RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text011006
Malton Environmental Groups Call for an End to "Slash and Burp" Harman Harvesting
"We must think of the future," Say Preservationists. "What will our children eat?"
RIDLEYBANK - In a press conference Tuesday, Malton Harman Preservation Society President Magga Marhah called for an end to the recent surge in "Slash and Burp" harman harvesting, pointing to a sharp decline in wild Malton harmanz.
"I was born and raised in Ridleybank," said Marhah."I remember gazing out of my bedroom window every morning and seeing the wild harman enjoying hide and seek with neighborhood zombies, even playing that silly "FAK" game that they enjoy so much. This used to be a place where a zombie could enjoy the fresh, clean outdoor air, watch the harmanz in their natural environment. and perhaps even have a snack every now and then."
"Now look at Ridleybank, Roftwood, Stanbury Village and the rest of Central Malton. I haven't seen a wild harman in weeks," said a visibly concerned Marhah. "Slash and burp harvesting has decimated the harman population in Malton, almost to the point where we have to start thinking of our children and grandchildren. What resources will be left for them? Shouldn't they be able to experience the joy of following a scent trail, breaking down a safehouse and feasting on the two terrified harmanz within? We must practice ecological harman management before it is too late."
Marhah charged that "slash and burp" groups do not appreciate the effects of "slash and burp" harvesting on local populations and warned that in many cases, reharmanization in slashed and burped suburbs was failing to bring harman numbers up to sustainable levels.
"It used to be that zombie corporations and hordes would practice selective harvesting in Malton. Only the main resource buildings in a suburb would be targeted, and those survivors would either be eaten or sent back to processing centers for packaging and distribution to markets," said Marhah. "With selective harvesting, the suburb is allowed to recover for future harvests. Harmanz levels would drop slightly in the selective harvested suburb, but not to the point where re-population is impossible. With "Slash and burp" harvesting, the area is never given a chance to recover. Every safehouse is shattered and every resident is put to the claw."
Recent studies from other Malton Environment groups support some of Marhah's claims, with some surveys suggesting that Malton harmanz could face complete extinction within a few months. A recent research expedition by the Roachtown Club into the previously pristine suburbs of Yagoton and Shearbank have revealed only barren wastelands, completely devoid of harman life. Locketside, once known for its diverse and teeming harman population, has been reported by some groups to have been completely overhunted by marauding hordes.
"We are alarmed at the recent crash in survivor numbers all over Malton. Particularly hard hit appear to be Mall Rats, a humans species that nests in the various malls around Malton," said Jim Rarhah. "Seven mall habitats have been completed destroyed, with Mall Rat deaths numbering in the thousands. We are talking about a very fragile ecosystem, and a very fragile species that spends the majority of its time searching through stores, accusing each other of player killing and/or spying, and panicking about barricade levels. Without their natural habitat, how can we expect these noble creatures to survive in the wild? Something must be done soon to curb the wholesale slaughter of harmanz and their habitats through "slash and burp" harvesting."
However, not all zombie hordes are convinced that the recent decrease in survivor numbers is a problem, and accuse Malton environmental groups of exaggerating the problem to advance their own "liberal zombie agenda."
"Slash and burp harvesting is a myth. The Malton Harman Preservation Society would have you believe that survivors in Malton are nearly extinct when in fact there are currently more survivors than zombies," said BloodFear Vice President Tina Gragh, picking bits of femur from her teeth."The reality is that there are plenty of pristine suburbs in Malton, and as a corporation, we owe it to our shareholders to put brains in their pockets. So what if we clear one suburb? We just move on to the next. We will never run out of harmanz in Malton."
"Besides, it will be a cold day in hell when a harman-hugging dirty environmental hippy convinces me to "selectively harvest" a suburb full of juicy, sweet brains, said Gragh.
"Screw that."
