Difference between revisions of "Talk:RRF/Malton Herald & Sun"

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==Back-up Talk==
Original version is at [[RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/BackupTalk]] and will be moved back here after this is done. -[[User:MHSstaff|MHSstaff]] 20:56, 22 September 2010 (BST)
==Necrotech and [[Zombies Unlimited]] Press Release==
==Necrotech and [[Zombies Unlimited]] Press Release==
''As of April 1, 2007, Necrotech has initiated testing of a new "zombie socialization promoting pheromone".  This scent attractant is particularly effective against the "young" zombies who have only been dead a short while. The pheromone causes those susceptible to gather in large, docile groups, where they are no danger to nearby survivors.  The pheromone has a limited range (about as far as a zombie can travel in a day) and Necrotech has limited supplies and production capacity, though we are looking for ways to produce more.''
''As of April 1, 2007, Necrotech has initiated testing of a new "zombie socialization promoting pheromone".  This scent attractant is particularly effective against the "young" zombies who have only been dead a short while. The pheromone causes those susceptible to gather in large, docile groups, where they are no danger to nearby survivors.  The pheromone has a limited range (about as far as a zombie can travel in a day) and Necrotech has limited supplies and production capacity, though we are looking for ways to produce more.''

Revision as of 19:56, 22 September 2010

Back-up Talk

Original version is at RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/BackupTalk and will be moved back here after this is done. -MHSstaff 20:56, 22 September 2010 (BST)

Necrotech and Zombies Unlimited Press Release

As of April 1, 2007, Necrotech has initiated testing of a new "zombie socialization promoting pheromone". This scent attractant is particularly effective against the "young" zombies who have only been dead a short while. The pheromone causes those susceptible to gather in large, docile groups, where they are no danger to nearby survivors. The pheromone has a limited range (about as far as a zombie can travel in a day) and Necrotech has limited supplies and production capacity, though we are looking for ways to produce more.

As of May 1, 2007, Necrotech is proud to announce it's new partnership with Zombies Unlimited, initiated in an attempt to improve conditions for the survivors of the zombie outbreak in Malton. We will be providing this new technology free of charge to Zombies Unlimited, paying all production expenses out of our own pocket and forgoing any licensing fees. In exchange, Zombies Unlimited will (among other tasks) fly, land, and maintain drones planes, using them to emplace and maintain pheromone dispensers at certain key points in the city, in an effort to draw otherwise potentially dangerous predators to those areas and pacify them. The fact that this activity allows our employees (and hence the company and its properties) to benefit by studying a fairly "tame" mass of zombies is, of course, no sway on Necrotech's altruism. Designated target points for this effort are:

Wire Service

The Malton Associated Press, a (relatively) unbiased wire service serving the Malton area, has begun operations. Feel free to reprint stories. --Halocakes 22:41, 20 October 2006 (BST)

  • Update: For your convenience, a template has also been created that will place a list of the top headlines on your page. Insert {{MAP Current Top News Headlines}} in your wiki, and the most up-to-date headlines will be fed to your page. --Halocakes 16:40, 21 October 2006 (BST)

Archives

  • Below are the archives of past issues. Please limit the discussion to above this point. Thank you.

Note: Everything below will eventually be re-wikified into article format again, and added to the archive section in some distant future. We'll see when that happens though.--MHSstaff 22:11, 1 September 2009 (BST)

Need to be Moved

News In Brief

Note: I have no idea what to do with these. -MHSstaff 20:44, 22 September 2010 (BST)

Excursion Destroys SW Malton

  • The RRF's Excursion has laid a path of destruction across Southwest Malton not seen in this area of town since the Big Bash. In a short period of time, the RRF has destroyed Marven Mall, South Blythville, Wykewood, Nixbank, Ruddlebank, Thompson Mall and Lockettside. While the elusive tanning bed has escaped the RRF, the horde has enjoyed Orange Juliuses in Marven Mall, ate Murray Jay's friends in Nixbank, ate the Fake RRF and saw a sneaky bastard in a C4NT van driving away from Thompson Mall to the Southeast....

GMT Breakfast Club Wins Special Olympics

  • It has, in fact, been so long since the last edition of the paper came out that we at the Malton Herald & Sun never got to tell you about the thrilling conclusion of the Ridleybank Special Olympics. After going back and forth for much of the month, the GMT Breakfast Club and Auxunit 10 raced down the wire, each group killing hundreds of harmanz throughout the month. However, as the Olympics came to a close, the GMT BC was victorious. When asked to comment about the victory, GMTer Pookie Romero commented, "Of course we won. We're quite good at killing people."

Mall Tour Rolls

  • After being held up at Stickling Mall for over a month, Mall Tour '07 has been chewing up malls and spitting them out in recent months. Recent victims include Dowdney Mall and Treweeke Mall. Right now the Mall Tour is in the process of destroying Giddings Mall. While their next target is classified information, there have been rumors swirling of the Mall Tour and the Excursion meeting at some point....

Militant Order of Barhah Forms

  • A new horde has arisen under the guidance of Jorm and the Barhah Brigade. The new Militant Order of Barhah has formed under the doctrine of Radical Barhah Fundamentalism. These fundies completely reject any revivification even for death culting and feel that a zombie is corrupt unless it owns Brain Rot. While their stances may seem controversial, no one can doubt the efficiency of this new horde as it has destroyed much of Northeast Malton in the last month.

The United Front of Zombie Propaganda

Special Olympics Update

  • In a stunning upset, RRF legend Papa Petro was defeated in the Pantless Exercises category by Gore Corps upstart Heiki. While many zombies debated whether Heiki's use of ping pong balls was acceptable under the rules of competition, Papa Petro put the event behind him by crushing the field in the Squaredancing Competition. Also, the Packers won the Intramural Football event, sweeping their way past Group H's vaulted defense; Brett Favre was the game's MVP. Several zombies were heard joking that the only championship the Packers could win this year would be against opponents that weren't living.
  • In the all-important group competition, Auxunit 10 and The GMT Breakfast Club have pulled away from the rest of the competition. At the time of publication AU10 had just taken a one point lead on the GMT's, 99-98.

Group 0 Descends on South Blythville

  • In an ambitious attack, Deathbymoshpit has lead the depleted population of the Group 0 horde into South Blythville and Marven Mall. While Mr. Moshpit has acknowledge that Group 0 is facing an uphill battle, he maintains that the horde shall grow and the harmanz of Southern Malton shall make an excellent meal.

Nichols Ransacked for Millionth Time

  • Gore Corps member Stray Zombie became the lucky winner of the Nichol's Mall "One Millionth Ransacker" contest. As he smashed through display cases and overturned fake plastic trees Ed McMahon and a camera crew showed up to give him his prize. Unfortunately Mr. Zombie did not get his award, as he ate Mr. McMahon before he was presented with the award.

Red Guards Eat Zombie Chicken

  • Beloved Gore Corps mascot Zombie Chicken disappeared early Tuesday morning only to have his bones found -- picked clean -- in the Red Guards' HQ. Theories as to why the Red Guards did such a thing range from a Lo Mein noodle surplus to an attempt to intimidate the Gore Corps for the Special Olympics. Red Guard King Romero I, though, offered a different explanation: "Dude, we're zombies, not college students. We don't just eat the same thing every day. Besides, we couldn't find Zombie Dauchsund."

Ruskies, Drago Occupy "Security Zone"

  • With the CMS and PTT both recently crumbling at the hands of zombies in Malton, the survivors have been looking for a new great hope. That hope may have come in the form of the USSR. While little is known about the group, they are every bit as annoying as either the PTT or the CMS and... they have Ivan Drago on their side. In a recent interview Mr. Drago told the Malton Herald & Sun, "You will lose... I cannot be defeated. No man can defeat me. I will fight real champion. If he dies, he dies... I must break you... To the end."

GMT Breakfast Club Takes Early Lead

  • With the Ridleybank Special Olympics underway (see below), the GMT Breakfast Club has jumped out to a quick lead in the team competition. There's still a long way to go before the team competition is over, and even the Malton Herald & Sun newsroom has been the seen of continuous smack talk between Executive Editor Murray Jay Suskind and Staff Writer Goolina.

