RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0706
Zombie-To-Human Ratio Becoming Entirely More Reasonable: Survivors Freak Out; RRF Offers Handy Tips For Coping With The Inevitable.
by Marina
Zombies and survivors alike have taken notice of a surprising development in Malton: after falling steadily for months, the number of zombies has risen sharply in recent weeks. 46% of Malton's inhabitants are currently survivors while 54% are zombies. The rise in numbers apparently started when zombies learned how to drag their prey outdoors and how to refine their ransacking technique, making barricading harder. It is unknown whether these specific techniques are the major factor behind the rise, or if zombie morale has simply improved, but either way, survivors are faced with making major changes to their current tactics if they want to regain the upper hand.
Up until recently, Malton was becoming increasingly dangerous for its dwindling zombie population. "If you weren't lucky enough to be in a zombie-friendly area, you often had a pretty lousy time," one zombie commented recently. "We huddled together in groups, hoping to avoid that headshot, and the barricades went up faster than we could tear them down. But now we're stronger and more energized than ever. This marks the beginning of the zombie renaissance! Humans will remember what it means to fear, and we will forget those sad times of hunger and powerlessness."
RRF researchers say that the rise in numbers comes as no surprise. "Something like this was bound to happen, of course," reports one. "Zombies have always been more altruistic than humans, and with the new ability to drag bodies out of buildings, these natural tendencies have become even more pronounced. Older zombies take pride in their ability to provide for their younger and less experienced friends by weakening and delivering prey, and most groups have highly developed systems for raising young zombies, thus strengthening them and securing their dedication to the horde. Zombies understand that the horde is only as strong as its weakest member."
Survivors, on the other hand, seem to have abandoned the higher benevolent impulses in favor of base self-preservation, preying on each other or attempting outlandish suicide missions. "Many humans have an 'every man for himself' attitude," stated a RRF specialist in survivor culture. "For example, it's common to see wounded, desperate survivors lying miserably outside of buildings they are unable to enter while those responsible for their suffering hole up inside, oblivious to their pain. Another surprising development is the willingness of humans to prey on each other. In the early days of the outbreak, such a thing would have been unthinkable, yet now they've regressed to the point where it's common for them to slaughter each other on the flimsiest of pretexts, or even just for fun. Finally, many experienced survivors who really should know better expend their time and energy on foolish, hollow attacks on the zombie homeland. Not only are their efforts easily countered, but they serve to put other survivors in danger, for by giving the illusion of safety in dangerous areas, they attract less experienced survivors to the area. The experienced survivors know that sleeping in the buildings they barricade is foolhardy, but they don't even spraypaint warnings to those who come after them. Although their intention is to harass the zombie population, they only end up adding to it."
The RRF wants to aid survivors by making it easier to adjust to the new state of affairs. If you're a survivor, the odds are good that, like it or not, you'll spend some time as a zombie yourself. Your transformation may be as temporary as you can make it, or it may be of some duration, but in any case, you'll find it worthwhile to prepare for the inevitable. Enjoy three easy tips on how to make the transition from survivor to zombie, courtesy of the RRF:
1) Liven up your daily meal of spam or canned beans by foregoing utensils and eating with your hands.
2) Brush up on your Death Rattle. Most survivors have already mastered "Mrh?" but don't limit yourself to that. Try a few of the easier words -- "harman," "zambah," "banana." With practice, you can master the tricky ! sound, as in "bra!nz."
3) Try thinking like a zombie. Look around at the people in your safehouse: if you were a zombie, which one would look the most threatening? Which one would make for the easiest target? Be honest with yourself -- which one have you always wanted to slowly dismember?
Some survivors are taking a different tack, and trying to make their new zombie neighbors feel at home. "With all the knee-jerk anti-zombie prejudice out there, it's no wonder they're always trying to kill us," says a Mockridge Heights survivor. "Maybe we should bring some good old-fashioned hospitality back to Malton. People call zombies 'filthy' and 'evil,' but after all, so many of them used to be our friends and neighbors. Should they now be shunned for their unfortunate habit of brain eating?" The RRF is in complete agreement with this point of view, and offers three easy tips on how to get along with your new zombie neighbors:
1) Spraypaint clear directions to your safehouse so lonely zombies know where to go for some company.
2) Invite some zombies over to dinner. Although zombies generally prefer their meal alive, they're not above sampling human cuisine. For the main course, kill that trenchcoater no one likes and make him into a lovely casserole or a stew. (If you're squeamish about this step, your friendly local PKer group will be happy to assist you.) Go heavy on the salt and spices, as zombies prefer strong flavors.
3) Moving day is always a pain for zombies and humans alike; help your new neighbors by removing the barricades standing in their way.
Any survivors interested in skipping the formalities and getting right to being a zombie are invited to visit Dufferin Park in Ridleybank, which the RRF's Group H is maintaining as a devivification point. Drop your weapons (but keep your flak jacket!), wait in line, and a helpful Group H member will be with you shortly.
Barricade Strafers Secure Ridleybank For Minutes At A Time, Claim Major Victories Against Absent RRF
by Marina
In the absence of actual danger in many areas of Malton, megalomaniac survivors have taken to useless grandstanding, perverting the sacred ground of Ridleybank into a staging ground for their narcissistic exhibitionism. The majority of the plans revolve around the technique known as "barricade strafing," or entering Ridleybank, barricading an empty building and fleeing to safety at top speed. Although most of them move too quickly to be in any danger or to accomplish any lasting results, they're frequently spotted in other suburbs bragging about their mighty acts of heroism. They believe that they're significantly hampering and plaguing the RRF, despite the fact that the majority of the RRF is currently laying waste to far-flung Malton suburbs.
