User:Lucky Jim/Lesson One

Even You Can Be A Successful Pro-Survivor: Lesson One

TWO MONTHS AGO...

Ahh! Now that I'm happily retired, I think I'll just relax and enjoy keeping up to date with survivor news action in Urban Dead as an impassive observer.

>____> ...Huh? What the...?!

I can't believe the crap that some players are doing these days! At this rate, the culture of the classy yet successful survivor is doomed!

...THE PRESENT DAY

And that's how I, the magnificent maestro of Urban Dead survival, Johnny Optimo, and my compatriot, Ken Evans, decided to begin this guide!

You will learn everything there is to know about Urban Dead survival! The basics of character creation! Group formation! How to come to be an ubiquitous fixture within the meta-game! You might even get to see boobs, dicks and/or sleep with people! All will be revealed! EVEN YOU CAN BE A SUCCESSFUL PRO-SURVIVOR after reading this guide! You will survive like a boss until the day you die!

Ken Evans - 21 years old

Johnny Optimo - 28 years old

LESSON ONE
THE CHARACTER NAME

Johnny Optimo: First we need to come up with a character name.

Ken Evans: I've already come up with one!

J.O: Oh yeah? What is it?

K.E: Hm... ... ... Bootsy McCorpseGrind.

WHAM!

J.O: What the hell!! You call that a character name?! You think we can realise our dream with that kind of rotten character name!?

K.E: Dream... our dream...

OUR DREAM: To rule Malton and the meta-game as survivors! First, we must become renowned for suburb reclamation and sieges. Then -> Our group appears at every major event of the year! Then -> We'll absorb smaller groups - members, communication and all! Then -> Our group must expand and appear at the top of stats page. Furthermore, we'll consolidate our grip on the meta-game by becoming moderators on all the major forums and camping as many IRC channels as possible. It's a dog-eat-dog-eat-zombie-eat-man world out there! Only champions like us can rule it!

K.E: B-but what's wrong with this pen name? Huh? It's pretty catchy!

J.O: You fool!! Just imagine the rest of your Urban Dead existence with a character name like that!

K.E: !!

LIFELONG REGRET! A SAD, SAD URBAN DEAD CONFESSIONAL... "I struggled for years to become a major player in the Urban Dead meta-game. At the beginning of my third year in the game, I'd finally put together an awe-inspiring group and was making waves in the survivor community. It was a magnificent time. The spring of my life! But I didn't know what I was in for, just because I'd chosen a character name on a whim. At first, I could deal with people on the IRC channels I frequented requesting, "Is there a Harry Bumhole here?", or even when I had to fill in 'Harry Bumhole' when signing up to group forums. But as I became famous, I began to see thread titles that would read, 'Secret Sexy Roleplaying Rendezvous between Harry Bumhole and Jessica Xoe??' on gossip pits like Brainsuck, or when I was mockingly left the only survivor of a massive horde strike, and the their public report read, "My teeth ain't going anywhere near Hairy Bumhole". I gave up my leadership role and I now tend to Mrh-cows back in Dulston." --- Brian Weiss, formerly known as Harry Bumhole, 19 years old. Jessica Xoe - hot survivor

K.E: :O

J.O: Ah, do you see now? You're stuck with a character name for the rest of your life! You'll regret using the one you chose just because it was catchy or memorable or made you feel like a bad-ass! You must follow the Four Commandments for character names!

THE FOUR COMMANDMENTS FOR CHARACTER NAMES 1. Don't get carried away. 2. It should be memorable! 3. Use a realistic name if your character name sucks. 4. It must suit your style! (Maybe it's because of internet memes or the decline of class within the game, but the current state of character names in Urban Dead is abominable!)

A character name can have a direct effect on one's meta-gaming success. Many newbies, in their desperation to make an unforgettable impression on the game, end up spending sleepless nights agonising over a good character name. We shouldn't be too hard on them, though. They are, after all, better off than those who come up with stupid and meaningless names like "Potato Face" or "Flop Flip". But you gotta be careful. You must faithfully abide by the first commandment: "Don't get carried away." When we used to receive membership applications for our survivor group, we saw character names that were completely out of control like "II HD'D S X B345T" or "Wayne Dosteyevsky Jr". There are zombies starving in New Arkham while you obsess over this stuff! Also, many players try too hard to appeal to their recruitment demographics baser tastes - or they're just too fancy. "Zombie Hunter Recon", "Adrian Carnage", "BOOM Bowels"... all of these really exist! What if you became leader of the biggest survivor group in the game? If you're going to end up with a lame character name, you're better off sticking with your real one!!

The Ridleybank Resistance Front's sublimely named Cthulhu In Lingerie offers this unique zombie perspective: "Maltonissa elävät selviytyjät ovat kuin suoraan Tom of Finlandin fantasioista, joka paikassa kiiltää nahka ja supermiehekkyys, joten nimenkin pitäisi jotenkin kiinnittää toisten lihaksia pullistelevien miesten huomio ahtaissa ja hikisissä kauppakeskuksissa missä yöt ovat pitkiä ja mitään ajankulua ei ole, missä ainoa tapa kosiskella himokkaita parittelukumppaneita on nimi joka vetää heitä puoleensa magneetin tavoin. Päivittäin ei ole mitään muuta tekemistä kuin juosta ympäriinsä etsimässä tyhjiä taloja mitä korjata, keskiverto selviytyjä korjaa kolme taloa päivässä ja vielä pistää barrikaadit moisille, moisen suorituksen jälkeen hormonit hyrrää ja hiki valuu, jos nimesi on esimerkiksi Marcellino Maustemakkara niin sinun ei tarvitse kauan esitellä pyrstöhöyheniäsi kunnes löydät karvaisen trenssitakkisen miehisen erotiikan esimerkin."

K.E: I-I see. But what do you mean by a character name that doesn't suit your style?

Throbbing Victoria?!? SPANK PADDLE RAMPAGE?!?!

J.O: Just think! What if Michael Corsair were called Throbbing Victoria!? What comes to mind?

K.E: Throbbing Victoria? Throbbing Victoria, of Uncle Zeddie/Radio Survivor fame?

AAARRRGGGH!

K.E: It's too much to bear!

J.O: See what I mean? Then think about this one!

WHAT IF SEXY REXY GROSSMAN WERE SPANK PADDLE RAMPAGE!?

K.E: H-how could that be be!? My whole image of the character's work is completely changed!

Intelligent players such as yourselves must now see how one's character name and style are inextricably linked! Goethe once claimed that "One's character name represents the body." (Actually, he never did.) And we must take this statement to heart! What if Ron Burgundy was called Red Wine Sloshed Mom? What if Tommy Crowbar was named ooooooooooooooooooof? What if KristiOfTheDead was called pussypingpong808? History leaves no room for what ifs! But one thing's for sure, if these were the case, history as we know it would have been irrevocably altered! So you must consider your entire gaming future when you come up with your character name!!

K.E: I'm so sorry, Johnny! I was wrong, WRONG!!

J.O: It's okay, my son, as long as you understand.

K.E: Forgive me! I-I came up with a fancy, catchy name like Bootsy McCorpseGrind because I wanted our dream to come true!! Arrrgggh! I'm such a loser!

J.O: Come, come. We still have to think of an appropriate character name... FOR OUR DREAM!

To be continued!