Ridleybank Cub Scouts Formed

  • For those with a taste for brainz after work (or for those across the pond, before bedtime), the Ridleybank Cub Scouts just may be the strike team for you. Please submit all applications along with a bonewood derby racer to zosoxzepplinzfreak on the RRF Forums.

Shacknews Set to Retire

  • The juggernaut known as Shacknews is officially retiring from UrbanDead. In a period of just over two months, Shacknews lead the charge against the Blackmore Building, Barhah Mall, Stickling Mall and Giddings Mall amongst many other harman enclaves. With the most powerful of survivor strongholds all smashed and ranshacked, the horde had nothing left to prove and has moved onto Nexus War. We here at the Malton Herald & Sun, and everyone at the RRF wishes them the best of luck.

Giddings Falls

  • In the send-off party of the year, Shacknews and many other zombies (including the RRF) ranshacked one final target: The Giddings Mall. The battle was brief and saw a reappearance and another disappearance of the PTT. The brain buffet was massive and zombahz from all around Malton took part in the excellent sampling. However, there were some complaints of some of the brains tasting the exact same...

Barhah Mall Still Filled With Barhah

Other News Sources

  • The RRF is always open to other news sources, even ones that do not adequately cover the triumphs of the RRF due to unfounded perceptions of bias. Because of that, we have posted the Malton Associated Press headlines below.

Shearbank Renamed Shackbank

Stickling Mall Ransacked

  • Ding dong! The PTT's gone, the PTT's dead, the wicked PTT. Ding Dong! The PTT is deaaaad!

Mr. Whippey Tastes Gooooood

  • A contingent of ferals, RRF squads and the Shacknews horde have taken the Whippey Building in Shearbank, a critical Necrotech facility adjacent to Stickling Mall. With other Necrotech buildings being further away and hundreds of zombies smashing against the barricades daily, it's only a matter of time before Stickling Mall, and the PTT, the self confessed defenders of Shearbank, are undermined. Zombie morale in the area is reported to be high, but then when is it not? BARHAH!

Mascot Stolen

  • Unit pride and esprit de corps took a turn for the absurd on Friday, December 08, when the RRF Group H strike team, Auxunit 10, kidnapped the zombified mascot of Group 2(currently serving under the combined banner of the RRF’s Group 0), Pickles the Elephant. The inter-unit prank was spearheaded by Auxunit 10 member, pyromonkey, in order to add the putrefying pachyderm to the strike team’s already considerable menagerie of zombie-animal mascots. Immediately after his successful kidnapping, Pickles joined AU10 in their assault of the Nisbet building in southern Shearbank, apparently assaulting the harman barricades with great gusto. It remains to be seen whether Pickles will remain with his new caretakers or if the Group 0 strike teams will offer a counter to AU10’s jovial assault, inevitably plunging the RFF’s many units into a costly war of Mutually Assured Distraction (it is reported that the Gore Corps zombie chicken is already under extra guard, due to the Red Guards' desire to make Cashew Chicken brainz).

And The Blackmore Building is Toast! Again

  • With great heroism on both sides the Second Battle Over Blackmore is over the building is smashed and the party has begun. One particularly religious meal wrote "If there is a god, he has no power in Ridleybank..." on the wall before swan diving into the horde
  • This reporter managed to get in only hours ago but even then the situation was deeply hopeless, a growing number of 100 zombies vs a paltry shrinking 50, atlast the strain was to much, the final survivors, broken men, laid down their guns and were overtaken. The Malton Herald & Sun was on hand to hear a statment by Tenebrys who was heard to exclaim:
  • "No, there's no use in fleeing, I'll just stay here, I can't take it any longer!" Cockroaches every one of us, cockroaches! We have no place fighting them, only in hiding from them. I only wish my bretheren had understood they never did they kept coming back here! Now, we are crushed once more! I can't take it any longer! I'm not going to take it any longer!! This time, I'm never going back, I'm never going to be human again, I've... lost my faith in humanity! All of you here, those who still draw breath, I say this to you: All ye survivors, serve your god well if he ever decides to call our souls to him as he once did, he'll honor you. Until then, I offer my flesh to the hordes"
  • Tenebrys died shortly thereafter

Shacknews Levels Yagoton

  • Shacknews, the shining young zombie group that has taken Malton by storm, completely leveled Yagoton this week. Included amongst the ransacked ruins of the suburb were Bale Mall and the Yagoton Revivification Clinic. The latest intel indicates that Shacknews has moved onto Shearbank to take on arguably the most powerful survivor stronghold left in the city. It remains to be seen whether the PTT and company can hold out longer than Barhah Mall did.

Barhah Mall Still Ransacked

  • The efforts of the CRF and other ferals have left the Barhah Mall in a state of ransack for over two weeks. What was once the survivors' greatest beacon of harmanity is now nothing but smoldering ruins, occupied by only zombies. It truly is a beautiful sight to behold.

Caiger Resistance Front Formed

  • In the aftermath of the stunning collapse of Barhah Mall, a new zombie horde has formed, dedicated to keeping Barhah Mall out of harman hands. Formed largely from RRF alts, Rezzens members, Brainstock Members and Big Bash members, the Caiger Resistance Front is rapidly becoming a zombie horde in Malton on par with the RRF and even the massively destructive Shacknews horde. Formed by the striking Fidel Castro (who bears a striking resemblance to Papa Sonny), the CRF shall make sure that the Barhah Mall stays the Barhah Mall.

Game Stats in Balance, Survivors Throw Shitfit

  • With the revitalization of the RRF, sweeping success of Shacknews and the rise of the new CRF, a truly remarkable event is about to take place... actual game balance in UrbanDead.
  • This has not sat well with harmanz. "Come on! 50-50 balance between zombies and humans! That's not fair at all!" Exclaimed one distraught harman.
  • "If things keep going like this, there has to be a survivor walkout," explained a trenchcoater. "I mean, an even battle? That's just disgraceful."

Red Guards Threaten PTT For No Real Reason

  • Chairman Suskind of the Red Guards (Full Disclosure: This is the same Suskind that runs the Malton Herald & Sun) recently made some bold, saber rattling comments to the PTT. "Shearbank is rightly a part of greater Ridleybank. In fact, we do not officially acknowledge the existence of Shearbank. Any harmanz claiming that our land across the straights of Roachtown is a seperate suburb called 'Shearbank' will be re-educated in a most brutal fashion." While the comments are quite bold, analysts say they stem from a Maoist's natural rivalry with anything from Taiwan. The Red Guards are currently in Ridleybank and appear not to be making any serious moves to Shearbank.

Zombie Shot Twice in Head, Gets Mad

  • Bruno Tattaglia, a zombie shambling around the Blackmore Building, flew into a rage earlier today when he was headshot twice in one day. "Damnit! Now I have to stand up twice!" shouted Tattaglia. "I mean, I'm only gonna be able to attack with 38 ap tomorrow." When asked to describe his assailants, he simply said, "Uh... they were wearing trenchcoats. And one of them was carrying a sword for some reason."

Caiger Ransacked

  • In a building with infinitely more real worth and infinitely more symbolic value than the Blackmore Building ever will be, the harmanz have suffered perhaps their greatest defeat. Last night the Caiger Mall was ransacked due largely to the efforts of the Shacknews horde, but also due to considerable help from area ferals and a small RRF presense. In celebration there has been extensive partying, square dancing, BARHAH! and Appleflappin... whatever that is.

Caiger Re-Christened

  • In a brief cerimony on Friday morning attended by massive numbers of the Shacknews horde and various ferals, the RRF officially re-christened the Caiger Mall, Barhah Mall. The name is fitting, as this its fall exemplifies the single greatest moment of Barhah in Urban Dead history.

