Difference between revisions of "User:Revenant"

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(Substing this in so the Archive page can remain an actual archive.)
m (Huh. Didn't expect that. The more you know?)
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&bull;&nbsp;[[User:Revenant/Archive|Revenant]] has [[Special:Userlogin|reentered the building]]. <small>(<!--{{REVISIONYEAR}}-->2011-<!--{{REVISIONMONTH}}-->3-<!--{{REVISIONDAY}}-->21)</small><br />
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&bull;&nbsp;[[User:Revenant/Archive|Revenant]] has [[Special:Userlogout|left again]]. <small>(<!--{{REVISIONYEAR}}-->2011-<!--{{REVISIONMONTH}}-->3-<!--{{REVISIONDAY}}-->21)</small> }}
{{User:Revenant/Archive}}
 
{{Edit section}}
 
<!--{{/Mayor/VictorySpeech}}-->
<span class="plainlinks">Hello. [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MyNameIsInigoMontoya My name is Inigo]— er. Let me start again.</span>
 
{{Userboxtop|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{MaltonLocated|Name={{BASEPAGENAME}}|Place=a producer of fine malt beverages, wherever it may be}}
{{Australian|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{NoCleanFeed}}{{Cheese|User={{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{Coffee Addict|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{Dopefish|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{DrunkLevel|{{BASEPAGENAME}}|in a quantum uncertainty state, and must be observed to determine sobriety. (Heisendrunk?)}}{{Smallevil|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{Stalker|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{Formatting Nazi|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{PrettyFire|{{BASEPAGENAME}}}}
{{Cheater|Revenant}}
{{ZombiePlus}}
{{Murderball}}
{{Goon}}
{{Tstupid}}
{{Ignorance}}
{{Misconbitragnarok}}
{{Userboxbottom}}
 
'''Revenant''' is my preferred handle, but, out of necessity, I frequently mutate into a variant of the name. Thankfully, I was able to grab the name on this wiki.
 
I enjoy an eclectic mixture of complexity and simplicity in many things. {{User:Revenant/Sig}}
<hr/>
At some point I threw my use page open for community editing. Of course, the template I made to advertise this, [[{{NAMESPACE}}:{{BASEPAGENAME}}/EditMe]], has so far been much more popular for editing. Go figure. <s>Nonetheless, feel free to ''<strike>vandalise</strike>'' improve this page (or that one!) to your heart's content.</s>
 
==Handle==
What exactly is a '''revenant''', you may ask?
 
<blockquote class="templatequote">
[[wikipedia:French language|French]], from the present participle ''revenir'' 'to return', from Old French, see [[wiktionary:revenue|revenue]].<br><br>
 
'''[[wiktionary:revenant|revenant]]''' (''plural'' revenants)
 
#someone who [[wiktionary:returns|returns]] from a long [[wiktionary:absence|absence]].
#a supernatural being that returns from the dead; a [[wiktionary:zombie|zombie]] or [[wiktionary:ghost|ghost]].
 
<div>—<cite><small>[[wiktionary:Wiktionary|Wiktionary]]</small></cite></div>
</blockquote>
 
In a zombie game, being a revenant is extraordinarily appropriate. <tt>:)</tt>
 
==Characters==
:''See [[{{NAMESPACE}}:{{BASEPAGENAME}}/Characters|characters]] for more details. In various states of donation, idleness and play''
===Malton===
;Alan Corvus: buccaneering volunteer firefighter and amateur actor ([[HKL]])
;Victor Kapteyn: needle-happy know-nothing ''pr1ck'' ([[KN]])
;The Pirate LeChuck: gone though fire and rot and back ([[The Saints|TS]])
;[[{{NAMESPACE}}:{{BASEPAGENAME}}/Duke D'oeuvre|Duke D'oeuvre]]: debonair discursive dacnomaniac ([[LCGHC]])
;Al Gore Mortis: Malton's foremost anti-breather environmentalist ([[SAN]])
;Gaius Furius Pacilus: <span style="background:black">everyone's favourite censor –</span>  [[GMTBC|good morning tasty]]!
;Rite Rev'd Revenant: carryover corsair cap'n and "priest" ([[MOB]])
*A here-unnamed troublemaker
===Other===
*Two here-unnamed Monroevillains, one still living, one not ''(both idled)''
;Mr Cool No Pants: letting it all hang out ([[BPC]])
 
==Wiki==
Originally learned wiki at [[wikipedia:Wikipedia|Wikipedia]]. [[wikipedia:Wikipedia:WikiGnome|WikiGnome]].
 
;Projects
*[[Construction Percentages]] – founder and primary contributor
*[[Clothes/Suggestions]] – contributor, commenter, critic, primary maintainer last few years
*[[Clothes Codes]] – contributor and field researcher
*[[Bug Reports]] – contributor and maintainer
*[[Suggestions]] and [[Developing Suggestions]] – commenter, critic
*[[UDWiki:Image Categorisation|Image Categorisation]] – contributor
 
==Testimonials & TRUFAX==
{{rquote|left|Damn you, Revenant. Damn you to Hell.|[[User:Gus Thomas|Gus Thomas]]}}
{{rquote|left|Damn you, Revenant. Damn you to Hell.|[[User:AnimeSucks|AnimeSucks]]}}
{{rquote|left| The Blob hereby grants his holy assent to Revenant to govern Malton in his holy name, to use any likeness and image of the gelatinous master in efforts to enslave help the citizens of Malton. The Blob hereby commissions the Malton Mint to put the image of the Blob and his Mayor, the honorable Revenant on all currency. The Blob decrees all traces of Undead puppetry be stricken from the voting record so that only Misanthropy and Revenants honest and true campaign may be seen. While the sinister Kyle Style and Evil Jorm waged a campaign of mistrust, mud slinging and other sick games only filthy and unclean zeds could enjoy, Misanthropy and Revenant were kissing babies and making promises of tax cuts which we can all believe in. Revenant is uncorruptable and the Blob is pleased to see such a noble and upstanding citizen take office.
|3=[http://s1.zetaboards.com/brainstock/single/?p=267465&t=3501363 Dr Summeroff] }}
{{rquote|left|Damn you! Damn you to my basement!|[[User:Grim s|Grim s]]}}
{{rquote|left|Rev's the worst. If he's here, he's drunk. If he's not drunk, he's asleep. If he's not asleep, then maybe he'll be here, although late.|[irc://irc.nexuswar.com/Banana,isnick Banana]}}
{{rquote|left|I am a voting for Mis cuz he's a cool guy and for Rev for being the ONLY candidate to try to be an actual politician. You know, actually campaigning, contacting voters, employing dirty tactics. During the 2012 election, when Obama knocks on your door, will you take him to court for spamming? Blasphemy!|[[User:MisterGame|Thadeous Oakley]]}}
{{rquote|left|Damn you, Revenant. Damn you to Hell.|[[User:Amber Waves of Pain|Amber Waves of Pain]]}}
{{rquote|left|revenant cues up on a durability of 675 days|[irc://irc.synirc.net/Dr_Horse_PhD,isnick Dr Horse PhD]}}
<br clear="both"/>
 
==<span title="The section formally known as Misc">[[Image:FFHoE.png|25px]]</span><span style="display:none">The section formally known as Misc</span>==
{{GrimGod}}
{{Grim Doom}}
[[Image:MOBWiki.gif]][[Category:MOB Squad]]
[[Image:TalunexWikiTemplate.jpg]][[Category:Comrades of Talunex]]
[[Image:Pai.gif]]
[[Image:FilmFestivalParticipant.gif]]
[[Image:PubCrawlParticipant.gif]]
[[Image:BitchesWikiTemplate.jpg]]
{{WikiIRC}}
 
===Zombie-Cat===
[[Image:Zombie-cat.jpg|Here kitty kitty kitty...]]
{{ud|Upperbox= You are lying outside [[the Usher Building]], a large magenta-stone building with a perfectly functional roof. You recognise it as not being owned by NecroTech. The building has been extremely heavily barricaded with a piece of paper.
 
Somebody has spraypainted ''Cataracts'' onto a wall.|Lowerbox=Since your last turn:
*Zombie-Cat claws you in the face for 75 damage. <font size=2>''(12 hours and 35 minutes ago)''</font> ...and again. <font size=2>''(12 hours and 35 minutes ago)''</font> ...and again. <font size=2>''(12 hours and 35 minutes ago)''</font> ...and again. <font size=2>''(12 hours and 35 minutes ago)''</font>
*'''You were killed by Zombie-Cat''' <font size=2>''(12 hours and 34 minutes ago)''</font>
*'''[[user:SilverMemory|<span style="color:#f99">SilverMemory</span>]]''' pets Zombie-Cat. <font size=2>''(12 hours and 32 seconds ago)''</font>
*'''[[user:Aphelion|<span style="color:#f99">Prima Giedi</span>]]''' said "D'awwwww, can we keep it? Might need to clip its claws, though." <font size=2>''(6 hours and 52 minutes ago)''</font>
}}
===This space for rent===
Enquiries welcome.
===Two Gentlemen of Lebowski===
The moft excellent comedie and tragical romance of
TWO GENTLEMEN OF LEBOWSKI.
As writ by MR. ADAM BERTOCCI,
Taking infpiration from MR. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
and the BROTHERS COEN.
Prefented in FIVE ACTS.
N E W Y O R K, 2 0 1 0.
THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY
CHORUS
GEOFFREY “THE KNAVE” LEBOWSKI
BLANCHE and WOO, two thugs
SIR WALTER of Poland
SIR DONALD of Greece
BRANDT, serving-man of the Big Lebowski
SIR GEOFFREY OF LEBOWSKI, the Big Lebowski
BONNIE LEBOWSKI, his wife
OLIVER, her consort
JACK SMOKE, a cavalier
MAUDE LEBOWSKI, daughter of the Big Lebowski
JOSHUA QUINCE, a pederast
LIAM O’BRIEN, his partner
Two NIHILISTS
PLAYER QUEEN
MISTRESS QUICKLY, hostess of a tavern
KNOX HARRINGTON, a tapestry artist
DOCTOR BUTTS, a physician
PLAYERS for a dance
LAURENCE SELLERS
CLOWN
JAQUES TREEHORN
BROTHER SEAMUS, an Irish monk
A GRAVEDIGGER
Prologue
[Enter CHORUS]
CHORUS
In wayfarer’s worlds out west was once a man,
A man I come not to bury, but to praise.
His name was Geoffrey Lebowski called, yet
Not called, excepting by his kin.
That which we call a knave by any other name
Might bowl just as sweet. Lebowski, then,
Did call himself ‘the Knave’, a name that I,
Your humble chorus, would not self-apply
In homelands mine; but, then, this Knave was one
From whom sense was a burden to extract,
And of the arid vale in which he dwelt,
Also dislike in sensibility;
Mayhap the very search for sense reveals
The reason that it striketh me as most
Int’resting, yea, inspiring me to odes.
(In couplets first, and then a sonnet brave
As prologue to the tale of this the Knave.
Behold him, then, a-tumbling softly down
To pledge his love immortal to the ground.)
We stray now from fair Albion and from France
And see no Queen of bawdy songs and cheers
And in an angel's city take our chance
For stupefying tales to take our ears.
To war on Arab kings acoast we go,
Needing a man of times, though hero not;
Hear me call him not hero; what’s in a hero?
Sometimes there’s a man, your prologue’s thought.
The Knave, though scarcely man of honour’d grace,
Nor hero Olympian, nor yet employ’d,
Was nonetheless for all his time and place,
The man befits the circle he’s enjoy’d.
A man of lazy ways, of epic sloth;
But, losing train of thought, I’ve spake enough!
[He exits.]
1.1
[THE KNAVE's house. Enter THE KNAVE, carrying parcels, and two THUGS. They
fight]
BLANCHE
Whither the money, Lebowski? Faith, we are servants of Bonnie; promised by the lady
good that thou in turn were good for’t.
WOO
Bound in honour, we must have our bond; cursed be our tribe if we forgive thee.
BLANCHE
Let us soak him in the commode, so as to turn his head.
WOO
Aye, and see what vapourises; then he will see what is foul.
[They insert his head into the commode]
BLANCHE
What dreadful noise of waters in thine ears! Thou hast cooled thine head; think now upon
drier matters.
WOO
Speak now on ducats else again we’ll thee duckest; whither the money, Lebowski?
THE KNAVE
Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse again.
WOO
What, thou rash egg! Thus will we drown thine exclamations.
[They again insert his head into the commode]
BLANCHE
Trifle not with the fury of two desperate men. Long has thy wife sealed a bond with
Jaques Treehorn; as blood is to blood, surely thou owest to Jaques Treehorn in
recompense.
WOO
Rise, and speak wisely, man—but hark;
I see thy rug, as woven i’the Orient,
A treasure from abroad. I like it not.
I’ll stain it thus; ever thus to deadbeats.
[He stains the rug]
THE KNAVE
Sir, prithee nay!
BLANCHE
Now thou seest what happens, Lebowski, when the agreements of honourable business
stand compromised. If thou wouldst treat money as water, flowing as the gentle rain from
heaven, why, then thou knowest water begets water; it will be a watery grave your rug,
drowned in the weeping brook. Pray remember, Lebowski.
THE KNAVE
Thou err’st; no man calls me Lebowski. Yet thou art man; neither spirit damned nor
wandering shadow, thou art solid flesh, man of woman born. Hear rightly, man!—for
thou hast got the wrong man. I am the Knave, man; Knave in nature as in name.
BLANCHE
Thy name is Lebowski. Thy wife is Bonnie.
THE KNAVE
Zounds, man. Look at these unworthiest hands; no gaudy gold profanes my little hand. I
have no honour to contain the ring. I am a bachelor in a wilderness. Behold this place; are
these the towers where one may glimpse Geoffrey, the married man? Is this a court where
mistresses of common sense are hid? Not for me to hang my bugle in an invisible baldric,
sir; I am loath to take a wife, or she to take me until men be made of some other mettle
than earth. Hark, the seat of my commode be arisen!
WOO
Search his satchel! His words are a fantastical banquet to work confusion upon his
enemies. There sits eight pounds of proof within; surely he hides his treasure on his
person.
BLANCHE
Villainy! Why this confounded orb, such as men use to play at ninepins; what devilry,
these holes in holy trinity?
THE KNAVE
Obviously thou art not a golfer.
BLANCHE
Then thou art a man to carry ball in his sack? Thou varlet, a plague upon your house; I
shall return thy orb to earth.
[He drops the ball]
Thy floor cracks in haste, sir; thou art not a man of ample foundation. Woo?
WOO
Speak, friend; I am but of droplets.
BLANCHE
Was this not a man of moneys and repute? Did not Treehorn speak of chalcedony halls,
and three chests of gold, as was hard food for Midas? What think’st thou?
WOO
O undistinguish’d man! We are deceived; this man has put not money in his purse.
THE KNAVE
Weep not for grief of my own sustaining, sir. At least I am house-broken, none to break
the houses of others.
WOO
If dog you are, in time you’ll have your day;
Waste time, but Jaques Treehorn will you pay.
[Exeunt severally]
1.2
[The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to play at ninepins]
WALTER
In sooth, then, faithful friend, this was a rug of value? Thou wouldst call it not a rug
among ordinary rugs, but a rug of purpose? A star in a firmament, in step with the fashion
alike to the Whitsun morris-dance? A worthy rug, a rug of consequence, sir?
THE KNAVE
It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its
qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the
first of autumn harvests. It sat between the four sides of the room, making substance of a
square, respecting each wall in equal harmony, in geometer’s cap; a great reckoning in a
little room. Verily, it transform’d the room from the space between four walls presented,
to the harbour of a man’s monarchy.
WALTER
Indeed, a rug of value; an estimable rug, an honour’d rug; O unhappy rug, that should
live to cover such days!
DONALD
Of what dost thou speak, that tied the room together, Knave? Take pains, for I would well
hear of that which tied the room together.
WALTER
Didst thou attend the Knave’s tragic history, Sir Donald?
DONALD
Nay, good Sir Walter, I was a-bowling.
WALTER
Thou attend’st not; and so thou hast no frame of reference. Thou art as a child, wandering
and strutting amidst the groundlings as a play is in session, heeding not the poor players,
their exits and their entrances, and, wanting to know the subject of the story, asking
which is the lover and which the tyrant.
THE KNAVE
Come to the point, Sir Walter.
WALTER
My point, then, Knave; there be no reason, if sweet reason doth permit, in
enlightenment’s bower—and reason says thou art the worthier man—
DONALD
Yes, Sir Walter, pray, merrily state the fulcrum of thy argument.
THE KNAVE
My colleague, although unfram’d and unreferenc’d, speaks plain and true. That these
toughs are those at fault, we are agreed; that I stand wounded, unrevenged, we likewise
are agreed; yet you circle the meanings unconstantly, like blunted burrs, unstuck where
they are thrown.
WALTER
I speak of aggression uncheck’d, as crowned heads of state once spoke of Arabia—
DONALD
Arabia! Then we have put a girdle round the earth. Of what does Sir Walter speak?
WALTER
Cast it from thy sievelike books of memory, Sir Donald; thou art out of thy element.
DONALD
Mine element?
WALTER
Wherefore was I curs’d only to minister
To congregations held in deafen’d pits?
I must hobble my speech; of elements, sir,
A doctor of physic did once explain
That all the earth is province elemental,
Sure and steady as the stone-wall foursome
A-holding up the Knave’s roof, tied together
By power that we spake on, our traffic
Unmarred by thy rough and idle chatter.
And the complexion of the element
In favour’s like the rug that ties the room.
O, a muse of fire the first element,
Airy breath the second; though this wind
May well be yours for all you flap your tongue,
O ill-dispersing wind of misery!
Thou hast no wings, and, liable to plunge,
You fit not fowl; yet foul your interruption,
Fished for facts, yet fish you cannot be;
So water, elemental third, you’re not,
How much salt water thrown away in waste.
Of earth, no woman left on earth will have thee,
No man of middle earth will tend thy land,
So walk the plains like to a lonely dragon;
I care not.
THE KNAVE
Good sir, speak plain. I know not these villains, surely would I ne’er traffic with this man
of Orient birth who so abused my rug. I have not the facility to present him with the rate
of usance and demand money in kind for that which he has spent upon’t; so I entreat you,
speak plain.
WALTER
I speak the truth; my words are straight and true.
The man of Orient birth is not the issue.
DONALD
The Orient, Sir Walter?
WALTER
I speak, old friend, of truths in desert land.
The hour is nigh to draw line in the sand.
THE KNAVE
Deserts? I had made it plain that he was Orient-man.
WALTER
Though words in haste be only human nature,
‘Orient-man’ is not preferr’d nomenclature.
THE KNAVE
Give me no further counsel; my griefs cry softer than advertisement.
WALTER
I speak of this other man, Sir Geoffrey of Lebowski. Is not thy name, sir, Geoffrey of
Lebowski? To be or not Lebowski, that is the question; I see we still did meet each
other’s man. Shall we not make amends? A gentleman of high sentence ought to be of
unsequestered location, possessed of resources fit to restore a thousand rugs from vile
offence. He’s not well married that lets his wife a borrower be, such that men gravely
offended bespoil another man’s rug. Be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
No, but verily—
WALTER
Be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
Yea, but verily—
WALTER
That rug, in faith, tied the room together, did it not?
THE KNAVE
By my heart, a goodly rug.
DONALD
And in most miserable tide did this rogue besmirch it.
WALTER
Prithee, Donald! Thou too eagerly hold’st the mirror up to nature.
THE KNAVE
My mind races; I might endeavour to seek this gentleman Lebowski.
DONALD
His name is Lebowski? Verily, ope thine ear; that is thy name, Knave!
THE KNAVE
On good authority; and his nobleness must oblige. His wife taketh up quarrel and
borrows, and they bespoil my rug.
WALTER
Marry, sir, my heartstrings do you tug;
They urinate upon thy damnèd rug.
[Exeunt severally]
1.3
[THE BIG LEBOWSKI’s castle. Enter THE KNAVE and BRANDT]
BRANDT
My lord is a man of accomplishment of many years, good traveling Knave; I pray you
examine these honours and colours, proof of life well-lived. See here, the key to an old
city, once defended against man and beast; and there, a commendation for men of
business, bestowed not by the twelvemonth but by the mettle of the man.
THE KNAVE
Is that the Queen I see before me, render’d in oil-paints?
BRANDT
Indeed that is Sir Geoffrey of Lebowski, attending the Queen in humble fealty, during her
blessèd reign; as Queen, I remind you, not as Princess.
THE KNAVE
Faith, an excellent tale.
BRANDT
I have not yet told all; indeed Sir Lebowski did counsel the King himself, it is said,
though, alas!, uncaptured in timely artistry.
THE KNAVE
A man of many faculties.
BRANDT
As many as capabilities, yet always one to boost his reach. Here you may glimpse a
record of his children.
THE KNAVE
A care-crazed father of a many children; it is a wise father that knows his own child. An
excellent list for a man of no doubt excellent issue.
BRANDT
An amiable jest! Nay, I’d call’d his children his, but they come not of his loins, thou
understand’st.
THE KNAVE
A cuckold, he?
BRANDT
A most subtle jest! Nay, but children of the inner city, of good promise, resolved to study
but without the means. My lord resolves that they will all attend the university.
THE KNAVE
Verily!—Mine own years in the university hath fled my memory, though I recall some
happy hours in the homes of various headmasters, the smoking of the pipe, breaking into
the armory, and playing at ninepins.
[Enter LEBOWSKI, on a cart. Exit BRANDT]
LEBOWSKI
Marry, sir!—You be Lebowski, I be Lebowski, ‘tis a wondrous strange comedy of errors.
But I am a man of business, as I imagine you are; tell me what you’d have me do for you.
THE KNAVE
Sir, I possess a rug, that, i’faith, tied the room together—
LEBOWSKI
You sent Brandt a messenger on horseback; he inform’d me. Where is my fitting?
THE KNAVE
They sought thee, these two gentlemen—
LEBOWSKI
I shall repeat; you sent Brandt a messenger on horseback; he inform’d me. Where is my
fitting?
THE KNAVE
Then thou art aware ‘twas thy rug, sir, that was the target of this crime.
LEBOWSKI
Was it I, sir, who urinated on your rug?
THE KNAVE
Not in person, sir—but if a man is his name, and his reputation his indelible inkstain,
surely thy sea of care is tormented; what tongue shall smooth thy name?
LEBOWSKI
Make me to understand, sir, for you are slow of speech as I of step, and I am unsatisfied
in motive. When any rug is micturated upon within these city walls, must I stand
accountable? Or are you as one of a thousand rogues, fishing for sixpence betwixt
another man’s pursestrings? Are you a labourer, Master Lebowski, earning that you eat,
getting that you wear?
THE KNAVE
Let me not to the marriage of false impressions deny impediments. I am not Master
Lebowski; thou art Master Lebowski. I am the Knave, called the Knave. Or His
Knaveness, or mayhap Knaver, or mayhap El Knaverino, in the manner of the Spaniard,
if brevity be not in thy soul nor wit. A Knave by any other name would abide just as well.
LEBOWSKI
Have you employment, sir? Surely you hope not to pledge fealty nor till the earth in such
roughly fashioned armour, invested in thy motley, clad as a jack-a-dandy on a Sunday?
THE KNAVE
I know not; what week-day, friends, is this?
LEBOWSKI
I tire, and cannot tarry; I am more busy than the labouring spider, and dwell on the iron
tread as a man of constant pursuits. Thus, I pray you, you this way and I that way.
THE KNAVE
I must protest; the Knave minds. This will not stand, this uncheck’d aggression; for your
strength of mighty kings and masters of the earth did not keep your wife from owing, a
borrower and a lender being.
LEBOWSKI
My wife is not the issue here. I toil in hopes that she will shed her frivolities, rash and
unadvised, and live within her allowance, which is in very ample virtue. Her mortal
failures are her burden, as surely as your rug is your burden, and, verily, the burdens of
every man be his own, and ‘tis in themselves that they be thus or thus. I’ll blame none for
the loss of my legs. Some man of Orient birth robbed them from me as spoils of war;
faith, who stole my legs stole trash, and I sallied forth and achieved in any aspect. Some
are born achievers, some achieve greatly, and some have achievement thrust upon ‘em.
Beseech me not!
THE KNAVE
Ah, a pox upon’t!
LEBOWSKI
Indeed! “A pox upon’t!” ‘Tis your answer to everything. Your merry revels have ended,
sir. Condolences. The rogues lost; the rogues have always lost, will always lose, and so it
will be tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
[Exit LEBOWSKI; enter BRANDT]
BRANDT
Good Master Lebowski. Did you enjoy meeting my honourable lord?
THE KNAVE
Truly, sir, a gentle marvelous;
He bade me take any rug in the house.
[Exeunt]
1.4
[Outside LEBOWSKI’s castle. Enter THE KNAVE (with a Persian rug) and BRANDT]
BRANDT
I pray you, Knave, remember us in future visitations.
THE KNAVE
Faith, surely when next I travel in this neighbourhood, I will call upon his lordship’s
good honour, and beseech his refreshment.
[Enter BONNIE LEBOWSKI and OLIVER]
BONNIE
[sings]
“With toe-nails of verdant and forester’s green
With a hey-nonny-no and a hey-nonny-nonny
Blow thrice on my toe-nails and I’ll be thy queen
And ever preserve me as thine, blithe and Bonnie.”
[to THE KNAVE]
I pray you, sir, blow.
THE KNAVE
Marry! But here’s a lady of good interest, whose toe-nails are the very green of the
common hump, where grass doth grow and where country lovers do foot. Whither shall I
blow, maid? For I am but a traveling tumbleweed, and may well be carried by any wind,
e’en south.
BONNIE
I mean only the wind in thine own maw in this case; blow, then, serve your turn and cool
my hot temper.
THE KNAVE
Sayst thou that I must blow upon thy foot, painted lady?
BONNIE
I ask this deed of you thrice now; and that which a damsel craves constantly is the service
of a tongue most moved in capability. Look to my foot; I cannot reach that far. Blow,
wind!
THE KNAVE
I fear thy charms. Will not thy consort mind
If I bestow his lady fair my wind?
BONNIE
Nay, there’s naught for which Oliver carest;
He mindeth not, for he’s a nihilist.
BRANDT
Our court’s noble guest must not tarry, Lady Lebowski.
THE KNAVE
Lady Lebowski? Then thou art Bonnie? A merry wife indeed!
BONNIE
And a lady of good housekeeping and agriculture besides, minded to economy and all
practicalities. Were thou to bring a gentle cock to mine bed-chamber, I might help him to
success for ten shillings.
THE KNAVE
Such a lady of talents I have scarcely seen.
BRANDT
Yes, a most forthright jest! Free of spirit and good generosity, she is the nimble nymph of
Neptune, and we mark her with good humour.
BONNIE
Free of spirit but ne’er free for flesh. Were I to regale thee with parts of my humour, I
would not bid Brandt hear the play ere he paid a shilling himself.
BRANDT
Hark, a marvelous jest; but, I pray you, we dare not tarry. Come, Knave.
THE KNAVE
Yea, I shall come, and then return with money,
Or lose the labour’d love of fair Bonnie.
[Exeunt]
1.5
[The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER (with a dog), and JACK SMOKE, to
play at ninepins]
WALTER
Thy tale is the stuff of dreams, and yet a waking dream of will. I had those words under a
spreading tree in Jerusalem.
THE KNAVE
An I were dreaming afore, I care not, but do I dream anew? What manner of beast
bringest thou to our nightly sport?
WALTER
Marry, ‘tis the remnant of a previous life’s nightly sport. That I was once a married man,
thou knowest well; that the Lady Cynthia was a great lover of dogs, thou know’st in
lesser degree; and the cur abandon’d has a tendency to dine upon chair-leg and oaken
table, most retrograde to my lady’s desire.
THE KNAVE
Thou speakest in riddles.
WALTER
It hath been my charge to attend this cur ere my Lady Cynthia return ashore from a
voyage to the islands, commanded by Sir Martin of Ackerman.
THE KNAVE
Thou bringest a cur to ninepins?
WALTER
I bring naught to ninepins. The dog is not attired by my hand to play at sport, nor do I
fetch it ale, nor shall he throw thy bowl-turn in thy stead.
THE KNAVE
Why, this is lunatics! This is mad as a mad dog! Were I a cuckold of such horn, and a
wench bade me mind her animal passions on maiden voyages, whilst men of lesser virtue
did swim in foreign waters and seek the isle within the brook, marry, I would cry out “Go
hang!”, and leave the cur to fall where he may. Canst she not board the beast with some
gentle farmer or country shepherdess?
WALTER
I pray thee, speak not of marriage; for here a man calleth vinegar the wine he hath not
himself imbibed.
The cur is one of consequence, admired
In circles of husbandry, with well-noted
Documentation of his qualities;
And if ‘twere spook’d, it might lose hide and hair.
The cur hath parchments—
THE KNAVE
Hark, now bowls Jack Smoke.
WALTER
Thou cross’st the line!
JACK SMOKE
Your pardon, noble sir?
WALTER
Thou cross’st the line, Jack Smoke, O cavalier,
As clearly demarcated in our rules,
In tumbling past the throw. ‘Tis play most foul.
JACK SMOKE
But see the pins struck down in fair play’s course!
Knave, mark thou mine eight pins; mark it eight.
WALTER
Not eight but l’ouef; you’ll mark it nought, O Knave,
And so we carry on to the next frame.
JACK SMOKE
Peace, Sir Walter!
WALTER
Smokey, this be not the foul jungles of the darkest East Orient. This be ninepins. We are
bound by laws.
THE KNAVE
Nay, Walter; the quality of mercy is hardly strain’d. But a fraction of his toe tripp’d over
the line, not God’s line but man’s. Of late I have read much of toe-nails, meaningful, I
grant thee, but of doubtable value. Suit the punishment to the action, and shame not
Smoke in sport.
WALTER
O unrightful judge!
This forfeiture is set in iron law
As drawn by great authority of league.
One roll might well determine that our side
Advance to glory; or be instead retired
As moss upon a tree-stump, while the Smoke
Drifts out to glorious summer. Canst thou hear
The call of robin redbreasts? If robin shall
Restore amends, we must serve justice
Here. Be I wrong?
JACK SMOKE
Yea, but—
WALTER
Be I wrong?
JACK SMOKE
Thy words are hard; I must equivocate.
Put up thy pen, that I may mark it eight.
WALTER
Nay! I do protest, and draw my sword;
It shall teach thee to disobey my word.
Mark none but none into that bowler’s frame,
Else thou shalt enter into a world of pain.
A world of pain, think upon’t; unhappy world!
A lake of fire, rich with damnèd souls,
Gulfs of anguish ‘twixt vales of agonies.
Mark me; we stand at twisted, jealous gates
Of cast-iron, above which, in vulgar tongue, reads
“Here is a world of pain, thou enterest thus.”
My steel before thee, ‘tis the last of keys
That might could lock these doors, and keep thee
From this world of pain, or with one flick
Ope its mashing maw, and summon winds
To cast thee down within; an excellent key!
Farewell to earthly delights, farewell to friends,
To fellowships and follies and amends.
The choice to spare thy passage through these trials
Is thine alone; take heed, I entreat thee,
And turn thy back upon this world of pain!
THE KNAVE
Walter, put up thy sword; tarry a moment.
WALTER
Hath this whole world been mired in madness?
Remain ye men of faculty complete,
Of full arithmetic and prudence fair,
Attending to our noble bond and contract?
Or does here stand the last remaining man
To give a fig for rules and order yet,
No noble savage, but a stave unbroken
Who loves the law and bids it no misdeed.
I’ll not be bent to lawlessness. Mark it nought, if we be men of honour.
THE KNAVE
Walter, too long we have tarried on public fields; the constable is notified. I pray you,
sheath thy piece.
WALTER
Mark it nought, else I’ll none.
JACK SMOKE
Good Sir Walter, speak with reason!
WALTER
Dost thou think I tarry idly? Mark it nought!
JACK SMOKE
Yea, I shall yield, and leave it to your pleasure.
Mark as thou wilt, in full and legal measure.
[Exit JACK SMOKE. WALTER sits]
THE KNAVE
In sooth, Walter, thou hast wounded me horribly.
Jack Smoke is cut of cloth alike my humour;
Peaceable men we, for peaceable times,
And Jack Smoke is a man of soft conscience.
WALTER
That he is conscious, I mark thee; I attend well.
In tender youth I dabbled in a course
To seek and hear moral philosophy.
Encount’ring pacifism on that road,
Though ne’er in Orient jungle, beshrew me; yet
I thought upon’t e’en on fields of war.
THE KNAVE
Thou markest that Jack Smoke hath woes of mind.
WALTER
Faith, beyond pacifism?
THE KNAVE
He is a man of fragility, sir, and like to shatter.
WALTER
“Like”; yet I mark not his fragile dust,
Nor saw him break, nor melt, nor cleave in two.
The heated moment passeth, river-tide
Below a bridge in Exeter. Speak, Knave,
Are we not victorious in our sport?
We progress as do rakes; or be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
No, thou speakest true—
WALTER
Be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
No, sir, thy speech is straight and true. But yet thou speakest not, for thou hast not spoken
but brayed, in the manner of an ass.
WALTER
Fair; then I am an ass; let it be writ down that I am an ass. Then, mark well; the Knave
and his partner, an ass, shall play again at ninepins in half a fortnight, their skills match’d
against Joshua Quince and Liam O’Brien. They worry me not; they shall be o’er-pushed
with certitude.
THE KNAVE
An we play again in seven days and seven nights, I pray you, be of good humour.
WALTER
“Be of good humour!” ‘Tis thine answer to everything.
Mark: thy peaceable nature, while conceiv’d
In upright spirit, meant for noble deeds,
May cited be by devils for their purpose.
Mark the Arab king in foreign land,
The base Mesopotamian, who lieth with steed.
Thou present’st to me a wall to hide behind
‘Twas born of truce in fear and frighten’d mind.
THE KNAVE
I pray you, be of good humour.
WALTER
I am as calm as still waters, Knave.
THE KNAVE
As steel waters, I’ll warrant; put up thy
Icy blade! Crack not gory tales of war!
WALTER
My calmness exceeds thine.
THE KNAVE
Be of ease, I pray you! Be of good cheer,
And let us not repeat what happen’d here!
WALTER
My calmness exceeds thine. But hark; here comes a visitor.
[Enter BRANDT]
BRANDT
All hail, good sir, honour’d Lebowski, hail!
‘Tis I, one Brandt by name, humble servant still
To he whose name you recognise so well.
Wilt thou tarry with me a moment? Nay—
Fear not—we care not for the rug.
By carriage I would bring you to his lordship
Secluded in his castle’s western wing,
Saith none to any man or good counsel,
Despondent to the last; thus I despair.
I call on thine assistance, gentle Knave.
THE KNAVE
Thou hast spoke plain, and I shall be thy guest.
Let us away to take Lebowski’s quest.
[Exeunt]
2.1
[LEBOWSKI’s castle. Flourish. Enter THE KNAVE, with LEBOWSKI on his deathbed]
LEBOWSKI
Behold stark irony of hours dark.
As night betakes my heart, I cast mine eyes
Back across a lifetime of achievement,
Of challenge met, competitors surmounted,
Of roguish mankind’s obstacles o’ercome,
Accomplish’d more than many dare to dream
In idle wishing; yet, remarkably,
Without the use of legs; these cursèd limbs
Imprison me from stature as a man.
But there’s the thing, I ask; what is a man?
Be it reason, his faculty, his pose?
His act or expression, his golden fire?
I’d hear your mind, Lebowski; if you would.
What maketh the piece of work of man?
THE KNAVE
Faith, a perplexing question; a man
Might answer true, but I remain no man.
I am a Knave, and thus unlike to know.
LEBOWSKI
Mayhap the measure of a man is found
Not in his store, his pelf, but in the storm
That tests him strong; the stabbing shocks of sin
That fix his courage to the post, and ask
If he be man, in times where men must stand
As Job was ask’d, or Jonah i’ the fish,
Ne’er to sit silent, but to be of parts.
If man be man, he wears the mantle well,
Prepared to stand upright—forgive my text—
In tests that render price no virtue deem’d.
THE KNAVE
That maketh a man, in sooth; an a man were to lack those two tests in cause betwixt his
stance, ‘twould be no man.
LEBOWSKI
You jest; but clowns can speak in truth. My reeling thoughts yearn for such simple
counsel.
THE KNAVE
I aim to smoke of the pipe, if that betides your lordship’s right good health.
LEBOWSKI
Behold my trappings and my suits of woe;
Alas for Bonnie! So loving to her, I;
She is the light broke forth through yonder window,
From which my life is seen anew, the Sun
And Moon in equal measures, shining thus
On souls starved sick for want of luminescence.
And now do women’s weapons, water-drops,
Stain my man’s cheeks; a marvel fair—
But do you take surprise to mark my tears?
THE KNAVE
Harking, nay. If wetness be the cost of love, weep on.
LEBOWSKI
O, it is excellent to have an achiever’s strength, but, curious, hath not a strong man a
strong heart? Nay—strong men also weep, the justice of the eyes severe, at once the
infant, mewing with a woeful ballad. Mark, a messenger did bring me dark counsel ere
noontime.
[He gives THE KNAVE the note]
THE KNAVE
I mark thee; ‘tis text of rags and tatters.
LEBOWSKI
It is a note of foul and odious tenor,
And hither have they sent it for her ransom.
Of cowardice and folly, not of men;
They who achieve not upon equal play
Nor even sign their names are scarcely men,
But weaklings, venial beggars, sinners all!
THE KNAVE
Most curious and monstrous note this is,
Announcing they have captured Bonnie fair,
And for her safe return we’d surrender
A thousand pounds in pieces broke in eight.
“Instructions following; no punning jests.”
A foul, contemptuous deed! I mark thy pain.
LEBOWSKI
Of dark and cruel misdeeds I do know well.
Sir Brandt shall make you known of the details.
[Enter BRANDT]
BRANDT
My lordship’s malady—unhappy hour!—
Forbids his action on this vilest act.
He seeks thy services as courier
To grant these thieves their ducats for their spoils
According to their wishes; thou would be
Offered a share in generosity.
THE KNAVE
Faith, a tempting offer; but wherefore doth his lordship seek my qualities?
BRANDT
He hath recall’d thy sorry episode
Of rugs besoil’d, and villains in the murk.
An viewing varlet visages might aid
In rendering them punishèd, he sayst
‘Twere best to have that knows the face of sin
And stands to tell the sexton that he sees.
THE KNAVE
Thou sayst his merry wife stands prisoner
Of those who were relieved upon my rug?
BRANDT
What may be true, I say not yes or no
Ere truth be found; in truth, we do not know.
[Exeunt severally]
2.2
[The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to play at ninepins]
THE KNAVE
A strike, a very palpable strike! O, but Quince can roll straight and true.
WALTER
That he rolleth true, I cannot deny’t, but the man rolls not straight, for he is not a man to
stand upright. I have it on good authority that he is one of perversions. Two seasons has
he idled in prison for exposing his manhood to a pageboy.
THE KNAVE
My lands!
WALTER
When first he came upon the holy wood, he was made to stand in public gallows, and in
such great letters as they write “Here is good horse to hire”, it was signified on his sign,
“Here you may see a pederast.”
DONALD
What manner of man be a pederast, Sir Walter?
WALTER
Hold thy tongue, Sir Donald.—Knave, what measure of moneys were thou offer’d?
THE KNAVE
Twenty pounds for mine own, and the matter of the rug forgiven. They may summon me
at any hour day or night.
WALTER
An they should call for thee in time of ninepins, and that would hang us.
DONALD
What is like to happen in time of ninepins, Sir Walter?
WALTER
Peace, miserable Donald; life will neither stop nor start at thy command.
THE KNAVE
My purse is as good as filled; here is money found with ease. I submit that the subtle lady
may well indeed be her own kidnapper.
DONALD
I’d know thy mind further, Knave.
THE KNAVE
This be not the traffic of hardened thieves,
Nor rug-pissers, nor ruffians o’ the night.
Look well upon a lady fair, so happy fair,
Who spurn’d her love for money, glitt’ring gold,
Where, much deprived of ample gifts and treats
Did scheme to steal a greater sum from some.
In owing much to much of men about
She sought devices to discharge her debt.
WALTER
O contemptible shrew!
THE KNAVE
As sure as what was said in Siberia;
“Look well to he whose benefit abounds
And knowest all,” as I have tried to say.
DONALD
I am flabbergasted, overbowl’d,
As clumsy and unsettled as a walrus.
WALTER
O pernicious shrew!
His wife’s a hobby-horse, deserves a name
As rank as any flax-wench.
DONALD
I be the walrus.
WALTER
Hold thy tongue, Donald! Thy mind is Lenten.
The quality of wealth has sicken’d me.
An had I known that this would come to pass
(O vilest strumpet! Sinner! Painted whore!)
I might have tarried ere accepting service.
War in far-flung jungles, as my friends
Did die face-down in mire and muck and fens!
THE KNAVE
I see connection not in argument
‘Twixt Bonnie and the wars of Orient.
WALTER
‘Tis not connected literally, as rope,
But yet by stardust, thought-string, tears and hope.
THE KNAVE
Look well, my friend; there be no connection.
Take to thy roll, thy play for our selection.
[Enter JOSHUA QUINCE and LIAM O’BRIEN]
QUINCE
Hail, masters! I crave thine able readiness
To be dealt with roughly, as the Sodomites.
For men of sport have noted that our play
In semifinal hour draws on apace.
By Jove! I’ll wager well, Liam and me,
To thrash thee soundly at the fair tourney.
THE KNAVE
Yea, well, that be, forsooth, thy opinion, sir.
QUINCE
Well; but be forewarn’d. It reach’d mine ears
That combustible Walter, o’ercome with rage
Did shed good sense, and raise his sword in play.
I fear not such jade’s tricks, an seeing ill,
Would snatch the burden from the jealous knight
And pierce his gizzard with the wrongful steel,
Points up, as said of Coriolanus.
THE KNAVE
Zounds!
QUINCE
Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu.
[Exeunt QUINCE and O’BRIEN]
WALTER
Nay, fear him not, nor his unworthy joys.
Recall the tragic tale of the pageboys.
[Exeunt WALTER and DONALD]
THE KNAVE
Here I stand in sole on shrouded stage
To contemplate the ninepins; fitting sport
For men who serve to stand and then to fall.
But soft; a noise is heard. Hark! Who’s there?
Speak, if thou wouldst enter; I am no porter.
[Enter MAUDE LEBOWSKI and her VARLET, unidentified. They strike him, and exeunt]
THE KNAVE
Again I am injured; wherefore do I attract
The wrongful slings and arrows of the land?
Who was’t, mystery woman, craved my blood?
Who was’t struck my jaw for satisfaction?
The fireworks do city lanterns make
And soar I will, down staring with a smile
Upon the place beneath; and seen ahead,
A short-hair’d damsel rides a flying carpet
From Arabian legend; here falls the Knave.
In sooth, I’m weary. Let us have us a song.
‘Tis well; for I have song for such occasion,
Reminded to me by befevered dreams
Of man, and what doth maketh mannish mettle
And what fair woman’s task be in the battle.
[sings]
“The man in me would undertake brave tasks
With little recompense for which to ask.
In truth, Jove send a woman such as thee
Fain would discover true the man in me.”
[Exit]
2.2
[A bridge. Enter THE KNAVE and BRANDT (with a sack of money)]
BRANDT
The eightieth minute passes since their call,
Dispatch’d by emissary rough of speech.
So Knave, I charge thee, heed their every word
And obey all requests that they beseech.
Thy charge is simple: wait here all alone,
Let no man be companion to your quest.
They spoke with crystal clarity; I dare
Not tarry long, lest they think me your friend.
What fate befell thy jaw, m’lord?
THE KNAVE
No mind.
BRANDT
Then take these golden coins to leave behind.
Be wise and well, and heed the villains’ plans:
I tell thee that her life is in thy hands.
THE KNAVE
Sir, I attend.
BRANDT
My lord did beseech me repeat that; hark well that her life is in thy hands. Her life is in
thy hands, Knave; I will attend thy signal. Take pains. Be perfect. Adieu.
[Exit BRANDT]
THE KNAVE
By troth! A life in hands as rough as mine,
In hands design’d for dissolution harsh.
What doth a Knave awake at witching hours?
But soft. Look sharp. Here’s a strangeness indeed.
[Enter WALTER, with a satchel]
WALTER
Hail, good knave! I see you stand to linger.
Take of me this, I bring you here a ringer.
THE KNAVE
What devilry, sir? By whose direction found’st thou out this place?
WALTER
Hours at my store have I spent weighing the motives and sensations of this crime,
whirling like the dervish of faraway civilities, to catch how the case was clad. Here in this
satchel I have weighed out my mud-stained trousers, my dirty jerkins, foul French hose
and assorted motleys.
THE KNAVE
By my life, I see not why thou hast thy soiled vestments.
WALTER
We will not wait upon mine answer; for the answer is weight. It is for the fullness of our
pleasure that this very selfsame double look not empty, but in equal scale.
THE KNAVE
Is thy invention to call a hawk a handsaw?
WALTER
It came upon me to think, as if rising from a dream, wherefore it was our lot to settle for a
measly twenty pounds.
THE KNAVE
Wherefore the “we”, the “our” in this hour?
WALTER
We could well own the thousand pounds in thy grasp, with no man the wiser. Be I
wrong?
THE KNAVE
Yea, I’ll hazard all I have by it. At my word, Walter, this be not a jest.
WALTER
At thy word, Knave, ‘tis. Thou sayst she kidnapped herself.
[Enter several NIHILISTS, below, concealed]
NIHILIST
Who’s there? Stand and unfold yourself.
THE KNAVE
Speak! I come carefully upon the hour. Steer us by the evening star.
NIHILIST
“Us”? Hold thy tongue, or tongues if be ye two;
Your charge was to come in person only you.
THE KNAVE
Nay, I am one man, of several persons.
For each man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being two voices. Speak, friend!
WALTER
Knave, knowest thou the way to examine?
THE KNAVE
Peace, Walter! Thy presence does me ill.
Her life is in our hands; they’re like to kill.
WALTER
Naught is bespoil’d; thou art not acting in the manner according to a Knave. This above
all: to thine own self be true. Let him speak again.
NIHILIST
Hello there!
WALTER
Seest thou? Naught is bespoil’d. These rank villains are but amateurs.
NIHILIST
Be not rash, unadvised or sudden.
Knave, we shall proceed this time of meeting,
But do not feign, O witnesses above.
Toss down thy coin, to me bescreen’d in night.
WALTER
Pass me the ringer, Knave; we’ll hand it down.
THE KNAVE
I love thee, Walter, but thou art a fool.
[They throw down the ringer]
WALTER
Here is thy purse, varlets, thy cheated prize.
The money’s ours. Quick, Knave, thy chariot;
We’ll bowl in friendship ere the sun arise.
Look sharp! A pox upon’t, Knave; let us play at ninepins.
[Exeunt severally]
2.3
[The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER, to play at ninepins]
THE KNAVE
What hast thou done, Walter? What will we tell
The big Lebowski, who loves his wife so well?
I trust thee not for scheme and subtle gore;
The first thing they do, they’ll kill the woman poor!
WALTER
Poor woman! Poor wench! You prattle on, O Knave!
Her captor and her self are the selfsame.
As so thou spake; and so still I believe.
She’s no abused victim, but a thief.
THE KNAVE
Thou heardst me wrong; I said in idle thought
She might have selfsame-stole; but whence the proof
And certitude thou hast to light this act?
What if thy certainty is all in vain?
Retain thy state and in consideration check
If majesty has fallen now to folly
In hideous rashness.
WALTER
I do assent
My certitude is one hundred per cent.
[Enter DONALD]
DONALD
The jousts and games of sport continue on;
The looming tourney plans are posted high
And stand recorded in this schedule writ.
WALTER
Donald, hold thy tongue—no, stay, I err.
When do they set our match of open air?
DONALD
Faith, we face Joshua Quince and the Irishman this very Saturday.
WALTER
Saturday! Unhappy fortune. Something was forgotten in the state of office. A calendar, a
calendar! Look in the almanac; find a date uncancell’d by destiny. What manner of fool is
he that scheduled this date? I did take pains to disclose my unavailability.
DONALD
Marry, ‘twas Burkhalter.
WALTER
A German, all slops, or low Dutch; thrice I made him to know that I roll not on Saturday.
DONALD
But posted it be; what’s done cannot be undone.
WALTER
They shall unpost it, by my life!
THE KNAVE
I care not, Walter—what of that poor woman?
WALTER
Peace, Knave; she will tire of her little game anon, and wander back in the manner of the
punished cur, tail between her legs.
DONALD
Wherefore thou playest not at ninepins on Saturday, Sir Walter?
WALTER
On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn
To keep tradition, form and ceremony.
The seventh and the last day rests the Jew;
I labour not, nor ride in chariot,
Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook,
And sure as Providence I do not roll.
Hath not a Jew rights? Hath not a Jew hands,
Organs, bowling-balls, Pomeranians?
If you schedule us, must you not do right?
If we step o’er the line, do we not mark it nought?
The Sabbath; I’ll roll not, God-a-mercy.
THE KNAVE
I’ll to my car; I must leave this place.
I tire of these arguments and japes.
DONALD
Stay, Knave; I’d hear of how ye handed off to criminals their accursed spoils.
THE KNAVE
There is naught to tell. All is lost. They did not get their money, and they will kill—
WALTER
Yea, they will kill the woman poor. Alack the day! They will kill the woman poor. Alas,
poor woman! They’ll kill her well.
DONALD
Walter, how dost thou proceed upon the Sabbath?
WALTER
Knave, I stand surprisèd, gall’d, gull-crack’d.
They will kill none, harm none, say none, do none.
Amateurs they, I’ll take it to my grave,
And all Lebowski’s money shall be thine. Be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
Walter, thou hast erred.
WALTER
Nay! For thou hast money in our car,
And they have taken linens mine afar!
My ragged hose bespoil’d, my dirty whites,
My breeches and my foulest-smelling tights!
THE KNAVE
Hark! Look now to where my ride was parked.
There it’s not; the space is free and dark.
DONALD
Prithee, Walter, who hath thy breeches?
THE KNAVE
Ruined! Poor stolen car in a dead man’s space.
My kingdom for a horse to catch these dogs!
The money, gone—mine only transport, gone—
They’ve robb’d me of that which enriches me
And left me poor indeed! Howl! Howl! Howl! Howl!
Call up the watch! O villainy, villainy!
O, I am fortune’s fool, lost all, lost all!
[Exeunt WALTER and DONALD; enter MAUDE]
THE KNAVE
You there, close-cropped woman all in green.
Be you shapes and tricks or vile apparition,
Say, why is this? Wherefore? What should we do?
See you the shameful souls of stridence sick
Plunder’d my argosies most grievously?
MAUDE
Nay, poor clown, you remember me not.
By Maude Lebowski I am called in faith.
I came to you by night in this same place
To be revenged for your ill-gotten prize.
Your jaw was punch’d, your rug whiskèd in haste
Not hours after you had brought it home.
I’d have you be my guest in my abode,
My studio of arts, my academe.
THE KNAVE
Lo, the rug Lebowski gave to me?
Thou art the lady caused me injury.
So I’ll with you to see about my carpet,
And hope for fairer wind about my chariot.
[Exeunt]
3.1
[An artist’s studio. Enter THE KNAVE and MAUDE]
MAUDE
If by my art, my curious friend, I have
Put the wild notions in a roar, so be’t.
What think you on the female form, O Knave?
The woman’s part in me so gallantly
Manifests itself within in mine art
Commended by the wise as country work;
I paint only those of my own sex.
The very word is said to bother men,
Discomfort them, encircled in their ring.
It is the very painting of discomfort,
Two legs without a head. I say no thing.
THE KNAVE
I take no awkward pause, nor balk nor stare,
But only ask, askance, what art this is.
I see no ring to mar if I would kiss’t,
But only oily painting I might stain.
The Knave deciphers nothing in its image;
Thy work has made a nihilist of me.
MAUDE
In faith, the art is only what you will,
And if the word can poison not your ear
Then you’re in luck; some men of lesser stuff
Dislike to hear it, dare not speak its name.
Whereas without a flicker of his eye
A man might speak of King Richard the Third,
Or pose an idle sonnet on his rod,
Or praise the wit of his selfsame Johnson.
THE KNAVE
As Benjamin Jonson, lady?
MAUDE
Let us speak plain and to the purpose. My father bade you take the rug, but that you chose
was, in faith, a gift of me to my departed mother, the happiest gift that ever marquess
gave, and thus not his to make a rich and precious gift of. But trifles, trifles; let us speak
of this supposed kidnapping. It hath the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever
offended nostril.
THE KNAVE
Permit me to explain about the rug—
MAUDE
What cares have you, Lebowski, upon love?
THE KNAVE
Alack, lady, thy question does me vex.
MAUDE
The physicality of making love;
I’d have you tell me if you like it well.
A myth persists on women of my stripe,
That our body politic renders us in hate
Of acts of love; a most injurious lie.
The enterprise can have in it much zest.
But men who walk with satyrs in the morn
And women swimming nightly ‘twixt the nymphs
Are punished by Oberon for sin
And do the deed compulsively engaged,
Sans joy, sans love, sans everything.
THE KNAVE
Prithee nay!
MAUDE
So damn’d a soul is Bonnie; I have heard
That lustful creatures sitting at a play
Have by the cunning language of the scene
Been struck so to the soul that presently
They have proclaim’d their infatuations.
I’ve had these players make their show for you;
Suiting the action to the word indeed.
It shall be called “Log Jamming”, because
It hath bared bottom; but hark—the players.
So please your grace, the Prologue is addressed.
[Enter OLIVER as the PLAYER KARL HUNGUS, BONNIE as the PLAYER WHORE and
a PLAYER QUEEN]
PLAYER QUEEN
Two women, both alike in beauty,
In fair Verona where we lay our scene,
From broken cable break to new nudity,
Where civil breasts touch civil hands unclean.
The which if you Jaques Treehorn’s play attend,
What this fine miss and whore shall strive to mend.
THE KNAVE
She hath rid her prologue like a rough colt.
MAUDE
Such riding you will see the like of, so as to form the beast with two backs. But hark;
here is the poor player that struts and frets to play Karl Hungus upon the stage.
OLIVER
I rode to thee dispatched with all speed.
The cable broke, the holding-anchor lost.
THE KNAVE
Marry, I know that man; he is a nihilist.
MAUDE
And is her face familiar to you;
Familiar and by all means vulgar?
BONNIE
Knock, knock! Never at quiet. Here’s a man of repair; I should have old turning his key.
Hark to my noble kinswoman, here to travail in a shower brought up by a tempest of the
soul.
PLAYER QUEEN
Hast thou, traveler, perform’d to mend the cable that she bade thee?
MAUDE
This is the silliest stuff that ever I heard.
THE KNAVE
I wonder if he be to fix the cable.
MAUDE
Be not fatuous, Geoffrey. It matters not
A fig to me if Bonnie be a whore,
Nor that she courts the merry Jaques Treehorn,
To use the happy parlance of our times.
But our good name Lebowski is such stuff
As dreams are made on for a host of youth
Whose education our foundation builds,
And proud we are indeed of all of them.
My father stole much money from these babes
To pay the thieves to purchase back his wife,
The fornicator, devilry-compulsed,
Hath took my father on her sinful ride.
As for thy rug, I charge thee with a task;
My father’s crime too loathsome for police,
His scandal being ruinous to our name,
I bid thee find the money that thou pass’d
These villains and return it to my keep;
I’ll pay thee handsomely in fine reward
That thou canst purchase any rug thou wilt.
THE KNAVE
The task is right in purpose and in law,
But wherefore didst thou crack me on my jaw?
MAUDE
Pardons, good Geoffrey. I know of a learned doctor who wilt examine thee. Thou wilt
receive no bill. He is an honourable man, and thorough.
THE KNAVE
Thy thought is kind.
MAUDE
See the doctor, he’s honourous and thorough;
After thou returnst to thy good borough.
[Exeunt severally]
3.2
[Upon the road. Enter THE KNAVE, sipping a White Russian; opposing, enter BRANDT
and LEBOWSKI (on his cart)]
LEBOWSKI
Speak, and speak quickly, foul vagrant!
THE KNAVE
I beseech ye, there is a beverage here.
BRANDT
Our attempts to reach thee have been frantic and numerous, Knave.
LEBOWSKI
Whither my money? They did not receive the money. Thou liest, thou shag-haired
villain! Thou odious maggot! Her life was in thy hands!
BRANDT
Verily, this be our concern, Knave.
THE KNAVE
Pray, naught is bespoil’d here—
LEBOWSKI
Naught is bespoil’d? Zeus’ noble chariot hath crashed into yonder mount!
THE KNAVE
We, forsooth, the “we” of royalty,
Did drop the money as instructed hence.
But certain things revealed to breaking light,
Occurring not to ye; of nature such
That blaming me will win ye not the lass.
LEBOWSKI
No more; the text is foolish. What are these
New things you prattle of, O blith’ring fool?
THE KNAVE
I speak of information borne anew!
I blither of the new stuff come to light!
Know ye she kidnapped herself? ‘Tis true!
A lady happy fair, spurn’d, thou knowest,
In the parlance of our time, ne’er borrower
Nor lender be, to known nymphs and satyrs;
Yet I am well, I am well. She must feed
A wilderness of monkeys; occurr’st that?
LEBOWSKI
In faith, Master Lebowski, it occurr’d not.
BRANDT
It had not occurr’d to us, Knave.
THE KNAVE
That it occurr’st not to ye, I forgive, for ye be privy not to the new stuff; that is why I am
charged. As such, might we speak of settling accounts? Mine equerry feareth for mine
excises.
LEBOWSKI
Present to him the worst and least wholesome envelope, Sir Brandt.
[BRANDT gives the envelope to THE KNAVE; within, a toe]
O Knave! Since thou hast failed to achieve
The brief and modest task that was thy charge,
Stolen my pelf, and still betray’d my trust,
I’ve told these varlets thou hast took their prize,
Encouraged them to seize their bond from thee.
With good Sir Brandt as witness to my vow
I promise thee that any harm to Bonnie
Shall visit tenfold time upon thy head.
Ope thy parcel, sinner! See her toe,
Chopp’d off from her and still bepainted green.
Now it is said; ‘tis all thou needs must know—
For I will not abide another toe.
[Exeunt severally]
3.3
[A tavern near the bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER]
WALTER
My lord, I do deny it is her toe.
THE KNAVE
Whose toe be it, if not my lady’s toe?
WALTER
Vexatious problem that, but not of heft.
There’s naught to indicate the lady’s harm’d.
THE KNAVE
The fresh green paint of fair Miss Bonnie’s nail!
WALTER
Marry, sir, nail-painting, rugs and urine.
A man may paint the white toe green, tell her,
Paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come.
THE KNAVE
And where might a man fetch a toe?
WALTER
O toe!
Thou wouldst have a toe? A toe can be obtain’d.
Ways are known, Knave. Thou wilt not like to hear.
I’ll have a toe for thee this afternoon
Ere singeth cockerel at three o’clock.
These amateurs would have us soil’d with fear.
THE KNAVE
They’ll kill her, Walter, ere they turn on me.
WALTER
Thy stress is great, my friend; thy reason not;
This be a string of crime-craft victimless.
THE KNAVE
But thou hast not explain’d the cursèd toe!
WALTER
I pray you, think no more upon the toe!
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I remind thee, sirs, to acquire and beget a temperance that may give thy voices
smoothness, trippingly on the tongue. This tavern be a place of family business.
WALTER
Nay! The Courts considered prior restraint
And smote it thus; I’ll speak my chosen piece.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
If patience cannot calm thy storm forthwith
Fain would I bid thee leave my tavern-door.
[Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY]
WALTER
My friends did die face-down in mire and muck
That you and I might trade within these walls.
THE KNAVE
Nay, I’ll none; I take my leave without.
[Exit THE KNAVE]
WALTER
Knave, prithee stay! This doth affect our tale!
Our freedom’s base! I’m finishing my ale.
[Exit]
3.4
[THE KNAVE’s house. THE KNAVE is in his bath]
THE KNAVE
I am conducted to a gentle bath.
Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this Knave
Clean from the land?
[Alarums. Enter OLIVER and the two NIHILISTS, bearing a marmot]
Forsooth! This be a place
Of residence, and much a private place.—
O excellent marmot!
OLIVER
Anon, we crave the money, Lebowski.
We speak in neither jest nor fallacy.
We could do such stuff as dreams do feature,
Believing in nothing; empty and void.
Tomorrow if thou hast not the ransom
We shall recourse, and cut off thy Johnson.
[Exeunt severally]
3.5
[The tavern at the bowling green; enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to sit at
the bar]
THE KNAVE
My car is found, but treasure none within’t,
Although the constable has sworn to find’t.
My inquiries of leads led him to mirth
As if my misery and woes to scorn.
O piteous Knave!—My only hope remains
That in his anger, the Lebowski big
Kills me ere these Germans cut my lance.
WALTER
Ridiculous, good Knave. Thou knowest well
That no man makes thee eunuch while I live.
Naught hath changed; these German swine are cruel,
Three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses,
Mere usurpers, tyrants and what’s worse.
DONALD
Were’t they tyrants, Knave?
WALTER
They meant to geld the lily, Sir Donald!
Split never hairs tonight. Or be I wrong?
THE KNAVE
Nay; not tyrants. Nihilists to a man.
They believe in nothing; nothing will come of’t.
WALTER
Nihilists! I am beshrewn. Say what thou wilt
Of fascist tenets, Knave; it seeks to stand
Philosophy and politic, not void.
And let it noted be that wildlife kept,
Amphibious rodent, in domestic walls,
Is retrograde to right and civil laws.
THE KNAVE
Art thou a forester? A woodcutter yet, or shepherd of the flock? Who cares a fig for
th’accursed marmot?
WALTER
I speak only to sympathise, Knave.
THE KNAVE
I need no sympathy, no emotion.
That I need is only my Johnson.
DONALD
Wherefore needest thou thy Johnson, Knave?
WALTER
Be of good cheer, friend. Wouldst thou enter the tourney so sad?
THE KNAVE
A pox upon the tourney! And thee, Walter!
I might have escaped this with few pains
But for the shock of stench upon my rug.
Now I am cursed with damages tenfold
In seeking counsel from so great an ass.
WALTER
“A pox upon the tourney,” he declares.
Come, then, Donald; we’ll leave him as he fares.
[Exeunt WALTER and DONALD]
THE KNAVE
O, that mine two, two solid friends would leave
Me to resolve myself on what to do.
Two noble kinsmen, nay?—Another ale.
Why, then, the Russian White my only drink;
Let’s drink together friendly and embrace.
[Enter the CHORUS]
CHORUS
What sayst thou, Mistress Quickly? Hast thou a goodly beverage, brewed of sarsaparillaroot?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
[without]
As brewed in the city of the base Indian.
CHORUS
Ay, there’s a good one. How fares the Knave?
THE KNAVE
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
CHORUS
Such a day, I mark thee, whereupon the winter of our discontent is ne’er made glorious
summer. A gentleman wiser than myself did say that on some such days, thou exits,
pursued by a bear, and on others, the bear exits, pursued by you.
THE KNAVE
By my troth, a good philosophy. Was’t of the Orient?
CHORUS
Nay, far from it. I mark well thy fashion, good Knave.
THE KNAVE
And I thy fashion, stranger.
CHORUS
Many thanks.
If I may crave a boon, may I request
That thine ungracious mouth be less profane,
Spoke less in cursing word, and more in craft?
THE KNAVE
What dost thou speak upon, O damned fool?
CHORUS
I jest; well-spoken, Knave. Be of good ease;
Exeunt now, the tumbling tumbleweeds.
[Exeunt]
3.6
[MAUDE’s studio. Enter THE KNAVE and MAUDE, with KNOX HARRINGTON]
THE KNAVE
What manner of man is this pilgrim strange,
Who sits upon my lady’s couch and laughs
As if in private humour of his own.
What is thy trade; what secret craft is thine?
KNOX HARRINGTON
You know. ‘Tis nothing much to look upon,
Matters of no import. A bit of this;
A little bit of that; O, how I laugh!
MAUDE
Geoffrey, thou hast not seen doctor skill’d
Whose studio I asked thee to attend.
Hast thou heard news of money yet recouped?
THE KNAVE
In sooth, I must confess I was waylaid
And fear I must resign the charge at hand;
Oliver hath persuaded me to rest.
MAUDE
He is a hired player and a fool,
An actor poor, unexcellent musician,
Who’d play abductor for this fiendish plot.
Thou knowest well this woman is in health,
No more a victim than she mother’d me.
THE KNAVE
This case perplexes me in complex course,
With many ins and many outs and strands.
KNOX HARRINGTON
Most mirthful! I’ll titter thus upon’t.
THE KNAVE
Beshrew me, who is this gentleman, Maude? What manner of man be he, to parlay in thy
parlour?
MAUDE
Knox Harringon, the tapestry artist. Geoffrey, thou hast not seen the doctor, and I fear for
thy bruise.—Enter, doctor!
[Enter DOCTOR BUTTS]
MAUDE
I would not be to blame for pains delay’d.
And yea, he is an honourable man, and thorough.
Examine him, good doctor, as thou wilt.
DOCTOR BUTTS
Do slide thy shorts down, Master Lebowski.
THE KNAVE
‘pon my life, I was stricken on the jaw.
DOCTOR BUTTS
I understand; but thou must slide thy shorts.
MAUDE
Come, Geoffrey. While the good doctor examines,
I’d have a song, if it pleases thee.
THE KNAVE
[sings]
“Imagination setteth in
To maketh man to wish to sing,
Hey-nonny-no, looking out my back door;
Bother me tomorrow
For today I buy no sorrows.
Hey-nonny-no, looking out my back door.”
[Exeunt severally]
4.1
[A playhouse. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to hear the PLAYERS]
WALTER
Come, Knave; I’d hear the balance of thy tale.
Inside thy car didst thou detect some trace
By villains left, who deprived it of goods?
No ghost of guilt, identity betray’d
By careless thieves who cover’d not their tracks?
THE KNAVE
I found a document, so roughly writ
It troubled me to make good sense of it.
Of school-days’ friendship, childhood innocence,
A paper writ in study by some churl
Of youth not born under a rhyming planet.
‘Twas lesser verse composed and badly hewn,
Concern’d the King of France, and purchased land,
And though I am a weakish speller, I
Detected errors mark’d throughout in hand
Of headmaster despair’d, in ink so red
At first the Knave had thought that he had bled.
WALTER
In faith, I will examine me this text
And see if by its hand its maker’s traced.
Hark; here’s the name of its rude author,
One Laurence Sellers, living in the north.
He liveth near a tavern, in and out
Reputed for the searing of beefsteak.
DONALD
Those be fine beefsteaks, Walter.
WALTER
Hold thy tongue, Donald; I’ve not said all.
The varlet is a youth whose father stands
A titan in the world of hired players,
A playwright, Arthur Digby Sellers call’d.
His plays renowned throughout the continent,
Bulk of the series, Knave, and no lightweight.
How tragic that his son doth prove a dunce!
An north we proceed, once concluded be
The merriment of this performance piece—
DONALD
Then might we dine on beefsteaks, in and out?
WALTER
Hold thy tongue, Donald, I pray thee; thou art a great eater of beef, and I believe that
does harm to thy wit. Yea, we shall brace the kid; he shall be o’er-pushed with certitude.
We shall take what moneys he hath not spent, and yea, we shall be near the place of good
repute, to feast on beefsteaks, have some ales and merry jests. Our troubles be over,
Knave.
[Exeunt]
4.2
[Outside a castle in the north. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD]
THE KNAVE
Alack! Regard this finest car without;
The child hath spent the bulk of money mine
On yon conveyance, like a corvette ship
To sail on simpler waters than I swim.
WALTER
Not so; such goods seem costly, but in sooth,
The vehicle’s but three or four percent
Of all thy gains ill-gotten that may stand,
Depending on the trappings. Donald, hold;
We’ll speak with young Laurence, and circle swift.
Ho, squire Laurence! Reveal thyself and chat.
[Enter LAURENCE]
WALTER
Thy father suffers problems with his health
And writes no more—a shame on it, say I,
For on a level personal his works
Were muse to me; I was a man to love
The early episodes birth’d of his quill.
Thou art a writer, Laurence, as I’ve read,
Though one of orthography correctèd.
[He raises the document]
Thou art a lad of years mayhap fifteen,
At once a lad and coming to a man
Who’s wise, I trust, to welcome not police,
Constabulary actions being harsh.
Is this thy parchment, Laurence? Tell me true.
Is this thy parchment, Laurence? Tell me plain.
THE KNAVE
Be quick, Sir Walter! Ask of chattels bought.
Ask if that fine corvette without be his.
WALTER
Is this thy parchment, Laurence? Home-work thine?
THE KNAVE
We know that well, Sir Walter! His it be!
Whither the money, varlet, mewling spawn?
WALTER
Demand him nothing. What we know, we know.
From this time forth he never will speak word.
Hark, Laurence, hast thou studied of a place
Of Orient jungles?
THE KNAVE
Walter, prithee nay!
Zounds, Sir Walter! No more talk of this.
WALTER
Youth, thou art entering a world of pain.
We know this document is home-work thine,
And that thou stealest cars—
THE KNAVE
And monies too!
WALTER
And monies, and this is thy home-work, boy.
Wherefore silence? What impudence is this?
Thou art killing thy father, Laurence! O!
This hath no end; he never will speak word.
I take thy parchment back, and turn to plans
Of secondary contingence. Look well.
Behold thy car, the corvette, crimson-stain’d,
And see what befalls sinners evermore.
[He raises his sword, and smites the car]
This befalleth when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks, Laurence! Understand’st
thou? Dost thou attend me? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what
happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger
‘twixt the buttocks?!
[Enter CLOWN]
This be what befalleth, Laurence! This be what befalleth, Laurence!
CLOWN
What hast thou wrought, thou man of province strange?
The corvette be my purchase yester-week;
Alas! My car, admired, baby mine.
My car hath shuffled off this mortal coil.
WALTER
Marry, an honest blunder; I knew this not to be thine.
CLOWN
I maketh thee to shuffle off this mortal coil, man! Nay, I’ll be revenged in proper
recompense, suiting the punishment to the action, the action to the punishment; I maketh
thy car to shuffle off this mortal coil!
[He raises his sword, and smites THE KNAVE’s car]
THE KNAVE
No! Thou hast trespass’d wrongly; that be not Sir Walter’s conveyance, but mine own!
CLOWN
I maketh thy car to shuffle off this mortal coil! I maketh thy accursed car to shuffle off
this mortal coil!
DONALD
Faith! I sit within, and cringe in fear;
What fools these mortals be that tarry here!
[Exeunt]
4.3
[The castle of JAQUES TREEHORN. Enter THE KNAVE]
THE KNAVE
Here I stand on quarters unfamiliar,
A pad of land of quality unspoil’d,
Having dined on beefsteak on the journey
In and out; and whereupon Sir Walter
Tender’d his apologies remorseful,
Hoping that I might have made it home,
Wond’ring still if Laurence may have crack’d.
Upon my homeward coming I was met
Harshly by these ruffians of note
Who’ve trafficked in my house; I like them not.
[Enter BLANCHE and WOO]
BLANCHE
Again we meet, Lebowski, who thou art;
And yea, we know of which Lebowski art
Thy deadbeat frame.
WOO
So do attend, O sprite;
Thou dealest not with fools this wicked night.
[Exit BLANCHE and WOO. Flourish. Enter JAQUES TREEHORN]
JAQUES TREEHORN
Good Knave, my thanks for travels thou hast made;
By Jaques Treehorn I am called in name.
I bid thee welcome to my humble home
And beg thee take a beverage of thy choice.
THE KNAVE
The brew of whitest Russia I would sip
If thou hast rum. How fares thy working trade?
JAQUES TREEHORN
A playwright and theatre-man am I,
With tendrils dipp’d in lakes of many stripes,
In printed words, in dumb-show and in court.
THE KNAVE
Which be “Log Jamming”?
JAQUES TREEHORN
Thou readest my regret;
The playhouse is a place of disrepair.
When rude mechanicals may gather nights
To play in interludes most amateur,
We cut the very wheat from our fair crop
And make poor sport of spectacle and tale,
With no more tears in the performing of’t.
Thy brain hath in the function of its power
The zone where faith is firmly fix’d in love,
Richer than all thy tribe in other parts.
THE KNAVE
On thee, mayhap.
JAQUES TREEHORN
The brightest heaven of invention
May yet compass wonders fit for devils
In greatest fair effects of future hopes.
Such plays may well transport us all beyond
This ignorant present.
THE KNAVE
Faith, an excellent dream;
But I still read Ben Jonson manually.
JAQUES TREEHORN
Ay, there’s the rub. I pray thee, Knave, to hear
The purpose of my night’s invitation
As brought thee to my seat. Where is Bonnie?
THE KNAVE
O irony; I thought that thou couldst know.
JAQUES TREEHORN
My mind is slate and sky-dark; the lady
Only ran off to flee her debt to me,
A bond, a sizable bond.
THE KNAVE
But she ran not!
JAQUES TREEHORN
I know thy troubles, Knave, the tangled web
Woven upon the practice to deceive.
An thou robbest her husband, I care not.
How goes the world, that I am thus encountered
With clamorous demands of broken bonds
And the detention of long-since-due debts?
THE KNAVE
Well spoke; but sir, there many facets be.
The parties of interest are of scope
And multitude in number. What’s for me,
What of the Knave, if he retains thy gold?
JAQUES TREEHORN
The tenth part of the plunder shall be thine;
But drink thou from thy goblet, ere it warms.
THE KNAVE
I’ll drink your health, good Jaques, as a friend
For greatly is thy jib-cut most admired.
The Knave carouses to thy fortune, Treehorn.
But hark! O venom! What betides my drink,
That makes me swoon? The drink. I am poisoned.
The treacherous White Russian in my hand.
[He falls]
And all the Knave e’er wanted was his rug
As spoken of, which tied the room together.
Look sharp! Darkness overtakes the Knave,
Of blacker shade than cattle’s secret parts
On moonless nights in Devonshire. I fall.
It hath no bottom, not this taste of sin;
I drop to see condition that I’m in.
[Exeunt severally]
4.4
[THE KNAVE’s house. Enter THE KNAVE]
THE KNAVE
I have had a most rare vision. I have had a dream past the wit of man to say what dream it
was. Methought I waked to find I could be bound in a satchel of infinite space, only to
trip upon a cloud, to fall eight miles high and tear my mind on a jagged sky. Most
peculiar.
Then was I found by night-watch constable,
Who liked my jerkin not, and told me thus,
And cast me from his beach community.
And eagles gazed upon with every eye;
And O, I hate the cursèd eagles, man.
[Enter MAUDE]
It is my lady friend, it is my love.
MAUDE
Come, thou spirit that tends on mortal thoughts,
Come lie with me under the greenwood tree
And know the heat of a luxurious bed
And in our faults by lies we’ll flattered be.
THE KNAVE
My Maude is now the queen of special ladies,
Attired in a robe that is mine own.
[They kiss, and lay down]
MAUDE
Speak of thyself, O Geoffrey, while we sleep.
THE KNAVE
Let me present my life-time as a Knave,
Though little stands to tell; but tarry soft.
I’d tell thee how, in youth, I did author
A statement in Port Huron, ere the turn
When it emerg’d in compromised draft.
Or how, in fair Seattle, I and six
Were charg’d conspirators against the King;
Yea, that was me; and sixfold other men.
I turn’d attention briefly to the lute
And fife, and tour’d with men of speed and sound,
Who asses were; now I do nothing much,
Mayhap a bit of this, a bit of that.
I play at ninepins on the village green
And tour the town, and think on wilder days.
My house is sacked by Jaques Treehorn’s men
Who thought to seek thy father’s money here;
A case of great complexity we glimpse,
With many ins and outs, as I have said.
[MAUDE arranges herself upon the floor]
MAUDE
The money’s the foundation’s, not the man’s.
My father hath no money of his own;
The wealth was his inheritance to tend
And pompously he claims it as his crop.
O vanity of Father! Fierce extremes
Of personality he built so as to seem
The wide world’s emperor; and hence the whore,
So purchased as to sate his glory-thirst.
THE KNAVE
Wherefore thy strange position on the floor?
MAUDE
I crave a young conception in my womb,
And seat me thus to better take thy seed.
THE KNAVE
Increase thy chance of bearing me a child?
But I a father poorly made would be!
MAUDE
Nay, I seek no partner in this babe;
I love thee not, therefore pursue me not.
Our comedy ends not with marriage-bed,
I’ll live unpartner’d, and unbotherèd.
THE KNAVE
Marry! Then thou wouldst have a child of bastard blood, without a father, as thou thyself
might well have wished to have no father; but now I think upon thy father, and lo, new
stuff doth come to light breaking forth. My thinking on thy sorry case had become most
up-tightened, and I am altogether govern’d by humours. Quickly, away! I must to Sir
Walter.
[Exeunt]
4.5
[The road. Enter THE KNAVE]
THE KNAVE
I wait upon the coming of Sir Walter
Who, on my dispatch, flew him to emerge
That we might seek the Castle of Lebowski
And right these monstrous wrongs ere evensong.
[Enter BROTHER SEAMUS]
Who’s there?
BROTHER SEAMUS
Be still! I’ll harm thy person not.
‘Tis I, the Brother Seamus, Irish monk—
A man the finer having seen thee work,
A snitch and snoop for private clientele,
A dirk; a man who seeketh for to find.
THE KNAVE
That’s well; but keep thee from my lady friend.
BROTHER SEAMUS
I never tempted her with word too large;
I knew her not thy special lady fair.
THE KNAVE
She’s not my special lady but my friend;
I help’d her swell her womb. Who hired thee?
Art thou a servant of Lebowski state,
Or Jaques Treehorn, or some goblin damned?
BROTHER SEAMUS
I travel on the charge of sons of knights,
A job of wand’ring daughters from the north.
The lady Bonnie’s falsely bonny bred.
Her name be Fawn, a girl of Moorhead born,
Whose parents wish her back with broken hearts;
This past twelvemonth she fled the family farm
And I’m to show her paintings of the land.
THE KNAVE
The lady’s love for paint is plain to see,
But she hath seen Karl Hungus, and is like
To not exchange it for pastoral life.
BROTHER SEAMUS
Alack the day! O fairest damsel lost!
It is a false steward that steals a master’s daughter.
Mayhap we might our slim resources pool,
Exchange our facts in noble courtesy,
In friendship and professionality.
THE KNAVE
Nay, for thou art none the finer man.
Away, sirrah; my ride approacheth nigh.
And stay away from special lady mine,
Or lady friend, as I would have it writ.
[Exit BROTHER SEAMUS; enter WALTER (with dog)]
WALTER
Thy messenger decreed emergency
And so I broke my vows of Sabbath pure,
For this the holy day of resting be
For gentle Jews; now state thy purpose, Knave.
THE KNAVE
We must away to old Lebowski’s house
To press him on the matter of this case.
We botch’d his payoff to the villains vile
That night, and in his anger, though he yell’d,
He visited no harm upon my head
Nor render’d my weak body punishèd.
WALTER
Mayhaps the gentle soul’s catharsis lay
In shouting at thee.
THE KNAVE
Nay; a game’s afoot.
He knows I am a fool; I do agree,
But why wouldst he me charge to save his wife?
Methinks the man despised his lady fair
And plotted ill to profit from her loss
And in his sinning sought to make a show.
I’ll tell thee this; he gave me no true gold
Nor jewels, nor any treasure of accord
To toss the thieves; nor effort has he made
To have of me the haul from him I stole.
Methinks the money that we thought was lost
Was never thus, but weight like laundries thine:
Our ringer was a ringer for the same
In odious Lebowski’s rotten game.
WALTER
I mark thee, and pay tribute to thy wits,
Deduction noble made, but all the same
Must query quick the nature of this crime
That leads me out of doors on Sabbath eve.
THE KNAVE
Sir Walter, prithee cease; thou art no Jew.
Of Papists born in Poland was thy line.
WALTER
Thou knowest I converted ere I wed
The Lady Cynthia.
THE KNAVE
But that is past;
Five twelvemonths cross’d the sky since thou were wed.
WALTER
‘Tis true, I have in oath and court of law
Made a divorce betwixt Cynthia and me,
But doth equivocation turn a heart?
When justice calls a Jew into the court
Must not a Jew emerge? Is he anew?
May I no more of libraries borrow,
Or push my cart, or be my selfsame man?
The Hebrew turns not Christian; he is rock.
THE KNAVE
Thy sickness for fair Cynthia is sad;
Thou carest for her cur, though are not wed,
And still her synagogue thou dost attend.
Thou livest in the most accursed past.
WALTER
Forsooth! Three thousand years of history,
Traditions beauteous from Moses on:
Thou speakest damnèd truth, and speakest well,
I am a man to live in bygone past!
But let’s away; the big Lebowski waits,
And fate rewards no man who hesitates.
[Exeunt]
5.1
[LEBOWSKI’s castle. Flourish. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and BONNIE]
THE KNAVE
Look well on Bonnie, something like the sun.
She hath been in her cups, and singing brave
Converting all her sounds of woe into
Hey-nonny-nonny; hark.
BONNIE
Long live the city of the meadows! Let us have a song.
[sings]
“But when I came to Lebowski estate
With hey, ho, the fountain doth rain
I usèd my car to batter the gate
For the Knave abideth every day.
And when I came, alas! to wive
With hey, ho, the fountain doth rain
By swaggering could I constantly thrive
For the Knave abideth every day.”
[Exit BONNIE; enter BRANDT]
BRANDT
Thine eyes deceive thee not; the lady lives,
No longer vanishèd; what’s lost is found.
She left to see the palmer at the springs
And told no man that she would go away.
Good Knave, I pray thee, bother not my lord,
For he is angry; prithee, who is this?
WALTER
I’ll tell thee who I am; a veteran, I,
A soldier of the honour-giving field
Of mire and muck and fens; we’ll have thy lord.
[Exit BRANDT; enter LEBOWSKI on his cart]
LEBOWSKI
Beshrew me! That my door be darken’d thus
By this foul cheat who found me not my bride.
THE KNAVE
Whither the money, Lebowski?
WALTER
A thousand pounds from young achievers robb’d!
O rude and vilest villain! Coward cursed!
A most notable coward of no quality
Whose tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.
Thou art as loathsome as a toad, thou vice,
A bolting-hutch of beastliness, thou mite,
Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool!
LEBOWSKI
Thou hast thy history and I have mine.
I say that thou hast stole my thousand pounds.
WALTER
O wound! I wouldst not dream to filch thy wealth.
THE KNAVE
Thou art a villain, human parakeet!
Thou thought thy wife vanish’d, and thought it well!
Thou hadst met me and thought my mettle right
To be thy pawn, a man of ill repute
Who circles not amidst men of good square,
That thou might use to shuffle gold about.
LEBOWSKI
Well? Art thou not a man of no regard,
A greasy tallow husk of failèd flesh?
THE KNAVE
Perchance.
WALTER
Tush, tush; let’s speak of him instead.
An infinite and endless liar, he.
I’ve seen my share of spines a-damagèd;
This sinner stands to walk most capably.
Stand now, O villain! Up upon thy feet!
LEBOWSKI
Step back, I prithee; stay not close to me.
WALTER
I bid thee walk afoot, if thou be man!
[He casts LEBOWSKI from his chair; LEBOWSKI falls]
THE KNAVE
O, he hath fallen!
WALTER
‘pon my life, I might have sworn he had his sea-legs.
THE KNAVE
Thou art a fool and of thee I despair.
We must away; let’s help him to his chair.
[They set him back into his cart. Exeunt]
5.2
[The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER]
WALTER
No doubt we’ll see some armour’d conflict yet,
Some battle fare unto the morning’s war.
But fighting in the arid desert be
A diff’ring beast from skirmishes as I
Experienced in jungles canopied.
That was a soldier’s war, by Jove, whereas
This thing shall be a walk as soft as cake.
I had me but my bow and quiver set,
No heavy horse; ‘twas I and good Sir Charles,
‘Twere face to face and eye to eye opposed.
[Enter DONALD]
That be combat, forsooth; the man in black,
An adversary worthy on the mount.
DONALD
Walter, pray, who be attired in black?
WALTER
Hold thy tongue, Donald—I speak of men,
Not eaters of the fig in motley clad
Affirming to ride bareback in reverse.
These men be none of worth, and I’ll have none.
[Enter QUINCE and O’BRIEN]
QUINCE
Thou dunce, thou varlet; whence this day of rest?
To bowl on Sabbath matters not to me
And fools me not; it may deceive the leaguesmen,
But none of woman born fools Joshua.
Thy games of mind are fit for childrens’ spoils,
And laughable; my act is but delayed,
For if I will not have thee Saturday
I’ll surely have my way with thee mid-week.
This Wednesday thou and I a-courting go;
Think well on it!
[Exeunt QUINCE and O’BRIEN]
WALTER
By my life, he cracks.
THE KNAVE
Think not on him till Wednesday, for the game;
Our worries stretch to higher fruit than he.
Look well; the nihilists approach our green
And bring Greek fire to our quiet lot.
My burning car doth hotly scorch the earth!
The weary moon hath shone upon our park
And lit the burnt husk of my fiery car!
[Alarums. Enter OLIVER and the NIHILISTS]
THE KNAVE
It hath finally been done. They made my car to shuffle off the mortal coil.
OLIVER
We want that money, Lebowski, else we be poisonous and kill thy forlorn queen.
THE KNAVE
Ye have not th’accursed girl, ye ninnies! We know ye never had so comely a maid.
DONALD
Be these the tyrants, Sir Walter?
WALTER
Nay! These nihilists be, and none to fear.
But few of any sort, and none of name.
OLIVER
We would have the money in any case, else we visit much grievous damage upon your
persons.
WALTER
Nay! Thou hast no hostage to avenge:
Thy ransom there is none but we shall pay!
We’ll not obey that know not ransom’s rules,
Ye cabbage-fed foul sons of ugly curs!
FIRST NIHILIST
Verily did his consort give her toe
In hopes of seeking gold a thousandfold.
SECOND NIHLIST
It is not fair; ‘tis foul but never fair!
WALTER
And wherefore ‘fair’, when ye be nihilists?
Wherefore the nihilist weeps and cries for ‘fair’?
Thy dispute is of infants, weeping woes,
Spoke as an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Believing in nothing.
THE KNAVE
Walter, pray be still.
Good nihilist, the money never was;
Yon big Lebowski gave me empty wares,
So take thy quarrel up his lordship’s way.
WALTER
And I request my breeches ere we part!
DONALD
In sooth, I fear they’ll hurt us ere we fly.
WALTER
Not so! They cowards be, and amateurs.
OLIVER
‘Tis well; we’ll take what minor gold ye have
In doublets thine, and all’s well that ends well.
WALTER
Fie on thee! What’s mine is ever mine.
THE KNAVE
Nay, let’s end cheaply; four sixpence I hold.
DONALD
And eighteen further in my saddlebag.
OLIVER
The gold, anon! Or I’ll be set on thee.
WALTER
What’s mine is mine; lay on, nihilist,
And damn’d be he that nine-toed woman kiss’d!
[They fight]
DONALD
Alas, my lord, I cannot fight; for God’s sake, pity my case. I shall never be able to fight a
blow. O Lord, my heart!
OLIVER
[to WALTER]
I firk thee! I firk thee! Verily I firk thee!
WALTER
We bleed on both sides. Have at you now!
OLIVER
I firk thee!
[They fight, and the NIHILISTS die]
WALTER
Ever thus to haters of Jewry!
[DONALD falls]
DONALD
O, I am slain!
THE KNAVE
Hark, hark! Man down! Walter, they shot him thus!
WALTER
No, Knave; no bowstring ever arrow left.
His heart is weak; a heart easily daunted.
Hear, hear how dying Sir Donald doth groan!
DONALD
O, I die, Lebowski;
The potent fervor quite o’er-crows my spirit.
Thou hast my dying voice; the rest is silence.
[He dies]
WALTER
Alas, sweet friend! Now we shall mourn for thee,
O could our mourning ease our misery!
[Exeunt, carrying DONALD]
5.3
[A churchyard. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and a GRAVEDIGGER carrying a spade
and a pickaxe]
GRAVEDIGGER
I greet ye, an ye are the men bereaved,
And mark ye well to escort the remains
Of your late friend to fields Elysian.
Look to the urn; let’s settle now the fee.
WALTER
The urn is well, but we demand it not;
We seek to send the ashes scatter-shot.
GRAVEDIGGER
‘Twas said, but ashes must be given ye
In a receptacle of quality.
‘Tis coroner’s quest law; will it suffice?
For this receptacle be humbly priced.
THE KNAVE
Might men of modest means who need thine urn
Be borrowers of it till our return?
WALTER
Sorrow and grief hath vanquish’d not our powers;
We are not saplings weak in tragic hours.
Come, good Knave; to market we shall send,
A jar we’ll buy to honour fallen friends.
[Exeunt]
5.4
[A cliffside. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER, with a jar of clay]
WALTER
Words, words, words. I’ll speak.
A glooming peace this morning with it brings:
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head.
We come here to have talk of these sad things;
Of Donald, he who in his life bowlèd.
He was a straight and true bowler, and a virtuous man. He was of our sort, a man who
loved the woods free from peril of the envious court. And he loved bowling well. He
knew the pebbles on the hungry beach. And yea, he was a bowler most avid. And a fair
friend, who never can be old. He died as did so many of his generation, ere his time. In
Thy wisdom, Lord, Thou didst take him, as Thou took so many bright flowering young
men, i’ the jungles of the Orient. These young men gave their lives, and Donald too;
Donald who loved to play at ninepins.
And so, Sir Donald, in fairest accordance
With what your wishes last well might have been,
We make commitment of your last remains
To the deep bosom of the ocean buried,
A peaceful progress to the ocean, which
You loved so well. Now cracks a bowler’s heart.
[He scatters the ashes]
Good night, sweet prince,
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.
THE KNAVE
But soft! The sorrow’s wind hath strewn the ash
And cover’d me in that we came to spill.
WALTER
Alack! Blown winds and crackèd cheeks! Raged! Blown!
THE KNAVE
Thou art an ass! A stupefying ass!
WALTER
Apologies.
THE KNAVE
Thou hast ruin’d all again!
Thou makest all a travesty of pain!
WALTER
‘Twas accident! I meant not for the breeze.
THE KNAVE
Thy statement, man! The stuff on jungle war.
What signifies thy foreign conflict here?
What signifies thy deadly-standing speech?
I’ll have no more; thou art a raging fool.
WALTER
I stand before thee tainted with remorse, and beg thy mercy; I am overcome. A pox
upon’t, Knave; let us play at ninepins.
[Exeunt]
5.5
[The tavern near the bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and MISTRESS QUICKLY]
THE KNAVE
I’ll have two ales of oat-brew, hostess fair.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Anon. My fondest wishes for the sport
In tourney celebrated on the morrow.
THE KNAVE
I give thee thanks.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And I thee sadder thoughts,
My heart wept when I heard of Donald’s fall.
THE KNAVE
‘Tis well; sometimes thou exits in pursuit
Of bear, and sometimes he doth pursue thee.
[Enter CHORUS]
But here’s the man of whom I had these words!
I wonder’d if he’d cross my path again.
CHORUS
I dare not miss the semifinal games.
How fares my good and noble friend the Knave?
THE KNAVE
Thou knowest; strikes and gutters, ups and downs.
CHORUS
Marry, be of ease, O gentle Knave;
I know thou wilt.
THE KNAVE
Thou know’st. The Knave abideth.
[Exeunt all but CHORUS]
Epilogue
CHORUS
“The Knave abideth.” I dare speak not for thee, but this maketh me to be of good
comfort; I deem it well that he be out there, the Knave, being of good ease for we sinners.
I hope he proveth well in the tourney.
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this and all is mended,
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.
And all wrapp’d up be this idle theme,
A noble and a pretty story-dream
Made me laugh to overtake the band,
Parts, in sooth; and others less so scann’d.
I did not like to see Sir Donald go,
But then, the fellow wise is like to know
That on the way’s a little Lebowski
Perpetuating human comedy
Down through the generations; westward on,
Across the sands of time—but heed my song;
I ramble again, and so must take my leave,
And hope thou liked my tale of the good Knave.
If we be friends, I’ll catch thee down the trail
And we shall share sarsaparilla ale.
For never was a story of more glee
Than this of Geoffrey and the big Lebowski.
THE END
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Adam Bertocci is an award-winning filmmaker and screenwriter. His films have played
all across America, with stops in Canada, England and Australia. He is a proud graduate
of the film program at Northwestern University, with a minor in English literature.
Two Gentlemen of Lebowski marks his first and probably last entry into the burgeoning
field of Shakespeare / Coen Brothers mashup; his previous splashes in pop culture parody
are based in a galaxy far, far away. Successes include the animated spoof Run Leia Run
starring Will Butler of Arcade Fire, the morbidly complete Web site “The Chopped-Off
Hands of Star Wars” and the indie-hipster dramedy (with lightsabers) Brooklyn Force.
While not poking fun at the work of more talented people, he works as a Final Cut Pro
editor and digital artist for film and video while continuing to create his own short films
and shop around his spec feature screenplays. Those looking to explore his work in those
areas are encouraged to visit his professional portfolio:
www.adambertocci.com
ABOUT THE PLAY
Two Gentlemen of Lebowski is fan fiction and in no way affiliated with the creators of
The Big Lebowski. No ownership is assumed; no infringement is intended.
Groups wishing to perform the work (heaven knows why) are encouraged to familiarize
themselves with the guidelines posted on the play’s Web site.
ABOUT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
William Shakespeare (1564-1616), or His Shakeness, or Shaker, or El Shakerino if
you’re not into the whole brevity thing, was a playwright, poet, actor and urban achiever.
He is widely regarded as the finest writer in the English language and a key contributor to
the development of Western language and philosophy, though, you know, that’s just, like,
your opinion, man.
Two Gentlemen of Lebowski © 2010 Adam Bertocci.
===Recipes===
Watercress, Rocket, Sweet Pear, Walnut and Parmesan Salad
What a pukka combination, simple and classy. Don`t try to make this when you feel like it, make it when you can find perfect pears and watercress, otherwise it will taste naff.
For one person I normally use around half a pear 2 big handfuls of watercress and 2 big handfuls of rocket. If the skins are nice just give them a wash, if not remove with a peeler. Then cut them in half and deseed. It doesn`t really matter how you cut them up. Sometimes in big rough chunks, maybe sliced up or even grated. Then place into the bowl with the watercress and rocket. The pepperiness of the leaves works so well with the sweetness of the pear. Drizzle with a good extra virgin olive oil just to coat, a small squeeze of lemon juice (because the pear juice is slightly acidic but very tasty), and season well with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Toss all this together and serve. Shave over some Parmesan or Pecorino, crumble your nuts over and tuck in. I love this salad with roasted meat or as a starter on its own.
 
