  16. Zhil00o
  17. Zhil00o
  18. Somnambulation Man (another useless Valkyrie)
  19. Nalikill (For being a wikilawyer)
  20. Kyleklbecka (another useless Valkyrie)
  21. BlizZombie (another useless Valkyrie)
  22. John Ramirez (another useless Valkyrie)
  23. Moses911 (for messing with Egypt!)
  24. Moses911
  25. Mantiev (for being a bounty hunting loser and messing with the wrong presidential candidate)
  26. IronApe 07 (newest Valkyrie! I broke his cherry)
  27. FireACE (Hazeldine puke!)
  28. ghostmite (Wrong place, wrong time)
  29. coke bear (pub crawl victim)
  30. mudhoney1 (pub crawl victim)
  31. Vin Ork (pub crawl victim)
  32. Blagger (pub crawl victim)
  33. Deadwings112 (pub crawl victim)
  34. Jamesbrow (pub crawl victim)
  35. pacokun (pub crawl victim)
  36. The Slayers (pub crawl victim)
  37. Dash Render (Tikhon Medical member)
  38. Jedah Dohma (innocent bystander... or was he?)
  39. Harmin' Harman (another useless Valkyrie)
  40. evo Legend Killer (Because he's got a stupid name)
  41. gavina (Tikhon Medical member)
  42. yoshem0 (collateral damage - sorry 'bout that)
  43. Miles O'Brien Didn't know anything about fixing my warp drive, so I shot him with my Romulan Disruptor that I bought on E-bay.
  44. alltheshway (I awoke this morning, 12/19, and found this fool had been banging away on me with his fire axe)
  45. Fleshgrind (Silent Night Slaughter victim)
  46. Angelus12 (Silent Night Slaughter victim)
  47. Heidegger (Silent Night Slaughter victim)iwitness
  48. William Stokes (Silent Night Slaughter victim)Lead Paint
  49. Ellis Duban (Silent Night Slaughter victim) Lead Paint
  50. Moira Goodall (Tikhon Medical fodder)
  51. Grand Nagus (Didn't have the lobes for a free-market economy)
  52. Jatana (sounded like a trenchie name to me)
  53. Tal Hawkens (I used to work for a douchebag named Tal Hawkins. Coincidence? I think not)
  54. Psycho Cop: Another crooked cop in a crooked suburb.
  55. aspirina: I mistook this poor newbie for a bear.
  56. Mr Bman: Newest member of the Bounty Hunting weenies known as "The Randoms". (I also thought he might be a bear)
  57. Devilmaycry Poor kid was just looking for a safehouse and found a deathtrap.
  58. Chase G This fellow PK'd Sarah Silverman. And he might be a bear.
  59. Hakara This character had the distinct smell of a zergling. I felt justified in the killing.
  60. tenamautomatic Supported the Writers Strike and found himself dead as a result. tsk.
  61. A Blood soaked Otaku This silly child was overheard griping about the radio broadcasts of Sarah Silverman. Nobody likes a critic!
  62. Jason Fitch Strike supporter and legitimate target.
  63. Alexander Karelin TZH member
  64. brokehalo7 Newbie with a dumb name.
  65. twiztidjuggalo Yet another newbie with a dumb name.
  66. ObiFirefighter A Team Zombie Hardcore member who used a jedi mind trick on me once and needed to pay.
  67. DariusAPB This guy is some sort of bounty-hunting wannabe. Now he's dead.
  68. a puke covered bum Another TZH victim.
  69. Cyrus Mcbaine He's saving a seat for me. IN HELL!
  70. Dr Roach Checked into the wrong motel, and never checked out again.
  71. Song Hunter Is singing in zombese these days.
  72. duke cage wandered too far from his support group and found himself facing The Colbert Report.
  73. Shirley Logan Called me Shirley and got dead as a result.
  74. Mike Smith PK'd me once for no apparent reason.
  75. Chief101 Just another poor meat shield sleeping in a mall. He's in a better place now. A dead place.
  76. Jim Bim PK'd me once and felt my wrath as a result. Careful what you wish for Jim.
  77. Oliver Sykes a member of the "Lockettside Defenders". Should be Lockettside Cannonfodder.
  78. Vitiosus I just happened to stumble across this guy and killed him for laughs. I laughed plenty. Trust me on that one.
  79. gattiboy Poor kid. I stood up after being revived and found this poor kid standing there with 1 HP. What's a PK'er to do?
  80. Xupert Starts with an "X" and ends with me blowing his brains out.
  81. Monk Stephens Assisted on my recent plastic surgery and is being held accountable for making my nose too pointy.
  82. Nuabreed This member of the Legion of the Octopope crossed tracks with the wrong pundit.
  83. Superdot TZH waste of oxygen.
  84. Jevonkillsthings More TZH fodder.
  85. Deadhead108 Hey, his name WAS "Deadhead"! Do I need a better reason than that?
  86. Jester420 Listen up kids. Drugs are bad. mmm-kay? People don't kill people Marijuana kills people.
  87. ffoeg v2 I challenged him to a staring contest and then spotted him an advantage by letting him start out dead.
  88. Ian Jacobs Has apparently only died 13 times or so. You haven't lived until you've died.... a lot. He'll thank me later.
  89. ILLBEEATINGYOU I killed him for overuse of capital letters.
  90. Sgt Sir I gave him a funeral with military honors. Or at least I meant to.
  91. Zigs A found this Valkyrie on my list of Valkyries I hadn't yet killed. (check!)
  92. IF IM A ZOMBIE HELP This crap eating weenie uses a script in his name to disable firefox browsers. I think I'll make a personal project out of him.
  93. mouserusker This silly mall cop PK'd me once. I happily returned the favor.
  94. FieserKerl I couldn't pronounce his name, so I pronounced him dead.
  95. Fire Ape I'm no fan of Fire or Apes. It was a natural outcome.
  96. patty o toole Who could blame me for killing the Irish?
  97. Gianel Parman Check
  98. Xupert Check
  99. QUNIT Check
  100. Kathryn16 BLAM!! at long last 100 kills!
  101. Gabriel Star 101, just for fun.

For a grand total of 101!

That's 101 times the denizens of Malton have witnessed my Holy Wrath.

Note: If I PK'd you and and you're not on this list, it's either an oversight on my part, or perhaps you're simply not worthy. No matter. Just post up on my talk page and let me know who you are and where and when you faced my holy-wrath, and I'll definitely consider whether I should ponder adding you to my list.

If you'd like me to PK you, just stand still. I'll get to you soon.


I've had enough of it.


Wiki-lawyers like Nalikill and Akule need to be kicked once each right in the pills.

Colbert for President? Nahhh

It's well known that I was considering running for the highest office in America. However, it's come to light that during my stay in Malton I've become something of a living god to the undead. At this time I just can't justify the demotion from "Living Diety" to "President". It's with little or no regret that I, Stephen Colbert DFA, withdraw from consideration for this mostly meaningless and pointless position that would only undermine my own awesomeness. --Stephen Colbert DFA 16:45, 7 November 2007 (UTC)

Alliances, Dalliances, Supports, and Shout Outs

Pubcrawl.gif "I swear to drunk officer! I'm not God!"
This user or group did the watermelon crawl, bar hop, and pub shuffle across Malton in 2007 with a bunch of inebreated murderers and got totally hammered.
151 Silent Night Slaughter
Ho!Ho!Ho!Ho!Ho! This user or group caroled and celebrated with the residents of Fort Creedy on Christmas Eve in December 2007!!!
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