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The user Velkrin: Only plays one character, of the same name, so if you see anyone romping about claiming to be me, shoot them and I'll give you one of the brownies that I raided for Caigar.

The Character Velkrin: Known for making up always successful operations. While the operations may seem like they failed on the surface, the reality is they accomplice a secondary, and more important, goal. The following are transcripts of the various operations.

==Cookie Jar Incident== (note: Not an operation)

Background: I was in a building along with one other survivor, when a zombie managed to get in.

Me: Zombie stole the cookie from the cookie jar!
Zombie: Mrh?
Me: Yes you!
Zombie: Graaaagh!
Me: Then who?
Zombie: Grrh.
Me: [Player's name] stole the cookie from the cookie jar!

Result: The zombie killed the survivor shortly after and then attempted to eat me a bit while still on it's sugar high.

Operation Awe Inspiring Hummus

Background: In a police department undersiege by zombies.

Alright, here's the plan: The moment they break in everyone start shouting Banana Gangbang! With any luck they'll think they've stumbled onto some sort of fruit related pornography filming studio disguised as a police department. Now if the zombies are non-religious we may be able to convince them that they should star in the next film. [Player's name removed], I see you speak zombie, we'll leave that part up to you. Prepare to begin Operation Awe Inspiring Hummus.

Result: Zombies broke in, killed the survivers inside, including several PKs. Operation declared a success.

Operation Kiss But Don't Tell

Background: Infected in a pub with a bunch of other survivors. Talking doesn't cause damage and no one has healed me so I tell them my plan:

Alright men, and ladies if applicable, what we have here is a standard siege situation. Zombies on the outside, humans on the inside, and no reinforcements in sight. Now due to my long standing success in planning operations against the zombie menace, I suggest you follow my advice. Some of you may have heard of Operation Awe Inspiring Hummus, which I suspect was an outstanding success. I can't tell you if it actually worked because I was too busy scouting far, far away from the area, but I trust my men succeed. There is a fundamental difference between those two situations, we have booze.

So here is my plan: First, you men need to get as drunk as you possibly can, without passing out. Next we turn up the music, and let the zombies in. As it turns out, it is currently the zombie mating season, hence their migration to the shopping malls in order to buy gifts for their potential mates. Now, since it's the mating season, the zombies will be completely distracted by the music, and the zombie like swaying to said music by the drunken individuals. The movements of a drunken human mimic those of a zombie, so they should think you're performing some sort of mating dance. Not being terribly intelligent creatures, nor picky, you should be able to pair off quickly. Some of you men may not make it back, many of you won't want to come back, and the lucky ones won't be able to remember what happened, but I know I can trust you to pull this off. Prepare to begin: Operation Kiss But Don't Tell.

Result: Zombies break in, eat people while I'm away. Assume Op KBDT went as planned, and several necrophilliacs were killed. Operation declared a success.

Operation Outsourced Customer Service Department

Background: Near the end of the Caiger siege.

Fear not good people of Caiger, I have arrived. Yes, Velkrin, the greatest tactician ever, and a snazzy dresser I might add. Some of you might remember Operation Awe-Inspiring Hummus, in which we purged PKs from a police department in Dulston. Some of you might remember Operation Kiss But Don't Tell, in which zombie sympathizers and necrophiliacs alike were removed from the living. Some of you might remember the lesser known, cookie jar incident, in which man and zombie banded together in order to slay a cookie thief. To be fair the zombie did the slaying, while I did the legwork, also called retreating. Now I have come here, to Caiger, the last of the surviving malls of Malton with decent lighting. Fear not brave defenders, I have a plan, which if successful will drive the zombie menace back from whence they came...most likely Crooketon. Zombies love Crooketon; they must think it sounds like cookie-ton. Oh those wacky zombies.

For phase one I'll need everyone with cell phones to step forward.

Good, good. You will be known as group number one. Group one will position itself at random points in the mall. Set your ring tones to Crazy Frog at maximum volume. Group one's objective is to make sure the zombies don't stay in a store for an extended period of time. High zombie turnover is a necessity for this plan.

Phase two will require anyone with previous mall experience, this means working in a mall or just shopping at one. You will be known two. Group two will man the stores of the mall. Group two; it's your job to make sure the zombies get the worst customer service ever. I'm talking so bad that they'll use their experience as a battle cry. No more will they say Graaaagh! Instead they will moan Cadddgggaarrr Baaadddd!

Give them the wrong shoe and dress size, give them newspapers that are weeks old, books at are missing the last few pages so that you can't tell who the killer is, empty spray cans, oxidized and corked wine, bad cheese, and when they're distracted, steal their pants! Those who are working at the food court should serve everything cold that should be hot, and everything hot that should be cold. I want to see ice cream that boils in the cone, burgers that are still frozen, pizzas that can be used as frisbees, cookies with pebbles in place of chocolate chips!

