Radio Free Malton/The Haunted Mansion: Gentlemanly Debauchery

The Arrival

Where Filthy and Joe meet in the Mansion, and Joe's curiousity gets the better of him.

Hammerhead Joe: [Posh accent] Oh my dear sir. I have heard from a number of friends that this is a good place for a cup of tea and a horse ride � pip pip! [gets out a monocle] there are seven of those dastardly riff-raff outside, trying to get in ... don't you know?

• There is a swilling noise as Joe drinks directly from a carafe of brandy

Joe: "Well my dear fellow ... I'm going to go and hobnob with the other socialites around here. When get back we can rifle through the vintage wine in the cellar eh Jenkins? Tally ho!!!

• Away from the transmitter, you hear Joe say � fuck, this monacle is giving me a headache.

Filthy Jenkins: said "Why! Sir Joe, what�s going on my dearest chap? Would you care for a �shroom tea, perhaps a coat of armour? Or maybe a jalepeno? I do not know what I'm talking about, but honestly, this place is lovely and sleepy. Care for a Japan?

Joe: [Whispering into the transmitter] What the fuck have you gotten me into again Barry? The fucking hobo is already flying three sheets to the wind!

Filthy: Well, our first call of duty is to barricade this simply marvellous mansion, did you like my graffiti? I think you should add some more! And oh? Where are Sir Squidgey and Mr. Ireland? It would be most excellent I do say. Anywho, my good chap, I�m exploring!

• Some time passes. The transmitter picks up a battery of flares going off outside the Mansion, not to mention a reasonable amount of moaning, groaning and other zombie related noises.

Filthy: I've fixed some tea my fair chums! Check in the tearoom, but avoid the dead cat, it is quite rank. [Eats three tabs] I wanna fuck Lady Helena, she is awfully pretty, don't you say lads? CHICKNEE FALLIO!

Joe: Ho, Ho, Ho Filthy my dear chap. Lady Helena is indeed a sight for sore eyes, but you may want to wash up a little first. If little Filthy smells as bad as big Filthy then you might have trouble bedding the plucky lass!

• Suddenly Joe cries something along the lines of huzzah!!!

Joe: Jeff Ireland! Good day sir ... nice to see you safe and dry in this luxurious home! Lord Filthy awaits an audience with you, in the north-east chamber! Please come and join us for a nice chat about cricket, what! You are welcome too, dear Lady Helena. But watch out for Filthy � he has his eye one you!

• The transmitter clicks off. Joe calls back in an hour later.

Joe: [Whispering] Barry [sniff] I had a little something from Filthy�s snuff box [sniffle, sniff]. What a superlative concoction! I feel as if I have all the energy in the world. I�m a tad frisky � so I felt I might climb out of a window and go for a walk!

Bella Morte, the zombie: Graaagh! Mrrrrnh!

• Chuckling from Joe

Joe: Hahah! Hello there! Looking a little worse for wear are we love?

• There is a pneumatic hiss, followed by a heavy thump.

Joe: Come Bella, why not come in and join us � tea and scones in half an hour! Pip Pip! Tally ho!!! Now to go back inside �

• A scrabbling sound, followed by a string of curses.

Joe: Oh drat. Dear Barry it would appear it would appear I have misjudged Filthy�s lauded security skills. I�m locked outside [SNORT] � lucky I have this snuff [SNIFF] powder [SNORT] � wonderful stuff.

Ugly Zombie 1: Gragh! Graghahah!

Joe: [Turns around] Don�t I recognise you? Aaaaaaaaaahhhh [CRUNCH, SMACK, THUMP]

• The signal goes dead.

Filthy's story

Where we find out what Filthy gets up to when he thinks no-one is looking.

• A whine as a transmitter flicks on

Barry Bravado, from RFM HQ: Joe?

Filthy: You are sadly mistaken! Hideous cretin! Bravado, let me introduce you to Luke Smith. Luke, meet Barry!

Luke: [uncomfortable] Er, hi.

Filthy: Howdy Smith, this place is fuckin' huge isn't it? I just found a suit of armour with a golden revolver inside! [snorts coke] So what�s new Lukey!?

• Filthy runs off down a hallway. Bursts through a heavy, antique door to find Arkore, all on his own.

Filthy: This is my house! MY HOUSE!!! MY HOUSE!!!

• Runs down hallways flailing a medieval mace.

• Arrives in the Great Hall once again to join Helena, there is a CLANG! As he drops the weapon.

Filthy: Mademoiselle Powell, I would like to ask you for a dance.

• Switches on boom box, offers hand � the transmission cuts off.

• Some time later, Filthy resumes transmission � frantic!

Filthy: Hey! Hey, hey! Jeff, Jamie � anyone! Hammerhead is outside St.Louis� Hospital! Please guys, I'm tripping balls and I need him healed! Fucking A!

• Filthy promptly forgets all that and turns to Helena.

Filthy: Howdy Helena! How�s it going, milady?