Ridleybank Attacked

  • Harman insurgents attacked bases and zombese offices in Ridleybank, in central Malton, and then dispersed throughout the city, reports say.
  • Heavily-armed insurgents fired shotguns, pistols and distress flares from the buildings and then briefly occupied several main buildings, residents told the Malton Herald and Sun. Ridleybank has been a zambah stronghold since the early outbreaks.
  • AU10 spokeswoman Strike Commander Elizabeth Vignelli told the Malton Sun & Herald that the militants had simply fired a hand held distress flare at a joint RRF/Feral Undead observation post at 0930 (0630 GMT). "As of 1400 (1100 GMT), there were no signs of any significant insurgent activity anywhere in the city. The surrounding buildings have been barricaded and the harmanz are free running back to their one defensive structure." SC Vignelli accused the militants of exaggerating the scale of the attack. "They're claiming that they have liberated Ridleybank! They're all holed up in one Necrotech facility! This is clearly a sign of how desperate insurgents have become."
  • With the sound of feeding groans echoing around the suburb, coupled with the sounds of small arms fire, the skirmishes appear to be dying down. "You only have to look at the sheer number of Comrades policing the streets to see how far their 'liberation' has actually got."

Blackmore Building Renamed "Green Zone"

  • At a short dedication ceremony on Wednesday, a number of harmanz triumphantly renamed the Blackmore Building the Green Zone. "This is our bastion of freedom in Ridleybank," said one survivor. "We have liberated this land." The occupiers of the Green Zone have been completely unable to secure the rest of the land they claim to have liberated, being subject to frequent, devastating attacks everywhere else in Ridleybank. "At least the Green Zone is secure... except for the occasional attack," confided another survivor.

ZK'ers Continue to Waste AP

  • Earlier this afternoon, undead residents of the Blackmore building and surrounding area noticed a suspicious zombie lurking around the premises, attacking other zombies and leaving them critically injured. The RRF constabulatory has tracked down the identity of this asailant through blood and tissue samples left at the scene. Thier name is One Angry Zed. When the constabulatory arrived at his last known whereabouts, he was nowhere to be seen. Be advised, this is one angry zed, and will attack without provocation. Members are instructed to use keep extreme caution when this zombie is spotted.

New Strike Team Formed

  • There has been an increasing presence of Maoist Red Guards in Ridleybank, striking in the early afternoon, GMT (morning in the States). They are noted for their ideological devotion and their ever-present copies of the Little Book of Barhah! The Malton Herald & Sun will continue to watch this team's development.

Barhahween Costume Contest Winners Announced

  • The RRF is proud to announce the following winners of the first ever Barhahween Costume Contest.
  • First Prize goes to the Herald & Sun's own Exham for his "French Maid"
  • Second Prize goes to Pyromonkey for his truly scary "Michael Jackson"
  • Third Prize goes to the Herald & Sun's own Murray Jay Suskind for his "Giant Centipede Trenchcoater Voodoo Doll"

ZK'ers Waste AP in Blackmore

Barhahween Tomorrow

'Tiz the hour for Barhahween
  • With the upcoming Barhahween festivities, the harmanz have grown increasingly confused as zeds have started shambling about Malton in various tattered Barhahween costumes. The harmanz may be confused, but the RRF knows exactly what they're doing and may come by to explain the holiday with a good ransacking or two.
  • Also upcoming is the RRF costume contest. Be sure to submit your costumes on the RRF Forums by the end of Barhahween for your chance to participate and win lame prizes!

All Quiet in Caiger, Latrobe Attack Repelled

  • After reports of over 70 zombies in the Latrobe Necrotech Building near Caiger Mall, the CMS demonstrated some of their legendary defensive prowess by clearing and rebarricading the building within an hour. While the RRF certainly lends its moral support to the Shacknews effort to plunder Caiger, we can't help but wonder our zombah comrades' eye sockets did not get too big for hole at the end of their esophaguses.
  • Almost immediately after the below post, our disgraced correspondent redeemed himself, calling the main H&S offices in Ridleybank. "Latrobe Building... Necrotech... Next to Caiger... Under attack! There are hundreds of them! Ahhhhh!!" From the sounds of it, Shacknews has struck next door to Caiger Mall as the initial blow of their attack. More to come.
  • 23 October -- The standard strike times of the Shacknews horde have passed without incident. A Malton Herald and Sun correspondent on scene says, "Things are a little quiet here. A little too quiet." He was fired on the spot for using such a horrible cliche. In other news, the Malton Herald & Sun is looking for a new Caiger Mall correspondent....

RRF Lays Waste to Central Malton

  • It's hard to imagine that a few weeks ago, Ridleybank was the only "red" neighborhood in Central Malton. With survivor resistance shattered and attempting to regroup before the "invasion" of November 5, the RRF has taken to cleaning up all of suburbs neighboring Ridleybank. Barricades lay smashed and most buildings are now ransacked in Pimbank, Roachtown, Stanbury Village, Roftwood, Barhahville, Galbraith Hills, Tollyton, Shackleville and Mockridge Heights. One zombie, surveying the scene from a hilltop, was heard to comment, "Wow! I haven't so much beautiful wreckage since Malton's last soccer riot!"

Caiger Mall Actually Threatened

  • With the ascendance of the zombie group Shacknews, the survivors' own eternal stronghold, the Caiger Mall is under genuine threat for the first time in months. When a Herald & Sun correspondent showed up on the scene, he thought the mall had already been overrun as it was filled with pale, misshapen bodies lurching about, but he was mistaken. "Oh, that's just the Rickets," explained one CMS member, "some of us haven't been outside in over a year. Hey can you see anywhere that I can add to the 'cades?" When asked about the specific threat of the Shacknews horde another survivor commented, "I Robocade X394P2392ZX1. Insert plastic tree."

Barhahween is coming...

  • With the ransack of Tynte Mall and its famous costume shop, the RRF has decided to hold its first ever Barhahween costume contest. The rules are simple: tell us what your Barhahween costume is (zombie werewolf, zombie vampire, etc.) and describe it in your UD profile. Link that profile to the RRF's message boards and the War Council will judge who has the best costume in various categories.
  • While the ultimate determinations will be made by the written description in your UD profile, it cannot hurt (and it will certainly be more fun) if you include a picture, drawing or photoshop of your idea while posting your submission. Also, there will be a few lame prizes awarded (special RRF forum titles! Special signature pics! Mention in the Malton Herald & Sun!) because we at the War Council are cheap and don't want to buy a nice prize and pay for postage to ship it.
  • Categories include: Best Trenchcoater, Most Sexy, Most Disturbing, Funniest, Most Bizzare, Best Caricature, Best Overall
  • All submissions must be made by midnight GMT Barhahween (October 31st) with the winner announced shortly thereafter.

Anti-Caiger Falls

  • The RRF followed-up their victory in Blackmore with a convincing rout of the Anti-Caiger Mall. The zombies were overhead groaning "Barhah" and talking about how their new opponent was much less up for a fight than the Blackmore Bastard Brigade. However, this is another definite feather in the RRF cap. The harmanz of Malton need to look out, because the RRF is back and firing on all cylinders.

Blackmore Falls

  • The RRF with considerable help from Shacknews (a shining new Zombie group), Feral Undead and Red Rum finally crushed the resistance at the Blackmore Building. It should be noted that victory wouldn't have been possible without these groups and the RRF sincerely thanks them. At the same time it was a member of the RRF that scored the final ransack, fittingly defending the Zombie homeland. While Shacknews has followed the Blackmore Bastard Brigade to the Ackland Mall, the RRF has decided to let the Bastards regroup after an excellent battle and are currently tearing apart the Anti-Caiger Mall (aka Tynte Mall).
  • Look for a full report later in the week.

Barhahween Coming

  • The RRF is preparing to bring Barhahween to Malton. This holiday is very similar to the only enjoyable harman holiday of "Halloween." On October 31st, look for zombies dressed up as other "monsters" to lurch up to neighborhood barricades, knock, and groan "trick or treat" in their native tongue.

RRF Anthem

Here is where you can find the official anthem of the RRF (click on the "re your brains" link to hear it).

Also there is an amusing YouTube video for the song made by someone with even more time on their hands than our Executive Editor.

Ridleybank Special Olympics Commence

By Murray Jay Suskind

In fields across Malton, a grand new tradition has begun: The Ridleybank Special Olympics. RRF zombies have gathered to compete in a variety of events throughout the month of January in an inspiring display of zombie will, skill and determination.

