RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text0808left
Legions of undead writers fail to ?rise to the occasion, readers crushed
- by Tarman
Malton is disappointed at the lack of production coming from the nearly deserted offices of the Malton Herald & Sun. After such a bright beginning, the paper has failed to follow through on its maiden voyage. Speculation is that most of the staff has been Headshot so severely as to cause a near-permanent state of immobility. No one really knows the true fates of these valiant reporters - perhaps they have been destroyed in some gruesome harman ritual, or have merely become comatose in idleness. Not even this paper can discover the full truth.
Tragic as this is personally for these poor zethren, the MH&S and its faithful readers also suffer, as its output has slowed to sloth-like speeds. The current editor is in a mad panic as to the state and future of his fledgling production. Replacements seem not to be forthcoming, and deadlines have come and gone unheeded. "I can haz new issue?" asks one Johnny Bass, of the RRF. The question is repeated throughout the reading populace of the Front and of the city. What could the answer be? Will we see another issue of the MH&S?
There is hope, however, dear reader. Do not despair. The cry from the public is too much to deny - we must continue our work. The MH&S will strive to bring you the best real and pretend news as best we can. We will scour the city to find writers willing to join our work, be they Ridley or otherwise. We cannot deny the people. Yes, Johnny, you can haz new issue.
"I looked, and there it was, gone" says one stunned Iwitness
- by Tarman and Johnny Bass
The RRF, while named after the famed suburb of its birth, rarely operates within its borders due to the chronic food shortages experienced in the Homeland while the bulk of its combat forces reside there for too long. The greater Ridleybank area has provided sustenance for some time, but even the most stalwart zethren would like a change of pace in their steady diet of Kilties and Fortress. Thus it has been decided that the Front will depart its loved lands to spread their message of joyous evolution to hitherto ignorant parts of the glorious city that is Malton. The New Flesh Tour is designed to enlighten, not to harm; to bring peace through unity, as all harmanz are brought to a closer understanding of our ways through direct experiences of being dead.
But there are some harmanz who insist that they stay devolved, and work round the clock to undo our proud decorative work in our very birthplace. They carry more vile weapons than the shotgun and axe - they are armed with clanking toolboxes, smelly generators, and hissing spraycans. They board up our dwellings, ignite disgusting lights in the unhallowed halls of Blackmoar, and, most chagrining of all, they write rude messages across our barnz which we have no way of removing. This can no longer be tolerated. Thus, the RRF has come up with a daring plan. We are taking the Bank with us.
Zambahz have been diligent in their efforts to carry the barnz of their homeland in order to save them from ignorant harman defacement. AU10 has been witnessed toting Blackmoar across their collective backs, while Moggridge PD, our holy place, is the responsibility of that ancient and legendary (some say even mythical) team, GMTBC. Other teams and even individual zethren have also laid claim to various important and/or historical barnz, in a horde-wide effort to preserve not only our heritage but our sanity. The various Excursions and Tours in which the Front participates inevitably lead to a time where harmanz delusionally believe they have been victorious conquerors of our Ridleybank, despite the usual outcome of their being killed by the grizzled and eternal Homeland defenders or the return of the rest of the horde. They rant and dance about ridiculously, generally being annoying to those of us who disdain the breathing of oxygen. The Front's radical new plan will hopefully put an end to this behaviour for the most part, though one can still imagine a harman gloating as he places a dented locker over top a hole in the ground and claims he has 'made this place safe' for harmanz once again.
Survivor Security Zone a myth, claim observers
- by Tarman
Many malls in recent weeks have gone down to combined zambah attacks by the RRF and various allied and feral forces. Nichols Mall, the site of such bloody battles earlier this year, went down in a few days during one of the latest strikes upon it, much as Ackland earlier in the month, Tynte before it, and Woodroffe after those. Hildebrand Mall is the latest victim in a series of brutally successful ruinations by our brave Front-line troops, with the RRF main force DoHS and units Team America and the Gore Corps providing two ruined corners in one attack window, and GMTBC and AU10 finishing the other half, all in the space of fifteen hours. The harmanz have been routed from many areas of the so-called SSZ, fleeing the destruction wrought by the forces of the undead.
This is still no reprieve for other TRPs (Tactical Resource Points) in locations nearby these ill-fated malls. Countless NTs have been raided and vandalised to protect our younger, un-rotted friends and neighbours. Police stations and auto repair shops have also felt the pain of zambah attacks, as zethren cut off critical supply lines and sources. Harmanity has had a tough time surviving securely in the SSZ, and future predictions seem to show more of the same on the horizon. Harmanz wishing to remain in these areas are dutifully advised to cover themselves in barbaga zaaz in order to facilitate their evolution.