• Pours glass of vintage champagne

Filthy: I wish to ask you to dinner, I have a full course meal ready, and I�ve found all the appropriate forks and spoons and knives! What do you say, mademoiselle? Is it a date?

• Filthy leaves the room to find a decanter of brandy.

Filthy: [whispering] I already offered Lady Helena a dance Barry. I think I'll hump her before the night is finished! Besides, the previous owner of the mansion has an extensive wardrobe which will come in handy in making me look fancy! Despite the greasy hear and crazy beard � hahah! For once I�m glad Joe ain�t here �

• Filthy leaves the transmitter in a pantry. Barry is treated to around 7 hours of white noise �

The plot thickens

Where Squidgey arrives, and things begin to get weird.

• A window is wrenched open, Joe falls through with a THUD!

Filthy: Oi! Joe! Fuckin A! I just discovered a musket in the oihjaarg. [cough]Sorry, basement is what I meant. I took some ketamine and--arugalaaaaaa--I don't know how to control my tongue!

Joe: [under his breath] That�s bad news for Lady Helena �

Filthy: Shrivveeeelllllinnnggg Poooooo!

• runs down a long hallway, trips and falls with a THUD!

Joe: [whispering] Barry � I�m back inside, after having a � err � a bite to eat with some friends outside. [louder] My dear chappies � how lovely to see you. Jeffrey! I must thank you for the dose of Necrotech loving. I am indebted to you � you are a scholar, and a gentlman! Aha! I see the lovely Lady has arrived [winks at Helena].

Jeff Ireland: Haha, nice. And yeah, Joe, anytime. I'll heal you up a bit too.

Joe: [whispering] � nice fellow and all, but not really getting in with the Mansion theme!

Jeff Ireland: I revived the zombie inside the NecroTech building and dumped the bodies outside and closed the doors. If someone could barricade it � it might become habitable again.

Joe: [whispering] See what I mean? He�s taking this �under siege in Curton mansion� thing a little seriously. [louder] Chin up Jeff lad! It�ll all come out in the wash! Pip pip!

• The transmitter is turned off for a while, it flicks back on to double doors being slammed open.

Squidgey: Well, hello Gents, smashing day for a stroll through the park. Though the weather was looking like a spot of rain could visit us in a day or two. Fairly well rounded morning I should say!

• Notices Filthy sidling up to Lady Helena, with a fairly prominent boner.

Squidgey: Jenkins! Why are you playing at being a gentleman! Get away from this most marvellous specimen of human beauty and get back to carrying my bags and holding the dogs! My Good Lady, allow me to introduce myself. I am Baron Squidgey, and I do so hope the hospitality of MY mansion has not paled in my absence.

Filthy: Huff! Your mansion? Hmmmph.

Squidgey I must say, you have the most delicate and beautiful eyes ever, may I ask Your name My Lady? Captain Joe, Lieutenant Ireland, I did not know you were back from that the War! So how fairs the fields of battle? What deeds of daring wit and dashing bravado have you achieved? I do so really want to know. Here, come sit down and have a spot of brandy and enlighten us with your heroic deeds. Good show lads.

Joe: [whispering] Barry � this is betting even weirder. Squidgey just got here and he thinks he�s the fucking Red Baron, freshly home from the Great War! And plus I�m sober, on account of the Jeff�s Needle!

Jeff Ireland: [sits down and sips some brandy] There's really not much from my end. Some news from the PLEB leadership though: A small horde is in Eastonwood right now, though the Warseers have let me know they have it in hand. We may have some zombies fleeing into East Beckton as the horde is dispersed. If that happens, they'll come �

Joe: [whispering] Blah, blah, blah � I need some hash man �

• transmitter clicks off

Squidgey: Ahhh Jeff, intelligence is most enthralling Old Boy, thankyou kindly for the update. I had heard of this, but dismissed it � I am quite at home with the RFM Gentlemen here. Jenkins! Be a good little Bell Boy and fetch Lady Helena a glass of Champagne!

Joe: [bubble, bubble, wheeze] Cor! Blimey! Is this wonderful Ganga of Turkish origins? Bless the English for their spice routes!

Squidgey: So Captain Hammerhead, I see you did all the Heroics whilst the lads cowered in fear! That's the spirit! Have at 'em Old Boy! Ahhhh, Jenkins, back already, tiddly pips and thankyou kindly! So Captain, I expect a full account of your bravado in due course.

Joe: Well baron Squidgey, I must admit there isn�t much to tell. After you left the Zoo I was introduced to three very fine fellows � a little on the pale, rotted side � but what fun! They had their way with me for a little while � and I feared the worst! But after a time the pain died away, I stood up � and we became friends!

• Joe takes another hit

Joe: [coughing fit] Anyway fellows � where was I? Oh yes, I had met ma nu frendz. We fand sum harmans hidinnn annit waz awl verry BARHAH! GANGBANG! HARMAN HAMBARGAZ! HAR HAR HAR!!!

• Another long hit

Joe: Excuse me � ho, ho, ho � I seem to have lost my cool there for a moment eh fellows? Heheheh � don�t look so nervous!