For instance, there is the story of Red Guard Roddy A, who grew up in a small Chinese village without running water and didn't have his brains eaten until the age of 24. Despite such adversity, he now holds a gold brain for possessing the fastest feeding drag in the RRF.

Other winners include Braggledorth of Auxunit 10 for the most vicious ransack and Morificant of the GMT Breakfast Club for the 100 yard lurch and the title of fastest zombie in Malton.

However, the crown jewel of the Special Olympics has to be the group competition to see which Group or Strike Team can score the most kills and ransacks. The trash talk has already commenced.

"We're quite good at killing people," explains hairyjim of the GMT Breakfast Club. "It's what we're best at, and it's a mere formality before we're crowned the champions."

Faster. Higher. Stronger... French?

This view is disputed by the leader of almost every other group. "Group 0 levels entire suburbs at a time. The only thing that could stop us from winning this is getting our zombahz to actually post their kills on the forums," said Group 0 leader deathbymoshpit.

Goolina couldn't help but voice support for her death cultists in the Gore Corps. "Our members kill at rates equal to the harmanz, because we're frequently harmanz ourselves. Other groups may have the hype, but we all know who will pull out the victory."

According to Red Guards leader Murray Jay Suskind, "Re-education of the harmanz is the ultimate goal of the Red Guards. Fortunately the beneficient re-education process will gain us ever more glory in these events. All of the harmanz in Malton shall tremble before our Little Books of Barhah and our gold brainz."

Also not to be discounted are the Packers, guided by Papa Patrucio himself, the new Ridleybank Cub Scouts, the ransack machines of Auxunit 10 as well as the veterans of a certain strike team that may not actually exist.

One thing is for certain, though; a lot of Barhah will be brought to Malton in pursuit of the gold brainz.

Group 0 Changing Hands

For the past months, Group 0 has been led fearlessly by resident brain enthusiast Droggog. His campaign led to memorable sieges on Tynte Mall, St Matthew's Cathedral, and many other (formerly) well defended Police Departments and Nerotech offices. Under his command, he led group 0 to new level of feasting and dismemberment; prosperous times for the RRF

However, as of earlier this week, the fearless leader stepped down from his comfortable position to pursue other matters close to the horde, leaving his former capo, Deathbymoshpit, who is actually superhero Reed Richards (A.K.A. Mr. Fantastic) of the Fantastic Four, in charge of running the ever-growing horde.

“This is a great experience, I’m glad I finally have the chance to…..brrrraaaaaaaaiiiiinnnnnssss….sorry…force of habit. I’m glad I finally have the chance to lead a formidable section of the horde”, says the newly appointed leader. He promptly lead Group 0 during the ransacking of both Blackmore and Nichols.

When asked about his commitment to the Malton Herald and Sun, Richards replied, “This will only help my journalism. I now have ample opportunity to head where the stories are. ‘Join the RRF! Meet lots of interesting people…and eat them’ couldn’t apply better to this situation. As we move away from home, I’ll be able to interview our brethren fighting far from home, and have the opportunity to take photographic evidence of our horde's continued prevalence in Malton.”

With the aid of a superhero at the helm, the future for Group 0 can only be full of bloodbaths, raids, and a good barhah for all. All devoted Group 0 followers are advised to watch thier forum thread closely for updates, objectives, and parties.

C4NT "Arrogant and Stupid" in Ridleybank

By Talunex

C4NT 'Arrogant And Stupid' In Ridleybank

A senior Channel 4 News Team official has said that the C4NT has shown "arrogance and stupidity" in Ridleybank. The anonymous source has made the remarks during an interview with Talunex for the Malton Herald And Sun.

The C4NT says our source was quoted incorrectly - the Malton Herald And Sun experts say this senior official did indeed use those words. It comes after Ron Burgundy discussed changing tactics with top C4NT commanders to try to combat the unrest and subsequent beatings at the hand of the Ridleybank Resistance Front, Red Rum, The Feral Undead and the juggernaut known as ShackNews.

The senior source, a fluent zombese-speaker, who is director of public diplomacy in the C4NT'S Bureau of Central Malton Affairs, told the Malton Herald And Sun that the world was "witnessing failure in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole. That's not the failure of the C4NT alone, but it is a disaster for the region," he said. "I think there is great room for strong criticism, because without doubt, there was arrogance and stupidity by the by the C4NT and The Blackmore Bastard Brigade."

He also said that the C4NT was now willing to speak to any survivor group in an effort to reduce the bloodshed at the hands of the rejuvenated zombie hordes. "We are open to dialogue because we all know that, at the end of the day, the solution to the hell and the killings in Malton is linked to an effective Malton reconciliation. We must open dialogue to stop these maurading gangs of zombies before they're smashing our strongholds and ripping the flesh from our bones"

However, another C4NT spokesman Champ Kind said: "What he [name witheld] says is that it is not an accurate quote." Mr Kind also denied that the C4NT had been guilty of arrogance or stupidity saying that history would be the judge of C4NT actions in Ridleybank.

Mr Burgundy held a video conference on the new measures with top C4NT military commanders in Ackland Mall on Saturday against the backdrop of more survivor losses in Ridleybank and the surrounding suburbs - 7800 so far this month.

A new poll suggests two-thirds of Maltonians believe the C4NT is losing the war in Ridleybank and Malton as a whole, a proportion which analysts says could translate into a drubbing at the malls for Mr Burgundy's Channel 4 News Team in the upcoming 'Second Battle Of Blackmore.'

The Malton Herald And Sun's Murray Jay Suskind in Ridleybank says that while there is no official change in C4NT strategy, change is on everyone's lips.

But another report from the Zombie News Network (ZNN) stated that officials are drawing up a timetable for the C4NT to improve security. This has been denied by both Mr Burgundy C4NT officials.

On Sunday funerals were taking place for 17 people killed in an AU10 raid on Woodroffe Mall. Local survivor groups were quite vocal in their opinion that no exit strategy exists and that they've been abandoned by the Channel Four News Team in what appears to be their darkest hour.

Better Know an Ally

Shacknews

By Murray Jay Suskind

As quick as five dollar whore, the Shacknews horde descended upon Malton, and set a path of destruction the likes of which Malton had never seen. But as quickly as they appeared, they vanished -- seemingly into thin air -- and left Malton, idled out of the game.

The times were great while they lasted, and Malton Herald & Sun recently had a chance to sit down with Chronolith, one of the Shacknews Generals to find out more about this powerful, if historic horde.

MH&S: Glad you could take some time off during the holidays to talk to us.

CL: Well, Malton has some excellent publications; as a zombie, though, I have some difficulty reading them all. Particularly, the ones with words in them... I usually just look at the pictures. For purely educational reasons, of course.

MH&S: Much like the retirement of Shacknews, your initial appearence was very swift. Just how did Shacknews pop up so quickly?

CL: Shacknews is a gaming website that's been around since 1996 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shacknews). We're a fairly tight-knit community of several thousand people, so the potential for what became the Shacknews Horde had always been there.

I first discovered Urban Dead in September 2006 after our Horde founder and general, ZeroDPX, posted about it; being a huge horror-film buff, I signed up right away. One of the most frustrating things about playing as a zombie is finding humans -- most of them hide inside barricaded buildings, which makes leveling up fairly difficult and somewhat discouraging to new players. Not to be deterred, Zero and I continued posting info on the Shacknews forums a few times each day: listing where easily-accessible humans could be found, telling new players what skills they should buy once they leveled up, and so on ( example -- http://www.shacknews.com/ja.zz?id=12836353 ).

Existing players got the idea and started participating in these discussion threads, and over time, the description of our nightly activities closely resembled stories. More people got interested enough in what they saw to create new characters, and that's how it snowballed. At the height of our power at Caiger Mall, we had ~250 active raiders participating each night; as of last night, when we officially retired the Horde, just under 300 people were on our nightly raiding instructions list.

Thank you for a job well done.

