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Ridleybank Special Olympics Commence
By Murray Jay Suskind
In fields across Malton, a grand new tradition has begun: The Ridleybank Special Olympics. RRF zombies have gathered to compete in a variety of events throughout the month of January in an inspiring display of zombie will, skill and determination.
For instance, there is the story of Red Guard Roddy A, who grew up in a small Chinese village without running water and didn't have his brains eaten until the age of 24. Despite such adversity, he now holds a gold brain for possessing the fastest feeding drag in the RRF.
Other winners include Braggledorth of Auxunit 10 for the most vicious ransack and Morificant of the GMT Breakfast Club for the 100 yard lurch and the title of fastest zombie in Malton.
However, the crown jewel of the Special Olympics has to be the group competition to see which Group or Strike Team can score the most kills and ransacks. The trash talk has already commenced.
"We're quite good at killing people," explains hairyjim of the GMT Breakfast Club. "It's what we're best at, and it's a mere formality before we're crowned the champions."
Faster. Higher. Stronger... French?
This view is disputed by the leader of almost every other group. "Group 0 levels entire suburbs at a time. The only thing that could stop us from winning this is getting our zombahz to actually post their kills on the forums," said Group 0 leader deathbymoshpit.
Goolina couldn't help but voice support for her death cultists in the Gore Corps. "Our members kill at rates equal to the harmanz, because we're frequently harmanz ourselves. Other groups may have the hype, but we all know who will pull out the victory."
According to Red Guards leader Murray Jay Suskind, "Re-education of the harmanz is the ultimate goal of the Red Guards. Fortunately the beneficient re-education process will gain us ever more glory in these events. All of the harmanz in Malton shall tremble before our Little Books of Barhah and our gold brainz."
Also not to be discounted are the Packers, guided by Papa Patrucio himself, the new Ridleybank Cub Scouts, the ransack machines of Auxunit 10 as well as the veterans of a certain strike team that may not actually exist.
One thing is for certain, though; a lot of Barhah will be brought to Malton in pursuit of the gold brainz.
Better Know an Enemy: Vito the Don
By Murray Jay Suskind
I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse: Who's a harman enemy that's legendary for both his worthiness in battle and his excellent canollis (if they were only filled with brainz...)? Well, it's none other than part three in our ongoing series, "Better Know an Enemy."
Vito the Don: The Fightin' Don! A longtime stalwart of the Corleones, the Channel 4 News Team and former leader of the Malton Rangers, Vito is now running his own C4NT strike team, the UCCS. We recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Don outside of Fort Perryn. Here's what he had to say.
MH&S: You recently started a new strike team under the C4NT banner. What are the goals of the team?
Vito: Well the unofficail goal of the UCCS is to try to retake one of the forts, most likely Perryn when we get enough members, I also recently was accepted as to be part of the Gingerbread Men, as i am told some of you zeds still cringe in fear of the name, get ready for a lot more cringing commin at ya soon.
MH&S: Huh, I always thought that fear was for the living. Anyway, there's very clearly some animosity between you and Dickhole Guy. He's also very... uh... "appreciated" over at the RRF boards. This being an RRF publication, do you have anything you wish to say to DHG?
Vito consults a Consiglierie while being interviewed by Murray.
Vito: Dickhole, you took my group, you slanderd me and you tried to deny events that happen before you joined the NMC. Some words of advice: No one can change the past and as much as you might want to you do not control your future. Though you toppled me, as all tyrants you have made an enemy in the people you control.
MH&S: I know I wouldn't want to be on the bad side of a Don. So you've been playing UD for a while. What would you say was your shining hour?
Vito: Ahh, the battle of the bearpit, or the Barville invasion. The Corleone's and the C4NT came into the battle knowing we had lost and somehow block by block, we retook Ackland and the surrounding territory. Barville was my idea to begin with so the precursor to Ridleybank was a great operation for tactical growth and resources.