Group three will consist of anyone who has medical expertise, or experience with mechanical engineering. Group three, your job is to use the Portable Generators, found conveniently in the hardware stores, to hit the zombies with thousands of volts of electricity. The engineers will work the generators into a portable deliberator, and the medically trained fellows will yell "Clear!" and then give the zombies a good jolt. If they react with hostilities, remind them that you're a medical professional and that everyone knows you're supposed to wear a special arm band if you don't want to be resuscitated. After the mechanical team has finished with the generator retrofitting, go and make sure all the clocks are running counterclockwise, anticlockwise for those of you who use that term.

To paraphrase Churchill: We shall fight them in the food court, we shall fight them in the liquor stores, we shall fight them in the gun stores, the book stores, and in the lingerie department! We shall never surrender, and if this mall is overrun, do not believe for a minute that I will not be shouting words of encouragement from several suburbs away.

This is it, open the doors and then begin: Operation Outsourced Customer Service Department.

Result: Caiger withstood the zombie hords, gained several new shiny guns. Operation declared a success.

Operation Burning Ring of Fire

Listen up people! The zombies may be gone for now, but they'll be back. I have just the operation for that situation. Now we're going to need three things: Portable Generators, flare guns, loaded please, and lots and lots of gas, the liquid, I know some of you have plenty of the vapor kind. I'm looking at you Fignuts.

Once we have gathered these items, we'll need to deploy the generators around the mall. At the first sign of a zombie hoard, we fuel the generators, and then toss the gas all around the perimeter of the building. Once the hordes get to the doors, we fire all the flares into the air. It's a well known fact that zombies love to watch flares go off, they're like little fireworks, shimmering in the night. So shiny. Where was I? Right, flares. Once the flares come down, they should land near the gas which has been spread over the parking lot area. Failing that we can just shoot a flare down there, either way the gas will ignite, causing a massive fire to break out. This fire will spread, and then hit the generators, which will then explode and take out large numbers of zombies.

Yes, I do realize that there is a risk of fire damage to the population of the mall, and the surrounding buildings, but I've taken precautions. I've been on the radio with command and they've worked everything out, even dropped off the papers this morning. In the event that the mall is burned down, say by a serial arsonist, or large group of arsonists armed with flare guns, and the building burns down, I will be able to collect on an extremely large insurance policy. I will then share the money I gain with any surviving survivors. On top of that, a new mall will be built upon the rubble of the old one. I have been assured that the new mall will contain, not two, but three soft serve ice cream machines. One of the machines will include special flavors for the zombies, such as Harman, Banana, and Brains. Now there is a risk of zombies getting brain freeze from the ice cream, but it should help prevent their brains from rotting.

Prepare to begin: Operation Burning Ring of Fire.

Result: No zombies in sight, soft-serve machine sill going strong.

Operation: Strictly Ballroom

Note: Actual operation.

It has come to my attention that the Ridleybank Resistance Front (RRF) has recently had to pull back to their main suburb in order to reenforce their presence due to incursion from various survivor groups. Naturally I have a plan for this. First, I'll need either ten volunteers with ten spray cans, or a hundred volunteers with one spray can. Next, every block of Ridleybank will be assigned to a member of the group, if we have ten, then everyone gets a set of ten blocks, if we have a hundred, everyone gets one.

It is a well known fact that the members of the RRF love to square dance. Obviously we must use this to our advantage. While they are distracted with attempting to eat our comrades, we will put up a large amount of demoralizing graffiti in their home suburb. Since they don't have a home base, we'll just put it up everywhere. The message will be as follows:

Attn: RRF: This is a No Square Dancing Zone.

Prepare to begin: Operation Strictly Ballroom

Result: Pending

Operation: Civilian-devouring Shrub

Note: Zombie Operation

Harkin unto me my undead friends! That means listen up. You there! Stop groining, someone will help remove the splinter from your claw later. I've been asked to go over a few things with you before we begin. First, congratulations to those of you who have managed to kill one or more human, we're all very proud of you. Some of you have even taken a few souvenirs from the enemy, which is normally a good thing, however some of you may need to tone is back a bit. When we say "grab bag man" we man kill the guy with the first aid kits in his bag, not grab the freaking bag. I know they're unisex bags but do you really think a legion of purse wielding zombies is going to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies? Hmmm? If you�re not using it as part of your outfit, please dispose of it. Second, any zombies uttering the phrase "ARRRR!!!" will be killed. We're an undead horde, not pirates. Besides, the last thing we need is ninjas to come after us. Third, if you're going to sing the Banana phone song, please make sure you can sing on key. It demoralizes both sides to have to listen to your terrible singing. Now as to why you've all been called here. I was recently revived, twice, by humans, and while I was waiting for someone to hurry up and eat me I developed a plan for destroying the local area around Caiger. It uses the old scorched earth strategy, only without actually destroying much, or using fire. If the humans had actually listened to my Ring of Fire plan then we wouldn't be sieging the mall, we'd already have our own soft-serve ice cream machine. Since they didn't listen to me they shall have to pay the price.

