RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0306
Editor: Needs images.
Penfold Engineering Reveals Latest in Zombie Spy Technology
"Oh Crap," say Survivors. "The end is near."
SOUTH BLYTHVILLE- In a packed press conference, Penfold Engineering President Tom Gragh announced that the long awaited Zombie Spy 5000 was finally entering production and would be available to zombie consumers by the end of the year.
"Penfold Engineering has been in the zombie spy business for almost twenty years. Our latest robot spy model combines the latest in harman speech technology and social interaction for a spying model that can blend in and report safehouse numbers and coordinates with little chance of detection," said Gragh. "Zombie spying is serious business at Penfold."
Caption: Previous Penfold Models such as the 1000 were generally killed after one day in a safehouse. The 5000 model hopes to improve on endurance with improved social interaction and realistic fleshtones.
An excited Gragh went on to demonstrate the advanced tactical processing speech package that comes with the Zombie Spy 5000.
"The barricades are only at very heavily barricaded. Don't you people even fucking care?"
"I found one zombie in a ten suburb radius. Why is there one zombie alive? Don't you people even understand?"
"OMFG! Suzy Radkins has one zombie skill. Zombie Spy! Kill her!"
"Mrh? Mrh? Mrh? Mrh?"
"OMFG! I only have 10 shotguns. We are totally screwed.Totally."
"St. James Church is a free running point.Why is it barricaded at EHB? Don't you people get it?"
"The streets are watching."
With their latest model, Penfold Engineering hopes to revolutionize the zombie spying industry, a field that until recently, was believed to have reached a technological plateau.
"The Zombie Spy 5000 has the latest recording and tracking technology," said Gragh at the press conference. "But an effective spy model needs to blend in as harman. Until the 5000, all of our models have relied on cardboard and metal exterior shells and were quickly detected by barricade happy survivor groups. Before, it was almost impossible to create a realistic looking robot. But that's where Penfold Engineering's new vinyl flesh covering really comes into play. It looks and feels like supple, delicious harman flesh."
Gragh then went on to reveal the Zombie Spy 5000 model to a crowd of stunned onlookers.
Caption: The original Zombie Spy 1 Prototype and the new Zombie Spy 5000. The 5000 is the first model to incorporate vinyl flesh covering as opposed to older designs which featured cardboard exteriors.
"We choose to use William Shatner as a test model based on our limited understanding of survivor vocabulary. We feel that Shatner's stunted delivery and limited command of English is a natural fit for our voice technology, which is still lagging." said Gragh.
Despite concerns over the model's voice technology, zombie consumers everywhere are excited about the latest field test results released by Gragh at the conference. In a limited study at Lumber Mall, Penfold engineers announced that a prototype Zombie Spy 5000 model lasted nearly six days before detection, beating the old one day record held by the Penfold Zombie Spy 1000.
Caption: Penfold's first spy model, the Zombie Spy Prototype, totally not blending in and swiftly executed by alert survivors
"A six day window for recording and reporting on pathetic, strung out survivors on Revive is an amazing breakthough in Zombie Spying," exclaimed Gragh. "If you want to feed your hungry family, run, don't walk to the stores to get your order in. Does that Mall really contain a survivor? With the Zombie 5000, you will finally know."
Penfold officials expect the model to be on sale starting December 29th, just in time for Malton's annual New Year's Brain Bash, which once again will feature the dropping of a braincase in downtown Malton to help ring in the new year.
