The Penguin Mafia/Handbook

Walking down the streets of Malton you see a really short man in a tuxedo beckon you over. Upon closer inspection you realize that the man is actually a pretty well drawn penguin holding a spoon of some sort. You remember that the zoo keepers were looking for a penguin so you attempt to capture it. Seeing your obvious signs of aggresion the penguin hurls a extremely thick hard cover book at your head. You attempt to balance it but fail. It then delivers a Pesci-esque blow to the back of your head. 30 points worth of blood ooze out of your ears before it breakes your knee caps and waddles away.

You lose 300 hit points.
You lose 100 Meat.

You notice that he forgot to pick up his book. Well, at least you have some reading material while you wait for the zombies to get you.

After Joining

You open a book to the first chapter and see a tattered sheet of paper fall out. Why is the paper always tattered?

Note to Self Learn how to run freely. Box got wet. Build a house Make some friends. Old ones too annoying got in my way. Read a good book. Wife want's to talk. Buy radio and mobile phone. Cat came back. Buy gun. Read Classifieds. Laugh at losers. Drugs Coffee Bread Cigarettes Pudding Liniment Peking Duck Sweet and Sour Pork Enlarged Prostate

--Don P.

Penguin Mafia Enforcers

OK so the enforcers. We are the ones who do what other members don't wanna do, deep recon, bounty hunting, helping other suburbs with defense against hordes, taking down rogue pk'ers, and base security. Most of our enforcers are high level tough sumnabitches. WE never leave more than 3 suburbs between us and the HQ. On call all day. Lost in the city? Low on ammo? Zombies all over the place and don't know what to do? You fuck up, We pick up. So if you are interested it would be a good idea to have all the human skills and have some experience in taking down pk'ers and zeds. It would also be nice for you to have AOL instant messanger. this would make communication much easier. Each enforcer should carry the following:

• 4 Pistols
• 8 Pistol Clips
• 4 Shotguns
• 8 Shotgun Shells
• 1 Flak jacket
• 1 Portable radio (tuned to 26.52)
• 2 Portable Generators
• 2 Fuel cans
• 4 Syringes
• 1 Mobile Phone
• 1 DNA Extractor
• 1 Fire Axe

However, since this would mean that you be Encumbranced by 158%, 48% greater than the 110 that athletes suggest, our team of scientists are hard at work crunching numbers and doing all sorts of difficult addition to make this list work out.

Internal Affairs

Barricade & Fuel Policy

 Location Name 
  Details
  Barricade policy.
  Fuel Priority: 1 (Highest) - 5 (Lowest)
   Notes

Anastasius General Hospital

Hospital & Entryway

Barricades should be very strong.

Fuel Priority: 2

Vimpany Auto Repair

Fuel Depot

Barricades should be extremely heavy.

Fuel Priority: 1

Source of fuel. Must be fueled at all times.

St Anthony's Church

Entryway

Barricades should be very strong.

Fuel Priority: 5

the Porcher Building

'Headquarders'

Barricades should be extremely heavy.

Fuel Priority: 3

Fake HQ. If secret HQ breached, use as temporary HQ.

the Stapellton Arms

'The Bar' (Secret Headquarters)

Barricades should be very strong; extremely heavy when under attack.

Fuel Priority: 4

Secret HQ. Very strong barricades should be maintained so as to allow entry to members without free running.

the Lynn Monument

Members Only Revive Point

Barricades can not be built.

Fuel Priority: N/A

Members only. Try to avoid reviving non members.

Huddleston Avenue

N/A

Barricades can not be built.

Fuel Priority: N/A

Open to suggestions as to its use.

a carpark

N/A

Barricades can not be built.

Fuel Priority: N/A

Open to suggestions as to its use.

Braddon Way

N/A

Barricades can not be built.

Fuel Priority: N/A

Open to suggestions as to its use.

Ranks & Titles

1.

You get this rank if you are Don Pygoscelis. Promotion: Ascend?

2.

You get this rank if you are an Assistant to the Don. Promotion: Murder

3.

You get this rank if you have proven your loyalty and, I won't lie to you, usefulness overall on and off the field. Promotion: Classified

4.

You get this rank if you have proven your loyalty and, I won't lie to you, usefulness on the more military aspects of our activities. Promotion: Classified

5.

You get this rank when you find a reference and be refered to as Mr./Little Ms. ____. You will also get a 500 karma budget in the clan (if you happen to be in it). Promotion: Classified

6.

You get this rank if you have successfully join the family. It is possible to skip this rank. Promotion: Cite

7.

You get this rank if you have requested to joined the family, the Don has responded, we have heard from you, but the Don has yet to write you a welcome message. Promotion: Wait

8.

You get this rank if you have requested to join the family, the Don has responded, but we haven't heard back from you. Promotion: Reply

External Affairs

With Enemies

When faced with someone on our 'List', instead of just blasting them away, please follow the following procedure:

If your mark is:

A Human outside HQ:

1. State your presence and motives. Preferably in a clever way.
2. Attack.
3. If possible leave the person with 1 HP remaining. Then, leave them with something clever like You aquire effect Beaten Up.

A Zombie inside HQ

1. Ex-ter-minate!!

Bounty Rewards

If you take out someone on the Don's List and give *some* proof, you could recieve:

• 100,000 Meat
• Astral Cupcake(s) and/or Hilarious Objects

If you don't know what we're talking about then you probably won't get a prize.

Glossary

Here you will find the definitions to some words that may or may not be in this handbook.

A AHtPb Situation

(n) An "Angels Have the Phonebox" Situation is a phrase which refers to an event wherein Zombies have decimated the Family and taken the HQ, or something as dire. See Sally Sparrow Protocol

Bowtie

(n) A Penguin collar.

Flamer

(n) Someone who managed to bring a flame-thrower into Malton. Perhaps to begin a war.

Floopily

(adv) In the manner of something which is floopy.

Old World, The

(n) Kingdom of Loathing, The.

PBS

(n) Penguin Mafia Broadcasting Station, The. (26.52 MHz)

PKer

(n) 1. Jackass. As in 'That Pker just Pked me!'

(n) 2. Someone who kills living Penguin without reason.

Quone

(v) To quone something.

Sally Sparrow Protocol

(n) During a AHtPb Situation (see above) members are to evacuate to the Little Motel (58, 7) in Lamport Hills and regroup.

Thing

(?) 1. An unspecified all purpose unit. As in 'I just ate an entire thing of fish!' , or 'Dude! He just ate an entire thing of fish!' or also, 'Hey, did you hear about the guy who ate an entire thing of fish?'

(n) 2. Weird disembodied hand creature.

Wedged in between some pages you see a membership card of some sort...

	The Penguin Mafia
	This User/Organization is a/an Ally/Affliate/Member/Enemy of the Penguin Mafia. Do/Don't make fun of their flippers. Damn Flippers.

The rest of the pages appear blank. It appears that that penguin was doing research for this guide. Good thing he didn't forget his towel.