 
Baked Jerusalem Artichokes, Breadcrumbs, Thyme and Lemon
Serves 4-6
285ml / ½ pint double cream or créme fraiche
Juice of 1 lemon
2 cloves garlic, peeled and finely chopped
1 good handful of fresh Thyme, leaves picked and chopped
3 handfuls of grated Parmesan cheese
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1kg/2lb 3oz Jerusalem artichokes, peeled and sliced as thick as a pencil
2 good handfuls of fresh breadcrumbs
Olive oil
Preheat your oven to 220°C/425°F/Gas7. In a bowl mix your cream, lemon juice , garlic half the thyme and most of the Parmesan, and season well to taste. Throw in the sliced Jerusalem artichokes. Mix well and place everything in an ovenproof baking dish.
Mix the breadcrumbs with the rest of the thyme and Parmesan and some salt and pepper. Sprinkle all the flavoured breadcrumbs over the artichokes and drizzle with a little olive oil. Bake in the oven for around 30 minutes until the artichokes are tender and the breadcrumbs golden.
 
 
Wok-cooked Fragrant Mussels
Serves 4-6
2kg / 4½ lb best live Mussels
Olive oil
2 cloves of garlic, finely sliced
3 sticks of Lemon grass, outer leaves removed, finely sliced
2 fresh chillies, red, green or both
3 tablespoons finely sliced ginger
2 handfuls of fresh coriander, pounded or finely chopped
1 tablespoons sesame oil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
5 Spring onions
Juice of 3 limes
1 x 400ml tin of coconut milk
Place your mussels with a couple of lugs of olive oil in a large, very hot wok or pot. Shake around and add the rest of the ingredients, apart from the lime juice and coconut milk. Keep turning over until all the mussels have opened - throw away any that remain closed. Squeeze in your lime juice and add your coconut milk. Bring to the boil and serve immediately.
 
 
Créme Brûlée - The Way I like It
Serves 6
300g / 11oz fresh rhubarb
3 tablespoons caster sugar
2 vanilla pods
300ml / 11fl oz double cream
200ml / 7fl oz full fat milk
8 egg yolks
80g / 2 ¾ oz sugar
Preheat the oven to 140°C/275°F/Gas 1. Roughly slice up the rhubarb and place it in a pan with the caster sugar and 5 tablespoons of water. Simmer until tender, divide between 6 small serving dishes which your brûlée will be cooked in, then set aside.
Score the vanilla pods lengthwise and run the knife up the pod to remove the vanilla seeds. Scrape these into the pan with the pods, cream and milk and slowly bring to the boil. Meanwhile beat together the yolks and the sugar in a bowl until light and fluffy. When the cream and milk are just boiling , remove the vanilla pods and add little by little to the egg mixture, whisking continuously. I like to remove any bubbles or froth from the mixture before dividing it into the serving dishes, on top of the rhubarb. Stand these in an appropriately sized roasting tray filled with water half way up the containers, and bake in the pre-heated oven for around 25 minutes until the custard mixture has set but is still slightly wobbly in the centre.
Allow to cool to room temperature then place in the fridge until ready to serve. Sprinkle with sugar and caramelize under a very hot grill or using a kitchen blowtorch. Lovely.
 