Squidgey: You really do have some nasty habits captain. Anyway � gents! Let's go on a Safari! I hear there's a mighty fine, stinking specimen of an elephant trundling through the countryside! Now that'll be good for a spot of recreation!

• Joe�s whispering cuts in over Squidgey�s rambling.

Joe: Boy this chap can talk, eh what? Plus he still thinks he�s the Red Baron! Barry, all these bad English accents have got me beat. I need to turn in for a while.

Day 4

Where Filthy Professes his love for Helena, and we meet The Red Baron.

• Looks like the RFM boys have a new friend � enter Jamie Clawhand!

Jamie Clawhand: [Pops a few more pills] Yeah baby yeah! I dented some heads!

The Lady Helena Powell: [stares sorrowfully outside at one of the corpses] Takashima. Why were you so careless? Why did you have to run off ... I searched for you and now... now you �

Filthy Jenkins: But my dear Helena! Don't be so sad! [kisses Helena's hand, leaving a dirty mark] Please my dearest, forget Takashima, fall in love with me, I lust for your love! [sneaks a few tabs into his mouth]. I LOVE YOU! I SWEAR, I DO!

Lady Helena: [stares at him dully] How can you think about love when my friend just died? [takes her grimey baseball cap off long enough to brush back her shoulder-length red hair] So many people have died ... My friends ...

Joe: Red hair! [gasps] My dear Jenkins ... although I would never seek to rank you with the downtrodden peasants like the Baron here, I fear a lady like Helena is simply beyond your grasp! Please ... leave her be. She should not be subject to your amorous whims in her darkest time [tsk tsk].

Joe: My dear Lady Powell ... please accept this lovely glass of red wine - 1923 you know [leaves room, snorting is heard, returns dusting white powder from his nose]. Now ... I can see you are quite tense, my lady. I believe you are in need of a thorough massage � to relieve your pain and anxiety. Perhaps you would join me somewhere more private? It would not do to have these fellows leering over you!

• Click! The transmission ends for a while. When it resumes, Joe seems to be outside again.

Joe: Listen Barry [BANG] that�s the sound of anti-BARHAH! I�m out here on the roof [Bang] hunting foxes! Hahah � there�s one! [BOOM, BOOM BOOM] if I can [hits a spliff] just get this one last [hits again] shot in � [BOOM, SPLAT!] Hey hey! Right in the noggin barry, don�t you know!

• Joe returns inside, slamming a window behind him

Joe: My dear fellows! I just went on a lovely fox-hunt [more coke] Hahah! I scored a cracking shot on a certain individual, putting a marvellous dent in his head! There was medulla oblongata everywhere. Ho, Ho - anyhow, there must be a gap somewhere in the north-west wing - I'm afraid another fox has crawled in there, and is now in the process of eating a mink jacket! Poor fellow seems to think it's still alive, hahahah!"

• Filthy Jenkins enters the room fully naked, eyes enormously huge.

Filthy: Oh My! I thought this room was devoid of people! My lord I must put some clothes on!

• Feet patter as Filthy runs into another room. He comes back in a 17th century minstrel outfit

Filthy Now, where was I? Helena, I cry with you �

Hammerhead Joe Baron Squidgey [sniff] I see another of your cronies has arrived! A military fellow too � to judge from this master Ireland's speech. However, can we trust this fellow? He is Irish � not a CATHOLIC I hope? I just don't think I'd feel the same way about him ...

Filthy: [talking to Helena] I am so sorry that your dear friend fell. But my oh my, I have been from Lockettside, to Chancelwood, to Ketchelbank, to Shearbank, and I must say, optimism and drugs are the way to go, my dearest most beautiful Helena.

• Kisses her hand, replacing the dirty mark that she just washed off!

Helena: Ugh � [shudder].

• Filthy sits back in an antique Victorian chair and begins to snort Vicodin and heroin

Filthy: This world is but an apple waiting to be bit, the screams of the deceased have been blocked out by the voices in my head telling me to be merry. Therefore, I am merry!

• Lights a pipeful of tobacco and chuffs a few times

Filthy: I'll be right back chums, and I'll see you later my dearest Helena

• Winks at her

• Strolls out of the room, wanders into a vast atrium.

Filthy: [yelling] Fuck! Jamie thinks he�s an airplane!!!

• Jamie can be heard running around the Dining Room, going ZOOM! and bashing into things.

Filthy: But shit! Oh shit! Here�s comes Squidgey � he thinks he�s the Red Baron.

Squidgey: [simulates a static noise] Red squadron! The enemy is in our sights! I repeat, we have Clawhand � fire at will!

• The transmission is overwhelmed by the sounds of pistol shots! Suddenly Jamie thuds to the ground screaming!

Squidgey: This is your squad leader! Direct hit � the target is down! Return to base � return to base! [simulates static]

Filthy: Shit, shit, shit!.

• Knocks over antique chair

Filthy: MATE!!! BEARDOWIERDOMANDOINGO!!!