MH&S: The harmanz have been having a hard time facing down Shacknews and a resurgent RRF. What do you think is the key for harmanity to counter this zombie upswing?
Vito: The key for humanity is definaltly to concentrate our rescources on one front. Spread out we are like picies of string, but together we are that of unbreqakable rope that binds us like a gripping vice. If Harmanity -- excuse me, Humanity is ever to rise against shacknews we need to work and fight as one. [Note: The interview was conducted before the announced retirement of the Shacknews horde.]
MH&S: Final question; the RRF: Great UD group or greatest UD group?
Vito: Ah the old Colbert poser. I would say the 2nd greatest UD group they are skilled corrdinated and oh so classy but there is one group better. Ron Burgandy and the Channel 4 News Team. I've been with Ron since before the bearpit and you know what, there is no other group i would have at my side then the C4NT.
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Better Know an Enemy: USSR
By Murray Jay Suskind
Cold weather, bleak factories, alcohol consumption. No, my friends, it's not Gary, Indiana. It's Part 5 of our ongoing series: Better Know an Enemy.
The USSR: The Fightin' R! Originating from the ashes of the Second Battle of Blackmore (and the related battle at Nichols Mall), the USSR is a survivor group dedicated to protecting the Survivor Security Zone and putting fear into the undead residents of Malton. We recently had a chance to sit down with Public Relations Officer Protomorph in the Vere Cinema. Here's what he had to say.
MH&S: Good to meet you.
PM: Greetings, my rotting friend. Let me introduce myself. My name is Protomorph and I am the official public relations officer of the Urban Stalkers of Soviet Russia.
MH&S: Speaking as a Red Guard, the harmanz are clearly the Capitalist Roaders of Malton. Why would any good Communist want to repair and hang out in malls so much?
PM: Exactly. Why would any communist hang out in a mall? If your zombie brains are too rotted to realize this, let me explain... Soviet does not equal Communist. We are the Urban Stalkers of Soviet Russia. Soviet Russia, not Communist Russia. Hah. We laugh at you and your miserable attempt to ask a misleading question. The so-called Red Guards are clearly the capitalist pigs of Malton who invert the ideals of the free and equal Malton.
MH&S: So the people who destroy malls, eat brains and live in the street are capitalist pigs?
PM: Well, except for the living on the street part, yes. Since the zombies won't let the working people (cops, firefighters, doctors, consumers, etc) to live a normal life, a life where they can safely shop in the malls and wake up with their brain intact, then yes, they are capitalist pigs. Well, just look at them. They destroy the barricades, which were built by the working people. They eat the brains of the working people who are trying to survive through the day! Zombies are greedy creatures, always hungry for more brains, while a normal, working citizen has as much brains as the next guy. And if that's not an indicator that zombies are the capitalists, then I don't know what is. Zombies are clearly the ones who started this mess, and I am sure, if the zombies would stop biting and just quietly surrendered, we would have a peaceful and nice city. Malton belongs to everybody, but it doesn't mean that anyone can go and destroy something that a 100 people, working together, built overnight. Only a capitalist would declare that he has a right to be in charge of other people's property. Am I right or am I right?
MH&S: Never thought of it that way, I always viewed the horde as the ultimate proletariat working together to take down the decadent bourgious who hide behind walls. Anyway, the USSR sprung up quite quickly as one of the RRF's strongest and most organized opponents. How did the USSR rise up so quickly?
PM: Our founder Mike Madman Calwert has found quite a large number of people who shared the same beliefs that he had. Then, seeing that we are indeed bringing peace and justice to the suburbs of Malton as well as fear into the hearts of the zombies, even more survivors have decided to join us. We are very organized because most of the stalkers are former soldiers and know how to follow orders.
MH&S: What are the goals of the USSR?