 
Stir-Fried Chinese Greens with Ginger, Oyster and Soy Sauce
 
For this dish I use any mixture of good Chinese greens I can get my hands on. It's tasty and very quick to make.
11 - 14 ounces mixed Chinese greens--bok choy, Chinese broccoli (gai larn), baby spinach
3 tablespoons walnut oil
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1/2 tablespoon thinly sliced ginger
4 scallions, finely shredded
2 tablespoons oyster sauce
1 tablespoon soy sauce
2 pinches of sugar
juice of 1 lime
salt and freshly ground black pepper
Remove any blemished outside stalks from the greens. Put the spinach to one side so that you can add it to the wok or pan at the last minute, as it cooks very quickly. Prepare the rest of the Chinese greens; i normally cut the Chinese broccoli into strips and the bok choy into quarters. Plunge the greens into boiling water for about 1 1/2 minutes until just tender, and drain well.
Put the oil and the ginger into a very large, hot wok or other suitable pan and cook for about 30 seconds. Add the scallions and the rest of the ingredients apart from the seasoning. Stir, then add the spinach and toss so that everything is coated in sauce. The vegetables will sizzle and stir-fry. The oyster and soy sauce will reduce, just coating the greens. At this point season to taste. Stir-fry for a further minute and serve immediately.
Yield: Serves 4-6
Oliver’s Twist
 
 
Cellophane Noodle Salad
 
4 ounces (100 grams) cellophane noodles
A good glug olive oil
8 ounces (200 grams) minced pork
A large pinch five-spice
3 cloves garlic, crushed
2 teaspoon sugar
A handful prawns or shrimp, any size you like, peeled and deveined
Handful plain and skinned peanuts, roughly crushed
 
1 bunch spring onions, finely sliced
1 bunch coriander, chopped
1 bunch mint, chopped
2 thumbs fresh ginger, grated
2 red chiles, finely sliced with seeds
2 limes, juiced
1 tablespoon soy sauce
Olive oil
Soak the noodles in boiling water and drain.
Heat the oil in a pan, and cooking in batches, lightly brown the pork with the five-spice powder. Add the garlic, sugar, prawns, and peanuts. Mix the rest of the ingredients for the dressing. Add the drained noodles and the meat with the prawns and season with a little extra soy and a drizzle of olive oil.
Yield: 2 to 4 servings
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Mango Lassi
 
This Indian drink is like a mango milkshake and is delicious.
9 fluid ounces (255 millilitres) plain yoghurt
4 1/2 fluid ounces (130 millilitres) milk
4 1/2 fluid ounces (130 millilitres) canned mango pulp or 7 ounces (200 grams) from 3 fresh mango, stoned and sliced
4 teaspoons sugar, to taste, or feel free to try salt and cardamom seeds
Put all the ingredients into a blender and blend for 2 minutes, then pour into individual glasses, and serve. Feel free to try salt and cardamom seeds. The lassi can be kept refrigerated for up to 24 hours
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time:
Difficulty: Easy
 
 
Monkfish Wrapped in Banana leaves with Ginger, Cilantro, Chile, and Coconut Milk
 
You just can't go wrong with this combination of flavors. It's open to all white-fleshed fish. Banana leaves are very easy to buy from Asian or Latino markets. Get nice big ones to wrap your fish up in. Failing banana leaves, you can use vine leaves, which you can get in the supermarkets, somewhat smaller, but no less tasty for that. If you really can't get hold of any leaves then kitchen foil will do.
4 large banana leaves or vine leaves
A little olive oil
2 fresh red chiles
2 sticks lemon grass, outer leaves removed, centers finely chopped
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
2 good handfuls fresh cilantro, roughly chopped
2 limes, juiced and zested
1 (400 milliliter) can coconut milk
2 tablespoons sesame seed oil
A drizzle fish sauce
1 tablespoon soy sauce
2 heaped tablespoons finely sliced fresh ginger
4 (6 to 8 ounce /170 to 225 gram) pieces monkfish (can use other more abundant white-fleshed fish, such as Pacific mahi mahi, farmed striped bass, or farmed catfish)
4 rosemary sprigs or bay leaf sticks, to secure
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C/gas 8). 
To make the banana leaves more pliable, hold for a few seconds over a gas flame. Leaving aside the fish and herb sticks, pound the rest of the ingredients in a pestle and mortar to make a thick paste and spoon a little onto each banana leaf. Place the fish on top and then spoon the rest of the paste on the top. Bringing the sides in and spiking it with a rosemary sprig or bay leaf stick to secure it. This will look lovely and it is natural, but I have been known to use a clothes peg or string to hold it all together. It won't be a perfect seal but this allows it to breath and steam, letting the flavours infuse, so gutsy and tasty. Put the parcels on a tray and bake for 15 minutes, then remove from the oven, and allow to rest for 5 minutes. 
I serve the individual parcels on plates at the table and let my friends dissect them. When opened, the fragrant steam wafts up and smells fantastic. Serve with plain boiled rice to mop up the juices, that's all it has to be. End of story, done, lovely.
Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Individual Quick English Trifle
 
4 1/2 ounces (135 grams) raspberry gelatine
8 (1-centimeter) slices ready made sponge or Madeira cake
A good glug sweet Sherry
15 ounces (425 millilitres) ready made custard
6 ounces (175 grams) tinned mandarins
A few drops vanilla extract
1/2 pint (275 millilitres) double cream (heavy cream), lightly whipped
A small block good quality chocolate
Make the gelatine by following the instructions on the side of the packet. Pour into a dish and leave. Once the gelatine is set, roughly chop.
Put 2 pieces of cake into the bottom of each glass. Drizzle with the sherry and pour half of the custard over the cake and sherry. Spoon the gelatine over the custard, and then add the mandarins. Cover with the rest of the custard, drizzle with a little vanilla, and cover with the whipped cream. Scrape the chocolate with a sharp knife for shavings to top the lot.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours
Cook Time: 3 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Pecan Vanilla Ice Cream with Maple Syrup
 
2 tablespoons confectioners' sugar
2 handfuls pecan nuts
1 quart good quality vanilla ice cream
Maple syrup
Heat the oven to 350 degrees F (80 degrees C /Gas 4). Mix the icing sugar with the pecans on a baking tray and sprinkle with a little water to make a thick-ish paste.
Bake in the oven for a few minutes or until toasted and caramelized. Scoop out the ice cream into 4 glasses or bowls and sprinkle over the whole pecans then drizzle with a good glug of maple syrup.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 3 minutes
Cook Time: 4 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Spaghetti with Wild Mushrooms
 
9 to 11 ounces (250 to 300 grams) wild mixed mushrooms (I would probably buy around 14 ounces (400 grams) mushrooms, as you have to trim a bit off)
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 clove garlic, finely chopped
1 to 2 small dried red chiles, pounded or very finely chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/2 lemon, juiced
1 pound (455 grams) dried spaghetti
A small handful grated Parmesan
1 handful fresh parsley, roughly chopped
2 ounces (55 grams) unsalted butter
Brush off any dirt from the mushrooms with a pastry brush or a tea towel. Slice the mushrooms thinly, but tear any larger mushrooms, like girolles, chanterelles. and blewits in half. Put the olive oil in a very hot frying pan, and add the mushrooms. Let them fry fast, tossing once or twice, then add the garlic and chile with a pinch of salt (it is very important to season mushrooms slightly, as it really brings out the flavor). Continue to fry fast for 4 to 5 minutes, tossing regularly. Then turn the heat off and squeeze in the lemon juice. Toss and season, to taste.
Meanwhile, cook the pasta in boiling, salted water until al dente. Drain and add to the mushrooms, with the Parmesan, parsley, and butter. Toss gently, coating the pasta with the mushrooms and their flavor. Serve, scraping out all of the last bits of mushroom from the pan, and sprinkle with a little extra parsley and Parmesan.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Mushroom Sarnie
 
8 ounces (250 grams) butter, softened
4 sun-dried tomatoes, chopped
1 red chile, finely chopped
Garlic, finely chopped
A few sprigs fresh thyme leaves
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 large white mushrooms
1/2 loaf sourdough bread
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
1 bunch watercress, picked and washed
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C/Gas 6).
Mix the butter with the sun-dried tomatoes, chile, garlic, and thyme leaves. Season and spoon over each mushroom. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, or until soft.
Cut the sourdough into 8 slices and spread with the Dijon mustard. Lay the watercress over the mustard and top with the baked mushrooms. Cover with the other half of bread, press down firmly, and cut.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Eas
 
Warm Rocket Salad
 
Warm salads can be blooming amazing or a complete disaster. First, you have got to get your hungry guests around the table before you plate up, so as soon as their bums are on the chairs, you are tossing the warm ingredients in with the rocket leaves. Boom, boom, boom on a plate and it's in front of them.
2 medium red onions
8 whole rashers (slices) pancetta or smoked streaky bacon
Olive oil
4 sprigs thyme
A good handful pine nuts
4 big handfuls rocket (arugula)
Balsamic vinegar
A piece of Parmesan, for shaving
Peel, halve, and quarter the onions then quarter again, to give you 8 pieces from each onion. Heat a frying pan and fry off the rashers of pancetta until crisp. Add a couple of lugs of olive oil to the pan, and add the sprigs of thyme, the onions, and pine nuts with a pinch of salt. Toss around and fry on a medium heat for about 5 minutes until caramelized and sweet (not black!).
Then, throw everything into a salad bowl with the rocket or any nice salad leaves. Drizzle generously with balsamic vinegar, this will make a natural dressing as it mixes with the olive oil. Serve with some shaved Parmesan over the top, you can use a potato peeler to do this. Munch away.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Spaghetti Puttanesca
 
1 pound (455 grams) dried spaghetti, the best you can get
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 handful capers, soaked in water and drained
2 handfuls big black olives, pitted
12 anchovy fillets, roughly chopped
3 small dried red chiles, crumbled
1 tablespoon dried oregano
Extra-virgin olive oil
2 (14 ounce/400gram) cans tomatoes, drained and chopped
1 good handful fresh basil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Cook the spaghetti in salted, boiling water until al dente. Meanwhile fry the garlic, capers, olives, anchovies, chiles, and oregano in a little olive oil for a few minutes. Add the tomatoes, bring to a simmer, and continue to cook for 4 or 5 minutes, until you have a lovely tomato sauce consistency. Remove from the heat, plunge the drained spaghetti into it, toss it over, and cover with the sauce. Rip all the basil over it, correct the seasoning, and drizzle with good extra-virgin olive oil.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Fruit Cobbler
 
This is a fantastic American recipe equivalent to our crumble. Particularly good with strawberries and rhubarb, but you can use any fruit combo you like; about 680g/1 1/2 pounds of fruit should do it.
For the fruit:
2 apricots, stoned and sliced
1 pear, cored and thickly sliced
1 pint blackberries
1 pint blueberries
1 pint raspberries
1 stick rhubarb
5 tablespoons sugar
A good glug balsamic vinegar
 
For the topping:
4 ounces butter, chilled
8 ounces (225 grams) self-rising flour
2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) sugar
A large pinch salt
4 1/2 fluid ounces (130 millilitres) buttermilk
A little sugar, for dusting
 
Vanilla ice cream, as an accompaniment
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C/gas 5). Put the fruit into a pan with the sugar and the balsamic vinegar. Put the pan over the heat, and cook gently, until the juices begin to run from the berries. Pour into an ovenproof dish.
Meanwhile make the topping. Rub the cold butter into the flour until the mixture resembles fine bread crumbs. Add the sugar and salt, stir well, and then add the buttermilk to form a loose, scone-type mixture. Roll balls of the dough and place randomly over the hot fruit. Sprinkle with a little sugar, and bake in the oven for 30 minutes until golden brown. Serve with vanilla ice cream.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Pot-roasted Pork in White Wine with Garlic, Fennel, and Rosemary
 
This pork recipe takes me about 5 minutes to prepare and get in the oven, so it's nice and quick as well as being unbelievably light, fresh and tasty. Also, pot-roasting the pork as opposed to straight roasting gives you a lovely natural sauce made with the meat juices and the wine
1 (3 pound/1.5 kilogram) pork loin, off the bone and skin removed
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon fennel seeds
2 to 3 large knobs butter
Olive oil
8 cloves garlic, skin left on
1 handful fresh rosemary, leaves picked
4 bay leaves
1 fennel bulb, sliced
1/2 (750 ml) bottle Chardonnay
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C).
With 2 or 3 bits of string, tie up your pork loin, do this any way you like. It doesn't have to be fussy, you just want to keep the meat in a snug shape while it's cooking. Season generously with salt and pepper, then roll the meat in the fennel seeds until covered.
In a casserole pan or roasting tray, fry the meat for a couple of minutes in half the butter and a little olive oil, until nice and golden.
Throw in the garlic, herbs, fennel, and wine, then cover the tray loosely with some wet greaseproof paper and cook until an inserted meat thermometer reaches 150 degrees F. As the pork loin is off the bone it cooks very quickly. Remove from the oven and allow the meat to rest on a plate. Then, without using any more heat, finish off your sauce in the pan, scraping any goodness off the bottom and adding the rest of the butter. Remove any large bits.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 15 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Salad of Marinated Charred Squid with Cannellini beans, Rocket, and Chile
 
2 pounds 3 ounces (1 kilogram) squid, trimmed and gutted
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 (14-ounce or 400 gram) tin of cannellini beans, or use 6 ounces (17 grams) dried ones, soaked and cooked until tender
1 to 2 fresh red chiles, sliced
2 good handfuls rocket (arugula)
2 to 3 tablespoons lemon juice
4 tablespoons olive oil
Extra-virgin olive oil
Try to get your fishmonger to skin and gut the squid for you. Score the squid lightly in a casual criss-cross fashion. Set it aside while you get a griddle pan very, very hot. You can also use a wok or the barbecue.
Season the squid lightly with salt and pepper just before cooking, then add it to the pan. After a minute, it should be nicely charred, so turn it over and cook for a further minute. Remove the squid from the pan and set aside.
Heat up the cannellini beans and sprinkle them into a bowl. Add the sliced chiles to the bowl with the rocket, lemon juice, and olive oil, and season. Cut the squid at irregular angles and toss it in with the rest of the ingredients. A good drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil over the top will finish it off nicely.
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Panettone Bread and Butter Pudding
 
1 pint (575 millilitres) milk (don't use 2 percent, 1 percent, or skim)
1 pint (575 millilitres) double cream (heavy cream)
1 vanilla pod
4 medium eggs
6 ounces (170 grams) caster sugar (superfine sugar)
Panettone, cut into thick slices and buttered
1 orange, zested
3 tablespoons Cognac
A little icing sugar
To start the custard base, bring the milk and cream just to a boil in a saucepan. Cut the vanilla pod in half, scrape out the seeds and add to the pan with the zest. Whisk the eggs with the sugar until pale. Add the milk and cream and remove the vanilla.
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (160 degrees C/Gas 3).
Dip each slice of panettone into the custard and pile into a buttered baking dish. Pour the remaining custard slowly over the bread, place the dish in a roasting pan and fill halfway with hot water. Sprinkle with the icing sugar and bake for about 45 minutes. When cooked, it will have a slight crust on top, but will still be slightly wobbly inside.
Yield: 8 to 12 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 45 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Proper Polenta
 
1 1iter (34 ounces or a little more than a quart) water
8 ounces (250 grams) instant polenta
8 ounces (2 sticks) butter
2 handfuls grated Parmesan
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Bring the water to boil in a large pan. Slowly stream in the polenta, whisking continuously. Once it's mixed, continue to stir over the heat for 15 to 20 minutes. Stir in the butter and Parmesan. You can add a little more water to make it the right consistency. Season and serve straight away
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
 
Chicken in Milk
 
A slightly odd, but really fantastic combination, which must be tried
1 (3 pound/ 1.5 kilogram) organic chicken
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 ounces (115 grams) or 1 stick butter
1/2 cinnamon stick
1 good handful fresh sage, leaves picked
2 lemons, zested
6 garlic cloves, skin left on
1 pint (565 millilitres) milk
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C/gas 5), and find a snug-fitting pot for the chicken. Season it generously all over with salt and pepper, and fry it in the butter, turning the chicken to get an even color all over, until golden. Remove from the heat, put the chicken on a plate, and throw away the butter left in the pot. This will leave you with tasty sticky goodness at the bottom of the pan, which will give you a lovely caramel flavor later on.
Put your chicken back in the pot with the rest of the ingredients, and cook in the preheated oven for 1 1/2 hours. Baste with the cooking juice when you remember. The lemon zest will sort of split the milk, making a sauce, which is absolutely fantastic.
To serve, pull the meat off the bones and divide it on to your plates. Spoon over plenty of juice and the little curds. Serve with wilted spinach or greens and some mashed potato.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 40 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Calzone
 
My London 'father', Gennaro Contaldo, makes these to use up all his leftover antipasti. They're great, a complete snack.
Basic Bread Recipe:
Just over 2 pounds (1 kilogram) strong bread flour
Just over 1 pint (625 millilitres) tepid water
1 ounce (30 grams) fresh yeast or 3 (1/4 ounce/7 gram) sachets dried yeast
2 tablespoons sugar
Sea salt
Extra flour, for dusting
 
Filling
2 courgettes (zucchini), sliced and char-grilled
2 artichoke hearts, char-grilled and sliced
A handful black olives
A handful sun-dried tomatoes
A couple slices Parma ham
A bunch basil, leaves ripped
A drizzle olive oil
A drizzle herb vinegar
1 ball mozzarella, ripped
A handful Parmesan shavings
A couple fresh plum tomatoes
2 ounces Montgomery cheddar
A good drizzle extra-virgin olive oil
Freshly ground black pepper
Maldon sea salt
For the bread:
Stage 1: Making a Well Pile the flour on to a clean surface and make a large well in the centre. Pour half the water into the well, then add your yeast, sugar and salt and stir with a fork.
Stage 2: Getting It Together Slowly, but confidently, bring in the flour from the inside of the well. (You do not want to break the walls of the well, or the water will go everywhere). Continue to bring the flour into the centre until you get a stodgy, porridge-y consistency, then add the remaining water. Continue to mix until it's stodgy again, then you can be more aggressive, bringing in all the flour, making the mix less sticky. Flour your hands and pat and push the dough together with all the remaining flour. (Certain flours need a little more or less water, so feel free to adjust).
Stage 3: Kneading! This is where you get stuck in. With a bit of elbow grease, simply push, fold, slap, and roll the dough around, over and over, for 4 or 5 minutes until you have a silky and elastic dough.
Stage 4: First Proof Flour the top of your dough. Put it in a bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and allow it to proof in a warm, moist, draught-free place until doubled in size, about half an hour. This proof will improve the flavor and texture of your dough, and it's always exciting to know that the old yeast has kicked into action.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C/gas 4).
Chop and mix all the ingredients for the filling and season well.
Divide the dough into 8 pieces. Roll into balls, using flour for dusting. Then roll into little frisbee shapes just over 1/4-inch (0.5 centimetre) thick. Place a good spoonful of your filling into the middle of each, brush the edges with a little water, then fold the rounds in half, pushing their edges to seal. Some people prefer to use a fork to do this but I just pinch them with my fingers. Dust with flour, do the same with all the others and move to a flour-dusted baking tray. Allow to sit for 5 minutes, then score the top of the bread to allow your filling to bubble over when cooking. Bake in your preheated oven for 20 minutes, until golden and scrumptious-looking, and allow to cool. Always good for picnics or as portable food.
Yield: 8 calzones
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Squashed Cherry Tomato and Smashed Olive Bruscetta
 
What you are just about to do makes complete sense in cooking. Tomatoes need salt, olives are preserved in salt, you've squeezed the juice out of the tomatoes, which in return draws the salt and the smoky flavour out of the olives. This makes the olives very edible and the tomatoes damn tasty. Rip in as much basil as you can afford and even a handful of rocket (arugula) if you have some. Lovely. P.S. If you have any leftovers then toss them in with some hot spaghetti.
2 handfuls cherry tomatoes
1 handful black olives
4 to 5 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon dried oregano
A drizzle herb vinegar
1 dried chile
A handful fresh basil
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/2 ciabatta or other rustic bread, cut into thick slices
1/2 clove garlic
4 boccacini
Parmesan, for shaving
This is probably the quickest salad or bruschetta I make, but no less tasty for that. Very few ingredients, simple flavours, complete sense. Try to make use of the wider range of cherry tomatoes available now: yellow, tige, and plum cherry tomatoes for instance. And, as I always say, it's much better, taste-wise, to buy olives with their stones still in than without. Trust me.
Simply squash your tomatoes into a bowl. I always have to put one hand over the tomatoes as I do this as juice and pips go everywhere (generally on me). You can be as rough with the tomatoes as you like, as the salad looks much better rough and rustic than perfect and pretty. Then, gently smash the olives on a board with a hard object, like a cup or a rolling-pin. Remove the stones, throw the olives in with the tomatoes, and toss together. Add a few glugs of oil, the oregano, a drizzle of vinegar, crumbled chile, and rip in the basil. Season, to taste, and that's your salad.
Griddle or toast the slices of bread and rub with the garlic clove, pile on the tomatoes, and rip the mozzarella and lay over the top drizzle with a little bit more oil and finish with shaves of Parmesan.
Yield: about 6 to 8 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 4 minutes Difficulty: Easy
 
My Mums Spottier Dick
 
This is a proper 'blokes' pudding ? loads of custard, a little warmed syrup over the top, and even some cream. Superb!
4 ounces (115 grams) suet
4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) dried apricots, chopped
8 ounces (240 grams) raisins or sultanas
1 orange, zested
4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) plain flour
4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) sugar
4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) bread crumbs
2 tablespoons grated ginger (or to taste)
Pinch grated nutmeg
Pinch salt
1 egg, beaten
1 pint (140 millilitres) milk
Grease a 3-pint (1 liter) pudding basin. Mix all the ingredients together, except the egg and milk. Add the beaten egg and milk and mix well. (I do this in a mixer but you can do it by hand, no problem).
Put the mixture in the basin, cover with tin foil or a cloth, and put the basin in a pan with water half-way up the sides of the basin. Bring the water to a boil, put on a tight-fitting lid, and simmer for 3 hours, remembering to top up with (add more) boiling water now and then.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 3 hours
Difficulty: Easy
 
Minty Mushy Peas
 
This is a fantastic recipe that is so quick and so simple and uses our reliable friends the frozen peas, which work really well here. Great with fish, meat, or even as a vegetarian dish with a big dollop of butter on top.
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 bunch spring onions, chopped
1 handful fresh mint, leaves picked
1 pound (500 grams) frozen peas
2 large knobs butter
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Heat the oil in a pan and add the chopped onions, mint, and peas. Cover and leave for a few minutes to steam. Mash with a potato masher. You can do this with a food processor as well, just pulse it until smooth. Whether mashing or pulsing, when it's done add the butter and season very carefully, to taste.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Fish and Chips
 
For the chips:
3 3/4 pints (2 litres) vegetable oil
2 pounds (950 grams) floury potatoes, like russets, peeled and cut into large chips
 
For the batter:
1 cup plain flour
1 cup beer
2 egg whites, whipped to soft peaks
Salt
 
4 (9 ounce/250 gram) fillets haddock or cod, skin on, and pin boned
Pour all the vegetable oil into a deep pan or deep fat fryer, and heat to 300 degrees F (160 degrees C.) Blanch the cut potatoes in the oil until soft, but not coloured, about 4 minutes. Remove and drain.
Mix together the flour and the beer, and then fold in the egg whites. Turn up the heat of the oil to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C). Dip the fish in the batter and fry for a few minutes with the chips until golden brown.
Drain on kitchen paper and serve with bread and butter, wally's (battered, deep fried pickles served with ranch dressing), and pickled eggs.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 8 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Basil and Lime Sorbet
 
1 wineglass water (about 5 ounces)
1 wineglass sugar (equal in weight to the water)
5 to 6 limes, zested
1 glass lime juice
1 very large bunch basil, pounded to a puree
Place the water and sugar in a pan, bring to a boil, and simmer for 4 minutes with the lime zest. Remove from the heat, and allow to cool for a while. Add the lime juice and basil puree. Stir this up and leave to infuse for a while. Pass it through a coarse sieve and pour into a plastic tub or earthenware dish and place in the freezer. Generally, sorbet takes 2 hours to set. Try to stir it around every 30 minutes, if you remember. Serve it in a glass on its own.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 3 hours
Cook Time: 5 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Tagliatelle with Saffron, Seafood, and Cream
 
A good pinch saffron
1 glass white wine
Olive oil
1 large garlic clove, finely chopped
1 pound dried tagliatelle
1 1/2 pounds (680 grams) mixed seafood (red mullet, scallops, clams, debearded mussels, squid)
1/2 pint double cream (heavy cream)
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
A bunch flat parsley, chopped
Soak the saffron in the white wine. Add a little oil and the garlic to a frying pan, and cook until softened. Add the clams and mussels, shake the pan around, and add the white wine and saffron mixture. Bring to a boil and cook until the shellfish opens, discard any shellfish that remain closed.
Then, lay the rest of the seafood, parsley, and the cream on top. Simmer for 3 to 4 minutes and season to taste. Cook the tagliatelle in salted, boiling water until al dente. Drain and add to the fish, serve scattered with some of the leftover parsley and an extra drizzle of olive oil.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Seared Carpaccio of Beef with roasted Baby Beets, Creamed Horseradish, Watercress and Parmesan
 
The reason I like to make this dish is because, apart from being really quick and simple, it's a sociable feast where everyone can tuck in and help themselves. I love all that. I always serve this on a large plate in the middle of the table, with crusty bread and a glass of wine. Any leftovers are even more gorgeous the next day in a nice firm bap.
1 1/2 pounds (680 grams) baby beetroots
Olive oil
Approximately 10 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
 
1 handful fresh rosemary, finely chopped
3 1/2 pound (1.5 kilogram) fillet of beef
 
3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) freshly grated or creamed horseradish
7 ounces (200 grams) creme fraiche
1 lemon, juiced, or white wine vinegar
3 good handfuls watercress
3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) shaved Parmesan
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C/gas 8).
Wash and scrub the beets, trim the ends, and toss into a large piece of foil with a little oil, balsamic vinegar, and seasoning. Wrap and roast until tender. Cooking time depends on size.
Mix the rosemary salt and pepper on a board. Roll and press the fillet of beef over this, making sure all sticks to the meat. In a very hot, ridged pan, or on a barbecue, sear the meat until brown and slightly crisp on all sides, around 5 minutes. Remove from the pan. Allow it to rest for 5 minutes, then slice it all up as thinly as you can. Lay the slices on a large plate.
After preparing the beef, sprinkle the roasted beetroots randomly (whole, halved or quartered, depending on size) over the sliced meat. Now mix the horseradish and creme fraiche together. It has to be seasoned well, usually needing a little white wine vinegar or lemon juice. Dribble this over the beetroots. Dress some watercress with olive oil and lemon juice. Then scatter this, along with some small slivers of shaved Parmesan, all over the plate and get ready to tuck in!
Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes Difficulty: Medium
 
Portuguese Chocolate Tarts
 
5 ounce (150 gram) slab puff pastry
1 egg yolk
2 tablespoons caster sugar (superfine sugar)
Pinch allspice
A couple pinches cinnamon
1 orange, zested
 
For the filling:
5 1/2 fluid ounces (160 millilitres) double cream (heavy cream)
2 level tablespoons caster sugar
The smallest pinch salt
1/2 stick butter, softened
1/2 pound best-quality baking chocolate, broken up
1 1/2 fluid ounces (50 millilitres) milk
Cocoa powder, for dusting
Dust a surface with flour and roll out your pastry to a bit bigger than an 8 1/2-by-11-inch sheet of paper. Brush with the egg yolk and scatter the rest of the ingredients over, being subtle with the allspice and cinnamon. Roll the pastry up tightly like a Swiss roll to make a long sausage shape. With a knife, cut across the sausage into 1-inch (2 1/2-centimeter) pieces. Take 8 pieces aside, and freeze the rest of the pastry for a rainy day.
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C/gas 6).
Turn all the pieces of pastry swirl-side up and flatten them slightly. Dust the surface of your pastry with flour, then roll each piece out into a thin circle (around the size of a teacup saucer). Even I don't have proper pastry molds at home, so I just grease and flour the outsides of 8 of my glass tumblers. Then, I place a circle of pastry on top of each tumbler, pleating, pinching and hugging the pastry around them.
Place the tumblers on a baking tray, pastry at the top, and put in the preheated oven until crisp and golden, around 15 minutes. Remove from the oven and, while still hot, take a tea towel and pat the slightly raised top of the pastry back down on to the flat bottom of the tumbler ? giving you a flat base again. Allow to cool, and carefully remove the pastry cases from around the tumblers.
Fill your pastry cases with the chocolate filling: Place the double cream, sugar, and pinch of salt in a pan and bring to the boil. As soon as the mixture has boiled, remove from the heat, and add the butter and chocolate. Stir until it has completely melted. Allow the mixture to cool slightly, stirring in the cold milk until smooth and shiny. Sometimes this mixture looks like it has split. Allow the mixture to cool down a bit more, and whisk in a little extra cold milk until smooth. Scrape all the mixture into the cooked pastry shells. Shake to even it out and allow to cool for around 1 to 2 hours, until it is at room temperature. Dust with the cocoa powder. Ultimately the pastry should be short and crisp and the filling should be smooth and should cut like butter.
Yield: around 8 pastry cases
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Roasted Sweet Garlic and Thyme Risotto with Toasted Almonds and Breadcrumbs
 
Don't be scared by this one, the garlic is not overpowering, it's extremely subtle and delicate combination.
2 large heads garlic, whole and unpeeled
Approximately 1 quart (1.1 litres) chicken stock
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 shallots or 2 medium onions, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1/2 head celery, finely chopped
14 ounces (400 grams) risotto rice
2 wine glasses dry white vermouth or dry white wine
Sea salt
1 good handful fresh thyme, leaves picked
Freshly ground black pepper
2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) butter
4 ounces (115 grams) freshly grated Parmesan
51/2 ounces (155 grams) shelled and peeled almonds, lightly crushed, cracked or chopped
2 handfuls coarse fresh bread crumbs
Olive oil
For the basic risotto: Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C). Roast the whole garlic heads on a dish in the oven until soft, about 30 minutes.
Stage 1: Heat the stock. In a separate pan heat the olive oil, add the shallots or onions, garlic, and celery, and fry slowly for about 4 minutes. When the vegetables have softened, add the rice and turn up the heat.
Stage 2: The rice will now begin to fry, so keep stirring it. After a minute it will look slightly translucent. Add the vermouth or wine and keep stirring, it will smell fantastic. Any harsh alcohol flavours will evaporate and leave the rice with a tasty essence.
Stage 3: Once the vermouth or wine has cooked into the rice, add your first ladle of hot stock and a good pinch of salt. Separate the roasted garlic cloves and squeeze out the sweet insides into the risotto. Add the thyme and black pepper to the risotto. Turn down the heat to a highish simmer, so the rice doesn't cook too quickly on the outside. Keep adding ladles of stock.
Stage 4: Remove from the heat and add the butter and Parmesan. Stir gently. Place a lid on the pan and allow to sit for 2 to 3 minutes. This is the most important part of making the risotto, as this is when it becomes outrageously creamy and oozy like it should be. Eat as soon as possible while the risotto retains its perfect texture. In a frying pan toast the almonds and bread crumbs in a little olive oil until crisp and golden. Season with a little salt. Set to one side. Serve the risotto with the toasted almonds and bread crumbs sprinkled over the top. Lovely.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 50 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Beef with Soy Sauce and Ginger
 
2 (8 ounce/ 225 gram) sirloin steaks
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 pak choy or bok choy (even spinach or any other greens will do)
8 tablespoons soy sauce
1 thumb-sized piece of ginger, peeled
1 chilli, deseeded and finely chopped
1/2 a garlic clove, finely grated
1 lime, juiced
Olive oil
On a very hot griddle pan, cook your seasoned piece of sirloin steak until medium or to your liking. Place in a plate and allow to rest for 2 minutes.
Now cook your greens in salted boiling water until tender.
While hot, douse with a good couple of tablespoons of soy sauce, and sprinkle with the garlic, ginger, chilli, lime juice and olive oil.
When the greens are cooked, simply divide onto two plates, thinly slice up the sirloin steaks, place on top of the greens and drizzle with any of the infused sauce left on the resting plate.
 
The Easiest Sexiest Salad in the World
 
6 ripe figs
6 slices prosciuitto or Parma ham
A good handful green or purple basil
6 small balls buffalo mozzarella, torn
 
For the Honey and Lemon Juice Dressing:
1 tablespoon good honey
6 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
3 tablespoons lemon juice
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Cut a criss-cross in the figs, but not quite to the bottom, and then, using your thumb and forefinger, squeeze the base of the fig to reveal the inside.
Place the figs on a large plate and weave around I piece of prosciutto or Palma ham around each fig.
Add the ripped up basil and the buffalo mozzarella.
Drizzle over the honey, making sure each fig has some in the middle, then drizzle the olive oil, lemon juice, and salt and pepper.
Or: Mix all the dressing ingredients together in a bowl and season, to taste, then drizzle everything with the honey and lemon juice dressing.
Yield: 6 servings
 
Margaritas
 
2 shots of tequila
1 shot Cointreau
1 shot freshly squeezed lime juice
Salt and lime wedge, to serve
Put all the ingredients into a shaker. Shake well and serve in a martini glass with a salt rim and a split lime wedge.
 
Salmon with Herbs in Newspaper
 
A copy of The Times (London, New York, Chicago, or LA, your choice)
4 large handfuls fresh mixed herbs (dill, basil, rosemary, flat leaf parsley, and fennel tops)
1 (3 1/2 to 4 pound/ 1.5 kilogram) whole salmon, scaled and gutted
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Olive oil
2 lemons, thinly sliced
6 spring onions, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons fennel seeds, cracked
Open out the paper to the middle page, and scatter half the herbs over it.
Place the salmon in the middle of the paper and season inside and out and rub with olive oil.
Scatter over the lemon slices, spring onions, fennel seeds and remaining herbs, tucking some inside the fish.
Drizzle with a little extra olive oil.
Wrap the paper around the salmon, securing it well with lots of string.
Dampen the paper well under the tap. Place parcel directly on the top shelf of a preheated 425 degrees F (220 degrees C) oven, for 35 minutes, or preferably, cook on the barbecue or on a rack over a camp fire for about 25 minutes on each side.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Brunch Breads
 
Basic Bread Mix:
3 (1/4 ounce/7 gram) sachets dried yeast
2.2 pounds (1 kilogram) bread flour, plus extra flour, for dusting.
Just over 1 pint tepid water (625 millilitres)
2 level tablespoons sea salt
1 ounce (30 grams) sugar
 
Savoury Rolled Bread of Parma Ham, Egg, Cheese, Egg, and Basil:
10 slices Parma ham
8 large organic eggs, boiled for 8 minutes and shelled
14 ounces (400 grams) cheese (a mix of Cheddar, Parmesan, Fontina, mozzarella, or any leftovers that need to be used up), grated
2 handfuls fresh basil
Sun-dried tomatoes
Extra-virgin olive oil
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Chopped fresh rosemary leaves
 
Sweet Rolled Bread of Chocolate, Hazelnut, and Banana:
1 jar chocolate spread
Chopped toasted hazelnuts
2 bananas, sliced
Basic Bread Mix: Mix all the ingredients together and knead into a dough. Cut the dough in half.
Roll one piece of dough out into a long rectangular shape about 1/2 inch (1 centimetre) thick, about 39 1/2 inches (1 meter) long and 12 to 15 inches wide.
Savoury: Along the middle of the first piece of rolled out dough, lay out your Parma ham, eggs, cheese, basil, and tomatoes. Drizzle with olive oil and season with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Pull the dough over the filling so it forms what looks like a cannelloni shape.
Bring one end round to the other so that they join up. Pinch and pat the two ends together firmly to form a doughnut shaped bread. Brush on olive oil and sprinkle the loaf with a little sea salt and rosemary. Transfer to a baking tray dusted with flour and allow to proof for 15 minutes.
Place in a preheated 400 degrees F (200 degrees C) oven until golden, about 35 minutes.
Sweet: On the second piece of the rolled out dough use a palette knife to cover the surface with chocolate spread. Sprinkle some toasted chopped hazelnuts and the sliced banana onto the dough. Roll up into a cannelloni shape and then roll the long snake shape inside itself to form a snail shape. Sprinkle with chopped hazelnuts. Transfer to a baking tray dusted with flour and allow to proof for 15 minutes.
Bake in a preheated 400 degrees F (200 degrees C) for 35 minutes.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings per loaf
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Chicken Breast Baked in a Bag
 
2 (7 ounce/ 200 gram) skinless chicken breasts, scored
1 egg, beaten with 2 tablespoons water
1 handful dried porcini
9 ounces (255 grams) mixed mushrooms (field, oyster, and shiitake), torn up
1 large wineglass white wine
2 medium potatoes, peeled, sliced and cooked
3 large knobs (tablespoons) butter
1 handful fresh thyme
2 cloves garlic, peeled and sliced
Olive oil
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C).
Mix the mushrooms, wine, potatoes, butter, thyme, garlic, olive oil, salt, and pepper together in a bowl; add the chicken.
Using wide aluminium foil, make a bag by folding 1 large (about 3 feet) piece in half. Brush all four edges with egg wash and fold the foil in half again, creating a double thick bag with a closed end. Fold the side edges over twice, creating two sealed edges; and leaving one side open. Place mixture into the aluminium foil bag, including all the liquid, making sure you don't pierce the foil. Close up the final edge, making sure the bag is tightly sealed and secure on all sides, and carefully slide it on to a roasting tray.
Place the tray on a high heat on the burners for 1 minute to get the heat going, then bake in the middle of the preheated oven for 25 minutes
Remove from the oven, place the bag on a big plate, take it to the table and break open the foil.
Yield: 2 servings
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Cook in Curry Sauce
 
5 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 teaspoons mustard seeds
1 teaspoon fenugreek seeds
3 fresh green chiles, seeds removed and thinly sliced
A handful curry leaves, ripped into small pieces
2 thumb-sized pieces ginger
3 onions, peeled and chopped
6 tomatoes, chopped
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon chilli powder
1 or 2 wineglasses water (about 10 ounces)
14 fluid ounces (400 millilitre) can coconut milk
Salt
 
Fish version:
4 (8-ounce/225 gram) haddock fillets, skinned and pin-boned
1 knob (1 tablespoon) tamarind paste or 1 teaspoon tamarind syrup
A very large handful baby spinach, optional
 
Chicken version:
4 chicken breasts, sliced into 1/2-inch (1 centimetre) strips
A few cashew nuts, toasted and crushed
 
Vegetarian version:
1 3/4 pounds (800 grams) mixed vegetables, chopped (potatoes, zucchini, peppers, onions, sweet potatoes, spinach, chard, cauliflower, lentils, beans)
Heat the oil in a pan when hot add the mustard seeds. Wait for them to pop, then add the fenugreek, green chile, curry leaves, and ginger, stir and fry for a few minutes.
Using a food processor, chop the onion, add to pan, and continue to cook. When brown and soft, add the chili powder and turmeric.
Using the same food processor, blend the tomatoes and add to the pan. Cook for a couple of minutes, add 1 or 2 wineglasses of water and the coconut milk. Simmer for about 5 minutes until it has the consistency of thick heavy cream then season carefully with salt. Take this sauce as a base.
To make the fish curry, add the fish and tamarind to the sauce and simmer for about 6 minutes. Feel free to add some baby spinach at the end of the cooking time.
For the chicken version, stir-fry the chicken strips, and cashew nuts until lightly coloured, then add the sauce and simmer for ten minutes.
For the vegetarian version simply add all the vegetables to the sauce at the beginning when you add the onions. Continue to cook as normal and simmer until tender.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Lemon Pickle
 
2 teaspoon mustard seeds
2 tablespoons olive oil
A small handful curry leaves, optional
1 teaspoon urad dhal/skinned and split black lentils, optional
1 teaspoon chili powder
4 tablespoons white wine vinegar
2 medium lemons, washed, deseeded, and chopped
Fry the mustard seeds in the hot oil. As they begin to pop, add the curry leaves and urad dhal. Lower the heat and add the chili powder; cook until brown, then add the vinegar. Stir in the lemon, remove from the heat and leave to cool. Can be stored in the refrigerator for a week.
Yield: 1/2 cup
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Chocolate Mousse with Sesame Snaps
 
8 ounces (200 grams) good quality dark chocolate, bashed up
2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) butter, cut into pieces
12 fluid ounces (350 millilitres) heavy cream
2 large eggs, preferably organic
2 tablespoons Scottish Heather honey
1 tablespoon Scottish whiskey
1 pound (455 grams) caster sugar
8 tablespoons butter
7 ounces (200 gram) sesame seeds
In a bowl over some gently simmering water, slowly melt the chocolate and butter together then remove from the heat.
In a separate bowl, whip the cream to soft peaks.
In a third bowl, whisk the eggs and honey until light and fluffy then fold in the whisky, melted chocolate mixture and cream, gently, so you don't lose too much air. Pour into small chilled 4 or 6 wine glasses or serving dishes and chill for at least an hour before serving.
Put your sugar and 8 tablespoons of water into a pan on medium heat. Use a spoon to stir together, it will become a syrup.
Cook until light golden, then add the sesame seeds and continue to cook until dark golden. Pour out the sesame seed caramel onto an oiled non-stick tray or oiled tin foil.
Use a palette knife to push it out to about 1/2-inch (0.5 centimetres) thick (even thinner if you can).
Allow to cool for about 15 minutes and you will have one big sesame seed caramel biscuit. Bash it up as you like!
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 1 hour
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Huge Yorkshire Puddings
 
1/2 pint (285 millilitres) milk
4 ounces (115 grams) all-purpose flour
Pinch salt
3 eggs
Vegetable oil
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.
Mix the batter ingredients together. Let rest for 10 minutes
Preheat a Yorkshire pudding tray or muffin tin with 1/2-inch (1 centimetre) of oil in each section. After the 10 minutes divide the batter into the tray. Cook for around 15 to 20 minutes until crisp and puffy, don't open the oven door before then or they won't rise.
Yield: 8 to 10 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Best Roast Beef
 
1 (5 1/2-pound) fore-rib, wing-rib or sirloin of beef, French trimmed (2.5 kilograms)
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Olive oil
3 red onions, halved
2 bulbs garlic, plus 4 cloves garlic, peeled
7 pounds (3 kilograms) roasting potatoes, peeled
3 rosemary sprigs
2 thumb-sized pieces ginger, peeled and diced
1/2 bottle robust red wine
 
Yorkshire pudding, recipe follows
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C), and heat a large thick-bottomed roasting tray on the stovetop.
Rub the beef generously with salt, then add a little olive oil to the tray and lightly color the meat for a couple of minutes on all sides.
Lay the onions and bulbs of garlic in the tray with the beef on top of them, then cook in the pre-heated oven for a total of 1 1/2 hours.
While the beef is roasting, parboil your potatoes in salted boiling water for around 10 minutes and drain in a colander. Toss about to chuff them up, this will make them really crispy.
After 30 minutes, take the tray out and toss in your potatoes and rosemary. With a garlic press or grater, squeeze or grate the cloves of garlic and ginger over everything in the tray.
Shake the tray and whack it back in the oven for the final hour. Remove the potatoes to a dish to keep warm, place the beef on a plate, covered with foil, to rest, and get your greens and Yorkshire puddings on.
Remove most of the fat from your roasting tray and you should be left with caramelized onions and sticky beef goodness.
Add 1 teaspoon of flour to the tray and mash everything together. Heat the tray on the stovetop and when hot, add the red wine. Simmer for 5 to 10 minutes, stirring every couple of minutes, until your gravy is really tasty and coats back of a spoon. Add any juice from the beef and feel free to add some water or stock to thin the gravy if you like.
Pour through a coarse sieve and push it through with a spoon, pushing it through with a spoon, and serve in a warmed gravy jug. Serve with Yorkshire puddings.
Huge Yorkshire Puddings:
1/2 pint (285 millilitres) milk
4 ounces (115 grams) all-purpose flour
Pinch salt
3 eggs
Vegetable oil
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F.
Mix the batter ingredients together. Let rest for 10 minutes
Preheat a Yorkshire pudding tray or muffin tin with 1/2-inch (1 centimetre) of oil in each section. After the 10 minutes divide the batter into the tray. Cook for around 15 to 20 minutes until crisp and puffy, don't open the oven door before then or they won't rise.
Yield: 8 to 10 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 2 hours
Difficulty: Easy
 
Seared Salmon with Courgettes, Asparagus, and Rocket
 
4 (6 ounce/170g) salmon fillets, skinned
Extra-virgin olive oil
4 baby courgettes (zucchini), sliced lengthways
4 yellow courgettes (summer squash), roughly chopped (if not available, use green courgettes)
Pinch Maldon sea salt
2 good handfuls thin asparagus
200g (about 7 ounces) rocket (arugula)
2 lemons, halved
 
For the dressing:
Large handful of fresh thyme, leaves picked
Maldon sea salt
4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
1 lemon, juiced
Season the salmon fillets and lightly drizzle them in olive oil. Season the courgettes and asparagus with salt.
Heat a griddle pan (or, ideally, use a barbecue) and, when very hot, sear the salmon and vegetables until nicely char-grilled. This should only take a few minutes on each side.
Meanwhile, make your dressing. In a pestle and mortar, bash the thyme with a pinch of salt until nicely bruised (or you can finely chop the thyme if you don’t own a pestle). Pour in the olive oil and lemon juice and stir.
Remove the salmon and vegetables from the heat. Toss the vegetables with the rocket, drizzle with the dressing and serve with the salmon. Finish off with a bit more dressing drizzled over the salmon. Serve with half a lemon. Lovely.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Pork and Crackling
 
If you have a good butcher, ask him for the rib or rump end of the pork loin ? it’s more evenly sized, making it easier to cook. Ask him to leave the skin on and to score it across with lines about 5mm/1/4 in. apart and then to take it off the bone. Ask him to chop the bones up for you and take them home to use for your gravy.
1/2 pork loin roughly 7 pounds in weight (on the bone), scored 1/4-inch apart, bone removed
Sea salt
1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary
1/2 tablespoon fennel seeds
5 cloves garlic
8 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
4 bay leaves
2 tablespoons olive oil
Pork bones, chopped
5 outer sticks celery, roughly chopped
1 large carrot, roughly chopped
1 large onion, roughly chopped
Lay out your pork on a board and rub some salt and 1 teaspoon chopped rosemary into the scored lines, trying to get this into every bit by pushing and rubbing in. In a pestle and mortar smash up the fennel seeds, then the garlic and remaining chopped rosemary, and rub this into the meat ? not the skin, or it will burn. Place in a large roasting tray with the balsamic vinegar, bay and olive oil. Leave for about 1/2 hour to marinate.
Meanwhile, preheat your oven to its highest temperature and brown the bones. Rub the skin of the pork with lots of sea salt ? this will help puff it up and dry it out. Place the pork directly on the bars at the top of the oven. Finally add the browned bones and vegetables to the leftover balsamic marinade, add 570ml, 1 pint water and put into the oven directly under the pork. As the pork cooks all the goodness drips from it into the tray. This liquid will then become your gravy. You also get quite charred bar marks on the base of the pork.
The pork will take about 1 hour to cook. After 20 minutes turn the temperature down to 220C/425F/Gas 7. Once the pork is cooked, remove it from the oven on the rack and place on a piece of foil to save any juices. Allow to rest for at least 10 minutes. Finish off any vegetables that you are going to serve with it and make a gravy out of the juices in the tray which was underneath the pork.
Put the bones, the liquid and the vegetables into a large pan. Add some water to the tray that contained the bones and vegetables, as there will be some Marmite-like, sticky stuff on the bottom to the tray which is very tasty. Reboil the water, scrape off all the goodness from the bottom of the tray and then pour everything into the pan. Bring to the boil, shaking occasionally, remove any oil, grease or scum from the top, then pass the contents through a sieve, discarding all the vegetables and bones. You can reduce and then correct the seasoning, to taste.
Yield: 8 servings
 
Baked Jerusalem Artichokes with Bread Crumbs, Thyme and Lemon
 
1/2 pint creme fraiche or double cream
1 lemon, juiced
2 cloves garlic, peeled and finely chopped
1 good handful fresh thyme, picked and chopped
1 to 2 handfuls grated Parmesan cheese
3 handfuls Jerusalem artichokes, peeled and sliced as thick as a pencil
2 good handfuls stale bread crumbs
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Olive oil
Preheat your oven to 230C/450F.Gas 8. In a bowl mix together your creme fraiche, lemon juice, garlic, half the thyme and most of the Parmesan, and season well to taste. Thin out with around 6 to 8 tablespoons of water and throw in the sliced Jerusalem artichokes. Mix well and place everything in an ovenproof baking dish. Cover with tin foil and bake for 35 minutes.
Mix the bread crumbs, the remaining thyme and some salt and pepper with a touch of olive oil. Remove the artichokes from the oven, discard the foil and sprinkle the remaining Parmesan over the top. Then sprinkle the flavoured bread crumbs over the Parmesan. Use up all the bread crumbs. Bake in the oven for about15 minutes until the bread crumbs are golden. If you’re in a pokey pokey kind of mood you can poke the artichokes about a bit so some of the bread crumbs fall underneath them. This makes it look more rustic instead of like a crumble.
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 45 minutes
 
Marinated Feta Cheese Salad
 
1 pound feta cheese
Flaked dry red chili
Dried oregano
Dried parsley
Bay leaf
Dried lemon thyme
Dried purple basil
Freshly ground black pepper
Fennel seeds
Remove the feta cheese from the pack and pat as dry as possible with kitchen towel. Press the flavours into it. Pack the cheese tightly into a jar and cover with olive oil. It will keep in the fridge for up to two months.
Tips: Don’t use bought dried herbs, instead make your own by drying leftover fresh herbs on a baking sheet. Leave them somewhere warm; e.g. on top of your boiler, washing machine, or oven and they will dry within a week. Or put them in the oven at 200 to 225 degrees for 1 hour.
Uses: On a big plate, covered in fresh basil – served with lots of other salads. As a cheese course, with crusty bread and fruit Don’t throw away the oil – use it in your dressing
 
Roasted Hamilton Poussin Wrapped with Streaky Bacon and Stuffed with Potatoes and Sage
 
4 poussin chickens
12 rashers dry-curled streaky bacon
1 pound potatoes, peeled
Handful fresh sage, thyme or rosemary (all are good)
12 cloves garlic, peeled
1/2 cup white wine, plus 1 cup
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Olive oil
Preheat your oven and an appropriately sized roasting tray to 425 to 450 degrees. Boil your potatoes in salted water until perfectly cooked (don’t overcook). Drain and allow to cool. Remove any fat from inside the chicken cavity. Wash and pat dry with kitchen paper. Slice your potatoes thickly, season with salt and freshly ground black pepper, add your freshly torn herbs and enough olive oil just to coat. Toss over and then stuff your chickens with the potatoes. Place them into the tray with about 12 cloves of garlic and cook for 30 minutes. After this time the chicken should be looking as handsome as its inventor and the skin should be crisp and golden.
At this point lay your streaky bacon snugly over the breast meat and add a 1/2 cup of wine to the pan to get some sticky marmitey juices happening. Cook for another 15 minutes. Remove the chicken from the oven. Take them out of the tray and allow them to rest for 5 minutes while you make a quick bit of gravy. I normally remove as much fat as possible from the tray before placing on gentle heat. Splash the remaining 1 cup of white wine into it. Then boil up and scrape away all the goodness from the sides of the tray. Simmer this for a couple of minutes until tasty. It’s not a thick, robust gravy, just a tasty gesture. (Another nice option at this point is to add a little cream to the gravy which works really well.) Served with something nice and green like steamed spinach and the potatoes pulled out from the chickens.
Prep Time: 50 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour
 
Spiced Cherry Tomato Chutney
 
1 onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
2 to 4 small red chilies, crumbled
Large pinch coriander seeds, pounded
2 cloves, pounded
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg, pounded
Small pinch cumin, pounded
Olive oil
4 anchovy fillets
3 ounces ripe red cherry tomatoes, washed, whole
1 pound 4 ounces brown sugar
8 good lugs vinegar (preferably red wine)
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Slowly fry the onions, garlic and spices in a little olive oil soft and translucent. Add the anchovies and cherry tomatoes (which you can blanch and remove the skins first if you like.) Shake around and add the sugar, vinegar and salt and pepper at this point. Bring to the boil, stir and simmer gently for 30 minutes before seasoning well to taste and transfer to a few small, sterilized airtight jars, rather than a large one, and seal. If unopened, the chutney will improve in flavor and last up to a year in your cupboard. Once opened, keep in your refrigerator for 1 to 2 months.
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 55 minutes
 
Salted Preserved Lemons
 
This is a Moroccan recipe.
Fennel seeds
Coriander seeds
Cinnamon stick
Peppercorns
Bay Leaf
Sea salt
Large fat Lemons (preferably Sicilian ones with the leaves still attached)
In a bowl mix the spices into the sea salt. Cut a cross into the lemons – almost to the base, but so that the quarters stay together. Push the seasoned salt into the lemon segments and pack the lemons as tightly as possible into an airtight jar. The less space there is between the lemons the more attractive it will look and you won’t need to use so much salt. The lemons will be ready after one month of preserving, and will last for about 2 years.
Tips: The peel is edible This also works very well with limes You could preserve oranges like this too – but there are not so many recipes which use them You must use sea salt not table salt – table salt is too chemical and harsh
Uses: For seasoning rice and couscous – it works like salt and makes the rice and couscous lemon scented Put chicken/fish into a foil bag and bake with the lemon salt Use to season stews and soups
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 99 hours
 
Chunky Coconut, Tomato, Cucumber and Lime Relish
 
This is a really nice fresh salad/relish and is very simple to make. It goes especially well with Fragrant Green Chicken Curry.
16 cherry tomatoes, quartered or roughly chopped
1/2 fresh coconut, grated or shaved
1 small handful of basil, or coriander, roughly chopped
6 inches cucumber, skinned, seeds removed and roughly chopped
1 thinly sliced red chili (optional)
1 tablespoon olive oil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 or 2 limes, juiced
Put the tomatoes, coconut, basil, cucumbers and chili, if using, into a bowl and toss. Just before serving, toss in the olive oil, salt, pepper and lime juice to taste.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 12 minutes
Cook Time:
 
Fragrant Green Chicken Curry
 
I was asked to make this by my sister’s husband, who’d eaten something similar in a Thai restaurant. I looked up a lot of recipes and they all seemed quite different, so I used them as a basis and added some more fresh herbs, trying to get it as fragrant as possible. If you are a veggie, replace the chicken with vegetables of your choice.
Green Curry Paste:
6 spring onions, washed and trimmed
4 to 6 medium green chilies, seeded and finely chopped
2 cloves garlic
1 tablespoon fresh ginger root, peeled and finely chopped
1 tablespoon coriander seeds, pounded and crushed
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1/2 handful lime leaves, torn
2 lemon grass stalks, trimmed back and finely chopped
2 good handfuls fresh basil on the stalk
3 good handfuls fresh coriander on the stalk
3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
4 limes, zested and juiced
 
4 chicken breasts without bone and skin, each cut into 5 large pieces
16 ounces coconut milk
1 handful chopped pistachio nuts
Put all the green curry paste ingredients in a food processor and whizz to a smooth green paste. Marinate the chicken in a little of the paste for 30 minutes, then add a little oil and the chicken pieces to a hot casserole-type pan or wok. Fry for 4 minutes, then add the remainder of the marinade – it will sizzle and spit. Stir in the coconut milk, bring to the boil and simmer gently for 8 minutes until the chicken is cooked. Season to taste. The flavor should have a kick but be reasonably mellow – very fresh and fragrant.
Sprinkle with the pistachios and some coriander leaves and serve with steamed rice or noodles, and chunky coconut, tomato, cucumber and lime relish.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 45 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
 
Vegetable Tempura
 
Tempura batter is very handy and easy to make. You can use it with just about any vegetable, as long as they are cut thin enough so that the vegetable can just cook and soften in the same time as it takes for the batter to crisp. These can be eaten alone as a starter with a good sprinkle of rock salt, halves of lemon or lime and possibly some of the dips. The battered vegetables also make a nice side dish, especially with simply cooked meat or fish and a salad.
7 ounces plain flour
3 1/2 ounces corn flour
Ice-cold water, preferably soda or sparkling
3 pounds of assorted vegetables (see below)
Add all the flour to a bowl. With the handle of a spoon, or a chopstick, mix, and stir in the ice-cold water until the mixture is slightly thicker than buttermilk consistency. Make a point of not mixing thoroughly, as tempura is renowned for lumps of flour.
Dip sliced vegetables (zucchini, onions, eggplants, carrots, bell peppers, sweet potatoes, string beans, broccoli, wild mushrooms, fresh herbs, and bok choy) any vegetables will work but these are the most commonly used) into the batter mixture and shake off any excess.
Deep fry vegetables in a wok or deep fat fryer (you can use a frying pan if you do not have anything else, you just need about 7cm/3 inches of clean oil) at 200C/400F/Gas 6 until the batter is light golden in color and crisp. (Any large amounts of hot oil in a kitchen, especially in woks which are not always that sturdy, scare me, please be careful and do not leave the pan unattended.) Turn the vegetables at intervals to ensure that both sides are cooked equally and then fish them out with a slotted spoon, shaking off any excess oil. Place them on kitchen paper towels and eat as soon as possible. The reason that I keep going on about eating them so quickly is because as your hot cooked vegetables cool down inside the batter they begin to steam, making them less crisp as time goes on. Good tempura should be crispy and is one of those things that should be made and cooked quickly and eaten straight away.
Tempura Dipping Sauce:
1 cup rice wine vinegar
2 tablespoons sugar
1/2 handful cilantro, chopped
1 small chile, seeded and finely chopped
1/2 teaspoon chopped garlic
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Pour the rice wine vinegar into a small bowl. Add the sugar and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Taste for sweetness. Add cilantro, chile, and garlic and mix well. Season with salt and pepper and allow to sit for 10 minutes to 1 hour, for flavours to combine.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Praline Semi-Freddo
 
This is one of my favourites, roasted hazelnuts in caramel, just superb! To make the caramel successfully, it needs your undivided attention for about 10 minutes. You can’t leave it for a moment, and do be careful with the kids around – caramel burns are some of the worst kind, no joke! I’ve never burnt myself on caramel and nor should you, just use your head and resist the temptation to taste it at any time.
1 vanilla bean
1/4 cup sugar
4 large fresh eggs, separated
2 cups plus 2 tablespoons heavy cream
Salt
1 recipe Praline (see below)
Remove the seeds from the vanilla bean by scoring down the length and scraping the seeds out of each half.
Whisk the vanilla seeds and sugar with the egg yolks in a large bowl until pale. In a second bowl whisk the cream until soft peaks form. (Important! Please don't overwhip it.) Then in the third bowl whisk or beat the egg whites with an electric mixer with a pinch of salt until they form very firm peaks (this is when you can pull the egg whites in any direction and they will stay like it).
At this point add the praline, the cream and egg whites, to the egg yolk mixture. Gently fold in.
Immediately scoop the contents into your chosen container. Cover with plastic wrap and freeze until you're ready to eat it.
Praline:
11 ounces peeled hazelnuts
7 ounces sugar
4 tablespoons water
Roast the hazelnuts in the oven at 225C/425F/Gas 7 until golden (about 4 minutes). Really watch them, because if you over-roast them they go bitter and you can’t use them.
Put the sugar and water in a thick-bottomed pan and place on a medium to high heat. The mixture will start to bubble and then turn into a clear syrup.
To begin with, it will gradually start to color in parts or from the sides. Gently and carefully shake the pan, just moving it to mix the patches of color.
When it’s all golden brown, carefully tip it away from you and gently add the nuts. Turn the heat down to a simmer and gently stir to coat the nuts in caramel.
When the caramel is dark golden brown, turn it out on to a clean, lightly oiled tray, or on to greaseproof paper on a surface that won’t burn. It will cool to a flattish solid sheet.
When completely cooled (which takes about 20 minutes), smash it up roughly and pulse it in a food processor until the pieces are still quite chunky (very approximate size about 1/2 cm/ 1/4-inch).
Remove about half the praline, then pulse the rest to a powder (or put it in a tea-towel and bash with a rolling-pin), and add both lots of praline to the semi-freddo mixture.
Yield: Serves 12
 
 
 
Chocolate Fridge Cake
 
5 1/4 ounces (150 grams) digestive biscuits
3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) pecans
3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) pistachio nuts
10 glace cherries
2 ready made meringue nests, crumbled into small pieces
5 1/4 ounces (150 grams) butter
1 tablespoon golden syrup
7 ounces (200 grams) good quality chocolate
Cocoa powder, for dusting
Break the biscuits into small pieces directly into a large bowl. Add the pecans, pistachio nuts, cherries and bits of meringue. Put the rest of the ingredients, except the cocoa powder, into a bowl and put over a pan of simmering water on low heat to melt.
Mix the ingredients together and place in the container which acts as your mold. To help with turning out, line a 12 by 8-inch (30 by 20 centimetre) container with cling film, first leaving plenty of extra film at the edges to fold over the top.
Leave in the refrigerator to firm up then turn out and cut into chunky slices. This cake can be kept in an airtight container and actually improves after a couple of days.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
Jools
 
 
 
Jools' Bolognaise Sauce.
1lb/450g best minced beef
8 rashers of smoked bacon sliced and chopped
1 large onion, chopped
2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped
Level teaspoon salt
Glass of red wine
Teaspoon dried oregano
Tin of tomatoes
Large tube or half a tin of tomato puree (I use loads!)
Black pepper
Olive oil
Handful fresh basil
In a large pan, fry off the minced beef, bacon, onion and garlic in a tablespoon of olive oil. Add the wine and reduce to nothing, add the oregano, tinned tomatoes and tomato puree. I think that the tomato puree is important for flavour and it thickens the sauce. Add the salt and some freshly ground black pepper, bring it to the boil and simmer gently for a couple of hours. Add some ripped up fresh basil just before serving.
Serve the sauce with pasta and Parmesan cheese or nice strong grated cheddar. A green salad is nice with this.
 
