The Randoms/Enterprises/Future

Portents from The Future

Late in the summer of 2007, a group of scientists, medical professionals and pimp hat enthusiasts in the suburb of Buttonville made history -- in the future! Toiling together at Randoms Enterprises, the crack research team developed the first-ever working time machine. In the respected trade journal Science and Shit, Professor Shinosa from The University of Randoms Studies described the construction process thusly:

We started by adding an old projector on top of some lab equipment. Then we stacked a desk on top of that. Then we tried putting a chair on top of it. That didn't work, so we tried putting a chair on it. After five more failed attempts at putting a chair on it, we found success by throwing a drinks machine on top. That seemed to work.

Without a moment's hesitation, the Randoms Enterprises associates activated the projector-desk-drinks-machine contraption. Witnesses said they returned mere seconds later, but they seemed changed. It was subtle, but if you looked close, the trained eye of a researcher could notice that they were wearing aluminum-foil pimp hats and those wicked horizontal sunglasses that are so stone-cold futuristic.

Oh hell yeah.

Warnings for the Horde

Our intrepid time travelers brought warnings, but not for their fellow survivors. The future had become a bleak place for the zombies currently invading Wyke Hills and Buttonville. The zombies suffered countless indignities and infighting after the successful invasion of the South. The only way to prevent these unfortunate events was to warn the zethren that they must turn back before it was too late.

Those i-phones at Buckley are actually the defective 1st generation models that have extremely high RF emissions that cause brain cancer. And as anyone knows cancer ridden brains are bad for both harmanz and zambahz alike. Apple decided to dump their excess stock of these clunkers in Malton figuring that no one would notice.

First, the iPhone, let's be honest, isn't that great. Plus with the mall in ruins you won't be able to activate it. So you have a really expensive brick that you might try selling on ebay. So now you have all of your members rushing to not only find computers to set up the auction, but they are all going to spend the next week watching the auction to see how much money they will profit in the deal.

Meanwhile a group of survivors will make their way into Ridleybank with their toolboxes in hand and repair the suburb, powering all of its buildings and implementing a brand new barricade plan. You will have lost everything.

Well almost. You will still have that lovely Gremlin. But how will you share it? You could say that you get it on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and every other weekend, but what about the other 100+ zombies? Eventually the group will turn upon the car that brought so much pain and then onto each other.

In short, no one will survive the infighting.

According to the January 2008 copy of J.o.R.M. (Journal of Ridleybank Medicine), many members of the Wyke Hills Excursion led by Murray J Suskind fell prey to an insidious disease dubbed "Mag harmanz" disease by zombie scientists. Similar to Mad Cow disease, the transmission of the disease is the result of ingesting contaminated grey matter.

The pathogen causes the portion of the zombie brain that controls Memories of Life to go into overdrive. The affected undead suddenly start to crave what they had in their former lives (hmm, i-phones and Gremlins). The affected display single-minded determination to obtain these objects. As the disease progresses, the affected zombies continually become more and more human in their mannerisms. A particular penchant for dark clothing and archaic Asian cutting implements is the most often displayed behavior. In its advanced stages, the zombie loses its Death Rattle capability and gains full vocal ability. But oddly enough, the vocabulary remains limited to a 2 word phrase consisting of "Boom Headshot".

The journal does mention that if caught in the early stages, the disease is curable. It calls for the affected subjects to go back to Ridleybank. Apparently, something in Ridleybank's environment hinders the development of the pathogen. After a few weeks of eating uncontaminated brains, the zombies show full recovery.