MH&S: What do you think was the greater triumph: Finally taking down Caiger or routing the PTT?

CL: Caiger Mall, without question. Most of the big groups, including the Big Bash and the RRF, were so discouraged by previous incidents of barricade-zerging at Caiger Mall that they refused to return there. We knew what we were up against, but we felt we had both the numbers and the strategy to get the job done. Succeeding where none others had, and in the face of all naysayers, was a very gratifying experience.

As far as the PTT (at Stickling Mall) are concerned, they defeated themselves. Our siege of the Whippey Building -- the Necrotech facility closest to Stickling Mall -- was the hardest battle we've ever fought, Caiger Mall included, and the PTT and their allies were relentless in their defense of it. However, once we ransacked Whippey after 9 nights of siege, there was zero resistance when we attacked the mall - nothing. We ransacked one of the corners of Stickling Mall six hours after our first attempt at directly attacking the mall. Once inside, we hardly saw any of the PTTers that we saw nightly inside Whippey -- they were gone. So routing the PTT turned out to be a non-issue for us.

MH&S: What are Shacknews' plans for Nexus War?

CL: We're taking it easy right now. Nexus War is far more complex than Urban Dead, so it'll take some time before our players become familiar with the game and its intricacies. And after spending 3-5 hours each day, 7 days a week, for 4+ months helping to organize the Shacknews Horde in UD, I've resumed the role of a soldier in Nexus War. I need the rest.  :)

The potential is there for Shacknews to become another power-player in Nexus War. But in the end, we play games to have fun, not necessarily to win for the sake of winning. If Shacknews never grows beyond a small group of dedicated or even casual players, that's OK, too. Having fun is Priority One.

MH&S: You've mentioned that while the Shacknews horde will depart from the game, many of the members will still stick around. Will Chronolith continue playing Urban Dead? If so, what are your plans for him?

CL: Last night, the Shacknews Horde travelled to the Brain Museum in Rhodenbank, where most of us will remain for the foreseeable future. That includes Chronolith: I owe that much to my fellow raiders.

MH&S: Way to go out on top. On a more serious note: Is it true that you were once caught wearing pants?

CL: Not only is it true, but it's also not false! What kind of a leader would I be if I chose to wear pants?

MH&S: What, precisely, is appleflappin?

CL: Like the term "barhah", "appelflappen" is not something that can be easily defined. What can be explained is that our patron saint, Maarten, is the sole purveyor appelflappen. It is -- was -- the hope of every raider to bring greater glory to Maarten by their own actions. And in doing so, increase their chances of Maarten bestowing appelflappen upon them.

MH&S: I see. Final question... The RRF: Great zombie horde or greatest zombie horde?

CL: Great zombie Horde, but not the greatest. With the promise of greatness comes the possibility of failure; and by declaring a moratorium against Caiger Mall, the RRF limited not only their capacity for failure, but greatness as well.

MH&S: Ouch. Don't know a way to counter that one. Thank you for your time.

Better Know an Enemy

Quartly Study Group

By Goolina

Ah, the fair city of Malton - home to zambahz and harmanz whose main goals are the eradication of one another. But wait! There's more to Malton than pitched battles between various groups. A lone candle of literacy and intelligent rhetoric has been lit in the besieged suburb of Roftwood, shining its light on all who hunger for more than blood or brainz in these trying times.

Overseeing this bastion of all thing literary is Sir Fred of Etruria, an affable librarian at the Quartly Library, as well as the leader of the Quartly Study Group. Beloved by harmanz and zambahz alike, the busy Sir Fred took the time to sit down with the Malton Herald & Sun for this exclusive interview.

Goolina: How did the Quartly Study Group get started, and what are their goals?

Sir Fred: At first the librarians were lost without cause. The friends I knew in life who'd entered the battle in Malton were divided and spread to the four corners. But in the center of this maelstrom of zombie activity, we found the Quartly library. At first the Quartly Library was a way-station, a meeting place, a safe-house out of the way. Fairly centrally located, and near enough honest resource points to make the library a very low priority target but guarantee nearby action... I was surprised a group wasn't based there already. Only after my friends told me that "we are the only lit building in the suburb" did I realize we had made Malton a little more intriguing.

Ready for some reading?

The goals of the Quartly Study Group are thus: To protect the Quartly library, QSG members, and the head librarian; to operate our revive point for friends, guests, and the little ones; to survive in unrealistic situations; to spread interest in great authors like Vonnegut; and to secure libraries, and should a library not be available a school or museum should suffice.

Goolina: I've heard of the Apocalypse Horde Slow Readers. Are you guys connected with them in any way?

Sir Fred: During a particularly nasty battle with the Apocalypse Horde, we were the last group to stay in Roftwood. After they'd driven all the other groups out, they had the troops to dedicate sixteen of their members to the continued assault of the Quartly Librarians. Mz. Tonin did coin the phrase the Apocalypse Horde Slow Readers Group, but we are not affiliated. We have vendetta.

Goolina: Seriously though...why librarians?

Sir Fred: Being fans of the zombie-survival and one-liners, we quickly realized a more 'role-play' oriented group was needed. The professions in Malton are combatants, healers, zombies, and the rare civilian. The civilian was embraced, fleshed out, and given a classy home in the Quartly Library.

Goolina: And it’s a classy home indeed. However, you’re not just shelving books all the time. What are some of the major battles the QSG has participated in?

Sir Fred: I first cut my teeth at the Bear-Pit II, but then after the glory of combat the Big Bash crushed all of us on July 19th/20th. Next we had the victorious operation “Roftwood is for Readers.” Upon securing our homestead, we took a trip over to Ridleybank, to the Blackmore NT. During the first week of the Blackmore Occupation, the Apocalypse Horde started attacking our home suburb. We were in sieges everywhere we went... We were buried by the Apocalypse Horde at home, overwhelmed by four times our numbers. Eventually we recruited the Rangers to clear our namesake. This period of occupation by the Apocalypse Horde was on and off for four months. Then when Blackmore II happened we were invited, but it was entirely someone else's conflict. When the zombies were finally freed from Blackmore II they celebrated by visiting Roftwood. The Library held against a horde that exceeded the three-to-one ratio... twenty zombies to the six librarians within. Since then we prefer to keep the battle-lines outside of our neighborhood - the recent pre-Christmas trip to Caiger mall, and the current crisis in Stanbury Village, for example.

Goolina: The Zombie lecture series has been pretty popular. Are there any particular zombies you'd like to have as guest speakers? If so, who are they and why?

Sir Fred: Other than any of the RRF papas? I guess people we've fought. I already saw Graaaaaargh walk through here once. That was a huge surprise. I think Brett Favre and Spooge McDuck are members of the RRF that I'd like to swap war stories with. But the guest who would probably give an intriguing lecture is BaronSamedi, a level 42 who logged in a year before I started!

Goolina: If you suddenly decided to leave the harman life behind, which group would you want to join? Or would you want to start your own horde?

Sir Fred: Oh, a lovely question. Zombie skills are aimed at getting zambahz of different races and creeds to work together. Of course, I would join the Ridleybank Resistance Front, but the true spirit of barhah is found in the hearts of the ferals who brought the cades down to quite-strongly. Barhah to the non-affiliated!

Goolina: There's been talk of wild parties and other scandalous happenings at Quartly, and rumor has it that Paris Hilton has been seen leaving the library at the wee hours. Care to comment on these sordid tales?

Sir Fred: I will confirm that we have had some sordid exchanges in the Quartly Library's large print annex, but the rumors about Paris are lies and slander. I think you had better apologize to her before she sues you for implying she was in a library! How un-trendy...

Goolina: What's on your recommended reading list for harmanz and for zombies?

Sir Fred: For humans I recommend a book that celebrates the strength of individualism over an ever-pervading social structure: We the Living, by Ayn Rand. And for the zombies, a tale of triumph over sole-crushing evil through trust and cooperation: Divine Invasion, by Phillip K. Dick.

Goolina: What does the future hold for the Quartly Study Group - and indeed for literacy - in Malton?