 
Kids Recipes
 
Spaghetti with Red Onions, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Balsamic Vinegar and Basil
Serves 4
455g/1lb dried spaghetti, the best you can get
1 red onion, peeled and finely chopped
Olive oil
2 handfuls of sun-dried tomatoes in oil, chopped
3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 handfuls of basil, torn
1small handful of Parmesan or pecorino cheese, grated
While cooking the Spaghetti in plenty of salted boiling water until al dente, slowly fry the onion in a couple of lugs of olive oil, for 5 minutes until soft and tender. Stir in the drained tomatoes and vinegar, and throw in your drained pasta. Season and toss together with the basil, serve with grated Parmesan or Pecorino.
 
 
Party Cake
3 rounded tablespoons cocoa powder
200g/7oz caster sugar
200g/7oz butter
3 large eggs, preferably free range
200g/7oz self raising flour, sifted
1 rounded teaspoon baking powder
200ml/7fl oz double cream
1 large handful raspberries
1 large handful strawberries
Chocolate Topping
100g/3 ¾ oz butter
100g/3 ¾ oz best cooking chocolate
100g /3 ¾ oz icing sugar
3 tablespoons milk
Preheat the oven to 180°C/ 350°F Gas 4. Line the bases of 2x20cm / 8inch cake tins with greased proof paper. Mix the cocoa powder with 4 tablespoons of boiling water until smooth. In a separate bowl, beat the sugar and butter until fluffy, add the cocoa mixture, eggs, flour and baking powder. Mix well fold in the nuts. Divide the mixture between the tins. Bake for about 25mins. When cooked, allow to cool then remove from the tins.
Melt the chocolate topping ingredients in a bowl over some lightly simmering water. Stir until blended well and allow to cool. Whip the double cream to soft peaks and sweeten with a little sugar to taste. To assemble the cake, remove the greaseproof paper from both sponges. Drizzle each one with a little Sherry if you like. Spread the cream over one of the sponges, then sprinkle the fruit on top. Sandwich the second sponge on top and press down. Run a knife around the edge of the cake to smooth it off and drizzle over your chocolate topping. Happy Days, you’ve done it! But allow the chocolate topping to firm up slightly before tucking in.
 
Orange and Polenta Biscuits
Makes around 25
170g/6oz butter
170g/6oz sugar
255g/9oz polenta
100g/ 3 ¾ oz plain flour
Zest of 2-3 oranges, finely chopped
2 large eggs
Rub the butter, sugar, polenta and flour together before mixing in the orange zest and the eggs. Cover with cling film and put in the fridge for an hour until slightly firm. Place a large square of greaseproof paper on a baking tray and spoon small teaspoons of the mixture in lines 5cm/2" apart. Bake in a pre-heated oven at 190°C/375°F/Gas5 for around 5-6 minutes until the outside edges of your biscuits are lightly golden. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for 15 minutes before eating.
 
 
Banana and Honey Smoothie
 
 
Serves 2 people
I did this for my cousins for a treat, I also added a little peanut butter ˜ mad! ˜ but they liked it. They didn't have a liquidiser so I mashed up the banana then I wrapped up the ice in a tea towel and bashed it with a rolling pin. Then you can mix all the ingredients together in a jug or bowl. Not a bad job!
 
Serves 2.
3 bananas.
3 dessert spoons of honey.
285ml / ½ a pint of single cream.
Around a pint of ice cubes.
Place the banana, cream and honey in the liquidiser and whizz up for 30 seconds before adding the ice cubes, place the lid on and pulse to a slushy milk shake consistency.
 
End of Kids Recipes
The King of Puddings
 
4 eggs
1 pint (565 millilitres) milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 ounces (115 grams) fine bread crumbs
8 ounces (225 grams) sugar
4 level tablespoons jam (raspberry jam is really nice)
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C).
Separate 3 of the eggs. Put the yolks in a bowl with the remaining whole egg and beat together. Add the milk, vanilla essence, bread crumbs, and 3 ounces (85 grams) of the sugar.
Put the jam on the bottom of a pie dish and spread it evenly. Pour the egg and milk mixture over the jam.
Bake in the preheated oven for 1 hour or until set.
Whisk the remaining egg whites until stiff. You could use an electric whisk for this. Slowly add the remaining sugar until it is all mixed in. Pile this mixture on top of the pudding mixture, then bake in the oven for a further 15 to 20 minutes until the meringue is set and lightly browned.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 20 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Slow Roasted Duck
 
2 (3 1/2 pound) Aylesbury ducks (1.5 kilograms) (can substitute Pekin ducks)
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
9 ounces (255 grams) fresh ginger
2 long stalks baby rhubarb
2 handfuls fresh sage
1 bulb garlic, cloves removed and chopped in half
2 red onions, roughly sliced
2 wineglasses Marsala or Vin Santo
1 cup (285 millilitres) vegetable, chicken, or duck stock
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C).
Season the ducks generously, putting some salt in the cavity as well. Make sure you save the fat and the giblets for the gravy.
Coarsely grate half the ginger and rhubarb. Mix this in a bowl with half the sage and all the garlic and onion, and stuff the mixture inside the cavity of the ducks, ensuring there is an air cavity.
Place the ducks on a tray on top of the chopped up giblets and roast in the oven for one hour. Turn the temperature down to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C) and cook for another 1 1/2 hours until crisp and tender. The ducks are ready when the skin is crisp and the leg bones can be easily removed.
During this time you will need to drain the fat maybe 3 times into a bowl, this will separate into a clear fat which you can keep for roasting.
Once cooked allow the ducks to rest on a warmed plate while you make the sauce. Drain off any remaining fat from the roasting tray.
Pull out all the stuffing and any juices from the inside of the duck and put in the roasting tray and warm this on a low heat.
Add the Marsala and loosen all the sticky goodness from the bottom of the tray, and reduce. Add the stock and reduce to a good taste and consistency.
Pass the sauce trough a coarse sieve.
Remove the breasts from the ducks with a knife and, using your hands, remove the thighs. Arrange the breasts and thighs on a large serving plate.
Finely slice the remaining ginger and fry off in a little hot oil (or you can use the duck fat) in a non-stick pan. As the ginger begins to color, add the rest of the rhubarb, finely sliced, and the rest of the sage. Fry until crisp. Sprinkle this over the duck and drizzle with the sauce.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 2 hours 50 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Chocolate Cambridge Cream
 
3 vanilla pods
7 fluid ounces (200 millilitres) milk
13 fluid ounces (375 millilitres) double cream
8 large egg yolks, preferably organic
2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) caster sugar
1 heaped teaspoon cocoa powder
3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) good-quality chocolate, bashed up finely
Extra sugar, for caramelizing
Run a knife along the length of the vanilla pods, scraping out the seeds, and then chop up the pods. Put the seeds and pods in to a thick-bottomed pan with the milk and cream. Simmer slowly for 5 minutes for the flavor to infuse.
In a bowl that will fit into the top of the pan, but not fall into the pan, whisk the egg yolks, sugar, and cocoa powder for a minute. Still slowly whisking, add the vanilla-flavoured milk and cream and keep whisking until well mixed.
Add 1-inch (2.5 centimetres) of hot water to the dirty pan bring to a simmer and put the bowl on top of the pan. Cook the custard slowly over the simmering water for 5 minutes, stirring often until it coats the back of the spoon.
Strain the custard through a fine sieve into a clean container. Discard the vanilla pods.
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C).
Put 4 ovenproof serving dishes in a high-sided roasting tray. Divide the chocolate between them and shake flat. Carefully divide the custard mix between the dishes; making sure the chocolate isn't disturbed. Fill the tray with water until it is halfway up the sides of the dishes.
Cook in the preheated oven for around 30 to 45 minutes until slightly wobbly in the middle. Allow to cool, then sprinkle with some sugar, and caramelize with a blowtorch.
Propane Gas Torch Warning: Propane gas torches are highly flammable and should be kept away from heat or flame, and should not be exposed to prolonged sunlight. Propane gas torches should only be used in well-ventilated areas. When lighting a propane gas torch, place the torch on a flat, steady surface, facing away from you. Light the match or lighter and then open the gas valve. Light the gas jet, and blow out the match. Always turn off the burner valve to "finger tight" when finished using the torch. Children should never use a propane gas torch without adult supervision.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 55 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Marinated Lamb
 
1 leg lamb, boned
1 large bunch mint, roughly chopped
1 large bunch cilantro, roughly chopped
2 cloves garlic, peeled
17 1/2 ounces (500 grams) natural yoghurt
1/2 (14-ounce/400 gram) can chickpeas, drained and mashed
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 lemon, juiced
 
Tray Roasted Vegetables:
Baby carrots
Quartered fennel, with its own leafy tops
Quartered red onions
Whole baby turnips
Butternut squash, cut into chunks
Jerusalem artichokes, scrubbed and halved
1/2 (14-ounce/400 gram) can chick peas, drained
Ground cumin
Coriander seeds
Nutmeg
Olive oil
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Lamb: Pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C).
Bash up the coriander and mint and mix with the yoghurt, garlic, and seasoning. Reserve half to use as a sauce once the lamb is cooked.
Score the lamb pieces, season with the salt and pepper and mix with half the marinade and the chickpeas, so it is all coated.
Transfer the marinade and lamb to a plastic bag and seal. Place in the refrigerator until required.
To cook, place the meat directly on the oven shelf above the tray of vegetables for approximately 45 minutes.
Vegetables: Pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Place all the vegetables in a roasting tray, add the chickpeas, cumin, coriander seeds, nutmeg, sea salt, pepper, and olive oil and toss together.
Cook in the preheated oven for 20 minutes then remove the foil and continue roasting for 20 to 30 minutes until the vegetables are tender and golden.
Yield: 10 to 12 servings
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 1 to 24 hours
Cook Time: 50 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
My Favourite Way of Dressing Oysters
 
Oysters with Shallots and Red Wine Vinegar:
1 to 2 shallots, finely chopped
2 teaspoons sugar
5 tablespoons red wine vinegar
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Mix ingredients together in a small serving dish. Leave for 10 minutes and taste. Add more sugar if required.
Oysters with Chile, Ginger, and Rice Wine Vinegar:
A half thumb-sized piece peeled ginger, finely grated
6 tablespoons rice wine vinegar
1 red chile, seeded and finely chopped
A little finely sliced cilantro leaves
1 teaspoon sugar
Seaweed, as a garnish
Halved lemons, as an accompaniment
Mix together all the ingredients in the serving dish. Taste and add sugar if required. Serve with the oysters.
Serve on some crushed on a round tray with seaweed and 1/2 lemons.
Yield: 2 dozen oysters
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time:
Difficulty: Easy
 
Summer Fruit and Prosecco Jelly
 
8 pints mixed soft fruit (blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, red currants)
4 leaves gelatine
1/2 cup (140 grams) elderflower cordial
1 1/2 cups (425 millilitres) Prosecco (sparkling Italian wine), chilled
2 heaping tablespoons caster sugar
Divide the ripe fruit into 9 small glasses. Place all the glasses on a tray and chill in the refrigerator.
Soak the gelatine leaves in some cold water for a minute, then drain, and add the gelatine back to the bowl with the cordial. Rest above a pan of water over a medium heat and stir constantly until the gelatine and cordial become syrupy.
At this point you can add sugar, stir until dissolved, then remove the bowl from the heat, and let it sit at room temperature for a minute or two.
Remove the chilled Prosecco and chilled fruit from the refrigerator. The idea being that the fruit molds and Prosecco are all chilled, so the bubbles stay in the jelly when it sets and they fizz in your mouth when you eat it.
Pour the Prosecco into the cordial mix, then divide between the glasses over your fruit. Some of the fruit might rise to the top, so using your finger, just push the fruit down into the jelly mix so that it is sealed and will then keep well in the refrigerator.
Place in the refrigerator for an hour to set.
To serve, dip the glass in to a bowl of hot water to loosen the outside of the jelly, then turn it out onto a plate.
Yield: 9 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 1 hour
Cook Time: 10 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Pine Nut and Honey Tart
 
For the pastry:
4 ounces (115 grams) butter
3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) confectioners' sugar
Pinch salt
8 ounces (225 grams) all-purpose flour
2 egg yolks
2 tablespoons cold milk or water
 
9 ounces (225 grams) pine nuts
9 ounces (225 grams) butter
9 ounces (225 grams) caster sugar
3 large eggs, preferably organic
4 tablespoons Greek fig tree honey
4 ounces (115 grams) all-purpose flour
1 orange, zested
Lemon thyme, leaves picked, plus extra, for garnish
Pinch salt
 
Serving suggestions: carmelized figs and creme fraiche
You can make the pastry by hand or in the food processor. Cream together the butter, sugar, and salt and then rub or pulse in the flour and egg yolks. When the mixture has come together, looking like coarse breadcrumbs, add the milk or water. Gently pat together to form a small ball of dough. Wrap and let rest for an hour.
Carefully cut thin slices of the pastry (or you can roll out if you prefer) and place in and around the bottom and sides of a 12-inch (30-centimeter) tart pan. Push the pastry together and level out and tidy up the sides. Cover and let to rest in the freezer for about 1 hour.
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C), and bake the pastry for around 15minutes until lightly golden. Reduce the oven temperature to 325 degrees F (170 degrees C).
While the pastry is in the oven, toast the pine nuts under the grill.
Using a spatula, or a food processor, whip the butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
Stir in your pine nuts, add the eggs 1 at a time, and then fold in the honey, flour, thyme, orange zest, and salt. Spoon into the tart shell and bake for 30 to 35 minutes.
Add a few uncooked pine nuts to the top of the mixture for decoration.
Serve with caramelized figs (grilled with a little sugar), creme fraiche and a little lemon thyme.
Yield: 10 to 12 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours
Cook Time: 50 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Chili con Carne
 
2 medium onions
1 clove garlic
Olive oil
2 level teaspoons chili powder
1 heaped teaspoon ground cumin (or crushed cumin seeds)
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 pound (455 grams) chuck, minced or ground
7 ounces (200 grams) sun-dried tomatoes in olive oil
1 fresh red chile, deseeded and finely chopped
2 (14 ounce) cans chopped tomatoes (400 grams)
1/2 stick cinnamon
5 ounces water
2 (14 ounce) cans red kidney beans, drained (400 grams)
If you are going to use the oven method, preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C).
Chop up the onions and garlic in the food processor and fry in some olive oil until softened. Add the chili powder and cumin and a little seasoning.
Chop up the meat in the processor and add to the pan, cooking it until slightly browned.
Place the sun-dried tomatoes and chile in the processor with the oil and blend to form a paste. Add these to the beef with the tomatoes, cinnamon stick, and a wineglass of water. Season a little more, if need be.
Bring to the boil, cover with greaseproof paper and a lid, then either turn the heat down to simmer and cook for 1 1/2 hours or transfer the pan to the oven for about 1 1/2 hours.
Add the red kidney beans 30 minutes before the end of cooking time.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 50 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
The Best Pasta Salad
 
11 ounces (310 grams) small shell-shaped pasta
3 cloves garlic
9 ounces (225 grams) yellow cherry tomatoes
9 ounces (225 grams) red cherry tomatoes
1/2 cucumber
1 handful black olives, pitted
2 tablespoons fresh chives
I handful fresh basil
7 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
4 tablespoons white wine vinegar
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil, add the pasta and garlic, and simmer for about 5 minutes or until al dente, and drain.
Put the garlic to one side for the dressing. Put the pasta in a bowl.
Cut the tomatoes, cucumber, and black olives into small pieces, about half the size of the pasta, and place in the round metal container. Roughly chop the herbs and place these in the container.
Using a fork mash the cooked garlic cloves on the board with a little salt, add to the salad.
Add the oil, vinegar, and seasoning.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
The Best Hot Chocolate
 
This a great way to make the best hot chocolate, cappuccino or frothy milk drinks at home without having to buy any expensive machinery. All you need is a good-sized thermos flask or a plastic jug with a screw-top lid. I've even made pukka ovaltine like this!
 
This takes around 3 or 4 minutes to make.
1 pint milk
2 tablespoons the best hot chocolate powder
A handful of marshmallows
Firstly, put a pan of milk on to the heat. Bring to a simmer, not a boil, and while it's heating, put a tablespoon of chocolate powder into each mug. Add a little warmish milk from the pan to each mug, you just need enough to dissolve the chocolate powder.
At this point, plonk a few marshmallows into each mug. When the milk is at a simmer, carefully pour it into a plastic jug or flask. I normally do this over a sink as I always end up spilling a bit (the trick is to have a big enough jug or flask so the milk only half fills it: you need the extra space for shaking and frothing).
Screw the lid on tightly, place a cloth over the lid for safety, and shake hard for a minute. Remove the lid, minding the steam, and pour into your mugs. A little stir and you can slurp your way to heaven!
Yield: 2 serving
Prep Time: 1 minute
Cook Time: 4 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Sushi Rolls
 
14 ounces (400milliliters) sushi rice
16 ounces (450milliliters) water
6 tablespoons rice wine vinegar
2 tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons salt
1 pack of nori seaweed sheets, halved
Pickled ginger
Wasabi
Soy sauce
 
For the fillings:
Spring onions
Enoki mushrooms
Raw salmon
Raw tuna
Cucumber
Wash the rice well and drain. Cover with the measured water and bring to a simmer. Cover and cook for 12 minutes then leave to sit for 5 minutes with the lid on.
Meanwhile, heat the vinegar, sugar, and salt until dissolved then leave to cool. Turn the cooked rice out onto a flat tray to cool. When cool, place in a bowl, stir in the vinegar solution, and mix with a wooden spoon.
Lay half a sheet of nori seaweed onto a rolling mat. Dip your hand in cold water and quickly place a handful of rice in a line along the seaweed. Flatten out with your fingertips using the water to stop any sticking. The key is to do this quickly. The rice should cover half the width of the sheet so now you can place your combo of filling in the middle of the rice. Use the mat to roll up the sushi roll, pinch and squeeze the mat to shape it into a round cigar shape. Practice makes perfect!
Slice into inch-thick rolls with a sharp knife, turn onto their sides so the rice is facing upwards, and serve with the pickled ginger and wasabi mixed with soy sauce.
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 50 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Pizza
 
2 pounds, 3 ounces (1 kilogram) strong bread flour
1 ounce (30 grams) sugar
1 ounce (30 grams) salt
1 ounce dried yeast
1 pint (565 millilitres) tepid water
2 tablespoons olive oil
Toppings, recipes follow
Put the flour onto a work surface or use a bowl, if you are short of space. Using your fingers, make a big well in the middle of the flour. Add the sugar, salt and yeast then pour in the tepid water and olive oil. Using a fork, make circular movements from the centre moving outwards, slowly bringing in more of the flour until all the yeast mixture is soaked up. This should be starting to look like dough now so you can start to work and knead it until it is smooth. This should take around 4 minutes. Roll out to a sausage shape and divide into 8 or 10 balls, depending on how large you want the pizzas to be.
Flour the surface and roll each pizza out to about the thickness of 3 beer coasters (1/3 of an inch). They don't have to be perfectly round, they should look home-made. Place each pizza on a lightly oiled and floured piece of tin foil. Flour the top of the pizza, placing another on top of it. Flour that and repeat this until all the pizzas are stacked together. These can be frozen for a couple of months, placed in the fridge for 10 hours, or cooked straight away. Lightly top with your chosen topping (the simpler the better) and bake directly on the oven bars for 10 minutes at your oven's highest temperature.
Toppings:
 
Tomato:
8 plum tomatoes
Sprinkle dried oregano
Drizzle olive oil
For enough to cover eight bases, chop and de-seed plum tomatoes, dry with kitchen paper, sprinkle with a little dried oregano and a drizzle of olive oil.
Various topping ingredients:
Sliced mozzarella
Rocket (Arugula)
Parmesan
Olives
Sun-dried tomatoes
Artichoke hearts
Prosciutto
Panchetta
Any interesting cheeses - use your imagination
Yield: 8 (10-inch) pizzas, 16 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 10 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Pancakes
 
These American pancakes are great! Instead of being thin and silky like French crepes they are wonderfully fluffy and thick and can be made to perfection straight away. Simple, simple, simple - my Jools goes mad for them!
3 large eggs
1 cup flour (122 grams)
1 heaped teaspoon baking powder
1/2 cup milk (110 millilitres)
Pinch salt
First, separate the eggs, putting the whites in 1 bowl and the egg yolks into another. Add the flour, baking powder and milk to the egg yolks and mix to a smooth thick batter. Whisk the whites with the salt until they form stiff peaks. Fold into the batter ? it is now ready to use.
Heat a non-stick pan on a medium heat. Pour a little oil onto some kitchen paper and spread onto the pan. Pour some of your batter into the pan and fry for a couple of minutes until it starts to look golden and firm. At this point, sprinkle your chosen flavouring onto the uncooked side before loosening with a spatula and flipping the pancake over. Continue frying until both sides are golden.
You can make these pancakes large or small, to your liking. You can serve them simply dowsed in maple syrup and even some butter or creme fraiche. Or try one of these great flavorings. Nice one.
Optional Toppings:
Corn on the cob
Bacon or pancetta
Blueberries
Bananas
Stewed apples
Chocolate
Maple syrup
Anything else you can imagine...
 
P.S. You must try the corn pancakes, they are great. On one condition: you must use fresh corn. To do this, remove the outer leaves, and carefully run a knife down the cob, this will loosen all the lovely pieces of corn. I like to have some grilled bacon over my corn pancakes, drizzled with a little maple syrup. This sounds bloody horrid but it honestly tastes pukka!
Yield: 4 UK servings, 2 US servings, 8 pancakes total
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Mussels and Sweet Leeks
 
This dish is a really sociable thing. Just whack it in a big bowl and get your friends to dive in. Have a loaf of crusty bread with it and you have a tasty meal that is completely simple.
3 medium leeks, cleaned and roughly chopped
3 cloves garlic, finely sliced
Olive oil
2 knobs (tablespoons) butter
1/2 glass (about 3 ounces) Marsala, sherry, or white wine
1/4 pint (140 millilitres) cream
2 1/2 pounds (1.1kilograms) mussels, cleaned and de-bearded
A good handful of parsley, roughly chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
In a large pan, slowly fry the leeks and garlic in a good lug of olive oil and the butter. After 5 minutes, they should be very soft and sweet to taste. Pour in the alcohol, turn the heat up, and simmer for 1 minute until the alcohol smell disappears, leaving you with the fantastic essence.
Then add the cream, bring back to the boil, and add all the mussels. Simply boil with a lid on until all the mussels have opened, discard any that remain closed.
To make life easier, you could make the sauce in advance and keep it in the refrigerator until you need to cook the mussels. This is kind of handy if you are having a party as you'll have more time to chill out with a drink.
When the mussels are cooked, stir in the parsley and correct the seasoning. Serve in a large bowl with some crusty bread.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Christmas Bombe
 
This is an excellent Christmas special that is very simple and great to get in the bag as you can make it days before the big day.
For the chocolate sponge:
7 ounces (200grams) butter
7 ounces (200grams) caster sugar
3 large eggs
7 ounces (200grams) self-rising flour
1 rounded teaspoon baking powder
3 rounded tablespoons cocoa powder
 
For the filling:
2 (250 gram containers) ricotta cheese (about 19 ounces)
Around 2 3/4 ounces (80 grams) sugar
1 handful of mixed glace fruit
1 tin cherries, drained
4 ounces (100 grams) chocolate, broken up
1 handful flaked or shaved or thinly sliced almonds
2 heaping tablespoons good coffee beans, crushed
2 egg whites
A good drizzle orange liqueur
Cocoa powder for dusting
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Line 2 (10-inch) (25 centimetres) cake tins with greaseproof paper and rub with a little butter. In a mixer, beat the butter and sugar together until fluffy. Add the eggs, flour, baking powder, and cocoa powder. Mix well and divide into the cake tins. Cook for 7 to 8 minutes at 350 degrees F (180 degrees C/gas 4) until firm but soft.
So, you have 7 to 8 minutes, while the sponge is cooking, to make the filling. Add the ricotta to a food processor and blitz with the sugar until shiny and smooth. Scoop into a bowl, add the chopped fruit, cherries, chocolate, and almonds and stir together. Now add the coffee to taste (bash the hell out of the beans using something heavy wrapped in a tea towel, or use a coffee grinder if you don't like too much noise?). Whip up the egg whites and fold into the ricotta mix.
By now, the sponge is probably ready. Turn it out while it is still hot and cut it into 8 wedges. Line a shallow round bowl, about 9-inches (23 centimetres) across, with two sheets of cling film, making sure it fits the shape of the bowl. Then fit half of the sponge pieces neatly around the insides of the bowl (as you would if you were making summer pudding).
Drizzle with liqueur, then pour in the ricotta mixture. Level it out, then place the remaining sponge over the top. Drizzle again with liqueur. Pull the cling film over the top and weigh it down with some plates, pushing down on them before placing in the freezer for at least 4 hours. Serve this 'semi freddo' (semi frozen), dusted with cocoa powder and sliced into wedges. If it's very frozen then that's fine; just pull it out of the fridge when dinner is served so it can slowly thaw as you are eating.
Yield: 10 to 12 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 4 hours
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Broken Potatoes
 
2 pounds, 3 ounces (1-kilogram) potatoes, peeled
Olive oil
Pork fat
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
A handful of rosemary leaves
Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.
Cook the potatoes in salted boiling water for about 15 minutes, or until your knife slides easily through them. Drain and leave for 5 minutes.
Drizzle a roasting tray with a little olive oil and any handy pork fat. Season, then throw in the potatoes, and push down on each of them to break them up slightly. Then pound up the rosemary in a pestle and mortar to bruise and release its flavours. Add 4 good lugs of olive oil, stir around, and drizzle over the potatoes. Roast for 40 to 50 minutes at 425 degrees F (220 degrees C/gas 7) until crisp and golden.
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 10 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Pork with Peaches
 
This fruit and meat combo is great. Give it a bash as it makes a really good change to plain old roast pork.
1 (3 1/2 pound) (1 1/2 kilogram) pork loin, boned
1 bunch fresh thyme, leaves picked
1 bulb garlic
7 ounces (200 grams) butter
2 tins (cans) peaches in natural juice, drained
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Around 15 slices of pancetta, streaky bacon, or Parma ham
1 glass (about 6 ounces) white wine
A little flour
1 glass (about 6 ounces) water
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C/gas 7).
Score the skin of the pork through the fat, the incisions should be about 1 centimetre apart. Turn over. Make a pocket for the stuffing by cutting an incision at an angle, about 3 inches (7.5 centimetres) deep in the centre of the streaky part of the loin, working away from the eye meat. Starting slightly in from the side of the meat, slowly slice along the loin not quite to the end, this will ensure your stuffing won't fall out.
Chop half the thyme with 1 clove of garlic and scrunch together with the butter, 1 tin of peaches, and a good pinch of salt and pepper. Push the butter into the pocket and pat back into shape. Lay the pancetta, bacon or Parma ham over the pork, leaving the skin side uncovered, and tie up firmly with 3 to 4 pieces of string.
Place skin-side up in a roasting tray with the remaining peaches, the garlic cloves, thyme, and half of the white wine. Roast for around 1 hour until the skin is crisp and golden.
When ready, remove the pork and peaches to a plate and leave to rest for 15 minutes whilst you finish the sauce. To do this, remove most of the fat from the roasting tray, then place the tray over a high heat. Squash the cooked garlic and add 1 tablespoon of flour. Stir and add the rest of the wine with a glass of water or stock. Simmer and leave to reduce for a few minutes. Strain and add any extra juices from the rested pork. Check the seasoning and consistency and serve drizzled over the sliced pork.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour 25 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Linguine with Pancetta, Olive Oil, Chile, Clams and White Wine Sauce
 
1 pound dried good quality linguine
Olive oil
4 rashers pancetta or dry-cured smoky bacon, sliced thinly
1 large clove of garlic, finely chopped
1 to 2 dried red chiles, crumbled
1 1/2 pounds clams
2 glasses (10 ounces) of white wine
1 good handful of parsley leaves, roughly chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Cook your linguine in salted boiling water until al dente. Meanwhile, get a pan hot and add a couple of good lugs (tablespoons) of olive oil and the pancetta. Fry until golden, then add the garlic and chilies. Soften them slightly and add the clams. Stir, then add the white wine. Put a lid on the pan and cook for a further couple of minutes until all the clams have opened–discard any that remain closed. Remove from the heat and add the drained linguine. Stir in the parsley, correct the seasoning and serve with all the cooking juices.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
 
Salmon Fillet Wrapped in Prosciutto with Herby Lentils, Spinach and Yoghurt
 
9 ounces lentils
4 (8-ounce) salmon fillets, skinned and pin-boned
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
8 slices of prosciutto
4 tablespoons olive oil
1 lemon, juiced
2 good handfuls mixed herbs (flat-leaf parsley, basil, and mint), chopped
3 large handfuls spinach, chopped
7 ounces plain yoghurt, lightly seasoned with salt and pepper
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Put the lentils into a pan, cover with water, bring to a boil and simmer until tender. Season the salmon fillets with a little pepper before wrapping them in the prosciutto slices. Leave some of the flesh exposed. Drizzle with olive oil and roast in the oven for around 10 minutes until the prosciutto is golden. Feel free to cook the salmon for less time if pinker is to your liking. Drain away most of the water from the lentils and season carefully with salt, pepper, the lemon juice and olive oil. Just before serving, stir the herbs and spinach into the lentils on a high heat, until wilted. Place on plates with the salmon and finish with a drizzle of lightly seasoned yoghurt.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 45 minutes
 
Baked Fennel with Garlic Butter and Vermouth
 
This dish is so quick. I made it the other day, chucked it together and it’s really light and flavoursome. It goes fantastically well with any meat or fish.
3 large heads fennel
1 clove garlic, finely sliced
3 large knobs (tablespoons) of butter
2 wine glasses (10 ounces) vermouth (white wine also works)
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Remove any discoloured parts of the fennel, then cut the tops off and slice finely, reserving the leaves. I normally slice each fennel from the top to the root, into about 4 pieces, but its not that important. You can slice them finer and more delicately if you like. Literally throw all the ingredients except the reserved leaves into a baking dish. Rip off a piece of parchment paper, run it under cold water and scrunch it up to make it soft. Then place it snugly over and around the fennel, not the actual dish. This bakes and steams the fennel at the same time–basically making it really tasty! Cook in the preheated oven for 20 minutes, or until tender. Scatter with the fennel leaves before serving.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
 
Pineapple and Grapefruit Frappe
 
This recipe works with just about any fruit or combination of your choice because the principle is so basic. A frappe is basically a cross between a granita (like an icy Slush Puppy) and a smooth sorbet. As both pineapples and grapefruits can vary so much in natural sweetness, add the sugar to your own taste.
2 ripe pineapples, peeled and roughly chopped
3 grapefruits, halved and juiced
Sugar, to taste
Whizz up the pineapple in a liquidizer until smooth and pass through a course sieve. Add the grapefruit juice and stir in sugar to taste, remembering that the sweetness from the sugar will lessen slightly when frozen, so to use a touch more than you normally would. Place in the freezer for around 2 1/2 hours to set, stirring every 45 minutes.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 2 hours 40 minutes
 
Campari and Passionfruit Sorbet
 
1 cup water
7 ounces sugar
15 passion fruits
1 wine glass (5 ounces) Campari
Place the water and sugar in a pan, bring to the boil and simmer for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and allow to cool for a while. Halve the passion fruits and scoop out the flesh, seeds and juice using a spoon. Stir this up–you can pass it through a sieve to remove the seeds, but quite frankly I think that’s palaver (nonsense). I like the seeds. Mix the passion fruit with the Campari and sugar syrup in a plastic tub or earthenware dish and place in the freezer. Generally, sorbet takes 2 hours to set. Try to stir it around every 1/2 hour if you remember. Serve on its own, with some seasonal fruit, or in a cone with some vanilla ice cream.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 2 hours 15 minutes
 
Salad of Boiled Potatoes, Avocado and Cress
 
I had to do this salad, even though cress must be one of the tackiest things in the world. For some reason I’m absolutely addicted to it and love it to bits. This is my favourite combination.
1 1/2 pound scrubbed new waxy potatoes
1 large ripe avocado
3 bunches of cress, water or pepper, washed
Olive oil
1 to 2 lemons, juiced
Salt and freshly ground pepper
Cook the new potatoes in salted boiling water until very tender, then drain. Slice the avocado in half and remove the stone. Peel and slice it lengthways into thick slices or chunks (however you really like) and place in a bowl. Slice any large potatoes in half–this will expose their flesh to the olive oil and lemon juice. If they are small, leave them whole. Add to the bowl. Throw the cress in, then add a couple of good lugs (tablespoons) of olive oil and lemon juice, to taste. Season and toss. Serve on a big plate, scattered with any remaining cress. This is brilliant with chicken, fish or as a salad on its own, especially in the summer.
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
 
Celeriac and Celery Salad
 
This is a really clean salad, fantastic with fish or cold meats. For it to be as delicate as it should be, the celery and celeriac should be very finely sliced. You can do this by hand with a knife or with a mandolin slicer, which you can pick up really cheaply. It will make the job so much easier.
I normally use 1 whole celeriac to 1 head of celery.
All you have to do is strip back the celery and peel the celeriac and then finely slice. Place in a bowl with some chopped flat-leaf parsley and a handful of pomegranate seeds (make sure you use just the red seeds, not the bitter yellow stuff). Season and dress with olive oil and lemon juice dressing. This salad can be dressed a little before you need it, as opposed to at the table. Place on a large plate and sprinkle with some extra pomegranate seeds. Sometimes I crumble goat’s cheese over this, or some ricotta salata which I encrust with dried herbs, salt and pepper, drizzled with olive oil and bake until golden in a hot oven.
All you have to do is strip back the celery and peel the celeriac and then finely slice. Place in a bowl with some chopped flat-leaf parsley and a handful of pomegranate seeds (make sure you use just the red seeds, not the bitter yellow stuff). Season and dress with olive oil and lemon juice dressing. This salad can be dressed a little before you need it, as
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 2 minutes
 
Botham Burger
 
2 pounds minced beef, preferably organic
2 medium red onions, finely chopped
2 eggs
1 to 2 handfuls fresh bread crumbs
1 tablespoon coriander seeds, crushed
1 small pinch cumin seeds, crushed
1 heaped teaspoon Dijon mustard
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Mix and scrunch all the ingredients together. Use the bread crumbs as required to bind and lighten the mixture. Divide into 4, then gently and lightly mold and pack each burger together into smallish cricket-ball-sized shapes. Place in the oven and roast for 25 minutes, which should leave the middle slightly pink and the outside nice and crispy. Serve with a griddled bun, a little salad, some gherkins, tomato salsa, a pint of Guinness and a bottle of Ketchup. Howzat!
The good thing about burgers is you can make them thin and big, fat and big, or even turn them into meatballs. In the early days of Cricketers, the pub where I grew up, I remember my dad used to serve a whopping great burger the size of a cricket-ball topped with a huge amount of Cheddar cheese and homemade tomato relish. He very classily called it the Botham burger.
That's what I love about Essex boys' sheer taste. Feel free to add extra spices if that's what takes your fancy, but here's a really solid basic beefburger recipe. I never thought when I became a chef that I would come back round to respecting the famous beefburger. Unfortunately it hasn't been on the pub's menu for about 10 years, what a shame. This might change Dad's mind.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
 
Cajun Spicy Rub
 
2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon black peppercorns, ground
2 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
3 tablespoons onion flakes
2 tablespoons dried oregano
Salt
Pound all the ingredients together until you have a powdery consistency and rub all over your chosen meat.
Yield: 1/2 cup
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 7 minutes
 
Fennel Seed, Thyme and Garlic Rub
 
4 tablespoons fennel seeds
2 good handfuls fresh thyme leaves
2 cloves garlic
1 bay leaf, ripped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Pound together and rub all over your chosen meat.
Yield: 1/2 cup
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes
 
Hot and Fragrant Rub
 
2 tablespoons fennel seeds, crushed
2 tablespoons cumin seeds, crushed
2 tablespoons coriander seeds, crushed
1/2 tablespoons fenugreek seeds, crushed
1/2 tablespoon black peppercorns, crushed
1 clove, crushed
1/2 a cinnamon stick, broken into small pieces
2 cardamom pods, crushed
Salt
Mix together the ingredients and smear over your chosen meat before leaving it to marinate
Yield: 1/2 cup
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 2 minutes
 
Rosemary, Garlic and Lemon Marinade
 
2 good handfuls fresh rosemary, pounded
6 cloves garlic, crushed
10 lugs (10 tablespoons) olive oil
3 lemons, halved, juiced and skin squashed
Freshly ground black pepper
Mix everything together and massage on to your chosen meat. Leave the meat in the marinade until your ready to cook it
Yield: 1 cup
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 5 minutes
 
Yoghurt, Mint and Lime Marinade
 
1 pint natural organic yoghurt
2 good handfuls of fresh mint, chopped
2 limes, zested and juiced
1 tablespoon coriander seeds, crushed
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
A couple of lugs (2 tablespoons) olive oil
Mix together the ingredients and smear over your chosen meat before leaving it to marinate.
Yield: 2 1/2 cups
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 3 minutes
 
 
Asian Marmalade
 
2 stalks lemon grass, crushed and bruised
1 small handful kaffir lime leaves, torn
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 thumb-sized piece ginger, peeled and chopped
1 fresh red chile, finely chopped
2 limes, zested, halved, and juiced
10 good lugs (tablespoons) olive oil
Scrunch the whole lot together in a bowl and coat over your chosen meat. Also works brilliantly with fish.
Yield: 1 cup
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 2 minutes
 
Seared Encrusted Carpaccio of Beef
 
1 heaping tablespoon whole coriander seeds, smashed
1 handful rosemary, finely chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Light sprinkling dried oregano
3 1/2 pound fillet of beef
1 handful ginger, peeled and finely sliced
2 to 3 red or green chiles, seeded and finely sliced
Good handful radishes, finely sliced
Small handful coriander, leaves picked, stalks finely sliced
Sesame oil
Soy sauce, to taste
2 limes, juiced
Pound the coriander seeds in a pestle and mortar, then mix the chopped rosemary, salt, pepper and oregano and sprinkle on a board or work surface. Roll and press the fillet of beef over this, making sure the meat is completely covered with the coating. In a very hot, ridged pan, or on a barbecue, sear off the meat for around 5 minutes until brown and slightly crisp on all sides. Remove from the pan. Allow it to rest for 5 minutes before slicing as thinly as possible and lay the sliced beef on a large plate. Gather the ginger slices and slice finely across into little delicate matchsticks. Flick these randomly over the beef with the chiles, radishes and coriander. Drizzle with a very small amount of sesame oil, some soy sauce and freshly squeezed lime juice.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
 
Slow-Cooked and Stuffed Baby Bell Chile Peppers
 
10 small, round baby bell chile peppers (cherry peppers)
Small bottle olive oil
2 good handfuls rocket (arugula)
1 good handful parsley
1 small handful capers, soaked and drained
1 handful anchovies
10 tablespoons balsamic vinegar or enough to cover
Salt and fresh ground black pepper
Halve the chiles, remove the seeds and then wash in cold water. Then drain. Tightly pack into a large earthenware dish and cover with the olive oil then place in the oven at 325 for about 45 minutes until tender. Carefully remove the dish from the oven and leave to cool. Take the chiles out of the dish. Pour the olive oil back into the bottle. This is great on salads, over mozzarella and other cheeses, on pizzas, or over pasta. Finely chop the rocket, parsley and capers. Roughly chop anchovies and then mix everything up in a bowl with balsamic vinegar. Season with salt and pepper. Stuff this filling into your bell peppers (cherry peppers) and serve on a plate as tapas.
Yield: 10 servings
Prep Time: 20 minutes
Cook Time: 45 minutes
 
Blackened Sweet Aubergine
 
4 firm aubergines (eggplants)
Pinch ground cumin
1 clove garlic, pounded to a paste
Extra virgin olive oil
2 or 3 lemons, juiced, or to taste
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Handful chopped cilantro, basil or parsley, optional
Preheat the oven to its hottest setting. Place aubergines (eggplants) in a tray and cook at the top of the oven for about 35 minutes, until the insides are very soft and the outsides dry and almost crisp. Remove from the oven, slit the skin and scrape out the flesh. Add cumin and garlic, stir in and break up. You can make this smooth or coarse, depending on how you like it. Add olive oil to loosen. Add lemon juice and season, to taste. I would never serve this hot but it’s great warm or at room temperature. If adding herbs do this at the last minute, roughly or finely chopped.
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
 
Sweet Chili and Pepper Salsa
 
Thinly sliced focaccia tastes great with this dip. It is perfect for drinks and parties.
2 red peppers
1/2 red onion, finely chopped
4 medium/large red chilies, seeded and finely chopped
1/2 clove garlic, finely chopped
8 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
1 handful parsley, finely chopped
1 handful basil, finely chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Grill the peppers whole, turning at intervals, until the skin is blackened. Place in a bowl while still hot and cover with plastic wrap. Leave them to steam (this makes it easier to remove the skin from the peppers). Skin, remove seeds and finely chop the peppers. Then add the remaining ingredients and mix well. Taste for seasoning. Leave for 1 hour to let the flavours develop. Check for seasoning before serving.
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
 
 
 
Apricot and Pistachio Tarte Tatin
 
7 ounces sugar
2 tablespoons water
10 to 12 apricots
1 3/4 ounces unsalted butter, diced
9 ounce slab puff pastry
Small handful thyme, leaves picked
Small handful shelled pistachio nuts, chopped
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (170 degrees C/gas 3). In a pan, simmer half the sugar with a couple of tablespoons of water until a light golden caramel has formed. Meanwhile, halve the apricots and remove the stones. Do not throw the stones away, I will explain why later.
Sprinkle the apricots with the remaining sugar, mix, and leave to sit for 10 minutes. The sugar will draw out the lovely juicy sweetness from the apricots.
Check the caramel sauce. If it is ready, remove from the heat. Stir in the butter and pour the sauce into a non-stick tart tin.
Whack the apricots on top and spread them out to cover the base of the tin. Now take about half of your apricot stones and bash them open. Inside you will find a nutty kernel, which tastes just like Amaretto, great for adding flavor.* Finely slice the kernels and sprinkle them over the apricots with half the thyme.
Roll out the pastry until it is just slightly larger than your tart tin. Cover the apricots with the pastry, pushing it right into the sides of the tin. Place the tart in the oven for around 25 to 35 minutes until pastry is puffed and golden brown.
When the tart is cooked, put a large plate on top of the tin and turn the tart upside down onto it. Sprinkle with the rest of the thyme and the pistachio nuts just before serving. Fantastic served with ice cream or whipped cream.
*Apricot kernels should only be consumed cooked, as they have trace amounts of nitrites in them, which are slightly toxic until roasted.
Yield: 6 to 8 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 55 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Sea Bass with Fennel and Olives
 
7 (8-ounce) sea bass fillets
2 handfuls purple and green basil and flat-leaf parsley, finely sliced
Good extra-virgin olive oil
Maldon sea salt
Freshly ground black pepper
1 or 2 heads fennel, halved and finely sliced
2 cloves garlic, peeled and finely sliced
4 large handfuls green and red chard, stalks finely sliced
Line a tray with greaseproof paper and rub it with olive oil. Score the skin side of the fish fillets (about halfway through the fish) and stuff with the herbs. Place the fish, skin side up, on the tray and cover with a few good lugs of olive oil and salt and pepper. Broil for 5 to 7 minutes until skin is crisp and fish is cooked through.
Gently fry the fennel and garlic with a pinch of salt in a good lug of olive oil, until softened and lightly coloured. Add the chard, with another pinch of salt, and cook until the stalks are soft.
For the sauce:
1 clove garlic, finely sliced
4 to 6 anchovy fillets
4 good tablespoons extra virgin olive oil
2 large handfuls of small black olives, stones removed
3 ounces half-and-half
Handful of flat leaf parsley, roughly chopped
To make the sauce, gently fry the garlic and anchovies in the olive oil until soft. Chop half the olives, keeping the other half whole and add these to the garlic and anchovies. Fry for another minute. Remove from the heat and add the cream and parsley. Season with a little pepper and add some more olive oil. Serve the fish and vegetables with the warm sauce poured over the top.
Yield: 8 servings
Prep Time: 35 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Sticky Chocolate Sponge Pudding
 
7 ounces sugar
7 ounces butter
7 ounces self-raising flour, sifted
1 rounded teaspoon baking powder
3 large eggs, preferably free-range
3 rounded tablespoons cocoa powder
8 tablespoons warm water
Handful flaked almonds
3 3/4 ounces cooking chocolate, broken up
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C / gas 4). Beat the sugar and butter until pale and fluffy. Sieve the flour and baking powder into the butter mixture. Add the eggs and mix it all together. Then mix the cocoa powder with 8 tablespoons of warm water, until smooth.
Fold the chocolate paste, almonds, and chocolate pieces into the cake mixture. Pour the mixture into a greased baking tin, spreading it out evenly. Bake for about 18 to 20 minutes.
For the chocolate sauce:
3 3/4 ounces cooking chocolate
3 3/4 ounces confectioners' sugar
3 3/4 ounces butter
4 tablespoons milk
Meanwhile, melt the chocolate sauce ingredients in a bowl over some lightly simmering water. Stir until blended well. When the pudding is cooked, remove from the oven and pour over the chocolate sauce while still hot.
Yield: 8 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Steak with a Spicy Rub
 
Good handful thyme, leaves left on stalks
Pinch cumin seeds
Small handful fresh oregano
2 cloves garlic, skin left on
Pinch Maldon sea salt
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 lemon, zested and chopped
8 (8 ounce) sirloin steaks
In a pestle and mortar, smash up the thyme, cumin seeds, oregano, garlic, and salt. Using your fist, bash the steaks to make them slightly thinner and larger. Add the olive oil and lemon zest to the spicy rub and smear this into each steak.
The steaks can marinate for 20 minutes to 8 hours. Fry the steaks in a pan, the time will obviously depend on how you like your steak.
Make sure you let the steaks rest for 5 minutes before you serve them, they will be much juicier.
Yield: 8 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 25 minutes to 8 hours
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Difficulty: Medium
 
Tomato and Runner Beans
 
1 1/2 pounds (750g) runner beans, sliced diagonally into 2-inch pieces
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
A few good lugs (ounces) extra virgin olive oil
1 (28 pound) can chopped tomatoes
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Steam the beans in a foil covered colander over your potatoes or blanch in salted boiling water until tender.
Whilst the beans are cooking, make a quick tomato sauce by frying the garlic gently in some olive oil. Add the tomatoes and bring to the boil.
Add a little salt and pepper and simmer for about 15 minutes until you have a thick tomato sauce. Season, to taste.
Stir the beans into the sauce until they are all covered
Yield: 6 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Mash
 
8 large potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
1/2 pint single cream (light cream or half-and-half)
3 good knobs (tablespoons) butter
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Pinch nutmeg, optional
Cook the potatoes in boiling salted water until tender.
Drain and mash until smooth. Add the cream, butter, seasoning, and nutmeg and mix well into your lovely mashed potato.
Yield: 8 servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: Easy
 
Slow-Roasted Leg of Pork with Spicy Scratchings
 
1 leg or shoulder of pork
3 tablespoons fennel seeds
3 tablespoons coriander seeds
Pinch dried chile pepper flakes
Maldon sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Extra virgin olive oil, plus extra for drizzling
1 bulb garlic, skin left on the cloves
1 handful fresh sage
1 handful fresh rosemary
Ask your butcher to remove and reserve the skin and bone from the leg of pork. To make the scratchings, cut the skin into two pieces and score incisions through each piece. In a pestle and mortar, crush half the fennel seeds with half the coriander seeds, chile flakes, and a pinch of salt. Sprinkle the spice mix over the top and finish off with another good pinch of salt. Pour a little olive oil over the pork skin and bake in the oven, on a rack over a tray to catch the fat, in a preheated 425 degrees F (220 degrees C/gas 7) oven until very crispy.
Make crisscross incisions all over the pork, on both sides. Crush the remaining fennel and coriander seeds with another good pinch of salt. Sprinkle over both sides of the pork, and finish off with a grinding of black pepper. Place the pork and garlic cloves in a roasting tray. Cover with a few good lugs of extra-virgin olive oil. Place the sage and rosemary in a pestle and mortar and gently crush together until they are lightly bruised and have released their flavours. Add 4 tablespoons of olive oil. Squeeze the flavoured oil over the pork and rub the herbs all over it. Cook in the oven in a preheated 400 degrees F (200 degrees C/gas 6) oven for about 4 to 4 1/2 hours. Any leftovers are great to use in sandwiches the next day.
Yield: 10 servings
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 5 hours
Difficulty: Medium
 
Summer Crumble
 
3 Bramley apples, quartered, cored and finely chopped
2 punnets (small baskets, or pints) blackberries
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
Small handful basil, chopped
5 heaping tablespoons sugar
4 heaping tablespoons flour
1/4 pound butter
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C or gas 6).
Put the fruit into the bowl with the balsamic vinegar, basil, and 2 tablespoons of sugar. Add a little more sugar if your blackberries are a bit sour. Mix and put aside to marinate.
Using your fingers, rub together the flour, butter, and the rest of the sugar (you can also do this in a food processor, just blitz until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs). I prefer to do this by hand as I like to end up with a nice rustic-looking crumble? with some bits bigger than others.
Put the fruit into an ovenproof serving dish or into individual dishes. Sprinkle the crumble mix over the fruit, making sure to pile more into the middle of the dish. Bake it in the oven for about 30 minutes, or until the middle of the crumble is evenly golden and the fruit has started to bubble up around the edges.
Yield: 4 servings
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Difficulty: Easy

Revision as of 06:00, 23 August 2011

‮User:Revenant‭
I hereby throw this page open to community editing, with the following restrictions: this notice must be preserved in some a visible form, as must an archive link, and I reserve the right to revert any change and tell you to knock it off should it meet my disapproval. Other than that? Go nuts, kids. ᚱᛁᚹᛖᚾ
Wikilaw.gif WIKI LAW
This user or group enforces Wikilaw, the highest law in the land.