• Squidgey � aka the Red Baron, can be heard zooming off, still shooting his pistols.

Filthy: You narrowly avoided death this time! Here lad, take 3 of these each.

• hands over 6 mysterious gel-tabs

Malton! It�s the station that never sleeps, bringing you the story that never gets boring! Here we are again, with:

Day 5

Where we find that open access to drugs and medieval weaponry is not always a good thing.

Joe: Cold lamb�s brains for breakfast, anyone? I do hear they�re all the rage in Paris at the moment!

• Sounds of eating, followed by something that sounds suspiciously like Helena vomiting. The transmission ceases for a while.

• We rejoin Filthy, Jeff and the lovely Helena in a dining room, well removed from Joe and his dubious tastes.

Jeff: Phew � corn chips � so much better. What on Earth was Captain Joseph thinking? And are we sure they were lambs brains? He did have something odd stuffed into his pockets when I revived him �

Filthy: [he sings in a drawling, soppy voice] Helena! Beautiful Helena � how I wish to [sings rapidly] insert my love into you.

• You hear Jeff sobbing, but not in a good way.

Filthy: Helena! [sings deeply, dragging out the words] I love you so much � have a tasty drink!!! [dramatic conclusion] And � we � shall � make � sex! [finishes with a drum roll, using a silver plate for a cymbal].

• The dining room goes utterly silent, you hear insects chirping.

Filthy: Ah � heheh � I'll be patrolling the corridors in a manly fashion, taking care of any foxes I come upon.

• We leave Filthy for a time. Elsewhere, Joe is engaged in a bitter duel with a shambling horror!

Joe: Get out of here! You dishonourable miscreant!!! Scat! Desist! Decease!

• SMACK! CHOP!

Joe: Reprehensible goon! I demand that you leave our lovely Mansion - this is private property, don't you know?

• HACK!

Joe: Trespassers will be dismembered!

• Our protagonists meet up somewhere, in one of the more remote wings of the Mansion.

Filthy: Joe dear boy � I�ve just seen a ghost, and a flying Dutchman!

Joe: [Just stares]

Filthy: Well Jolly Good! I've almost taken down that bloody vermin fox in the library, he's still shambling, but foxes go down rather easy when you've got a victorian sabre around!

• Swings around the sabre to cleans the blood off it, slides it neatly into a scabbard and daintily puts 3 tabs into his mouth!

Joe: Cripes Filthy! That was actually quite impressive!

Filthy: Dear, monkey pot!

• They return to the shambles that is the Great Hall!

Squidgey: Ahhhh, I've just taken a stroll to the conservatory my good Lads, guess what I found? That's right my collection of rare and enormously potent fungi & herbs!

• Chews thoughtfully upon a long, purple capped mushroom with blue veins, then swigs a glass of vintage red that Filthy has spiked with meth.

Squidgey: My God but the world seems all asquew this day!

• There is a swish, followed by a CHOP! Squidgey shouts in pain!

Filthy: Oh my goodness! So sorry Squidgey, I seem to have stabbed you with a saber! Don�t worry � your blood is smiling!!!

• Runs off cackling. You hear Joe trying to tend Squidgey�s slash wound, but all the coke is getting the better of him.

• Filthy Jenkins comes back.

Filthy: [Crying] I�m so sorry I stabbed you! I�m sorry I stabbed you! [sobs] Please forgive me Squidge! Pealse man � why won�t you accept my apology? Why! Walrus! Why oh man please!.

• Tears are streaming his face.

Jeff Ireland: [slurring heavily] Man � opium � plus acid � plus zombies � isn't a good combo � shit freaks you out [smokes more opium] also on the subject of zombies, I just killed four more. There's still a bunch more outside though �

Squidgey: [fires pistol] Jenkins you fool [BANG, BANG � two misses!]. Where can I procure a sabre? And I'll have you whipped for this foolery! Fetch me a Whiskey and a half kilo of Speed. That's a lad!

• More pistol shots ring out. Filthy�s blubbering ends in a SHRIEK!

Squidgey: That's what you get for challenging me to a duel Jenkins! Pistols at Dawn! [laughs] Just wait till I'm awake before you start shooting! Lady Helena, I do this for you, most beautious one!

• Snorts a stack of coke and passes out.

• When we rejoin Hammerhead Joe all is quiet, and he seems to be muttering rapidly to himself.

Joe: [snorts coke] Oh my lordy lord! [BANG] foxes everywhere! [BANG, BANG] You there!

• Joe shoots the comatose Filthy�s shadow, clipping his buttocks.

Joe: Out damned spot! Begone! Aaaaaaaahhhhh! Aaaah! Stop! Get away!

• Waves pistol around ... shooting randomly. BLAM! Joe barely misses Helena � BANG! Blows a hole in the wall above Squidgey�s head. CLICK! As Joe runs out of ammo.

Joe: Gah! That's my last round ... where is my squire! Where is my butler? My kingdom for a bullet! My kingdom for a horse! Gah! Aaah! I have to get out of here!