Sir Fred: Well, the zombie lecture series is ongoing. Just recently a brain-rotted zombie broke through our barricades to join the discussion. And we will continue to go on daring suicide missions. For example, we slept in the Accourt Library, in Ridleybank, on the night of Jan 4th. Otherwise, we will attempt to spread class to the rest of Malton, for we have discovered that class is the delivery mechanism for literacy.

Goolina: Final question - which leader is classier, Ron Burgundy or Papa Patrucio?

Sir Fred: Hey, I want to go drinking with both those guys. They exhibit class on many levels and always encourage people to make more of Malton for themselves. But I've seen Patrucio's humor and good nature with some of the younglings on his forum, it was quite classy.

Goolina: Right, so I'll put you down as saying Papa Patrucio is the classier leader. Thanks for your time, Sir Fred. As always, it's a pleasure.


USSR

By Murray Jay Suskind

Cold weather, bleak factories, alcohol consumption. No, my friends, it's not Gary, Indiana. It's Part 5 of our ongoing series: Better Know an Enemy.

The USSR: The Fightin' R! Originating from the ashes of the Second Battle of Blackmore (and the related battle at Nichols Mall), the USSR is a survivor group dedicated to protecting the Survivor Security Zone and putting fear into the undead residents of Malton. We recently had a chance to sit down with Public Relations Officer Protomorph in the Vere Cinema. Here's what he had to say.

MH&S: Good to meet you.

PM: Greetings, my rotting friend. Let me introduce myself. My name is Protomorph and I am the official public relations officer of the Urban Stalkers of Soviet Russia.

MH&S: Speaking as a Red Guard, the harmanz are clearly the Capitalist Roaders of Malton. Why would any good Communist want to repair and hang out in malls so much?

PM: Exactly. Why would any communist hang out in a mall? If your zombie brains are too rotted to realize this, let me explain... Soviet does not equal Communist. We are the Urban Stalkers of Soviet Russia. Soviet Russia, not Communist Russia. Hah. We laugh at you and your miserable attempt to ask a misleading question. The so-called Red Guards are clearly the capitalist pigs of Malton who invert the ideals of the free and equal Malton.

MH&S: So the people who destroy malls, eat brains and live in the street are capitalist pigs?

PM: Well, except for the living on the street part, yes. Since the zombies won't let the working people (cops, firefighters, doctors, consumers, etc) to live a normal life, a life where they can safely shop in the malls and wake up with their brain intact, then yes, they are capitalist pigs. Well, just look at them. They destroy the barricades, which were built by the working people. They eat the brains of the working people who are trying to survive through the day! Zombies are greedy creatures, always hungry for more brains, while a normal, working citizen has as much brains as the next guy. And if that's not an indicator that zombies are the capitalists, then I don't know what is. Zombies are clearly the ones who started this mess, and I am sure, if the zombies would stop biting and just quietly surrendered, we would have a peaceful and nice city. Malton belongs to everybody, but it doesn't mean that anyone can go and destroy something that a 100 people, working together, built overnight. Only a capitalist would declare that he has a right to be in charge of other people's property. Am I right or am I right?

MH&S: Never thought of it that way, I always viewed the horde as the ultimate proletariat working together to take down the decadent bourgious who hide behind walls. Anyway, the USSR sprung up quite quickly as one of the RRF's strongest and most organized opponents. How did the USSR rise up so quickly?

PM: Our founder Mike Madman Calwert has found quite a large number of people who shared the same beliefs that he had. Then, seeing that we are indeed bringing peace and justice to the suburbs of Malton as well as fear into the hearts of the zombies, even more survivors have decided to join us. We are very organized because most of the stalkers are former soldiers and know how to follow orders.

MH&S: What are the goals of the USSR?

PM: There is a saying, in Malton, you fear zombies, in Soviet Russia, zombies fear YOU! And, since the USSR is here, we will make the zombies of Malton experience the same fear that the zombies back in Soviet Russia have. We will unite the stalkers of Malton. We will clear out Roftwood and the Survivor Security Zone. Hope to see you and your rotting friends there, so I can personally shoot a flare through your head. Then, we will crush the zombie threat in every corner of the fine city of Malton and nothing will stop us.

MH&S: Nice Yakov Smirnoff reference. Although I have to ask, don't you have to be alive to feel fear?

PM: Trust me, even the undead will feel our wrath. If you rotters have anything left in the place where your brain used to be, they you will experience fear.

MH&S: There have been complaints from survivor groups about members of the USSR shooting zombies at revive points. Is this a language-barrier problem, enforcement of your no zombie skills policy or something else?

PM: As far as we know, there were no complaints about our members not abiding by the rules of the revive points, so your question is inherently wrong. But I will assure you, my dead friend, that the rule five of the USSR official policy prohibits "attacking zombies on a Revive Point and Sacred Ground (cemetries, churches)." is well in order. Your anti-USSR propaganda will not succeed.

MH&S: That info was actually passed onto me by members of the Malton Rangers and the Quartly Study Group (I don't stand at revive points, so I wouldn't know). As far as anti-USSR propaganda goes... Will it succeed when beat you?

PM: I would imagine that we would be the first ones to be notified if such an incident indeed took place. Alas, neither Malton Rangers, nor QSG, who I might say are our very good friends, never even mentioned anything about the revive kills. And, above all, I am surprised why would anybody in both of these fine groups pass this kind of information to a zombie. We deny that this kind of incident has ever taken place. As for propaganda - do whatever you want, we know that in the end the truth will prevail.

MH&S: Well, there are a lot of Rangers that read this, so now they know to come to you. Getting back to the no zombie skills policy, don't you think that's a bit anti-zedmetic?

PM: To answer this question, I will quote Joe Stalin:

In answer to your inquiry: Survivor and human chauvinism is a vestige of the misanthropic customs characteristic of the period of cannibalism. Anti-zedmetism, as an extreme form of survivor chauvinism, is the most dangerous vestige of cannibalism.
Anti-zedmetism is of advantage to the exploiters as a lightning conductor that deflects the blows aimed by the survivors at zombies. Anti-zedmetism is dangerous for the survivors as being a false path that leads them off the right road and lands them in the jungle. Hence Urban Stalkers, as consistent interzombialists, cannot but be irreconcilable, sworn enemies of anti-zedmetism.
In the USSR anti-zedmetism is punishable with the utmost severity of the law as a phenomenon deeply hostile to the Soviet system. Under USSR law active anti-zedmites are liable to the death penalty.

So, no. Our policy is not anti-zedmetic. We just don't like those with too much zombie in their blood. Who knows, today you swear your allegiance to the USSR and tomorrow you are working as a z-spy for RRF.

MH&S: Don't spies have to deceive others about who they are? I mean, have you ever seen an RRF member that didn't have "Ridleybank Resistance Front" in their profile?

PM: Obviously they do and, unfortunately, we cannot protect ourselves against pure-human spies. Our policy is directed to those "people", who are choosing to be a human one day, and after they get themselves killed, fight on the zombie side.

MH&S: Would you consider the Survivor Security Zone more like NATO or more like The Warsaw Pact?

PM: Both. The spirit of the people are akin the spirit of the countries involved in the Warsaw Pact. Strong and united. The organization of the SSZ is more like NATO. Bringing ruthless destruction to the zombie hordes, by any means necessary.

MH&S: Last question, the RRF: Great UD group or Greatest UD group?

PM: Niether. RRF will fail no matter what you are going to call yourself. That is all I have to say.

MH&S: I'm sorry, the only choices I have are great and greatest.

PM: Well, then you are out of choices.

MH&S: Okay, how about I just mark you down as saying "great" since you don't think we're the greatest?

PM: ...


Vito the Don

By Murray Jay Suskind

I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse: Who's a harman enemy that's legendary for both his worthiness in battle and his excellent canollis (if they were only filled with brainz...)? Well, it's none other than part three in our ongoing series, "Better Know an Enemy."

Vito the Don: The Fightin' Don! A longtime stalwart of the Corleones, the Channel 4 News Team and former leader of the Malton Rangers, Vito is now running his own C4NT strike team, the UCCS. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Don outside of Fort Perryn. Here's what he had to say.