Edit: please place all new editing under unique headers. Click [+] for ease.

• Revenant has left the building. (2011-3-21)
• Revenant has reentered the building. (2011-3-21)
• Revenant has left again. (2011-3-21)


Hello. My name is Inigo— er. Let me start again.

Revenant
Earth.jpg Where is Malton?
Revenant thinks that Malton is a producer of fine malt beverages, wherever it may be.
Aussieflag.JPG Australian
Revenant is Australian.
The Commissar Vanishes 2.jpg No Clean Feed
This user is against internet censorship in Australia.
Cheese.jpg Mmmm, cheese…
Revenant really, really likes cheese.
Coffee mug.jpg Coffee Addict
Revenant believes coffee is the NECTAR OF THE GODS.
Dopefish Lives.jpg Swim swim hungry!
Revenant belives that Dopefish lives and that it's still hungry.
Martini.jpg Sobriety
Revenant is currently in a quantum uncertainty state, and must be observed to determine sobriety. (Heisendrunk?)
ProjectEvil.png Project Evil Member
Fools! I'll destroy you ALL!
Stalker.jpg Stalker
Revenant stalks the Recent Changes page.
Formatting Nazi.png Formatting Nazi
Revenant is a formatting Nazi and will fix your lists, indents, links, template calls or other wiki-code without asking.
Flame.gif
Fire is Pretty
Revenant thinks that fire is pretty.
Cheating-dice.jpg Cheater
Revenant cheats. Deal with it.
Grave.png Improve Urban Dead
Katthew's Zombie Improvements should be incorporated into Urban Dead.
Globetrotters Icon.png MURDERBALL!!!
Revenant has caught Murderball fever and is currently contagious.
Gunen.png Goon
Revenant is to be shunned and persecuted for being a filthy goon from the Something Awful forums.
Nobrain.png Stupidity Tolerance
This user tolerates stupid people. It's not their fault.
BIgnorance.jpg Ban Ignorance
This user does not tolerate ignorant people. It is their fault.
Jormungandr.png Misconbitragnarok
This user can see the end fast approaching.

Revenant is my preferred handle, but, out of necessity, I frequently mutate into a variant of the name. Thankfully, I was able to grab the name on this wiki.

I enjoy an eclectic mixture of complexity and simplicity in many things. ᚱᛁᚹᛖᚾ


At some point I threw my use page open for community editing. Of course, the template I made to advertise this, User:Revenant/EditMe, has so far been much more popular for editing. Go figure. Nonetheless, feel free to vandalise improve this page (or that one!) to your heart's content.

Handle

What exactly is a revenant, you may ask?

French, from the present participle revenir 'to return', from Old French, see revenue.

revenant (plural revenants)

  1. someone who returns from a long absence.
  2. a supernatural being that returns from the dead; a zombie or ghost.

In a zombie game, being a revenant is extraordinarily appropriate. :)

Characters

See characters for more details. In various states of donation, idleness and play

Malton

Alan Corvus
buccaneering volunteer firefighter and amateur actor (HKL)
Victor Kapteyn
needle-happy know-nothing pr1ck (KN)
The Pirate LeChuck
gone though fire and rot and back (TS)
Duke D'oeuvre
debonair discursive dacnomaniac (LCGHC)
Al Gore Mortis
Malton's foremost anti-breather environmentalist (SAN)
Gaius Furius Pacilus
everyone's favourite censor – good morning tasty!
Rite Rev'd Revenant
carryover corsair cap'n and "priest" (MOB)
  • A here-unnamed troublemaker

Other

  • Two here-unnamed Monroevillains, one still living, one not (both idled)
Mr Cool No Pants
letting it all hang out (BPC)

Wiki

Originally learned wiki at Wikipedia. WikiGnome.

Projects

Testimonials & TRUFAX

Damn you, Revenant. Damn you to Hell.

Gus Thomas

Damn you, Revenant. Damn you to Hell.

AnimeSucks

The Blob hereby grants his holy assent to Revenant to govern Malton in his holy name, to use any likeness and image of the gelatinous master in efforts to enslave help the citizens of Malton. The Blob hereby commissions the Malton Mint to put the image of the Blob and his Mayor, the honorable Revenant on all currency. The Blob decrees all traces of Undead puppetry be stricken from the voting record so that only Misanthropy and Revenants honest and true campaign may be seen. While the sinister Kyle Style and Evil Jorm waged a campaign of mistrust, mud slinging and other sick games only filthy and unclean zeds could enjoy, Misanthropy and Revenant were kissing babies and making promises of tax cuts which we can all believe in. Revenant is uncorruptable and the Blob is pleased to see such a noble and upstanding citizen take office.

Dr Summeroff

Damn you! Damn you to my basement!

Grim s

Rev's the worst. If he's here, he's drunk. If he's not drunk, he's asleep. If he's not asleep, then maybe he'll be here, although late.

Banana

I am a voting for Mis cuz he's a cool guy and for Rev for being the ONLY candidate to try to be an actual politician. You know, actually campaigning, contacting voters, employing dirty tactics. During the 2012 election, when Obama knocks on your door, will you take him to court for spamming? Blasphemy!

Thadeous Oakley

Damn you, Revenant. Damn you to Hell.

Amber Waves of Pain

revenant cues up on a durability of 675 days

Dr Horse PhD


FFHoE.pngThe section formally known as Misc

Grim Reaper 300.gif Grim is a God
This User or Group believes that Grim should be nominated for sainthood, and placed on a pedestal with the other greats of our time.
Iamgrims.jpg
This user fears his wiki overlord(s).

MOBWiki.gif TalunexWikiTemplate.jpg Pai.gif FilmFestivalParticipant.gif PubCrawlParticipant.gif BitchesWikiTemplate.jpg

UDWiki IRC

No rumor could have exceeded the reality; the study was filled with cronies, the air heavy with tobacco smoke, trays with bottles containing every imaginable brand of whiskey stood about, cards and poker chips ready at hand--a general atmosphere of waist-coat unbuttoned, feet on the desk, and the spittoon alongside.

Zombie-Cat

Here kitty kitty kitty...

You are lying outside the Usher Building, a large magenta-stone building with a perfectly functional roof. You recognise it as not being owned by NecroTech. The building has been extremely heavily barricaded with a piece of paper. Somebody has spraypainted Cataracts onto a wall.

Since your last turn:
  • Zombie-Cat claws you in the face for 75 damage. (12 hours and 35 minutes ago) ...and again. (12 hours and 35 minutes ago) ...and again. (12 hours and 35 minutes ago) ...and again. (12 hours and 35 minutes ago)
  • You were killed by Zombie-Cat (12 hours and 34 minutes ago)
  • SilverMemory pets Zombie-Cat. (12 hours and 32 seconds ago)
  • Prima Giedi said "D'awwwww, can we keep it? Might need to clip its claws, though." (6 hours and 52 minutes ago)

This space for rent

Enquiries welcome.

Two Gentlemen of Lebowski

The moft excellent comedie and tragical romance of TWO GENTLEMEN OF LEBOWSKI. As writ by MR. ADAM BERTOCCI, Taking infpiration from MR. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE and the BROTHERS COEN. Prefented in FIVE ACTS. N E W Y O R K, 2 0 1 0. THE PERSONS OF THE PLAY CHORUS GEOFFREY “THE KNAVE” LEBOWSKI BLANCHE and WOO, two thugs SIR WALTER of Poland SIR DONALD of Greece BRANDT, serving-man of the Big Lebowski SIR GEOFFREY OF LEBOWSKI, the Big Lebowski BONNIE LEBOWSKI, his wife OLIVER, her consort JACK SMOKE, a cavalier MAUDE LEBOWSKI, daughter of the Big Lebowski JOSHUA QUINCE, a pederast LIAM O’BRIEN, his partner Two NIHILISTS PLAYER QUEEN MISTRESS QUICKLY, hostess of a tavern KNOX HARRINGTON, a tapestry artist DOCTOR BUTTS, a physician PLAYERS for a dance LAURENCE SELLERS CLOWN JAQUES TREEHORN BROTHER SEAMUS, an Irish monk A GRAVEDIGGER Prologue [Enter CHORUS] CHORUS In wayfarer’s worlds out west was once a man, A man I come not to bury, but to praise. His name was Geoffrey Lebowski called, yet Not called, excepting by his kin. That which we call a knave by any other name Might bowl just as sweet. Lebowski, then, Did call himself ‘the Knave’, a name that I, Your humble chorus, would not self-apply In homelands mine; but, then, this Knave was one From whom sense was a burden to extract, And of the arid vale in which he dwelt, Also dislike in sensibility; Mayhap the very search for sense reveals The reason that it striketh me as most Int’resting, yea, inspiring me to odes. (In couplets first, and then a sonnet brave As prologue to the tale of this the Knave. Behold him, then, a-tumbling softly down To pledge his love immortal to the ground.) We stray now from fair Albion and from France And see no Queen of bawdy songs and cheers And in an angel's city take our chance For stupefying tales to take our ears. To war on Arab kings acoast we go, Needing a man of times, though hero not; Hear me call him not hero; what’s in a hero? Sometimes there’s a man, your prologue’s thought. The Knave, though scarcely man of honour’d grace, Nor hero Olympian, nor yet employ’d, Was nonetheless for all his time and place, The man befits the circle he’s enjoy’d. A man of lazy ways, of epic sloth; But, losing train of thought, I’ve spake enough! [He exits.] 1.1 [THE KNAVE's house. Enter THE KNAVE, carrying parcels, and two THUGS. They fight] BLANCHE Whither the money, Lebowski? Faith, we are servants of Bonnie; promised by the lady good that thou in turn were good for’t. WOO Bound in honour, we must have our bond; cursed be our tribe if we forgive thee. BLANCHE Let us soak him in the commode, so as to turn his head. WOO Aye, and see what vapourises; then he will see what is foul. [They insert his head into the commode] BLANCHE What dreadful noise of waters in thine ears! Thou hast cooled thine head; think now upon drier matters. WOO Speak now on ducats else again we’ll thee duckest; whither the money, Lebowski? THE KNAVE Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse again. WOO What, thou rash egg! Thus will we drown thine exclamations. [They again insert his head into the commode] BLANCHE Trifle not with the fury of two desperate men. Long has thy wife sealed a bond with Jaques Treehorn; as blood is to blood, surely thou owest to Jaques Treehorn in recompense. WOO Rise, and speak wisely, man—but hark; I see thy rug, as woven i’the Orient, A treasure from abroad. I like it not. I’ll stain it thus; ever thus to deadbeats. [He stains the rug] THE KNAVE Sir, prithee nay! BLANCHE Now thou seest what happens, Lebowski, when the agreements of honourable business stand compromised. If thou wouldst treat money as water, flowing as the gentle rain from heaven, why, then thou knowest water begets water; it will be a watery grave your rug, drowned in the weeping brook. Pray remember, Lebowski. THE KNAVE Thou err’st; no man calls me Lebowski. Yet thou art man; neither spirit damned nor wandering shadow, thou art solid flesh, man of woman born. Hear rightly, man!—for thou hast got the wrong man. I am the Knave, man; Knave in nature as in name. BLANCHE Thy name is Lebowski. Thy wife is Bonnie. THE KNAVE Zounds, man. Look at these unworthiest hands; no gaudy gold profanes my little hand. I have no honour to contain the ring. I am a bachelor in a wilderness. Behold this place; are these the towers where one may glimpse Geoffrey, the married man? Is this a court where mistresses of common sense are hid? Not for me to hang my bugle in an invisible baldric, sir; I am loath to take a wife, or she to take me until men be made of some other mettle than earth. Hark, the seat of my commode be arisen! WOO Search his satchel! His words are a fantastical banquet to work confusion upon his enemies. There sits eight pounds of proof within; surely he hides his treasure on his person. BLANCHE Villainy! Why this confounded orb, such as men use to play at ninepins; what devilry, these holes in holy trinity? THE KNAVE Obviously thou art not a golfer. BLANCHE Then thou art a man to carry ball in his sack? Thou varlet, a plague upon your house; I shall return thy orb to earth. [He drops the ball] Thy floor cracks in haste, sir; thou art not a man of ample foundation. Woo? WOO Speak, friend; I am but of droplets. BLANCHE Was this not a man of moneys and repute? Did not Treehorn speak of chalcedony halls, and three chests of gold, as was hard food for Midas? What think’st thou? WOO O undistinguish’d man! We are deceived; this man has put not money in his purse. THE KNAVE Weep not for grief of my own sustaining, sir. At least I am house-broken, none to break the houses of others. WOO If dog you are, in time you’ll have your day; Waste time, but Jaques Treehorn will you pay. [Exeunt severally] 1.2 [The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to play at ninepins] WALTER In sooth, then, faithful friend, this was a rug of value? Thou wouldst call it not a rug among ordinary rugs, but a rug of purpose? A star in a firmament, in step with the fashion alike to the Whitsun morris-dance? A worthy rug, a rug of consequence, sir? THE KNAVE It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests. It sat between the four sides of the room, making substance of a square, respecting each wall in equal harmony, in geometer’s cap; a great reckoning in a little room. Verily, it transform’d the room from the space between four walls presented, to the harbour of a man’s monarchy. WALTER Indeed, a rug of value; an estimable rug, an honour’d rug; O unhappy rug, that should live to cover such days! DONALD Of what dost thou speak, that tied the room together, Knave? Take pains, for I would well hear of that which tied the room together. WALTER Didst thou attend the Knave’s tragic history, Sir Donald? DONALD Nay, good Sir Walter, I was a-bowling. WALTER Thou attend’st not; and so thou hast no frame of reference. Thou art as a child, wandering and strutting amidst the groundlings as a play is in session, heeding not the poor players, their exits and their entrances, and, wanting to know the subject of the story, asking which is the lover and which the tyrant. THE KNAVE Come to the point, Sir Walter. WALTER My point, then, Knave; there be no reason, if sweet reason doth permit, in enlightenment’s bower—and reason says thou art the worthier man— DONALD Yes, Sir Walter, pray, merrily state the fulcrum of thy argument. THE KNAVE My colleague, although unfram’d and unreferenc’d, speaks plain and true. That these toughs are those at fault, we are agreed; that I stand wounded, unrevenged, we likewise are agreed; yet you circle the meanings unconstantly, like blunted burrs, unstuck where they are thrown. WALTER I speak of aggression uncheck’d, as crowned heads of state once spoke of Arabia— DONALD Arabia! Then we have put a girdle round the earth. Of what does Sir Walter speak? WALTER Cast it from thy sievelike books of memory, Sir Donald; thou art out of thy element. DONALD Mine element? WALTER Wherefore was I curs’d only to minister To congregations held in deafen’d pits? I must hobble my speech; of elements, sir, A doctor of physic did once explain That all the earth is province elemental, Sure and steady as the stone-wall foursome A-holding up the Knave’s roof, tied together By power that we spake on, our traffic Unmarred by thy rough and idle chatter. And the complexion of the element In favour’s like the rug that ties the room. O, a muse of fire the first element, Airy breath the second; though this wind May well be yours for all you flap your tongue, O ill-dispersing wind of misery! Thou hast no wings, and, liable to plunge, You fit not fowl; yet foul your interruption, Fished for facts, yet fish you cannot be; So water, elemental third, you’re not, How much salt water thrown away in waste. Of earth, no woman left on earth will have thee, No man of middle earth will tend thy land, So walk the plains like to a lonely dragon; I care not. THE KNAVE Good sir, speak plain. I know not these villains, surely would I ne’er traffic with this man of Orient birth who so abused my rug. I have not the facility to present him with the rate of usance and demand money in kind for that which he has spent upon’t; so I entreat you, speak plain. WALTER I speak the truth; my words are straight and true. The man of Orient birth is not the issue. DONALD The Orient, Sir Walter? WALTER I speak, old friend, of truths in desert land. The hour is nigh to draw line in the sand. THE KNAVE Deserts? I had made it plain that he was Orient-man. WALTER Though words in haste be only human nature, ‘Orient-man’ is not preferr’d nomenclature. THE KNAVE Give me no further counsel; my griefs cry softer than advertisement. WALTER I speak of this other man, Sir Geoffrey of Lebowski. Is not thy name, sir, Geoffrey of Lebowski? To be or not Lebowski, that is the question; I see we still did meet each other’s man. Shall we not make amends? A gentleman of high sentence ought to be of unsequestered location, possessed of resources fit to restore a thousand rugs from vile offence. He’s not well married that lets his wife a borrower be, such that men gravely offended bespoil another man’s rug. Be I wrong? THE KNAVE No, but verily— WALTER Be I wrong? THE KNAVE Yea, but verily— WALTER That rug, in faith, tied the room together, did it not? THE KNAVE By my heart, a goodly rug. DONALD And in most miserable tide did this rogue besmirch it. WALTER Prithee, Donald! Thou too eagerly hold’st the mirror up to nature. THE KNAVE My mind races; I might endeavour to seek this gentleman Lebowski. DONALD His name is Lebowski? Verily, ope thine ear; that is thy name, Knave! THE KNAVE On good authority; and his nobleness must oblige. His wife taketh up quarrel and borrows, and they bespoil my rug. WALTER Marry, sir, my heartstrings do you tug; They urinate upon thy damnèd rug. [Exeunt severally] 1.3 [THE BIG LEBOWSKI’s castle. Enter THE KNAVE and BRANDT] BRANDT My lord is a man of accomplishment of many years, good traveling Knave; I pray you examine these honours and colours, proof of life well-lived. See here, the key to an old city, once defended against man and beast; and there, a commendation for men of business, bestowed not by the twelvemonth but by the mettle of the man. THE KNAVE Is that the Queen I see before me, render’d in oil-paints? BRANDT Indeed that is Sir Geoffrey of Lebowski, attending the Queen in humble fealty, during her blessèd reign; as Queen, I remind you, not as Princess. THE KNAVE Faith, an excellent tale. BRANDT I have not yet told all; indeed Sir Lebowski did counsel the King himself, it is said, though, alas!, uncaptured in timely artistry. THE KNAVE A man of many faculties. BRANDT As many as capabilities, yet always one to boost his reach. Here you may glimpse a record of his children. THE KNAVE A care-crazed father of a many children; it is a wise father that knows his own child. An excellent list for a man of no doubt excellent issue. BRANDT An amiable jest! Nay, I’d call’d his children his, but they come not of his loins, thou understand’st. THE KNAVE A cuckold, he? BRANDT A most subtle jest! Nay, but children of the inner city, of good promise, resolved to study but without the means. My lord resolves that they will all attend the university. THE KNAVE Verily!—Mine own years in the university hath fled my memory, though I recall some happy hours in the homes of various headmasters, the smoking of the pipe, breaking into the armory, and playing at ninepins. [Enter LEBOWSKI, on a cart. Exit BRANDT] LEBOWSKI Marry, sir!—You be Lebowski, I be Lebowski, ‘tis a wondrous strange comedy of errors. But I am a man of business, as I imagine you are; tell me what you’d have me do for you. THE KNAVE Sir, I possess a rug, that, i’faith, tied the room together— LEBOWSKI You sent Brandt a messenger on horseback; he inform’d me. Where is my fitting? THE KNAVE They sought thee, these two gentlemen— LEBOWSKI I shall repeat; you sent Brandt a messenger on horseback; he inform’d me. Where is my fitting? THE KNAVE Then thou art aware ‘twas thy rug, sir, that was the target of this crime. LEBOWSKI Was it I, sir, who urinated on your rug? THE KNAVE Not in person, sir—but if a man is his name, and his reputation his indelible inkstain, surely thy sea of care is tormented; what tongue shall smooth thy name? LEBOWSKI Make me to understand, sir, for you are slow of speech as I of step, and I am unsatisfied in motive. When any rug is micturated upon within these city walls, must I stand accountable? Or are you as one of a thousand rogues, fishing for sixpence betwixt another man’s pursestrings? Are you a labourer, Master Lebowski, earning that you eat, getting that you wear? THE KNAVE Let me not to the marriage of false impressions deny impediments. I am not Master Lebowski; thou art Master Lebowski. I am the Knave, called the Knave. Or His Knaveness, or mayhap Knaver, or mayhap El Knaverino, in the manner of the Spaniard, if brevity be not in thy soul nor wit. A Knave by any other name would abide just as well. LEBOWSKI Have you employment, sir? Surely you hope not to pledge fealty nor till the earth in such roughly fashioned armour, invested in thy motley, clad as a jack-a-dandy on a Sunday? THE KNAVE I know not; what week-day, friends, is this? LEBOWSKI I tire, and cannot tarry; I am more busy than the labouring spider, and dwell on the iron tread as a man of constant pursuits. Thus, I pray you, you this way and I that way. THE KNAVE I must protest; the Knave minds. This will not stand, this uncheck’d aggression; for your strength of mighty kings and masters of the earth did not keep your wife from owing, a borrower and a lender being. LEBOWSKI My wife is not the issue here. I toil in hopes that she will shed her frivolities, rash and unadvised, and live within her allowance, which is in very ample virtue. Her mortal failures are her burden, as surely as your rug is your burden, and, verily, the burdens of every man be his own, and ‘tis in themselves that they be thus or thus. I’ll blame none for the loss of my legs. Some man of Orient birth robbed them from me as spoils of war; faith, who stole my legs stole trash, and I sallied forth and achieved in any aspect. Some are born achievers, some achieve greatly, and some have achievement thrust upon ‘em. Beseech me not! THE KNAVE Ah, a pox upon’t! LEBOWSKI Indeed! “A pox upon’t!” ‘Tis your answer to everything. Your merry revels have ended, sir. Condolences. The rogues lost; the rogues have always lost, will always lose, and so it will be tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. [Exit LEBOWSKI; enter BRANDT] BRANDT Good Master Lebowski. Did you enjoy meeting my honourable lord? THE KNAVE Truly, sir, a gentle marvelous; He bade me take any rug in the house. [Exeunt] 1.4 [Outside LEBOWSKI’s castle. Enter THE KNAVE (with a Persian rug) and BRANDT] BRANDT I pray you, Knave, remember us in future visitations. THE KNAVE Faith, surely when next I travel in this neighbourhood, I will call upon his lordship’s good honour, and beseech his refreshment. [Enter BONNIE LEBOWSKI and OLIVER] BONNIE [sings] “With toe-nails of verdant and forester’s green With a hey-nonny-no and a hey-nonny-nonny Blow thrice on my toe-nails and I’ll be thy queen And ever preserve me as thine, blithe and Bonnie.” [to THE KNAVE] I pray you, sir, blow. THE KNAVE Marry! But here’s a lady of good interest, whose toe-nails are the very green of the common hump, where grass doth grow and where country lovers do foot. Whither shall I blow, maid? For I am but a traveling tumbleweed, and may well be carried by any wind, e’en south. BONNIE I mean only the wind in thine own maw in this case; blow, then, serve your turn and cool my hot temper. THE KNAVE Sayst thou that I must blow upon thy foot, painted lady? BONNIE I ask this deed of you thrice now; and that which a damsel craves constantly is the service of a tongue most moved in capability. Look to my foot; I cannot reach that far. Blow, wind! THE KNAVE I fear thy charms. Will not thy consort mind If I bestow his lady fair my wind? BONNIE Nay, there’s naught for which Oliver carest; He mindeth not, for he’s a nihilist. BRANDT Our court’s noble guest must not tarry, Lady Lebowski. THE KNAVE Lady Lebowski? Then thou art Bonnie? A merry wife indeed! BONNIE And a lady of good housekeeping and agriculture besides, minded to economy and all practicalities. Were thou to bring a gentle cock to mine bed-chamber, I might help him to success for ten shillings. THE KNAVE Such a lady of talents I have scarcely seen. BRANDT Yes, a most forthright jest! Free of spirit and good generosity, she is the nimble nymph of Neptune, and we mark her with good humour. BONNIE Free of spirit but ne’er free for flesh. Were I to regale thee with parts of my humour, I would not bid Brandt hear the play ere he paid a shilling himself. BRANDT Hark, a marvelous jest; but, I pray you, we dare not tarry. Come, Knave. THE KNAVE Yea, I shall come, and then return with money, Or lose the labour’d love of fair Bonnie. [Exeunt] 1.5 [The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER (with a dog), and JACK SMOKE, to play at ninepins] WALTER Thy tale is the stuff of dreams, and yet a waking dream of will. I had those words under a spreading tree in Jerusalem. THE KNAVE An I were dreaming afore, I care not, but do I dream anew? What manner of beast bringest thou to our nightly sport? WALTER Marry, ‘tis the remnant of a previous life’s nightly sport. That I was once a married man, thou knowest well; that the Lady Cynthia was a great lover of dogs, thou know’st in lesser degree; and the cur abandon’d has a tendency to dine upon chair-leg and oaken table, most retrograde to my lady’s desire. THE KNAVE Thou speakest in riddles. WALTER It hath been my charge to attend this cur ere my Lady Cynthia return ashore from a voyage to the islands, commanded by Sir Martin of Ackerman. THE KNAVE Thou bringest a cur to ninepins? WALTER I bring naught to ninepins. The dog is not attired by my hand to play at sport, nor do I fetch it ale, nor shall he throw thy bowl-turn in thy stead. THE KNAVE Why, this is lunatics! This is mad as a mad dog! Were I a cuckold of such horn, and a wench bade me mind her animal passions on maiden voyages, whilst men of lesser virtue did swim in foreign waters and seek the isle within the brook, marry, I would cry out “Go hang!”, and leave the cur to fall where he may. Canst she not board the beast with some gentle farmer or country shepherdess? WALTER I pray thee, speak not of marriage; for here a man calleth vinegar the wine he hath not himself imbibed. The cur is one of consequence, admired In circles of husbandry, with well-noted Documentation of his qualities; And if ‘twere spook’d, it might lose hide and hair. The cur hath parchments— THE KNAVE Hark, now bowls Jack Smoke. WALTER Thou cross’st the line! JACK SMOKE Your pardon, noble sir? WALTER Thou cross’st the line, Jack Smoke, O cavalier, As clearly demarcated in our rules, In tumbling past the throw. ‘Tis play most foul. JACK SMOKE But see the pins struck down in fair play’s course! Knave, mark thou mine eight pins; mark it eight. WALTER Not eight but l’ouef; you’ll mark it nought, O Knave, And so we carry on to the next frame. JACK SMOKE Peace, Sir Walter! WALTER Smokey, this be not the foul jungles of the darkest East Orient. This be ninepins. We are bound by laws. THE KNAVE Nay, Walter; the quality of mercy is hardly strain’d. But a fraction of his toe tripp’d over the line, not God’s line but man’s. Of late I have read much of toe-nails, meaningful, I grant thee, but of doubtable value. Suit the punishment to the action, and shame not Smoke in sport. WALTER O unrightful judge! This forfeiture is set in iron law As drawn by great authority of league. One roll might well determine that our side Advance to glory; or be instead retired As moss upon a tree-stump, while the Smoke Drifts out to glorious summer. Canst thou hear The call of robin redbreasts? If robin shall Restore amends, we must serve justice Here. Be I wrong? JACK SMOKE Yea, but— WALTER Be I wrong? JACK SMOKE Thy words are hard; I must equivocate. Put up thy pen, that I may mark it eight. WALTER Nay! I do protest, and draw my sword; It shall teach thee to disobey my word. Mark none but none into that bowler’s frame, Else thou shalt enter into a world of pain. A world of pain, think upon’t; unhappy world! A lake of fire, rich with damnèd souls, Gulfs of anguish ‘twixt vales of agonies. Mark me; we stand at twisted, jealous gates Of cast-iron, above which, in vulgar tongue, reads “Here is a world of pain, thou enterest thus.” My steel before thee, ‘tis the last of keys That might could lock these doors, and keep thee From this world of pain, or with one flick Ope its mashing maw, and summon winds To cast thee down within; an excellent key! Farewell to earthly delights, farewell to friends, To fellowships and follies and amends. The choice to spare thy passage through these trials Is thine alone; take heed, I entreat thee, And turn thy back upon this world of pain! THE KNAVE Walter, put up thy sword; tarry a moment. WALTER Hath this whole world been mired in madness? Remain ye men of faculty complete, Of full arithmetic and prudence fair, Attending to our noble bond and contract? Or does here stand the last remaining man To give a fig for rules and order yet, No noble savage, but a stave unbroken Who loves the law and bids it no misdeed. I’ll not be bent to lawlessness. Mark it nought, if we be men of honour. THE KNAVE Walter, too long we have tarried on public fields; the constable is notified. I pray you, sheath thy piece. WALTER Mark it nought, else I’ll none. JACK SMOKE Good Sir Walter, speak with reason! WALTER Dost thou think I tarry idly? Mark it nought! JACK SMOKE Yea, I shall yield, and leave it to your pleasure. Mark as thou wilt, in full and legal measure. [Exit JACK SMOKE. WALTER sits] THE KNAVE In sooth, Walter, thou hast wounded me horribly. Jack Smoke is cut of cloth alike my humour; Peaceable men we, for peaceable times, And Jack Smoke is a man of soft conscience. WALTER That he is conscious, I mark thee; I attend well. In tender youth I dabbled in a course To seek and hear moral philosophy. Encount’ring pacifism on that road, Though ne’er in Orient jungle, beshrew me; yet I thought upon’t e’en on fields of war. THE KNAVE Thou markest that Jack Smoke hath woes of mind. WALTER Faith, beyond pacifism? THE KNAVE He is a man of fragility, sir, and like to shatter. WALTER “Like”; yet I mark not his fragile dust, Nor saw him break, nor melt, nor cleave in two. The heated moment passeth, river-tide Below a bridge in Exeter. Speak, Knave, Are we not victorious in our sport? We progress as do rakes; or be I wrong? THE KNAVE No, thou speakest true— WALTER Be I wrong? THE KNAVE No, sir, thy speech is straight and true. But yet thou speakest not, for thou hast not spoken but brayed, in the manner of an ass. WALTER Fair; then I am an ass; let it be writ down that I am an ass. Then, mark well; the Knave and his partner, an ass, shall play again at ninepins in half a fortnight, their skills match’d against Joshua Quince and Liam O’Brien. They worry me not; they shall be o’er-pushed with certitude. THE KNAVE An we play again in seven days and seven nights, I pray you, be of good humour. WALTER “Be of good humour!” ‘Tis thine answer to everything. Mark: thy peaceable nature, while conceiv’d In upright spirit, meant for noble deeds, May cited be by devils for their purpose. Mark the Arab king in foreign land, The base Mesopotamian, who lieth with steed. Thou present’st to me a wall to hide behind ‘Twas born of truce in fear and frighten’d mind. THE KNAVE I pray you, be of good humour. WALTER I am as calm as still waters, Knave. THE KNAVE As steel waters, I’ll warrant; put up thy Icy blade! Crack not gory tales of war! WALTER My calmness exceeds thine. THE KNAVE Be of ease, I pray you! Be of good cheer, And let us not repeat what happen’d here! WALTER My calmness exceeds thine. But hark; here comes a visitor. [Enter BRANDT] BRANDT All hail, good sir, honour’d Lebowski, hail! ‘Tis I, one Brandt by name, humble servant still To he whose name you recognise so well. Wilt thou tarry with me a moment? Nay— Fear not—we care not for the rug. By carriage I would bring you to his lordship Secluded in his castle’s western wing, Saith none to any man or good counsel, Despondent to the last; thus I despair. I call on thine assistance, gentle Knave. THE KNAVE Thou hast spoke plain, and I shall be thy guest. Let us away to take Lebowski’s quest. [Exeunt] 2.1 [LEBOWSKI’s castle. Flourish. Enter THE KNAVE, with LEBOWSKI on his deathbed] LEBOWSKI Behold stark irony of hours dark. As night betakes my heart, I cast mine eyes Back across a lifetime of achievement, Of challenge met, competitors surmounted, Of roguish mankind’s obstacles o’ercome, Accomplish’d more than many dare to dream In idle wishing; yet, remarkably, Without the use of legs; these cursèd limbs Imprison me from stature as a man. But there’s the thing, I ask; what is a man? Be it reason, his faculty, his pose? His act or expression, his golden fire? I’d hear your mind, Lebowski; if you would. What maketh the piece of work of man? THE KNAVE Faith, a perplexing question; a man Might answer true, but I remain no man. I am a Knave, and thus unlike to know. LEBOWSKI Mayhap the measure of a man is found Not in his store, his pelf, but in the storm That tests him strong; the stabbing shocks of sin That fix his courage to the post, and ask If he be man, in times where men must stand As Job was ask’d, or Jonah i’ the fish, Ne’er to sit silent, but to be of parts. If man be man, he wears the mantle well, Prepared to stand upright—forgive my text— In tests that render price no virtue deem’d. THE KNAVE That maketh a man, in sooth; an a man were to lack those two tests in cause betwixt his stance, ‘twould be no man. LEBOWSKI You jest; but clowns can speak in truth. My reeling thoughts yearn for such simple counsel. THE KNAVE I aim to smoke of the pipe, if that betides your lordship’s right good health. LEBOWSKI Behold my trappings and my suits of woe; Alas for Bonnie! So loving to her, I; She is the light broke forth through yonder window, From which my life is seen anew, the Sun And Moon in equal measures, shining thus On souls starved sick for want of luminescence. And now do women’s weapons, water-drops, Stain my man’s cheeks; a marvel fair— But do you take surprise to mark my tears? THE KNAVE Harking, nay. If wetness be the cost of love, weep on. LEBOWSKI O, it is excellent to have an achiever’s strength, but, curious, hath not a strong man a strong heart? Nay—strong men also weep, the justice of the eyes severe, at once the infant, mewing with a woeful ballad. Mark, a messenger did bring me dark counsel ere noontime. [He gives THE KNAVE the note] THE KNAVE I mark thee; ‘tis text of rags and tatters. LEBOWSKI It is a note of foul and odious tenor, And hither have they sent it for her ransom. Of cowardice and folly, not of men; They who achieve not upon equal play Nor even sign their names are scarcely men, But weaklings, venial beggars, sinners all! THE KNAVE Most curious and monstrous note this is, Announcing they have captured Bonnie fair, And for her safe return we’d surrender A thousand pounds in pieces broke in eight. “Instructions following; no punning jests.” A foul, contemptuous deed! I mark thy pain. LEBOWSKI Of dark and cruel misdeeds I do know well. Sir Brandt shall make you known of the details. [Enter BRANDT] BRANDT My lordship’s malady—unhappy hour!— Forbids his action on this vilest act. He seeks thy services as courier To grant these thieves their ducats for their spoils According to their wishes; thou would be Offered a share in generosity. THE KNAVE Faith, a tempting offer; but wherefore doth his lordship seek my qualities? BRANDT He hath recall’d thy sorry episode Of rugs besoil’d, and villains in the murk. An viewing varlet visages might aid In rendering them punishèd, he sayst ‘Twere best to have that knows the face of sin And stands to tell the sexton that he sees. THE KNAVE Thou sayst his merry wife stands prisoner Of those who were relieved upon my rug? BRANDT What may be true, I say not yes or no Ere truth be found; in truth, we do not know. [Exeunt severally] 2.2 [The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to play at ninepins] THE KNAVE A strike, a very palpable strike! O, but Quince can roll straight and true. WALTER That he rolleth true, I cannot deny’t, but the man rolls not straight, for he is not a man to stand upright. I have it on good authority that he is one of perversions. Two seasons has he idled in prison for exposing his manhood to a pageboy. THE KNAVE My lands! WALTER When first he came upon the holy wood, he was made to stand in public gallows, and in such great letters as they write “Here is good horse to hire”, it was signified on his sign, “Here you may see a pederast.” DONALD What manner of man be a pederast, Sir Walter? WALTER Hold thy tongue, Sir Donald.—Knave, what measure of moneys were thou offer’d? THE KNAVE Twenty pounds for mine own, and the matter of the rug forgiven. They may summon me at any hour day or night. WALTER An they should call for thee in time of ninepins, and that would hang us. DONALD What is like to happen in time of ninepins, Sir Walter? WALTER Peace, miserable Donald; life will neither stop nor start at thy command. THE KNAVE My purse is as good as filled; here is money found with ease. I submit that the subtle lady may well indeed be her own kidnapper. DONALD I’d know thy mind further, Knave. THE KNAVE This be not the traffic of hardened thieves, Nor rug-pissers, nor ruffians o’ the night. Look well upon a lady fair, so happy fair, Who spurn’d her love for money, glitt’ring gold, Where, much deprived of ample gifts and treats Did scheme to steal a greater sum from some. In owing much to much of men about She sought devices to discharge her debt. WALTER O contemptible shrew! THE KNAVE As sure as what was said in Siberia; “Look well to he whose benefit abounds And knowest all,” as I have tried to say. DONALD I am flabbergasted, overbowl’d, As clumsy and unsettled as a walrus. WALTER O pernicious shrew! His wife’s a hobby-horse, deserves a name As rank as any flax-wench. DONALD I be the walrus. WALTER Hold thy tongue, Donald! Thy mind is Lenten. The quality of wealth has sicken’d me. An had I known that this would come to pass (O vilest strumpet! Sinner! Painted whore!) I might have tarried ere accepting service. War in far-flung jungles, as my friends Did die face-down in mire and muck and fens! THE KNAVE I see connection not in argument ‘Twixt Bonnie and the wars of Orient. WALTER ‘Tis not connected literally, as rope, But yet by stardust, thought-string, tears and hope. THE KNAVE Look well, my friend; there be no connection. Take to thy roll, thy play for our selection. [Enter JOSHUA QUINCE and LIAM O’BRIEN] QUINCE Hail, masters! I crave thine able readiness To be dealt with roughly, as the Sodomites. For men of sport have noted that our play In semifinal hour draws on apace. By Jove! I’ll wager well, Liam and me, To thrash thee soundly at the fair tourney. THE KNAVE Yea, well, that be, forsooth, thy opinion, sir. QUINCE Well; but be forewarn’d. It reach’d mine ears That combustible Walter, o’ercome with rage Did shed good sense, and raise his sword in play. I fear not such jade’s tricks, an seeing ill, Would snatch the burden from the jealous knight And pierce his gizzard with the wrongful steel, Points up, as said of Coriolanus. THE KNAVE Zounds! QUINCE Thou speakest rightly, sir. No man misdeals with Joshua Quince, by Jesu. [Exeunt QUINCE and O’BRIEN] WALTER Nay, fear him not, nor his unworthy joys. Recall the tragic tale of the pageboys. [Exeunt WALTER and DONALD] THE KNAVE Here I stand in sole on shrouded stage To contemplate the ninepins; fitting sport For men who serve to stand and then to fall. But soft; a noise is heard. Hark! Who’s there? Speak, if thou wouldst enter; I am no porter. [Enter MAUDE LEBOWSKI and her VARLET, unidentified. They strike him, and exeunt] THE KNAVE Again I am injured; wherefore do I attract The wrongful slings and arrows of the land? Who was’t, mystery woman, craved my blood? Who was’t struck my jaw for satisfaction? The fireworks do city lanterns make And soar I will, down staring with a smile Upon the place beneath; and seen ahead, A short-hair’d damsel rides a flying carpet From Arabian legend; here falls the Knave. In sooth, I’m weary. Let us have us a song. ‘Tis well; for I have song for such occasion, Reminded to me by befevered dreams Of man, and what doth maketh mannish mettle And what fair woman’s task be in the battle. [sings] “The man in me would undertake brave tasks With little recompense for which to ask. In truth, Jove send a woman such as thee Fain would discover true the man in me.” [Exit] 2.2 [A bridge. Enter THE KNAVE and BRANDT (with a sack of money)] BRANDT The eightieth minute passes since their call, Dispatch’d by emissary rough of speech. So Knave, I charge thee, heed their every word And obey all requests that they beseech. Thy charge is simple: wait here all alone, Let no man be companion to your quest. They spoke with crystal clarity; I dare Not tarry long, lest they think me your friend. What fate befell thy jaw, m’lord? THE KNAVE No mind. BRANDT Then take these golden coins to leave behind. Be wise and well, and heed the villains’ plans: I tell thee that her life is in thy hands. THE KNAVE Sir, I attend. BRANDT My lord did beseech me repeat that; hark well that her life is in thy hands. Her life is in thy hands, Knave; I will attend thy signal. Take pains. Be perfect. Adieu. [Exit BRANDT] THE KNAVE By troth! A life in hands as rough as mine, In hands design’d for dissolution harsh. What doth a Knave awake at witching hours? But soft. Look sharp. Here’s a strangeness indeed. [Enter WALTER, with a satchel] WALTER Hail, good knave! I see you stand to linger. Take of me this, I bring you here a ringer. THE KNAVE What devilry, sir? By whose direction found’st thou out this place? WALTER Hours at my store have I spent weighing the motives and sensations of this crime, whirling like the dervish of faraway civilities, to catch how the case was clad. Here in this satchel I have weighed out my mud-stained trousers, my dirty jerkins, foul French hose and assorted motleys. THE KNAVE By my life, I see not why thou hast thy soiled vestments. WALTER We will not wait upon mine answer; for the answer is weight. It is for the fullness of our pleasure that this very selfsame double look not empty, but in equal scale. THE KNAVE Is thy invention to call a hawk a handsaw? WALTER It came upon me to think, as if rising from a dream, wherefore it was our lot to settle for a measly twenty pounds. THE KNAVE Wherefore the “we”, the “our” in this hour? WALTER We could well own the thousand pounds in thy grasp, with no man the wiser. Be I wrong? THE KNAVE Yea, I’ll hazard all I have by it. At my word, Walter, this be not a jest. WALTER At thy word, Knave, ‘tis. Thou sayst she kidnapped herself. [Enter several NIHILISTS, below, concealed] NIHILIST Who’s there? Stand and unfold yourself. THE KNAVE Speak! I come carefully upon the hour. Steer us by the evening star. NIHILIST “Us”? Hold thy tongue, or tongues if be ye two; Your charge was to come in person only you. THE KNAVE Nay, I am one man, of several persons. For each man in his time plays many parts, His acts being two voices. Speak, friend! WALTER Knave, knowest thou the way to examine? THE KNAVE Peace, Walter! Thy presence does me ill. Her life is in our hands; they’re like to kill. WALTER Naught is bespoil’d; thou art not acting in the manner according to a Knave. This above all: to thine own self be true. Let him speak again. NIHILIST Hello there! WALTER Seest thou? Naught is bespoil’d. These rank villains are but amateurs. NIHILIST Be not rash, unadvised or sudden. Knave, we shall proceed this time of meeting, But do not feign, O witnesses above. Toss down thy coin, to me bescreen’d in night. WALTER Pass me the ringer, Knave; we’ll hand it down. THE KNAVE I love thee, Walter, but thou art a fool. [They throw down the ringer] WALTER Here is thy purse, varlets, thy cheated prize. The money’s ours. Quick, Knave, thy chariot; We’ll bowl in friendship ere the sun arise. Look sharp! A pox upon’t, Knave; let us play at ninepins. [Exeunt severally] 2.3 [The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER, to play at ninepins] THE KNAVE What hast thou done, Walter? What will we tell The big Lebowski, who loves his wife so well? I trust thee not for scheme and subtle gore; The first thing they do, they’ll kill the woman poor! WALTER Poor woman! Poor wench! You prattle on, O Knave! Her captor and her self are the selfsame. As so thou spake; and so still I believe. She’s no abused victim, but a thief. THE KNAVE Thou heardst me wrong; I said in idle thought She might have selfsame-stole; but whence the proof And certitude thou hast to light this act? What if thy certainty is all in vain? Retain thy state and in consideration check If majesty has fallen now to folly In hideous rashness. WALTER I do assent My certitude is one hundred per cent. [Enter DONALD] DONALD The jousts and games of sport continue on; The looming tourney plans are posted high And stand recorded in this schedule writ. WALTER Donald, hold thy tongue—no, stay, I err. When do they set our match of open air? DONALD Faith, we face Joshua Quince and the Irishman this very Saturday. WALTER Saturday! Unhappy fortune. Something was forgotten in the state of office. A calendar, a calendar! Look in the almanac; find a date uncancell’d by destiny. What manner of fool is he that scheduled this date? I did take pains to disclose my unavailability. DONALD Marry, ‘twas Burkhalter. WALTER A German, all slops, or low Dutch; thrice I made him to know that I roll not on Saturday. DONALD But posted it be; what’s done cannot be undone. WALTER They shall unpost it, by my life! THE KNAVE I care not, Walter—what of that poor woman? WALTER Peace, Knave; she will tire of her little game anon, and wander back in the manner of the punished cur, tail between her legs. DONALD Wherefore thou playest not at ninepins on Saturday, Sir Walter? WALTER On our most holy Sabbath I am sworn To keep tradition, form and ceremony. The seventh and the last day rests the Jew; I labour not, nor ride in chariot, Nor handle gold, nor even play the cook, And sure as Providence I do not roll. Hath not a Jew rights? Hath not a Jew hands, Organs, bowling-balls, Pomeranians? If you schedule us, must you not do right? If we step o’er the line, do we not mark it nought? The Sabbath; I’ll roll not, God-a-mercy. THE KNAVE I’ll to my car; I must leave this place. I tire of these arguments and japes. DONALD Stay, Knave; I’d hear of how ye handed off to criminals their accursed spoils. THE KNAVE There is naught to tell. All is lost. They did not get their money, and they will kill— WALTER Yea, they will kill the woman poor. Alack the day! They will kill the woman poor. Alas, poor woman! They’ll kill her well. DONALD Walter, how dost thou proceed upon the Sabbath? WALTER Knave, I stand surprisèd, gall’d, gull-crack’d. They will kill none, harm none, say none, do none. Amateurs they, I’ll take it to my grave, And all Lebowski’s money shall be thine. Be I wrong? THE KNAVE Walter, thou hast erred. WALTER Nay! For thou hast money in our car, And they have taken linens mine afar! My ragged hose bespoil’d, my dirty whites, My breeches and my foulest-smelling tights! THE KNAVE Hark! Look now to where my ride was parked. There it’s not; the space is free and dark. DONALD Prithee, Walter, who hath thy breeches? THE KNAVE Ruined! Poor stolen car in a dead man’s space. My kingdom for a horse to catch these dogs! The money, gone—mine only transport, gone— They’ve robb’d me of that which enriches me And left me poor indeed! Howl! Howl! Howl! Howl! Call up the watch! O villainy, villainy! O, I am fortune’s fool, lost all, lost all! [Exeunt WALTER and DONALD; enter MAUDE] THE KNAVE You there, close-cropped woman all in green. Be you shapes and tricks or vile apparition, Say, why is this? Wherefore? What should we do? See you the shameful souls of stridence sick Plunder’d my argosies most grievously? MAUDE Nay, poor clown, you remember me not. By Maude Lebowski I am called in faith. I came to you by night in this same place To be revenged for your ill-gotten prize. Your jaw was punch’d, your rug whiskèd in haste Not hours after you had brought it home. I’d have you be my guest in my abode, My studio of arts, my academe. THE KNAVE Lo, the rug Lebowski gave to me? Thou art the lady caused me injury. So I’ll with you to see about my carpet, And hope for fairer wind about my chariot. [Exeunt] 3.1 [An artist’s studio. Enter THE KNAVE and MAUDE] MAUDE If by my art, my curious friend, I have Put the wild notions in a roar, so be’t. What think you on the female form, O Knave? The woman’s part in me so gallantly Manifests itself within in mine art Commended by the wise as country work; I paint only those of my own sex. The very word is said to bother men, Discomfort them, encircled in their ring. It is the very painting of discomfort, Two legs without a head. I say no thing. THE KNAVE I take no awkward pause, nor balk nor stare, But only ask, askance, what art this is. I see no ring to mar if I would kiss’t, But only oily painting I might stain. The Knave deciphers nothing in its image; Thy work has made a nihilist of me. MAUDE In faith, the art is only what you will, And if the word can poison not your ear Then you’re in luck; some men of lesser stuff Dislike to hear it, dare not speak its name. Whereas without a flicker of his eye A man might speak of King Richard the Third, Or pose an idle sonnet on his rod, Or praise the wit of his selfsame Johnson. THE KNAVE As Benjamin Jonson, lady? MAUDE Let us speak plain and to the purpose. My father bade you take the rug, but that you chose was, in faith, a gift of me to my departed mother, the happiest gift that ever marquess gave, and thus not his to make a rich and precious gift of. But trifles, trifles; let us speak of this supposed kidnapping. It hath the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. THE KNAVE Permit me to explain about the rug— MAUDE What cares have you, Lebowski, upon love? THE KNAVE Alack, lady, thy question does me vex. MAUDE The physicality of making love; I’d have you tell me if you like it well. A myth persists on women of my stripe, That our body politic renders us in hate Of acts of love; a most injurious lie. The enterprise can have in it much zest. But men who walk with satyrs in the morn And women swimming nightly ‘twixt the nymphs Are punished by Oberon for sin And do the deed compulsively engaged, Sans joy, sans love, sans everything. THE KNAVE Prithee nay! MAUDE So damn’d a soul is Bonnie; I have heard That lustful creatures sitting at a play Have by the cunning language of the scene Been struck so to the soul that presently They have proclaim’d their infatuations. I’ve had these players make their show for you; Suiting the action to the word indeed. It shall be called “Log Jamming”, because It hath bared bottom; but hark—the players. So please your grace, the Prologue is addressed. [Enter OLIVER as the PLAYER KARL HUNGUS, BONNIE as the PLAYER WHORE and a PLAYER QUEEN] PLAYER QUEEN Two women, both alike in beauty, In fair Verona where we lay our scene, From broken cable break to new nudity, Where civil breasts touch civil hands unclean. The which if you Jaques Treehorn’s play attend, What this fine miss and whore shall strive to mend. THE KNAVE She hath rid her prologue like a rough colt. MAUDE Such riding you will see the like of, so as to form the beast with two backs. But hark; here is the poor player that struts and frets to play Karl Hungus upon the stage. OLIVER I rode to thee dispatched with all speed. The cable broke, the holding-anchor lost. THE KNAVE Marry, I know that man; he is a nihilist. MAUDE And is her face familiar to you; Familiar and by all means vulgar? BONNIE Knock, knock! Never at quiet. Here’s a man of repair; I should have old turning his key. Hark to my noble kinswoman, here to travail in a shower brought up by a tempest of the soul. PLAYER QUEEN Hast thou, traveler, perform’d to mend the cable that she bade thee? MAUDE This is the silliest stuff that ever I heard. THE KNAVE I wonder if he be to fix the cable. MAUDE Be not fatuous, Geoffrey. It matters not A fig to me if Bonnie be a whore, Nor that she courts the merry Jaques Treehorn, To use the happy parlance of our times. But our good name Lebowski is such stuff As dreams are made on for a host of youth Whose education our foundation builds, And proud we are indeed of all of them. My father stole much money from these babes To pay the thieves to purchase back his wife, The fornicator, devilry-compulsed, Hath took my father on her sinful ride. As for thy rug, I charge thee with a task; My father’s crime too loathsome for police, His scandal being ruinous to our name, I bid thee find the money that thou pass’d These villains and return it to my keep; I’ll pay thee handsomely in fine reward That thou canst purchase any rug thou wilt. THE KNAVE The task is right in purpose and in law, But wherefore didst thou crack me on my jaw? MAUDE Pardons, good Geoffrey. I know of a learned doctor who wilt examine thee. Thou wilt receive no bill. He is an honourable man, and thorough. THE KNAVE Thy thought is kind. MAUDE See the doctor, he’s honourous and thorough; After thou returnst to thy good borough. [Exeunt severally] 3.2 [Upon the road. Enter THE KNAVE, sipping a White Russian; opposing, enter BRANDT and LEBOWSKI (on his cart)] LEBOWSKI Speak, and speak quickly, foul vagrant! THE KNAVE I beseech ye, there is a beverage here. BRANDT Our attempts to reach thee have been frantic and numerous, Knave. LEBOWSKI Whither my money? They did not receive the money. Thou liest, thou shag-haired villain! Thou odious maggot! Her life was in thy hands! BRANDT Verily, this be our concern, Knave. THE KNAVE Pray, naught is bespoil’d here— LEBOWSKI Naught is bespoil’d? Zeus’ noble chariot hath crashed into yonder mount! THE KNAVE We, forsooth, the “we” of royalty, Did drop the money as instructed hence. But certain things revealed to breaking light, Occurring not to ye; of nature such That blaming me will win ye not the lass. LEBOWSKI No more; the text is foolish. What are these New things you prattle of, O blith’ring fool? THE KNAVE I speak of information borne anew! I blither of the new stuff come to light! Know ye she kidnapped herself? ‘Tis true! A lady happy fair, spurn’d, thou knowest, In the parlance of our time, ne’er borrower Nor lender be, to known nymphs and satyrs; Yet I am well, I am well. She must feed A wilderness of monkeys; occurr’st that? LEBOWSKI In faith, Master Lebowski, it occurr’d not. BRANDT It had not occurr’d to us, Knave. THE KNAVE That it occurr’st not to ye, I forgive, for ye be privy not to the new stuff; that is why I am charged. As such, might we speak of settling accounts? Mine equerry feareth for mine excises. LEBOWSKI Present to him the worst and least wholesome envelope, Sir Brandt. [BRANDT gives the envelope to THE KNAVE; within, a toe] O Knave! Since thou hast failed to achieve The brief and modest task that was thy charge, Stolen my pelf, and still betray’d my trust, I’ve told these varlets thou hast took their prize, Encouraged them to seize their bond from thee. With good Sir Brandt as witness to my vow I promise thee that any harm to Bonnie Shall visit tenfold time upon thy head. Ope thy parcel, sinner! See her toe, Chopp’d off from her and still bepainted green. Now it is said; ‘tis all thou needs must know— For I will not abide another toe. [Exeunt severally] 3.3 [A tavern near the bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER] WALTER My lord, I do deny it is her toe. THE KNAVE Whose toe be it, if not my lady’s toe? WALTER Vexatious problem that, but not of heft. There’s naught to indicate the lady’s harm’d. THE KNAVE The fresh green paint of fair Miss Bonnie’s nail! WALTER Marry, sir, nail-painting, rugs and urine. A man may paint the white toe green, tell her, Paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come. THE KNAVE And where might a man fetch a toe? WALTER O toe! Thou wouldst have a toe? A toe can be obtain’d. Ways are known, Knave. Thou wilt not like to hear. I’ll have a toe for thee this afternoon Ere singeth cockerel at three o’clock. These amateurs would have us soil’d with fear. THE KNAVE They’ll kill her, Walter, ere they turn on me. WALTER Thy stress is great, my friend; thy reason not; This be a string of crime-craft victimless. THE KNAVE But thou hast not explain’d the cursèd toe! WALTER I pray you, think no more upon the toe! [Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY] MISTRESS QUICKLY I remind thee, sirs, to acquire and beget a temperance that may give thy voices smoothness, trippingly on the tongue. This tavern be a place of family business. WALTER Nay! The Courts considered prior restraint And smote it thus; I’ll speak my chosen piece. MISTRESS QUICKLY If patience cannot calm thy storm forthwith Fain would I bid thee leave my tavern-door. [Exit MISTRESS QUICKLY] WALTER My friends did die face-down in mire and muck That you and I might trade within these walls. THE KNAVE Nay, I’ll none; I take my leave without. [Exit THE KNAVE] WALTER Knave, prithee stay! This doth affect our tale! Our freedom’s base! I’m finishing my ale. [Exit] 3.4 [THE KNAVE’s house. THE KNAVE is in his bath] THE KNAVE I am conducted to a gentle bath. Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this Knave Clean from the land? [Alarums. Enter OLIVER and the two NIHILISTS, bearing a marmot] Forsooth! This be a place Of residence, and much a private place.— O excellent marmot! OLIVER Anon, we crave the money, Lebowski. We speak in neither jest nor fallacy. We could do such stuff as dreams do feature, Believing in nothing; empty and void. Tomorrow if thou hast not the ransom We shall recourse, and cut off thy Johnson. [Exeunt severally] 3.5 [The tavern at the bowling green; enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to sit at the bar] THE KNAVE My car is found, but treasure none within’t, Although the constable has sworn to find’t. My inquiries of leads led him to mirth As if my misery and woes to scorn. O piteous Knave!—My only hope remains That in his anger, the Lebowski big Kills me ere these Germans cut my lance. WALTER Ridiculous, good Knave. Thou knowest well That no man makes thee eunuch while I live. Naught hath changed; these German swine are cruel, Three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses, Mere usurpers, tyrants and what’s worse. DONALD Were’t they tyrants, Knave? WALTER They meant to geld the lily, Sir Donald! Split never hairs tonight. Or be I wrong? THE KNAVE Nay; not tyrants. Nihilists to a man. They believe in nothing; nothing will come of’t. WALTER Nihilists! I am beshrewn. Say what thou wilt Of fascist tenets, Knave; it seeks to stand Philosophy and politic, not void. And let it noted be that wildlife kept, Amphibious rodent, in domestic walls, Is retrograde to right and civil laws. THE KNAVE Art thou a forester? A woodcutter yet, or shepherd of the flock? Who cares a fig for th’accursed marmot? WALTER I speak only to sympathise, Knave. THE KNAVE I need no sympathy, no emotion. That I need is only my Johnson. DONALD Wherefore needest thou thy Johnson, Knave? WALTER Be of good cheer, friend. Wouldst thou enter the tourney so sad? THE KNAVE A pox upon the tourney! And thee, Walter! I might have escaped this with few pains But for the shock of stench upon my rug. Now I am cursed with damages tenfold In seeking counsel from so great an ass. WALTER “A pox upon the tourney,” he declares. Come, then, Donald; we’ll leave him as he fares. [Exeunt WALTER and DONALD] THE KNAVE O, that mine two, two solid friends would leave Me to resolve myself on what to do. Two noble kinsmen, nay?—Another ale. Why, then, the Russian White my only drink; Let’s drink together friendly and embrace. [Enter the CHORUS] CHORUS What sayst thou, Mistress Quickly? Hast thou a goodly beverage, brewed of sarsaparillaroot? MISTRESS QUICKLY [without] As brewed in the city of the base Indian. CHORUS Ay, there’s a good one. How fares the Knave? THE KNAVE So foul and fair a day I have not seen. CHORUS Such a day, I mark thee, whereupon the winter of our discontent is ne’er made glorious summer. A gentleman wiser than myself did say that on some such days, thou exits, pursued by a bear, and on others, the bear exits, pursued by you. THE KNAVE By my troth, a good philosophy. Was’t of the Orient? CHORUS Nay, far from it. I mark well thy fashion, good Knave. THE KNAVE And I thy fashion, stranger. CHORUS Many thanks. If I may crave a boon, may I request That thine ungracious mouth be less profane, Spoke less in cursing word, and more in craft? THE KNAVE What dost thou speak upon, O damned fool? CHORUS I jest; well-spoken, Knave. Be of good ease; Exeunt now, the tumbling tumbleweeds. [Exeunt] 3.6 [MAUDE’s studio. Enter THE KNAVE and MAUDE, with KNOX HARRINGTON] THE KNAVE What manner of man is this pilgrim strange, Who sits upon my lady’s couch and laughs As if in private humour of his own. What is thy trade; what secret craft is thine? KNOX HARRINGTON You know. ‘Tis nothing much to look upon, Matters of no import. A bit of this; A little bit of that; O, how I laugh! MAUDE Geoffrey, thou hast not seen doctor skill’d Whose studio I asked thee to attend. Hast thou heard news of money yet recouped? THE KNAVE In sooth, I must confess I was waylaid And fear I must resign the charge at hand; Oliver hath persuaded me to rest. MAUDE He is a hired player and a fool, An actor poor, unexcellent musician, Who’d play abductor for this fiendish plot. Thou knowest well this woman is in health, No more a victim than she mother’d me. THE KNAVE This case perplexes me in complex course, With many ins and many outs and strands. KNOX HARRINGTON Most mirthful! I’ll titter thus upon’t. THE KNAVE Beshrew me, who is this gentleman, Maude? What manner of man be he, to parlay in thy parlour? MAUDE Knox Harringon, the tapestry artist. Geoffrey, thou hast not seen the doctor, and I fear for thy bruise.—Enter, doctor! [Enter DOCTOR BUTTS] MAUDE I would not be to blame for pains delay’d. And yea, he is an honourable man, and thorough. Examine him, good doctor, as thou wilt. DOCTOR BUTTS Do slide thy shorts down, Master Lebowski. THE KNAVE ‘pon my life, I was stricken on the jaw. DOCTOR BUTTS I understand; but thou must slide thy shorts. MAUDE Come, Geoffrey. While the good doctor examines, I’d have a song, if it pleases thee. THE KNAVE [sings] “Imagination setteth in To maketh man to wish to sing, Hey-nonny-no, looking out my back door; Bother me tomorrow For today I buy no sorrows. Hey-nonny-no, looking out my back door.” [Exeunt severally] 4.1 [A playhouse. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to hear the PLAYERS] WALTER Come, Knave; I’d hear the balance of thy tale. Inside thy car didst thou detect some trace By villains left, who deprived it of goods? No ghost of guilt, identity betray’d By careless thieves who cover’d not their tracks? THE KNAVE I found a document, so roughly writ It troubled me to make good sense of it. Of school-days’ friendship, childhood innocence, A paper writ in study by some churl Of youth not born under a rhyming planet. ‘Twas lesser verse composed and badly hewn, Concern’d the King of France, and purchased land, And though I am a weakish speller, I Detected errors mark’d throughout in hand Of headmaster despair’d, in ink so red At first the Knave had thought that he had bled. WALTER In faith, I will examine me this text And see if by its hand its maker’s traced. Hark; here’s the name of its rude author, One Laurence Sellers, living in the north. He liveth near a tavern, in and out Reputed for the searing of beefsteak. DONALD Those be fine beefsteaks, Walter. WALTER Hold thy tongue, Donald; I’ve not said all. The varlet is a youth whose father stands A titan in the world of hired players, A playwright, Arthur Digby Sellers call’d. His plays renowned throughout the continent, Bulk of the series, Knave, and no lightweight. How tragic that his son doth prove a dunce! An north we proceed, once concluded be The merriment of this performance piece— DONALD Then might we dine on beefsteaks, in and out? WALTER Hold thy tongue, Donald, I pray thee; thou art a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to thy wit. Yea, we shall brace the kid; he shall be o’er-pushed with certitude. We shall take what moneys he hath not spent, and yea, we shall be near the place of good repute, to feast on beefsteaks, have some ales and merry jests. Our troubles be over, Knave. [Exeunt] 4.2 [Outside a castle in the north. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD] THE KNAVE Alack! Regard this finest car without; The child hath spent the bulk of money mine On yon conveyance, like a corvette ship To sail on simpler waters than I swim. WALTER Not so; such goods seem costly, but in sooth, The vehicle’s but three or four percent Of all thy gains ill-gotten that may stand, Depending on the trappings. Donald, hold; We’ll speak with young Laurence, and circle swift. Ho, squire Laurence! Reveal thyself and chat. [Enter LAURENCE] WALTER Thy father suffers problems with his health And writes no more—a shame on it, say I, For on a level personal his works Were muse to me; I was a man to love The early episodes birth’d of his quill. Thou art a writer, Laurence, as I’ve read, Though one of orthography correctèd. [He raises the document] Thou art a lad of years mayhap fifteen, At once a lad and coming to a man Who’s wise, I trust, to welcome not police, Constabulary actions being harsh. Is this thy parchment, Laurence? Tell me true. Is this thy parchment, Laurence? Tell me plain. THE KNAVE Be quick, Sir Walter! Ask of chattels bought. Ask if that fine corvette without be his. WALTER Is this thy parchment, Laurence? Home-work thine? THE KNAVE We know that well, Sir Walter! His it be! Whither the money, varlet, mewling spawn? WALTER Demand him nothing. What we know, we know. From this time forth he never will speak word. Hark, Laurence, hast thou studied of a place Of Orient jungles? THE KNAVE Walter, prithee nay! Zounds, Sir Walter! No more talk of this. WALTER Youth, thou art entering a world of pain. We know this document is home-work thine, And that thou stealest cars— THE KNAVE And monies too! WALTER And monies, and this is thy home-work, boy. Wherefore silence? What impudence is this? Thou art killing thy father, Laurence! O! This hath no end; he never will speak word. I take thy parchment back, and turn to plans Of secondary contingence. Look well. Behold thy car, the corvette, crimson-stain’d, And see what befalls sinners evermore. [He raises his sword, and smites the car] This befalleth when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks, Laurence! Understand’st thou? Dost thou attend me? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?! [Enter CLOWN] This be what befalleth, Laurence! This be what befalleth, Laurence! CLOWN What hast thou wrought, thou man of province strange? The corvette be my purchase yester-week; Alas! My car, admired, baby mine. My car hath shuffled off this mortal coil. WALTER Marry, an honest blunder; I knew this not to be thine. CLOWN I maketh thee to shuffle off this mortal coil, man! Nay, I’ll be revenged in proper recompense, suiting the punishment to the action, the action to the punishment; I maketh thy car to shuffle off this mortal coil! [He raises his sword, and smites THE KNAVE’s car] THE KNAVE No! Thou hast trespass’d wrongly; that be not Sir Walter’s conveyance, but mine own! CLOWN I maketh thy car to shuffle off this mortal coil! I maketh thy accursed car to shuffle off this mortal coil! DONALD Faith! I sit within, and cringe in fear; What fools these mortals be that tarry here! [Exeunt] 4.3 [The castle of JAQUES TREEHORN. Enter THE KNAVE] THE KNAVE Here I stand on quarters unfamiliar, A pad of land of quality unspoil’d, Having dined on beefsteak on the journey In and out; and whereupon Sir Walter Tender’d his apologies remorseful, Hoping that I might have made it home, Wond’ring still if Laurence may have crack’d. Upon my homeward coming I was met Harshly by these ruffians of note Who’ve trafficked in my house; I like them not. [Enter BLANCHE and WOO] BLANCHE Again we meet, Lebowski, who thou art; And yea, we know of which Lebowski art Thy deadbeat frame. WOO So do attend, O sprite; Thou dealest not with fools this wicked night. [Exit BLANCHE and WOO. Flourish. Enter JAQUES TREEHORN] JAQUES TREEHORN Good Knave, my thanks for travels thou hast made; By Jaques Treehorn I am called in name. I bid thee welcome to my humble home And beg thee take a beverage of thy choice. THE KNAVE The brew of whitest Russia I would sip If thou hast rum. How fares thy working trade? JAQUES TREEHORN A playwright and theatre-man am I, With tendrils dipp’d in lakes of many stripes, In printed words, in dumb-show and in court. THE KNAVE Which be “Log Jamming”? JAQUES TREEHORN Thou readest my regret; The playhouse is a place of disrepair. When rude mechanicals may gather nights To play in interludes most amateur, We cut the very wheat from our fair crop And make poor sport of spectacle and tale, With no more tears in the performing of’t. Thy brain hath in the function of its power The zone where faith is firmly fix’d in love, Richer than all thy tribe in other parts. THE KNAVE On thee, mayhap. JAQUES TREEHORN The brightest heaven of invention May yet compass wonders fit for devils In greatest fair effects of future hopes. Such plays may well transport us all beyond This ignorant present. THE KNAVE Faith, an excellent dream; But I still read Ben Jonson manually. JAQUES TREEHORN Ay, there’s the rub. I pray thee, Knave, to hear The purpose of my night’s invitation As brought thee to my seat. Where is Bonnie? THE KNAVE O irony; I thought that thou couldst know. JAQUES TREEHORN My mind is slate and sky-dark; the lady Only ran off to flee her debt to me, A bond, a sizable bond. THE KNAVE But she ran not! JAQUES TREEHORN I know thy troubles, Knave, the tangled web Woven upon the practice to deceive. An thou robbest her husband, I care not. How goes the world, that I am thus encountered With clamorous demands of broken bonds And the detention of long-since-due debts? THE KNAVE Well spoke; but sir, there many facets be. The parties of interest are of scope And multitude in number. What’s for me, What of the Knave, if he retains thy gold? JAQUES TREEHORN The tenth part of the plunder shall be thine; But drink thou from thy goblet, ere it warms. THE KNAVE I’ll drink your health, good Jaques, as a friend For greatly is thy jib-cut most admired. The Knave carouses to thy fortune, Treehorn. But hark! O venom! What betides my drink, That makes me swoon? The drink. I am poisoned. The treacherous White Russian in my hand. [He falls] And all the Knave e’er wanted was his rug As spoken of, which tied the room together. Look sharp! Darkness overtakes the Knave, Of blacker shade than cattle’s secret parts On moonless nights in Devonshire. I fall. It hath no bottom, not this taste of sin; I drop to see condition that I’m in. [Exeunt severally] 4.4 [THE KNAVE’s house. Enter THE KNAVE] THE KNAVE I have had a most rare vision. I have had a dream past the wit of man to say what dream it was. Methought I waked to find I could be bound in a satchel of infinite space, only to trip upon a cloud, to fall eight miles high and tear my mind on a jagged sky. Most peculiar. Then was I found by night-watch constable, Who liked my jerkin not, and told me thus, And cast me from his beach community. And eagles gazed upon with every eye; And O, I hate the cursèd eagles, man. [Enter MAUDE] It is my lady friend, it is my love. MAUDE Come, thou spirit that tends on mortal thoughts, Come lie with me under the greenwood tree And know the heat of a luxurious bed And in our faults by lies we’ll flattered be. THE KNAVE My Maude is now the queen of special ladies, Attired in a robe that is mine own. [They kiss, and lay down] MAUDE Speak of thyself, O Geoffrey, while we sleep. THE KNAVE Let me present my life-time as a Knave, Though little stands to tell; but tarry soft. I’d tell thee how, in youth, I did author A statement in Port Huron, ere the turn When it emerg’d in compromised draft. Or how, in fair Seattle, I and six Were charg’d conspirators against the King; Yea, that was me; and sixfold other men. I turn’d attention briefly to the lute And fife, and tour’d with men of speed and sound, Who asses were; now I do nothing much, Mayhap a bit of this, a bit of that. I play at ninepins on the village green And tour the town, and think on wilder days. My house is sacked by Jaques Treehorn’s men Who thought to seek thy father’s money here; A case of great complexity we glimpse, With many ins and outs, as I have said. [MAUDE arranges herself upon the floor] MAUDE The money’s the foundation’s, not the man’s. My father hath no money of his own; The wealth was his inheritance to tend And pompously he claims it as his crop. O vanity of Father! Fierce extremes Of personality he built so as to seem The wide world’s emperor; and hence the whore, So purchased as to sate his glory-thirst. THE KNAVE Wherefore thy strange position on the floor? MAUDE I crave a young conception in my womb, And seat me thus to better take thy seed. THE KNAVE Increase thy chance of bearing me a child? But I a father poorly made would be! MAUDE Nay, I seek no partner in this babe; I love thee not, therefore pursue me not. Our comedy ends not with marriage-bed, I’ll live unpartner’d, and unbotherèd. THE KNAVE Marry! Then thou wouldst have a child of bastard blood, without a father, as thou thyself might well have wished to have no father; but now I think upon thy father, and lo, new stuff doth come to light breaking forth. My thinking on thy sorry case had become most up-tightened, and I am altogether govern’d by humours. Quickly, away! I must to Sir Walter. [Exeunt] 4.5 [The road. Enter THE KNAVE] THE KNAVE I wait upon the coming of Sir Walter Who, on my dispatch, flew him to emerge That we might seek the Castle of Lebowski And right these monstrous wrongs ere evensong. [Enter BROTHER SEAMUS] Who’s there? BROTHER SEAMUS Be still! I’ll harm thy person not. ‘Tis I, the Brother Seamus, Irish monk— A man the finer having seen thee work, A snitch and snoop for private clientele, A dirk; a man who seeketh for to find. THE KNAVE That’s well; but keep thee from my lady friend. BROTHER SEAMUS I never tempted her with word too large; I knew her not thy special lady fair. THE KNAVE She’s not my special lady but my friend; I help’d her swell her womb. Who hired thee? Art thou a servant of Lebowski state, Or Jaques Treehorn, or some goblin damned? BROTHER SEAMUS I travel on the charge of sons of knights, A job of wand’ring daughters from the north. The lady Bonnie’s falsely bonny bred. Her name be Fawn, a girl of Moorhead born, Whose parents wish her back with broken hearts; This past twelvemonth she fled the family farm And I’m to show her paintings of the land. THE KNAVE The lady’s love for paint is plain to see, But she hath seen Karl Hungus, and is like To not exchange it for pastoral life. BROTHER SEAMUS Alack the day! O fairest damsel lost! It is a false steward that steals a master’s daughter. Mayhap we might our slim resources pool, Exchange our facts in noble courtesy, In friendship and professionality. THE KNAVE Nay, for thou art none the finer man. Away, sirrah; my ride approacheth nigh. And stay away from special lady mine, Or lady friend, as I would have it writ. [Exit BROTHER SEAMUS; enter WALTER (with dog)] WALTER Thy messenger decreed emergency And so I broke my vows of Sabbath pure, For this the holy day of resting be For gentle Jews; now state thy purpose, Knave. THE KNAVE We must away to old Lebowski’s house To press him on the matter of this case. We botch’d his payoff to the villains vile That night, and in his anger, though he yell’d, He visited no harm upon my head Nor render’d my weak body punishèd. WALTER Mayhaps the gentle soul’s catharsis lay In shouting at thee. THE KNAVE Nay; a game’s afoot. He knows I am a fool; I do agree, But why wouldst he me charge to save his wife? Methinks the man despised his lady fair And plotted ill to profit from her loss And in his sinning sought to make a show. I’ll tell thee this; he gave me no true gold Nor jewels, nor any treasure of accord To toss the thieves; nor effort has he made To have of me the haul from him I stole. Methinks the money that we thought was lost Was never thus, but weight like laundries thine: Our ringer was a ringer for the same In odious Lebowski’s rotten game. WALTER I mark thee, and pay tribute to thy wits, Deduction noble made, but all the same Must query quick the nature of this crime That leads me out of doors on Sabbath eve. THE KNAVE Sir Walter, prithee cease; thou art no Jew. Of Papists born in Poland was thy line. WALTER Thou knowest I converted ere I wed The Lady Cynthia. THE KNAVE But that is past; Five twelvemonths cross’d the sky since thou were wed. WALTER ‘Tis true, I have in oath and court of law Made a divorce betwixt Cynthia and me, But doth equivocation turn a heart? When justice calls a Jew into the court Must not a Jew emerge? Is he anew? May I no more of libraries borrow, Or push my cart, or be my selfsame man? The Hebrew turns not Christian; he is rock. THE KNAVE Thy sickness for fair Cynthia is sad; Thou carest for her cur, though are not wed, And still her synagogue thou dost attend. Thou livest in the most accursed past. WALTER Forsooth! Three thousand years of history, Traditions beauteous from Moses on: Thou speakest damnèd truth, and speakest well, I am a man to live in bygone past! But let’s away; the big Lebowski waits, And fate rewards no man who hesitates. [Exeunt] 5.1 [LEBOWSKI’s castle. Flourish. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and BONNIE] THE KNAVE Look well on Bonnie, something like the sun. She hath been in her cups, and singing brave Converting all her sounds of woe into Hey-nonny-nonny; hark. BONNIE Long live the city of the meadows! Let us have a song. [sings] “But when I came to Lebowski estate With hey, ho, the fountain doth rain I usèd my car to batter the gate For the Knave abideth every day. And when I came, alas! to wive With hey, ho, the fountain doth rain By swaggering could I constantly thrive For the Knave abideth every day.” [Exit BONNIE; enter BRANDT] BRANDT Thine eyes deceive thee not; the lady lives, No longer vanishèd; what’s lost is found. She left to see the palmer at the springs And told no man that she would go away. Good Knave, I pray thee, bother not my lord, For he is angry; prithee, who is this? WALTER I’ll tell thee who I am; a veteran, I, A soldier of the honour-giving field Of mire and muck and fens; we’ll have thy lord. [Exit BRANDT; enter LEBOWSKI on his cart] LEBOWSKI Beshrew me! That my door be darken’d thus By this foul cheat who found me not my bride. THE KNAVE Whither the money, Lebowski? WALTER A thousand pounds from young achievers robb’d! O rude and vilest villain! Coward cursed! A most notable coward of no quality Whose tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile. Thou art as loathsome as a toad, thou vice, A bolting-hutch of beastliness, thou mite, Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool! LEBOWSKI Thou hast thy history and I have mine. I say that thou hast stole my thousand pounds. WALTER O wound! I wouldst not dream to filch thy wealth. THE KNAVE Thou art a villain, human parakeet! Thou thought thy wife vanish’d, and thought it well! Thou hadst met me and thought my mettle right To be thy pawn, a man of ill repute Who circles not amidst men of good square, That thou might use to shuffle gold about. LEBOWSKI Well? Art thou not a man of no regard, A greasy tallow husk of failèd flesh? THE KNAVE Perchance. WALTER Tush, tush; let’s speak of him instead. An infinite and endless liar, he. I’ve seen my share of spines a-damagèd; This sinner stands to walk most capably. Stand now, O villain! Up upon thy feet! LEBOWSKI Step back, I prithee; stay not close to me. WALTER I bid thee walk afoot, if thou be man! [He casts LEBOWSKI from his chair; LEBOWSKI falls] THE KNAVE O, he hath fallen! WALTER ‘pon my life, I might have sworn he had his sea-legs. THE KNAVE Thou art a fool and of thee I despair. We must away; let’s help him to his chair. [They set him back into his cart. Exeunt] 5.2 [The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER] WALTER No doubt we’ll see some armour’d conflict yet, Some battle fare unto the morning’s war. But fighting in the arid desert be A diff’ring beast from skirmishes as I Experienced in jungles canopied. That was a soldier’s war, by Jove, whereas This thing shall be a walk as soft as cake. I had me but my bow and quiver set, No heavy horse; ‘twas I and good Sir Charles, ‘Twere face to face and eye to eye opposed. [Enter DONALD] That be combat, forsooth; the man in black, An adversary worthy on the mount. DONALD Walter, pray, who be attired in black? WALTER Hold thy tongue, Donald—I speak of men, Not eaters of the fig in motley clad Affirming to ride bareback in reverse. These men be none of worth, and I’ll have none. [Enter QUINCE and O’BRIEN] QUINCE Thou dunce, thou varlet; whence this day of rest? To bowl on Sabbath matters not to me And fools me not; it may deceive the leaguesmen, But none of woman born fools Joshua. Thy games of mind are fit for childrens’ spoils, And laughable; my act is but delayed, For if I will not have thee Saturday I’ll surely have my way with thee mid-week. This Wednesday thou and I a-courting go; Think well on it! [Exeunt QUINCE and O’BRIEN] WALTER By my life, he cracks. THE KNAVE Think not on him till Wednesday, for the game; Our worries stretch to higher fruit than he. Look well; the nihilists approach our green And bring Greek fire to our quiet lot. My burning car doth hotly scorch the earth! The weary moon hath shone upon our park And lit the burnt husk of my fiery car! [Alarums. Enter OLIVER and the NIHILISTS] THE KNAVE It hath finally been done. They made my car to shuffle off the mortal coil. OLIVER We want that money, Lebowski, else we be poisonous and kill thy forlorn queen. THE KNAVE Ye have not th’accursed girl, ye ninnies! We know ye never had so comely a maid. DONALD Be these the tyrants, Sir Walter? WALTER Nay! These nihilists be, and none to fear. But few of any sort, and none of name. OLIVER We would have the money in any case, else we visit much grievous damage upon your persons. WALTER Nay! Thou hast no hostage to avenge: Thy ransom there is none but we shall pay! We’ll not obey that know not ransom’s rules, Ye cabbage-fed foul sons of ugly curs! FIRST NIHILIST Verily did his consort give her toe In hopes of seeking gold a thousandfold. SECOND NIHLIST It is not fair; ‘tis foul but never fair! WALTER And wherefore ‘fair’, when ye be nihilists? Wherefore the nihilist weeps and cries for ‘fair’? Thy dispute is of infants, weeping woes, Spoke as an idiot, full of sound and fury, Believing in nothing. THE KNAVE Walter, pray be still. Good nihilist, the money never was; Yon big Lebowski gave me empty wares, So take thy quarrel up his lordship’s way. WALTER And I request my breeches ere we part! DONALD In sooth, I fear they’ll hurt us ere we fly. WALTER Not so! They cowards be, and amateurs. OLIVER ‘Tis well; we’ll take what minor gold ye have In doublets thine, and all’s well that ends well. WALTER Fie on thee! What’s mine is ever mine. THE KNAVE Nay, let’s end cheaply; four sixpence I hold. DONALD And eighteen further in my saddlebag. OLIVER The gold, anon! Or I’ll be set on thee. WALTER What’s mine is mine; lay on, nihilist, And damn’d be he that nine-toed woman kiss’d! [They fight] DONALD Alas, my lord, I cannot fight; for God’s sake, pity my case. I shall never be able to fight a blow. O Lord, my heart! OLIVER [to WALTER] I firk thee! I firk thee! Verily I firk thee! WALTER We bleed on both sides. Have at you now! OLIVER I firk thee! [They fight, and the NIHILISTS die] WALTER Ever thus to haters of Jewry! [DONALD falls] DONALD O, I am slain! THE KNAVE Hark, hark! Man down! Walter, they shot him thus! WALTER No, Knave; no bowstring ever arrow left. His heart is weak; a heart easily daunted. Hear, hear how dying Sir Donald doth groan! DONALD O, I die, Lebowski; The potent fervor quite o’er-crows my spirit. Thou hast my dying voice; the rest is silence. [He dies] WALTER Alas, sweet friend! Now we shall mourn for thee, O could our mourning ease our misery! [Exeunt, carrying DONALD] 5.3 [A churchyard. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and a GRAVEDIGGER carrying a spade and a pickaxe] GRAVEDIGGER I greet ye, an ye are the men bereaved, And mark ye well to escort the remains Of your late friend to fields Elysian. Look to the urn; let’s settle now the fee. WALTER The urn is well, but we demand it not; We seek to send the ashes scatter-shot. GRAVEDIGGER ‘Twas said, but ashes must be given ye In a receptacle of quality. ‘Tis coroner’s quest law; will it suffice? For this receptacle be humbly priced. THE KNAVE Might men of modest means who need thine urn Be borrowers of it till our return? WALTER Sorrow and grief hath vanquish’d not our powers; We are not saplings weak in tragic hours. Come, good Knave; to market we shall send, A jar we’ll buy to honour fallen friends. [Exeunt] 5.4 [A cliffside. Enter THE KNAVE and WALTER, with a jar of clay] WALTER Words, words, words. I’ll speak. A glooming peace this morning with it brings: The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head. We come here to have talk of these sad things; Of Donald, he who in his life bowlèd. He was a straight and true bowler, and a virtuous man. He was of our sort, a man who loved the woods free from peril of the envious court. And he loved bowling well. He knew the pebbles on the hungry beach. And yea, he was a bowler most avid. And a fair friend, who never can be old. He died as did so many of his generation, ere his time. In Thy wisdom, Lord, Thou didst take him, as Thou took so many bright flowering young men, i’ the jungles of the Orient. These young men gave their lives, and Donald too; Donald who loved to play at ninepins. And so, Sir Donald, in fairest accordance With what your wishes last well might have been, We make commitment of your last remains To the deep bosom of the ocean buried, A peaceful progress to the ocean, which You loved so well. Now cracks a bowler’s heart. [He scatters the ashes] Good night, sweet prince, And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. THE KNAVE But soft! The sorrow’s wind hath strewn the ash And cover’d me in that we came to spill. WALTER Alack! Blown winds and crackèd cheeks! Raged! Blown! THE KNAVE Thou art an ass! A stupefying ass! WALTER Apologies. THE KNAVE Thou hast ruin’d all again! Thou makest all a travesty of pain! WALTER ‘Twas accident! I meant not for the breeze. THE KNAVE Thy statement, man! The stuff on jungle war. What signifies thy foreign conflict here? What signifies thy deadly-standing speech? I’ll have no more; thou art a raging fool. WALTER I stand before thee tainted with remorse, and beg thy mercy; I am overcome. A pox upon’t, Knave; let us play at ninepins. [Exeunt] 5.5 [The tavern near the bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE and MISTRESS QUICKLY] THE KNAVE I’ll have two ales of oat-brew, hostess fair. MISTRESS QUICKLY Anon. My fondest wishes for the sport In tourney celebrated on the morrow. THE KNAVE I give thee thanks. MISTRESS QUICKLY And I thee sadder thoughts, My heart wept when I heard of Donald’s fall. THE KNAVE ‘Tis well; sometimes thou exits in pursuit Of bear, and sometimes he doth pursue thee. [Enter CHORUS] But here’s the man of whom I had these words! I wonder’d if he’d cross my path again. CHORUS I dare not miss the semifinal games. How fares my good and noble friend the Knave? THE KNAVE Thou knowest; strikes and gutters, ups and downs. CHORUS Marry, be of ease, O gentle Knave; I know thou wilt. THE KNAVE Thou know’st. The Knave abideth. [Exeunt all but CHORUS] Epilogue CHORUS “The Knave abideth.” I dare speak not for thee, but this maketh me to be of good comfort; I deem it well that he be out there, the Knave, being of good ease for we sinners. I hope he proveth well in the tourney. If we shadows have offended, Think but this and all is mended, That you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear. And all wrapp’d up be this idle theme, A noble and a pretty story-dream Made me laugh to overtake the band, Parts, in sooth; and others less so scann’d. I did not like to see Sir Donald go, But then, the fellow wise is like to know That on the way’s a little Lebowski Perpetuating human comedy Down through the generations; westward on, Across the sands of time—but heed my song; I ramble again, and so must take my leave, And hope thou liked my tale of the good Knave. If we be friends, I’ll catch thee down the trail And we shall share sarsaparilla ale. For never was a story of more glee Than this of Geoffrey and the big Lebowski. THE END ABOUT THE AUTHOR Adam Bertocci is an award-winning filmmaker and screenwriter. His films have played all across America, with stops in Canada, England and Australia. He is a proud graduate of the film program at Northwestern University, with a minor in English literature. Two Gentlemen of Lebowski marks his first and probably last entry into the burgeoning field of Shakespeare / Coen Brothers mashup; his previous splashes in pop culture parody are based in a galaxy far, far away. Successes include the animated spoof Run Leia Run starring Will Butler of Arcade Fire, the morbidly complete Web site “The Chopped-Off Hands of Star Wars” and the indie-hipster dramedy (with lightsabers) Brooklyn Force. While not poking fun at the work of more talented people, he works as a Final Cut Pro editor and digital artist for film and video while continuing to create his own short films and shop around his spec feature screenplays. Those looking to explore his work in those areas are encouraged to visit his professional portfolio: www.adambertocci.com ABOUT THE PLAY Two Gentlemen of Lebowski is fan fiction and in no way affiliated with the creators of The Big Lebowski. No ownership is assumed; no infringement is intended. Groups wishing to perform the work (heaven knows why) are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the guidelines posted on the play’s Web site. ABOUT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE William Shakespeare (1564-1616), or His Shakeness, or Shaker, or El Shakerino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing, was a playwright, poet, actor and urban achiever. He is widely regarded as the finest writer in the English language and a key contributor to the development of Western language and philosophy, though, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man. Two Gentlemen of Lebowski © 2010 Adam Bertocci.

