RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0608right
So how did this man, so determined and fairly unsoiled, rocket from relative obscurity to such lofty heights of fame and power in a mere two months? Bucky Tesla merely fixed me with a stare of cold and calculating concentration, and attributed it to his boundless "determination" and "pretty clean" lifestyle. From the steely set of his face, which seemed to have - almost a look of determination, it was clear that he spoke with authority, from experience.
Exactly what sort of experience, though, could make such a pretty clean gentleman so determined seeming? When queried on this point, Bucky Tesla simply, but with a grim countenance of implacable determination, executed a nearby swaying zombie. His only comment: "Thanks for the XP, bitches..."
Thanks for the XP bitches, indeed.
Better Know an Ally: Feral Undead
- By Murray Jay Suskind
You've broken into a building, you're eating your meal, and suddenly some random zombie joins you and suddenly you have a dinner date. Are you just that smooth? Of course not, you're just in the same neighborhood as one of Malton's largest and most widespread hordes, and the topic of our next installment of our ongoing series: Better Know an Ally.
Feral Undead: The Fightin' Feral! Established in Malton in 2006, Feral Undead have taken part in almost every major battle and tour in Malton since then. They were at Blackmore I. They were at the first fall of Caiger Mall. They were part of Mall Tour '07, the Second Big Bash and even helped Excursion III in Scarletwood. And all of this is in addition to maintaining their home at Fort Feral. So who has the time to lead such an involved group? Bullgod, that's who! We recently had a moment to sit down and speak with Mr. Dog. Here's what he had to say.
MH&S: Now, as I understand it half of you has been grafted with some other zombie to form the Mayor of Malton. How have you managed to run a horde and city-wide municipal services?
BG: Ah well tis not all that hard, my horde doesn't listen to me so it leaves me a lot of time to handle minimal services for the city. I breed rats for the basic sanitation needs, and as far as power, well I was always against electricity in the home. I imagine I could get more done in that respect if people actually payed taxes.
MH&S: So as a pro-zombie mayor, do you feel it's best to keep somewhat of a "hands-off" policy? Provide the harmanz with minimal public amenities so that they're more likely to just hurry up and die?
BG: Oh not at all, humans are a valuable resource and it would be silly to waste them. Practice the three 'R's, recycle body parts, reduce strongholds to rubble, and re-kill them after they have been revived.
MH&S: Feral Undead seems to operate differently from the other large hordes of Malton. Instead of ordering all of your zombies into one area, you're really spread out throughout the entire city. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this MO?
BG: It has no real advantage, but we all just like to do our own thing. Someone tells us about something that might be fun and some go to it, others chose to do whatever the hell they want. It's a very relaxed chain of command, being that there isn't one.
MH&S: So you're pretty much providing the middle ground between the uber-coordinated groups and the lone feral wandering around on its own.
BG: Thats right Jim, we love our feral lifestyle, but deep down, don't we all want to belong? We offer the roving feral with a family, a pack if you will. They can chose to band with other members to hunt as a group or forage on their own.
MH&S: As I understand it, FU has managed to build itself a home of its own. What would you say is your style of home decor?
BG: Oh Fort Feral? Yes its nice, the cool tunnels keep us out of the sun and humans will actually come to YOU if you stay there long enough. But the humans always mess it up when there's an infestation of them, cleaning the blood off the walls, pulling up the scalp carpeting. Someone even cleaned out my pile of children's bones last time, it took me weeks to eat that many orphans! They're getting quite rare now of days, you know.
MH&S: At least they provide you with the body parts to redecorate after you kick them out.
BG: True, but it would be nice if they showered before we skin them.
MH&S: Well, that's just nasty. Does FU have a theme song? If so, what is it?
BG: Haha, actually we DO have a theme song! Every so often we vote on a new one, I believe we're on our fourth now, it's "I am the Bullgod" by Kid Rock. I wonder who suggested that...
MH&S: Hmm... was it Tendon? Oh wait, I bet it was Petite Fille.
BG: *whistles and looks away*
MH&S: You're often part of the biggest battles in Malton. You're constantly taking over Fort Perryn. Much of FU took part in Mall Tour '07. A lot of you joined up with the Second Big Bash. However, you're not so much the glory boys of these huge events. Do you think you need a better PR campaign to start heaping tons of credit upon everything you do?
BG: We don't want all the credit, we just like to show up and participate, as long as we can kill we have our own glory. It's usually less deserved anyway, with the exception of taking the fort we usually don't coordinate at all, we just bash randomly or follow another more organized horde in. We are feral at heart.
MH&S: Well, I know the new editor of the paper, so just drop me a line the next time you take Fort Feral, and I'll make sure that the RRF takes credit for it instead of you guys... did I say that last part out loud?
BG: I'm sorry, did you say what Ken?
MH&S: I didn't say anything. Now, with the exception of the RRF, FU is known for attracting perhaps the finest undead ladies of Malton. Is this due to your personal animal magnetism?
BG: With exception? No sir we have the finest ladies in all of Malton! They come for the brains but stay for the relaxed and comfortable atmosphere. The Feral Undead have always been quick to defend not only its own females but any female in the city. Quickest way to provoke our wrath is to call some nice lady a hurtful name.
MH&S: I'll certainly echo that last part -- very chivalrous. But you clearly haven't seen the "Women of the RRF" calendar. Some of them even pose without many of their body parts on.... But it's still very tasteful.
BG: That sounds nice but also like it's a lot of work, and we are by nature lazy as all hell. I have, however, on three different occasions seen some of our female members... wrestle each other... clothes were ripped... and in a few cases bites were exchanged... hmm........ I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
MH&S: Mrh? Uh... I forget... I somehow... I got distracted. Uh... moving on, the standard cliches of the trenchcoater have fallen by the wayside as the harmanz started to realize that they were being made fun of for wearing trenchcoats and carrying useless automatic weapons and katanas. What signs do you look for to signify the more subtle, modern-day trenchcoater?
BG: Ah, yes, trenchies have abandoned the cliches but they still exist in many forms. From the guy in all camo with an assault rifle that isn't in the game strapped to his back to the man with the "haunting stare" or even the poor fellow with the misspelled name and description, they are everywhere, but congregate at the forts a lot.
MH&S: My personal favorite of the new symbols of trenchdom is Emo Poetry. Something about it just makes me really, really want to eat them.
BG: Haha, that is amusing, but personally i find that Emos leave an unpleasant aftertaste.
MH&S: Final question. The RRF: Great horde or greatest horde?
BG: Yeah they're ok, better than most. I will admit they throw a hell of a party!
MH&S: So... I can mark you down as saying "greatest"?
BG: I put little stock in titles.
MH&S: Okay, since you don't care, I'll just mark you down as another "greatest."
(mmmm, eyes... a tasty garnish)
- by ZEmil33
Note: intended to be sung in the style of Cab Calloway
I went down to Fort Creedy Infirmary To bash some barricades there Gonna grab me two little DNA bandits And drag them out by their hair!
All of us Ridleys are laughing: You silly Harmans never see Packing all your brahnz into huge concrete walls Just makes it easier for zambahz like me >:)
First, we'll come knocking on your front gate, Break in and eat every single brahn: You might Headshot us and dump us outside, We shall merely Rise and come back in!
We'll Groan and we'll Ruin your gatehouse Hungry ferals will shamble around There'll be so many zambahz that you can't evict us And your Fort will come tumbling down :D
Creedys, my advice would be: Run off to McCloud's Bar and drink up their boooooze! but no... you'll be lunch for me: and have those Fort Creedy Infirmary Blues