MH&S: You recently started a new strike team under the C4NT banner. What are the goals of the team?

Vito: Well the unofficail goal of the UCCS is to try to retake one of the forts, most likely Perryn when we get enough members, I also recently was accepted as to be part of the Gingerbread Men, as i am told some of you zeds still cringe in fear of the name, get ready for a lot more cringing commin at ya soon.

MH&S: Huh, I always thought that fear was for the living. Anyway, there's very clearly some animosity between you and Dickhole Guy. He's also very... uh... "appreciated" over at the RRF boards. This being an RRF publication, do you have anything you wish to say to DHG?

Vito consults a Consiglierie while being interviewed by Murray.

Vito: Dickhole, you took my group, you slanderd me and you tried to deny events that happen before you joined the NMC. Some words of advice: No one can change the past and as much as you might want to you do not control your future. Though you toppled me, as all tyrants you have made an enemy in the people you control.

MH&S: I know I wouldn't want to be on the bad side of a Don. So you've been playing UD for a while. What would you say was your shining hour?

Vito: Ahh, the battle of the bearpit, or the Barville invasion. The Corleone's and the C4NT came into the battle knowing we had lost and somehow block by block, we retook Ackland and the surrounding territory. Barville was my idea to begin with so the precursor to Ridleybank was a great operation for tactical growth and resources.

MH&S: The harmanz have been having a hard time facing down Shacknews and a resurgent RRF. What do you think is the key for harmanity to counter this zombie upswing?

Vito: The key for humanity is definaltly to concentrate our rescources on one front. Spread out we are like picies of string, but together we are that of unbreqakable rope that binds us like a gripping vice. If Harmanity -- excuse me, Humanity is ever to rise against shacknews we need to work and fight as one. [Note: The interview was conducted before the announced retirement of the Shacknews horde.]

MH&S: Final question; the RRF: Great UD group or greatest UD group?

Vito: Ah the old Colbert poser. I would say the 2nd greatest UD group they are skilled corrdinated and oh so classy but there is one group better. Ron Burgandy and the Channel 4 News Team. I've been with Ron since before the bearpit and you know what, there is no other group i would have at my side then the C4NT.

The Malton Rangers

Ahh, nothing like the feeling of the RRF completely pwning an enemy. And guess who gets pwned by the RRF more frequently than anyone else? That's right. It's part two of our ongoing series, Better Know an Enemy.

The Malton Rangers: the fightin' Rangers! Recently suffering defeats at the hands of the RRF at Blackmore I, Blomfield Grove PD, Blackmore II, Nichols Mall and Shackbank, this team keeps rushing back into the breech against the RRF and always ends up running away defeated. So who leads this distinguished group? Well, it's none other than our good friend, Dickhole Guy who was recently promoted to this spot. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Guy in Shackbank. Here's what he had to say.

What you giving that special zombie in your life this Barhahmas?

MH&S: Congratulations on the promotion. What are your goals for the Malton Rangers?

DHG: Goals would probably have to be getting numbers up. The guys I have now are supurb fighters and are well co-ordinated. The only reason I got promoted was because of them. They are always there when I need them I'd name them individually, but they know who they are. So, back to the question, I'd say goals are to keep recruiting, get the power rangers (the new subgroup) up and running, and get a wiki template that doesn't suck.

MH&S: How do you respond to the critics who say you haven't won a major battle since you became leader of the Rangers?

DHG: I'd ask them to look at the serrell building in yagoton. This morning there were 30 zeds inside, now its caded and powered with 15 or so rangers inside.

MH&S: Quite the major victory.

MH&S: Do you support Jane Harman's bid to become Chair of the House Intelligence Committee?

DHG: Yeah. 4 years of republican leadership has gutted the intellegence community, and they are probably worse off now than before 9/11.

MH&S: It's good to see harmanz sticking together for once. Too bad Pelosi gave the spot to known zombie sympathizer Sylvestre Reyes.

MH&S: You seemed kind of stunned after Blackmore and Nichols fell within 24 hours of each other. Did the rapid fall come as a surprise to you?

DHG: Yeah it did. I couldn't believe it. I thought the BBB had taken a lesson from the mistakes of caiger, when help is needed, send help. I think the fort implementation was the nail in the coffin for blackmore II though, as within minutes of its announcement we lost 30 defenders.

MH&S: Ron Burgundy has perfect hair. What do you have going for you?

DHG: Yeshamesh, My name a Deekhole guy, I like a you, I like a sex, its niiice.

MH&S: So Ron obviously has much more going for him. Final question... Jorm: Great forum admin or greatest forum admin?

DHG: ...greatest...

Herald & Sun Editorial

Ah, November 5th. When the harmanz will determinedly attack the zombah homeland. The zombah homeland so dutifully kept as such by the RRF. The same RRF that the harmanz love to disparage and discount.

Apparently the RRF is so weak that the harmanz are planning on sending barricade strafers and zombie trojan horses into our home more than two weeks in advance. The RRF is so weak that one week before the 5th, the C4NT and BBB are planning on coming in from the south and west; the PTT is planning on coming in from the north and the CDF is planning on coming in from the east. We know if we were facing a weak, washed-up joke of a zombie group that we’d send four of the five largest survivor groups in Malton after them.

We also know that if we had all that support, we’d bitch like hell if the RRF called in some help of their own. Heaven forfend that Malton’s zombahz show the slightest bit of Barhah and unite to liberate the harmanity of anyone dumb enough to invade the homeland.

We suppose its part of the innate harman inferiority complex. They lock themselves up all day, desperately barricading their own little prisons. Then they wake up the next morning to find that it was useless because we greeted them overnight and made them one of our own. Oh sure, the meatbags might use their precious resources to knock us down. But all we have to do is stand up to regain our full zombah glory. They have to wait in line, sitting uselessly until their precious harmanity is restored.

The RRF is resigned to having a massive target upon our back because we dare to have our own home, we dare to defend it and we dare to defeat the harmanz every time they intrude. One wonders if the RRF is a washed-up joke of an organization what that makes the harmanz we regularly eject from Ridleybank.

Regardless, we welcome all harman interlopers for the fifth. You may not realize it now, but a good dose of Barhah does wonders to one’s corpse – which is how all of you will end up. C4NT: We shall introduce you to true class. BBB: We’ll be waiting for you at Blackmore. PTT: All your brain are belong to us. CDF: It’s nice of you to finally leave Giddings for the greener, rotted pastures of Ridleybank.

We’ll be waiting.

Opinion

Let us work together to bring Malton more Barhah!

Letter From the Editor

  • Note: This opinion piece reflects the opinion of our Executive Editor and may not be representative of the horde.

The strike of '07 has been all the rage on the message boards recently. Civilized discourse has fallen to the wayside as various factions have taken to flaming one another, massaging their own egos and getting little that is constructive done.

I must admit I completely understand why Feral Undead is leading this strike. The only way that zombies can accomplish anything is with a sick amount of coordination. While the Shacknews horde is still a recent memory, the complete lack of success that a lone feral zombie can achieve on his own has made the game miserable for most zombie players. In turn, numbers of zombies have suffered.

UrbanDead is supposed to be a zombie apocalypse, but it's not much of an apocalypse in the majority of suburbs in Malton. Harmanz sit behind securely barricaded buildings, immune to all but the most coordinated of zombie attacks. This is not the way it's supposed to be. Anyone who has seen a good zombie movie knows that the survivors should be the ones who are desperately working together in a coordinated fashion against the random and terrifying attacks of zombies.

However, I do not feel that a strike is the answer at all. While the game is flawed, it always will be. All we humble zombies can do is have fun with what we're given. The RRF has gone on excursion in Southern Malton, the Mall Tour has returned and is ripping apart the malls of Northwestern Malton. Sure, we can only impact localized areas at this point, but all that means is that we should impact those localized areas.

So in the name of Barhah! I encourage all zombies to make their way to South Blythville or Yagoton to join in the only hopes the zombie side of the action has right now: roving hordes smashing entire suburbs at a time.