Recipes

Watercress, Rocket, Sweet Pear, Walnut and Parmesan Salad What a pukka combination, simple and classy. Don`t try to make this when you feel like it, make it when you can find perfect pears and watercress, otherwise it will taste naff. For one person I normally use around half a pear 2 big handfuls of watercress and 2 big handfuls of rocket. If the skins are nice just give them a wash, if not remove with a peeler. Then cut them in half and deseed. It doesn`t really matter how you cut them up. Sometimes in big rough chunks, maybe sliced up or even grated. Then place into the bowl with the watercress and rocket. The pepperiness of the leaves works so well with the sweetness of the pear. Drizzle with a good extra virgin olive oil just to coat, a small squeeze of lemon juice (because the pear juice is slightly acidic but very tasty), and season well with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Toss all this together and serve. Shave over some Parmesan or Pecorino, crumble your nuts over and tuck in. I love this salad with roasted meat or as a starter on its own.


Baked Jerusalem Artichokes, Breadcrumbs, Thyme and Lemon Serves 4-6 285ml / ½ pint double cream or créme fraiche Juice of 1 lemon 2 cloves garlic, peeled and finely chopped 1 good handful of fresh Thyme, leaves picked and chopped 3 handfuls of grated Parmesan cheese Salt and freshly ground black pepper 1kg/2lb 3oz Jerusalem artichokes, peeled and sliced as thick as a pencil 2 good handfuls of fresh breadcrumbs Olive oil Preheat your oven to 220°C/425°F/Gas7. In a bowl mix your cream, lemon juice , garlic half the thyme and most of the Parmesan, and season well to taste. Throw in the sliced Jerusalem artichokes. Mix well and place everything in an ovenproof baking dish. Mix the breadcrumbs with the rest of the thyme and Parmesan and some salt and pepper. Sprinkle all the flavoured breadcrumbs over the artichokes and drizzle with a little olive oil. Bake in the oven for around 30 minutes until the artichokes are tender and the breadcrumbs golden.


Wok-cooked Fragrant Mussels Serves 4-6 2kg / 4½ lb best live Mussels Olive oil 2 cloves of garlic, finely sliced 3 sticks of Lemon grass, outer leaves removed, finely sliced 2 fresh chillies, red, green or both 3 tablespoons finely sliced ginger 2 handfuls of fresh coriander, pounded or finely chopped 1 tablespoons sesame oil Salt and freshly ground black pepper 5 Spring onions Juice of 3 limes 1 x 400ml tin of coconut milk Place your mussels with a couple of lugs of olive oil in a large, very hot wok or pot. Shake around and add the rest of the ingredients, apart from the lime juice and coconut milk. Keep turning over until all the mussels have opened - throw away any that remain closed. Squeeze in your lime juice and add your coconut milk. Bring to the boil and serve immediately.


Créme Brûlée - The Way I like It Serves 6 300g / 11oz fresh rhubarb 3 tablespoons caster sugar 2 vanilla pods 300ml / 11fl oz double cream 200ml / 7fl oz full fat milk 8 egg yolks 80g / 2 ¾ oz sugar Preheat the oven to 140°C/275°F/Gas 1. Roughly slice up the rhubarb and place it in a pan with the caster sugar and 5 tablespoons of water. Simmer until tender, divide between 6 small serving dishes which your brûlée will be cooked in, then set aside. Score the vanilla pods lengthwise and run the knife up the pod to remove the vanilla seeds. Scrape these into the pan with the pods, cream and milk and slowly bring to the boil. Meanwhile beat together the yolks and the sugar in a bowl until light and fluffy. When the cream and milk are just boiling , remove the vanilla pods and add little by little to the egg mixture, whisking continuously. I like to remove any bubbles or froth from the mixture before dividing it into the serving dishes, on top of the rhubarb. Stand these in an appropriately sized roasting tray filled with water half way up the containers, and bake in the pre-heated oven for around 25 minutes until the custard mixture has set but is still slightly wobbly in the centre. Allow to cool to room temperature then place in the fridge until ready to serve. Sprinkle with sugar and caramelize under a very hot grill or using a kitchen blowtorch. Lovely.


Stir-Fried Chinese Greens with Ginger, Oyster and Soy Sauce

For this dish I use any mixture of good Chinese greens I can get my hands on. It's tasty and very quick to make. 11 - 14 ounces mixed Chinese greens--bok choy, Chinese broccoli (gai larn), baby spinach 3 tablespoons walnut oil 1 tablespoon sesame oil 1/2 tablespoon thinly sliced ginger 4 scallions, finely shredded 2 tablespoons oyster sauce 1 tablespoon soy sauce 2 pinches of sugar juice of 1 lime salt and freshly ground black pepper Remove any blemished outside stalks from the greens. Put the spinach to one side so that you can add it to the wok or pan at the last minute, as it cooks very quickly. Prepare the rest of the Chinese greens; i normally cut the Chinese broccoli into strips and the bok choy into quarters. Plunge the greens into boiling water for about 1 1/2 minutes until just tender, and drain well. Put the oil and the ginger into a very large, hot wok or other suitable pan and cook for about 30 seconds. Add the scallions and the rest of the ingredients apart from the seasoning. Stir, then add the spinach and toss so that everything is coated in sauce. The vegetables will sizzle and stir-fry. The oyster and soy sauce will reduce, just coating the greens. At this point season to taste. Stir-fry for a further minute and serve immediately. Yield: Serves 4-6 Oliver’s Twist


Cellophane Noodle Salad

4 ounces (100 grams) cellophane noodles A good glug olive oil 8 ounces (200 grams) minced pork A large pinch five-spice 3 cloves garlic, crushed 2 teaspoon sugar A handful prawns or shrimp, any size you like, peeled and deveined Handful plain and skinned peanuts, roughly crushed

1 bunch spring onions, finely sliced 1 bunch coriander, chopped 1 bunch mint, chopped 2 thumbs fresh ginger, grated 2 red chiles, finely sliced with seeds 2 limes, juiced 1 tablespoon soy sauce Olive oil Soak the noodles in boiling water and drain. Heat the oil in a pan, and cooking in batches, lightly brown the pork with the five-spice powder. Add the garlic, sugar, prawns, and peanuts. Mix the rest of the ingredients for the dressing. Add the drained noodles and the meat with the prawns and season with a little extra soy and a drizzle of olive oil. Yield: 2 to 4 servings Prep Time: 30 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Mango Lassi

This Indian drink is like a mango milkshake and is delicious. 9 fluid ounces (255 millilitres) plain yoghurt 4 1/2 fluid ounces (130 millilitres) milk 4 1/2 fluid ounces (130 millilitres) canned mango pulp or 7 ounces (200 grams) from 3 fresh mango, stoned and sliced 4 teaspoons sugar, to taste, or feel free to try salt and cardamom seeds Put all the ingredients into a blender and blend for 2 minutes, then pour into individual glasses, and serve. Feel free to try salt and cardamom seeds. The lassi can be kept refrigerated for up to 24 hours Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: Difficulty: Easy


Monkfish Wrapped in Banana leaves with Ginger, Cilantro, Chile, and Coconut Milk

You just can't go wrong with this combination of flavors. It's open to all white-fleshed fish. Banana leaves are very easy to buy from Asian or Latino markets. Get nice big ones to wrap your fish up in. Failing banana leaves, you can use vine leaves, which you can get in the supermarkets, somewhat smaller, but no less tasty for that. If you really can't get hold of any leaves then kitchen foil will do. 4 large banana leaves or vine leaves A little olive oil 2 fresh red chiles 2 sticks lemon grass, outer leaves removed, centers finely chopped 1 clove garlic, finely chopped 2 good handfuls fresh cilantro, roughly chopped 2 limes, juiced and zested 1 (400 milliliter) can coconut milk 2 tablespoons sesame seed oil A drizzle fish sauce 1 tablespoon soy sauce 2 heaped tablespoons finely sliced fresh ginger 4 (6 to 8 ounce /170 to 225 gram) pieces monkfish (can use other more abundant white-fleshed fish, such as Pacific mahi mahi, farmed striped bass, or farmed catfish) 4 rosemary sprigs or bay leaf sticks, to secure Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C/gas 8). To make the banana leaves more pliable, hold for a few seconds over a gas flame. Leaving aside the fish and herb sticks, pound the rest of the ingredients in a pestle and mortar to make a thick paste and spoon a little onto each banana leaf. Place the fish on top and then spoon the rest of the paste on the top. Bringing the sides in and spiking it with a rosemary sprig or bay leaf stick to secure it. This will look lovely and it is natural, but I have been known to use a clothes peg or string to hold it all together. It won't be a perfect seal but this allows it to breath and steam, letting the flavours infuse, so gutsy and tasty. Put the parcels on a tray and bake for 15 minutes, then remove from the oven, and allow to rest for 5 minutes. I serve the individual parcels on plates at the table and let my friends dissect them. When opened, the fragrant steam wafts up and smells fantastic. Serve with plain boiled rice to mop up the juices, that's all it has to be. End of story, done, lovely. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Individual Quick English Trifle

4 1/2 ounces (135 grams) raspberry gelatine 8 (1-centimeter) slices ready made sponge or Madeira cake A good glug sweet Sherry 15 ounces (425 millilitres) ready made custard 6 ounces (175 grams) tinned mandarins A few drops vanilla extract 1/2 pint (275 millilitres) double cream (heavy cream), lightly whipped A small block good quality chocolate Make the gelatine by following the instructions on the side of the packet. Pour into a dish and leave. Once the gelatine is set, roughly chop. Put 2 pieces of cake into the bottom of each glass. Drizzle with the sherry and pour half of the custard over the cake and sherry. Spoon the gelatine over the custard, and then add the mandarins. Cover with the rest of the custard, drizzle with a little vanilla, and cover with the whipped cream. Scrape the chocolate with a sharp knife for shavings to top the lot. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours Cook Time: 3 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Pecan Vanilla Ice Cream with Maple Syrup

2 tablespoons confectioners' sugar 2 handfuls pecan nuts 1 quart good quality vanilla ice cream Maple syrup Heat the oven to 350 degrees F (80 degrees C /Gas 4). Mix the icing sugar with the pecans on a baking tray and sprinkle with a little water to make a thick-ish paste. Bake in the oven for a few minutes or until toasted and caramelized. Scoop out the ice cream into 4 glasses or bowls and sprinkle over the whole pecans then drizzle with a good glug of maple syrup. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 3 minutes Cook Time: 4 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Spaghetti with Wild Mushrooms

9 to 11 ounces (250 to 300 grams) wild mixed mushrooms (I would probably buy around 14 ounces (400 grams) mushrooms, as you have to trim a bit off) 3 tablespoons olive oil 1 clove garlic, finely chopped 1 to 2 small dried red chiles, pounded or very finely chopped Salt and freshly ground black pepper 1/2 lemon, juiced 1 pound (455 grams) dried spaghetti A small handful grated Parmesan 1 handful fresh parsley, roughly chopped 2 ounces (55 grams) unsalted butter Brush off any dirt from the mushrooms with a pastry brush or a tea towel. Slice the mushrooms thinly, but tear any larger mushrooms, like girolles, chanterelles. and blewits in half. Put the olive oil in a very hot frying pan, and add the mushrooms. Let them fry fast, tossing once or twice, then add the garlic and chile with a pinch of salt (it is very important to season mushrooms slightly, as it really brings out the flavor). Continue to fry fast for 4 to 5 minutes, tossing regularly. Then turn the heat off and squeeze in the lemon juice. Toss and season, to taste. Meanwhile, cook the pasta in boiling, salted water until al dente. Drain and add to the mushrooms, with the Parmesan, parsley, and butter. Toss gently, coating the pasta with the mushrooms and their flavor. Serve, scraping out all of the last bits of mushroom from the pan, and sprinkle with a little extra parsley and Parmesan. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 10 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Mushroom Sarnie

8 ounces (250 grams) butter, softened 4 sun-dried tomatoes, chopped 1 red chile, finely chopped Garlic, finely chopped A few sprigs fresh thyme leaves Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 4 large white mushrooms 1/2 loaf sourdough bread 2 tablespoons Dijon mustard 1 bunch watercress, picked and washed Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C/Gas 6). Mix the butter with the sun-dried tomatoes, chile, garlic, and thyme leaves. Season and spoon over each mushroom. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, or until soft. Cut the sourdough into 8 slices and spread with the Dijon mustard. Lay the watercress over the mustard and top with the baked mushrooms. Cover with the other half of bread, press down firmly, and cut. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Eas

