RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0909left
Welcome back to a new edition and a new staff for the MH&S! We have shaken off the dust from the ol' printing press, and it is our hope to bring with these changes a more regular publishing schedule. Some of our faces may be new, but our brains are still rotten and our core philosophies remain the same.
We will still continue to bring the latest technology, social conditions, zombie politics and current events affecting zombies to the citizens of Malton. So, we invite you, dear readers, to join us as we follow the march of the hordes throughout Malton, keeping its rightful zombie inhabitants informed on the latest news regarding the eradication of the human infestation affecting our dear city.
-MH&S Editorial Staff
Malton students fail to grasp fundamentals such as multiplication tables, basic shapes, and not sleeping in resource buildings. “My child no longer wants to eat your honor roll student,” say Angry Zombie Parents.
RIDLEYBANK – Malton Harmanz officials, already under fire for turning the once beautiful city of Malton into a barricaded, litter-ridden, fire-prone death trap, are now coming under fire from zombie leaders after low test scores and standards from area schools were made public last week.
“We have always suspected that Malton students' mathematical and language skills were lagging behind the rest of the world “ said Janice Graagh, Director of Harmanz Genocide and Food Safety.. ”Now we finally know the truth. Johnny can't read, write, or even secure a door.”
According to the results released last Wednesday, Malton area students ranked last in basic science, writing, and were three-times as likely to believe that tagging and radio operation are fundamental, life-altering skills.
“It's a radio. You turn it on. Why is this even in Malton's curriculum?” said Graagh, shaking her head in frustration after witnessing a fifth grader run from a ransacked, overrun Police Station to another ransacked, overrun Police Station. “Really Malton? This is who our zombie children are supposed to eat now? Small and flavorless brains?”
Graagh challenged Malton-area schools to increase their funding in science, theoretical mathematics, and other tedious, but brain-developing disciplines, calling the current performance gap “Malton's greatest threat to the sophisticated zombie culinary scene.”
"Malton's children deserve more than an educational system that currently raises them to become dumb-witted, easily-picked off targets, “ said Graagh, shaking her head while watching two zombies cut down a small girl trying to spray paint a fire station. “We want highly-intelligent, easily picked off targets.”
“Just a week ago, I came across a young high school student walking home from Advanced Police Station Barricading 201,” added Graagh. “He smiled, waved, but then began to scream “No! Pleas! You goin to kill me” as I started to rip his arm off”.
“Have Malton's standards really fallen so low, that we are expected to explain to a grieving family that their mauled, dismembered child barely understands basic English?” a tearing Graagh continued. “Malton's children deserve a better future than this. Our children deserve a better meal than this.”
Other zombie leaders have suggested that today's students are having trouble adjusting to their new role in today's high-paced, zombie-driven, instant harmanz-snack world.
“What these children and what Malton's so called “survivor leaders” need to understand is that without education, many of these kids have no future. The job market already demands a highly-technical, highly-adaptive, highly-trained workforce with well-developed, buttery-flavored brains. Advanced Shotgun training is just not going to get the job done anymore,” said Marc Hrnhrh. “Massive reform is needed if today's students can ever hope to grace our dinner table.”
Targeted afterschool help may be vital for many at-risk students, especially when they are surrounded by a hostile group of the undead, continued Hrnhrh. “If you see a child about to overtaken by a bloodthirsty zombie horde, do that student a favor. Enroll him or her in "Contemporary Emergent Literature: From Aristotle to Chaucer" or even "Differential Geometry: Advanced Risk Management" immediately. The zombie palate is a terrible thing to waste. Our stomachs will thank you.”
However, not everyone agrees with Graagh's calls for reform.
“Whatevr.” said John Ashton, 11th Grade, Shearbank High. “Im got pla Cal of Dutee.”
by Murray Jay Suskind
Amidst all this harman ruckus about "health care" and "reform" and "teabagging" something has gotten lost. Something very fundamental. Something that strikes at the very way harman "society" functions... or fails to do so. What the harmanz fail to see is that the true reform comes not from byzantine corporate or government provided health care. True reform comes from the way people live. Or rather, unlive. Today I am going to take on all a series questions frequently asked during this health care debate and explain why the RRF Health Plan (brought to you by death) is far superior to any other on the table.
Is single payer not the most simple, elegant solution?
No. Killing everybody is. Embrace unlife.
I thought the market provided for the most efficient allocation of resources? It doesn't. Markets are a cumbersome and inefficient oddity of those who are living. Those who have embraced unlife care nothing for supply, demand, markets or capital. Any existence that is predicated upon an exchange currency for goods and services is inherently corrupted by livelihood. Die and eat brains. That is the most efficient allocation of resources.
What do you think about the government option?
I'm dead. I don't think.
Would an employer mandate truly offer health care for more people, or would it simply contract the labor market as employers shed payroll in order to provide insurance or pay the fine for the fewest amount of people?
The only thing we mandate are 5 or 10 ap into the cades from mature zombies.
This is socialism!
No. It's the apocalypse.
Leave the government out of Medicare!
Uh... the only way to avoid government intervention in Medicare is if all of us die.
Is it true that you want to euthanize the elderly?
Yes. Along with children, the middle-aged, young adults, the healthy, the infirm, the disabled... pretty much everyone.
What about wellness and prevention measures? Would this not decrease demand for treatment of those who are ill and in turn have a dramatic effect in curbing the growth of health care costs?
Health care is free if you're dead.
Will I be forced into government-run health care?
No. You will die.
Don't you think the President should provide us with the original copy of his birth certificate?
Wrong meeting. But let me clarify... birth is completely irrelevant to the undead. It's all about the death certificate for us.
I have diabetes. Would I be excluded from coverage for my pre-existing condition?
The only condition of our health plan is that you're dead.
Is it truly reform if we leave employer-provided health care in place? Isn't part of the problem that we tie basic medical coverage to employment creating a perverse dichotomy of those who are well are more able to find employment and get the health care of their choice versus those who are not well and find it very difficult to find health care?
Zombies aren't employed. Zombies are given RESPONSIBILITY.
I hope that clarified many of the questions people had.
