The Burchell Arms Regulars/KWNN Reports

Knight Watchmen It's not propaganda if it's true.

KWNN Digital Edition We bastardize the profession of journalism, but we do it with spirit! Today is Sunday, December 22 2024

Editor's Note None at this time. 07-23: Operation Melted Cheese “Bacon is a dish best served minced,” says BAR co-leader By UnreliablePropagandist MALTON, July 02 2023 (KWNN)—Craggy and jaded, and inebriated and infuriated, the Burchell Arms Regulars kicked off a series of successful search-and-destroy efforts across northeastern Mallon earlier today. Sources inside the BAR report an “excellent” day. At 10:40 AM GMT, vengeance-seeking Regular and commanding Knight Watchman Dingers located the wanted criminal Smiley John at St. Arnold’s Church (80, 18) in Rolt Heights. Dingers, following his IKEA instruction manual, executed the rapid unplanned disassembly of John’s body. In news not previously reported, fellow veteran Regular and Knight Watchman Alice Gravesend had also scratched out John at St. Arnold’s on 29 July. It remains unknown how the priest, an erratic man with irregular patterns, has recently been so reliably assassinated by the Knights Watchmen—a simple babysitters’ club within the BAR. The second raid occurred at 11:21 AM, when sharp-eyed Regular and charming Italian Alex Potter spotted Cheese Baconator at Bearcrofte Bank (98, 11) in Pescodside. Baconator, a man long on enthusiasm and short on talent in the performing arts, was wanted on five counts of murder. Rockefella Plaza responded to the call immediately, with Frozen Frosting, his spotter, providing light and spending 27 AP on trash talk. With uncharacteristic efficiency, Baconator was blasted into healthy, low-sodium chunks of pork, proving that minced bacon does taste best. Witnesses reported having no clue about Baconator’s reason for hiding in the derelict bank’s pitch-black vault. However, given that a deflated rubber duck and two empty bottles of lotion were later recovered from the scene, one can only assume the worst. The third raid was launched at 2:53 PM, when Gravesend located Trashcan’Man at Broke Bank (82, 10) in Rolt Heights. “Trash,” as he was affectionately known, was notorious for destroying the BAR’s portable generators in hit-and-run attacks throughout the Burchell Arms area. Gravesend executed the popular wrestling move known as the “Meat Grinder,” in which the wrestler pulls a pistol from her waistband and converts her opponent to ground meat. Rumours abound as to his motives; a new theory is that Trash seeks to symbolically re-enact the destruction of his marriage, the engine that gave his life light, in a futile attempt to change the final outcome—which saw him losing the house, first to his ex-wife and second to the zeds. In the aftermath of the operation, several BAR members were available for comment. “After being cheekily PKed by BaconCheeseantor, I thought there was only one way to redress the imbalance they had so cravenly initiated,” Plaza said. “And thanks to our spotter's network, it became a matter of moments to head up to the butthead's lair, and chop him into mince.” “Canny day for the BAR, that,” Dingers noted. Operation Melted Cheese marks a departure from the BAR’s track record of making slapdash attacks with drained AP tanks. International observers speaking on the condition of anonymity wondered if the recent raids reflected the evolution of a new BAR—sharp, sober, and squared-away—or just a flash in the pan, akin to a drunken student’s moment of mathematical brilliance at 3 AM, followed by forgetting how to operate a walk signal button. 06-23: Operation Yew Tree Operation Yew Tree: “An unmitigated clusterfuck” By UnreliablePropagandist MALTON, June 23 2023 (KWNN)—At 11:29 PM GMT, longtime Burchell Arms Regular and weary bartender Dingers spotted the wanted criminal Smiley John at St. Arnold’s Church (80, 18) in Rolt Heights. Smiley John had been charged with two counts of homophobia, two counts of proselytism, and nineteen counts of talking too much. Dingers put out the call shortly after, marking the start of the first operation executed by the reconstituted Knights Watchmen, a book club within the BAR that was last active in 1999. Rockefella Plaza was the first to arrive, followed by Bawnjorno. The Knights spent the next 10 minutes bollocking around—sending taunting messages and discussing what objects, such as beer cans, the target would be killed with. Sensing a kitten about to leap onto his keyboard, Bawnjorno started firing at 11:40 PM, bringing the target to 4 HP. It was at this point that the cluster at Arnold’s became a clusterfuck, because all three Knights realized they were out of AP. As shit hit the fan and sprayed a fine mist over all the drunken idiots present, the Knights called for backup. RoyDisco arrived on the scene at 11:55 PM, only to find that the target had healed back up to 55HP—signalling a tragic turn in the BAR’s fortunes, rivalled only by the unfortunate events at Dingers’s bar that same evening. Within five minutes, ewefluffypup picked up her phone and her car keys; the Barkeep rode shotgun. But nobody had more than fumes in the AP tank. It’s often said that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Sometimes, you have six hands and no fucking birds—in keeping with the highest traditions of the misfits comprising the BAR. “I am not a choirboy,” Plaza was quoted by KWNN as saying. “And they don’t need to know that.” The operation was ultimately called off, though Knights continue to linger in Rolt Heights. The suburb is known for its inactive night life on account of the devastation wrought by the apocalypse, making it a common home for PKers lacking friends to go out with. UPDATE TO STORY: MALTON, June 24 2023 (KWNN)—At 12:24 AM, Frozen Frosting arrived on the scene. Making the lucky number seven lucky again, Frosting finally killed Smiley John at Arnold’s—redeeming Operation Yew Tree, now described as a “mitigated clusterfuck.” Eyewitnesses described Frosting as having driven west with a shotgun full of sprinkles and a cake box full of vengeance.