RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text041506right
Jubilant Parents cheer brutal killings and their new life of slavery
"It takes a horde to raise a human child" Say Gentle Ridleys
BUTTONSVILLE, LOCKETSIDE, SOUTH BLYTHVILLE - Southwest Malton, long known for its brutal oppression of survivor children, began the slow process of healing last week as the Ridleybank Resistance Front entered Locketside, Buttonsville and South Blythville, bringing hope and love to the downtrodden masses.
"Children of SW Malton. For too long have you languished behind condemned, boarded up homes and businesses. For too long have you suffered from poor education, boredom, and a lack of access to quality humans basting and roasting sauces," said Jim Harghaz, dumping two gallons of Malton Survivor Masterpiece into the Locketside community pool." We have heard your plight and are here to provide comfort and hope. Together, we can help end your nightmares of parental oppression and help your homes and playgrounds recover from barricaded desolation."
Responding to rampant rumors that children in SW Malton were living in shanty-town like conditions, the Ridleybank Resistance Front entered Buttonsville on April 4th and proceeded to liberate the suburb from tyrannical suvivors occupying Buckley Mall.
Buckley Mall, cleaned of filth and garbage by RRF Relief forces. Children will now be able to enter the mall without fear of being caught for playing hooky or getting splinters from barricades.
"We have long suspected that renegades have been using Buckley Mall to hoard much-needed supplies and launch raids on the surrounding suburbs," said Harghaz. "It’s a classic case of the rich getting richer. Survivors outside Buckley, especially children, were being denied access to supplies or executed in nighttime raids. Something had to be done to protect the innocents."
Although details are now slowly emerging from the liberated area, early reports indicate that Buckley Mall was freed from renegrade survivor groups on April 5th, and that Buttonsville was soon emptied of survivors soon after. While Harghaz refused to confirm the numbers of saved lives, aerial footage revealed long lines of freed and happy parents were being escorted by RRF members to open pit fires and concentration camps.
"Parents in SW Malton. You may wonder why you are being led to slaughterhouses and meat processing centers. You may wonder why you have been sorted by brain size and meat grade. You may wonder why some of you are being eaten right now," said Harghaz. "The answer is simple. We do this out of love and compassion. We do this for your future. We do this....for the children."
With Buttonsville and Wyke Hills secured, the horde moved on to assist the devastated regions of Locketside and South Blythville, two suburbs known for abuse, misery and failing to keep it real.
"Buttonsville was bad but Locketside and South Blythville were worse," said Harghaz, stuffing children into suitcases to serve as MREs." I was not mentally prepared to see young children, strung out on Revive and passed out on the floor from exhaustion and lack of food. How can we expect children to grow up strong, healthy and above all smart if their parents are running around the suburb looking for guns, cell phones and DNA extractors, trying to play hero? To be honest,an all-survivor environment is not the right place to raise a child."
Concerned over the low weight and small brains of Locketside and South Blythville children, RRF relief forces proceeded to tear down barricades blocking access to hospitals, police stations and Marvin and Thompson Malls in an effort to provide much needed food and reading material to the starving children. Survivors over the age of twelve were then quickly rounded up and escorted to RRF family counseling centers or breading and stuffing stations, depending on brain size.
"We have also started to setup education facilities here to help nuture these young minds," said Harghaz, patting a little Locketside boy on the head before twisting open his skullcap. "At times, I have wondered why we are wasting our time with children who cannot even master our simple twelve-character language. Is it worth this investment on such small, empty minds? Its hard work teaching such simple creatures, but to see a young one grow larger, stronger and more delicious with each passing day always brings a smile to my face."
Harghaz went on to note that most survivors in SW Malton cared little about their offspring and that the horde hoped to educate the area about the importance of raising children in an open, barricade and gun-free environment.
"Its criminal what some survivors do to their young," said Harghaz, firing a baby using a trebuchet into the open mouth of feral zombie. "While I can understand the desire to keep your child in a safe environment, boarding up every window and door with planks and furniture is frankly irresponsible. At some point, survivors need to learn when to let go and encourage these exciting, jubilant and oh so tasty morsels to lead their lives. Luckily for these children, the RRF arrived just in time. Children in SW Malton are finally safe."
