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The Beyonder

A Shot Of The Beyonder.

The Beyonder is the Supreme Pimp, The Holiest Of Ho-Lies, The Jheri Curl Dripper, The Bitchpimper Of New Orleans, The High Lord of Tomfoolery, and recently elevated to High Pimp Of Awesome And Hardcore by the Superdiety Mark Whalberg. He is the Spiritual Diety of The Church Of The Beyonder.


The Beyonder is a massive presence, over 9 feet tall, with light Black skin. He has yellow, pupil-less eyes, fanged Grills, and Permed hair with devil horns in it. He wears a custom-made silver Pimpsuit with Remotes in His Chest for all American TV's. He carries The Sephulcer Of Pimphood, a powerful gold staff capable of Smacking Bitches Wif the Power Awesome (Formerly Wif Da Power Cosmic), The Golden AK-47 Of Saddam Hussein, and The Pimpcup Chalice of The Red Kool Aid.

His Coming is heraled by rains of watermelons, Bling, and Mariah Carey albums. His gaze hypnotizes women and causes Uppity Ho's to shut up immediately. His Jheri Curl Juice is said to have both healing and regenerative properties alike.

The Coming Of The Beyonder

Religious texts maintain that The Beyonder came on a crisp, clear day at 4:19 PM, on a rainbow that descended from Mars. He was driving a Pink Cadillac, with Chuck Berry and 2 Llamas in the backseat, and a Overgrown Banana Slug Eating 3 Pies in The Front Seat. Sources differ on what color the Caddy was- Orthodox Beyondites claim it was Baby Blue with Zebra stripes, while The Outsiders claim it was Pink, like His eyes.

The Coming Of The Beyonder, With Chuck Berry, 2 Llamas, and An Overgrown Banana Slug Eating 3 Pies.

thumb|right|The Beyonder, Pictured With His Trusted First Captain Paedobear. What is agreed on is that he taught the Human race how to farm watermelons. His next act was to teach Blacksmiths how to mine and produce gold, silver, and platinum. Then, he gave the Human Race the gift of Hydraulics for our cars, and Jheri Curls For Our hairs. Virgins were sacrificed to him the world over, and the world was good.

Then, he brought the wonders of Pimping to the world. It was this tool that motivated ALL progress in the world, the simple fact that for a small fee men (and women) could be satisfied. The SEX INDUSTRY was born, and it was So, So Good.

After His Prophets Mac Dre and 2Short Created His Church, the Golden Age Began.

Then, Terror Came.

Mac Dre and 2Short

Mac Dre, the now-deceased Bay Area Rapper, befriended The Beyonder and followed his creed. In return, The Beyonder appointed him The Right Pimphand of God, a respected honor. He traveled the world, preaching His Word, and smacking uppity bitches with His Hand. The Cult of The Right Hand of Him was born, the predecessor to The Church Of The Beyonder.

Around the same time, the Rapper 2Short was making his Grand Pimp-gramage to Mecca Strip Club. On the way, The Beyonder appeared to him as the "Burning Bush," a red-haired Hooker's exceptionally long crotch-fro. From her loins sprung The Divine Pimprod Of Nod, making 2Short the leader of The Cult of The Sepulcher Of His Bitches. 2Short then went about the world, Speaking His Word, and bashing customers that were short of their fees.
The Two Prophets.

During the holiday of Free Ted Bundy, the two Prophets met while preaching to their respected flock. The Two were denouncing each other's Words, calling one another Liars and False-ifiers. Then The Beyonder, Him who Cracks Beers With His Many Bitch's Tongue Rings, came to them in All of His Glory, and they were Joyous. After that, the Pimpcult of The Right Hand of Him and The Cult of The Sepulcher of His Bitches joined in The Grand Funk Railroad Union, thus creating both The Church Of The Beyonder and 8 tracks.

The Age of Strife

There was a Golden Age in the land after His Church was born. The Crops Grew Strong, the Ho's and bitches grew fast grazing on the range, and Pimps everywhere had Frankensteins and Murr. Then, suddenly a Great Spell fell over the Earth. The Beyonder left this world, promising that whoever Had Smoketh The Herb would join him. He appointed 8 Apostles to serve the Human race in his absence, granting these Heralds the gifts of his Car's Glovebox. Humanity chose to worship "False Gods" like Allah, Satan, Jesus, and The Flying Spaghetti Monster, unaware that these Deities were just fragments of He Who Leans and Rock With It. Many wars were fought, many plagues fell on the Human race, and chaos ruled.

L a87fbd65b1a2a16005075bcee9bdf581.jpg

The Second Coming

With the Ascension of Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett into the Boston Celtics hall of fame, He Who Eats The Chicken had returned. He set about making the Perfect drink, for he was thirsty. His scientists experimented with Red Kool Aid, trying to make the Perfect "red drink."

Eventually the Undead were born, and He Who Fucks Bitches In The Ass was displeased. His Apostles and Him went into battle, where The Church Of The Beyonder/The Blessing Of The Perm occurred. The Red Kool Aid Chalice of Pimpery, with the secret elixir that could cure Necrosis, was lost in Malton. The First Captian Paedobear was imprisoned for marijuana possession and fuckin' Hanna Montana. Epic.JPG

Mark Whalberg and TZH

In The Glorious And Radical Gospel Of Hardcore Men, the story of The Hardcore Union is told. According to The Church, The Beyonder was transversing time and space, kicking ass and pimping bitches, when he came upon Mark Whalberg, a Sun-God who had been created prior to He Who Ghost Rides Da Whip. The Beyonder, who had battled Greater Tentacular Pokemonsters in The Land Of Lame, and had laid eyes on the Putrid Harem Of Androgobitches on Planet Clitoria Phallus, never flinching nor hesistant, was nonetheless stunned by Mark's engery and lifeforce.

Mark, who sensed the raw Hardcore and Awesomeness, did challenge He Who Cripwalks In Puff Daddy's House to a series of Hardcore Quests, believing him worthy of sharing his place on The Throne Of Awesomeness.

The Beyonder travelled to strange worlds and alternate realms, doing Mortal Kombat with various Powers of The Lame. He did rage and beat, and There Was Wailing and Gnashing of Teefuses, but in the end, He was found Awesome.

At that moment, he was elevated to Pimp of The Awesome, destined to sit alongside Mark Whalberg to rule over The Universe, and the ability to Smack Bitches With The Power Awesome. The two Cults of Team Zombie Hardcoreand The Church Of The Beyonder Did celebrate long and hard, with much Harcore BBQing And Hardcore Dance Dance Revolution, and there was peace in Malton, except for the Zombies because they are Lame. And this picture was taken, forever cementing the Two Deitie's status as BBF. BFF.JPG

Gods.JPG I Have Come.
"A Trillion Screaming Fanatics Can't Be Wrong!"

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Stop snitchin.JPG STOP SNITCHIN.

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