Warm Rocket Salad

Warm salads can be blooming amazing or a complete disaster. First, you have got to get your hungry guests around the table before you plate up, so as soon as their bums are on the chairs, you are tossing the warm ingredients in with the rocket leaves. Boom, boom, boom on a plate and it's in front of them. 2 medium red onions 8 whole rashers (slices) pancetta or smoked streaky bacon Olive oil 4 sprigs thyme A good handful pine nuts 4 big handfuls rocket (arugula) Balsamic vinegar A piece of Parmesan, for shaving Peel, halve, and quarter the onions then quarter again, to give you 8 pieces from each onion. Heat a frying pan and fry off the rashers of pancetta until crisp. Add a couple of lugs of olive oil to the pan, and add the sprigs of thyme, the onions, and pine nuts with a pinch of salt. Toss around and fry on a medium heat for about 5 minutes until caramelized and sweet (not black!). Then, throw everything into a salad bowl with the rocket or any nice salad leaves. Drizzle generously with balsamic vinegar, this will make a natural dressing as it mixes with the olive oil. Serve with some shaved Parmesan over the top, you can use a potato peeler to do this. Munch away. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Spaghetti Puttanesca

1 pound (455 grams) dried spaghetti, the best you can get 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped 1 handful capers, soaked in water and drained 2 handfuls big black olives, pitted 12 anchovy fillets, roughly chopped 3 small dried red chiles, crumbled 1 tablespoon dried oregano Extra-virgin olive oil 2 (14 ounce/400gram) cans tomatoes, drained and chopped 1 good handful fresh basil Salt and freshly ground black pepper Cook the spaghetti in salted, boiling water until al dente. Meanwhile fry the garlic, capers, olives, anchovies, chiles, and oregano in a little olive oil for a few minutes. Add the tomatoes, bring to a simmer, and continue to cook for 4 or 5 minutes, until you have a lovely tomato sauce consistency. Remove from the heat, plunge the drained spaghetti into it, toss it over, and cover with the sauce. Rip all the basil over it, correct the seasoning, and drizzle with good extra-virgin olive oil. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Fruit Cobbler

This is a fantastic American recipe equivalent to our crumble. Particularly good with strawberries and rhubarb, but you can use any fruit combo you like; about 680g/1 1/2 pounds of fruit should do it. For the fruit: 2 apricots, stoned and sliced 1 pear, cored and thickly sliced 1 pint blackberries 1 pint blueberries 1 pint raspberries 1 stick rhubarb 5 tablespoons sugar A good glug balsamic vinegar

For the topping: 4 ounces butter, chilled 8 ounces (225 grams) self-rising flour 2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) sugar A large pinch salt 4 1/2 fluid ounces (130 millilitres) buttermilk A little sugar, for dusting

Vanilla ice cream, as an accompaniment Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C/gas 5). Put the fruit into a pan with the sugar and the balsamic vinegar. Put the pan over the heat, and cook gently, until the juices begin to run from the berries. Pour into an ovenproof dish. Meanwhile make the topping. Rub the cold butter into the flour until the mixture resembles fine bread crumbs. Add the sugar and salt, stir well, and then add the buttermilk to form a loose, scone-type mixture. Roll balls of the dough and place randomly over the hot fruit. Sprinkle with a little sugar, and bake in the oven for 30 minutes until golden brown. Serve with vanilla ice cream. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 35 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Pot-roasted Pork in White Wine with Garlic, Fennel, and Rosemary

This pork recipe takes me about 5 minutes to prepare and get in the oven, so it's nice and quick as well as being unbelievably light, fresh and tasty. Also, pot-roasting the pork as opposed to straight roasting gives you a lovely natural sauce made with the meat juices and the wine 1 (3 pound/1.5 kilogram) pork loin, off the bone and skin removed Salt and freshly ground black pepper 1 tablespoon fennel seeds 2 to 3 large knobs butter Olive oil 8 cloves garlic, skin left on 1 handful fresh rosemary, leaves picked 4 bay leaves 1 fennel bulb, sliced 1/2 (750 ml) bottle Chardonnay Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). With 2 or 3 bits of string, tie up your pork loin, do this any way you like. It doesn't have to be fussy, you just want to keep the meat in a snug shape while it's cooking. Season generously with salt and pepper, then roll the meat in the fennel seeds until covered. In a casserole pan or roasting tray, fry the meat for a couple of minutes in half the butter and a little olive oil, until nice and golden. Throw in the garlic, herbs, fennel, and wine, then cover the tray loosely with some wet greaseproof paper and cook until an inserted meat thermometer reaches 150 degrees F. As the pork loin is off the bone it cooks very quickly. Remove from the oven and allow the meat to rest on a plate. Then, without using any more heat, finish off your sauce in the pan, scraping any goodness off the bottom and adding the rest of the butter. Remove any large bits. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour 15 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Salad of Marinated Charred Squid with Cannellini beans, Rocket, and Chile

2 pounds 3 ounces (1 kilogram) squid, trimmed and gutted Salt and freshly ground black pepper 1 (14-ounce or 400 gram) tin of cannellini beans, or use 6 ounces (17 grams) dried ones, soaked and cooked until tender 1 to 2 fresh red chiles, sliced 2 good handfuls rocket (arugula) 2 to 3 tablespoons lemon juice 4 tablespoons olive oil Extra-virgin olive oil Try to get your fishmonger to skin and gut the squid for you. Score the squid lightly in a casual criss-cross fashion. Set it aside while you get a griddle pan very, very hot. You can also use a wok or the barbecue. Season the squid lightly with salt and pepper just before cooking, then add it to the pan. After a minute, it should be nicely charred, so turn it over and cook for a further minute. Remove the squid from the pan and set aside. Heat up the cannellini beans and sprinkle them into a bowl. Add the sliced chiles to the bowl with the rocket, lemon juice, and olive oil, and season. Cut the squid at irregular angles and toss it in with the rest of the ingredients. A good drizzle of extra-virgin olive oil over the top will finish it off nicely. Yield: 4 to 6 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 5 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Panettone Bread and Butter Pudding

1 pint (575 millilitres) milk (don't use 2 percent, 1 percent, or skim) 1 pint (575 millilitres) double cream (heavy cream) 1 vanilla pod 4 medium eggs 6 ounces (170 grams) caster sugar (superfine sugar) Panettone, cut into thick slices and buttered 1 orange, zested 3 tablespoons Cognac A little icing sugar To start the custard base, bring the milk and cream just to a boil in a saucepan. Cut the vanilla pod in half, scrape out the seeds and add to the pan with the zest. Whisk the eggs with the sugar until pale. Add the milk and cream and remove the vanilla. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (160 degrees C/Gas 3). Dip each slice of panettone into the custard and pile into a buttered baking dish. Pour the remaining custard slowly over the bread, place the dish in a roasting pan and fill halfway with hot water. Sprinkle with the icing sugar and bake for about 45 minutes. When cooked, it will have a slight crust on top, but will still be slightly wobbly inside. Yield: 8 to 12 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 45 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Proper Polenta

1 1iter (34 ounces or a little more than a quart) water 8 ounces (250 grams) instant polenta 8 ounces (2 sticks) butter 2 handfuls grated Parmesan Salt and freshly ground black pepper Bring the water to boil in a large pan. Slowly stream in the polenta, whisking continuously. Once it's mixed, continue to stir over the heat for 15 to 20 minutes. Stir in the butter and Parmesan. You can add a little more water to make it the right consistency. Season and serve straight away Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes Difficulty: Easy


Chicken in Milk

A slightly odd, but really fantastic combination, which must be tried 1 (3 pound/ 1.5 kilogram) organic chicken Salt and freshly ground black pepper 4 ounces (115 grams) or 1 stick butter 1/2 cinnamon stick 1 good handful fresh sage, leaves picked 2 lemons, zested 6 garlic cloves, skin left on 1 pint (565 millilitres) milk Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C/gas 5), and find a snug-fitting pot for the chicken. Season it generously all over with salt and pepper, and fry it in the butter, turning the chicken to get an even color all over, until golden. Remove from the heat, put the chicken on a plate, and throw away the butter left in the pot. This will leave you with tasty sticky goodness at the bottom of the pan, which will give you a lovely caramel flavor later on. Put your chicken back in the pot with the rest of the ingredients, and cook in the preheated oven for 1 1/2 hours. Baste with the cooking juice when you remember. The lemon zest will sort of split the milk, making a sauce, which is absolutely fantastic. To serve, pull the meat off the bones and divide it on to your plates. Spoon over plenty of juice and the little curds. Serve with wilted spinach or greens and some mashed potato. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour 40 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Calzone

My London 'father', Gennaro Contaldo, makes these to use up all his leftover antipasti. They're great, a complete snack. Basic Bread Recipe: Just over 2 pounds (1 kilogram) strong bread flour Just over 1 pint (625 millilitres) tepid water 1 ounce (30 grams) fresh yeast or 3 (1/4 ounce/7 gram) sachets dried yeast 2 tablespoons sugar Sea salt Extra flour, for dusting

Filling 2 courgettes (zucchini), sliced and char-grilled 2 artichoke hearts, char-grilled and sliced A handful black olives A handful sun-dried tomatoes A couple slices Parma ham A bunch basil, leaves ripped A drizzle olive oil A drizzle herb vinegar 1 ball mozzarella, ripped A handful Parmesan shavings A couple fresh plum tomatoes 2 ounces Montgomery cheddar A good drizzle extra-virgin olive oil Freshly ground black pepper Maldon sea salt For the bread: Stage 1: Making a Well Pile the flour on to a clean surface and make a large well in the centre. Pour half the water into the well, then add your yeast, sugar and salt and stir with a fork. Stage 2: Getting It Together Slowly, but confidently, bring in the flour from the inside of the well. (You do not want to break the walls of the well, or the water will go everywhere). Continue to bring the flour into the centre until you get a stodgy, porridge-y consistency, then add the remaining water. Continue to mix until it's stodgy again, then you can be more aggressive, bringing in all the flour, making the mix less sticky. Flour your hands and pat and push the dough together with all the remaining flour. (Certain flours need a little more or less water, so feel free to adjust). Stage 3: Kneading! This is where you get stuck in. With a bit of elbow grease, simply push, fold, slap, and roll the dough around, over and over, for 4 or 5 minutes until you have a silky and elastic dough. Stage 4: First Proof Flour the top of your dough. Put it in a bowl, cover with plastic wrap, and allow it to proof in a warm, moist, draught-free place until doubled in size, about half an hour. This proof will improve the flavor and texture of your dough, and it's always exciting to know that the old yeast has kicked into action. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C/gas 4). Chop and mix all the ingredients for the filling and season well. Divide the dough into 8 pieces. Roll into balls, using flour for dusting. Then roll into little frisbee shapes just over 1/4-inch (0.5 centimetre) thick. Place a good spoonful of your filling into the middle of each, brush the edges with a little water, then fold the rounds in half, pushing their edges to seal. Some people prefer to use a fork to do this but I just pinch them with my fingers. Dust with flour, do the same with all the others and move to a flour-dusted baking tray. Allow to sit for 5 minutes, then score the top of the bread to allow your filling to bubble over when cooking. Bake in your preheated oven for 20 minutes, until golden and scrumptious-looking, and allow to cool. Always good for picnics or as portable food. Yield: 8 calzones Prep Time: 25 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 30 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Squashed Cherry Tomato and Smashed Olive Bruscetta

What you are just about to do makes complete sense in cooking. Tomatoes need salt, olives are preserved in salt, you've squeezed the juice out of the tomatoes, which in return draws the salt and the smoky flavour out of the olives. This makes the olives very edible and the tomatoes damn tasty. Rip in as much basil as you can afford and even a handful of rocket (arugula) if you have some. Lovely. P.S. If you have any leftovers then toss them in with some hot spaghetti. 2 handfuls cherry tomatoes 1 handful black olives 4 to 5 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil 1 tablespoon dried oregano A drizzle herb vinegar 1 dried chile A handful fresh basil Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 1/2 ciabatta or other rustic bread, cut into thick slices 1/2 clove garlic 4 boccacini Parmesan, for shaving This is probably the quickest salad or bruschetta I make, but no less tasty for that. Very few ingredients, simple flavours, complete sense. Try to make use of the wider range of cherry tomatoes available now: yellow, tige, and plum cherry tomatoes for instance. And, as I always say, it's much better, taste-wise, to buy olives with their stones still in than without. Trust me. Simply squash your tomatoes into a bowl. I always have to put one hand over the tomatoes as I do this as juice and pips go everywhere (generally on me). You can be as rough with the tomatoes as you like, as the salad looks much better rough and rustic than perfect and pretty. Then, gently smash the olives on a board with a hard object, like a cup or a rolling-pin. Remove the stones, throw the olives in with the tomatoes, and toss together. Add a few glugs of oil, the oregano, a drizzle of vinegar, crumbled chile, and rip in the basil. Season, to taste, and that's your salad. Griddle or toast the slices of bread and rub with the garlic clove, pile on the tomatoes, and rip the mozzarella and lay over the top drizzle with a little bit more oil and finish with shaves of Parmesan. Yield: about 6 to 8 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 4 minutes Difficulty: Easy

My Mums Spottier Dick

This is a proper 'blokes' pudding ? loads of custard, a little warmed syrup over the top, and even some cream. Superb! 4 ounces (115 grams) suet 4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) dried apricots, chopped 8 ounces (240 grams) raisins or sultanas 1 orange, zested 4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) plain flour 4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) sugar 4 1/2 ounces (120 grams) bread crumbs 2 tablespoons grated ginger (or to taste) Pinch grated nutmeg Pinch salt 1 egg, beaten 1 pint (140 millilitres) milk Grease a 3-pint (1 liter) pudding basin. Mix all the ingredients together, except the egg and milk. Add the beaten egg and milk and mix well. (I do this in a mixer but you can do it by hand, no problem). Put the mixture in the basin, cover with tin foil or a cloth, and put the basin in a pan with water half-way up the sides of the basin. Bring the water to a boil, put on a tight-fitting lid, and simmer for 3 hours, remembering to top up with (add more) boiling water now and then. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 3 hours Difficulty: Easy

Minty Mushy Peas

This is a fantastic recipe that is so quick and so simple and uses our reliable friends the frozen peas, which work really well here. Great with fish, meat, or even as a vegetarian dish with a big dollop of butter on top. 2 tablespoons olive oil 1 bunch spring onions, chopped 1 handful fresh mint, leaves picked 1 pound (500 grams) frozen peas 2 large knobs butter Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Heat the oil in a pan and add the chopped onions, mint, and peas. Cover and leave for a few minutes to steam. Mash with a potato masher. You can do this with a food processor as well, just pulse it until smooth. Whether mashing or pulsing, when it's done add the butter and season very carefully, to taste. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 5 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Fish and Chips

For the chips: 3 3/4 pints (2 litres) vegetable oil 2 pounds (950 grams) floury potatoes, like russets, peeled and cut into large chips

For the batter: 1 cup plain flour 1 cup beer 2 egg whites, whipped to soft peaks Salt

4 (9 ounce/250 gram) fillets haddock or cod, skin on, and pin boned Pour all the vegetable oil into a deep pan or deep fat fryer, and heat to 300 degrees F (160 degrees C.) Blanch the cut potatoes in the oil until soft, but not coloured, about 4 minutes. Remove and drain. Mix together the flour and the beer, and then fold in the egg whites. Turn up the heat of the oil to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C). Dip the fish in the batter and fry for a few minutes with the chips until golden brown. Drain on kitchen paper and serve with bread and butter, wally's (battered, deep fried pickles served with ranch dressing), and pickled eggs. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 8 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Basil and Lime Sorbet

1 wineglass water (about 5 ounces) 1 wineglass sugar (equal in weight to the water) 5 to 6 limes, zested 1 glass lime juice 1 very large bunch basil, pounded to a puree Place the water and sugar in a pan, bring to a boil, and simmer for 4 minutes with the lime zest. Remove from the heat, and allow to cool for a while. Add the lime juice and basil puree. Stir this up and leave to infuse for a while. Pass it through a coarse sieve and pour into a plastic tub or earthenware dish and place in the freezer. Generally, sorbet takes 2 hours to set. Try to stir it around every 30 minutes, if you remember. Serve it in a glass on its own. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 3 hours Cook Time: 5 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Tagliatelle with Saffron, Seafood, and Cream

A good pinch saffron 1 glass white wine Olive oil 1 large garlic clove, finely chopped 1 pound dried tagliatelle 1 1/2 pounds (680 grams) mixed seafood (red mullet, scallops, clams, debearded mussels, squid) 1/2 pint double cream (heavy cream) Salt and freshly ground black pepper A bunch flat parsley, chopped Soak the saffron in the white wine. Add a little oil and the garlic to a frying pan, and cook until softened. Add the clams and mussels, shake the pan around, and add the white wine and saffron mixture. Bring to a boil and cook until the shellfish opens, discard any shellfish that remain closed. Then, lay the rest of the seafood, parsley, and the cream on top. Simmer for 3 to 4 minutes and season to taste. Cook the tagliatelle in salted, boiling water until al dente. Drain and add to the fish, serve scattered with some of the leftover parsley and an extra drizzle of olive oil. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Seared Carpaccio of Beef with roasted Baby Beets, Creamed Horseradish, Watercress and Parmesan

The reason I like to make this dish is because, apart from being really quick and simple, it's a sociable feast where everyone can tuck in and help themselves. I love all that. I always serve this on a large plate in the middle of the table, with crusty bread and a glass of wine. Any leftovers are even more gorgeous the next day in a nice firm bap. 1 1/2 pounds (680 grams) baby beetroots Olive oil Approximately 10 tablespoons balsamic vinegar Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 handful fresh rosemary, finely chopped 3 1/2 pound (1.5 kilogram) fillet of beef

3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) freshly grated or creamed horseradish 7 ounces (200 grams) creme fraiche 1 lemon, juiced, or white wine vinegar 3 good handfuls watercress 3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) shaved Parmesan Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C/gas 8). Wash and scrub the beets, trim the ends, and toss into a large piece of foil with a little oil, balsamic vinegar, and seasoning. Wrap and roast until tender. Cooking time depends on size. Mix the rosemary salt and pepper on a board. Roll and press the fillet of beef over this, making sure all sticks to the meat. In a very hot, ridged pan, or on a barbecue, sear the meat until brown and slightly crisp on all sides, around 5 minutes. Remove from the pan. Allow it to rest for 5 minutes, then slice it all up as thinly as you can. Lay the slices on a large plate. After preparing the beef, sprinkle the roasted beetroots randomly (whole, halved or quartered, depending on size) over the sliced meat. Now mix the horseradish and creme fraiche together. It has to be seasoned well, usually needing a little white wine vinegar or lemon juice. Dribble this over the beetroots. Dress some watercress with olive oil and lemon juice. Then scatter this, along with some small slivers of shaved Parmesan, all over the plate and get ready to tuck in! Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 35 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Portuguese Chocolate Tarts

5 ounce (150 gram) slab puff pastry 1 egg yolk 2 tablespoons caster sugar (superfine sugar) Pinch allspice A couple pinches cinnamon 1 orange, zested

For the filling: 5 1/2 fluid ounces (160 millilitres) double cream (heavy cream) 2 level tablespoons caster sugar The smallest pinch salt 1/2 stick butter, softened 1/2 pound best-quality baking chocolate, broken up 1 1/2 fluid ounces (50 millilitres) milk Cocoa powder, for dusting Dust a surface with flour and roll out your pastry to a bit bigger than an 8 1/2-by-11-inch sheet of paper. Brush with the egg yolk and scatter the rest of the ingredients over, being subtle with the allspice and cinnamon. Roll the pastry up tightly like a Swiss roll to make a long sausage shape. With a knife, cut across the sausage into 1-inch (2 1/2-centimeter) pieces. Take 8 pieces aside, and freeze the rest of the pastry for a rainy day. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C/gas 6). Turn all the pieces of pastry swirl-side up and flatten them slightly. Dust the surface of your pastry with flour, then roll each piece out into a thin circle (around the size of a teacup saucer). Even I don't have proper pastry molds at home, so I just grease and flour the outsides of 8 of my glass tumblers. Then, I place a circle of pastry on top of each tumbler, pleating, pinching and hugging the pastry around them. Place the tumblers on a baking tray, pastry at the top, and put in the preheated oven until crisp and golden, around 15 minutes. Remove from the oven and, while still hot, take a tea towel and pat the slightly raised top of the pastry back down on to the flat bottom of the tumbler ? giving you a flat base again. Allow to cool, and carefully remove the pastry cases from around the tumblers. Fill your pastry cases with the chocolate filling: Place the double cream, sugar, and pinch of salt in a pan and bring to the boil. As soon as the mixture has boiled, remove from the heat, and add the butter and chocolate. Stir until it has completely melted. Allow the mixture to cool slightly, stirring in the cold milk until smooth and shiny. Sometimes this mixture looks like it has split. Allow the mixture to cool down a bit more, and whisk in a little extra cold milk until smooth. Scrape all the mixture into the cooked pastry shells. Shake to even it out and allow to cool for around 1 to 2 hours, until it is at room temperature. Dust with the cocoa powder. Ultimately the pastry should be short and crisp and the filling should be smooth and should cut like butter. Yield: around 8 pastry cases Prep Time: 20 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours Cook Time: 25 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Roasted Sweet Garlic and Thyme Risotto with Toasted Almonds and Breadcrumbs

Don't be scared by this one, the garlic is not overpowering, it's extremely subtle and delicate combination. 2 large heads garlic, whole and unpeeled Approximately 1 quart (1.1 litres) chicken stock 1 tablespoon olive oil 3 shallots or 2 medium onions, finely chopped 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped 1/2 head celery, finely chopped 14 ounces (400 grams) risotto rice 2 wine glasses dry white vermouth or dry white wine Sea salt 1 good handful fresh thyme, leaves picked Freshly ground black pepper 2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) butter 4 ounces (115 grams) freshly grated Parmesan 51/2 ounces (155 grams) shelled and peeled almonds, lightly crushed, cracked or chopped 2 handfuls coarse fresh bread crumbs Olive oil For the basic risotto: Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C). Roast the whole garlic heads on a dish in the oven until soft, about 30 minutes. Stage 1: Heat the stock. In a separate pan heat the olive oil, add the shallots or onions, garlic, and celery, and fry slowly for about 4 minutes. When the vegetables have softened, add the rice and turn up the heat. Stage 2: The rice will now begin to fry, so keep stirring it. After a minute it will look slightly translucent. Add the vermouth or wine and keep stirring, it will smell fantastic. Any harsh alcohol flavours will evaporate and leave the rice with a tasty essence. Stage 3: Once the vermouth or wine has cooked into the rice, add your first ladle of hot stock and a good pinch of salt. Separate the roasted garlic cloves and squeeze out the sweet insides into the risotto. Add the thyme and black pepper to the risotto. Turn down the heat to a highish simmer, so the rice doesn't cook too quickly on the outside. Keep adding ladles of stock. Stage 4: Remove from the heat and add the butter and Parmesan. Stir gently. Place a lid on the pan and allow to sit for 2 to 3 minutes. This is the most important part of making the risotto, as this is when it becomes outrageously creamy and oozy like it should be. Eat as soon as possible while the risotto retains its perfect texture. In a frying pan toast the almonds and bread crumbs in a little olive oil until crisp and golden. Season with a little salt. Set to one side. Serve the risotto with the toasted almonds and bread crumbs sprinkled over the top. Lovely. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 50 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Beef with Soy Sauce and Ginger

2 (8 ounce/ 225 gram) sirloin steaks Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 2 pak choy or bok choy (even spinach or any other greens will do) 8 tablespoons soy sauce 1 thumb-sized piece of ginger, peeled 1 chilli, deseeded and finely chopped 1/2 a garlic clove, finely grated 1 lime, juiced Olive oil On a very hot griddle pan, cook your seasoned piece of sirloin steak until medium or to your liking. Place in a plate and allow to rest for 2 minutes. Now cook your greens in salted boiling water until tender. While hot, douse with a good couple of tablespoons of soy sauce, and sprinkle with the garlic, ginger, chilli, lime juice and olive oil. When the greens are cooked, simply divide onto two plates, thinly slice up the sirloin steaks, place on top of the greens and drizzle with any of the infused sauce left on the resting plate.

The Easiest Sexiest Salad in the World

6 ripe figs 6 slices prosciuitto or Parma ham A good handful green or purple basil 6 small balls buffalo mozzarella, torn

For the Honey and Lemon Juice Dressing: 1 tablespoon good honey 6 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 3 tablespoons lemon juice Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Cut a criss-cross in the figs, but not quite to the bottom, and then, using your thumb and forefinger, squeeze the base of the fig to reveal the inside. Place the figs on a large plate and weave around I piece of prosciutto or Palma ham around each fig. Add the ripped up basil and the buffalo mozzarella. Drizzle over the honey, making sure each fig has some in the middle, then drizzle the olive oil, lemon juice, and salt and pepper. Or: Mix all the dressing ingredients together in a bowl and season, to taste, then drizzle everything with the honey and lemon juice dressing. Yield: 6 servings

Margaritas

2 shots of tequila 1 shot Cointreau 1 shot freshly squeezed lime juice Salt and lime wedge, to serve Put all the ingredients into a shaker. Shake well and serve in a martini glass with a salt rim and a split lime wedge.

Salmon with Herbs in Newspaper

A copy of The Times (London, New York, Chicago, or LA, your choice) 4 large handfuls fresh mixed herbs (dill, basil, rosemary, flat leaf parsley, and fennel tops) 1 (3 1/2 to 4 pound/ 1.5 kilogram) whole salmon, scaled and gutted Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Olive oil 2 lemons, thinly sliced 6 spring onions, thinly sliced 2 tablespoons fennel seeds, cracked Open out the paper to the middle page, and scatter half the herbs over it. Place the salmon in the middle of the paper and season inside and out and rub with olive oil. Scatter over the lemon slices, spring onions, fennel seeds and remaining herbs, tucking some inside the fish. Drizzle with a little extra olive oil. Wrap the paper around the salmon, securing it well with lots of string. Dampen the paper well under the tap. Place parcel directly on the top shelf of a preheated 425 degrees F (220 degrees C) oven, for 35 minutes, or preferably, cook on the barbecue or on a rack over a camp fire for about 25 minutes on each side. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 35 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Brunch Breads

Basic Bread Mix: 3 (1/4 ounce/7 gram) sachets dried yeast 2.2 pounds (1 kilogram) bread flour, plus extra flour, for dusting. Just over 1 pint tepid water (625 millilitres) 2 level tablespoons sea salt 1 ounce (30 grams) sugar

Savoury Rolled Bread of Parma Ham, Egg, Cheese, Egg, and Basil: 10 slices Parma ham 8 large organic eggs, boiled for 8 minutes and shelled 14 ounces (400 grams) cheese (a mix of Cheddar, Parmesan, Fontina, mozzarella, or any leftovers that need to be used up), grated 2 handfuls fresh basil Sun-dried tomatoes Extra-virgin olive oil Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Chopped fresh rosemary leaves

Sweet Rolled Bread of Chocolate, Hazelnut, and Banana: 1 jar chocolate spread Chopped toasted hazelnuts 2 bananas, sliced Basic Bread Mix: Mix all the ingredients together and knead into a dough. Cut the dough in half. Roll one piece of dough out into a long rectangular shape about 1/2 inch (1 centimetre) thick, about 39 1/2 inches (1 meter) long and 12 to 15 inches wide. Savoury: Along the middle of the first piece of rolled out dough, lay out your Parma ham, eggs, cheese, basil, and tomatoes. Drizzle with olive oil and season with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Pull the dough over the filling so it forms what looks like a cannelloni shape. Bring one end round to the other so that they join up. Pinch and pat the two ends together firmly to form a doughnut shaped bread. Brush on olive oil and sprinkle the loaf with a little sea salt and rosemary. Transfer to a baking tray dusted with flour and allow to proof for 15 minutes. Place in a preheated 400 degrees F (200 degrees C) oven until golden, about 35 minutes. Sweet: On the second piece of the rolled out dough use a palette knife to cover the surface with chocolate spread. Sprinkle some toasted chopped hazelnuts and the sliced banana onto the dough. Roll up into a cannelloni shape and then roll the long snake shape inside itself to form a snail shape. Sprinkle with chopped hazelnuts. Transfer to a baking tray dusted with flour and allow to proof for 15 minutes. Bake in a preheated 400 degrees F (200 degrees C) for 35 minutes. Yield: 6 to 8 servings per loaf Prep Time: 20 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 35 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Chicken Breast Baked in a Bag

2 (7 ounce/ 200 gram) skinless chicken breasts, scored 1 egg, beaten with 2 tablespoons water 1 handful dried porcini 9 ounces (255 grams) mixed mushrooms (field, oyster, and shiitake), torn up 1 large wineglass white wine 2 medium potatoes, peeled, sliced and cooked 3 large knobs (tablespoons) butter 1 handful fresh thyme 2 cloves garlic, peeled and sliced Olive oil Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Mix the mushrooms, wine, potatoes, butter, thyme, garlic, olive oil, salt, and pepper together in a bowl; add the chicken. Using wide aluminium foil, make a bag by folding 1 large (about 3 feet) piece in half. Brush all four edges with egg wash and fold the foil in half again, creating a double thick bag with a closed end. Fold the side edges over twice, creating two sealed edges; and leaving one side open. Place mixture into the aluminium foil bag, including all the liquid, making sure you don't pierce the foil. Close up the final edge, making sure the bag is tightly sealed and secure on all sides, and carefully slide it on to a roasting tray. Place the tray on a high heat on the burners for 1 minute to get the heat going, then bake in the middle of the preheated oven for 25 minutes Remove from the oven, place the bag on a big plate, take it to the table and break open the foil. Yield: 2 servings Prep Time: 30 minutes Cook Time: 25 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Cook in Curry Sauce

5 tablespoons vegetable oil 2 teaspoons mustard seeds 1 teaspoon fenugreek seeds 3 fresh green chiles, seeds removed and thinly sliced A handful curry leaves, ripped into small pieces 2 thumb-sized pieces ginger 3 onions, peeled and chopped 6 tomatoes, chopped 1 teaspoon turmeric 1 teaspoon chilli powder 1 or 2 wineglasses water (about 10 ounces) 14 fluid ounces (400 millilitre) can coconut milk Salt

Fish version: 4 (8-ounce/225 gram) haddock fillets, skinned and pin-boned 1 knob (1 tablespoon) tamarind paste or 1 teaspoon tamarind syrup A very large handful baby spinach, optional

Chicken version: 4 chicken breasts, sliced into 1/2-inch (1 centimetre) strips A few cashew nuts, toasted and crushed

Vegetarian version: 1 3/4 pounds (800 grams) mixed vegetables, chopped (potatoes, zucchini, peppers, onions, sweet potatoes, spinach, chard, cauliflower, lentils, beans) Heat the oil in a pan when hot add the mustard seeds. Wait for them to pop, then add the fenugreek, green chile, curry leaves, and ginger, stir and fry for a few minutes. Using a food processor, chop the onion, add to pan, and continue to cook. When brown and soft, add the chili powder and turmeric. Using the same food processor, blend the tomatoes and add to the pan. Cook for a couple of minutes, add 1 or 2 wineglasses of water and the coconut milk. Simmer for about 5 minutes until it has the consistency of thick heavy cream then season carefully with salt. Take this sauce as a base. To make the fish curry, add the fish and tamarind to the sauce and simmer for about 6 minutes. Feel free to add some baby spinach at the end of the cooking time. For the chicken version, stir-fry the chicken strips, and cashew nuts until lightly coloured, then add the sauce and simmer for ten minutes. For the vegetarian version simply add all the vegetables to the sauce at the beginning when you add the onions. Continue to cook as normal and simmer until tender. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Lemon Pickle

2 teaspoon mustard seeds 2 tablespoons olive oil A small handful curry leaves, optional 1 teaspoon urad dhal/skinned and split black lentils, optional 1 teaspoon chili powder 4 tablespoons white wine vinegar 2 medium lemons, washed, deseeded, and chopped Fry the mustard seeds in the hot oil. As they begin to pop, add the curry leaves and urad dhal. Lower the heat and add the chili powder; cook until brown, then add the vinegar. Stir in the lemon, remove from the heat and leave to cool. Can be stored in the refrigerator for a week. Yield: 1/2 cup Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 5 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Chocolate Mousse with Sesame Snaps

8 ounces (200 grams) good quality dark chocolate, bashed up 2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) butter, cut into pieces 12 fluid ounces (350 millilitres) heavy cream 2 large eggs, preferably organic 2 tablespoons Scottish Heather honey 1 tablespoon Scottish whiskey 1 pound (455 grams) caster sugar 8 tablespoons butter 7 ounces (200 gram) sesame seeds In a bowl over some gently simmering water, slowly melt the chocolate and butter together then remove from the heat. In a separate bowl, whip the cream to soft peaks. In a third bowl, whisk the eggs and honey until light and fluffy then fold in the whisky, melted chocolate mixture and cream, gently, so you don't lose too much air. Pour into small chilled 4 or 6 wine glasses or serving dishes and chill for at least an hour before serving. Put your sugar and 8 tablespoons of water into a pan on medium heat. Use a spoon to stir together, it will become a syrup. Cook until light golden, then add the sesame seeds and continue to cook until dark golden. Pour out the sesame seed caramel onto an oiled non-stick tray or oiled tin foil. Use a palette knife to push it out to about 1/2-inch (0.5 centimetres) thick (even thinner if you can). Allow to cool for about 15 minutes and you will have one big sesame seed caramel biscuit. Bash it up as you like! Yield: 4 to 6 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 1 hour Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Huge Yorkshire Puddings

1/2 pint (285 millilitres) milk 4 ounces (115 grams) all-purpose flour Pinch salt 3 eggs Vegetable oil Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Mix the batter ingredients together. Let rest for 10 minutes Preheat a Yorkshire pudding tray or muffin tin with 1/2-inch (1 centimetre) of oil in each section. After the 10 minutes divide the batter into the tray. Cook for around 15 to 20 minutes until crisp and puffy, don't open the oven door before then or they won't rise. Yield: 8 to 10 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Best Roast Beef

1 (5 1/2-pound) fore-rib, wing-rib or sirloin of beef, French trimmed (2.5 kilograms) Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Olive oil 3 red onions, halved 2 bulbs garlic, plus 4 cloves garlic, peeled 7 pounds (3 kilograms) roasting potatoes, peeled 3 rosemary sprigs 2 thumb-sized pieces ginger, peeled and diced 1/2 bottle robust red wine

Yorkshire pudding, recipe follows Preheat oven to 450 degrees F (230 degrees C), and heat a large thick-bottomed roasting tray on the stovetop. Rub the beef generously with salt, then add a little olive oil to the tray and lightly color the meat for a couple of minutes on all sides. Lay the onions and bulbs of garlic in the tray with the beef on top of them, then cook in the pre-heated oven for a total of 1 1/2 hours. While the beef is roasting, parboil your potatoes in salted boiling water for around 10 minutes and drain in a colander. Toss about to chuff them up, this will make them really crispy. After 30 minutes, take the tray out and toss in your potatoes and rosemary. With a garlic press or grater, squeeze or grate the cloves of garlic and ginger over everything in the tray. Shake the tray and whack it back in the oven for the final hour. Remove the potatoes to a dish to keep warm, place the beef on a plate, covered with foil, to rest, and get your greens and Yorkshire puddings on. Remove most of the fat from your roasting tray and you should be left with caramelized onions and sticky beef goodness. Add 1 teaspoon of flour to the tray and mash everything together. Heat the tray on the stovetop and when hot, add the red wine. Simmer for 5 to 10 minutes, stirring every couple of minutes, until your gravy is really tasty and coats back of a spoon. Add any juice from the beef and feel free to add some water or stock to thin the gravy if you like. Pour through a coarse sieve and push it through with a spoon, pushing it through with a spoon, and serve in a warmed gravy jug. Serve with Yorkshire puddings. Huge Yorkshire Puddings: 1/2 pint (285 millilitres) milk 4 ounces (115 grams) all-purpose flour Pinch salt 3 eggs Vegetable oil Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Mix the batter ingredients together. Let rest for 10 minutes Preheat a Yorkshire pudding tray or muffin tin with 1/2-inch (1 centimetre) of oil in each section. After the 10 minutes divide the batter into the tray. Cook for around 15 to 20 minutes until crisp and puffy, don't open the oven door before then or they won't rise. Yield: 8 to 10 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 2 hours Difficulty: Easy

Seared Salmon with Courgettes, Asparagus, and Rocket

4 (6 ounce/170g) salmon fillets, skinned Extra-virgin olive oil 4 baby courgettes (zucchini), sliced lengthways 4 yellow courgettes (summer squash), roughly chopped (if not available, use green courgettes) Pinch Maldon sea salt 2 good handfuls thin asparagus 200g (about 7 ounces) rocket (arugula) 2 lemons, halved

For the dressing: Large handful of fresh thyme, leaves picked Maldon sea salt 4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 1 lemon, juiced Season the salmon fillets and lightly drizzle them in olive oil. Season the courgettes and asparagus with salt. Heat a griddle pan (or, ideally, use a barbecue) and, when very hot, sear the salmon and vegetables until nicely char-grilled. This should only take a few minutes on each side. Meanwhile, make your dressing. In a pestle and mortar, bash the thyme with a pinch of salt until nicely bruised (or you can finely chop the thyme if you don’t own a pestle). Pour in the olive oil and lemon juice and stir. Remove the salmon and vegetables from the heat. Toss the vegetables with the rocket, drizzle with the dressing and serve with the salmon. Finish off with a bit more dressing drizzled over the salmon. Serve with half a lemon. Lovely. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Pork and Crackling

If you have a good butcher, ask him for the rib or rump end of the pork loin ? it’s more evenly sized, making it easier to cook. Ask him to leave the skin on and to score it across with lines about 5mm/1/4 in. apart and then to take it off the bone. Ask him to chop the bones up for you and take them home to use for your gravy. 1/2 pork loin roughly 7 pounds in weight (on the bone), scored 1/4-inch apart, bone removed Sea salt 1 tablespoon chopped fresh rosemary 1/2 tablespoon fennel seeds 5 cloves garlic 8 tablespoons balsamic vinegar 4 bay leaves 2 tablespoons olive oil Pork bones, chopped 5 outer sticks celery, roughly chopped 1 large carrot, roughly chopped 1 large onion, roughly chopped Lay out your pork on a board and rub some salt and 1 teaspoon chopped rosemary into the scored lines, trying to get this into every bit by pushing and rubbing in. In a pestle and mortar smash up the fennel seeds, then the garlic and remaining chopped rosemary, and rub this into the meat ? not the skin, or it will burn. Place in a large roasting tray with the balsamic vinegar, bay and olive oil. Leave for about 1/2 hour to marinate. Meanwhile, preheat your oven to its highest temperature and brown the bones. Rub the skin of the pork with lots of sea salt ? this will help puff it up and dry it out. Place the pork directly on the bars at the top of the oven. Finally add the browned bones and vegetables to the leftover balsamic marinade, add 570ml, 1 pint water and put into the oven directly under the pork. As the pork cooks all the goodness drips from it into the tray. This liquid will then become your gravy. You also get quite charred bar marks on the base of the pork. The pork will take about 1 hour to cook. After 20 minutes turn the temperature down to 220C/425F/Gas 7. Once the pork is cooked, remove it from the oven on the rack and place on a piece of foil to save any juices. Allow to rest for at least 10 minutes. Finish off any vegetables that you are going to serve with it and make a gravy out of the juices in the tray which was underneath the pork. Put the bones, the liquid and the vegetables into a large pan. Add some water to the tray that contained the bones and vegetables, as there will be some Marmite-like, sticky stuff on the bottom to the tray which is very tasty. Reboil the water, scrape off all the goodness from the bottom of the tray and then pour everything into the pan. Bring to the boil, shaking occasionally, remove any oil, grease or scum from the top, then pass the contents through a sieve, discarding all the vegetables and bones. You can reduce and then correct the seasoning, to taste. Yield: 8 servings

Baked Jerusalem Artichokes with Bread Crumbs, Thyme and Lemon

1/2 pint creme fraiche or double cream 1 lemon, juiced 2 cloves garlic, peeled and finely chopped 1 good handful fresh thyme, picked and chopped 1 to 2 handfuls grated Parmesan cheese 3 handfuls Jerusalem artichokes, peeled and sliced as thick as a pencil 2 good handfuls stale bread crumbs Salt and freshly ground black pepper Olive oil Preheat your oven to 230C/450F.Gas 8. In a bowl mix together your creme fraiche, lemon juice, garlic, half the thyme and most of the Parmesan, and season well to taste. Thin out with around 6 to 8 tablespoons of water and throw in the sliced Jerusalem artichokes. Mix well and place everything in an ovenproof baking dish. Cover with tin foil and bake for 35 minutes. Mix the bread crumbs, the remaining thyme and some salt and pepper with a touch of olive oil. Remove the artichokes from the oven, discard the foil and sprinkle the remaining Parmesan over the top. Then sprinkle the flavoured bread crumbs over the Parmesan. Use up all the bread crumbs. Bake in the oven for about15 minutes until the bread crumbs are golden. If you’re in a pokey pokey kind of mood you can poke the artichokes about a bit so some of the bread crumbs fall underneath them. This makes it look more rustic instead of like a crumble. Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 45 minutes

Marinated Feta Cheese Salad

1 pound feta cheese Flaked dry red chili Dried oregano Dried parsley Bay leaf Dried lemon thyme Dried purple basil Freshly ground black pepper Fennel seeds Remove the feta cheese from the pack and pat as dry as possible with kitchen towel. Press the flavours into it. Pack the cheese tightly into a jar and cover with olive oil. It will keep in the fridge for up to two months. Tips: Don’t use bought dried herbs, instead make your own by drying leftover fresh herbs on a baking sheet. Leave them somewhere warm; e.g. on top of your boiler, washing machine, or oven and they will dry within a week. Or put them in the oven at 200 to 225 degrees for 1 hour. Uses: On a big plate, covered in fresh basil – served with lots of other salads. As a cheese course, with crusty bread and fruit Don’t throw away the oil – use it in your dressing

Roasted Hamilton Poussin Wrapped with Streaky Bacon and Stuffed with Potatoes and Sage

4 poussin chickens 12 rashers dry-curled streaky bacon 1 pound potatoes, peeled Handful fresh sage, thyme or rosemary (all are good) 12 cloves garlic, peeled 1/2 cup white wine, plus 1 cup Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Olive oil Preheat your oven and an appropriately sized roasting tray to 425 to 450 degrees. Boil your potatoes in salted water until perfectly cooked (don’t overcook). Drain and allow to cool. Remove any fat from inside the chicken cavity. Wash and pat dry with kitchen paper. Slice your potatoes thickly, season with salt and freshly ground black pepper, add your freshly torn herbs and enough olive oil just to coat. Toss over and then stuff your chickens with the potatoes. Place them into the tray with about 12 cloves of garlic and cook for 30 minutes. After this time the chicken should be looking as handsome as its inventor and the skin should be crisp and golden. At this point lay your streaky bacon snugly over the breast meat and add a 1/2 cup of wine to the pan to get some sticky marmitey juices happening. Cook for another 15 minutes. Remove the chicken from the oven. Take them out of the tray and allow them to rest for 5 minutes while you make a quick bit of gravy. I normally remove as much fat as possible from the tray before placing on gentle heat. Splash the remaining 1 cup of white wine into it. Then boil up and scrape away all the goodness from the sides of the tray. Simmer this for a couple of minutes until tasty. It’s not a thick, robust gravy, just a tasty gesture. (Another nice option at this point is to add a little cream to the gravy which works really well.) Served with something nice and green like steamed spinach and the potatoes pulled out from the chickens. Prep Time: 50 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour

Spiced Cherry Tomato Chutney

1 onion, finely chopped 2 cloves garlic, chopped 2 to 4 small red chilies, crumbled Large pinch coriander seeds, pounded 2 cloves, pounded 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg, pounded Small pinch cumin, pounded Olive oil 4 anchovy fillets 3 ounces ripe red cherry tomatoes, washed, whole 1 pound 4 ounces brown sugar 8 good lugs vinegar (preferably red wine) Salt and freshly ground black pepper Slowly fry the onions, garlic and spices in a little olive oil soft and translucent. Add the anchovies and cherry tomatoes (which you can blanch and remove the skins first if you like.) Shake around and add the sugar, vinegar and salt and pepper at this point. Bring to the boil, stir and simmer gently for 30 minutes before seasoning well to taste and transfer to a few small, sterilized airtight jars, rather than a large one, and seal. If unopened, the chutney will improve in flavor and last up to a year in your cupboard. Once opened, keep in your refrigerator for 1 to 2 months. Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 55 minutes

Salted Preserved Lemons

This is a Moroccan recipe. Fennel seeds Coriander seeds Cinnamon stick Peppercorns Bay Leaf Sea salt Large fat Lemons (preferably Sicilian ones with the leaves still attached) In a bowl mix the spices into the sea salt. Cut a cross into the lemons – almost to the base, but so that the quarters stay together. Push the seasoned salt into the lemon segments and pack the lemons as tightly as possible into an airtight jar. The less space there is between the lemons the more attractive it will look and you won’t need to use so much salt. The lemons will be ready after one month of preserving, and will last for about 2 years. Tips: The peel is edible This also works very well with limes You could preserve oranges like this too – but there are not so many recipes which use them You must use sea salt not table salt – table salt is too chemical and harsh Uses: For seasoning rice and couscous – it works like salt and makes the rice and couscous lemon scented Put chicken/fish into a foil bag and bake with the lemon salt Use to season stews and soups Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 99 hours

Chunky Coconut, Tomato, Cucumber and Lime Relish

This is a really nice fresh salad/relish and is very simple to make. It goes especially well with Fragrant Green Chicken Curry. 16 cherry tomatoes, quartered or roughly chopped 1/2 fresh coconut, grated or shaved 1 small handful of basil, or coriander, roughly chopped 6 inches cucumber, skinned, seeds removed and roughly chopped 1 thinly sliced red chili (optional) 1 tablespoon olive oil Salt and freshly ground black pepper 1 or 2 limes, juiced Put the tomatoes, coconut, basil, cucumbers and chili, if using, into a bowl and toss. Just before serving, toss in the olive oil, salt, pepper and lime juice to taste. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 12 minutes Cook Time:

Fragrant Green Chicken Curry

I was asked to make this by my sister’s husband, who’d eaten something similar in a Thai restaurant. I looked up a lot of recipes and they all seemed quite different, so I used them as a basis and added some more fresh herbs, trying to get it as fragrant as possible. If you are a veggie, replace the chicken with vegetables of your choice. Green Curry Paste: 6 spring onions, washed and trimmed 4 to 6 medium green chilies, seeded and finely chopped 2 cloves garlic 1 tablespoon fresh ginger root, peeled and finely chopped 1 tablespoon coriander seeds, pounded and crushed 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste 1/2 handful lime leaves, torn 2 lemon grass stalks, trimmed back and finely chopped 2 good handfuls fresh basil on the stalk 3 good handfuls fresh coriander on the stalk 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 4 limes, zested and juiced

4 chicken breasts without bone and skin, each cut into 5 large pieces 16 ounces coconut milk 1 handful chopped pistachio nuts Put all the green curry paste ingredients in a food processor and whizz to a smooth green paste. Marinate the chicken in a little of the paste for 30 minutes, then add a little oil and the chicken pieces to a hot casserole-type pan or wok. Fry for 4 minutes, then add the remainder of the marinade – it will sizzle and spit. Stir in the coconut milk, bring to the boil and simmer gently for 8 minutes until the chicken is cooked. Season to taste. The flavor should have a kick but be reasonably mellow – very fresh and fragrant. Sprinkle with the pistachios and some coriander leaves and serve with steamed rice or noodles, and chunky coconut, tomato, cucumber and lime relish. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 45 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes

Vegetable Tempura

Tempura batter is very handy and easy to make. You can use it with just about any vegetable, as long as they are cut thin enough so that the vegetable can just cook and soften in the same time as it takes for the batter to crisp. These can be eaten alone as a starter with a good sprinkle of rock salt, halves of lemon or lime and possibly some of the dips. The battered vegetables also make a nice side dish, especially with simply cooked meat or fish and a salad. 7 ounces plain flour 3 1/2 ounces corn flour Ice-cold water, preferably soda or sparkling 3 pounds of assorted vegetables (see below) Add all the flour to a bowl. With the handle of a spoon, or a chopstick, mix, and stir in the ice-cold water until the mixture is slightly thicker than buttermilk consistency. Make a point of not mixing thoroughly, as tempura is renowned for lumps of flour. Dip sliced vegetables (zucchini, onions, eggplants, carrots, bell peppers, sweet potatoes, string beans, broccoli, wild mushrooms, fresh herbs, and bok choy) any vegetables will work but these are the most commonly used) into the batter mixture and shake off any excess. Deep fry vegetables in a wok or deep fat fryer (you can use a frying pan if you do not have anything else, you just need about 7cm/3 inches of clean oil) at 200C/400F/Gas 6 until the batter is light golden in color and crisp. (Any large amounts of hot oil in a kitchen, especially in woks which are not always that sturdy, scare me, please be careful and do not leave the pan unattended.) Turn the vegetables at intervals to ensure that both sides are cooked equally and then fish them out with a slotted spoon, shaking off any excess oil. Place them on kitchen paper towels and eat as soon as possible. The reason that I keep going on about eating them so quickly is because as your hot cooked vegetables cool down inside the batter they begin to steam, making them less crisp as time goes on. Good tempura should be crispy and is one of those things that should be made and cooked quickly and eaten straight away. Tempura Dipping Sauce: 1 cup rice wine vinegar 2 tablespoons sugar 1/2 handful cilantro, chopped 1 small chile, seeded and finely chopped 1/2 teaspoon chopped garlic Salt and freshly ground black pepper Pour the rice wine vinegar into a small bowl. Add the sugar and stir until the sugar is dissolved. Taste for sweetness. Add cilantro, chile, and garlic and mix well. Season with salt and pepper and allow to sit for 10 minutes to 1 hour, for flavours to combine. Yield: 6 to 8 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 25 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Praline Semi-Freddo

This is one of my favourites, roasted hazelnuts in caramel, just superb! To make the caramel successfully, it needs your undivided attention for about 10 minutes. You can’t leave it for a moment, and do be careful with the kids around – caramel burns are some of the worst kind, no joke! I’ve never burnt myself on caramel and nor should you, just use your head and resist the temptation to taste it at any time. 1 vanilla bean 1/4 cup sugar 4 large fresh eggs, separated 2 cups plus 2 tablespoons heavy cream Salt 1 recipe Praline (see below) Remove the seeds from the vanilla bean by scoring down the length and scraping the seeds out of each half. Whisk the vanilla seeds and sugar with the egg yolks in a large bowl until pale. In a second bowl whisk the cream until soft peaks form. (Important! Please don't overwhip it.) Then in the third bowl whisk or beat the egg whites with an electric mixer with a pinch of salt until they form very firm peaks (this is when you can pull the egg whites in any direction and they will stay like it). At this point add the praline, the cream and egg whites, to the egg yolk mixture. Gently fold in. Immediately scoop the contents into your chosen container. Cover with plastic wrap and freeze until you're ready to eat it. Praline: 11 ounces peeled hazelnuts 7 ounces sugar 4 tablespoons water Roast the hazelnuts in the oven at 225C/425F/Gas 7 until golden (about 4 minutes). Really watch them, because if you over-roast them they go bitter and you can’t use them. Put the sugar and water in a thick-bottomed pan and place on a medium to high heat. The mixture will start to bubble and then turn into a clear syrup. To begin with, it will gradually start to color in parts or from the sides. Gently and carefully shake the pan, just moving it to mix the patches of color. When it’s all golden brown, carefully tip it away from you and gently add the nuts. Turn the heat down to a simmer and gently stir to coat the nuts in caramel. When the caramel is dark golden brown, turn it out on to a clean, lightly oiled tray, or on to greaseproof paper on a surface that won’t burn. It will cool to a flattish solid sheet. When completely cooled (which takes about 20 minutes), smash it up roughly and pulse it in a food processor until the pieces are still quite chunky (very approximate size about 1/2 cm/ 1/4-inch). Remove about half the praline, then pulse the rest to a powder (or put it in a tea-towel and bash with a rolling-pin), and add both lots of praline to the semi-freddo mixture. Yield: Serves 12


Chocolate Fridge Cake

5 1/4 ounces (150 grams) digestive biscuits 3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) pecans 3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) pistachio nuts 10 glace cherries 2 ready made meringue nests, crumbled into small pieces 5 1/4 ounces (150 grams) butter 1 tablespoon golden syrup 7 ounces (200 grams) good quality chocolate Cocoa powder, for dusting Break the biscuits into small pieces directly into a large bowl. Add the pecans, pistachio nuts, cherries and bits of meringue. Put the rest of the ingredients, except the cocoa powder, into a bowl and put over a pan of simmering water on low heat to melt. Mix the ingredients together and place in the container which acts as your mold. To help with turning out, line a 12 by 8-inch (30 by 20 centimetre) container with cling film, first leaving plenty of extra film at the edges to fold over the top. Leave in the refrigerator to firm up then turn out and cut into chunky slices. This cake can be kept in an airtight container and actually improves after a couple of days. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Easy Jools


Jools' Bolognaise Sauce. 1lb/450g best minced beef 8 rashers of smoked bacon sliced and chopped 1 large onion, chopped 2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped Level teaspoon salt Glass of red wine Teaspoon dried oregano Tin of tomatoes Large tube or half a tin of tomato puree (I use loads!) Black pepper Olive oil Handful fresh basil In a large pan, fry off the minced beef, bacon, onion and garlic in a tablespoon of olive oil. Add the wine and reduce to nothing, add the oregano, tinned tomatoes and tomato puree. I think that the tomato puree is important for flavour and it thickens the sauce. Add the salt and some freshly ground black pepper, bring it to the boil and simmer gently for a couple of hours. Add some ripped up fresh basil just before serving. Serve the sauce with pasta and Parmesan cheese or nice strong grated cheddar. A green salad is nice with this.


