RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Prop18

Today a child called me a hypocrite, and said that my promises of a utopia were nothing more than a lie. I regret that I was unable to answer him before members of our great, Ridleybank family ripped him apart limb from limb, but I would like to address that here.

Ridleybank has been called many things in the past. The Great Zombie Homeland. Birthplace of the RRF. The Land where Humans go to die. It is true that at one time, survivors were hunted to extinction here. It is true that at one time, roving warbands of zombies would train here, before leaving to slaughter humans in the neighboring suburbs.

None of that is true today.

It makes me sad that a child, one little child could be so full of hatred that he would tell such a terrible lie. And after all the kindness we have shown him and his family.

In Ridleybank, you will be given shelter and food. You will be given the opportunity to turn your life around, and to achieve the greatness that is in all of us. Only by coming to Ridleybank, can you unlock your secret, hidden desire to be chained to a pole before being gutted in some ritualistic feeding frenzy.

Here, we are family, from the lowest survivor to the mightiest zombie.

Here, we are a single, unified community.

-Speaker for the Undead