For phase one, we're going to have to raid the local parks for any sort of plant life we can find, with the exception of grass, fruits , excepting of course bananas, vegetables, and any vines. The fruits and veggies should be collected however, as they can be used in phase three. West Becktown has a decent amount of parks, but don't all head there or the others won't be able to get anything.

Phase two will involve a lot of pruning and trimming. If any of you have wire cutters from your days among the living I'd suggest you get those out. Now what we're going to do is to create large masses of plant life, large enough to cover a zombie completely, and then attach it to a harness. For those of you who raid trees for your plant life, be sure to take out any squirrels before putting on your new camouflage. Fruits and vegetables will be attached to the front of the harness with an elongated metal pole or pipe and will be dangled in front of the zombie via string. This is important for phase three.

In phase three, the harnessed zombies will place themselves around the four suburb area. If we do not get enough for everyone please use alternative hiding spots, such as inside cars and trashcans. Now it is important that you stay as still as you can in order to create the illusion that you're actually part of the local flora. As the humans start to filter out of the mall in boredom, they'll be looking for something decent to eat, having had to sustain themselves on flat soda and delicious brownies. Now if the food attracts a survivor, this is your chance to spring into action. If you or the other zombies in the area fail to devour him, take out or bananas and start yelling "Banana Gangbang!" This will likely cause the survivors to stop and wonder what the hell is going on, allowing other zombies to catch up from behind and finish him off. That or make them run faster, causing them to tire out where we can easily reach them.

Prepare to begin: Operation Civilian-devouring Shrub!

Result: N/A - Made for Post Mall Tour 06 area destruction plan.

Operation: Raging Bureaucracy

Background: Mall Tour 06' Siege of Caigar

If you people had listened to me when I told you about Operation: Burning Ring of Fire then we wouldn't be in this mess. On top of that I'm fairly certain I told the zombies about Operation: Civilian-devouring Shrub. Don't look at me like that! With all the talk of 'brains' I thought it was a MENSA meeting or some such. If I were you I wouldn't try and grab any food thats near a shrubbery. I also advise against attempting to fly a kite, I'm pretty sure the zombies are working on Operation: Snoopy. My time among the zombies has taught me much,such as what they fear, and thus I know how to properly drive them away.

Some of you may have noticed that the zombies have residual knowledge of activities that they used to do while human, such as diagnose people, go to work, and have dance offs. Oddly enough they have kept all three of these traits, which is why Operation: Strictly Ballroom was so important, despite not actually being implemented yet. Well, while I was watching one of their annual base jumping competition, where the goal is to actually succeed in jumping from building to building, I found something odd in the office building they were jumping from. The zombies like to roam about, issues with personal space I suspect, but they all avoided one room in particular. I checked it out and as it turns out it was filled information about the Internal Revenue Service. So great is their reach that even the European Union zombies feared the IRS section of the building. I picked up a sheet of the paper with my zombified hands, only to have them catch on fire. After I managed to put myself out I tried again using a pair of nearby tweezers, that worked well enough until they came to life and tried to tweeze me. I barely got away with my eyebrows intact. By this point the IRS sheet was outside and near a factory, so I fueled up a forklift and tried to carry the sheet using the heavy machinery. That went about as well as the other two attempts. The forklift came to life, broke the tweezers out of the building I had trapped them in, caught on fire, and then headed off in the direction of Old Arkham. I sent two priests after it, one young, one old, but I haven't heard anything back from them.

I would advise against heading over to that area if you like having hair.

Searching the IRS room a bit more I came across an IRS badge and decided to put it on. Empowered by the badge I found myself immune to the effects of the IRS sheets. As I walked around my fellow zombies with a sheet of IRS paper I noticed they tended to flee in terror, I also found myself getting shot at more by humans. Shortly thereafter I attempted an audit on an NT building, only to find myself stabbed by more needles filled with odd substances then all the jocks in the world...combined. Remembering that Caiger was on the list for the zombie tour bus, I scampered over here to reveal this information to you.

So here's the plan: If we raid the office buildings close to the mall we may be able to gather enough IRS sheets to drive the zombies off, just make sure you find an IRS badge before you pick of the sheets up. We really don't need a possessed filing cabinet roaming about the mall. Oh and make sure you find actual IRS badges and sheets, not those cheap Hong Kong knockoffs. The zombies can tell the diffrence. Prepare to begin Operation: FICA-W4-CTC-ITIN-TCE-TY-VITA-VRPP...oh to hell with it, lets just call it Operation: Raging Bureaucracy.

Oh, and if anyone says: 'Badges? We don't need to stinking badges!' they will be shot.

Result: Successfully avoided an HP audit.

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