Kids Recipes

Spaghetti with Red Onions, Sun Dried Tomatoes, Balsamic Vinegar and Basil Serves 4 455g/1lb dried spaghetti, the best you can get 1 red onion, peeled and finely chopped Olive oil 2 handfuls of sun-dried tomatoes in oil, chopped 3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar Salt and freshly ground black pepper 2 handfuls of basil, torn 1small handful of Parmesan or pecorino cheese, grated While cooking the Spaghetti in plenty of salted boiling water until al dente, slowly fry the onion in a couple of lugs of olive oil, for 5 minutes until soft and tender. Stir in the drained tomatoes and vinegar, and throw in your drained pasta. Season and toss together with the basil, serve with grated Parmesan or Pecorino.


Party Cake

3 rounded tablespoons cocoa powder 200g/7oz caster sugar 200g/7oz butter 3 large eggs, preferably free range 200g/7oz self raising flour, sifted 1 rounded teaspoon baking powder 200ml/7fl oz double cream 1 large handful raspberries 1 large handful strawberries Chocolate Topping 100g/3 ¾ oz butter 100g/3 ¾ oz best cooking chocolate 100g /3 ¾ oz icing sugar 3 tablespoons milk Preheat the oven to 180°C/ 350°F Gas 4. Line the bases of 2x20cm / 8inch cake tins with greased proof paper. Mix the cocoa powder with 4 tablespoons of boiling water until smooth. In a separate bowl, beat the sugar and butter until fluffy, add the cocoa mixture, eggs, flour and baking powder. Mix well fold in the nuts. Divide the mixture between the tins. Bake for about 25mins. When cooked, allow to cool then remove from the tins. Melt the chocolate topping ingredients in a bowl over some lightly simmering water. Stir until blended well and allow to cool. Whip the double cream to soft peaks and sweeten with a little sugar to taste. To assemble the cake, remove the greaseproof paper from both sponges. Drizzle each one with a little Sherry if you like. Spread the cream over one of the sponges, then sprinkle the fruit on top. Sandwich the second sponge on top and press down. Run a knife around the edge of the cake to smooth it off and drizzle over your chocolate topping. Happy Days, you’ve done it! But allow the chocolate topping to firm up slightly before tucking in.

Orange and Polenta Biscuits Makes around 25 170g/6oz butter 170g/6oz sugar 255g/9oz polenta 100g/ 3 ¾ oz plain flour Zest of 2-3 oranges, finely chopped 2 large eggs Rub the butter, sugar, polenta and flour together before mixing in the orange zest and the eggs. Cover with cling film and put in the fridge for an hour until slightly firm. Place a large square of greaseproof paper on a baking tray and spoon small teaspoons of the mixture in lines 5cm/2" apart. Bake in a pre-heated oven at 190°C/375°F/Gas5 for around 5-6 minutes until the outside edges of your biscuits are lightly golden. Remove from the oven and allow to cool for 15 minutes before eating.


Banana and Honey Smoothie


Serves 2 people I did this for my cousins for a treat, I also added a little peanut butter ˜ mad! ˜ but they liked it. They didn't have a liquidiser so I mashed up the banana then I wrapped up the ice in a tea towel and bashed it with a rolling pin. Then you can mix all the ingredients together in a jug or bowl. Not a bad job!

Serves 2. 3 bananas. 3 dessert spoons of honey. 285ml / ½ a pint of single cream. Around a pint of ice cubes. Place the banana, cream and honey in the liquidiser and whizz up for 30 seconds before adding the ice cubes, place the lid on and pulse to a slushy milk shake consistency.

End of Kids Recipes The King of Puddings

4 eggs 1 pint (565 millilitres) milk 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 4 ounces (115 grams) fine bread crumbs 8 ounces (225 grams) sugar 4 level tablespoons jam (raspberry jam is really nice) Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C). Separate 3 of the eggs. Put the yolks in a bowl with the remaining whole egg and beat together. Add the milk, vanilla essence, bread crumbs, and 3 ounces (85 grams) of the sugar. Put the jam on the bottom of a pie dish and spread it evenly. Pour the egg and milk mixture over the jam. Bake in the preheated oven for 1 hour or until set. Whisk the remaining egg whites until stiff. You could use an electric whisk for this. Slowly add the remaining sugar until it is all mixed in. Pile this mixture on top of the pudding mixture, then bake in the oven for a further 15 to 20 minutes until the meringue is set and lightly browned. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour 20 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Slow Roasted Duck

2 (3 1/2 pound) Aylesbury ducks (1.5 kilograms) (can substitute Pekin ducks) Salt and freshly ground black pepper 9 ounces (255 grams) fresh ginger 2 long stalks baby rhubarb 2 handfuls fresh sage 1 bulb garlic, cloves removed and chopped in half 2 red onions, roughly sliced 2 wineglasses Marsala or Vin Santo 1 cup (285 millilitres) vegetable, chicken, or duck stock Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C). Season the ducks generously, putting some salt in the cavity as well. Make sure you save the fat and the giblets for the gravy. Coarsely grate half the ginger and rhubarb. Mix this in a bowl with half the sage and all the garlic and onion, and stuff the mixture inside the cavity of the ducks, ensuring there is an air cavity. Place the ducks on a tray on top of the chopped up giblets and roast in the oven for one hour. Turn the temperature down to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C) and cook for another 1 1/2 hours until crisp and tender. The ducks are ready when the skin is crisp and the leg bones can be easily removed. During this time you will need to drain the fat maybe 3 times into a bowl, this will separate into a clear fat which you can keep for roasting. Once cooked allow the ducks to rest on a warmed plate while you make the sauce. Drain off any remaining fat from the roasting tray. Pull out all the stuffing and any juices from the inside of the duck and put in the roasting tray and warm this on a low heat. Add the Marsala and loosen all the sticky goodness from the bottom of the tray, and reduce. Add the stock and reduce to a good taste and consistency. Pass the sauce trough a coarse sieve. Remove the breasts from the ducks with a knife and, using your hands, remove the thighs. Arrange the breasts and thighs on a large serving plate. Finely slice the remaining ginger and fry off in a little hot oil (or you can use the duck fat) in a non-stick pan. As the ginger begins to color, add the rest of the rhubarb, finely sliced, and the rest of the sage. Fry until crisp. Sprinkle this over the duck and drizzle with the sauce. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 2 hours 50 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Chocolate Cambridge Cream

3 vanilla pods 7 fluid ounces (200 millilitres) milk 13 fluid ounces (375 millilitres) double cream 8 large egg yolks, preferably organic 2 1/2 ounces (70 grams) caster sugar 1 heaped teaspoon cocoa powder 3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) good-quality chocolate, bashed up finely Extra sugar, for caramelizing Run a knife along the length of the vanilla pods, scraping out the seeds, and then chop up the pods. Put the seeds and pods in to a thick-bottomed pan with the milk and cream. Simmer slowly for 5 minutes for the flavor to infuse. In a bowl that will fit into the top of the pan, but not fall into the pan, whisk the egg yolks, sugar, and cocoa powder for a minute. Still slowly whisking, add the vanilla-flavoured milk and cream and keep whisking until well mixed. Add 1-inch (2.5 centimetres) of hot water to the dirty pan bring to a simmer and put the bowl on top of the pan. Cook the custard slowly over the simmering water for 5 minutes, stirring often until it coats the back of the spoon. Strain the custard through a fine sieve into a clean container. Discard the vanilla pods. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C). Put 4 ovenproof serving dishes in a high-sided roasting tray. Divide the chocolate between them and shake flat. Carefully divide the custard mix between the dishes; making sure the chocolate isn't disturbed. Fill the tray with water until it is halfway up the sides of the dishes. Cook in the preheated oven for around 30 to 45 minutes until slightly wobbly in the middle. Allow to cool, then sprinkle with some sugar, and caramelize with a blowtorch. Propane Gas Torch Warning: Propane gas torches are highly flammable and should be kept away from heat or flame, and should not be exposed to prolonged sunlight. Propane gas torches should only be used in well-ventilated areas. When lighting a propane gas torch, place the torch on a flat, steady surface, facing away from you. Light the match or lighter and then open the gas valve. Light the gas jet, and blow out the match. Always turn off the burner valve to "finger tight" when finished using the torch. Children should never use a propane gas torch without adult supervision. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 55 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Marinated Lamb

1 leg lamb, boned 1 large bunch mint, roughly chopped 1 large bunch cilantro, roughly chopped 2 cloves garlic, peeled 17 1/2 ounces (500 grams) natural yoghurt 1/2 (14-ounce/400 gram) can chickpeas, drained and mashed Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 1 lemon, juiced

Tray Roasted Vegetables: Baby carrots Quartered fennel, with its own leafy tops Quartered red onions Whole baby turnips Butternut squash, cut into chunks Jerusalem artichokes, scrubbed and halved 1/2 (14-ounce/400 gram) can chick peas, drained Ground cumin Coriander seeds Nutmeg Olive oil Salt and freshly ground black pepper Lamb: Pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Bash up the coriander and mint and mix with the yoghurt, garlic, and seasoning. Reserve half to use as a sauce once the lamb is cooked. Score the lamb pieces, season with the salt and pepper and mix with half the marinade and the chickpeas, so it is all coated. Transfer the marinade and lamb to a plastic bag and seal. Place in the refrigerator until required. To cook, place the meat directly on the oven shelf above the tray of vegetables for approximately 45 minutes. Vegetables: Pre-heat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Place all the vegetables in a roasting tray, add the chickpeas, cumin, coriander seeds, nutmeg, sea salt, pepper, and olive oil and toss together. Cook in the preheated oven for 20 minutes then remove the foil and continue roasting for 20 to 30 minutes until the vegetables are tender and golden. Yield: 10 to 12 servings Prep Time: 25 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 1 to 24 hours Cook Time: 50 minutes Difficulty: Medium

My Favourite Way of Dressing Oysters

Oysters with Shallots and Red Wine Vinegar: 1 to 2 shallots, finely chopped 2 teaspoons sugar 5 tablespoons red wine vinegar Salt and freshly ground black pepper Mix ingredients together in a small serving dish. Leave for 10 minutes and taste. Add more sugar if required. Oysters with Chile, Ginger, and Rice Wine Vinegar: A half thumb-sized piece peeled ginger, finely grated 6 tablespoons rice wine vinegar 1 red chile, seeded and finely chopped A little finely sliced cilantro leaves 1 teaspoon sugar Seaweed, as a garnish Halved lemons, as an accompaniment Mix together all the ingredients in the serving dish. Taste and add sugar if required. Serve with the oysters. Serve on some crushed on a round tray with seaweed and 1/2 lemons. Yield: 2 dozen oysters Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: Difficulty: Easy

Summer Fruit and Prosecco Jelly

8 pints mixed soft fruit (blackberries, raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, red currants) 4 leaves gelatine 1/2 cup (140 grams) elderflower cordial 1 1/2 cups (425 millilitres) Prosecco (sparkling Italian wine), chilled 2 heaping tablespoons caster sugar Divide the ripe fruit into 9 small glasses. Place all the glasses on a tray and chill in the refrigerator. Soak the gelatine leaves in some cold water for a minute, then drain, and add the gelatine back to the bowl with the cordial. Rest above a pan of water over a medium heat and stir constantly until the gelatine and cordial become syrupy. At this point you can add sugar, stir until dissolved, then remove the bowl from the heat, and let it sit at room temperature for a minute or two. Remove the chilled Prosecco and chilled fruit from the refrigerator. The idea being that the fruit molds and Prosecco are all chilled, so the bubbles stay in the jelly when it sets and they fizz in your mouth when you eat it. Pour the Prosecco into the cordial mix, then divide between the glasses over your fruit. Some of the fruit might rise to the top, so using your finger, just push the fruit down into the jelly mix so that it is sealed and will then keep well in the refrigerator. Place in the refrigerator for an hour to set. To serve, dip the glass in to a bowl of hot water to loosen the outside of the jelly, then turn it out onto a plate. Yield: 9 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 1 hour Cook Time: 10 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Pine Nut and Honey Tart

For the pastry: 4 ounces (115 grams) butter 3 1/2 ounces (100 grams) confectioners' sugar Pinch salt 8 ounces (225 grams) all-purpose flour 2 egg yolks 2 tablespoons cold milk or water

9 ounces (225 grams) pine nuts 9 ounces (225 grams) butter 9 ounces (225 grams) caster sugar 3 large eggs, preferably organic 4 tablespoons Greek fig tree honey 4 ounces (115 grams) all-purpose flour 1 orange, zested Lemon thyme, leaves picked, plus extra, for garnish Pinch salt

Serving suggestions: carmelized figs and creme fraiche You can make the pastry by hand or in the food processor. Cream together the butter, sugar, and salt and then rub or pulse in the flour and egg yolks. When the mixture has come together, looking like coarse breadcrumbs, add the milk or water. Gently pat together to form a small ball of dough. Wrap and let rest for an hour. Carefully cut thin slices of the pastry (or you can roll out if you prefer) and place in and around the bottom and sides of a 12-inch (30-centimeter) tart pan. Push the pastry together and level out and tidy up the sides. Cover and let to rest in the freezer for about 1 hour. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C), and bake the pastry for around 15minutes until lightly golden. Reduce the oven temperature to 325 degrees F (170 degrees C). While the pastry is in the oven, toast the pine nuts under the grill. Using a spatula, or a food processor, whip the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Stir in your pine nuts, add the eggs 1 at a time, and then fold in the honey, flour, thyme, orange zest, and salt. Spoon into the tart shell and bake for 30 to 35 minutes. Add a few uncooked pine nuts to the top of the mixture for decoration. Serve with caramelized figs (grilled with a little sugar), creme fraiche and a little lemon thyme. Yield: 10 to 12 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 2 hours Cook Time: 50 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Chili con Carne

2 medium onions 1 clove garlic Olive oil 2 level teaspoons chili powder 1 heaped teaspoon ground cumin (or crushed cumin seeds) Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper 1 pound (455 grams) chuck, minced or ground 7 ounces (200 grams) sun-dried tomatoes in olive oil 1 fresh red chile, deseeded and finely chopped 2 (14 ounce) cans chopped tomatoes (400 grams) 1/2 stick cinnamon 5 ounces water 2 (14 ounce) cans red kidney beans, drained (400 grams) If you are going to use the oven method, preheat the oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C). Chop up the onions and garlic in the food processor and fry in some olive oil until softened. Add the chili powder and cumin and a little seasoning. Chop up the meat in the processor and add to the pan, cooking it until slightly browned. Place the sun-dried tomatoes and chile in the processor with the oil and blend to form a paste. Add these to the beef with the tomatoes, cinnamon stick, and a wineglass of water. Season a little more, if need be. Bring to the boil, cover with greaseproof paper and a lid, then either turn the heat down to simmer and cook for 1 1/2 hours or transfer the pan to the oven for about 1 1/2 hours. Add the red kidney beans 30 minutes before the end of cooking time. Yield: 6 to 8 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour 50 minutes Difficulty: Easy

The Best Pasta Salad

11 ounces (310 grams) small shell-shaped pasta 3 cloves garlic 9 ounces (225 grams) yellow cherry tomatoes 9 ounces (225 grams) red cherry tomatoes 1/2 cucumber 1 handful black olives, pitted 2 tablespoons fresh chives I handful fresh basil 7 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil 4 tablespoons white wine vinegar Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Bring a large pan of salted water to the boil, add the pasta and garlic, and simmer for about 5 minutes or until al dente, and drain. Put the garlic to one side for the dressing. Put the pasta in a bowl. Cut the tomatoes, cucumber, and black olives into small pieces, about half the size of the pasta, and place in the round metal container. Roughly chop the herbs and place these in the container. Using a fork mash the cooked garlic cloves on the board with a little salt, add to the salad. Add the oil, vinegar, and seasoning. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 25 minutes Difficulty: Easy

The Best Hot Chocolate

This a great way to make the best hot chocolate, cappuccino or frothy milk drinks at home without having to buy any expensive machinery. All you need is a good-sized thermos flask or a plastic jug with a screw-top lid. I've even made pukka ovaltine like this!

This takes around 3 or 4 minutes to make. 1 pint milk 2 tablespoons the best hot chocolate powder A handful of marshmallows Firstly, put a pan of milk on to the heat. Bring to a simmer, not a boil, and while it's heating, put a tablespoon of chocolate powder into each mug. Add a little warmish milk from the pan to each mug, you just need enough to dissolve the chocolate powder. At this point, plonk a few marshmallows into each mug. When the milk is at a simmer, carefully pour it into a plastic jug or flask. I normally do this over a sink as I always end up spilling a bit (the trick is to have a big enough jug or flask so the milk only half fills it: you need the extra space for shaking and frothing). Screw the lid on tightly, place a cloth over the lid for safety, and shake hard for a minute. Remove the lid, minding the steam, and pour into your mugs. A little stir and you can slurp your way to heaven! Yield: 2 serving Prep Time: 1 minute Cook Time: 4 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Sushi Rolls

14 ounces (400milliliters) sushi rice 16 ounces (450milliliters) water 6 tablespoons rice wine vinegar 2 tablespoons sugar 2 teaspoons salt 1 pack of nori seaweed sheets, halved Pickled ginger Wasabi Soy sauce

For the fillings: Spring onions Enoki mushrooms Raw salmon Raw tuna Cucumber Wash the rice well and drain. Cover with the measured water and bring to a simmer. Cover and cook for 12 minutes then leave to sit for 5 minutes with the lid on. Meanwhile, heat the vinegar, sugar, and salt until dissolved then leave to cool. Turn the cooked rice out onto a flat tray to cool. When cool, place in a bowl, stir in the vinegar solution, and mix with a wooden spoon. Lay half a sheet of nori seaweed onto a rolling mat. Dip your hand in cold water and quickly place a handful of rice in a line along the seaweed. Flatten out with your fingertips using the water to stop any sticking. The key is to do this quickly. The rice should cover half the width of the sheet so now you can place your combo of filling in the middle of the rice. Use the mat to roll up the sushi roll, pinch and squeeze the mat to shape it into a round cigar shape. Practice makes perfect! Slice into inch-thick rolls with a sharp knife, turn onto their sides so the rice is facing upwards, and serve with the pickled ginger and wasabi mixed with soy sauce. Yield: 4 to 6 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 50 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Pizza

2 pounds, 3 ounces (1 kilogram) strong bread flour 1 ounce (30 grams) sugar 1 ounce (30 grams) salt 1 ounce dried yeast 1 pint (565 millilitres) tepid water 2 tablespoons olive oil Toppings, recipes follow Put the flour onto a work surface or use a bowl, if you are short of space. Using your fingers, make a big well in the middle of the flour. Add the sugar, salt and yeast then pour in the tepid water and olive oil. Using a fork, make circular movements from the centre moving outwards, slowly bringing in more of the flour until all the yeast mixture is soaked up. This should be starting to look like dough now so you can start to work and knead it until it is smooth. This should take around 4 minutes. Roll out to a sausage shape and divide into 8 or 10 balls, depending on how large you want the pizzas to be. Flour the surface and roll each pizza out to about the thickness of 3 beer coasters (1/3 of an inch). They don't have to be perfectly round, they should look home-made. Place each pizza on a lightly oiled and floured piece of tin foil. Flour the top of the pizza, placing another on top of it. Flour that and repeat this until all the pizzas are stacked together. These can be frozen for a couple of months, placed in the fridge for 10 hours, or cooked straight away. Lightly top with your chosen topping (the simpler the better) and bake directly on the oven bars for 10 minutes at your oven's highest temperature. Toppings:

Tomato: 8 plum tomatoes Sprinkle dried oregano Drizzle olive oil For enough to cover eight bases, chop and de-seed plum tomatoes, dry with kitchen paper, sprinkle with a little dried oregano and a drizzle of olive oil. Various topping ingredients: Sliced mozzarella Rocket (Arugula) Parmesan Olives Sun-dried tomatoes Artichoke hearts Prosciutto Panchetta Any interesting cheeses - use your imagination Yield: 8 (10-inch) pizzas, 16 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour 10 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Pancakes

These American pancakes are great! Instead of being thin and silky like French crepes they are wonderfully fluffy and thick and can be made to perfection straight away. Simple, simple, simple - my Jools goes mad for them! 3 large eggs 1 cup flour (122 grams) 1 heaped teaspoon baking powder 1/2 cup milk (110 millilitres) Pinch salt First, separate the eggs, putting the whites in 1 bowl and the egg yolks into another. Add the flour, baking powder and milk to the egg yolks and mix to a smooth thick batter. Whisk the whites with the salt until they form stiff peaks. Fold into the batter ? it is now ready to use. Heat a non-stick pan on a medium heat. Pour a little oil onto some kitchen paper and spread onto the pan. Pour some of your batter into the pan and fry for a couple of minutes until it starts to look golden and firm. At this point, sprinkle your chosen flavouring onto the uncooked side before loosening with a spatula and flipping the pancake over. Continue frying until both sides are golden. You can make these pancakes large or small, to your liking. You can serve them simply dowsed in maple syrup and even some butter or creme fraiche. Or try one of these great flavorings. Nice one. Optional Toppings: Corn on the cob Bacon or pancetta Blueberries Bananas Stewed apples Chocolate Maple syrup Anything else you can imagine...

P.S. You must try the corn pancakes, they are great. On one condition: you must use fresh corn. To do this, remove the outer leaves, and carefully run a knife down the cob, this will loosen all the lovely pieces of corn. I like to have some grilled bacon over my corn pancakes, drizzled with a little maple syrup. This sounds bloody horrid but it honestly tastes pukka! Yield: 4 UK servings, 2 US servings, 8 pancakes total Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Mussels and Sweet Leeks

This dish is a really sociable thing. Just whack it in a big bowl and get your friends to dive in. Have a loaf of crusty bread with it and you have a tasty meal that is completely simple. 3 medium leeks, cleaned and roughly chopped 3 cloves garlic, finely sliced Olive oil 2 knobs (tablespoons) butter 1/2 glass (about 3 ounces) Marsala, sherry, or white wine 1/4 pint (140 millilitres) cream 2 1/2 pounds (1.1kilograms) mussels, cleaned and de-bearded A good handful of parsley, roughly chopped Salt and freshly ground black pepper In a large pan, slowly fry the leeks and garlic in a good lug of olive oil and the butter. After 5 minutes, they should be very soft and sweet to taste. Pour in the alcohol, turn the heat up, and simmer for 1 minute until the alcohol smell disappears, leaving you with the fantastic essence. Then add the cream, bring back to the boil, and add all the mussels. Simply boil with a lid on until all the mussels have opened, discard any that remain closed. To make life easier, you could make the sauce in advance and keep it in the refrigerator until you need to cook the mussels. This is kind of handy if you are having a party as you'll have more time to chill out with a drink. When the mussels are cooked, stir in the parsley and correct the seasoning. Serve in a large bowl with some crusty bread. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 25 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Christmas Bombe

This is an excellent Christmas special that is very simple and great to get in the bag as you can make it days before the big day. For the chocolate sponge: 7 ounces (200grams) butter 7 ounces (200grams) caster sugar 3 large eggs 7 ounces (200grams) self-rising flour 1 rounded teaspoon baking powder 3 rounded tablespoons cocoa powder

For the filling: 2 (250 gram containers) ricotta cheese (about 19 ounces) Around 2 3/4 ounces (80 grams) sugar 1 handful of mixed glace fruit 1 tin cherries, drained 4 ounces (100 grams) chocolate, broken up 1 handful flaked or shaved or thinly sliced almonds 2 heaping tablespoons good coffee beans, crushed 2 egg whites A good drizzle orange liqueur Cocoa powder for dusting Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line 2 (10-inch) (25 centimetres) cake tins with greaseproof paper and rub with a little butter. In a mixer, beat the butter and sugar together until fluffy. Add the eggs, flour, baking powder, and cocoa powder. Mix well and divide into the cake tins. Cook for 7 to 8 minutes at 350 degrees F (180 degrees C/gas 4) until firm but soft. So, you have 7 to 8 minutes, while the sponge is cooking, to make the filling. Add the ricotta to a food processor and blitz with the sugar until shiny and smooth. Scoop into a bowl, add the chopped fruit, cherries, chocolate, and almonds and stir together. Now add the coffee to taste (bash the hell out of the beans using something heavy wrapped in a tea towel, or use a coffee grinder if you don't like too much noise?). Whip up the egg whites and fold into the ricotta mix. By now, the sponge is probably ready. Turn it out while it is still hot and cut it into 8 wedges. Line a shallow round bowl, about 9-inches (23 centimetres) across, with two sheets of cling film, making sure it fits the shape of the bowl. Then fit half of the sponge pieces neatly around the insides of the bowl (as you would if you were making summer pudding). Drizzle with liqueur, then pour in the ricotta mixture. Level it out, then place the remaining sponge over the top. Drizzle again with liqueur. Pull the cling film over the top and weigh it down with some plates, pushing down on them before placing in the freezer for at least 4 hours. Serve this 'semi freddo' (semi frozen), dusted with cocoa powder and sliced into wedges. If it's very frozen then that's fine; just pull it out of the fridge when dinner is served so it can slowly thaw as you are eating. Yield: 10 to 12 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 4 hours Cook Time: 30 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Broken Potatoes

2 pounds, 3 ounces (1-kilogram) potatoes, peeled Olive oil Pork fat Salt and freshly ground black pepper A handful of rosemary leaves Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Cook the potatoes in salted boiling water for about 15 minutes, or until your knife slides easily through them. Drain and leave for 5 minutes. Drizzle a roasting tray with a little olive oil and any handy pork fat. Season, then throw in the potatoes, and push down on each of them to break them up slightly. Then pound up the rosemary in a pestle and mortar to bruise and release its flavours. Add 4 good lugs of olive oil, stir around, and drizzle over the potatoes. Roast for 40 to 50 minutes at 425 degrees F (220 degrees C/gas 7) until crisp and golden. Yield: 4 to 6 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour 10 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Pork with Peaches

This fruit and meat combo is great. Give it a bash as it makes a really good change to plain old roast pork. 1 (3 1/2 pound) (1 1/2 kilogram) pork loin, boned 1 bunch fresh thyme, leaves picked 1 bulb garlic 7 ounces (200 grams) butter 2 tins (cans) peaches in natural juice, drained Salt and freshly ground black pepper Around 15 slices of pancetta, streaky bacon, or Parma ham 1 glass (about 6 ounces) white wine A little flour 1 glass (about 6 ounces) water Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C/gas 7). Score the skin of the pork through the fat, the incisions should be about 1 centimetre apart. Turn over. Make a pocket for the stuffing by cutting an incision at an angle, about 3 inches (7.5 centimetres) deep in the centre of the streaky part of the loin, working away from the eye meat. Starting slightly in from the side of the meat, slowly slice along the loin not quite to the end, this will ensure your stuffing won't fall out. Chop half the thyme with 1 clove of garlic and scrunch together with the butter, 1 tin of peaches, and a good pinch of salt and pepper. Push the butter into the pocket and pat back into shape. Lay the pancetta, bacon or Parma ham over the pork, leaving the skin side uncovered, and tie up firmly with 3 to 4 pieces of string. Place skin-side up in a roasting tray with the remaining peaches, the garlic cloves, thyme, and half of the white wine. Roast for around 1 hour until the skin is crisp and golden. When ready, remove the pork and peaches to a plate and leave to rest for 15 minutes whilst you finish the sauce. To do this, remove most of the fat from the roasting tray, then place the tray over a high heat. Squash the cooked garlic and add 1 tablespoon of flour. Stir and add the rest of the wine with a glass of water or stock. Simmer and leave to reduce for a few minutes. Strain and add any extra juices from the rested pork. Check the seasoning and consistency and serve drizzled over the sliced pork. Yield: 6 to 8 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 1 hour 25 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Linguine with Pancetta, Olive Oil, Chile, Clams and White Wine Sauce

1 pound dried good quality linguine Olive oil 4 rashers pancetta or dry-cured smoky bacon, sliced thinly 1 large clove of garlic, finely chopped 1 to 2 dried red chiles, crumbled 1 1/2 pounds clams 2 glasses (10 ounces) of white wine 1 good handful of parsley leaves, roughly chopped Salt and freshly ground black pepper Cook your linguine in salted boiling water until al dente. Meanwhile, get a pan hot and add a couple of good lugs (tablespoons) of olive oil and the pancetta. Fry until golden, then add the garlic and chilies. Soften them slightly and add the clams. Stir, then add the white wine. Put a lid on the pan and cook for a further couple of minutes until all the clams have opened–discard any that remain closed. Remove from the heat and add the drained linguine. Stir in the parsley, correct the seasoning and serve with all the cooking juices. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 15 minutes

Salmon Fillet Wrapped in Prosciutto with Herby Lentils, Spinach and Yoghurt

9 ounces lentils 4 (8-ounce) salmon fillets, skinned and pin-boned Salt and freshly ground black pepper 8 slices of prosciutto 4 tablespoons olive oil 1 lemon, juiced 2 good handfuls mixed herbs (flat-leaf parsley, basil, and mint), chopped 3 large handfuls spinach, chopped 7 ounces plain yoghurt, lightly seasoned with salt and pepper Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Put the lentils into a pan, cover with water, bring to a boil and simmer until tender. Season the salmon fillets with a little pepper before wrapping them in the prosciutto slices. Leave some of the flesh exposed. Drizzle with olive oil and roast in the oven for around 10 minutes until the prosciutto is golden. Feel free to cook the salmon for less time if pinker is to your liking. Drain away most of the water from the lentils and season carefully with salt, pepper, the lemon juice and olive oil. Just before serving, stir the herbs and spinach into the lentils on a high heat, until wilted. Place on plates with the salmon and finish with a drizzle of lightly seasoned yoghurt. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 25 minutes Cook Time: 45 minutes

Baked Fennel with Garlic Butter and Vermouth

This dish is so quick. I made it the other day, chucked it together and it’s really light and flavoursome. It goes fantastically well with any meat or fish. 3 large heads fennel 1 clove garlic, finely sliced 3 large knobs (tablespoons) of butter 2 wine glasses (10 ounces) vermouth (white wine also works) Salt and freshly ground black pepper Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Remove any discoloured parts of the fennel, then cut the tops off and slice finely, reserving the leaves. I normally slice each fennel from the top to the root, into about 4 pieces, but its not that important. You can slice them finer and more delicately if you like. Literally throw all the ingredients except the reserved leaves into a baking dish. Rip off a piece of parchment paper, run it under cold water and scrunch it up to make it soft. Then place it snugly over and around the fennel, not the actual dish. This bakes and steams the fennel at the same time–basically making it really tasty! Cook in the preheated oven for 20 minutes, or until tender. Scatter with the fennel leaves before serving. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 25 minutes

Pineapple and Grapefruit Frappe

This recipe works with just about any fruit or combination of your choice because the principle is so basic. A frappe is basically a cross between a granita (like an icy Slush Puppy) and a smooth sorbet. As both pineapples and grapefruits can vary so much in natural sweetness, add the sugar to your own taste. 2 ripe pineapples, peeled and roughly chopped 3 grapefruits, halved and juiced Sugar, to taste Whizz up the pineapple in a liquidizer until smooth and pass through a course sieve. Add the grapefruit juice and stir in sugar to taste, remembering that the sweetness from the sugar will lessen slightly when frozen, so to use a touch more than you normally would. Place in the freezer for around 2 1/2 hours to set, stirring every 45 minutes. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 2 hours 40 minutes

Campari and Passionfruit Sorbet

1 cup water 7 ounces sugar 15 passion fruits 1 wine glass (5 ounces) Campari Place the water and sugar in a pan, bring to the boil and simmer for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and allow to cool for a while. Halve the passion fruits and scoop out the flesh, seeds and juice using a spoon. Stir this up–you can pass it through a sieve to remove the seeds, but quite frankly I think that’s palaver (nonsense). I like the seeds. Mix the passion fruit with the Campari and sugar syrup in a plastic tub or earthenware dish and place in the freezer. Generally, sorbet takes 2 hours to set. Try to stir it around every 1/2 hour if you remember. Serve on its own, with some seasonal fruit, or in a cone with some vanilla ice cream. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 2 hours 15 minutes

Salad of Boiled Potatoes, Avocado and Cress

I had to do this salad, even though cress must be one of the tackiest things in the world. For some reason I’m absolutely addicted to it and love it to bits. This is my favourite combination. 1 1/2 pound scrubbed new waxy potatoes 1 large ripe avocado 3 bunches of cress, water or pepper, washed Olive oil 1 to 2 lemons, juiced Salt and freshly ground pepper Cook the new potatoes in salted boiling water until very tender, then drain. Slice the avocado in half and remove the stone. Peel and slice it lengthways into thick slices or chunks (however you really like) and place in a bowl. Slice any large potatoes in half–this will expose their flesh to the olive oil and lemon juice. If they are small, leave them whole. Add to the bowl. Throw the cress in, then add a couple of good lugs (tablespoons) of olive oil and lemon juice, to taste. Season and toss. Serve on a big plate, scattered with any remaining cress. This is brilliant with chicken, fish or as a salad on its own, especially in the summer. Yield: 4 to 6 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes

Celeriac and Celery Salad

This is a really clean salad, fantastic with fish or cold meats. For it to be as delicate as it should be, the celery and celeriac should be very finely sliced. You can do this by hand with a knife or with a mandolin slicer, which you can pick up really cheaply. It will make the job so much easier. I normally use 1 whole celeriac to 1 head of celery. All you have to do is strip back the celery and peel the celeriac and then finely slice. Place in a bowl with some chopped flat-leaf parsley and a handful of pomegranate seeds (make sure you use just the red seeds, not the bitter yellow stuff). Season and dress with olive oil and lemon juice dressing. This salad can be dressed a little before you need it, as opposed to at the table. Place on a large plate and sprinkle with some extra pomegranate seeds. Sometimes I crumble goat’s cheese over this, or some ricotta salata which I encrust with dried herbs, salt and pepper, drizzled with olive oil and bake until golden in a hot oven. All you have to do is strip back the celery and peel the celeriac and then finely slice. Place in a bowl with some chopped flat-leaf parsley and a handful of pomegranate seeds (make sure you use just the red seeds, not the bitter yellow stuff). Season and dress with olive oil and lemon juice dressing. This salad can be dressed a little before you need it, as Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 2 minutes

Botham Burger

2 pounds minced beef, preferably organic 2 medium red onions, finely chopped 2 eggs 1 to 2 handfuls fresh bread crumbs 1 tablespoon coriander seeds, crushed 1 small pinch cumin seeds, crushed 1 heaped teaspoon Dijon mustard Salt and freshly ground black pepper Preheat oven to 450 degrees F. Mix and scrunch all the ingredients together. Use the bread crumbs as required to bind and lighten the mixture. Divide into 4, then gently and lightly mold and pack each burger together into smallish cricket-ball-sized shapes. Place in the oven and roast for 25 minutes, which should leave the middle slightly pink and the outside nice and crispy. Serve with a griddled bun, a little salad, some gherkins, tomato salsa, a pint of Guinness and a bottle of Ketchup. Howzat! The good thing about burgers is you can make them thin and big, fat and big, or even turn them into meatballs. In the early days of Cricketers, the pub where I grew up, I remember my dad used to serve a whopping great burger the size of a cricket-ball topped with a huge amount of Cheddar cheese and homemade tomato relish. He very classily called it the Botham burger. That's what I love about Essex boys' sheer taste. Feel free to add extra spices if that's what takes your fancy, but here's a really solid basic beefburger recipe. I never thought when I became a chef that I would come back round to respecting the famous beefburger. Unfortunately it hasn't been on the pub's menu for about 10 years, what a shame. This might change Dad's mind. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 35 minutes

Cajun Spicy Rub

2 tablespoons paprika 2 tablespoons cayenne pepper 1 tablespoon black peppercorns, ground 2 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed 3 tablespoons onion flakes 2 tablespoons dried oregano Salt Pound all the ingredients together until you have a powdery consistency and rub all over your chosen meat. Yield: 1/2 cup Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 7 minutes

Fennel Seed, Thyme and Garlic Rub

4 tablespoons fennel seeds 2 good handfuls fresh thyme leaves 2 cloves garlic 1 bay leaf, ripped Salt and freshly ground black pepper Pound together and rub all over your chosen meat. Yield: 1/2 cup Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 5 minutes

Hot and Fragrant Rub

2 tablespoons fennel seeds, crushed 2 tablespoons cumin seeds, crushed 2 tablespoons coriander seeds, crushed 1/2 tablespoons fenugreek seeds, crushed 1/2 tablespoon black peppercorns, crushed 1 clove, crushed 1/2 a cinnamon stick, broken into small pieces 2 cardamom pods, crushed Salt Mix together the ingredients and smear over your chosen meat before leaving it to marinate Yield: 1/2 cup Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 2 minutes

Rosemary, Garlic and Lemon Marinade

2 good handfuls fresh rosemary, pounded 6 cloves garlic, crushed 10 lugs (10 tablespoons) olive oil 3 lemons, halved, juiced and skin squashed Freshly ground black pepper Mix everything together and massage on to your chosen meat. Leave the meat in the marinade until your ready to cook it Yield: 1 cup Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 5 minutes

Yoghurt, Mint and Lime Marinade

1 pint natural organic yoghurt 2 good handfuls of fresh mint, chopped 2 limes, zested and juiced 1 tablespoon coriander seeds, crushed Salt and freshly ground black pepper A couple of lugs (2 tablespoons) olive oil Mix together the ingredients and smear over your chosen meat before leaving it to marinate. Yield: 2 1/2 cups Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 3 minutes


Asian Marmalade

2 stalks lemon grass, crushed and bruised 1 small handful kaffir lime leaves, torn 2 tablespoons soy sauce 2 cloves garlic, crushed 1 thumb-sized piece ginger, peeled and chopped 1 fresh red chile, finely chopped 2 limes, zested, halved, and juiced 10 good lugs (tablespoons) olive oil Scrunch the whole lot together in a bowl and coat over your chosen meat. Also works brilliantly with fish. Yield: 1 cup Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 2 minutes

Seared Encrusted Carpaccio of Beef

1 heaping tablespoon whole coriander seeds, smashed 1 handful rosemary, finely chopped Salt and freshly ground black pepper Light sprinkling dried oregano 3 1/2 pound fillet of beef 1 handful ginger, peeled and finely sliced 2 to 3 red or green chiles, seeded and finely sliced Good handful radishes, finely sliced Small handful coriander, leaves picked, stalks finely sliced Sesame oil Soy sauce, to taste 2 limes, juiced Pound the coriander seeds in a pestle and mortar, then mix the chopped rosemary, salt, pepper and oregano and sprinkle on a board or work surface. Roll and press the fillet of beef over this, making sure the meat is completely covered with the coating. In a very hot, ridged pan, or on a barbecue, sear off the meat for around 5 minutes until brown and slightly crisp on all sides. Remove from the pan. Allow it to rest for 5 minutes before slicing as thinly as possible and lay the sliced beef on a large plate. Gather the ginger slices and slice finely across into little delicate matchsticks. Flick these randomly over the beef with the chiles, radishes and coriander. Drizzle with a very small amount of sesame oil, some soy sauce and freshly squeezed lime juice. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 10 minutes

Slow-Cooked and Stuffed Baby Bell Chile Peppers

10 small, round baby bell chile peppers (cherry peppers) Small bottle olive oil 2 good handfuls rocket (arugula) 1 good handful parsley 1 small handful capers, soaked and drained 1 handful anchovies 10 tablespoons balsamic vinegar or enough to cover Salt and fresh ground black pepper Halve the chiles, remove the seeds and then wash in cold water. Then drain. Tightly pack into a large earthenware dish and cover with the olive oil then place in the oven at 325 for about 45 minutes until tender. Carefully remove the dish from the oven and leave to cool. Take the chiles out of the dish. Pour the olive oil back into the bottle. This is great on salads, over mozzarella and other cheeses, on pizzas, or over pasta. Finely chop the rocket, parsley and capers. Roughly chop anchovies and then mix everything up in a bowl with balsamic vinegar. Season with salt and pepper. Stuff this filling into your bell peppers (cherry peppers) and serve on a plate as tapas. Yield: 10 servings Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 45 minutes

Blackened Sweet Aubergine

4 firm aubergines (eggplants) Pinch ground cumin 1 clove garlic, pounded to a paste Extra virgin olive oil 2 or 3 lemons, juiced, or to taste Salt and freshly ground black pepper Handful chopped cilantro, basil or parsley, optional Preheat the oven to its hottest setting. Place aubergines (eggplants) in a tray and cook at the top of the oven for about 35 minutes, until the insides are very soft and the outsides dry and almost crisp. Remove from the oven, slit the skin and scrape out the flesh. Add cumin and garlic, stir in and break up. You can make this smooth or coarse, depending on how you like it. Add olive oil to loosen. Add lemon juice and season, to taste. I would never serve this hot but it’s great warm or at room temperature. If adding herbs do this at the last minute, roughly or finely chopped. Yield: 4 to 6 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 35 minutes

Sweet Chili and Pepper Salsa

Thinly sliced focaccia tastes great with this dip. It is perfect for drinks and parties. 2 red peppers 1/2 red onion, finely chopped 4 medium/large red chilies, seeded and finely chopped 1/2 clove garlic, finely chopped 8 tablespoons olive oil 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar 1 handful parsley, finely chopped 1 handful basil, finely chopped Salt and freshly ground black pepper Grill the peppers whole, turning at intervals, until the skin is blackened. Place in a bowl while still hot and cover with plastic wrap. Leave them to steam (this makes it easier to remove the skin from the peppers). Skin, remove seeds and finely chop the peppers. Then add the remaining ingredients and mix well. Taste for seasoning. Leave for 1 hour to let the flavours develop. Check for seasoning before serving. Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 10 minutes


Apricot and Pistachio Tarte Tatin

7 ounces sugar 2 tablespoons water 10 to 12 apricots 1 3/4 ounces unsalted butter, diced 9 ounce slab puff pastry Small handful thyme, leaves picked Small handful shelled pistachio nuts, chopped Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (170 degrees C/gas 3). In a pan, simmer half the sugar with a couple of tablespoons of water until a light golden caramel has formed. Meanwhile, halve the apricots and remove the stones. Do not throw the stones away, I will explain why later. Sprinkle the apricots with the remaining sugar, mix, and leave to sit for 10 minutes. The sugar will draw out the lovely juicy sweetness from the apricots. Check the caramel sauce. If it is ready, remove from the heat. Stir in the butter and pour the sauce into a non-stick tart tin. Whack the apricots on top and spread them out to cover the base of the tin. Now take about half of your apricot stones and bash them open. Inside you will find a nutty kernel, which tastes just like Amaretto, great for adding flavor.* Finely slice the kernels and sprinkle them over the apricots with half the thyme. Roll out the pastry until it is just slightly larger than your tart tin. Cover the apricots with the pastry, pushing it right into the sides of the tin. Place the tart in the oven for around 25 to 35 minutes until pastry is puffed and golden brown. When the tart is cooked, put a large plate on top of the tin and turn the tart upside down onto it. Sprinkle with the rest of the thyme and the pistachio nuts just before serving. Fantastic served with ice cream or whipped cream.

  • Apricot kernels should only be consumed cooked, as they have trace amounts of nitrites in them, which are slightly toxic until roasted.

Yield: 6 to 8 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 55 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Sea Bass with Fennel and Olives

7 (8-ounce) sea bass fillets 2 handfuls purple and green basil and flat-leaf parsley, finely sliced Good extra-virgin olive oil Maldon sea salt Freshly ground black pepper 1 or 2 heads fennel, halved and finely sliced 2 cloves garlic, peeled and finely sliced 4 large handfuls green and red chard, stalks finely sliced Line a tray with greaseproof paper and rub it with olive oil. Score the skin side of the fish fillets (about halfway through the fish) and stuff with the herbs. Place the fish, skin side up, on the tray and cover with a few good lugs of olive oil and salt and pepper. Broil for 5 to 7 minutes until skin is crisp and fish is cooked through. Gently fry the fennel and garlic with a pinch of salt in a good lug of olive oil, until softened and lightly coloured. Add the chard, with another pinch of salt, and cook until the stalks are soft. For the sauce: 1 clove garlic, finely sliced 4 to 6 anchovy fillets 4 good tablespoons extra virgin olive oil 2 large handfuls of small black olives, stones removed 3 ounces half-and-half Handful of flat leaf parsley, roughly chopped To make the sauce, gently fry the garlic and anchovies in the olive oil until soft. Chop half the olives, keeping the other half whole and add these to the garlic and anchovies. Fry for another minute. Remove from the heat and add the cream and parsley. Season with a little pepper and add some more olive oil. Serve the fish and vegetables with the warm sauce poured over the top. Yield: 8 servings Prep Time: 35 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Sticky Chocolate Sponge Pudding

7 ounces sugar 7 ounces butter 7 ounces self-raising flour, sifted 1 rounded teaspoon baking powder 3 large eggs, preferably free-range 3 rounded tablespoons cocoa powder 8 tablespoons warm water Handful flaked almonds 3 3/4 ounces cooking chocolate, broken up Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (180 degrees C / gas 4). Beat the sugar and butter until pale and fluffy. Sieve the flour and baking powder into the butter mixture. Add the eggs and mix it all together. Then mix the cocoa powder with 8 tablespoons of warm water, until smooth. Fold the chocolate paste, almonds, and chocolate pieces into the cake mixture. Pour the mixture into a greased baking tin, spreading it out evenly. Bake for about 18 to 20 minutes. For the chocolate sauce: 3 3/4 ounces cooking chocolate 3 3/4 ounces confectioners' sugar 3 3/4 ounces butter 4 tablespoons milk Meanwhile, melt the chocolate sauce ingredients in a bowl over some lightly simmering water. Stir until blended well. When the pudding is cooked, remove from the oven and pour over the chocolate sauce while still hot. Yield: 8 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Steak with a Spicy Rub

Good handful thyme, leaves left on stalks Pinch cumin seeds Small handful fresh oregano 2 cloves garlic, skin left on Pinch Maldon sea salt 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil 1 lemon, zested and chopped 8 (8 ounce) sirloin steaks In a pestle and mortar, smash up the thyme, cumin seeds, oregano, garlic, and salt. Using your fist, bash the steaks to make them slightly thinner and larger. Add the olive oil and lemon zest to the spicy rub and smear this into each steak. The steaks can marinate for 20 minutes to 8 hours. Fry the steaks in a pan, the time will obviously depend on how you like your steak. Make sure you let the steaks rest for 5 minutes before you serve them, they will be much juicier. Yield: 8 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Inactive Prep Time: 25 minutes to 8 hours Cook Time: 15 minutes Difficulty: Medium

Tomato and Runner Beans

1 1/2 pounds (750g) runner beans, sliced diagonally into 2-inch pieces 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped A few good lugs (ounces) extra virgin olive oil 1 (28 pound) can chopped tomatoes Salt and freshly ground black pepper Steam the beans in a foil covered colander over your potatoes or blanch in salted boiling water until tender. Whilst the beans are cooking, make a quick tomato sauce by frying the garlic gently in some olive oil. Add the tomatoes and bring to the boil. Add a little salt and pepper and simmer for about 15 minutes until you have a thick tomato sauce. Season, to taste. Stir the beans into the sauce until they are all covered Yield: 6 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Mash

8 large potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks 1/2 pint single cream (light cream or half-and-half) 3 good knobs (tablespoons) butter Salt and freshly ground black pepper Pinch nutmeg, optional Cook the potatoes in boiling salted water until tender. Drain and mash until smooth. Add the cream, butter, seasoning, and nutmeg and mix well into your lovely mashed potato. Yield: 8 servings Prep Time: 10 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes Difficulty: Easy

Slow-Roasted Leg of Pork with Spicy Scratchings

1 leg or shoulder of pork 3 tablespoons fennel seeds 3 tablespoons coriander seeds Pinch dried chile pepper flakes Maldon sea salt and freshly ground black pepper Extra virgin olive oil, plus extra for drizzling 1 bulb garlic, skin left on the cloves 1 handful fresh sage 1 handful fresh rosemary Ask your butcher to remove and reserve the skin and bone from the leg of pork. To make the scratchings, cut the skin into two pieces and score incisions through each piece. In a pestle and mortar, crush half the fennel seeds with half the coriander seeds, chile flakes, and a pinch of salt. Sprinkle the spice mix over the top and finish off with another good pinch of salt. Pour a little olive oil over the pork skin and bake in the oven, on a rack over a tray to catch the fat, in a preheated 425 degrees F (220 degrees C/gas 7) oven until very crispy. Make crisscross incisions all over the pork, on both sides. Crush the remaining fennel and coriander seeds with another good pinch of salt. Sprinkle over both sides of the pork, and finish off with a grinding of black pepper. Place the pork and garlic cloves in a roasting tray. Cover with a few good lugs of extra-virgin olive oil. Place the sage and rosemary in a pestle and mortar and gently crush together until they are lightly bruised and have released their flavours. Add 4 tablespoons of olive oil. Squeeze the flavoured oil over the pork and rub the herbs all over it. Cook in the oven in a preheated 400 degrees F (200 degrees C/gas 6) oven for about 4 to 4 1/2 hours. Any leftovers are great to use in sandwiches the next day. Yield: 10 servings Prep Time: 5 minutes Cook Time: 5 hours Difficulty: Medium

Summer Crumble

3 Bramley apples, quartered, cored and finely chopped 2 punnets (small baskets, or pints) blackberries 2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar Small handful basil, chopped 5 heaping tablespoons sugar 4 heaping tablespoons flour 1/4 pound butter Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C or gas 6). Put the fruit into the bowl with the balsamic vinegar, basil, and 2 tablespoons of sugar. Add a little more sugar if your blackberries are a bit sour. Mix and put aside to marinate. Using your fingers, rub together the flour, butter, and the rest of the sugar (you can also do this in a food processor, just blitz until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs). I prefer to do this by hand as I like to end up with a nice rustic-looking crumble? with some bits bigger than others. Put the fruit into an ovenproof serving dish or into individual dishes. Sprinkle the crumble mix over the fruit, making sure to pile more into the middle of the dish. Bake it in the oven for about 30 minutes, or until the middle of the crumble is evenly golden and the fruit has started to bubble up around the edges. Yield: 4 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes Difficulty: Easy