RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text061508left

Solution found to global energy crisis

'Everyone must die!' say zombie officials

• By Murray Jay Suskind

Officials from Ridleybank Environmental Protection Agency have recently announced a breakthrough in the ongoing fight against climate change and dependence upon fossil fuels. Countering previous evidence that dead bodies give off methane which is a harmful greenhouse gas, Ridleybank environmental scientist Distinguished found after an exhaustive study that living harmanz actually damage the Earth much more than the undead. As he simply put it, "Everyone needs to die."

The study's results paint an alarming picture of unsustainable harman activities that are actively destroying our planet. Many of these problems are particularly persistent in Malton. For instance, portable generators that are noteworthy for their remarkable energy inefficiency have been set up throughout Malton to power entire buildings. These generators waste fuel, compounding tight oil supplies, and create heavy emission of greenhouse gases throughout Malton.

While the use of portable generators in Malton is particularly notable, environmental scientists say the problem runs much deeper. "Even if they stopped using portable generators, the harmanz are constantly engaging in behavior that's destroying the planet," explained Distinguished. "Food production, syringe production, gun and ammunition production, production of useless automatic weapons, katanas, trenchcoats and tartan kilts, even breathing -- all of these activities dump tons of carbon in our city's air everyday."

Unfortunately, there's little indication that such behavior is going to change. Dr. Cthulhu In Lingerie, behaviorologist and sex therapist, explained that it may be difficult to get harmanz to make the appropriate lifestyle changes. "Once you engage in an act repeatedly -- such as violating others with Thor, dropping generators in useless buildings or breathing -- it's a very difficult to break the habit that's formed by such an act. It would be very difficult to get more that 5-10% to break those habits voluntarily."

While the harmanz are short on solutions for their own destructive behavior, RRF Papa Moloch was not afraid to propose bold action to stop climate change and solve the world's energy crisis. "Well, the RRF is going to do its part. The harmanz are part of the problem, not part of the solution. So I guess we'll have to kill all the harmanz we can get our hands upon." When asked if the RRF would also help to clean up the mess of generators in the city, he stated, "Of course. The overabundance of generators in this city is a blight upon all of us. Hell, when I'm out with Gore Corps, it's hard for us to even breathe sometimes."

The Tidings of May

the more things change, the more they change

• by Tarman2007

The start of June brings a new dynamic to interactions in Malton and abroad. The word from the Creator was heard across the city at the end of last month.

28th May 2008

• Decay spreads through the ruined buildings of the city. The longer that a building stands ruined, from today onwards, the harder it will be to repair. And as the moss and lichens spread across the final few skylights, several types of buildings are now dark without a generator hooked up, reducing search and attack rates until power can be restored.
• A few existing household items now double as impromptu weapons.
• Monroeville will be reopening its borders for a short while during June. Any survivors and zombies that make it as far as the end of May will have the fact noted in their profile.

Darkness reigns in certain buildings, causing attacking and searching to become difficult, though not all harmanbarnz are afflicted. Zethren are warned that the vile and heavy harman item, the toolbox, may now be wielded against us in violence as well as in blockade. Other formerly harmless objects are now being used by the desperate breathers as arms against our kind. Be vigilant, my zethren!

The new Maltonian situation seems loosely tied to the various random occurrences over the last few weeks. After enjoying a brief resurgence of lurching to block harmanz in the midst of barricading, zethren seem to have returned to a near-catatonic state in the face of such dangers. Other events of apparently random nature have been reported as well. Speculation is that meddling forces beyond our control are, well, meddling beyond our control.

Our cousins in spirit, the few, the proud, the zambahz of Monroeville are being allowed one more chance to gain some recruits in the serial-killer infested city. The quarantine is being temporarily lifted to allow rescue teams and military units the chance to die and return to eat everyone later. Of course, some may end up surviving, using up all their assault rifle ammo and bending their katanas in the initial drop, but these should be considered foods for later. Zambahz who are thinking of starting new families in Monroeville, be advised of the permanency of the Headshot in that vicinity.

Eye Candy

(mmmm, eyes... a tasty garnish)

Op-Ed

• by Bobs Aturd

Using some exhibits, you reinforce the prison of our minds.

There comes a time in every survivor's life when he must, despite the long history of bloodied corpses and ruined corners, take up weapons against the forces of Good and defend a mall. Its in that spirit of inevitable failure, the same zeitgeist that gave us Blackmores 2-13, that we once again find ourselves at arms with our breathing brothers at a time when we should be sharing hagz and kisses ( bites too, for the kinkier crowd). Why this upheaval of solidarity? Whats to blame for this sudden outbreak of segregation, as opposed to zombies. Well, the obvious answer is the barricade.

Barricades, by definition, are dividing. Existing for no purpose other then to destroy the modern Mixed-Mortality family, these monstrosities are slowly but surely ripping apart the values and morals of Malton. In the past, harmen and zambah came together in beautiful union. Whether it was Standstock or feeding drag, our two people have always managed to put aside the petty things such as eaten brains and headshots for the greater good. This has become much less common as of late. In fact, just this morning as this reporter soundly slumbered, a gang of thugs made him a victim. I'm not alone in this, as zombah on harmen and harmen on zombah violence in ever increasing. However, this is just yet another symptom of the true problem.

How can we steer ourselves off of this collision course to sectarian animosity? It's easier said than done, but this Optimist believes it to not only be a viable solution, but someday a reality. We must cast these barricades back into the rubble from which they were created.

Harmenz must leave their dank, stagnant, unhygienic houses and meet us Zombies in the open. Only then can we truly enjoy the perks of both undeath and hopeless apocalypse. We must set aside our differences of diet and state of decomposition in exchange for lovely evenings at the local park and street performances at the nearest monument. How long have we all yearned for "Bring a Brazzah" day at the cinemas, or "Z!zzahz free before 12" at a club near you.

It can be a reality. We can make it happen, we just need to join together across the city, hand-in-claw. Only then will we be able to free ourselves of the bondage placed on us by Barricades.