A CALL FOR PEACE

By Exham

My name is Exham, and I've lived here in Malton all my life (and after). My memories of childhood are vague, but warming - a city that was safe, sunny, and friendly; a place to raise a family; a place where the people cared about community - and they always bring a tear to my one rotting, squishy eye. I remember peace on the streets of Malton.

Brothers and sisters, fellow Malton citizens, countrymen both warm-blooded and room-temperature, I am here to say that the fighting must end.

It's not the most popular stance in this city, but someone has to take it. Too long has Malton been a city at war with itself. One can hardly sleep here, either for fear of being attacked in the night, or simply because all the screaming is keeping you awake. Graffiti covers our once-pristine buildings. Life is a race for safe haven before the exertions of the day numb our clouded brains. Forget about living - we're too busy surviving. This town has gone to hell, and it's all because we can't learn to put aside our petty differences and make Malton whole.

This war has gotten out of hand, it's time to put a stop to it, and if the harmanz aren't going to do it, then I think I know who will. Ridleybank has long been an important battleground, both literally and in the civil rights movement. It was the birthplace of the Zombie Pride movement, and grew so quickly in its progressive ideals that it soon became a target, representing all that the more old-fashioned communities hated and feared. So synonymous with the progressive movement is Ridleybank, in fact, that it has even been dubbed the zombie "homeland." It has been the epicenter of the civil rights struggle in Malton since the beginning, and I think it only appropriate that Ridleybank be the community to step up to the plate and make the dream of peace come true.

Fellow Ridleys, we must serve as an example of what a truly great city Malton could be. If there is going to be peace in Malton, we cannot play the xenophobes, snubbing and repelling outsiders. We must go out of our way to extend our hands in brotherhood! We must break DOWN the barricades that separate us! We must EMBRACE the harmanz! I say we must embrace them, and share with them a great FEAST of brotherhood!

We must reach out and . . . touch somebody!

The Malton Peace Movement may be small now, but I have faith it will grow. To all zombies in Ridleybank who may see the truth in this message, let us show our solidarity! Let us gather at the Blackmore Building, our suburb's greatest symbol of diversity, and really reach out to the recent harman immigrants. Let's really make them feel like home, because who knows? Maybe if we do enough reaching out, we'll find that in the end, we're not that different after all.

A piece of my mind

By Don Mohagany

Special to the Herald & Sun

In the name of several Norse Gods, I curse you, RRF!

When my compatriots and I decided to crash in the Blackmore Building a few months ago, we realized that it would take an effort greater than any one group to set up shop in the RRF's neighborhood. That's why there were ten different survivor groups occupying Blackmore. (It's science, look it up: Battle of Blackmore.)

But apparently the RRF didn't appreciate our 10-1 advantage! No! They had to passively allow other Zombie groups and PKers to enter the suburb and dared to let them strike at our purely symbolic stronghold! Since when does "Barhah" include zeds and survivors outside the RRF!?!

Anyway, I was doing a count of my fellow survivors around Blackmore the other day, and what did I find? Over a thousand. Watch out for the guns. So you can have your Shearnews, Ferel Undead and Red Rum (I've always preferred a bottle of Roundy's Premium Scotch myself), my allies will just hole ourselves up in some mall, waiting for you to ransack that as well.

You may have ultimately defeated me and my compatriots at Blackmore. But I promise you that me and my news team will assemble and be defeated at a new location in the not-too-distant future.

Anyway, I've got more important things to take care of. Like recruiting more groups to our cause while I hang out in suburbs not named Ridleybank. Excuse me.

Hey, Aqualung!

  • Mr. Mohagany is a composite of... oh, who the hell I'm I kidding, we're making fun of Ron.

Classifieds

  • Plenty of cheap real estate available in South Blythville and Lockettside. Close-out prices! A handyman's dream!
  • Found: Level 2 Civilians. Truell Museum, Roftwood. Please contact AU10 command station to arrange burial.
  • Wanted: Able bodied Zeds to join our time honoured team, Group 0. Want action, want bloodshed? Then Marven Mall in South Blythville is the place for you.
  • Found: Prescription bottle of Fluphenazine inside NW Nichols Mall on New Years Eve. Name says Dickhole Guy. Contact Braggledorth to claim.
  • Christmas Sale: Giddings Mall filled with slightly damaged merchandise. Everything must go! Up to 85% off!
  • Roommate Wanted: SZM (Single Zombie Male) looking for roommate in Northern Ridleybank. Your share of the rent would be 5 brainz a month. Must be willing to put up with a mess and NO BARRICADES! Not only do I hate them, but the neighborhood association really frowns upon them. Call KL5-3322.
  • Friends first? Handsome single male zombie seeking companionship. I enjoy dining out, shopping at the mall, ransacking, and square dancing. Come have some brainz with me and we'll see where it goes from there... Contact Talunex at Blomfield Grove PD in Ridleybank
  • Found: Left arm, torn off at mid-bicep. Tattered remnant of checkered sleeve still remain. Tattoo reads "Christine" in a heart.
  • Cancelation: The Thanksgiving Survivor Bash at the Blackmore Building. Due to unforeseen circumstances this function cannot go ahead. We apologise on behalf of the NMC. Admission will be refunded.
  • Sale: Going out of business sale! Huge price cuts on lab equipment, computers and medical supplies! All items sold as-is. Items may be viewed at the Blackmore Building. Contact the Blackmore Bastard Brigade, Channel Four News Team, or Malton Rangers for details.
  • Found: 600 Revivication Syringes. Will Take Best Realistic Offer Or What Have You? Contact Braggledorth, Blackmore NT.
  • Sale: Nichols Mall After Thanksgiving Sale! All harmanz slashed. Brainz will be first-come, first-served. Doors open early for your shopping convenience.

Target Practice: A harman by the name of Dickhole Guy has offered himself up as a practice target for the RRF. The brain has an unusually bitter flavor, but it's still a great opportunity for zombahz to get their kill on. He, along with numerous zerging alts, may be found in or around the Blackmore Building and Blomfield Grove Police Department.

For sale: Firewood salvaged from former barricades at Blackmore Building. Will consider trading for C4NT or BBB brainz. To claim, simply step out of Blackmore.

Found: One small dog. Has name tag that reads "Baxter." Contact Goolina to identify and claim. Will punt if owner not located in reasonable time.

  • Personal: SWM rotter seeks fellow like-minded F companion. Hobbies include shuffling, groaning, and brains. All limbs a plus, but not necessary. Call 867-5309.
  • Goods for Sale: Mahogany coffin for sale. Made from Ron Burgundy's apartment ransack. Unwanted gift. Will consider reasonable offers. Call 555-1234
  • Events: Want To Learn To Square Dance? Lessons Held Every Saturday Evening, 6PM GMT, at Blomfield Grove Police Department [57,44]. No Experience Necessary, All Levels Catered For. BARHAHmas Gift Vouchers Available.

Moved

Unlifestyles

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Trend Watch

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Veal Brainz: Cruel Practice or Nice Meal?

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Zombah Love

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Mistakes Were Made!

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Excursion II: Son of Excursion

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24 Hours of Pure Barhah

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Sweet Zombie Dreams

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Harmanz Take One Building, Claim Victory

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Zombie Looks to Win Congressional Race

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Better Know A Horde - Group 0

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Better Know A Papa

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Better Know a Strike Team

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Better Know a Strike Team - GC Moved

Better Know a Strike Team - GMT Moved

Better Know a Strike Team - GBP Moved

Better Know a Strike Team - AU10 Moved

Better know RB Moved

Good mmmmmmmmmmorning Ridleybank!

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Barhah History Month

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Templates for all

Post-Apocalypse News Sources
Akule NewsBBCDaily RuminationsDaily SpotlightDulston DispatchFortress NewsMalton ExaminerMalton GazetteMalton Herald & SunMalton MediaMalton MirrorThe DHPD NewsletterThe TruthToday's Message

Hey dead guys! You interested in putting the template "Press" on the top of your page? Blogrolling the newspapers.--Thegreathal 02:44, 9 May 2007 (BST)

Hi

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Thanks --RosslessnessWant a Location Image? 19:20, 5 October 2009 (BST)