PM: There is a saying, in Malton, you fear zombies, in Soviet Russia, zombies fear YOU! And, since the USSR is here, we will make the zombies of Malton experience the same fear that the zombies back in Soviet Russia have. We will unite the stalkers of Malton. We will clear out Roftwood and the Survivor Security Zone. Hope to see you and your rotting friends there, so I can personally shoot a flare through your head. Then, we will crush the zombie threat in every corner of the fine city of Malton and nothing will stop us.
MH&S: Nice Yakov Smirnoff reference. Although I have to ask, don't you have to be alive to feel fear?
PM: Trust me, even the undead will feel our wrath. If you rotters have anything left in the place where your brain used to be, they you will experience fear.
MH&S: There have been complaints from survivor groups about members of the USSR shooting zombies at revive points. Is this a language-barrier problem, enforcement of your no zombie skills policy or something else?
PM: As far as we know, there were no complaints about our members not abiding by the rules of the revive points, so your question is inherently wrong. But I will assure you, my dead friend, that the rule five of the USSR official policy prohibits "attacking zombies on a Revive Point and Sacred Ground (cemetries, churches)." is well in order. Your anti-USSR propaganda will not succeed.
MH&S: That info was actually passed onto me by members of the Malton Rangers and the Quartly Study Group (I don't stand at revive points, so I wouldn't know). As far as anti-USSR propaganda goes... Will it succeed when beat you?
PM: I would imagine that we would be the first ones to be notified if such an incident indeed took place. Alas, neither Malton Rangers, nor QSG, who I might say are our very good friends, never even mentioned anything about the revive kills. And, above all, I am surprised why would anybody in both of these fine groups pass this kind of information to a zombie. We deny that this kind of incident has ever taken place. As for propaganda - do whatever you want, we know that in the end the truth will prevail.
MH&S: Well, there are a lot of Rangers that read this, so now they know to come to you. Getting back to the no zombie skills policy, don't you think that's a bit anti-zedmetic?
PM: To answer this question, I will quote Joe Stalin:
- In answer to your inquiry: Survivor and human chauvinism is a vestige of the misanthropic customs characteristic of the period of cannibalism. Anti-zedmetism, as an extreme form of survivor chauvinism, is the most dangerous vestige of cannibalism.
- Anti-zedmetism is of advantage to the exploiters as a lightning conductor that deflects the blows aimed by the survivors at zombies. Anti-zedmetism is dangerous for the survivors as being a false path that leads them off the right road and lands them in the jungle. Hence Urban Stalkers, as consistent interzombialists, cannot but be irreconcilable, sworn enemies of anti-zedmetism.
- In the USSR anti-zedmetism is punishable with the utmost severity of the law as a phenomenon deeply hostile to the Soviet system. Under USSR law active anti-zedmites are liable to the death penalty.
So, no. Our policy is not anti-zedmetic. We just don't like those with too much zombie in their blood. Who knows, today you swear your allegiance to the USSR and tomorrow you are working as a z-spy for RRF.
MH&S: Don't spies have to deceive others about who they are? I mean, have you ever seen an RRF member that didn't have "Ridleybank Resistance Front" in their profile?
PM: Obviously they do and, unfortunately, we cannot protect ourselves against pure-human spies. Our policy is directed to those "people", who are choosing to be a human one day, and after they get themselves killed, fight on the zombie side.
MH&S: Would you consider the Survivor Security Zone more like NATO or more like The Warsaw Pact?
PM: Both. The spirit of the people are akin the spirit of the countries involved in the Warsaw Pact. Strong and united. The organization of the SSZ is more like NATO. Bringing ruthless destruction to the zombie hordes, by any means necessary.
MH&S: Last question, the RRF: Great UD group or Greatest UD group?
PM: Niether. RRF will fail no matter what you are going to call yourself. That is all I have to say.
MH&S: I'm sorry, the only choices I have are great and greatest.
PM: Well, then you are out of choices.
MH&S: Okay, how about I just mark you down as saying "great" since you don't think we're the greatest?
PM: ...
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