• There is a earsplitting BOOM as Joe shoots a flare into the barricades!

Joe: Aaaaah!

• BOOM! Sparks fly everywhere, singeing Jeff and Jamie.

• Joe begins running in circles around the room, he smashes the head off a suit of armour, and collapses against the wall. He wraps drapes around himself in an attempt to hide.

Joe: Phew! I�m safe.

Filthy: [kicks Joe in the ghoulies] Chill out Joe, you're scaring me.

• Filthy cracks up, smokes a spliff, and goes to the conservatory.

Filthy: Fuck � time to call it a night.

Filthy: Take it, it tastes Like Starry Divas!

• Filthy can then be heard pelting down the hall, pretending to be a jet fighter. The transmission ends.

Day 6

Tensions rise and the fisticuffs begin!

Filthy: Sorry 'bout the kick to the ghoulies mate, I'm feeling weird.

• Eats a vial of crack.

Filthy: Oh god! Didn't meant to eat the crack...UGH

• Starts burping frantically, eyes start spinning like crazy.

Filthy: For heavens fang, I enjoy meditating in the morning dew of St. Patrick�s cathedral and devouring children! All hail the moon!!!

• Helena Powell walks into the room.

Helena: The mansion is empty? Where has everyone gone? Are we the only ones left?

• Squidgey wanders into the room, stalking around with a suspicious look on his face.

Squidgey: Where is that dastardly pilot Clawhand? [snorts a vast line of coke] He ejected at the very last minute [sniff]. The honourless mongrel then crept up behind me an liberated my medkits! Filthy pickpocket � I�ll have him yet � death is too good for him! Exile I cry!

• Confused, and burned out on speed, Hammerhead Joe takes an air-swing at Squidgey.

Squidgey: Hahah! Captain Joe � if it�s fisticuffs you want, then it�s fisticuffs you�ll get!

• SMACK!

Squidgey: And what of you Jenkins? Slacking on the job again I see? Where is my earl grey!

• SMACK

Squidgey: Fisticuffs! Fisticuffs!

• SMACK! Helena shrieks.

Squidgey: Oh no! I hit a lady! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned � she�s going to eat me!

• Crams a bunch of shrooms into his mouth, then continues to work at the great pile of coke on the table.

• Suddenly Squidgey screams �Have at you � Jenkins!� and the sounds of an outrageous swordfight ensue! Seven minutes later Squidgey crashes into a china cabinet, and Filthy collapses against a balustrade, winded.

Squidgey: Where�s � Lute � tent Ireland. I can�t see [thuds to the floor] � him.

Filthy: You � Squidge � are a royal douchebag!.

• You hear Filthy�s rasping voice.

Filthy: Please help me � phew � I�m hurt � can�t breathe!

• Filthy slides down to the floor, bleeding badly.

Filthy: Where the fuck did Joe go �

• All that is heard for the next hour is Filthy�s painful wheezing, and snorning from Squidgey�s side of the room. After this, Joe clambers back in over a barricade.

Joe: Blimey! You sods have been hitting each other with sabers?

• Joe looks at the antique pistol stuffed into his trousers.

Joe: Oh dear ... I seem to vaguely remember shooting Filthy with this. [looks over at Filthy] You should try harder not to look like a fox, don't you know?

• Takes some fine absinthe from the liquor cabinet.

• Liberates a baggie of mysterious powder from Squidgey�s pocket.

Joe: That should deliver a little kick eh fellows? Well � I'm off to give a hey-ho to the young lads at the hospital, don't you know? Keep your chin up!

• Joe speaks into his transmitter

Joe: This is Hammerhead Joe Malton, signing off for the night. But fear not! This little soiree is far from over!

Day 7

In which Hammerhead Joe adds long-lost vigour to Squidgey's nether regions.

• We rejoin our �heroes� in the early hours of the morning. Everyone is still very much awake from the previous night.

Joe: Dear, dear [swigs the last of the spiked absinthe] I met a young lady called Natalie Enduro in the hospital [swig] seems like just the sort of girl to invite in here eh lads?

• Joe winks and produces a blister-pack of viagra!

Joe: Tally ho eh?

Helena Powell: Natalie? I seem to remember that name... perhaps in Rhodenbank?

Filthy Jenkins: Helena, I would like to present to you an official invitation. Have you ever heard of Radio Free Malton? We would like you to join us on our expedition across the city. We've stayed in the zoo, so we don't know what'll be next.

• Lights cigar.

Filthy: Oh! And did I mention? I'm STD Free! I swear! Safety first, pleasure second!

• Pulls out a flute, runs out of room, and the flute sound trails throughout the whole house

Simon Telequis: Holy shit are there a lot of zombies around here!

Joe: [startled] Shit! Simon when the hell did you show up?

Squidgey: Simon Dear Chap, What are you doing up here?

• Squidgey then turns to Jeff Ireland.