"We're going to reclaim Ridleybank and make it safe for survivors!" claimed a barricade strafer who wished to remain unnamed. "That is, as long as they're in the building from, oh, about 7:32 AM to 9:04 AM. Yessir, they can count on a whole hour and a half of blissful safety."
"I feel it's important, psychologically, for Ridleybank to be fully powered," claims another survivor. "What could be more important than making sure that survivors can see their path clearly as they run like hell out of there? It's like my calling," he continued, ignoring the nearby starving survivors that were squinting and poking through the rubble, desperate for light.
"To me, this is just a warmup," admits another survivor. "I've always wanted to take on the RRF, so I want to bait them into coming back." When it was pointed out that he could easily go to Rolt Heights and face the RRF there, he mumbled something about having to check on the barricades and ran away.
Zombie psychologists are divided on what motivates a typical barricade strafer. "So many of the strafers I see are simply lacking a sense of purpose," commented one. "They're like drug addicts: the things that used to shape their identity such as healing the wounded, defending their home and bitter infighting just don't give them the same thrill as they used to. In order to get their 'high,' as it were, they have to seek out newer, more dangerous experiences. Whereas mentally stable individuals celebrate their hard-won safety, your average strafer finds it bitterly disappointing."
"I attribute it to jealousy," argued another. "Zombies, once downtrodden and starving, have overcome the obstacles set in their way to form a vibrant, thriving culture. They always look out for each other, and many a lasting bond has been forged over shared meals. Their newspapers are better, their leaders more charismatic, their parties more fun. And the RRF's shared love for our homeland runs deep in our rotted hearts. Now, look at survivors: most of them take pride in their own isolation, and they cultivate anti-social behavior. They don't trust each other -- with good reason, I might add -- and they frequently kill each other. Is it surprising they resent our happiness? Why should they not want to strike out at Ridleybank, the symbol of a thriving zombie community?"
Although most of the RRF is away from home, the dedicated Group H remains in Ridleybank, resisting the strafers and keeping it safe for upstanding zombies everywhere. They tirelessly dismantle the barricades day after day, even though they know most of the time, there will be no meals waiting behind them. "It's hard work, and in terms of finding brainz, well, I'm not eating as well as I could be," points out one Group H scout. "But as a proud member of the RRF, I'm glad to make the sacrifice for the horde. When I take that last swipe at a barricade, even one that I know conceals an empty building, I feel I've done my part to keep my homeland clean and safe for my brethren. Let them come with their tools and their guns and their generators, for we will outlast them all. We rest secure on Papa Petro's promise to us: Ridleybank belongs to zombies, now and forever. BARHAH!"
Many bored survivors hope that the RRF will return to Central Malton and provide them with a challenge, but the new leader of the RRF, Papa Sonny Corleone, has indicated his unwillingness to indulge their whims. "They're fighting strike teams, half the DoHS, and ferals and they're losing. Besides, I do not want them to have the satisfaction in fighting the greatest horde ever," he said in a recent interview. Instead, the RRF will continue on its current course of destroying safehouses, dragging survivors into the streets and causing general pandemonium.
"Yeah, I heard about the strafing going on in Ridleybank," grumbled one recently-revived Dulston resident as she cowered in semi-darkness in Anne General Hospital. "I'm sure they struck a great blow for humanity, they really showed the RRF, blah blah blah. Where were they when my safehouse was attacked? I could have used some of those barricades then, that's for sure." She spent the next three hours searching in vain for first-aid kits, cursing the lack of a running generator.
In the meantime, barricade strafers are losing sleep coming up with new ways to waste their time and energy. "The possibilities are limitless," muses one. "We're considering stocking up on spraycans and writing 'Zombies Suck' all over Ridleybank. Or we could hold a lecture about proper katana care in Caswil Lane School. I heard there's even a group that's going to hold a trenchcoat fashion show in Club Dury. There's no limits to the lengths we would go to to help our fellow survivors."
Dangermouse First To Be Honored in "Farewell Brain Bash", Rolt Heights To Be Crushed In His Name
by Marina
Papa Sonny, leader of the RRF, kicked off the Farewell Brain Bash by announcing the razing of Rolt Heights in honor of Dangermouse, the retired leader of the RRF Propaganda Corps. As the respected editor of the Malton Herald & Sun, he could always be counted on to deliver timely news and inspiration to the horde and embarassment and uncomfortable soul-searching to our foes.
Dangermouse has been indispensable in shaping the culture, character and public face of the RRF. He was a member of Group 1, and his fedora and camera made him a familiar figure to the horde and harmans alike. He covered groundbreaking research in articles such as "New RRF Study shows that Harmanz are Lazy, Shiftless Squatters," educated the horde with articles such as "Organic, free-ranging versus factory farm-raised harmanz: Which is better?" and provided up-to-the-minute reporting on historic battles and mall liberations.
Dangermouse also contributed many characteristic RRF images, often drawing inspiration from WWII posters and imagery and using humor to encourage the horde and draw new recruits. He supported our strike teams by creating flags for them, allowing terrified harmans to know who exactly they're fleeing from.
The RRF owes much of its laid-back sense of humor and superior style to Dangermouse. As Papa Petro himself has said, "DM's a large part of what makes the RRF the RR-freakin'-F, lemme tell ya." So it's only fitting that the RRF should hit Rolt Heights in honor of our unrivaled, tireless provider of propaganda. With its six libraries, it is well known as one of the most literate suburbs of Malton. RRF members will be furthering the edification of Rolt Heights residents by ransacking the shelves clean of inferior harman literature and donating plenty of copies of "The Collected Works of Dangermouse." Young RRF members are encouraged to snack on plenty of brains, in hopes that they can someday follow in the footsteps of our most eloquent and witty chronicler.
