RRF/Malton Herald & Sun/Text/Text121506left
By BongoBrain and Murray Jay Suskind
Mmm... nothing smells quite as good as an undead corpse. The only thing I can even compare to it is a nice fragrant cheese. If I could lurch around with some Limburger on my head, I’d be a happy zombie. Speaking of undead Cheeseheads, it's time for part two of our ongoing series: Better Know a Strike Team.
Papa Patrucio leading his zambahz into battle
The Green Bay Packers: The Fightin’ Pack! The Packers strike team was formed in the Siege of Caiger, and as such is one of only two teams left from that time. From November of 2005 to the present day, the Packers have faithfully joined within their operating hours of 0000-0400 GMT to bring the spirit of Barhah to the cowering harman masses, on a campaign that has stretched from one end of Malton to the other.
As their name implies, the Packers are formed in the spirit of the famous American Football team, the Green Bay Packers. They are, in fact, lead by the undead incarnation of Brett Favre himself, still wearing his football jersey on which, despite the layers of blood and gore, the great white number 04 can still be seen. More importantly however, the Packers embody the spirit of Lambeau. Where blood still runs in their rotted veins, it is the blood of Vince Lombardi, of Ray Nitschke, of Reggie White and Gilbert Brown. They are the workhorses of the RRF, and with as much discipline as can be mustered in a “raging ball of square-dancing chaos”, they hold the line.
This spirit can be seen most strongly in what was likely the team’s finest hour thus far. While the rest of the horde was off on Excursion, it was the Packers along with a small group of other hardy volunteers who kept the zombie homeland free of harman vermin. While suburbs were torn up like tissue paper and brains ran in the streets like lumpy gravy, the Packers roamed Ridleybank and Barhahville, devouring what brains they could find squirreled away in the fetid hideyholes still scattered through the buildings. The Packers lived up to their reputation and kept on the job nonstop, ceasing only to conduct line drills in Foley Stadium, and hold the occasional towel fight.
And the Packers have still not stopped. They continue to strike every night, bringing on the spirit of the Barhah to the huddled harman masses, in that special, towel snapping, trenchcoat sacking way that only they can. On their rotten shoulders, moreover, rests the honor of the horde, for it is Patrucio himself, as the avatar of the great number four, who leads them. The Packers are now, for better or worse, the Honor Guard of the horde, and they bear the responsibility with pride.
Be you a zombie, and looking for a place for fun, comradeship, and towel snapping, then look no further. Be you a harman, then just know that we will see you soon
We recently had a chance to sit down with Strike Team leader Papa Patrucio in his Ridleybank office.
H&S: You model yourselves after the classic Packer teams of Lombardi and Holmgren. But what ever happened to the Packers of Don Majkowski?
Papa: We ate them.
H&S: The Magic Man? Why? He was such a juggernaut with Sterling Sharpe in Tecmo Super Bowl.
Papa: He wandered into Ridleybank. Packer or no, we don't distinguish between harmanz in the 'bank.
H&S: What stereotype would Reggie White have praised zombies for before the Wisconsin State Legislature?
Papa: It is usually left off of most transcripts, but he actually mentioned Zombie-Americans in that speech. It was right after he mentioned Hispanics, "Zombies, they have a gift for community. You see them standing around outside together in the rain and the snow and just about everything else, and they seem just as happy to be standing together no matter what. Plus, they love making new members to join them. I ain't ever seen a racist zombie."
H&S: In addition to leading the Packers you also lead the larger RRF. I suppose the next logical step would be Mayor of Malton. What's your platform?
Papa: Grah! Nah mar harmanz! Harmanz baad! Zambaz gaad! Braaaaa!nz!
H&S: As an elder in Urban Dead, you have surely sampled some excellent brains over the years: Which one was the best?
Papa: Oh, now that is a difficult one. There's the general debate between free-range brains and cage raised (aka Mall) brainz. They both have their different charms and such. But the finest brains I've ever had would have to have been Judge Judy. We've killed her regularly over our year of service, and each time I eat her brains they always seem a little better.
H&S: Papa Patrucio: Great Papa or Greatest Papa?
Papa: I would have to say adequate for now. Petrosjko is clearly our greatest Papa. I just hope I can keep the horde lively and fun.
H&S: I'm sorry, but the only two options I have here are Great and Greatest.
Papa: (Vacant undead stare at Murray Jay)
H&S: I'll mark you down as "Great" because you don't think you're the greatest. Besides "Patrucio: I'm Great" makes you seem modest.
Papa: (Continued vacant undead stare)
H&S: Thank you for your time, sir.
Papa: You're... hey wait. Aren't you supposed to be on assignment? What are you doing here interviewing me? You've got harmanz to kill!
H&S: Aye aye, sir!
