Allied Travellers Organisation/FATCHICK's Travelogue
DISCLAIMER: "We, the Beatbox Kids would like to have it known that the player "FATCHICK" does in fact have mental retardation, any comments made are purely a manifestaion of her crippling deformity."
The Quest
Recently, we at the BBK decided that we weren't renowned enough. We needed to take action by spreading the good BBK word. Through frequent broadcasts and mad "taggin" skillz, we started to spread our influence further over Malton.
But there was something missing.
We needed to hit the streets and talk to the people themselves, person to person.
So, our most dedicated, enthusiastic, and obese member - FATCHICK - decided to go on a quest. A quest for the Beatbox.
And now, she wanders the streets of Malton, going from suburb to suburb, telling others of the feats of the BBK, sometimes joined by other BBK members on the quest, throwing propaganda in people's faces all through the 100 suburbs of our great city.
And so, the travelogue of this incredible tale follows...
The Travelogue
Guide to Malton, by FATCHICK:
Dulston, Suburb of Friendly Paranoia
Dulston, classed as a moderately safe zone by our good friends on the Urban Dead wiki. But let me tell you, Dulston is corrupt and full of cowards, you heard me, cowards, skulking away up there. Wait, no I take that back, the people of Dulston aren’t cowardly, anyone who attacks a morbidly obese lady with a fire axe preaching kindness and goodwill has to be brave.
Another thing these cowardly Dulstonites (or should I say Dullstonites) have is a supreme hate for any zombies standing in cemeteries and at supposed revive points going “Mrh?” and looking sadly into the eyes of survivors near necrotech buildings. The highly intellectual Dulstonite can not decode such complex messages as to what said zombie wants, so when in doubt, shoot the zombie to death, not 1, not 2 but 3 times. That’s hospitality.
FATCHICK's rating: 3/18
Pescodside, Suburb of Profound Nothingness
Pescodside, weird name, but that’s about the most interesting thing that can be said about this suburb. Don’t believe me? Check the wiki, the most exciting things happening lately has been a birthday and a visit from a "relatively insignificant" threat posing as a member of the BAR.
Yes, Pescodside deserves its rating of “safe”, you couldn’t get hurt in this area if you tried, and believe me I did, I couldn’t find a zombie even if I slept on the street, yet funnily enough counted about 50 survivors hanging around in very heavily barricaded buildings (its cold outside - don’t want to catch a chill do we?). If you’re looking for a place that challenges you to use all your action points, Pescodside is for you.
FATCHICK's rating: π/20
Dunningwood, Suburb of the Krazy Kroc Kult
On my adventures I meet many people, most are extremely boring and not worth mentioning, but then there’s the odd wacko that makes my wandering lifestyle worth it. During my visit to Dunningwood, I didn’t just meet one crazy, but I was stuck in a building with an entire group of them for a few days. Check out their wacky antics at http://wiki.urbandead.com/index.php/Cult_of_the_Crocodile.
Some other stuff happened in Dunningwood, but it’s not worth mentioning, I sometimes wonder how many people that play UD have personalities, but for those who do, or for anyone that is interested in omnipotent reptiles then Dunningwood is the place for you.
FATCHICK's rating: 1800 51 27 64/1800 79 12 08
Paynterton, Suburb of Broken Hearts
Although I weigh over 300 kg and smell of deep fried cheese, it doesn’t mean this girl can’t have a love life. I’m glad that someone out there appreciates me for more than my looks (or they have some really weird fetishes). In Paynterton I found love from not just one man, but at least 3, and let me tell you, there’s enough of me to go around.
Sadly, my newfound lovers disappeared when I received an infection from an unclean zombie man. This made me sad and hungry, but mostly hungry. My enormous, lard clogged heart is broken, and I cannot bear to go on, I must leave Paynerton with my two new companions in search of a new man/woman/cheeseburger/goat to make me feel whole again.
Some Quotes from Paynterton:
"Hey sexy momma, want to go kill some zombies?"
"By the way....I like Big Butts and I cannot Lie!!!"
"Thanks SweeCheeks for the hook up !!! You rock!!!"
FATCHICK's rating: x/10 if x ≤ 10
FATCHICK'S Return Special: The City Zoo
Hey dudes, the Fat is Back with more crazy capers in the city of Malton. I'm doing this special edition travelogue because after battling hoards of zombies in my hometown of Santlerville I started to miss the wanderer's life and decided that with my new partner DanceDanceRevolution I would once again take up the challenge of being a Morbidly Obese travel agent in a city without public transport.
On my way to meet with my new business associate I happened upon the Malton Zoo. Such an opportunity for a free, four legged meal was too hard to pass up, and whilst I couldn't find any exotic fauna to chow on I did devour a zombie that was hanging around an empty lion cage... he tasted like chicken.
I would like to extend my greatest sympathies to the recently redeceased zombie that I churned through my digestive tract, I had no idea the zoo was a no kill zone, and although I thoroughly enjoyed my meal I later regretted it when my food and some of his mates disagreed with me, I wish I had had some indigestion tablets.
The zoo is a great place, and although I'm yet to meet with the famous Malton Zoo Keepers, I'm told they rock hard, I also have to make the pilgrimage of the sacred crocodile (see my visit to Dunningwood) which I hope will grant me some knarly reptilian powers, such as being unable to hinge my lower jaw to save time when eating large chunks of cake.
FATCHICK'S Rating: 1/1
Starlingtown, Home of FATCHICK'S 1st fanclub
Yo guys, what's kicking? I've been making my way south at the speed of a half digested chunk of butter through my clogged bowels, and I may be disappointing my loyal fans with my infrequent updates to the travelogue.
Speaking of fans, guess what, that's right, I got my first real fan outside the BBK who is not a seedy guy trying to get some action with all my goods (see Paynterton).
The following message is for my first and so far only fan: "Vinita"
Thank you so much, you don't know how hard it is for a 370kg woman with a slight image problem. The only reason I started traveling was because the BBK sent me away for eating all the pies, but it has become so much more than that. Traveling has become my life, and I will carry on until I'm old and dead, because of people like you Vinita. Baby I love you too. And if I ever find you in this city, I'm gonna consummate my jiggly love all over you.
PS. Signed T-Shirts/Body parts can be purchased via the BBK website for $40 AU.
Because of my first fan meeting me in "Club Sweeney" I am now declaring it my official fan club HQ, I will visit regularly with tales of interest from my travels. You'd better have good eats, cos I get cranky when my blood sugar is low.
FATCHICK'S Rating: <3 Vinita 100%