Squidgey: Lieutenant Jeff, it�s a good thing you weren�t here yesterday! It appears the volatile concoction passing through my body came together to make me lash out at everyone and everything!

• Sips at some whisky.

Squidgey: Jamie Clawhand was flying around the room � I thought I actually was the Red Baron inside of my Bi-plane! I began shooting him to take him down!!! It all ended in a punch-up when he stole my medical supplies and ran off! These two black eyes suggest that I became engaged in fisticuffs!

• Drains the whisky.

Squidgey: Jenkins! Another of the same for me!

• Filthy agrees all too willingly. He takes the opportunity to spike Squidgey�s drink with some of Joe�s Viagra.

Filthy: [mutters gleefully to himself]

• Squidgey drinks the whisky. His loins immediately rise up in an impressive salute!

Squidgey: By Jove this is truly remarkable! A marvel indeed, the Lord has blessed me with the right to go at it again! Thank ye Kindly �O Lord!!!

• Squidgey drains the glass dry, and then begins sampling the staggering array of narcotis spread around the room. It doesn't last long though ... his excited member refuses to be ignored!

• SLAP!

Simon: My god! Squidgey just whacked me with his todger!

• SMACK! SLAP! "Little Squidgey" appears to have gone wild! Assaulting anyone and everyone within range!

Squidgey: [shrieks!] Lad�s I can�t stop it! The Shame! The Humiliation! Oh�Oh�OH!!! OH! OH! OH! Awwwwwwww�

• SPLAT!

• Squidgey sighs contentedly.

Squidgey: Ahh � Lady Helena, struck from afar by my little soldier! I always knew he had an eye for the right target! But what is this? He�s � still � going � help! I can�t stop it lads! Help! HELP!

• To the horror of everyone in the room, Squidgey reels around the room at the whim of his uncontrollable lust!

Joe: Hold there Baron Squidgey! I have the solution to your malady! A revivification syringe! One jab of this and your errant todger shall rest at ease!

• Approaches Squidgey with the needle.

Joe: Come on old bean! This won't hurt a bit!

• Joe proceeds to give Squidgey a needle in the worst place imaginable!

Squidgey: [utters a sound so desperate, so horrible, so agonising, that it cannot be conveyed here]

Jeff: That�s it � that is absolutely it. I can�t take any more.

• Jeff finishes making a glass full of hash oil, mixes it with everclear, downs it, and promptly passes out.

Barry Bravado, from RFM HQ: Bloody � buggering � bollocks. For once Malton I�m going to shut the transmission off for the day. I need to go wash my fucking ears out after that.

Day 8

Where Filthy has finally had enough, and Squidgey begins to scheme ...

Filthy: Squidgey you bastard, you slapped me with that feral earth worm you keep caged in your pantaloons!

• Filthy lights a meth pipe.

Filthy: The insult shall be rebutted with a crack pipe burn to the arse cheek!

• He proceeds to burn Squidgey's arse with a hot pipe, then wanders off into his favourite suite of rooms � only to find Son of Rippah lurking around.

Filthy: And who may I ask � are you?

• Filthy snorts a line of smack.

Filthy: What business have you round these parts...good Sir?

• He glares at the intruder, provocatively tickling Rippah's chin with his sabre.

Filthy: Get out of this room if you do wish to live, my dear sir! [snort] or at least get out of my changing quarters! These are strictly mine! After all � I do own this shithole of a palace.

• He lights menthol cigarette and ambles back into the hall with the others.

Filthy: The minty fresh tickles my lungs, dear chaps. Sit down everyone, let us feast.

• In a bizarre turn of events, Filthy presents a beautifully cooked pheasant on a shiny golden platter. Being a polite fellow, he cuts the transmission while he and his friends eat. A very odd individual barges in on the meal, halfway through �

Gimp Lord: Hey everybody, I'm here! Yay! Now I've got to get some sleep.

Squidgey: Jenkins you stupid Bell Boy! I heard what you said to Rippah! I own this fucking Mansion not you! And Gimp Lord, how dare you arrive to dinner so late. And how dare you trot off to bed without participating in some gentlemanly conversation. Pull out your sabre and begin duelling!

• Squidgey snorts more coke, then realises something important!

Squidgey: And captain! You jabbed me in the wanger with that needle! Wow, check out the swelling and colours!

• Squidgey begins to cackle, there is a sudden string of gunshots � he seems to have gone mad again! The fit of violence subsides as he (once again) falls upon an immense pile of narcotics.

Jeff: Holy shit. That man is a drug abuse tank! I cannot believe he�s still alive!

• Squidgey snorts down the very last of Filthy�s coke.

Squidgey: Suck it Jenkins!

• There is a thud, Squidgey passes out again.

Gimp Lord: Squidgey, since you have challenged me, I choose the weapons. Axes at dawn!

• The sound of sharpening steel can be heard.

Gimp Lord: Ah hell, axes NOW!

• The is a SWISH as Gimp Lord swings his axe � then a crash as Simon Telequis parries his blow.

