View source for Guides:Thom Flask's Super Happy Funtime Item Guide

Alright, let's do this.


;Beer
Nectar of the gods, enabler of public nudity. Not only do these glistening bottles of awesome heal you, but they give you the ability to wrestle bears.

;Book
Much like real books, the majority of these don't do a goddamn thing for you. Every now and then you'll find a good one (don't even mention The DaVinci Code, you filthy illiterate loin-spawn) that teaches you something. By teaches, I mean gives experience points, and by something I mean two.

;Christmas Lights
During the cold seasons, these provide survivors with something shiny to stare at as the shambling corpses pull off their arms.

;Crucifix
Carry one of these with you everywhere you go. They don't do anything, but at least when you die you'll have someone to complain to.

;Newspaper
These are fantastic for taking up your inventory space and telling you things that you could just as easily find on the wiki.

;Plastic Christmas Tree
Because even after the apocalypse, you're still a boring suburban asshole.

;Poetry Book
Do you listen to Bright Eyes? Do you practice self-mutilation? Do you hate your parents for not "understanding you"? Then you'll love this collection of mind-fuckingly depressing poetry!

;Spray Can
Have you decided to claim some suburb as your own? Do you feel that [insert name here] is a filthy, shit-licking homosexual faggot queer? Tell everyone who passes by!

;Wine
Demolish your liver while remaining classy!

;Wirecutters
If you should ever find some wire to cut, these will be pretty useful. Until then, you're pretty much fucked.

;Crowbar
Great for prying apart barricades, or conducting lightning.

;Baseball Bat
Until someone re-opens a Malton baseball field, you'll just have to hit people with this.

;Length of Pipe
Shiny, heavy, easily swingable. I think I can see a use for this.

;Knife
Sometimes, shooting the dead just isn't enough. Sometimes they need to be poked repeatedly in the stomach.

;Fire Axe
Great for killing things, even better for smashing down doors while screaming "Heeeeeere's Johnny!"

;Pistol
Apparently Malton is somewhere in the Wild West, so you'll only have six shots with one of these. You can scream "YEEHAW" if it makes you feel any better. 

;Shotgun
You are required by law to scream "This is my boomstick!" when using one of these for the first time. 

;Flare Gun
Want to attract zombies from miles away? Want to light your enemies on fire? This is your (single use) weapon.

;Ammunition
Those guns won't load themselves, you know.

;Binoculars
For when you want to see your impending doom from miles away.

;DNA Extractor
Know your zombies.

;First Aid Kit
These mystical items can restore a person back to perfect health after being shot point-blank in the chest with a shotgun. 

;Flak Jacket
These useful items force your enemies to use a few extra AP when killing you.

;Fuel Can
Powers generators, kills braincells if stored in a poorly ventilated room.

;GPS Unit
Because you can't ask the walking dead for directions.

;Mobile Phone
Can you hear me now? Can you hear me- AAAAAAAAAAAGH MY SPLEEN!

;Revivification Syringe
Much to the consternation of many a Malton junkie, these just revive the dead.

;Portable Generator
Powers radio transmitters, attracts zombies like a light bulb attracts moths.

;Radio
Someone, somewhere, is very angry at another player, and he wants to tell you all about it.

;Radio Transmitter
Tell the ENTIRE WORLD that [insert name here] is a filthy, shit-licking homosexual faggot queer.


--[[User:Thom Flask|Thom Flask]] 20:24, 14 February 2007 (UTC)

[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Humour]]