RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0706right
Claim Major Victories Against Absent RRF
by Marina
In the absence of actual danger in many areas of Malton, megalomaniac survivors have taken to useless grandstanding, perverting the sacred ground of Ridleybank into a staging ground for their narcissistic exhibitionism. The majority of the plans revolve around the technique known as "barricade strafing," or entering Ridleybank, barricading an empty building and fleeing to safety at top speed. Although most of them move too quickly to be in any danger or to accomplish any lasting results, they're frequently spotted in other suburbs bragging about their mighty acts of heroism. They believe that they're significantly hampering and plaguing the RRF, despite the fact that the majority of the RRF is currently laying waste to far-flung Malton suburbs.
"We're going to reclaim Ridleybank and make it safe for survivors!" claimed a barricade strafer who wished to remain unnamed. "That is, as long as they're in the building from, oh, about 7:32 AM to 9:04 AM. Yessir, they can count on a whole hour and a half of blissful safety."
"I feel it's important, psychologically, for Ridleybank to be fully powered," claims another survivor. "What could be more important than making sure that survivors can see their path clearly as they run like hell out of there? It's like my calling," he continued, ignoring the nearby starving survivors that were squinting and poking through the rubble, desperate for light.
"To me, this is just a warmup," admits another survivor. "I've always wanted to take on the RRF, so I want to bait them into coming back." When it was pointed out that he could easily go to Rolt Heights and face the RRF there, he mumbled something about having to check on the barricades and ran away.
Zombie psychologists are divided on what motivates a typical barricade strafer. "So many of the strafers I see are simply lacking a sense of purpose," commented one. "They're like drug addicts: the things that used to shape their identity such as healing the wounded, defending their home and bitter infighting just don't give them the same thrill as they used to. In order to get their 'high,' as it were, they have to seek out newer, more dangerous experiences. Whereas mentally stable individuals celebrate their hard-won safety, your average strafer finds it bitterly disappointing."
"I attribute it to jealousy," argued another. "Zombies, once downtrodden and starving, have overcome the obstacles set in their way to form a vibrant, thriving culture. They always look out for each other, and many a lasting bond has been forged over shared meals. Their newspapers are better, their leaders more charismatic, their parties more fun. And the RRF's shared love for our homeland runs deep in our rotted hearts. Now, look at survivors: most of them take pride in their own isolation, and they cultivate anti-social behavior. They don't trust each other -- with good reason, I might add -- and they frequently kill each other. Is it surprising they resent our happiness? Why should they not want to strike out at Ridleybank, the symbol of a thriving zombie community?"
Although most of the RRF is away from home, the dedicated Group H remains in Ridleybank, resisting the strafers and keeping it safe for upstanding zombies everywhere. They tirelessly dismantle the barricades day after day, even though they know most of the time, there will be no meals waiting behind them. "It's hard work, and in terms of finding brainz, well, I'm not eating as well as I could be," points out one Group H scout. "But as a proud member of the RRF, I'm glad to make the sacrifice for the horde. When I take that last swipe at a barricade, even one that I know conceals an empty building, I feel I've done my part to keep my homeland clean and safe for my brethren. Let them come with their tools and their guns and their generators, for we will outlast them all. We rest secure on Papa Petro's promise to us: Ridleybank belongs to zombies, now and forever. BARHAH!"
Many bored survivors hope that the RRF will return to Central Malton and provide them with a challenge, but the new leader of the RRF, Papa Sonny Corleone, has indicated his unwillingness to indulge their whims. "They're fighting strike teams, half the DoHS, and ferals and they're losing. Besides, I do not want them to have the satisfaction in fighting the greatest horde ever," he said in a recent interview. Instead, the RRF will continue on its current course of destroying safehouses, dragging survivors into the streets and causing general pandemonium.
"Yeah, I heard about the strafing going on in Ridleybank," grumbled one recently-revived Dulston resident as she cowered in semi-darkness in Anne General Hospital. "I'm sure they struck a great blow for humanity, they really showed the RRF, blah blah blah. Where were they when my safehouse was attacked? I could have used some of those barricades then, that's for sure." She spent the next three hours searching in vain for first-aid kits, cursing the lack of a running generator.
In the meantime, barricade strafers are losing sleep coming up with new ways to waste their time and energy. "The possibilities are limitless," muses one. "We're considering stocking up on spraycans and writing 'Zombies Suck' all over Ridleybank. Or we could hold a lecture about proper katana care in Caswil Lane School. I heard there's even a group that's going to hold a trenchcoat fashion show in Club Dury. There's no limits to the lengths we would go to to help our fellow survivors."
by Marina
Papa Sonny, leader of the RRF, kicked off the Farewell Brain Bash by announcing the razing of Rolt Heights in honor of Dangermouse, the retired leader of the RRF Propaganda Corps. As the respected editor of the Malton Herald & Sun, he could always be counted on to deliver timely news and inspiration to the horde and embarassment and uncomfortable soul-searching to our foes.
Dangermouse has been indispensable in shaping the culture, character and public face of the RRF. He was a member of Group 1, and his fedora and camera made him a familiar figure to the horde and harmans alike. He covered groundbreaking research in articles such as "New RRF Study shows that Harmanz are Lazy, Shiftless Squatters," educated the horde with articles such as "Organic, free-ranging versus factory farm-raised harmanz: Which is better?" and provided up-to-the-minute reporting on historic battles and mall liberations.
Dangermouse also contributed many characteristic RRF images, often drawing inspiration from WWII posters and imagery and using humor to encourage the horde and draw new recruits. He supported our strike teams by creating flags for them, allowing terrified harmans to know who exactly they're fleeing from.
The RRF owes much of its laid-back sense of humor and superior style to Dangermouse. As Papa Petro himself has said, "DM's a large part of what makes the RRF the RR-freakin'-F, lemme tell ya." So it's only fitting that the RRF should hit Rolt Heights in honor of our unrivaled, tireless provider of propaganda. With its six libraries, it is well known as one of the most literate suburbs of Malton. RRF members will be furthering the edification of Rolt Heights residents by ransacking the shelves clean of inferior harman literature and donating plenty of copies of "The Collected Works of Dangermouse." Young RRF members are encouraged to snack on plenty of brains, in hopes that they can someday follow in the footsteps of our most eloquent and witty chronicler.