Simon: Oh no you don't Gimp Lord! He's mine. On the count of three Squidgey. One ... two...

• BLAM! Simon fires early � he would have caught Squidgey by surprise, even if Squidgey wasn�t asleep!

Simon Telequis: There you go old bean now I feel bloody satisfied. Who in the name of all that is unholy is pouring the Cthulhu-damned drinks around here?

• The room goes dark for a moment. Simon reminds himself not to be so blas� about invoking the Great Old One.

Helena Powell: [finishes considering her invitation to join RFM-X] At least if I join you, things will only get more interesting from here. Sure... What do I have to lose?

Simon Telequis: So where is our revive point?

• Filthy points to the whopping great mother-of-pearl bowl filled with an anonymous drug.

Filthy: That looks like a revive point to me Simon! [snort] See how fresh I look now [snort snort] � and Squidge, stop being a dickhead mate, I own this fucking mansion, i found it first, and i own all the drugs you are abusing, so show me some frackin' respect!

• Filthy lights cigarette stub, and puts on a suit of armour.

Filthy: I'm going scouting, I'll be back later.

Joe: Wait a moment Filthy!

• Filthy loiters at the door, grumbling angrily.

Joe: Phew! You made him mad Squidge! [dons a breastplate] I hope you guys can make up [slaps on a helmet] I'd hate to have to umpire a death duel between friends! [gets Simon to help with greaves and bracers] Well! [clang! clang! clang!] I'm off for a walk ...

• Joe stomps into the corner of the room, you hear clattering sounds as he rigs up a bizarre looking apparatus.

Joe: Well chappies! I've managed to wire a flask of whisky to my helmet! [slurp] Now I am perfectly provisioned for another invigorating fox hunt!

Filthy: [unsheaths saber, and snorts a line of coke through his helmet] Let us go dear Sir, to decimate these fiends of evil!

• Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Filthy starts running down the hall.

Joe: Goodnight Malton!

• The transmission ends.

Day 9

Where Squidgey's evil plan comes to fruition, and a dastardly betrayal occurs.

• We rejoin our motley, yet noble crew in the evening. It seems they�ve taken some time to relax, and sleep through the day.

Filthy: [lights a cigar] Lads, no more fighting huh? It was a rough night of fox hunting � now I plan for us all to smoke peyote in a lovely circle at one of the lofty flying buttress! What do you say?

• He pulls out a huge native American pipe.

Squidgey: Very well Jenkins � but I feel I must raise the insult you slung at me yesterday. [adopts an educated air] Dear Sir, it is more correct to refer to someone as a �phallus head�. Now that we have that point out of the say I would be glad to sup with you. Then we shall smoke the proverbial peace pipe! [chuckles evilly].

Gimp Lord: Good night, I am tired after today's workout. Zombie slaying! It does a body good.

Filthy: Missing dinner again Gimpy? Surely not? I�ve prepared roast pork, �taters, Carrots, and chilled asparagus soup! Don�t you know it�s unhealthy to smoke peyote on an empty stomach? Come folks � it will be served with a good Pinot Noir and a tab of acid. DIG IN!

• Filthy starts cutting the pork.

Filthy: Then we shall sally forth to the roof! Where we shall discuss the shape of clouds, and discover our spirit animals.

• Conversation ceases for a while as our explorers tuck into a delicious meal. Their manners are so bad you could almost believe the Ridleybank Resistance Front was in the room.

Filthy: Shall we make our way up? Bring some candles, it gets dark up there.

• There is a rattling and claking noise as Squidgey dons a suit of armour. Incidentally, Joe and Filthy have not removed theirs since the previous night.

Squidgey: Joe, Jeff, Helena, Simon! Would you mind clearing this lot away? I really do feel I need to apologise to Jenkins!

Helena: Lovely sentiment � but what�s with the grin? You look like Jack Nicholson after stumbling into a titty bar!

Squidgey: My Lady! I�m merely feeling positive after deciding to make amends with a friend!

• Squidgey climbs the stairs, closely behind Filthy. We switch to Filthy�s secret microphone.

Squidgey: [sigh] Ah! Atop the flying buttress with Jenkins. It�s so nice and quiet eh friend? With no-one else around?

Filthy: Um � yeah Squidge. Hey � er � the meth is really kicking in man so � do you really need to stand so close? Why do you keep grinning like that. Is it the drugs?

• You hear the wind whistling by. These fellows are very high up.

Squidgey: Oh � I�m just happy Filthy. I was considering something very funny. I was wondering � would anyone notice �

Filthy: This isn�t about your penis again, is it Squidge?

Squidgey: Would anyone notice if the Baron was to [bumps Filthy, oh so casually] accidentally bump his rival over the edge?

• There is a scrabbling noise, followed by a desperate, confused yelp from Filthy.

Filthy: Waaaaaaaiiiiiilllllll [crunch].

• We switch back to Joe�s transmitter in time to hear Squidgey clattering back down the stairs.

Squidgey: Hahah! And so I stroll back into my dining hall, resplendant in my suit of shiny, gold plated armour, in my mansion!!!

• Squidgey collapses into a beautiful chair (previously claimed by Filthy) by the fireplace.

Squidgey: What? What are you all looking at? Filthy � oh � where is he? Well he decided that he�d rather [coughs extensively] in the [cough]. Alrighty then?

• Joe, Helena, Jeff, Simon and the newly awakened Gimp Lord simply stare at him.

Joe: We heard a crash in the garden Squidge. What�s going on?

Squidgey: [talking in an offhand fashion] The south-west corner of the house requires some repairs. I do so hope one of you could be so kind as to be a lad and fix that up for me! And captain � your armour is of inferior make!

• There is a BASH.

Joe: Blast it Squidgey! What is going on!!!

• Joe runs to the window.

Joe: Oh my lordy! Someone killed Filthy!

• Joes eyes begin to tear with rage

Joe: You! It was bloody well you! The Bloody Baron shows his true colours! Aaargh!

• Joe slumps against the wall, drained.

Joe: The Red Baron indeed ... [he slides into a sitting position] Oh for the strength to avenge yon hobo ... that dearest friend of mine own heart. [pants] But these arms shall heft no axe this eve ... I am exhausted. To hell with you!

• Joe seems to lapse into exhausted sleep. We hear the others arguing in low voices, until footsteps approach Joe, and his transmitter.

Squidgey: Hmmm � his transmitter is on. Can�t have that, it�s a serious breach of confidentiality! Bravado � this is entrapment!

• CLICK! The transmission ends.

Day 10

Concerning the resurrecting of Filthy Jenkins, and his revenge most fowl.

• Our final transmission begins bright and early, with that familiar pneumatic HISS! That every breathing human in Malton has come to know, and love.

Filthy: Gaaah! That bastard � lemme at him! Lemme at him!

Joe: Calm down Filthy � can�t we just get out of here?

• Filthy springs up in the street, and begins climbing a drain pipe to get back into the Mansion.

Filthy: �Fraid not Joey boy! My hobo honour has been slighted!

• Filthy slips through the window and creeps into the freezer �

Filthy: Hmmm � c�mon, c�mon � I know I saw one in here somewhere. Aha!

• Filthy finds a decomposing turkey.

Joe: [creeps up behind Filthy] You fucking nutcase � where did you get C4?

Filthy: C4? Joe � this is merely breadcrumbs, mixed with herbs and butter! A traditional Christmas turkey stuffing!

• Filthy spreads cranberry sauce over his creation, then carries it into the main Dining Hall, where Squidgey is asleep. Before creeping away, he slips a strong sedative into Squidgey�s mouth. He takes back his saber, and finishes by drawing a texter onto Squidgey�s face.

Filthy: Revive this, homeslice.

• Our heroes run from the Mansion, heading across a carpark towards the Cheatle Motel.

Filthy: [yells] Hahah! Who�s the Baron now

• He lights a large cuban cigar � his only cuban cigar � and climbs through the truck cab that serves as the entry point through the Motel barricades.

Filthy: I hope I didn�t overcook that bird!

• Upon entering the lobby, Filthy cackles wildly � but manages to set a spark to his beard! As it goes up in flames he begins screeching!

Filthy: Blast! The fucking fire demons don�t let up! Do they?

• But for once � Filthy�s antics take the back seat. The entire Motel vibrates, as an enormous explosion rattles the windows. The contents of the entire south-west wing of Curton Mansion are blown out into the street! Surprisingly, the building is still standing.

Joe: [Looking out the penthouse window at the Mansion] Shit! It didn�t go down Filthy � they sure don�t make �em like they used too! Phew, [walks back into the room] it�s amazing what killing zombies does to your conscience hey Filthy? I don�t feel a thing.

Filthy: Great isn�t it! I was sick or morals anyway!!!

• Joe produces a spliff from his pocket, lights it and draws deep.

Joe: Aw Filthy ... that was terrible. Squidgey ... that power hungry bastard.

• Takes another drag.

Joe: These are great buds man � I needed to come down so bad.

• Uncorks his last two bottles of fine wine.

Joe: Cheers Filthy [hands a bottle over] drink up ... Barry? Are you there?

Barry, from RFM HQ: Yes Joe, I�m here!

Joe: That's it for the Mansion Bazzer � we�ve had enough! Stay tuned Malton! Our adventures aren't over yet!

• The transmitter clicks off. Some time (and a litre of wine) later � Filthy kicks it against the wall, turning it back on.

Filthy: Oh � Barry � I�ve got one last thing to say! Fuckerall shrimp cocktail and a wheezley tawt, piss on me Squidge? I think not!!! I�m a facking maul ya!

• He rolls another tasy spliff.

Filthy: Oi Hammerhead! Good think i kept this souvenir from the ol' mansion, this sabre'll come in handy, if i do say so myself. So where we headin' now, ol' pal?

• Pulls a huge hit from the spliff.

Joe: I dunno Filthy � how about you surprise me?

• End transmission.